Chapter Text
Truth was, he had no confidence.
Talent lacked in the areas that mattered to him most, a cold shell he had become, and a cold shell he thought he would remain.
Not until he met the man that made him smile on days where he felt nothing, until in this man he found home, and in the home was warmth.
This safety had been brought with many evenings in days well spent, George was never one with words, but quality time was rather more how he liked to express his affection.
And the majority of this time went to Alex, the man he had been pining over for what felt like decades.
He never thought he could find someone so contagious with escence and life that every moment he spent with him he thought he would burst.
But this wasn’t the beginning, so instead we’ll start from there.
Winter had always been brutal, made worse with the impact of family issues and conflict that would remain unresolved, wounds pried open with salt by his ever wandering mind, hard hours spent switching off anything that made him feel, late nights and suffocating silence.
To begin with he was neutral, he showed his friends only the thin exterior of his personality, mainly level and calm. There was no potential threat with neutrality, instead what he gave bounced back, and he was content with that.
When he first met Alex he failed to find much to like, the naivety only reminded him of a painful past self that he did not wish to revisit.
Therefore, he limited his contact, and again remained his acquaintance.
Being around him, he had to admit, hurt a bit. He struggled to see why the other found happiness in such insignificance, or more so finding pleasure in pleasing others.
Alex was the type of man to give up his entire being for others' brief happiness, and George simply couldn’t understand why.
This, mainly, was what triggered him, Alex reminded him of a vulnerability he once had as a younger man, he too sacrificed time and effort for those he thought would stay, but never did.
What he feared was the inevitable happening to Alex.
The inevitable being years of regret and shame from lacking standards and self worth.
It was like watching a bomb.
But then this ‘inevitable’ never seemed to come, seemingly because the people he surrounded himself with were those that gave what they got; a mutual standpoint, which was nice to see.
But the fear never left, for Alex leaving or for his own security.
Instead it rested in the back of his mind, observant and mindful, feeding enough of itself to fuel self sabotage and hate.
No, not hate, hate was the wrong word. He could never hate anyone that was so kind, jealousy maybe, but not hatred.
He watched as he always did, like how one would watch fire. He could describe the man he saw as embers that danced, he enjoyed observing him but never dared to come near in fear of being burnt.
Eventually, coming close enough to feel some of the warmth he radiated from his fireplace, and like a weary traveler looking for solace, he had finally found a place to rest, so he did.
Since they were scarce, friends had someone become possessions, he found solace in the idea that he controlled them to some degree without actively coming across as possessive.
For instance, he likes to know their whereabouts, what they did, to evaluate how long until they lost interest and moved on- a technique for survival.
This nature resurfaced again when he noticed the behavior of his two friends, it seemed that they had drawn closer in the last couple of days, however, this had slid under his radar- which had been obstructed by Alex.
Around February? Maybe? He had begun hanging around Alex a lot more. For some reason he had been determined not to let anyone else into his life and stick with the familiarity of the obvious Dream, Sapnap, Bad etc.
But he remembered vividly, a specific turning point that made him reconsider his ethics with Alex, something he had said that broke the ice that encased him.
It was petty but it warmed him all the same, he couldn’t help but soften. One line said to him one evening when both were tired and sensitive, speaking into crackly audio and cheap second hand headphones.
“I’m so glad our paths have crossed in this lifetime.”
George told himself that he probably would’ve said that to anyone, that he gave things like this out quite freely with no regard for consequences.
But nothing had been said to him like this before, not that he could remember anyway, so it stuck and bloomed in the back of his mind, right next to the fear.
It was that Alex had given him a chance, George knew that what he saw in Alex was not all he was, it was what he could become that drove him to let him in.
This was the first vulnerability that he hadn’t regretted in a long time.
And so, he finally acted on it this time, he thought, ‘I might as well?’ At first he anticipated Alex’s reaction to a potential meet-up, he thought maybe Alex would only accept out of pity or avoid all contact and indirectly reject him when given the opportunity.
But his offer was instead received with endless enthusiasm and an over usage of exclamation marks, so he must’ve done something right.
They met, and it was then that he properly got to know him, though they had done well, there was only so much discord calls and dms could do.
And he was so glad, for once in his life he felt an overwhelming safety in a person, he thought he had known ‘safe’ with his friends but this was so much better.
