Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Her shelf was her safety. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was everything she ever expected. It was lonely, but it wasn’t something that would surprise her. It was the place she belonged, to wait on her empty shelf for someone to take notice of her. To pluck her off and use her up. And when they had what they wanted it was her shelf she returned too. 

It’s how it was, and it was how it would always be.

Why would Stella Ryder ever expect differently?

But andromeda was proving to be more than what anyone expected. Golden worlds gone wrong, arks missing, and The Pathfinder dead. It was a whirlwind and Stella did whatever she could to keep her balance. 

With her brother being pathfinder,her father dead, and no place to call home, Stella felt more lost than she had ever before. She struggled to connect with the crew, or find a place among the Tempest. 

That was until Jaal joined. 

Jaal was warm and kind. He was sweet and rather poetic. He was both a living mystery and history with big beautiful eyes and a kinder spirit. So it wasn’t a surprise she ended up tripping and falling in love with him. That she found herself blooming with real warmth underneath his radiant sun. 

She felt lighter, freer around him and his beguiling eyes and alluring voice. He drew her in like a gravity well and she didn’t think twice about it. She was so blinded by the rush of feelings she never noticed that his eyes were looking elsewhere. 

But it wasn’t a surprise really. That she couldn’t keep him. 

Someone like Jaal didn’t belong on the shelf like she did. He was made for the spotlight. 

So really it wasn't a surprise that he was falling in love with the alluring asari that shared similar interests to him. Peebee was smart, outgoing, and beautiful. So Stella could see it lightyears away when she heard them teasing one another, when he spoke of looking back at her. 

Every race loved the asari, so why didn’t angara as well. 

So Stella quietly loved him in her silent way she watched them tumble into a romance. 

It was for the best after all. 

She was just a pretty doll on the shelf. Only to be plucked off it for her uses and put back to be forgotten once she was used up. 

Thats how it’s always been. 

So she smiled as Peebee teased him about his thick thighs. She chortled when they spoke of trying to see if they could have kids together. She encouraged Peebee when she was drunk and fretting over Jaal’s charming comments. 

All the while she watched from her shelf. 

Stella hummed softly as she cut the thread and lifted it. Looking over her handy work smiling at its completion. Sure she may have made the dorkist sweater ever to behold, but it would look nice against the pinks of his skin. After all it wasn't easy to come across angara sweaters and it seemed that if you couldn’t find what you were looking for you had to make it. 

Slowly folding the clothing into a neat square, Stella started to rummage around for the box to put it in. 

Often she felt displaced among the Tempest crew. Being as her brother inherited the title of Pathfinder. Before it was them against all else. Now it was just Stella stumbling to keep up with her brothers blazing trails, becoming swallowed in his shadow as they once had been with their fathers. 

Her brother, Scott, had a good heart, but tended to let things fall through the cracks. That’s where she came in handy. When he overlooked the minor details but saw the bigger picture she was there to ensure that the details weren’t lost. 

It could be why she clicked with Jaal in the first place. As he too had been displaced among the crew. But that didn’t last long as he was charismatic and drew everyone in like a magnet. It was a matter of time before she was once more left behind. 

Humming softly, She folds the sweater into the box with a soft smile. It had been her hope that he would take notice of her then, but she knew now that there was none. Like always she was passed over for someone who was smarter, wittier, and far prettier than her. 

The pain in her chest is what she expects, a bit of heart break, a bit of melancholy, but it’s so usual that she can force it deep down and cover it with a cheery smile that no one was wiser of it. 

“Tada!” She crooned, tying off the bow and staring at the white and blue gift.

The walk from her little nook to Jaal’s space is short and she can already tell he’s down in the kitchen from the booming laughter coming from the space. She smiles softly stepping into the tech lab. 

There were pieces of him strun about. Dismantled parts of whatever project he was getting into. 

She tried to pick up the hobby, hoping that if she had something to talk to him about maybe she would have a better shot. But she was no remtech specialist who could look at some technology and know what the components were. 

She found she worked better with plants and biology. And Jaal wasn’t remotely interested in either. As all their conversations about those were stilted at best and worse she made a complete fool of herself. 

When she took another look at the items she could see some of Peebee’s tools laying about here. Perfectly blending into the seams of the puzzle that Stella almost overlooked. 

Her lips curled into an amused self deprecating smile. Yes, she suppose this was for the best. 

Taking the small package she placed it amongst his other items. She was happy to see that the other gifts were getting put to good use. She made a mental note to order more of the Thessia rose scented bottles, he seemed to have a fondness for the floral scents over the more sweeter smells. 

Taking care not to disturb anything she quickly left before she was noticed and headed down to see her brother making mental list of items she and Vetra would need to restock on. Grease rags for Gil, tea for Suvi, new tools for both Peebee and Jaal, chocolates for the human crew as Liam seemed to be a bit down lately. She had a feeling he was home sick. 

Though her mental list halted as she heard the sultry sounds of Peebee’s voice coming from the kitchen. 

Her head tilted to the side, out of the corner she could see Jaal and Peebee in the kitchen close together. If not for the crushing weight of agony she would have acknowledged that they looked together. They fit well together. She softly chuckles and steps into her brothers room. 

“Stella! Just the girl I need to see.” Scott jumped up from the couch slinging an arm over her shoulders. “I want to do something special for Verta, think you could get me some of that turian wine?”

“I can try.” She would hit up Kadara port, they tended to have a lot of items, mostly on the black market. Far more expensive, but well worth the happy faces. 

