Work Text:
There was always something so beautiful about Katya when they were riding.
Trixie always thought he was beautiful, but there was something different about the way he looked in those moments.
Tonight he’d prodded Trixie awake at around 1.30am, and the second Trixie rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and saw the look on Katya’s face, he knew. He knew he was in trouble, he’d seen this look too many times before.
“Trix,” he purred, nosing at him, breath warm on his cheek, body practically vibrating with excitement. “It’s time.”
“Have you slept at all?” Trixie grumbled, burying his face back into his pillow, determined to put him off.
“You know I haven’t,” Katya said, pouting slightly.
“Five more minutes,” Trixie replied, tugging the sheets over his head.
“We gotta go, mama. We gotta ride,” Katya said, pulling the covers back, voice hushed like he was telling a secret. He spread his cold hands over Trixie’s back, moving up and down gently. Trixie shivered, goosebumps erupting on his skin.
“Alright, alright,” he said, now too awake to ignore him any longer, “don’t say I never do anything for you.”
Katya jumped up and hauled Trixie out of bed, giving him a blinding smile. He brought him in and kissed his forehead. “You won’t regret this, Trix.”
“Yeah yeah,” Trixie bristled, pretending to wipe spit off his forehead, “go get the horses ready.”
“Yes, sir!” Katya said, saluting him, a shit-eating grin spread over his face. He scurried away and Trixie got dressed as quickly as he could in his half-awake state, knowing better than to keep Katya waiting when he’s in this kind of mood.
-
They were riding down an unknown canyon road about 2 miles north of the ranch, trotting slowly, their only light source being the blanket of seemingly millions of stars that lit up the inky black sky. The moon hung low, vast and robust.
“Waning gibbous, mama. Nearly at the end of the cycle,” Katya said, following Trixie’s gaze.
“Of course you know all the names,” Trixie said, rolling his eyes. Katya grinned at him, teeth shiny, sharp and so white.
“With a look like that I’m just glad it’s not a full moon,” Trixie mumbled, half to himself, which led to Katya throwing his head back and cackling loudly, ending with a long howl for good measure.
“You’re gonna scare the horses, Christ,” Trixie scolded, clutching at his reins tightly.
“They’re used to me by now, come on,” Katya says dismissively, waving a hand towards him. Which, judging by how his horse was still gently clopping along, he may be right about that.
Trixie wiped his brow and pulled the brim of his hat down. It had cooled down a little from the oppressively hot day, but the heat still clung to the air, sweat beading at his temples, making it hard to breathe.
They rode in comfortable silence until they reached a long, uninterrupted stretch of straight dirt road off of the main thoroughfare. Katya turned to him, eyes sparkling.
“It’s time,” he whispered, excitement pouring out from all over him.
“Let’s go,” Trixie replied, “last one to the end has to clean up after the horses for a week.”
“Oh you’re on, bitch,” Katya cackled, digging his heels in and screaming out his routine, completely unironic, “yeehaw!”
He sped off in front, kicking up dirt and leaving behind a plume of dust. Katya’s horse was fast, but he always used the same trick - sprint fast right out of the gate and breeze right through to the end on pace and longevity alone. Which, granted, his horse could absolutely do and has done many times in the past. Trixie however, had a slightly different approach. Start at an even pace, little squeezes on his horse’s side rather than one big kick, push through to even out to the other rider, then use the conserved energy to sprint at the end.
Trixie sped up to reach Katya, about to shout out a snarky comment, when glanced over and saw it. He saw the look that made his chest twinge and his breath catch in his throat. Katya with his eyes closed, arms spread open, fingers outstretched, heart aimed toward the sky. It was a sort of serene pleasure, pure and simple joy that he’s never seen in him before, and doubts anything else but doing this could recreate it. It brought a level of beauty to him that was seamless, uncomplicated. He looked almost peaceful. The light from the moon and stars above accentuated his strong jawline, casting shadows across the sharp line of his nose, his high cheekbones.
