Chapter Text
“Kacchan? Can we talk, please?”
Katsuki stopped toweling his hair dry. Izuku was sitting on their bed, looking like he had waited for the blond to come out of the shower. His spine was slightly slouched, his fingers fidgeting, his green eyes peeking from under his lashes - and not in the “I want to entice you” way. Katsuki’s brows furrowed. By now, he knew his boyfriend well enough to safely assume this was not a conversation either of them will enjoy having.
“What?”
Behind the blank if not grouchy answer, Katsuki’s mind started to reel. The day had been pretty calm - the patrol had gone smoothly, except for one lame-ass attempted robbery that he and Deku had taken care of in the blink of an eye. They weren’t the Wonder Duo for nothing. So clearly, it was not something work-related. They hadn't argued seriously in a long time. Did the nerd sign up for something stupid that would put him in deadly danger again ?
Or maybe Deku had realized he couldn't forgive Katsuki for the years he’d spent bullying him. Izuku had found someone better than him, that had been treating him right since the very beginning. He had realized he deserved someone far better than the blond.
The thought made the blond’s throat dry and something in his plexus solar clench, but he kept his face as neutral as before.
“There’s...Something has been kind of bugging me, lately.” Izuku started. “Not that it’s something new, on the contrary even, it’s been there for the beginning of our relationship, and when I first noticed this I just brushed it off, but ever since then, I noticed it’s still the same and -”
“Deku. You’re mumbling again. Spit it out.”
“Do you… really see me as your equal ?”
Katsuki’s eyebrows shot to his hairline and he felt his own eyes bulge almost comically.
He had expected a lot of things, but this ?
“Why would you doubt that ? I don’t hold back when we train. You pay your own ticket when we go to the cinema. We split chores.”
“Well yeah but… I mean…”
Izuku still looked uncomfortable, refusing to make eye-contact, but didn’t elaborate. Katsuki mentally checked what his lover could reproach on this level, but he honestly didn’t see anything. Maybe the blond didn’t ask enough what Izuku thought of this or that ? Katsuki didn’t feel like he needed to, because since his boost of confidence in UA, the nerd had no trouble to speak his mind. But maybe Izuku needed the reassurance Katsuki still acknowledged his opinion?
Shit, that made sense, especially given their history. Katsuki wanted to slap himself for not thinking about that.
But he would do better. He would prove to his boyfriend he was worthy of the chance Izuku had given him.
Not that Katsuki would ever say it aloud - actions speak more than words, and Dynamight was not a fucking sap.
So instead, he just rolled his eyes and got up, already planning to make katsudon for diner to apologise without having to do it verbally.
“If it’s for something so damn stupid, I don’t see why you’re making this a big drama.”
“Does it bother you that I’m a man?” Izuku asked, sudden and blunt.
Katsuki’s head whipped to the sitting form of his boyfriend, as stunned as if a piece of the ceiling had fallen and hit him directly on the head.
“What the fuck ?!”
Izuku remained silent but winced a little - and Katsuki didn’t know what hurt him the most, that Deku could think this or that Deku was visibly uncomfortable to talk to him about something like that, something serious at the core of their relationship.
The blond’s hands grabbed gently at the other’s shoulders. Even if he was angry his lover could think something so absurd , he knew he shouldn’t take it out on the nerd, especially since he had learned to take more in consideration other’s feelings, especially those of people he cared about. The green orbs finally met his, and Katsuki held them with all the sincerity he could muster.
“Deku, we’ve been dating for four fucking years. I’m not a fan of hand-holding and all that cheesy shit, but I’ve never been ashamed to be seen with you. And given the amount of time we fuck, I thought that was pretty obvious I like your male body, which isn’t too much a surprise since I’m fucking gay ! So tell me where the fuck you got that bullshit ?!”
Okay, he might have loosen it a bit at the end but Hell, he had never pretended to have master the fine art of not loosing his shit - especially since if anything, Katsuki should be the one legitimely worried about Deku disturbed by his male body, Deku being bisexual and Katsuki, his first male partner.