“Cool and hey, think you can help with my reports? The one about the settling on Kadara is-”

“Already done, it’s in your email.” She cocked her head to the side, chuckling when he pinched her cheek.

“You’re the best sis.” He beamed.

This was how it always went between them. Scott was always a little scattered brain, but Stella was there to pick up the pieces. Though he was shaping up now that he and Vetra were becoming a thing.

It was good to see  the smile on her brothers face that hadn’t been there months ago. They are hardly not attached at the hip nowadays. It made Stella happy that he found his person. Even if it made her a little lonely, he deserved to have someone by his side like Vetra. She was good to him, good for him. She inspired him to be better and it was something magical watching the two of them drift together as if they couldn’t bear to be apart. 

She had a feeling that Scott was now moving on and it was unfortunate that she was going to be back on her shelf. It was bittersweet really. That her usefulness to her brother was drying up as he finally bloomed. But she didn’t hold an ounce of grudge towards him, she was only going to be where he left her, and silently support him the best she could. 

After handling some of his emails, organizing the priority at the top and forwarding the ones that needed a response to herself, since she knows that Scott probably wouldn’t if he hadn’t done it yet. After that Stella headed back up towards the Bio Lab. 

She stopped at the supplier console to put in orders for the crew when she noticed Jaal. 

She watches as he uncovers the gift. His face is so open, expressions free. He looks both delighted and puzzled at the box. There are soft huffing sounds he makes while trying to unwrap it without breaking the flimsy bow. Stella nearly laughs at his delicate fumbling attempts. She wanted to offer help but was enjoying watching him puzzle out how to achieve his goal. Always the inquisitive type, he tinkered and thought, working out problems and finding solutions. It’s something she admired about him. 

She hears his happy exclamation as he peels open the box and sees what is nestled inside. He picks it up as if it is something precious and utterly fragil. That look on his face, the happy and awed expression, was more than enough thanks to Stella. 

There’s a smile stretched across her lips, one that she can’t contain while watching him inspect it for a good moment, rubbing his fingers along the pink fluffy polkadots she sewed into it. Testing the stretch of the collar and rubbing the fabric between his fingers. He’s making soft approving grunts under his breath before gently setting it down and turning. 

Sucking in her breath she quickly looks away to the screen and holds her breath when he comes her way. 

Heart thumping loudly she nibbles her lip, there's an excited bubble in her throat. Even her biotics are buzzing with anticipation. Taking a deep breath, Stella glances up, smiling at him.

Jaal returns her smile, nodding a greeting towards her-

Then walks right past her. 

She stares at the empty tech lab, at the sweater laying there before closing her eyes. 

“Peebee!” He booms behind her, entering the cargo bay. Theres an invisible fist punching her gut when she turns watching Peebee looking up from her datapad; they nearly collide together.

 “Thank you.” He huffs out a laugh dragging the asari into his chest. 

She watches even as the doors begin to close. There's a blush on Peebee’s face, her eyes soften and she tilts her head back, patting his arm. 

“You are welcome-” 

Stella stares at the closed door a moment longer before huffing out a laugh. This was how life seemed to go for her, and that was fine. Jaal never knew that any of her gifts were from her. The perfume, the angara fruit and cuisine, the quilt made special from harval, and so many more. She never said anything, and he went on never knowing. 

And that’s okay , She thinks, disappearing into the bio lab, where her cot was pushed into the far wall. She was a wallflower. Prettiest when looked at from a distance, and best left where she was. Afterall what if she got a taste of more? It would only hurt worse when she was left behind again.

Plucking at the woolies on her sweater she sat down at the counter. Scrubbing at her burning eyes, a hiccup bubbled out from her throat. “It’s okay.” She murmured. “It’s okay.” 

But the tears come all the same. 

Curling forward she covered her face and sobbed.

It gets hard seeing him in the sweater. He’s far more dashing in it than she thought. The soft yellow and warm pink polkadots bring out the rosy hues of his beaming face. The blue of his eyes seems to pop brighter than ever before.

It's even Harder when everyone else sees him in it. They all ooh and awe over it. When asked where he got it he would proudly proclaim “Someone special.” 

Stella did her job of course, smiling softly, she whispered a compliment to him, though she faded away from his eyes as Peebee entered and let out a wolf whistle. 

“Looking good hotstuff.” She smirked, sliding up to stroke his arm. “Where’d you get that?” 

Jaal barked out a laugh. “You are full of suprises!”

Stella quietly dismissed herself with a smile. 

Back to her shelf she went. 

The final nail in her proverbial coffin of feelings is when she overhears Peebee’s soft chatter from the shower. Her stomach drops at the conversation topic. She knows instantly of what Peebee is insinuating between her words.  

The shampoo bottle nearly slips from her fingers when Peebee purrs out facts about angara biology. From experience.

“Two,” Peebee has a grin in her voice as she speaks to whomever it is. “Two, and boy does he know how to use them.” She lets out a happy sigh as Suvi softly giggles.  “I mean, that mouth-”

Stella plugs her ears pressing her face to the wall under the shower head, letting the water run over her until it is cold. And even then she stays shivering beneath the spray until SAM urges her out. 

She feels more of a ghost now dragging her night clothes over her wet skin. Not bothering to properly dry, or even attempt to warm herself as she shivers from the freezing cold. Not that it mattered really, she was always cold now. 

And hollow .

Quivering, she makes the trip to her spot only to stop short with her way blocked. Jaal stood at the end of the catwalk. Likely heading to see Peebee.

