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So I let my torn-out heart dance,
and question the sudden emptiness in my chest.
What was once there to shelter me from the monster within,
has now been laid out bare for all to see.
This is my way of letting you go.
Words are so utterly and completely fucking empty. Just like promises are completely meaningless.
He feels like an empty shell. Just like Dabi’s words are now. Hollow. His eyes used to shine brightly blue whenever he spoke of his love for Tomura, but now they only seem to be set ablaze when he mentions his hatred for his father. Which has become nearly every waking moment.
Firestarter: I miss you so much it hurts.
Firestarter: I cannot stop thinking about you.
Firestarter: When you finally come out of that stupid tank I will love you until you go crosseyed.
Firestarter: Whiskey doesn’t taste the same when i'm not drinking with you ‘Mura.
Firestarter: If i could still cry i would be shedding bloody tears right now.
He scrolls past the messages Dabi left him while he was in the tank. His shitty phone illuminates the dark room he’s currently hiding in. Whenever someone will find him he doesn’t know. Doesn’t care either. It’s hard to care when even breathing is this painful.
I missed you too, to the point of it being painful. I still miss you. You are the thing that’s on my mind most of the time. I wish you did. I can’t even stomach the taste of whiskey anymore without it feeling like agony. If I wasn’t feeling so mind numbingly empty I would be crying right now. Screaming even. But you don’t care. You aren’t here anymore, are you Touya? I’ve lost. I was supposed to gain everything but instead I lost what mattered the most. I’ve lost the only thing I ever truly cared about.
His finger hovers over the send button, his hands are shaking and he’s hesitating. He ends up deleting the response. Because what’s the point? There is no resolution to this loss. Their love has become one-sided, he’s right back to being the pining fool, chasing after someone who couldn’t care less about him. It makes him feel like he’s a small weeping child again. He hates feeling this vulnerable, like his heart has been ripped out of his split-open chest. Gapingly empty.
The hand that reached out into that pit of darkness Tomura had been stuck in now transformed into the hand that pushes him right back in. Sweltering, dizzying, suffocating darkness. His strong resolve that was already faltering now being torn into tatters.
This is not what he’d expected to happen at all. Of course the war didn’t guarantee their victory, but he had expected Dabi to be there waiting for him. For their reunion to be all teary-eyed. For them to fall into bed together while gasping sweet nothings into each other's mouths. Or at the very least that he would be happy or relieved to see him. What he got instead was a shock to his nervous system, as if someone dumped a huge bucket of ice water on him. And as he stood there, hair dripping, freezing droplets clattering on the tile floor, only to be set ablaze as the harsh reality sunk in and crashed down around him.
It’d taken a while for Tomura to wake up and for Sensei to temporarily vacate his body while he recharged and healed. He’d been out for a few days, or so Spinner told him. Dabi had greeted him when he entered the kitchen, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
“Glad to see you in the land of the living again.”
He looked like hell. The burns on his face were raw and red around the staples. One of his hands looked very painful to move, and by the way he was using it, very limited in movement. But within that hell he also looked like home. Like the place he belonged.
There was nothing Tomura wanted more in that moment than to be close to Dabi. Close to the point of blending in together. Close enough to abandon the ‘I’ and ‘you’ and exist solely as ‘we’ .
They entered the bedroom in a flash, a flurry of limbs and sloppy kisses. Dabi had dropped himself onto the soft sheets, spreading his legs so Tomura could crawl between them, slotting their hips together so they could gently grind into each other as their cocks slowly hardened.
“I missed you so much.” Tomura murmured into Dabi’s mouth, who answered with a groan, sounding suspiciously like a ‘yeah’ .
Clothes were ripped off, as they clamored to each other, as if when they’d let go the separation would be permanent. As if after this they would never be allowed this close again.