How he felt when he saw Katya like this, it wasn’t like butterflies, it didn’t feel sweet and saccharine like he always imagined it would when he was a little kid. It was more like a mole, borrowing deep into him, twisting in his chest blindly, gouging at his insides with sharp claws - ugly, visceral, unwanted.
And at that moment Trixie knew he was thoroughly fucked.
-
Trixie stared out to the horizon, the last of the sun's rapidly disappearing rays casting golden shadows over his face. He stretched out lazily, full and long like a cat, warmth of the day seeped into his bones and sore thighs. They’d been riding all day. He looked over at Katya, shoulders slumped, smoking slowly, a small smile pulling at his mouth as they made eye contact. The smoke from Katya’s cigarettes always burned his eyes. He never showed it.
“Come on, we should get back. We got a date with a dirty bar in this deadbeat town,” Katya said, pulling himself up from the ground and dusting the dirt off his ass. Trixie looked at his hands on his body for maybe a second too long, because when he looked up and met Katya’s eyes, he was faced with a knowing smirk and a raised eyebrow. “You good?” Katya murmured, teasing voice melting right through Trixie.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just the heat I guess,” Trixie replied, blush creeping up his neck. He grabbed Katya’s outstretched hand and was hauled up to his feet, letting out a little sound at the speed. He somehow always forgets how strong Katya is.
“Sure, the heat,” Katya teased, winking at Trixie.
“Let’s just get home, we gotta sort the horses out before we drive to the bar. I’m not having them ride any further than they have to today.”
“I call shotgun!” Katya exclaimed as he mounted his horse, fiddling with the reins and stirrups until he was settled in.
“You can’t call shotgun if you’re not anywhere near the car,” Trixie said, rolling his eyes and mounting his horse quickly.
“Sorry, can’t hear you!” Katya yelled as he sped off, kicking his heels and galloping down the road. Trixie chuckled to himself and followed behind him.
-
Katya rolled a cigarette as they raced down the highway in their beat-up Trans Am. He tipped his hat up as he lit up, propped his dusty boots up on the dash. He inhaled deeply and blew the smoke out the open window. His arm hung out over the side of the car, hot air whipping his already sunburnt skin.
Trixie adjusted the soaking wet handkerchief around his neck and wiped his hand on his dirty jeans. It was so hot it was providing little relief. The sun caused wavy heat to rise from the asphalt like the road was melting under the sun’s oppressive heat. The windows let in nothing but hot air, his skin was sticky, beads of sweat collecting under his hat and dripping down his chest. He’d had to change into a loose shirt to cover himself from the sun, his tan lines starting to look a little ridiculous from wearing vests all the time.
Their favorite bar was a creaky old building seemingly in the middle of nowhere, just off the highway. Sitting just off the highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, Trixie is sure the bar has been around at least a hundred years, or at least that’s what the dusty old regular who sits in the corner told them. With its pressed tin walls, worn down floor, and scuffed cherry wood bar, they don't doubt his ramblings about the old times.
As they entered the owner tipped his hat in greeting and started pouring their drinks. Trixie blinked through his spotty vision, eyes aching from the drastic change from the bright sun outside to the smoky shadows of the bar.
They sat down on their usual barstools, clinking their glasses together. As they drank they chatted to Tom, the owner. He was the type of guy who had kind eyes, calloused hands, and a sharp tongue when he wanted to. He - like all the other elders of this small town - loved to gossip.
"There's a new band playing tonight," mentioned Tom, throwing a casual glance at Trixie.
“Before you say anything, I am not joining in,” Trixie said, rolling his eyes.
"Come on, you know your country bumpkin ass wants to show up these newbies," Katya teased.
“I do not!” Trixie blushed, “plus, remember what happened last time?”
Tom’s eyes sparkled at the thought. Trixie groaned and covered his face with his hands. That night had provided entertainment for weeks after among pretty much anyone who would walk through the door.
“Well, this time you’re not drinking whisky and Tom nailed down all the barstools since then. And I’m not going to allow it, either. Please, Trix?” Katya begged, fluttering his eyelashes at him.