“Stella!” He beams at her, pausing to see her shaking. “Are you alright?”

“F-fine.” She can’t meet his eye while trying to slip around him without touching him. “Cold sh-shower.” Her teeth chatter and she is trying to simply go hide beneath her covers but Jaal seems to follow. 

“Is the shower broken?” His voice is soft, puzzling through the problem at hand. “Me and Peebee were just showering earlier-”

Stella quickly covers her head with her towel, to keep him from seeing the pure agony that crosses her face. That invisible fist is hitting her hard, twisting up her insides. “N-no. Just...stayed too long in the shower.” She sidesteps the hand that is outstretched. “I’ll be fine.” 

She’s never denied Jaal his touch before, knowing that angara became starved for it a lot faster than humans. She was more than happy to soak up his warmth and brief, glancing touches before-

But he was getting plenty from Peebee . 

And if she were honest if he touched her she would be sick. She already was sick. The showers-together. Stella shudders at the thought that she had been standing where they have been. She nearly gags. 

“I’m tired.” She squeaks out far higher than she means, pulling the towel closer to her face and inching backwards. “G’night.” The door closes between them and she stares at it, lip wobbling. 

She thinks that maybe she’d been yearning more than she realized. Building dreams that she had no business building. Her shelf is colder and lonely now. 

She avoids him, unable to look at either Peebee or Jaal. For days, for weeks, she tries to leave whenever either is in the room. Feigning work when either join a mission, or begging Scott to take her when they aren’t. The crew are taking notice, and she realizes that she’s got to put back her painted smile before they all become upset with her. 

So she greets them both one morning with a cheery voice and perfectly painted smile. She pats Jaal’s elbow in passing and praises herself for not crumbling when he looks happy to see her. Her face hurts from the grin, it hurts so much she almost wants to claw it off. But she can’t even when Peebee pulls her aside to tell her in her excited voice what she and Jaal are up to. She can’t stop smiling when she agrees to help Peebee get more remtech next mission, she can’t stop smiling when Jaal brushes a hand along Peebee’s back shooting the asari a soft and warm look. 

She can’t stop smiling when she crumbles by her cot and her eyes are weeping but her smile is firmly in place . 

They are on Havarl, Jaal had wanted them to meet his family. She wanted to pretend to be sick, but that would be more trouble than one evening of awkwardness. 

As she stands swarmed by his family, feeling out of place, she wishes she had feigned sickness. Anything would be better than watching Peebee be the crowned jewel in the Ama Darav home. Everyone wanted to get to know the asari. 

And if not Peebee than their new beloved Pathfinder and his every charming turian partner, or Liam, Jaals best friend. Drack the century old Krogan. Or Cora the badass biotic. 

And there was Stella, on the outer edge of the crowd. Watching them all mix, she tries to engage but there are far more exciting members than she and she’s quickly forgotten. And when she sees Jaal scanning the crowd looking pleased until he sees her, alone in the corner she quickly finds a place to escape. 

She didn’t want him to worry. 

So finds herself in the kitchen, nearly throwing herself into helping. The Mothers are delighted and Stella is at peace. She laughs at the right time, nods when listening, answers when asked, and simply obeys when they teach her how to fold the dough like food to be filled with spiced fruits and baked. 

And when the food is done she’s beckoned to join the crowd once more. But Stella makes her excuse, just a drink of water first, she waves the others forward. 

And she’s forgotten again in the kitchen, where she stands, cup in hand staring at the tile.

Which is how Jaal’s true mother finds her.

Sahuna is a soothing balm against the burn of this gathering.She seems to understand Stella’s reluctants to go back and decides to keep her company despite her protest. They end up sitting and talking about the crew, Stella has something positive to say about everyone else. But when Sahuna asks about her she simply shrugs. 

“I help.” Is all she can offer. That’s all she is. A helper. She’s no pathfinder, activating vaults and saving planets. She’s no powerful biotic with a force to be reckoned with,  She’s no suave turian who can get nearly anything you requested. Or an asari who was enchanting as she was intelligent. Or a witty peacekeeper who always knew how to lift everyone's spirits. Everyone of the pathfinder team was special, talented, and skilled. But not Stella. 

Sahuan’s lips pursed at this but she doesn’t delve too much deeper into it. Only to change topics and discuss her favorite son. Stella’s more than happy to provide her with the information she didn’t include in her emails to Sahuna. 

“Oh.” Sahuna pauses then brow ridge lowering. “I thought your brother was the one I was messaging.” 

It could be a simple confusion, Stella understood, they both signed their emails with S. Ryder, and to be far Sahuna and the other mothers were attempting to reach Scott, but he was rather deplorable about replying to anyone, so Stella took the job upon herself. 

Smiling, she shrugs at Sahuna’s words and sips her drink. “I think you would prefer to speak with me. Scott can take six hundred years to reply to anyone.” They both chuckle over the joke and Sahuan tells her how much she appreciates keeping updated on her son. She likes to know that he’s happy and she need not worry about him.

Stella tells her that he’s in good hands and a valuable part of the team. He was family to them.

Sahuna nods to that and replies the Jaal felt the same. But then she says something that takes Stella off guard. 

“You are lonely.” Her all too knowing eyes study Stella. No perhaps more than study, she was seeing past her skin, peeling back the painted smiles and cheerful demeanor. Sahuna can see her, and it’s a feeling that Stella isn’t comfortable with. 

Unable to keep eye contact, Stell looks through the open door, she catches Jaal peering at them, he has something of a pleased expression before one of his many siblings draw his attention. 