This was warm, this was mutual.
And what happened after he could never have planned, or expected, since he had no idea what love felt like, not until he met Alex, and not until Alex had shown him.
He had never been platonically intimate with anyone in his life until this man, his affection was a whole new level that George never knew even existed until he had seen this.
But he liked it a lot, he tried to hide it and put up his barred exterior as he always did but he had to admit, it was nice.
George had always been a person to judge someone based on their actions, and Alex was incredibly physical so it was mildly easy to gauge what he was dealing with.
But there was always a catch, something that pulled him away from any meaningful connection and rooted him to where was comfortable.
He blames his mind for what he felt, he didn’t mean to fall in love with his friend but then again, do we really mean to fall in love with anything?
He tried, he really did, to mask the thoughts with ‘you’re just lonely’ or ‘he doesn’t feel the same’ but all in all it was evident. Alex’s love language was touch, so those hugs and idle brushes of skin on skin must’ve meant something- in George’s mind at least.
But it was one evening, always the damn evening, that he remembers so clearly that tied everything together, and melted the last layer of ice that, for the longest time, no one could reach- until he did.
-
The two sat on flimsy chairs on a brittle patio in Alex’s backyard, two cold glasses sat on the table beside them condensating on the sides and dripping down onto the stone below.
The temperature was mild but George still felt lethargic, not wanting to move too much from his comfortable position he sighed and stretched where he sat, feeling Alex’s eyes flick over to watch him as he did.
“You getting tired?” Alex asked, bringing his glass to his lips and taking a sip,
“Mm kinda.” George finished stretching and placed his hands behind his head, by this time he had gotten used to the way Alex watched him the whole damn time. He used to find it irritating but now, in a weird way, he wanted him to do it more often.
Their energy had subsided to a more mellow, calm level, but that didn’t stop Alex, for no damn reason whatsoever, from getting up and laying down in the middle of his lawn.
With no warning or context this was just plain confusing, but George just observed, by now he was starting to understand and become familiar with Alex's sporadic nature; in the way that he would just come up behind him and hug him or place his head on his shoulder for no reason other than wanting to be close.
Though George made sure to make it so that these actions were not only tolerated, but encouraged, he wanted him to feel comfortable and let him know that within George was no judgement, which is why he got up from his own seat to sit beside Alex where he lay in the soft bed of green.
He watched as Alex’s chest rose and fell, it looked as though he had melted into the grass and was becoming one with the earth, maybe he had done this before.
To George his ideology was just appreciating moments as they came, he didn’t have to feel guilty for liking the way his friend looked in the dewy grass under the low sun, he didn’t have to feel guilty for wanting to brush the hair out of Alex’s face so he could see his eyes either.
As though he read his mind Alex raised his hand to card his fingers through his hair, but slowly, raising his fringe out the way so his eyes were in full view, the deep brown made into a lighter hazel against the orange of the sun, George wondered how many other people had seen him like this.
George spoke softly, not wanting to disturb the energy drifting between them,
“Can I ask why you’re lying in the middle of your lawn?”
Alex shrugged and turned to idly pick at a blade of grass,
“I felt like it,” George took this answer, this was probably the most coherent thing he’d hear as an explanation, “the sky is nice.”
“Yeah,” George let out a small laugh, because it was, and he was glad he noticed.
But he didn’t need to look up to see the sky, he saw enough in Alex’s eyes to know what he was seeing too.
If only he knew how to voice what he felt, he could only hope that Alex knew how much he cared for him.
George gave in to his fatigue and decided to lie down next to him, arms barely inches away, but Alex shuffled closer until his right arm touched George’s left anyway, he knew the empty space wouldn’t last long, it never did.
Alex raised the arm that was touching George to reveal bits of grass rolled together by the ends of his fingers, slowly the grass would fall until Alex reached down again to pluck up more.
“Don’t you think it’s cool that there are enough hours in a day for a human to stay awake.” Alex didn’t turn to George when he spoke, instead he faced towards the glowing abyss above, as though something out there was listening.
When George didn’t respond he added, “like- if there were 40 hours in a day, we would have to sleep after 12 hours of being awake, even though it would still be light out,” Alex’s hand tensed and untensed against George’s as he constructed his own thought, “and then we would wake up at night- but that’s cool right? 24 hours is just perfect.”