Trixie rolled his eyes and agreed reluctantly. Katya whooped and grabbed his wrist, shaking it back and forth as he giggled.
Later, after a few drinks and way too many baskets of fries, Trixie stood up on the stage with the band. They introduced themselves with Trixie as their temporary addition. Katya whooped and clapped loudly from the bar the second his name was mentioned, causing the other patrons to glance over to him and then back at Trixie. Trixie blushed furiously and flipped him off. He could still hear Katya’s wheezy giggle from across the room.
They started their set right away, mostly a mix of Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, and some Tim McGraw. Trixie missed playing, always told himself he needed to get his own guitar like he had when he was a kid. His fingers ached from the strings, chest fluttering with a feeling of excitement of being on the stage and nostalgia.
Katya refused to join everyone else on the makeshift dance floor, but every time Trixie glanced up he saw Katya grinning widely, never taking his eyes off the stage.
-
The place had started to clear out, the band long gone and the bartenders’ shout for last orders floated through the building to the few regulars left behind. Katya drained his drink, paid their tab, and hopped off the barstool, turning toward Trixie with an extended hand.
“May I have this last dance?” Katya asked, smirking. Trixie cackled and agreed, finishing his drink and placing a few extra bills down on the bar.
The old jukebox crackled as they swayed together, Katya’s hands on Trixie’s hips and chin resting on his shoulder. They pressed their bodies together as it worked through the last of the playlist, classic country songs about love that made Trixie feel warm inside.
-
On the drive home, Katya was pestering Trixie. He started off subtle, cutting sultry glances over to him, rapidly drumming his fingers on his knee, fiddling with the car radio absentmindedly, not so subtly adjusting himself in his seat over and over.
“Faster Trix, please go fast,” Katya whined, even without looking at him Trixie knew he was pouting. Katya’s hand, its usual place fixated on Trixie’s knee, started creeping up slowly. Trixie quickly glanced away from the long, dark stretch of road to fix Katya with a warning look. Katya grinned wickedly and inched his fingers closer to Trixie’s crotch, stopping occasionally to lightly squeeze his fingertips into Trixie’s thigh.
“Katya,” Trixie said sternly, trying to keep his voice even. Katya edged his body over slowly, silently until he was leaning over the console and all up in Trixie’s space.
“I just want you to get home fast so I can get my hands on you,” Katya murmured breathily into his ear, nipping and sucking at his earlobe. Trixie shivered and sucked his breath in through his teeth, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
“Alright! If it means you’ll leave me alone for long enough so I can concentrate on getting us home in one piece,” Trixie said.
“Yes!” Katya exclaimed gleefully, wriggling in his seat with excitement.
“Hold on tight,” Trixie grinned, flooring his foot on the gas. The night sky stretched far and wide as they sped down the road as fast as the beat-up car could take them.
Katya cackled and whooped the rest of the way home, pestering temporarily forgotten.
-
The second they were through the front door, Katya’s hands were back on Trixie. Calloused hands pushing Trixie’s shirt up and off, pulling their bodies flush together, struggling to shove his boots off as his mouth left a trail of kisses up his neck.
“You make me so crazy,” Katya whispered, hands gripping his hips, creeping around and down his pants, palming his ass through his underwear.
“You’re already crazy, bitch,” Trixie shot back, head swimming. “Shower. Now.”
"But Trix," Katya whined, grabbing Trixie's cock, "I'm moments away from getting on my damn knees for this."
Trixie groaned and pulled away from him, walking towards the bathroom, yanking off his boots and jeans on the way there. Katya was hot on his heels, taking off his shirt and jeans, throwing them aside as if they were an inconvenience to him.
The bathroom quickly steamed up as they stepped into the shower, Katya pushing him against the cool tiles. Water pulsed over their bodies as they stood together in the cramped stall, dripping down, washing the sweat and dust of the day down the drain. Katya's kisses were urgent, his touches hard and insistent as they soaped each other.