It’s not often that Dabi wants to be taken, and it’s even less common for him to instigate it, however he’s needy this time. He’d shoved Tomura off him, so he could raise his bare bottom, glancing at Tomura behind him, awaiting his next move. From the way his hole glistens Tomura can tell he’s been prepped already, so he slides his cock right into that heat he’s lucky to call home. Arms tighten themself around Dabi’s small frame, as he sticks his head into the crook of his lover’s neck and groans as he inhales that scent he’s missed all these months.
While Tomura was stuck in that stupid tank it’d left Dabi with a lot of time on his hands. Stuck alone with his thoughts, with no one to counter them or disprove them. Everything good is temporary. Tomura would make no exception. Sure, it was nice while it lasted, and he loves him deeply, but he can’t afford to become attached to a single source of happiness. Or rather, he can’t afford to stay attached this deeply. He’s vowed his life to one sole purpose: ending Enji Todoroki, no matter what the cost of that may be. His love for another person can’t get in the way of that. In the first weeks he’d slipped up a few times, sent Tomura some whiny text messages when he had some weak or drunk moments, but other than that he would say he coped relatively well with his attempt to sever his attachment. Still, there were a lot of nights where the empty loneliness gnawed into him, leaving him wide awake, and even worse, yearning for Tomura’s touch. His warmth. Just the other sleeping softly beside him. But he was sure after a few more weeks these feelings would disappear.
The fight with his dad that followed had left him quite badly burned and beaten. He had barely even noticed Tomura there on the battlefield. The place in his chest that held Tomura’s love had now been flooded with the burning hatred towards his dad and the rest of his family. It’s been all he can think about eversince. The warmth he’d felt when he kissed Tomura for the first time again, when he touched him like a starving man, as he felt Tomura enter him and set a soft yet desperate rhythm that made his chest feel all tight and his legs all wobbly. But that sweet bliss was short lived. The gentle feelings quickly faded with the mere sound of his phone notifications.
* Number one hero Endeavor has woken up after injuries left him unconscious - statement is expected soon *
All those butterflies and all that warmth instantly got shattered. Tomura was still panting against the back of his neck, ‘I missed you so terribly’ , as his hips thrusted with more vigor this time. So lost in the sensation of the other’s body, it took him a while to notice that Dabi had been scrolling through his phone, glaring at the screen that praised Endeavor for his fight, only to open up another news source that was scolding Endeavor for ‘allegedly’ being an awful father and a generally abusive person. A wicked grin graced Dabi’s face, smiling so big and toothy that the staples on the corners of his lips were starting to strain.
“Dabi?” Tomura’s hips had stilled, but he remained inside.
“Look, they’re all hating on him ‘Mura, I finally ruined his life.”
It took Tomura by surprise to see his lover avert his gaze back towards his phone again, open up article after article, swiping away at them or typing lengthy responses to Endeavor supporters under a fake alias. He never seemed to notice Tomura slipping out of him, having gone completely soft. Never said anything as he left his room.
It went on for days like this. At first, Tomura was convinced it had been a fluke. Dabi was probably still coming down from all the adrenaline and all the years of pain that built up inside of him were coming to the surface. Dabi was just having a hard time processing it all. That had to be it. But after days of their kisses being interrupted by phone notifications about his asshole father Tomura had been fed up.
He should’ve known it would all end up in flames. After all, people like them aren’t built to last. They aren’t the lucky ones. They aren’t the people who are granted happily ever-afters.
The tv in the living room was blasting the news on full volume. The heroes' failure, and with that of course Endeavor, were still all that was being talked about. The voice of a woman was droning on, making Tomura’s head spin. Every single interaction had become about Endeavor. A small kiss, followed by a rant about Endeavor. A gentle hug, disturbed by a notification about another Endeavor article. Alone time interrupted because Dabi had to watch the same news being regurgitated yet again. Just like today, he’d crawled out of their shared bed, where they’d slept with as much distance between them as possible, to crawl back to his spot on the beaten down sofa in front of the television. It was the straw that finally broke the camel's back. Getting up from where he was seated Tomura stormed towards the shared living room, towards that fucking piece of shit electronic device and tore it right of the wall. The tv made a feeble buzzing sound as its cables were severed by brute force.
