Chapter Text
It began in the summer, the beginning of noticing the small things until those things were all Alex could think about, until his head was full of these thoughts that felt like honey, but stung like bees all the same.
It was only supposed to be small, last only until Alex found someone else to fawn over as per usual.
Because he could never love him.
Not the way he wanted him to.
The first musing came from post-stream banter, simply an after-thought gone too far, falling too hard too easily. All he did was imagine, seriously entertain an idea, provoking a secondary element to himself that he never knew he had. He remembered the day, wild thoughts that fluttered through his mind as he peddled down a road one warm evening. Of course he'd thought promiscuously about friends, but the heat inflicted over his cheeks that caused him to stop cycling and pause for a moment was something he had not been expecting- and all in all, none of what followed was.
That night he cycled home, going to sleep in denial and confusion, not wanting to confront whatever silly infatuation had arose in his mind. Passing it off as an intrusive thought, he spent no more on it.
Him and George had bantered around, making semi-provocative jokes around one another's appearance or hinting at the possibility of what one may or may not do to each other once they finally met up in real life. Alex had come to the conclusion that it was unlikely he would be able to meet up with George until plans and schedules were more lenient; but as he watched George's bright and happy features dance across his monitor he felt a significant sense of longing- one he wouldn't be able to ignore in the coming days, or anytime soon in fact.
The probability that this event, along with these feelings, were most likely inevitable; but maybe if he hadn't watched him the way he did, watched the way the corners of his eyes creased and way his smile taut when whatever stupid remark Alex made struck a chord in him- then maybe he would never have entertained the idea of anything more.
It was past this point that Alex began gaining awareness of his ever-growing predicament. He knew he felt something, but instead he internalised his guilt as well as the despair of accepting that he may never receive the same feelings made him feel a pain he was not prepared to feel.
But as the days grew on, so did his mind, and with his thoughts came the undeniable butterflies that fell through each and every part of his being when all he could think about was him- and only him.
But whatever he felt, whatever he was still feeling, it would never work.
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"No, don't hurt him Bad." Alex's Minecraft character hopped about in-front of George's for protection,
"Oooh someone's jealous." Bad shifted playfully in response, attempting to edge around Alex in order to strike George with his axe once again,
A hot flush rose up through Alex's neck and subsequently to his face, although he did wonder as to how he had gained such a possessive demeanor over his friend, he felt as though George was someone he needed to protect- although he couldn't quite figure out why.
"Stay away." he growled into the mic, bordering on comic and aggressive as he lowered his tone, baring his netherite axe in his hotbar, ready to crit Bad if he dared to come any closer.
"Woah okAy big Q." Bad hopped playfully away, laughing to Alex almost mockingly as he did. Alex looked over to check what his chat were saying, it had become entirely filled with 'El toxicó' and various other copy pastas that made no comprehensible sense to him.
"I won't touch your man if you don't want me to." Bad provoked, but refrained from anything too daring. George affirmed with a light giggle that he was still comfortable with whatever dangerous bit this was, this reassured Alex that everything was okay, making him slightly more relaxed.
"Guys, i'm a big boy I can handle myself." George hummed as he danced between Bad and Alex, making Alex feel slightly embarrassed by his semi-joking outburst, but he continued anyway.
"Why are you being all possessive Q?" Bad seemed to have sided with George on this one, as though he was trying to put something out of Alex, "Do you have anything to tell us?" and there it was. Alex cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head, he knew exactly what he was hinting at but decided it would probably be wise to remain clueless,
"I've noticed how much you look up to our good friend George here, does someone have a crush?" Alex tried to settle between responding defensively or just playing along, he knew Bad knew him- but obviously not well enough. Bad could not possibly have known; although his heart showed no sign of declining it's rapid pace, he was certain that if his viewers looked close enough they would be able to see it too.
But he played along, in a way he wanted to see how this would play out, maybe ease a few more clues out of George too- if he was successful at least, just to give Alex something to reflect on once the night had ended. Things such as this had become some sort of comfort for Alex, when he re-imagined the scenarios he felt like he didn't need to label anything, he could just enjoy the memories and look forward to making more.