They stepped out of the shower and toweled themselves down rapidly, grinning at each other as they tried to beat the other to get dry and get to the bedroom.
Katya guided Trixie down onto the bed, climbing on top of him, bracketing his arms on either side of his head, hard hands now softly stroking behind his ears.
“You’re so sexy I could do this all day,” Katya murmured, slotting his legs between Trixie’s, grinding his hips down. Trixie’s bitchy reply was swallowed by Katya’s mouth as their hard dicks rubbed together, arousal pooling in Trixie’s belly. He looked at Katya, eyes blurred round the edges with desperation. His eyes were darkened, almost black, a small smile pulling at the corner of his plump lips, bright red blush spread across his neck and chest, creeping up to the tips of his ears.
“You’re so beautiful,” Trixie said in a hushed tone.
Katya grinned and slid down his body, mouthing over his cock.
Trixie gasped and glanced down, fingers scrabbling for grip on Katya’s sweaty bald head. The sight of him between his legs almost made him come right there and then. Katya licked long stripes on his hot skin and blew cool air onto it.
"Katya," Trixie whined.
"Yes, sweetie?" he murmured, kissing and nipping the inside of Trixie's thighs.
"Please," Trixie whimpered as Katya purposely avoided where he needed him most.
"Well, since you asked so nicely," Katya said, taking Trixie in his mouth.
He jerked himself off as he swallowed him down slowly, groaning around his cock. It went through Trixie like a hot poker. He gripped the bed sheets and bucked his hips involuntarily, making the tip of his cock hit the back of Katya's throat.
"Shit, sorry," Trixie gasped out, but it seemed to spur Katya on, sucking harder and taking him as far down as he could.
"Fuck Katya, I'm-"
Katya hummed and looked up at Trixie through his long lashes. Trixie swore and came in his mouth, Katya stroking up and down his thighs as he shuddered and bucked through his orgasm. Katya wiped his mouth and grinned manically, climbing up Trixie's body, straddling his middle.
"Where-how do you want it?" Trixie said breathily, still coming down, reaching out to touch.
"Just no, hold on," Katya said, batting Trixie's hands away, "I want you to watch."
Trixie's eyes widened and he nodded, licking his lips as he watched Katya pump himself slowly at first, gradually getting faster as he became more desperate. His hand movements became stuttered, hips fucking into his hand, face screwed up, whole body tensing.
"Come on," Trixie whispered. They locked eyes and Katya whined high in the back of his throat, coming all over his hand and Trixie's chest.
-
Trixie had had a bad feeling settling on his chest for a couple of weeks now. Negative thoughts he’d shove to the back of his mind. He couldn’t pinpoint why, everything was the same as it always had been. Nothing had changed.
But he could just feel it, something bad was coming.
He didn’t have to wait very long to find out what it was. The next day Katya left just before sunrise to ride without him, creeping around the house quietly as to not wake Trixie up. As soon as the front door shut softly, Trixie sat up in bed, feeling confused and vexed at the thought of being left behind. He decided to get up and do chores until Katya came back, determined to give him space and not be in a snit when he got back.
A couple of hours later Katya came through the door, ignored Trixie’s greeting, and went straight into the shower. Trixie raised an eyebrow and continued reading his book. After a little while, Katya emerged from the bathroom, a plume of steam following him out the door. He paced up and down from the bathroom to the kitchen and back, Trixie listening intently for his shuffling feet to approach him. After bustling around in the kitchen opening and closing drawers repeatedly, he finally came through into the living room.
“We need to talk,” Katya said, a mixture of determination and apprehension written on his face. Trixie’s heart dropped.
“What’s wrong, is everything okay?” Trixie said, placing his book on the coffee table and standing up to face him.
“I just don’t think we’re going anywhere, Trix,” he whispered, worrying his lip between his teeth. Trixie stared at his mouth, both too entranced to look away and too reluctant to make eye contact.
“What do you mean?” Trixie said, tone way too loud and harsh for the quiet of the room.