There are nearly a hundred angara surrounding her, all friendly and kind. But she feels adrift amongst them all. 

Hollow . 

She shrugs in response to Sahuna. Which the angara mother points out that Stella’s shrugging was confusing her. There was no real answer to any of her questions so she simply says that she’s got more than enough family to surround her, how could she be lonely.

“Even the brightest star looks alone in the sea of black.” Sahuna touched Stella’s cheek. “Even though she is surrounded by others she can’t see that she’s the sun.”

Stella wrinkles her nose and smiles. “Thats nice.”

Sahuna is frowning at her. “You know the Pathfinder sent us a gift basket, I would love to share it with you” She pronounces the word geeft-ha , but that isn’t the reason Stella snorts.  At the curious look Stella folds her hands.

“That is for you and your family to share.” She whispers and see’s Sahuna’s surprised look on her face.

“You sent the-oh stars I am-”

“Please don’t.” Stella lifted her hands to pacify Sahuna.

“We thought that it-it said from Ryder” Sahuna looks fraught from this new knowledge and Stella simply touches her shoulder. 

“You thought that it was Scott who sent it.” Stella wrinkles her nose, smiling. “Sometimes its easy to forget there are still two of us.” She laughs softly but Sahuna looks at her with pity. Thats the last thing Stella wants. 

Clearing her throat, Stella stands. “We should probably get back to the party.”

“You love my son.” Sahuna’s soft voice stills Stella’s retreat. There’s a thick lump in her throat as she stares ahead at Jaal’s beaming face she turns then looking back at Sahuna. She’s carefully rearranged her face and can tell Sahuna is surprised at the bright smile there.

“Your son is loved by many. You should be very proud of him.” Before Sahuna can respond a particularly boisterous asari saunters into the little dining area. 

“Mama Ama Darav,” Peebee beams, taking the seat across from the angara, the one Stella had been in earlier. Somehow she thinks Peebee looks natural there, as if she belongs there “You have to give me some dirt on Jaal.” 

Stella takes the moment to slip off into the crowd. She was thinking she had been seen and likely forgotten, so it wasn’t too hard to slip out the door and head back to the ship. 

Back on the shelf. 

Stella’s preparing for bed when he shows up in the doorway of the biolab. She’s brushing her hair and stills at the feeling of bioelectricity running along her skin in a questioning manner. 

She’d gotten good at understanding him without words. It was the only thing that she could do that the others couldn’t. Something he told her, how neither Peebee or Cora had biotics like hers. Theirs were silent, but her’s danced. That’s how he phrased it. 

Perhaps she was defective? Never able to fully control what little power she held. 

Sighing Stella lays down the brush and peeks through her hair at him. Something twist in her gut at the sight. He’s standing uncertain at the open door, sweater grasped in his hand

“Stella,” Jaal wavers for a moment, looking forlorn. She has the urge to go to him but stops up short when he steps through closing the door behind him. “I am sorry.” 

She glances between the sweater to Jaal in a pursed lip confused manner. “What happened?” She canted her head to the side, small smile playing on her lips. Anxiety twists inside her gut. A thousand thoughts race through her mind for his apology. 

He seems to study her for a moment, she can even feel his current brushing along her low simmering biotics.  

“I have mistakenly thought that this,” He lifted the sweater higher into view, the very one she refused to look at as she kept a steady gaze on his eyes. “Was from another.”

Her smile stretched wider, so much so that it was starting to hurt. Nose wrinkle she simply shrugs. “It’s okay,” And perhaps its a slip in her control but she can’t help but add bitterly with a bright and cheerful smile. “I’m used to being passed over.” 

He blinks and opens his mouth to say something but she’s no more interested in what he has to say than she is getting exalted by the kett. 

“I’m glad you seem to like it.” She chirps out talking over his soft words. “I know you were telling your mothers sometime ago that you wish you brought more clothing to relax in.” She shrugged. “And I just wanted to make you feel more comfortable.”

His lips are pressed together, brow knitted. “Are you not also responsible for the perfume bottles and fruit?”

Stella’s brow raised at this; she hadn’t expected him to remember those. Much less start making connections. “Ah,” She scratched at the tip of her nose and shrugged, not really giving him a definite answer. Though he steps further into the room, she has the sudden urge to back up, to put more space between them as he swallows up what had been there. But her feet are rooted in spot just like the curl of her lips in that ever cheerful smile that she didn’t feel. 

Hollow, hollow like a doll.

“And the quilt?” He asked. “Or the access to the cultural center and then the rest of the Nexus.” She’s having real trouble keeping the smile intact now. Her eyes darted to the plants blooming on the shelfs, bouncing around the room trying to not get trapped by his intense stare.  

“Ah well I just wanted to look out for you.” She pursed her lips, blinking away the frown and smiling once more. Though her arms are crossed over her chest and shoulders curling slightly forward. “And the qu-quilt was-ah I mean you talked about being home sick and after Voeld…” Her voice trails off and she’s not sure what to do. He wasn’t suppose to know about all of this. No one knew-

“And the updated reports to my mothers. The gift basket for my family.” He’s baring down on her, so close she can smell that tantalizing scent that was all Jaal. So alien yet alluring. The heat from his current is washing over her, biotics tremble in response. 

Her throat is closing and she’s having trouble keeping from fidgeting. “Family worry, your mothers thought you were going onto an enemy's ship and I wanted to start building bridges.” Her voice cracks just a bit and she can’t help but clear it hoping he hadn’t noticed. 

