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It must be difficult for Sam to be with him, Bucky finds himself thinking that night again. It is a bitter sensation that harasses him when he less expecting, usually when he feels happy. Bucky is not the man he used to be in the 40s when he knew how to talk and be around people, he loved dancing and joke around. He used to be so easy going, but not anymore. It is obvious Sam loves being around people and Bucky can get tired so soon during any social encounter with people he doesn’t know (aside from Sam’s family he knows three or so people he doesn’t mind spending time with). Sam deserves something better than a crazy man like Bucky who causes long and tense silences. If at least he could…
"Stop it," Sam murmurs quietly with eyes closed. Sam is using his chest as a pillow and his arms are around his body, holding him lightly. He is trying to sleep and Bucky is not letting him relax and give himself completely to his sleep. "I can hear your gears moving inside your head.” Sam doesn’t move or look at him. He is too comfortable and Bucky heartbeats are so relaxing. The only problem is how boisterous his thoughts are right now. “And it's so annoying."
Bucky sighs. How can he know when he is getting morbid thoughts stuck in his head? It is cute and infuriating at the same time, thus Bucky doesn't know if he hates or loves him for that. Since he is with Sam, he doesn't have time to dwell on his dark and hopeless thoughts like he used to which is a good thing but, some times, Bucky still believes he doesn't deserve this happiness. He has to keep working on that. "So now, I can't even...?" Bucky rolls his eyes with a smile when he feels Sam’s hand feeling about his face.
"No, when I'm trying to sleep. I don't have a serum running through my veins that allows me to be able to work after only two or three hours of good sleep." Sam cuts him and caresses his cheek. Bucky nods in silence before he starts humming a song by Marvin Gaye that he knows Sam loves. He doesn't need to see his face to know Sam is smiling. "Much better."
Much better, Bucky thinks. This is something he hasn't forgotten how to do that gives him some joy. And Sam enjoys his soft humming which makes Bucky even happier while doing it. Bucky caresses Sam's arm who purrs pleased. "Much better," repeats with a sleepy voice.
Bucky keeps humming softly. He makes a list in his head with all the new things he has learnt and all the positive things about himself. It is not easy but his therapist has stressed the importance of this during his sessions and Bucky is discovering this is really useful when his mind goes to dark places. Bucky doesn't deserve this happiness but right now, he has some problems believing it completely. He is fighting to be better, helping people and trying as hard as possible to be worthy of love. And he has between his arm the most wonderful man on Earth. Bucky wants to believe he has done something right during his life to end here with Sam.
He keeps humming, noticing the change in Sam's breath that now is slower and deeper. Bucky smiles when he finishes the song and starts singing in almost a whisper a song of Ella Fitzgerald now, he is an old man after all and he loved Ella Fitzgerald when he was young.
Sam falls asleep on his chest, but Bucky doesn't stop. He doesn't want this moment to end.
He is not the man he used to be, he doesn't enjoy being around people, doesn't know how to dance, doesn't have his easy smile anymore... But he has learnt new things and is fighting to be a better man; and more importantly, he remembers how to sing. And sometimes, a song can be enough.