Chapter Text
PROLOGUE
Seoul, 2005
Jongin let the receiver drop onto its cradle. He'd let the phone ring till it stopped and Sehun still hadn't picked up - that could only mean his best friend was already at the playground or on the way there. Ugh, why had Umma come home early? She hadn't been due home for two more hours. He could've gone to the playground and back without her knowing. Minho wouldn't have cared because he was too deep into Warcraft.
"Umma! Sehun's already there. He's by himself! I can't leave him there on his own," Jongin begged. His mother had a harried look about her - hair in messy waves rather than the neat curls she'd left with in the morning. He felt a twinge of guilt for harassing her but he was a man on a mission.
"I'm only letting you go if Minho takes you. You're only ten, I'm not letting you cross that road by yourself. The playground is just downstairs from Sehun's block. He doesn't have to cross the road. Minho-ah! Take your brother! I have to get dinner ready."
"Umma I can't! I'm studying for an Algebra test!" His older brother's disembodied voice was muffled as it wafted lazily through the closed door of his bedroom - closed as usual so Umma couldn't see him "studying" Warcraft, Jongin thought, making a face.
"Jongin, you'll have to wait till I have time to take you then, araso? After I get the jjigae on the boil." She instructed as she slipped an apple green apron appliquéd with cute cats over her conservative work blouse and skirt.
"I'll try asking Junmyeon hyung first, ok?" Jongin asked his mom who nodded distractedly as she peeled a clove of garlic and smashed it with the butt end of her knife handle. Jongin mouthed a quick thanks and jogged out the front door and over a few feet of smooth, slate gray tile before sliding to an abrupt halt at the apartment door right opposite their own.
* * *
"Umma won't let me go to the playground because I'm 'too young' to cross the road myself," Jongin rolled his eyes in annoyance, "and hyung is in a total Warcraft coma. He fed Umma some BS about studying for an Algebra test! Hyung! Studying for a test! He never studies! Are you guys even taking algebra?" Jongin asked suspiciously.
"Well, yes. But your brother must be taking some test the rest of the class doesn't know about."
"I knew it! The rat. That's why you've got to help me, hyung. Sehun's left for the playground already and he'll be there all by himself and he'll be waiting for me. And hyung insists he has no time so you gotta help me, okay?"
"How can you be sure I have time to take you, Jonginnie?" Junmyeon's eyes were wide but his tone was slightly teasing. Jongin knew that tone. Junmyeon hyung would eventually cave - he always did once Jongin started begging. Junmyeon hyung had always been much nicer to him than his own brother ever had.
"Hyungggg, pleeeeaaase?" Jongin was nothing if not persistent.
"But I have homework, Jongin. I have to solve 20 Calculus problems - they're due tomorrow. I really don't have time today."
"Hyungggg ... Just for half and hour, I promise! Sehun's waiting for me and I can't leave him there by himself and hyung is being a jerk and Umma won't let me go myself. I was going to go on my own but then Umma came home. I've crossed the road loads of times to join Sehun - but don't tell her!" Jongin added in a panic when Junmyeon gave him a critical look. He felt a brief pang of guilt for exaggerating the Sehun-being-all-tragically-alone situation. There were usually a lot of kids there at this time accompanied by their moms so Sehun would most likely be fine - but Jongin had to get to the playground somehow so he decided he could leave out that bit of information.
"Okay, fine. But only half an hour, okay? And don't go to that playground on your own anymore. It's not safe." Junmyeon sighed, shutting his lined exercise book and packing his pens and ruler in a nondescript navy blue pencil case before stacking everything in a neat pile on his desk.
"YES!" Jongin waved a triumphant fist in the air before throwing himself at Junmyeon in an exuberant embrace - squashing his tanned cheek against Junmyeon's bony chest.
"Whoa! It's just the playground, Jongin! It's not like I agreed to take you to Everland." Junmyeon chuckled awkwardly as he disentangled his thin, 13 year old self from the younger boy's equally thin arms.
* * *
"I told you to not to climb those monkey bars so fast." Junmyeon sighed. It occurred to him that he sighed a lot when Jongin was around - mainly because the boy was a walking magnet for all manner of mishaps.