“The report to Evfra on my accomplishments and recommendations of a promotion.” His voice is low, husky even eyes so intense its as if he’s holding her gaze physically and not letting go. 

She wets her bottom lip, that trembles. “I know you struggle with your confidence,” She jerks softly when a hand moves to catch her shoulder. “I figured Eh-evfra,” She chokes for a moment. “Could recognize how uh amazing you are.” Her heart is beating so hard and so fast she fears it may explode. “You’re a good man, Jaal. A talented soldier. But you don’t see….” Her breath catches when she looks at him. He’s got a shine to his eyes, unshed tears.

“Oh-oh no Jaal did I cross a line.” Her voice wavers then as she reaches up to cup his face only to freeze. That was no right of hers to touch him as such. And she feared that doing so would create a yearning in her. And if she yearns then she wouldn’t be happy just sitting on her shelf any longer. She’ll want to have more, more that she will never be able to have. 

She just had her usefulness and then she would be back on the shelf. 

Her hands began to drop but he grabbed them and leaned into her palms.

“Please don’t,” She gasped out but it was far too late for it. She could feel the warmth of his skin beneath her fingertips, the tingling sensation of his current brushing along her skin. Jaal let out a pleased rumble. 

She couldn’t stop rubbing her thumb across the new scar, or wiping at the corner of his eye to clear away the tears. It was too late as she felt the starvation of touch that she had buried away. This was what it felt like to touch another person intimately. He was so warm, but not soft, the texture of his skin was smooth. She was so caught up in the sensation she didn’t notice his eyes closing, or the tangling of their currents.She whined so softly when his hand span low along her ribs. It was comforting in a warm, safe way. 

“You are beautiful,” Jaal breathes softly and it crushes her as she jerks her hands away as if he had burned her. And it did. An ugly searing thing along her chest. Even her biotics flicker dangerously against his current. Fending him off while she stumbles back.

“Don’t.” She hisses and he peers confused at her. His current tries to connect with the jagged sharpness of her biotics but they no longer tangle peacefully as she no longer can control the boiling emotions. The hurt, the pain. “Don’t lie to me Jaal.”

He straightens and follows after her until she’s pressed against the wall. “I am not lying.” He declared watching her bottom lip tremble. “You are beautiful.”

She turns her head away from him, catching the reflection of the mirror she placed there. Her breath hitches at the sight. Her eyes were wide and watery, red rimmed, skin flushed. Her perfected mask was slipping between her hands, turning to dust. 

She closed her eyes, blocking out the sight. “Am not.” She murmurs stiffening as he glides a hand along her chin. He cups her cheek, thumb stroking along her skin. He makes a soft purring noise against her temple. 

“Ah Stella,” Jaal tugs her into his arms, hand on the back of her head, holding her against his broad chest. He rocks them side to side, nose to her hair purring ever so softly. His electric current brushes along hers until they are entwined once more. Even when theres a small hiccup in her biotics he clings to her ever more. 

She stands there, in the circle of his arms, and even though she’s breaking inside, she can’t seem to truly cry. Only wishing that he hadn’t lied to her. 

They have something tentative between them. Stella’s not sure what, but Jaal seems determined not to leave her alone on her shelf any longer. He draws her into conversations, drags her from her little safety cocoon. He is there to greet her every morning and tell her goodnight. He always is coming around to check in on her periodically, and even wants to help with her task that she’d taken on, despite her protest. 

She wants to hate him for it. For making her fall for him even more. For showing her what being wanted felt like. Of being treated as a friend would and not an acquaintance. For showing her with words and passing touches how happy he was that she was around. She wanted to hate him, but all she could do was love him. 

“Stella, good morning.” Jaal beams coming in the kitchen. 

She blinks at him, spoon in mouth, cheeks puffed out from the bland cereal she’s consuming. She looks down at the table mumbling her hello. 

Jaal chuckles moving around the kitchen, grabbing his own breakfast. “Did you sleep well last night?” He takes a seat beside her, tossing one arm behind her, the other holds his paste.

“Fine.” She curls her shoulders forward, trying not to touch him, but he seems to know, he always seems to know now, how starved she is for it. 

He stretches his legs out, thigh brushing along hers.  His current is already rolling across her biotics and she can feel him letting out a happy noise when they tangle. She getting use to communicating with him through their currents. 

She can feel him sharing his happiness for the day, how he was in good health both in body and mind. She did jerk a little when his bioelectricity crept in places they shouldn’t be, and without thought her biotics bumped him back. 

“You’re getting good at it.” He chuckles beside her. “If you are having trouble sleeping, I know of a tea that can help.”

“I didn’t say I was.” She mumbled scooping more cereal into her mouth.

“Didn’t have too.” His current nudges against her. “You already told me.”

She was going to ask what he meant by that when the doors opened again.

Peebee’s face brightens as she comes in, and Stella begins to sink deeper into the cushions. Jaal’s blocking her exit and now she had to sit here as the flirted back and forth. 

She’s no longer hungry as she stirs the cereal with her spoon. 

Peebee ask what Jaa’ls doing for the day, she wants his input on Poc. Stella is surprised how relatively normal their conversation is. But she’s not interested to look up and see them mooning at each other, or figure out that they are making some weird alien innuendos.

These thoughts abruptly stop when Jaal’s warm hand cups the back of her neck, fingers caressing the baby hairs there. His current viberats down her spine in a manner that makes her thighs snap close. 