“Mhm.” George found that he never grew tired of the random things Alex found interesting, in a way it was a glimpse into the intricate functions that happened inside of his beautiful mind.
“But I think we adapted this way, even if the day was 40 hours long humans would still find a way to live.”
“Huh, yeah, that too.”
Everything there was mutual, George had found a way to counteract Alex’s statement but not in a way that challenged him, but to provoke thought more than anything. He wanted to watch him think, it was nice.
Doing this made a lot of sense, if you ignored the part where they were lying in the middle of the lawn and just saw two dudes vibrating on the same wavelength, you would understand too.
He hated to admit that he felt his heart speed up every time Alex’s hand came down to brush his briefly in its journey for more grass, and every time he did George made sure to move his hand closer and closer, to feel the adrenaline slowly rise, to entertain the idea of something much much more than just this.
Until instead of reaching the grass, Alex’s palm fell against George’s instead; it took every nerve in his body for him not to flinch away from nerves or anxiousness, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm himself.
But Alex made no effort to move away, he stayed where he was, right hand draped gently over George’s, and if he wasn’t moving away then George wasn’t either.
He sensed no change in Alex’s demeanor, maybe things such as this were normal to him, they had done things more intimate than this on stream in front of an audience so how was this any different.
But of course it was different, George couldn’t deny that.
George was never one for words, but he let his actions show through instead; he shifted, to let Alex know he was still present, he probably didn’t need to but in a way he wanted to provoke at least some reaction.
And he did, Alex’s fingers moved to brush George’s, press them together, not quite interlocking but with the same sort of purpose.
George felt as though he didn’t talk about Alex’s hands enough, when carrying out a task he always handled things with grace and subtlety, nothing was half-arsed or limp, he always held things with a strength George had never seemed to find in himself.
When they held hands Alex had made it so that their palms pressed together, his hands were neither hot nor cold but just a mild lukewarm temperature that- okay, shit, they were holding hands now, right.
Through his own daydreaming George had managed to completely disregard the fact that Alex’s hand was now wrapped around his own among the grass and earth they lay against; thinking about the very thing he wanted had led this to be granted, in what world could this ever have happened.
But then there they were, covered in orange and looking towards the sky, the same sky that looked upon everyone in the world; George drifted back down to Earth when receiving a glance and a short squeeze from Alex.
“You have grass on your cheek.” Alex said with a smile,
“Yeah probably because you dropped it there.” George made to wipe whatever Alex had pointed out on his face but his efforts were outmatched by Alex’s steady hand beating him to it and wiping gently at the skin on the side of his face.
“There, gone,” Alex turned back to his original position, “Sorry for dropping grass on you.”
“It’s okay.” Still only just recovering from the shock from before, George now had to adjust to the new sensation that Alex had trailed along his cheek, heightened by the blood rushing to his face that he prayed Alex wouldn’t notice.
But he never did, Alex let go of his hand and got up to leave just as fast as everything else, leaving him stranded there in the middle of the green sea just wondering.
He wondered why he cared when caring was this hard.
Feeling dumb as he shook the strand of grass, now dead, from himself, he followed Alex back inside, taking his glass as he went, using every ounce of strength he had to not let Alex sense his disappointment.
Alex had just held his hand like it meant nothing, because really, it didn’t.
-
He should’ve been happier for his friends when he heard that Dream and Sapnap were meeting up, once again, he should’ve been a lot happier, but the fear held him from expressing anything positive towards that eventual meet-up for no reason other than a fear of missing out.
His fear told him that they schemed against him, George, Sapnap and Dream had been planning to get together for months, and now they had planned to meet up without him?
He’d found out from Bad mentioning it in passing, filled with irritation he left the vc to locate the others in question.
Impulsively he messaged the two of them, pulling Dream and Sapnap both into a discord group chat with an unnecessarily heated message.
The two joined the call at around the same time, George half expected them to ignore his anger or avoid conflict, but they accepted anyway.
“So Dream, Sapnap, when were you going to tell me.” It was too much, he knew it was, he didn’t need to be this aggressive but he wanted answers, fear told him he felt betrayed.
“I didn’t think we needed permission to see each other.” Dream snapped back, it grounded George, his friends really did not need permission, he was hit with a pang of guilt, he decided to approach with another less abrasive question.