“What the hell ‘Mura? I was watching that.”
“I can’t do this anymore Dabi.”
“I have no idea what you mean.”
“Oh fuck you.” Tomura growled, tears forming in the corner is his eyes, threatening to spill over. The sight made Dabi’s chest sting.
“You know you don’t have to watch the news if you don’t want to. I’m not gonna force you to keep up with important events.”
“I don’t fucking care that you watch the news, but it’s the only thing you do! You leave in the middle of us cuddling, let us get interrupted while we fuck, it’s like you don’t care about me anymore.”
“Well maybe I don’t care anymore.” Dabi says, still seated nonchalantly on the couch, with his arms crossed defensively and legs thrown on top of the small salon table.
“What do you mean you don’t?” The first tear falls. Dabi follows the glistening trail it leaves on Tomura’s pale cheek.
“That I simply don’t care anymore.” About you. About us.
“I don’t get it, what about all those promises we made?” All those times you said you’d follow me to the end of the world?
“Well tough fucking shit.”
Hours have probably passed at this point. The walls are closing in on him. He knows he should get up but his legs feel like they’re made out of lead. He’s sure his eyes are all bloodshot and he’s even paler than usual, but what does seeing his mirror image tell him what his feelings can’t? That he not only feels like shit but also looks like shit?
This was definitely not how it was supposed to go. Dabi can feel something dripping over his cheeks. It’s sweat, he tries to convince himself. If he doesn’t touch the wet substance and avoids the mirror he can pretend there aren’t bloody tears streaming down his face. Tomura should’ve broken up with him over this. Gotten all angry and up in his face about it. Instead he looked defeated. Broken. Like a child that just got abandoned by their parents. Devastated. His chest feels all tight and empty at the same time. He only realises he’s been hyperventilating when his vision’s starting to turn black. He doesn’t know what to do. There’s comfort in nothing. Only Tomura. So it’s either mindless suffering or suffering with the possibility of comfort. It doesn’t even feel like a decision. Before he can react his legs have already carried him to Tomura’s room.
Tomura can hear someone dropping themselves onto the floor on the opposite of the door.
“I’m sorry ‘Mura.”
“You have five seconds to leave. If you don’t I will decay the door and then you’re next.”
“I deserve that.”
“Yes you do. Might as well tear my fucking heart out while you were at it.”
“No point, you would’ve regenerated.”
“Yeah well, not metaphorically speaking.”
“I’m scared of you ‘Mura.”
“Rightfully so.”
“Yeah.” He grins. “I can’t recall a time where I loved something. Or someone. Pain is all I’ve known for most of it. And then you came. I became attached. I knew I would probably die going up against dear old dad. But then I didn’t. I had to come down from that alone, while you were out. I vowed I wouldn’t let myself get close again. Because next time I’m not holding back. Or letting myself be held back. I didn’t lie when I said I don’t care anymore. I accepted that my fate is a suicide mission. I can’t have a relationship stand between that.”
“I don’t matter enough to keep living for, is what you’re saying right?”
“To put it crudely, yes.”
“So why not indulge in the only good thing we have left? You’re not the only one who's running out of lives.”
“Because I’m scared it will give me a reason to stay.” He pauses to swallow. “Seeing you in that tank, lifeless and unresponsive, it made my chest feel hollow. Like I’ve lost a part of myself. I can’t afford to lose you and with that losing part of me.”
“You won’t lose a part of yourself.”
“But what if-”
The door opens and warmth enfolds him. “Stop making yourself suffer for feelings you are allowed to have. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.”
Then there's sobbing. They’re covered in blood and tears. Dabi’s grabbing onto Tomura’s newly muscled back, dragging his nails into it. He knows he should let go, but he can’t. He can’t. With Tomura he will be strong enough, or so he hopes. And when the time comes to let him go, he will let his torn out heart dance as he follows him down to the depths of whatever hell is awaiting them. Together they will make it, even if it kills them.