Her spoon hits the bowl with a loud ‘CLACK’ when it slipped from her fingers. Cheeks pink she stares down at the bowl while Jaal’s thumb rubs against the back of her neck. 

“Everything okay Stella?” Peebee has her arms crossed, a smile playing on her face. There’s a glint there in her eyes as if she knows something Stella doesn’t. As if shes in on a joke. Something ugly unfurls in Stella’s chest.

What if this was a joke?

“Erm I uh er have reports.” She squeaked out suddenly sliding under the table and out leaving Jaal gaping from where he was sprawled, hand still in the air from where it had cupped the back of her neck. 

She waves a frantic bye and darts out, flushing darker at Peebee’s flowing laughter following her. Shame curls in her gut as she throws herself into work. 

There is no place she could hide on the ship to avoid the pair, and Jaal is ever more in her shadow. Twice he had appeared as if from thin air, scaring her so bad she thought her heart had stopped. He now was sure to call out to her before dropping down from the catwalk in front of her, or to walk up behind her and brush his knuckles along the small of her back. 

Stella is truly confused by him.

Why was he trying to hard? If he wanted something she gladly gave it. If he wanted to make up for the mistake she told him he was fine. So it made no sense to her. Worse was she feared when she went back to her shelf, was left behind and forgotten she might not ever get over the warmth he provided when they were together. 

Nibbling her lip she went to ask him if perhaps he was still feeling guilty when she caught him holding something he shouldn’t have been.

“Where did you get that?” Stella stares at the glossy green cover, frowning. 

“Scott has lent it to me.” 

Of course . She isn’t surprised, considering that no one thought to ask her before they took. But then she always gave with a smile. 

But the book he held…. 

“Please be careful with it.” Something in her voice must have given her away when he looks up then, frown on his face. His current curls around her biotics, theres a probing question there. He does this more now, seeking answers without giving words. 

“It’s mine.” She answers outloud, surprising herself. “My mother gave it to-to me.” She reaches out, turing to the Giving Tree over to show the back inner cover with words writing inside. Ellen said that Stella reminded her too much of this tale and reminded her that a kind heart was good, but selfless acts could end up hurting her more than a moment of selfishness. It’s why Stella loved the book so much. Not because the tree gave until there was nothing left, but because no matter how many years went by the little boy always came back. 

Jaal studied the simple alliance script of the deceased Ellen’s words. He seemed to cradle the book more with care at her words. “I will keep it safe.” He promised looking up at Stella. His eyes are bright and theres a softness to his current now. 

“Would you….would you like me to read it to you?” She began to offer but her words were washed away as Peebee came barreling into the room with wide excited eyes. 

“Jaal you HAVE to come see this!” She nearly ripped the book from his hands and dragged him out. “Liam’s teaching Drack to do a cartwheel!”

Stella stood in the silence of the empty room, she bent, picking up the book from where it had fallen after Peebee tossed it haphazardly onto the counter. She pressed her lips together and rubbed the glossy picture before setting it safely out of the way. When she turned she nearly yelped at the sight of Jaal standing there watching her.

“I am sorry.” He rumbled. “I meant to protect it.” 

She smiled softly at him. Though it likely didn’t reflect well in her biotic flow when his current quivering with apology. “Its-”

She stopped herself, unable to say it was okay. Because it wasn’t. That was the last thing she had from her mother before Ellen became sick. Before she died, leaving Stella all alone on her shelf.

“Sometimes,” She curled an arm around her waist. “Mistakes happen,” She shrugged. “Just be more careful next time.” She tries to move past him only to feel his hand curl around the back of her neck. 

“I’d like it.” He bent over her, looking at her wide eyes and pink cheeks. “If you read your book to me.” 

Stella wrinkles her nose, smile curling her lips. “Okay.” She whispers, and finds herself unable to look at his bright smile.

Turns out Drack was rather good at cartwheels. 

—————

“I do not like this story.” Jaal declares as she finishes the book. “The child is selfish, pursuing only his wants over the feelings of the tree.”

Stella lifts a brow at him, surprised. She had been weaving her hair into a braid when Jaal burst in, disrupting her routine of getting ready for bed. Dressed in her thin shirt and shorts, she could do nothing but gape as he held the book in one hand and two juice boxes in the other. 

“I hear that drinks and a bedtime book are good for sleeping.” He states and she has to wonder which person has led him wrong. “For humans,” He clarifies. “Ah-I am wrong.”

Stella laughs softly and invites him in. She had expected him to sit on the stool. But Jaal had scooped her up and situated themselves on her little cot that she feared would give out beneath the two of them. 

“Are you comfortable?” He has a hand spanning her back, the other holds the book. 

“I can sit-” She begins to stutter, face flushed.

“No need. I am comfortable, you are comfortable. There is nothing to worry about.”

There was plenty to worry about though! Like the fact she was draped across his chest in nearly nothing but a thin shirt and shorts. Or that she can smell his perfumes, and feel his breath across her temple. Or that she really really wants him to kiss her. 

Or if Peebee finds them like this. 

Her hands shake a little and she swallows. “Um.”  She tentatively takes the book from his hand and wiggles to sit up away from him, but his hands anchor her to him, one on her back the other on her hip. His current is racing in a vibrating way. Like he is anxious and she’s confused. 

Tucking her chin she slides down him just a little to properly hold the book so he could see it. She nestles between his legs and feels a moment of heat when something moves against her backside.

Just his clothing . She insists as she stays still clearing her throat loudly, ears burning, cheeks flushed. 