"Dream better watch out, that's all i'm saying." hoping his camera didn't pick up the unforgiving redness that had infiltrated his face, Alex fought down a prideful smile, he couldn't see George since he wasn't streaming but he wished he could; he wanted to see his reaction, he wanted to impress him, he wanted to make him blush the same as himself- and by the way George laughed under his breath made Alex think he had done just that.
George lowered his voice,"Quackity...", it sent a pulse down Alex's nervous system. He was doing this on purpose, but with a simple word George had been able to encourage him on and affect him in such a way that made Alex want to melt into the earth, it was a talent that not many had. "Save it for later." George followed on.
Alex could barely keep his hands still on his keyboard, instead he rested them beside his mouse so it wasn't clear how much he was shaking, the only evidence being his little intermittent switches and lip bites. He was playing along, he was playing along and Alex loved every second, although within coming to terms with whatever Alex was feeling, this in some ways helped- or at least he thought it did. It was made clear he liked it when they flirted, when they teased the border between friends and the step up from that, Alex liked it a lot.
Then the moment passed, and so did many more as the time flew by that night. Alex thanked the stray donations at the end of his stream and expressed his gratitude to everyone that stuck around to watch. After covering up his camera and switching off his setup he leaned back in his chair, all to feel the huge ache of confusion mixed with relief that came with being alone with all of his feelings; it felt good in a way, but he wasn't ready to admit anything just yet.
He went to bed feeling unresolved. There was a word for what this was but coming to terms was something Alex was just not good at, or ready to do. He lay under the soft sheet that was once his duvet, but due to the increase in heat this was a better option to sleep under, but even this didn't help. He lay still, staring straight at the ceiling until he couldn't disregard his emotions any longer.
He had to act on whatever this was, the festering sentiments that had built up since that day made no effort to decline.
He eased himself out of bed and put on clothes appropriate for a late night drive; as soon as he was finished he grabbed his keys and headed out the front door.
As soon as the door of his car shut firmly all he could do was drive.
And drive.
And drive.
Driving eased everything, when you only had the road and the car to concentrate on it made it easier for Alex to organize his thoughts; to figure out what the fuck his mind was making go through. Unknowingly he took his underlying rage out on the velocity of his car, the sound of the acceleration barely louder than whatever was screaming "he doesn't feel the same" inside of him.
Clenching his teeth he made to go around his usual route that he took, the sun had long passed the horizon, leaving only headlights and buildings to illuminate the road, bright oranges and yellows fell over the traffic that surrounded him. He was tempted to roll down the window and hold his hand out against the harsh wind, for a split second questioning why he wanted more to feel when he couldn't even handle what he was feeling now.
He had come out here subconsciously to force out his own acceptance, but to do that he had to put things into order. He listed what he knew: he knew that he cared about George, he knew that George cared about him- this was a good start. In some ways Alex had an adoration for George, he had identified it was a unique one; settling with that idea, yes, definite adoration.
"I adore George." He felt himself saying, shocked by the clarity, shocked by the way his heart raced.
Pushing on, he thought about what made Alex adore him; it was the- kindness? Yeah, and the smile, oh god of course it was the smile. Tears pricked at his eyes thinking about him, he was so pretty when he laughed, and he wanted more than anything to be the reason for it.
And he was funny, usually when they had more liberty off-stream and away from scornful eyes, that's when Alex saw George's true character, and in a way George saw him too. He cared a lot George, on a level further than sentiment; as this reality materialized in his mind so did his consolation, it was cool and offered a comfort Alex hadn't felt in a while.
He liked him.
Yeah, he did.
Making the final turn towards the road that lead back to his house he felt relieved in a way, a satisfaction that he only felt in few occasions- the purpose for the drive had been fulfilled, and that purpose was to conclude.
"I like him, I like him, I like him," Alex chanted, "I like him a lot." he finished, a wave of acceptance that was so rare, so unique fell over his entirety. Parking his car and sitting back, the tear that had surfaced before allowed itself to run softly down the side of his face, he finally knew how he felt.
And the conclusion of his thoughts all fell back to the word he had been looking for this entire time; the word had never been 'care' or 'adoration', the word was love, it had been that simple.
"Love..." he muttered as he picked up his phone, he scrolled with purpose to the contact he had wanted to call for so long. To talk would be enough.
George.