“So, you’re going to go see each other,” maybe being declarative might work, the sentence that followed was partly involuntary and fueled by jealousy, but Dream’s headphones were too good not to pick it up.
“George you don’t even live near us,” he had a point, but it was their intent, it was the fact that they hadn’t even discussed it with him, they were the dream team for fucks sake.
It turned out Sapnap and Dream had been meaning to tell them news, and since now was a time when they were all available, Alex joined the call too.
George couldn’t tell whether or not he loved or he envied the way Alex lit up every vc he entered, maybe it was the way he carried his voice, but whatever he did it worked.
But Alex was a fire he couldn’t touch.
Then came the news, and as he said before, he should’ve been happier.
He wasn’t too sure how to react since he had been caught up in his own overthinking, with no fear it left him empty, nothing much else to fill the shell except guilt and lingering shame.
He didn’t know what Dream had meant by ‘in love’ to begin with either.
Maybe in the fight to feel love he had forgotten what the word even meant.
He had forgotten what it meant to love.
And that really fucking hurt.
All he could say was an admissive ‘okay’ nerves pushing out a surprised and, in a way, relieved laugh, but he thought maybe they had appreciated at least some reaction.
George inquired as to how long they had been dating while Alex suffocated the atmosphere once again with all-too-cute ‘awws’ and kind words, probably filling in for the fact that George couldn’t.
“George, can you ask me out please?” When Alex’s sentence registered it hit an all too sensitive part in him that he wasn’t certain he could articulate just yet, he knew Alex was just joking and fake-jealous by their friends affinity for one another but George decided to brush the remark off with his defensive attitude once again.
The couple used their taken status to taunt the two singles until they left to do their own thing, leaving Alex and George still in the scuffed vc he made mere minutes before.
“So are you gonna ask me out or not?” Alex’s voice bordered on the line between a joke and serious, feeling agitated George snapped back,
“No, what?” he could’ve, right then and there, told Alex the things he had picked up from him, talked to him about the moments where he wanted to do nothing but delve into every aspect of his person, figure out who he really was under the embers he danced with, “why would you ask that.”
This was the scene in the grass all over again, Alex would bait him to intimacy and then leave him, only for George to rethink every action that led him there until his entire being ached.
“I’m really happy for them,” and there it was, Alex had got up from the grass and left.
“Yeah me too.” And George had followed.
-
George washed out the residual juice as he idly swished water around his glass, getting carried away in the cathartic movement of filling and pouring; he didn’t notice Alex approach from behind.
Alex’s hands had found George’s waist, as arms followed suit, wrapping himself around George’s back as he worked at the sink.
This would have been usual if he’dve been around others but their solitude made it different, they were the only ones in the house, it was a level of intimacy George hadn’t realised he’d been missing until then.
It was nice all the same, as this was as much his mind was willing to admit, mentally this was strange, but his body wanted more.
He’d finished washing the glasses ages ago, probably because his idea of washing was just rinsing and leaving it to dry until actual soap was required, he didn’t really know where to go from there.
So he let Alex stay, linger slightly in his shell, let him fill what he could.
His fingers grazed Alex’s, he wasn’t certain when he was supposed to turn around, or if he could, or if he should?
His fear told him that any false action would lead to a dire consequence.
But his fear often lied.
Because he knew that Alex wanted him, in no particular way, just wanted.
So he turned, and there he was, standing before him like he had expected. He wasn’t planning on going anywhere.
George hoped Alex knew how pretty he was under the moon as it shone through the windows, even in low light his eyes were still the brightest thing in the room.
And if he didn’t know then he would tell him, if he asked, over and over every day until he believed him, until he saw his own beauty for himself.
How was it that this simple man had enabled him to feel so much, but then again, it was easy to burn things, and this man was fire.
But burning ice is hard, George didn’t burn like all Alex’s other toys, instead he melted.
Melting into where he stood before him, letting his arms wrap and form solid around his small frame.
Not quite sure where to go from there, he waited until Alex made the next move,
“Thank you.” Alex’s voice was muffled by George’s shirt rendering him only just audible,
“Huh? Why?”
“I’m happy our paths crossed.”
