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Things with Hajime started good. In fact, they started better than good. It was great to – from such a young age – have a best friend; someone that Tooru could rely on through thick and thin without a second thought. Oikawa Tooru was a man of patterns and plans, so through elementary and middle school Tooru chose to make a pattern of spending all his free time with Hajime. Back then it made perfect sense that he would, who wouldn’t want to spend all the time they could with their best friend?
When they got to high school was when things started getting slightly out of hand. Tooru still wanted nothing more than all his time to be spent with Hajime, whereas Hajime could not stop talking about all the girls he would rather be spending his time with, a new crush every week. Tooru found it increasingly obvious that he had fallen for his best friend and even more obvious that Hajime was, perhaps, the straightest man alive. That didn’t have to be an issue though. It would only be an issue if Tooru let it become one. So, instead of letting it become an issue, letting his feelings run rampant and exposing to his best friend how awful he really was, he locked his feelings up tight.
He quickly started up with a new pattern. When Hajime liked a new girl Tooru did too. When Hajime got his first girlfriend Tooru accepted the confession of the very next girl to come up to him. Part of him wondered if that made him a bad person. A larger part of him knew that, yes, he was a bad person, but this was not where he crossed that line. Constantly lying to his best friend? Being in love with his best friend? Certainly, that put him firmly in ‘bad person’ territory. Or at least it made him a bad friend.
But this? Stringing some girl along now, knowing he had no interest in her and never would, all for his own gain? Just to prove to Hajime, and maybe himself to some extent that he could be like everyone else? Now he was definitely a bad person.
He broke up with her after a week when he decided that he should be the only one who has to hurt over his shitty life choices. Hajime was quick to defend the girl, and truthfully Tooru couldn’t blame him.
“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?”
He did know. He had known for some time now. It wasn’t the first time he had been called that by Hajime, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but it hurt how quick he was to confirm Tooru’s suspicions. Nevertheless, he feigned indifference.
“So mean, Iwa-chan! I did think I liked her, or at least could have. We just didn’t get along as well as I had hoped for.”
“Bullshit,” Hajime retorted, “you didn’t even give her a chance!”
You won’t even give me a chance.
Tooru banished the thought immediately. Of course, Hajime wouldn’t ‘give him a chance.’ He was under no obligation to do so. He was being selfish, thinking like that, and he needed to move past it.
“I think a week is plenty of time to get to know someone.”
“Whatever you say, Shittykawa.”
Once again, Tooru found himself in a new pattern: a couple weeks single, accept a confession, date her for a week or two, then break up before she can get too attached. Word would spread after the first couple of girls, then he could just be a serial dater, and the only heart he’d have to break in the process was his own.
It was a fool proof plan. At least, it seemed like a fool proof plan. Tooru knew better though, the moment he saw it in Hajime’s eyes. That look. That look that said, “I don’t know why you’re doing this, but it needs to stop.”
And so, it did. Tooru would do anything for Hajime.
Fleetingly, he was reminded that he shouldn’t stop for Hajime’s sake. It should be for the girls who’s hopes he was getting up. Or even for himself, who he was wearing thin with this act. He thought maybe it would be for the best if he stopped pretending altogether.
At least for a little while things were good again. It was like when they were young, Tooru got to spend all his free time with Hajime and everything felt right.
He should’ve known something would go wrong. Something always goes wrong. This is what happens when you don’t have clear and concise rules to follow. He got too comfortable.
It came one Saturday night in Hajime’s room. The two were sharing a bed, which on all accounts shouldn’t have been an issue, they’d done it since they were kids. But Tooru let his imagination get the better of him. He let himself wonder what it might be like to sleep next to Hajime every night. To wake up to that face every morning. To feel his body heat radiating off of him so close that Tooru could go without a blanket.
Tooru gazed at Hajime’s sleeping form, analyzing the curves of his face. Bathed in moonlight, he really was beautiful like this. It didn’t take long for his eyes to drop to Hajime’s lips, and it took everything in his being to stop from leaning in and closing the gap between the two, just for one gentle kiss. Snapping to his senses, he pulled back with so much force he nearly fell out of the bed, but Hajime remained unmoved.