The freckled young man mumbled something Katsuki couldn’t hear.
“What ?!”
“... You’re always the dominant one in bed.”
Katsuki blinked once, then twice.
What the fuck ?!
Was Izuku... not satisfied with their intimate life ? He always seemed to enjoy when they made love and - seriously, what the fuck ?!
As if he had sensed what Katsuki was thinking, Izuku quickly shook his hands
“It’s not that I don’t like being the one bottoming or that you’re not good !” Deku said quickly, then added with a few stutters and a growing blush “But you… You never let me top. And you never… perform oral… on me…”
Cold rushed in all of the blond’s body.
Shit. Shit !
Katsuki knew something like that could happen, but it still took him aback. He knew Izuku would eventually notice their lack of power dynamic exchange in the bedroom, but after so many years together and no trace of complaint from his boyfriend, Katsuki had thought Deku was fine with keeping things as they were - which, in all honesty, worked perfectly for the blond.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck !
He tried to dodge the question, tone harsher.
“That’s a fucking lie, I go down on your as-
“Not what I mean !” Deku whined, cheeks aflame “You never do it on my... sex, and when I try to take the lead, you fight to keep it and end up always being the one in control. And like you said, we’ve been together for a long while and we have sex regularly but… We never switch. So I did some researches on Internet and -”
“You fucking googled that ?!”
“It was starting to really get to my mind, so yes !” Deku replied, starting to sound a bit exasperated. He stopped for one second as if to collect himself before adding a bit calmer. “Anyway… I picked on several serious sites, some even specialised in LGBT+ topics, and, well. A lot said that when one partner in a male couple refused bluntly to let the other top without giving explanation, it might be that. Because you… You might not see me as a man.”
Of course this was absolutely not that, and Katsuki wanted to yell as much to his partner - but if he did, he would have to explain and… just the idea of doing so made the blond’s skin crawl. He couldn’ really blame Deku, or these shitty sites, because the reasoning made sense : in their actual society, meaning a heternormative and misogynist one, be penetrated and on the passive side during sexual intercourse is rather connoted as a feminin behavior. Which, once again, heteronormative and misogynist as fuck, but still. It wasn’t that far-fetched.
Shit. Katsuki wanted to blow his face with his own explosion.
“I know it’s not like you, this kind of behavior” Izuku added, like he could feel Katsuki’s uneasiness - and he probably could, with how silent and still the other was “But… But you have to admit it’s a bit weird. And if you’re like this because you’re not sure you could like bottoming I understand, but… but it’s the kind of thing we need to talk about, as a couple. Because ever since I saw these websites, it… It really messed me up. I’m not sure I’d… like to keep what we have if they’re right.”
It’s not like that ! Katsuki wanted to scream.
Instead, he bit on his lips and clenched his fists, avoiding the other’s eyes.
The cold, slimy sensation wrapping all over him.
No - he refused to get back there.
So Katsuki kept buying time, kept playing dense, hoping by some miracle he might not have to tell the truth he had until now succeeded in hiding.
“So you’d be ready to break up with me because you’re not satisfied with our sex life.”
“That’s not what I mean ! If you really don’t like it I’ll understand and we can go back to what we usually do. But we’ve never discussed the matter before, and when I tried to initiate it, you never let it happen. Our actual sex life is great, it’s more… the trust behind it?”
“So you don’t trust me.”
“What - of course I do ! I know we can find a solution, which is why we’re having this conversation !”
His chest strappled, his hands useless, villains circling him.
Katsuki’s fists flew to the collar of Izuku’s shirt and gripped him tight.
“No need for a fucking solution since there’s no fucking problem. I like being in charge and fucking you, and you like being fucked and bossed around in bed. No need to switch things up or whatever shit you said.”
Izuku’s gaze kept holding his, not afraid in the slightest. Only then did Katsuki realised what he had done - he had instinctively gone back to intimidation, something he had worked so hard to stop, especially around Izuku.