“I know you’ve been thinking about it too. I can see it in your eyes,” he leaned over and closed the gap between them, reaching a hand out to hover over Trixie’s cheek. Trixie squeezed his eyes and let out a shaky breath as Katya’s hand made contact with his face, gently stroking and curling his fingers around his jawline. He moved his chin so they were eye level.
“Look at me,” he demanded. Trixie kept his eyes shut, refusal and denial bubbling in his veins. “You can’t avoid this conversation forever. It’s been too long already.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Trixie said dismissively, knocking Katya’s hand off him a little too aggressively and turning his back to him. He heard Katya sigh heavily, the sound reverberating through him. He’d heard this sound before. It was the sound he always made when he was trying to keep in his frustration at not being understood. It happened a lot with other people - that’s how Trixie had heard it so much to be able to recognize it - but he never thought it would ever be aimed at him.
“But you do know,” Katya said. The unwavering finality in his tone made Trixie feel panicky, closed-in, desperate.
“No, I don’t, Katya! Everything is fine. Nothing is different,” Trixie said, voice catching in his throat. He spun round to face Katya. He needed to see and hear everything.
“It’s not fine for me. We do the same shit day after day. I can’t keep waking up and wasting time until I go to bed. It’s so repetitive. I gotta get out of this town, make something with my life, do something.”
“But why can’t we do it together, like we talked about?” Trixie asked, swallowing thickly.
Katya sighed heavily. Trixie tensed his hands into fists, trying not to fidget or look away. His heart was buzzing as if there were thousands of bees stuck in his chest. He wanted to cut straight down his sternum and let them fly free, stop him from feeling this way.
“This is something I need to do on my own, Trixie. I can’t have you…” Katya trailed off.
“Have me what?” Trixie demanded.
“I can’t have you stopping me from what I want to do. I can’t have anyone or anything stopping me.”
“I just don’t understand, this has come out of nowhere.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now,” Katya said, flitting his gaze away for the first time in their conversation. Trixie thought back to his bad feeling from earlier, the niggling thoughts in his brain rushing to the forefront of his head, screaming I told you so.
“And you didn’t think about mentioning anything to me before?” Trixie said, incredulous.
“I wanted to be sure before I said anything. I’m not saying I hate or regret everything about what we’ve done together, Trix. I just needed to be sure before I ruined this.”
“And you’re sure now?” Trixie asked, rubbing his face with his hands, suddenly exhausted. As his eyes refocused, he looked deeply into Katya’s eyes, mapping his face into his brain again. Katya sighed and nodded sadly.
“Yes, I’m sure. I gotta go.”
“I just-I. I need you to know. I love you,” Trixie replied, stepping back into Katya’s space. Katya nodded again and pursed his lips, throat bobbing, bright blue eyes blinking a few too many times.
“Shh, honey. I know,” Katya hushed, leaning in slowly. Trixie’s eyes flicked down to Katya’s mouth again, surging forward to connect them. Their kisses were always hot and sweet but this time it was salty, and it took way too long for Trixie to realize it was because he was crying. “I love you too. It’s just not enough.”
-
Trixie still watches the sunset.
It feels wrong to do it alone. Since Katya left, he’s felt empty and achingly lonely, but still clung to the routines they had.
He still doesn’t understand what he did wrong. His thoughts keep him up at night, buzzing round and round as he sits at his little dining table. He swirls his glass of whisky, ice clinking loud in the empty room.
He wants to call Katya. Hear his voice in the dark of his bedroom like he used to, phone pressed up to his ear, curdled up in himself. The soft, gentle, tender inflection at the end of every sentence. Refusal to put the phone down even though their eyes were both heavy with sleep. Learning every little thing about each other. Talking about their dreams. Letting the secrets they keep in their throats tumble out like clear streams onto smooth rocks.
They both always wanted to get out of this town, Katya especially. He always talked about the need to escape, scratching at his soul, the deep desire cutting into his body like a knife. Necessity branding him like a hot poker.