Jaal is purring behind her, bioelectricity settling against her biotics teasing it enough to become entangled. Like a lover caressing their partners fingers apart to slide his hand between hers. 

She nearly pinches herself for the comparison. Her stupid little heart was flopping over at the feel of him around her. 

She has to force herself to crack open the book and begin reading. Less she do something stupid. 

“I do not like this book.” Jaal states again, jolting her back to the present, his hand is draped over his thigh, fingers barely touching the top of hers, just below the cut off her shorts.

“What about the tree?” Stella asks. “She loved the boy unconditionally.”

“A fool.” Jaal states and Stella stills. 

“Some people are fools in love.” She agrees softly.

His fingers slid along the edge of her shirt, stroking the skin of her midriff that was peeking through. “Stella,” His voice drops, becoming husky. And she knows she’s in trouble.

Inhaling sharply she scrambles out of his arms nearly faceplanting into the grated floor below. “Bed!” She squawked pressing her back to the cool glass of the terrariums. 

Jaal doesn’t look phased by her sudden movements as he stands from the cot. “Mmm yes some little humans need to get their sleep.” He stretched his arms high over his head, the casual sleep shirt riding up to give her a mouth watering glimpse of his lower abs. 

She almost whimpers. 

Jaal smirks, lowering his arms. “Good night Stella.” He bends suddenly kissing her forehead before stepping out of the room leaving her dumbfounded. 

This apparently became his new routine. He would show up at night, datapad in hand, a bowl of angara and human safe fruit in the other. He would smile that charming smile, look at her with his big eyes and ask if she would read him another child book that he discovered. 

She had a feeling Scott had told the angara about her secret love for children's books. As every story seemed to be one of her favorites. 

So there they sat, him on her cot, her in his arms. She would read the stories, pausing to answer all his questions with an infinite amount of patients, and at the end he would tell her his opinion. She liked hearing his thoughts. So different from her own, a fresh perspective. 

The problem though, was that she liked this new routine. She got use to it, expected it. 

She should have known better. 

Being off her shelf didn’t make it go away. And she was always put back. 

So when he didn’t show up as he usually did she stayed up just a little bit longer, waiting. After an hour she went to see if maybe he was having trouble picking a book, or deciding on a snack.

Or he was with Peebee, the two of them sitting on his bedding, she was leaning into his side, datapad in his hands as she talked to him in soft hush tones. 

At first she  startled, seeing them together like this. As if she forgot, blocked it from the dream she’d been living. But reality had a way of breaking apart ones soul. And Stella should have known.

“This one here,” Peebee put her hand on his knee and pointed at the screen. “This one is good, a lot of women like it, get the right angle, and its pleasure for you both.” 

Spinning on her heels she quickly backed out before she was spotted. The invisible fist was back, hitting her hard that she nearly crashed into the door during her escape. But she was lucky to find her familiar bed. 

One that smelled like Jaal. 

Softly sobbing she curled onto the floor unable to bear the memories that he left there. She should have known. She should have stopped it long ago. 

Luckily for her, she didn’t have to face either Jaal or Peebee for sometime as Scott took them both to explore a derelict Remnant ship. Something he was doing for the Krogan colony. And considering it was the two biggest nerds dream, he had offered them a spot to see it. 

“Stella make sure no one eats the last of the blast-o cereal while I’m gone.” Scott joked as he patted her shoulder heading for the parked nomad. She could feel the heat radiating from outside, even at the back of the cargo hold. 

“O-okay.” She always saw Scott off on his missions. Hoping that this wasn’t going to be the last time she saw him. “I uh I love you.” She whispered. 

Scott just grinned winking at her, then turning when the door opened with Jaal and Peebee walking in.

“About time, I was about to change out squads.” Scott playfully huffed.

“Sorry Ryder,” Peebee huffed. “Big guy wanted to say bye.”

“To everyone?” Scott looked at Jaal confused.

“No I-” Jaal stopped seeing Stella in the corner, her eyes bouncing back and forth between all three of them. 

She became flustered noticing that Jaal was staring at her. Hands pressed to her stomach she looked down at her feet. 

“Stella!” His voice boomed against the walls, even with the ramp open, Jaal’s voice carried. 

She’d hoped that he wouldn’t notice her sandwiched between crates and Vetra’s door. She had hoped he would ignore her. Let her fade to the background. 

She lifted her hand and gave a soft wave then curled her fingers into her shirt tugging on it. 

Jaal beamed at her and started to walk towards her. “I wanted to say bye.” He rumbled. “Before I left.” His current slid along hers and he frowned when even the soft coaxing to get hers to respond didn’t. “Are you okay?” He reached out to touch her and she jerked back, turtling into her shirt.

“Scotts waiting on you.” She whispered looking down at his feet. She sunk inwards when he starts purring, little things he did to get her to calm.

When did he get this good at knowing her?

“I am sorry I didn’t show last night.” Jaal inched closer, still his current gently ran across her skin, trying to entangle with her biotics. “Me and Peebee were doing research.”

She flinched at that and turned her head. “It’s fine.” She croaked. 

“Jaal,” Scott called, “We need to head out.”

He seemed torn looking at Stella. His shoulders slumped a little before he backed away. “I will be back.” He promised. 

She fisted her shirt, tugging on it, and looked up at him. He seemed to wait her words, knowing as always, that she struggled with them. “Then….come back.” She paused and added ever so softly. “To me.” 

She honestly didn’t think he heard it, but the giant grin said otherwise. She was embarrassed and nearly went to take it back when he leaned forward and purred. 