He let go immediately and took a step back.
“Kacchan - that’s exactly what I meant when I talked about trust. You don’t trust me to try new things.”
“I don’t - fucking Hell nerd, I follow your shitty plans when we’re in a battle and you’re the only one I accept to team up with without going in my own way! Of course I fucking trust you ! ”
Frustration was building faster and faster through him.
He slammed his now sizzling hand on the bedside table and eyed their favorite mugs nearby - one shaped in All-Might head and the other representing a skull in flames. He went to grab the first but dodge to the later at the last second - he knew how Deku loved his stupid All Might merch - and blew it on the spot.
“What the Hell, Kacchan ?!”
“What, you’d prefer if it was your fucking face, nerd ?!” He almost yelled, throwing the remains of broken ceramic on the floor.
“Calm down, now !”
He couldn’t - because calming down meant they’d have to go back to the conversation, they’d have to talk about it - and that was out of question.
Aggressivity was bubbling like lava in his veins, boiling to erupt and let out all its violence - and he had worked so hard to manage with it, to become a better person, but as he felt cornered like a feral animal, it seemed like the only option left.
But Deku - Katsuki didn’t want to hurt Deku, not anymore, but -
Flashes of powerlessness crawled up his spine like a swampy slug.
He could feel his breath getting ragged, his muscles stiffening, the smell of burnt sugar intensing around him.
He refused to look at his boyfriend, but Izuku must have noticed his distress as his voice sounded concerned.
“Kacchan, talk to me.”
Fucking Hell - he didn’t want to talk !
Fingers wrapping around his neck, squeezing, pulling him in the void.
His fist threw itself at Izuku, the punch landing way too close to the other’s hip. A wooden slate cracked loudly at the impact. Izuku didn’t move. Dammit, why was he not moving ?
“Kacchan.”
Katsuki refused to answer and went to grab at Izuku’s collar again but a scarred hand stopped him.
Panting, crouched over Deku, the blond finally looked at his lover. His green brows were furrowed severely, but he didn’t look like he would run away or fight back - which was what Katsuki had hoped.
“Katsuki.” Izuku said calmly “Whatever it is, snap out of it. Now.”
Realisation hit Katsuki like a truck, and he took a step back like Izuku could burn him.
He… he had been close to hurt Izuku again.
Fuck. Fuck !
And yet the situation was drastically opposed to the times he had bullied Izuku. Because right now, Katsuki was the one afraid, and Izuku the one who could finish him off in a blink.
Not that it didn’t change anything - he had almost hit his partner. He had almost reverted to what he had so painfully tried to prove to the others, to Izuku, to himself, that he was not.
He cursed loudly, throat dry and tight, and hit the wall.
He needed to calm down, he knew he did - but he couldn’t.
“Kacchan. I don’t know what the Hell is happening to you, but you need to calm down. Breathe.”
“I am perfectly calm !”
“You’re getting all berserk, you avoid the topic and you haven’t given me any explanation or reason for why you refuse. So please… tell me these sites were wrong and it’s not because you don’t see me as your equal.”
Reddish orbs squeezed shut.
He was hurting Izuku.
Giant worm-like blobs forcing its way in his ears, his nose, his mouth.
Deku was sitting on their bed, facing him, hands clenched tight and voice full of distress, needing to be reassured, and Katsuki just knew his lover was thinking back about the time he used to call Izuku useless and inferior, the time he called him a simple rock on his glorious path - and it was all because Katsukihad had fucked up, once again.
His limbs held in place when he ached to run away, his hands forced to use his quirk when he didn’t want to.
Fuck. Fuck !
“Kac-”
“It’s because of the fucking Sludge !”
The words had spat themselves out of his yelling mouth.
Izuku looked taken aback.
“What?”
Dammit, did Deku really had to make him repeat ?!
Katsuki needed to blow something, to hit, to punch, to destroy - to keep the danger at a distance, except the fucking danger could not be kept at distance because it was his own mind .