Trixie thought they’d do it together. They’d talked about it time and time again. Trixie hated this small town, the gossip, the judging, it felt like such a dead-end life. When he was younger he thought he’d get into musical theater. Start a band. Chase the Californian dream. Once he got with Katya, he knew wherever he went Trixie would follow, no matter what. He ached for them to get out, so much so that it created a cavernous hole in his chest, yawning open every time Katya looked at him with soft eyes and a blinding smile.
But he also thinks Katya was just using him as a stepping stone before he finally got out.
Trixie thinks of inside jokes, tender strokes, small-town hopes, and takes another swig. It's going to be another long night.
-
His heart had always been Katya’s. The outrageous, funny-yet-awful thing is, they both knew. They've always known, right from the start. Trixie could even pinpoint the moment in his head when he realized he was in trouble.
Katya sat up on the kitchen counter while Trixie made dinner, ignoring the frown instantly thrown at him for having dirty pants on the place they - well, Trixie - prepared food. He opened his legs and pulled Trixie in between them, smiling as he ran his fingers down Trixie’s jawline.
"This little patchy scruff you keep trying to grow is so cute," Katya said, still grinning.
"Shut up," Trixie said, trying to pull away. Katya grabbed his hand and brought him back in, one hand creeping up his neck and the other down to his lower back.
"Who are you doing it for, hmm?" Trixie was now blushing fully, trying to stutter out an excuse. "Don't worry my little cowboy, I think it'll be nice for me to experience beard burn for once," Katya winked.
“Shut up!” Trixie repeated, bratting.
“Trixie,” Katya said, elongating the last vowels, voice laced with intimacy. It didn’t matter the number of times Trixie heard him say his name, every single time it came out so soft, gentle, private. Trixie smiled and pulled him in for a kiss, Katya still stroking his fuzzy cheek. He wanted to tell Katya he loved him because that’s all he felt and all he could think about at that moment. The feeling in his chest and head made him feel floaty, completely unmoored. He’d never been more sure of much in his life, but he knew what this was. He was in love with Katya. But he couldn’t tell him. Not yet.
He knew Katya didn't feel it the same way he did at that moment, could see it in his eyes, but he always clung to the idea that it would happen for him. It would happen for them both, they could feel the same thing at the same time. Once they had gotten to know each other, their relationship quickly blossomed. There was an undeniable bond from the beginning and throughout their time together. There was so much love between them, it just needed to shift into something more real. Something tangible, beautiful. Something they could name, keep, hold on to, fight for. And Trixie was ready to fight for it, for them.
He doesn't know when he got in so deep he couldn't see that Katya was drifting away, tunnel-visioned by his stupidity, rose-tinted glasses covering everything he could see for miles around. Even the clouds looked different back then. They'd lie and stare at them for hours, and in this state he'd got himself into the shapes they took was all pure, wholesome, stunning. He'd point them out to Katya, that one looks like a heart or a dolphin or a cat. Katya always humored him and a couple of times (mood dependent) joined him. The shapes he described though we're never quite the same. Hands and teeth and eyeballs and, once, a severed foot.
Trixie didn't know why his heart had fogged his head up with such bullshit, but this is where he ended up. Alone in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what went wrong and who Katya was now, without him. In another place, living another life, probably with another person.
He wondered what state he was in. Wondered if he’d tried to grow his hair out again like he always said he would - only to shave it off again in a mixture of frustration, impatience, and the heat of the summer.
He wondered if he got the job he always wanted, although he’s not sure what that is anymore. His mind seemed to change with the wind; one second he wanted to work with kids on another ranch, then he wanted to go into the city to teach languages, then he wanted to teach yoga, then circled back to wanting to go back to working retail as he did in his teen years. It was always people-centric, almost always teaching. That never surprised Trixie, he always had the kind of quiet patience that he never had.
He wondered if he’d found someone else. These musings invariably hurt most of all.
It didn’t make sense that someone could make him feel so seasick when his feet are - and always have been - so firmly on the ground.