As Tooru thanked what ever gods there may be for how deeply his best friend slept, he grabbed his few things from Hajime’s room and fled.
I should have known better, he thought. I get too close and of course I start to let my guard down. What if he had woken up? There’d be no lying my way out of that. He’d put two and two together, what with the girls I always dated but never liked and he’d know. He’d know everything and he’d hate me.
He stopped for a moment under the buzzing street lights to collect his thoughts. It was only then, at the heaving of his chest, did he realize he had broken out in a full sprint on his way home. With shaking hand and sweaty palms, he pulled out his phone.
[03:47] To: Iwa-chan
>>> Forgot that my mom wanted me to run errands with her in the morning. Had to head out.
The text sounded nothing like him, but if he was going to start pretending again it needed to start somewhere. He had a new plan in mind: lying and avoidance. With both rules checked off for the night he started running again, wanting nothing more than to be in his home, invisible to the rest of the world. He felt disgusting; filthy in a way he knew he couldn’t scrub off. But he didn’t think about that. He didn’t have to think about that. All he had to do was get to bed and pretend he had never felt a thing for Iwaizumi Hajime.
This, of course, would be easier said than done.
[10:18] From: Iwa-chan
>>> Okay. See you at school tomorrow then.
Shit. School.
Really the plan was all well and good when Tooru hadn’t considered having to see Hajime every day at school. This threw a bit of a wrench into things, but it was nothing Tooru couldn’t overcome. He just had to plan accordingly. They were in different classes so at least that wouldn’t be an issue. He’d just have to leave extra early to avoid walking to school together and start doing homework in the library after practice, so he didn’t have to worry about walking home either. Of course, practice itself would pose a bit of an issue, but as long as he could always be talking to the coach or a different teammate about upcoming practice matches or a new strategy whenever Hajime might try to talk, he could make things work.
He could not make things work. He was able to keep up the act until about Wednesday before Hajime caught on. He stood at the door of the club room expectantly, clearly waiting for Tooru to show up.
Tooru had half a mind to turn around the moment he saw Hajime and fully ditch practice for the day. He’d deal with the consequences later, now all that mattered was preserving what little of their friendship that remained. Before he could make up his mind either way though, his thoughts were interrupted by pounding footsteps and Hajime’s strong voice.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Nothing too exciting Iwa-chan,” Tooru replied, plastering his face with a fake smile he had become all too familiar with, “just on my way to get ready for practice, which you should be doing too~”
“Cut the crap Oikawa,” Hajime groaned, “You’re not going to practice until you explain to me what’s going on. You’ve been avoiding me since you left my house the other night. And don’t think I didn’t notice how weird that text was too. You’ve been out of it. Did I do something wrong?”
“Nope! Really nothing’s wrong. Now let’s head off to practice-”
Hajime stopped him with a grab of his wrist and a dark stare, “Tooru.”
A moment of silence passed between the two of them, though Tooru swore anyone in a 5 km radius could hear just how hard his heart dropped to his stomach.
Tooru whispered, “When did you learn to read me like a book?”
“Always could,” Hajime responded, “Now will you please tell me what’s going on with you?”
Tears began pooling at Tooru’s eyes, but he refused to let them drop. It had only been a few days of outright ignoring Hajime and they had been the most draining days of his life. Just to hear Hajime’s voice again, so present and reassuring was doing a number on him emotionally.
“I’m tired…” He began. An incomplete thought, though not entirely untrue in its own right.
Hajime’s eyes just bore into his soul, as if he could stare the truth out of him. Knowing Hajime, he probably could.
“Just tired?”
“Tired of pretending.”
“Oikawa,” Hajime said, clearly exasperated, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What do you mean pretending?”
“Pretending I’m not in love with you, okay?” Tooru exclaimed, “You got your answer, are you happy now?”
“I don’t-”
“See, no,” Tooru interrupted, “this is exactly why I had to pull back from you, because know you’re looking at me like I’m some kicked puppy! I don’t need your sympathy and I don’t need any explanation. This is all on me, because you made it clear plenty of times that I’m just about the furthest thing from your type. But still, I don’t know why, I can’t help but love you.”