“When this bastard captured me and used me like a fucking puppet to destroy the city-center, he… had a total control of my body, I could see, I could feel - and it was fucking awful - but I was as powerless as a damn baby and…”
And that had terrified him.
Now he couldn’t stop the words from spilling, lava finally erupting from the volcano, without seeing the pained expression of his boyfriend.
“Kacchan…”
“When he attacked me, he surged on me and his whole gross body was all around me and - and inside me, because he infiltrated his slimy fuckery in my nose, my ears, my mouth - it was disgusting and it went like that for hours without me being able to do fucking anything about it !”
His voice broke at the end of the sentence, and he felt a prickling at his eyes and nose - dammit, like he needed to be any more pathetic !
And now Deku knew, and he’d force Katsuki to be confronted to that when he didn’t want to think about it anymore, and Katsuki had fucked royally and almost hurt Izuku again when he had swore to himself he wouldn’t, under any circumstances -
“So no, I don’t have any problem with you having a dick, but I refuse to ever feel like that again, to be…”
Vulnerable.
Two arms looped around his middle and a body pressed against him in silence, cutting him in his frenzy.
Katsuki was panting. He could feel Deku’s heart beating against his chest. Apple-scented shampoo invaded his nostrils as his lover’s curls tickled his nose, replacing the smell of nitroglycerin.
The blond hesitated for one second, then passed his own arms around the other body and held tight.
They stayed like that for a moment, without saying anything. Slowly, Katsuki felt himself calming down.
Izuku was slightly shorter than him, but not to the point of having a real problem to press their foreheads together, which he just did. When the scarred hands gently covered his cheeks, Katsuki realised how warm they were .
“Why didn’t you tell me ?” The freckled Hero asked in a murmur.
“Because that’s fucking stupid !”
He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to have to focus on it. It wasn’t even that big of a deal ! Katsuki was strong, stronger than that. He didn’t want to be weak. He didn’t want Deku to see him weak and afraid - how could Katsuki keep up with Izuku, if he was weak and afraid?
Izuku’s thumb rubbed his skin soothingly, bringing the blond back to the present
“It’s not. You were hurt and experienced a traumatic situation when we were just teen-”
“Stop talking like I’m a fucking baby or something !” Katsuki said harshly, grabbing his lover by the wrists and pulling them down, breaking the contact. “I kick Villain’s asses every day, my workout routine is more intense than this slimy fucker was, it’s FAR from enough to throw me off !”
“Kacchan, anyone would have been shocked by basically being dispossessed of their body.”
As Izuku was talking, Katsuki noted his eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth slightly pursed, like when he was thinking very quickly. Deku was far from idiot, and he was stupidly attentive, especially toward him : Katsuki knew his boyfriend was connecting small dots after small dots. Why he refused to switch things in the bedroom, sure, but also why he never listened to anyone during team-up, how he was startled and angry every time someone grabbed him when he couldn’t see it, how wary he was with fellow Heroes having control-centered quirk such as Shinso, maybe even linking up to how bad Katsuki slept.
Izuku tried to hold his hand back. “Listen, maybe you should -”
“No.”
“I wasn’t even finished !”
“I know what you’re going to say : you want me to go see a shrink or some shit like that.”
“It’s not some shit ! We’re talking about your mental health !”
“And it’s fucking fine as it is !”
“It’s not !” Izuku shouted,visibly angry. “It’s been hurting you and it keeps haunting you since. It’s not something that’s going to stop magically if you keep brushing the matter aside.”
“I don’t need any fucking help ! I can take care of myself !”
Katsuki was not dumb: he was perfectly aware that this thing was affecting him, both on personal and professional levels. But talking about it to some extra in white coat wouldn’t change anything ! Katsuki might have screwed up with the Sludge and the League, but now he was stronger and could handle this alone !
It was Izuku’s turn to bang his fist on the poor bedside table, making it crack painfully.