“Always.” 

And with possibly the smuggest smile he turned and sauntered back toward the nomad. Shoulders back, head high. 

Stella was still embarrassed, still confused, but she felt...better somehow. Even when her brother huffed at Jaal that he was being a cad. 

She learns later that Jaal was highly offended by the remark and promised to prove Scott that he was anything but dishonorable. 

------

She’s tending to her secret strawberry garden, trying to get her seeds to germinate. There had a bit of a tussle with the mission, and while they had returned, the mood of the crew seemed strained. Apparently the drivecore that was suppose to be there, was not.

Stella had shifted about waiting outside the cargo bay, eating the skin off her bottom lip. Scott had been beyond pissed, Peebee looked perturbed and Jaal was less than pleased when they exited the nomad. He did have time to give her a soft smile but after being stuck out in the heat and sand, Jaal had come back rather grumpy. He had showered, grabbed his paste, and disappeared into the tech lab without another word. 

Feeling a little put off she decided to work on her new project of getting some fruit to grow. So far her basil and rosemary plants were flourishing, but strawberries might prove to be a problem. She had hoped that this would help keep her mind off the angara that made her heart flutter. 

Scott had wanted Stella to come along for the next part of the mission. He thought she would be delighted by the New Tuchanka colony. 

“They play roleplay games.” Scott whispered, clearly amused by this. “I want to see if Drack can get us into a session.” 

But Stella had preferred to stay on the ship. With air conditioning and no sand in her cracks. 

This is how Jaal finds her, squatting over her little project, fingers deep in the dirt, tongue peeking out between her lips.

“Your biotics is different.” Jaal murmurs softly, leaning over to watch her dig through the dirt. She can feel his current skimming along her biotics. “Not the same as my bioelectricity.” She hums thoughtfully, pausing for a moment when she feels something warmer enter his current. Warmer, yet it seems to curl around her wrist, throat, and spreads along her chest. This was something she’d felt briefly before but not for long. She looks up at Jaal, lips pressed together in confusion. 

Their currents are tangled, there had always been a push and pull whenever he was around. As if he subconsciously would reach out to communicate with her in this manner whenever she was around.

“You’ll have to forgive me that it took longer than it should have to realize.” He’s squatting down beside her and yet he still dwarfs her completely. There’s a pit growing in her stomach when she catches his eye. Anxiety gnaws at her insides with the look he’s giving her. Soft pity. 

She knows this look well. Everytime she was put back on the shelf, everytime her usefulness was run dry. Every rejection, every permanent goodbye, every ‘sorry Stella but I need more,’ More, but she has nothing left to give.

“Please don’t fret.” He rumbles softly at her, the warmth is there but she can feel his current tingling along her skin. A soothing gesture she had come to know he used on her often. Usually it was a calming effect, but now it just made her biotics spike in panic. She could see a frown tugging the edges of his lips. Instead of withdrawing the current he tried to keep them entangled.

“Realize what?” She forces the words out, and can feel Jaal’s warm palm against the fabric of her shirt. He was rubbing small circles in her back. 

“That you were broadcasting your love for me.” His voice is so soft that she thinks she mistakenly heard him wrong. But the longer she stares at his eyes the bigger that pit begins to open. To claw at her insides with twisted nails. “I figured it out,” He nods his head. “The gifts, your biotics, you have been saying it for a long time.”

She can barely focus on his words. The lump in her throat is back, growing bigger, thicker by the second. Invisible fist is paying its dues. 

“I am sorry.” He tries to keep her eyes on him as she glances towards the dirt her fingers are buried in. She can’t move, can’t begin to think of a respones so he carries on without her. 

“But me and Peebee. We are” He seems to have trouble finding the words. ”Together.” 

Her heart fractures then, she can heart the ugly ‘ crack! ’ There is a high pitch screaming inside her head. Its wretched and twisted. Jaal lets out a soft sound, a noise of sorrow when her biotics suddenly disappear all together. Like a flame gone out her biotics vanish. Not tanglement, no entwining, no giving feedback. 

She’s so cold and hollow . 

And now she’s numb. There is no pain, no sadness, just unbearable numbness. She blinks looking at him, smiling dancing on her lips while he looks evermore concerned. 

“Sorry.” She stands despite his protest. “I won’t get in your way-I never meant to get in your way. But I’ll stop.” She’s surprised how even and calm her voice is even when he holds up his hands. 

“Stella,” He tries to stop her but she’s at least a bit quicker than he is. “Stella, please wait.” 

“Scott needs me.” She’s already strutting out the door trying not to run. 

“Please listen-” Jaal is jogging after her. 

“Jaal!” Peebee, for once, has perfect timing sliding in front of him as Stella slips into the cargo bay.  

Scott isn’t expecting her to slid into the Nomad, but he’s happy nonetheless for her to join them on Elaaden. Drack rumbles something and Vetra eyes her with concern but Stella merely settles in the back. 

She wanted to be anywhere else but on the Tempest. 

And she soon regrets it. 

The Archon’s harsh words echoed over Eladaan’s dunes. 

Blood filled the crevices of her mouth, ribs broken she stared up at the imposing form of the Archon. 

It had been a trap, set by some krogan working with the Archon, who was set on getting his claws in Scott. But it was Stella who willingly sacrificed herself to save her beloved brother. 

It was better this way , She thinks, choking on the blood filling her mouth. Scott was important, he was needed. But Stella was expandable. No one would miss her. 

It was better this way.