Work Text:
"See the way you hold yourself
Reel against
Your body's borders
I know that you hate this place
Not a trace
of me would argue"
Charlie stares back at his reflection in the mirror. He turns his torso in different angles hoping to get a better look but it seems useless.
He was getting...fat.
The harsh lights inside the rented house bathroom were no help and Charlie lifts his sweatshirt up to examine the damage: his love handles were sticking out more, his waist definitely expanded, and his stomach seemed bigger? He already had an inkling when he noticed the triple chin starting to form.
He partly blames his extracurricular activities; rowing and soccer season being right after the other so he’s been eating a little extra to keep up.
The other half, however, has just been his lack of self restraint. The other week was Neil’s birthday and they went out to eat with the other poets and then the day after, he ate a box of chocolates from Knox while studying, and then the day after he ate a cheeseburger after a game and then the day after he ate-
“Hey, they’re waiting for us” Knox says, passing by behind him and Charlie quickly tugs the sweatshirt down, hoping Knox didn’t notice. But he knew his efforts failed when Knox gives him a weird look and chuckles while lifting the toilet seat.
“Too late for that, sweetheart. I’ve seen more than your torso, you know” he comments, making sure to wink at the end before untying his swim shorts and urinating. Charlie gives a small smile but stares back at his reflection.
Suddenly, a wave of fear washes over him as the memories of all the insults and the micro aggressions he’s ever heard or experienced appeared to him once again.
The kids laughing at him for getting stuck at the slide.
His mother slapping his arm when he tried to get another serving of rice.
His dad shaking his head when he once was out of breath from running half a mile.
His first girlfriend, breaking up with him, suggesting how maybe if he lost weight he would find a decent girl.
His first boyfriend giving him a fearful look when he asked if he could “get on top”.
Being bigger came with rules: no revealing outfits, no sitting on laps, no eating too many calories, no riding carnival rides.
All his insecurities were flooding back and he genuinely felt ashamed that after everything he’s done to get better, he’s gone back to square one.
“Charlie?” Knox calls after flushing the toilet, cutting him off of his self-deprication and Charlie looks at him through the mirror. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Yeah” he lies, thinking maybe agreeing going to the beach for Meek’s birthday wasn’t such a good idea. “Um, actually I might just stay in” he says while tidying the sink counter (even though there was no mess), praying Knox doesn’t ask him why. But Knox ultimately does, with his scrunched up, confused face as he washed his hands.
“I dunno, it’s feel like it’s a little too hot today. Wouldn’t want to get too much Vitamin D, now would we?” He says, wiggling his eyebrows, trying to distract Knox from the awkward tension that he placed in the bathroom.
Knox stares at him in confusion before turning off the tap. “What’s going on, Charlie?” he asks straightforwardly, obviously not buying Charlie’s techniques.
And Charlie doesn’t even have the heart to lie about it, knowing one way or another Knox was gonna see through him, which didn’t surprise Charlie because Knox is the only person who knows him, wholeheartedly, inside and out. He glances one more time at his (stupid) reflection before he casts his eyes on the marble counter.
“I just don’t feel good, okay?” he says, with a hint of irritation.
“Why? Are you sick?” Knox asks, getting worried.
“No, I mean...” Charlie starts, hoping to find the right words to say. How do you tell someone who’s always had a great physique and 15% body fat that your body can feel like a curse? “I don’t...feel good with the way I look” he confesses and Knox immediately deflates.
“Charlie...” he stars, hoping to comfort him but Charlie cuts him off.
“My fucking...sides are spilling out, my cheeks are huge, my arms are humongous, and my stomach is a hill at this point! And don’t give me any of that ‘you’re not fat’ crap because case in point-“ he rants before pointing at his top “-this sweatshirt used to be huge on me and now it fits snugly.”
“Charlie, it seems reasonable; you’ve been doing a lot this semester...”
Charlie scoffs. “Obviously, all I’ve been doing is stuff my mouth.” and he winces as he realizes how eerily it sounded like his mother. He stares at Knox’s reflection again in the mirror and was half-expecting to see a look of pity but instead sees understanding; or at least trying to. Knox hears him whisper “fucking disgusting” as Charlie’s self-pity fully digests his entire being.
He doesn’t realize when but one minute he was wallowing in shame, the next minute, he hears a small “c’mere” and Knox hugs him from behind, kissing the other’s neck as loving as possible before resting his chin on Charlie’s shoulder. A moment passes before Knox tells Charlie to look straight ahead, to their reflections staring back at them.
“You see this?” Knox says, poking the other’s belly. “I love this part of you because it’s the best cushion when we lie together.”
Knox then squishes Charlie’s bicep “Your arms? Give the best fucking hugs in all of Vermont.”
“And these?” Knox says, now cupping Charlie’s face and squishing his cheeks “I kiss these every morning and it’s the highlight of my day.”
Knox then drop his hand and grips on Charlie’s side. “And this...”, wiggling his love handle. “I adore these because they give me something to hold on to” he quietly says before giving a wink, effectively making Charlie crack a smile.
“But I know you’re not gonna believe me, and you’ll always still have not-so-good days...” Knox says to themselves in the mirror. “but I want to remind you that no matter how big or how small you get, I will always love you just the same” he adds, making Charlie blush.
“You’re still you. My beautiful, beautiful boy” Knox whispers before dropping another kiss on the other man’s neck and Charlie could barely hold it in any longer. He breaks free from the back hug and kisses Knox on the lips, showing his gratitude for the kind words.
Suddenly, taking his top off at the beach wasn’t so scary anymore.