Fury twisted the corners of Izuku’s mouth and the freckled cheeks reddened in anger.
“Why do you have to always let your stupid pride take over everything else ?! Asking for help isn’t a weakness ! I’m worried about you, you imbecile !”
“And that’s precisely the reason why I didn’t want to tell you about it !”
“Because yelling at each other is better, maybe ?!” Deku yelled.
An heavy silence followed. Izuku's jaws were gritting and his green eyes shined with held-back tears.
Seeing his boyfriend so mad - so hurt - he was on the verge of crying made Katsuki nauseous. Dammit !
They stared at the other without uttering a sound. The tension fell down slowly as they both took their breath back.
Now that he was a bit calmer, Katsuki wanted to slap himself. He hated seeing Deku so distressed, especially because of him. He had royally screwed, once again.
The blond rubbed his hand on his own face. He’d kick himself later, he had more urgent to do right now.
“I’m sorry.”
Despite how softly Katsuki had said that, Izuku seemed to catch it. He shook his head slightly.
“No… I shouldn’t have reacted this way.” Deku sighed, regret pinching his features “It must have been painful for you to talk to me about it and instead of supporting you, I started pressuring you when you might not have been ready… And I started yelling at you to make it worse, I-I basically guilted you to force you to-”
“Deku, stop. We both screwed this up, okay ?”
He lightly opened his arms in invitation and found himself with an armful of nerd. The embrace was like a soothing on a burn, and achieved to calm Katsuki down, letting him sour with self-reproach. They didn’t argue often, but they both loathed when they did. The aftermath was always a bitch.
Katsuki pressed a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.
“I’m sorry I made you feel alienated.” The blond apologised. “I… I should have fucking think about how this could affect you.”
“Kacchan, you’re the one who is affected and who matters, right now, I’m not really important.”
“You don’t get to tell me what’s important, nerd.”
Katsuki hoped Izuku would understand this sentence as it was : the blond’s way to say Izuku was always a priority to him.
Izuku snuggled a bit closer in Katsuki’s chest
“I’m sorry I didn’t react as you needed me to.” Deku mumbled, sounding sincerely ashamed.
“ ‘S not like there’s a fucking manual for this shit or something.”
“Hmm. I love you. I’ll try to be a better partner next time.”
“Love you too.”
Maybe Izuku was right, Katsuki thought. If the way he actually handled his potential PTSD - fuck, did he hated that label - had been enough to start such a serious argument between the two, maybe he wasn’t succeeding as much as he thought. Of course Katsuki was aware his method, or therefore lack of, had some flaws, but until now, it had done the job rather decently. If he had to be honest however, the blond knew it penalized him… in some points… but nothing he couldn’t take care of. But now, Katsuki had understood Izuku was also affected by the situation. Other people too, but he didn’t really care for them. And even if for now it didn’t have too many repercussions on his work, having the excuse of youth, he knew if he kept playing solo in team-up missions, his career would suffer from it.
But he still really, really didn’t want to - to confront this shit.
He sighed.
“Maybe I’ll think about what you said. The whole shrink shit.”
“Kacchan, you don’t have to. I said that because I was worried about you, but it’s not an excuse, you should do what you feel like you need the most. If you’re not ready for a therapist or really think it won’t help you -”
Katsuki rolled his eyes.
“Don’t start rambling again, you damn nerd. I said I might give it a thought, I didn’t take a fucking apointment or something.”
Deku offered him a tender smile and pecked him on the lips “Thank you for telling me, Kacchan.”
Katsuki wondered once again how someone like Izuku could accept him. Offer him patience, support and kindness when Katsuki had just thrown a violent tantrum. He didn’t deserve him, his almost slip back was proof enough.
But Katsuki was egoist, and if Izuku didn’t tell him to leave, he wouldn’t.
There were pieces of porcelain on the floor, they’d have to replace the broken slat and the bedside table now had a big welt almost to its bottom. Katsuki didn’t care, and Izuku neither, for what it looked like.
They stayed embraced in silence.