“You’ve said that before.” George felt Alex smile against him, of course he had remembered,
Alex pulled away, “I’m just so glad we’re friends.” George hates to admit the amount of disappointment that struck him then, to be called a friend was nice but just didn’t sit right; it was almost quite belittling in the grand scheme of things, but then again Alex most likely had no idea how George truly felt- he couldn’t really blame him.
George admired the way Alex continued to be loving even through George’s abrasive behavior, it was reaffirming and nice.
But George was complacent, “me too.” he believed he had no confidence. Even in the moment where Alex initiated first contact, sung his praises and happily gave away his time to spend with George, doubt would still linger whether he liked it or not.
Then the night was over, and so were the days, well spent nonetheless- but still over.
Once again he was secluded to his own lies, but it was up to him to believe them.
And this time, he didn’t think he would.
present day -
He’d met up with Alex months ago, but nothing he did could shake the thoughts of him from his mind. Isolation never worked, it only ever made him think more.
He’d been too harsh on him, and in fact all of his friends. He wondered why he worried about any sort of reaction he’d receive from Alex if he ever came out to him about his affinity, if his friends had been so brave and got together then why couldn’t he?
He lay in bed and pondered the possibilities, weighing out options and hating himself for having no faith. He messaged Dream, if anyone could help it was him.
He pushed through his initial embarrassment at inquiring how Dream had managed to initiate a relationship together, and focused on securing an answer.
Dream had come back to him hastily, telling him he was straightforward with Sapnap, it helped having luck on his side. He used a classic ‘life’s short.’ to follow up, how cliche.
‘I’m fucking scared tho’ he quipped, George wasn’t good with these sorts of things, he was less frightened of Alex’s reaction and more so of the days that would follow- with whichever outcome.
Time had always been his enemy.
‘…it’s worth it’ George knew his friend’s intentions were genuine, but this didn’t divert him from the fact that this was probably a bigger deal than Dream was making it out to be; still, he appreciated his time nonetheless.
George thanked him and moved on with his day, not thinking of much in particular, considering streaming Minecraft on his alt or whatever he felt like. Anything would suffice in diverting his attention away from the dark haired firework that seemed to be haunting him now, with his beauty and his light.
He turned to sitting at his kitchen table, it was quiet when he was the only one in the house. Yeah no way he thought to himself, it was funny the way everything was loud even inside an empty room.
He quenched his morning thirst with a glass of tap water, filling it up haphazardly, not caring if he let the water run over his hands as he held the glass under the faucet. It felt good to feel something other than longing.
He hoped Alex knew how much he cared.
Heart hurting he pulled out his phone once more to search for the number he knew all too well, raising the dark screen to his ear and waiting with a thudding chest.
He wouldn’t tell him now, obviously, unlike Dream and Sapnap, a meet-up between George and Alex would be significantly more difficult, however, if he really wanted to do this, he would talk to him face to face, which would probably be one of the hardest things to endure, there was no doubt about that.
But why do something if it hurts.
The odds that Alex felt the same were seemingly better than he made out to believe, but that may have just been his hopeless optimism that got him through most events of heinous turmoil. His thoughts had been so loud he hadn’t even heard Alex answer the phone.
“Oh, sorry, I was miles away.” George corrected his posture and wiped the residual water from his mouth.
“What were you thinking of?” This was Alex’s way of saying ‘that’s okay’ he figured, but in all honesty he’d made the question hard to answer, Alex was the very thing he’d been thinking of.
“Um, I was wondering if you wanted to meet again,” George took Alex’s silence as him thinking, “I liked the last time we met, that was fun.” Surprised by his honesty George cringed slightly at what he’d let slip past his lips; though it was true, it had been fun.
“Can I come next month?”
George wasn’t sure if it was Alex’s enthusiasm or that fact that he would come to him, last time it was agreed George would be travelling the distance, not Alex. But maybe he had underestimated Alex’s eagerness, just as fear always made him do.
“Uh, yeah yeah that works for me.”
“Good.”
The interaction was overall short and sweet, George exchanged his address through Alex’s giggles of excitement. He really had underestimated his enthusiasm.
And maybe he had failed to see his own too, he hadn’t expected to be as excited as he did when he finally shut his phone off and reviewed the events that had just occurred.
He leaned on the side of his table, just thinking about the certainty of everything he would do.
And for the first time in a very long while, George breathed.
He would tell him, even if it took everything from him, he would tell Alex he loved him.