“Wait,” Hajime muttered, “I never said that.”
“Not in so many words, but there were the insults, the girls you always fawned over, it doesn’t take a genius to piece it together,” Tooru retorted. “What difference does it make though? We’re running circles around the actual point. The point is that I could never be beautiful to you, not the way that you are to me. And I get it, I do, you don’t get to choose that shit, if you could I would’ve chosen to stop loving you the moment I knew it would ruin us.”
“But we’re not ruined.”
“Aren’t we though?” Tooru sighed, “No matter what you’ll still be my first love, and I’ll just be-”
“Mine.”
To say Tooru was confused would be an understatement. Silence crept between the two of them again, and all Tooru could do was stare as Hajime grabbed a hold of his hands. Their hands fit together perfectly, as if some higher power had willed it to be, waiting on this very moment for calloused fingertips and palms to brush together. Still, it didn’t make sense to Tooru, because if that were true why had he spent the better part of the last 3 years lying to his best friend? Why had he been so afraid, so upset with himself?
“You know I wouldn’t stick around if I didn’t love you.” Hajime’s words bombarded his racing thoughts.
“But you don’t mean-”
“No, it’s your turn to listen,” Hajime began. “I don’t know where you got this idea that I could never love you, because sometimes I look in your eyes and it’s as if loving you is all I’ve ever known. If I ever made you think that you are not my exact definition of beautiful, then I made a mistake somewhere down the line. But you don’t get to run away from this, you don’t get to run away from me.
“Did you think I wouldn’t notice, or just wouldn’t care when my suddenly my best friend doesn’t want anything to do with me? Here I thought I’d done something wrong, but you were just to chicken shit to talk to me. You can’t just pull shit like that instead of actually addressing how you feel.”
“Let me make it up to you then,” Tooru said, “give me a redo.”
“A redo?”
“Just humour me, Hajime. Pretend it’s three days ago and I didn’t just disappear from your house in the middle of the night.”
A quizzical look graces Hajime’s face, but he nods anyway, interest piqued.
“Iwa-chan, I have something I need to tell you,” Tooru began, with an unrecognizably soft tone to his voice. “It’s something that I’ve known for a while but haven’t been sure how say. Truth be told, I’m still not quite sure, and I’m scared beyond belief of how this will change things for us, but I’m at my wits end hiding this from you, and you deserve to know too.
“So, all cards on the table, I love you. Rather, I’m in love with you. From the day I met you there was never a doubt in my mind that I loved you. But being in love with you is so different, because suddenly you’re just out of reach. Loving you is easy, it’s always been easy, but being in love with you is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. It stripped me to my core, made me realize more about myself then I wanted or expected to. It made me worry, constantly, that one slip up and you would be out of my life for good. So instead of being honest with you, I’ve spent our whole high school career thus far doing my best to hide the truth.”
There’s no stopping the tears at this point. They flowed freely down Tooru’s face, and yet he looked so calm. Hajime, conversely, had not shed a tear, but anguish was written in his eyes.
“I’m sorry that I spent so long lying and hiding. I’m sorry I ever doubted if you would stick around once you found out. I’m sorry that I assumed the worst for us. I’m not sorry for loving you, though. That, I could never apologize for.”
Tooru finished, pressing his lips together into a tight smile. Emotionally, he was exhausted. Hajime pressed his hand to Tooru’s face, wiping stray tears away with his thumb.
“Let’s go to practice, yeah?”
Tooru huffed out a laugh
“That’s no way to respond to a confession Iwa-chan.”
Hajime brought his lips to Tooru’s. Several years in the making, the kiss was short-lived, yet everything Tooru had been waiting for.
“We can’t have our captain skipping out on practice this close to prelims. Coach is gonna chew us out enough as is just for being late, so get yourself changed and into the gym, and after practice I’ll give you whatever proper confession response you need, okay?”
Tooru nodded, finally wiping the last of the tear tracks from his cheeks. As he turned to walk toward the club room, he heard Hajime’s voice once again
“I’m in love with you too, dumbass.”
Tooru smiled over his shoulder; wide and genuine.
“That’s all I needed to hear.”