"I'm sorry." Jongin sounded miserable as he clung to Junmyeon's shoulders. His left leg was wrapped securely around Junmyeon's waist while his right one hung limply on the side, "Sehun said I was too slow."
"Oh Sehun is a menace. Of the worst kind."
"He's my best friend." Jongin said a little defensively.
"That doesn't change the fact that he's a menace." Junmyeon's voice was firm. He hitched Jongin up a bit when he felt his body make a downward slide down his back.
"I can walk home, hyung. I can walk, you don't have to carry me."
"It's ok. You're not that heavy. Plus if I'm going to return you to your mom injured, she'll probably be less mad at me if I don't make you walk home with a sprained ankle."
"Hyung would have made me walk."
"Well, I'm not your hyung, Jonginnie." Junmyeon patted his hand comfortingly and Jongin buried his face in the warmth of his older friend's back. Junmyeon hyung was always so nice to him.
* * *
Seoul, 2011
Jongin gave the pavement a few desultory kicks of the right foot, gazing down at his All Stars which were like two vivid splashes of red against the dirty gray concrete. Then his eyes wandered to the playground which lay beyond the pavement he now stood on. They'd given the place a few coats of fresh paint over the years. Mostly blue and red when he was ten, the playground was currently sporting the most nauseating shades of mauve and lavender. Not that the putrid shades seemed to affect the kids' enjoyment, Jongin observed.
Random bursts of laughter and excited shouts rang out every now and then as children energetically threw themselves off the ground on swings and glided, arm over arm across the monkey bars. Unbidden, Jongin's mind ghosted back to that afternoon six years before, when he'd fallen off those same monkey bars and wrenched his ankle. His consciousness was suddenly filled with the strong, earthy scent of freshly cut grass which he remembered smelling as he had landed, horizontal on the ground.
At his yelp of pain, Junmyeon had run over to help, dusting truncated blades of grass off his already swelling ankle. Once he'd made sure Jongin hadn't broken any bones, Junmyeon had asked him to climb onto his back so he could carry him home. Ankle throbbing and dignity in shreds, Jongin had nodded and climbed obediently onto his friend's back.
"Jongin, you ok?" Sehun's voice was small and quavery.
"Yeah. No thanks to you." Jongin answered sarcastically.
"I'm sorry, Jongin. I um, ok, so ... IguessI'llbegettinghomenowseeyouinschoolbye!" And just like that, his chickenshit of a best friend had vanished while Jongin stared in shock at the spot where the scrawny, sharp-faced boy had been standing mere seconds ago. Readjusting Jongin so he was settled more comfortably on his back, Junmyeon shook his head in disgust as he muttered something ominous about treacherous best friends.
Junmyeon had given him a piggyback ride home for the first time that day. Things had been much simpler then, when Jongin was ten and oblivious and Junmyeon had just been his neighbor and kind older friend.
Jongin kicked the pavement again.
Things had been much simpler.
(From 'Clarity' by Zedd feat. Foxes)
Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need [From: Let Me In by Save Ferris]
Outside Seoul, 2011
The gnarled tree trunk felt solid behind him as Jongin leaned tiredly against it, drawing his knees close to his chest. It was past midnight and he was no closer to sleep than when he'd come out here twenty minutes earlier. Insect chirps and whirs provided an oddly comforting soundtrack as Jongin inhaled the cool night air and rested his chin listlessly on his knees.
His eyes drifted once again to the bright orange and electric blue pop-tent he was sharing with Sehun tonight. He could just make out his best friend's anything but faint snores. To Jongin's amusement, Sehun had begun snoring mid-sentence while regaling Jongin with all the minutiae of the lapis lazuli tower he'd built in Minecraft the day before. Honestly, Jongin would've fallen asleep mid-lecture if Sehun hadn't beaten him to it by falling asleep himself.
So instead of drifting into Sehun-induced slumber, Jongin had been left with nothing but the rhythmic noises of Sehun's snoring, and the loudness of his own uneasy thoughts as the two seventeen year-olds lay side by side in their olive drab sleeping bags. He wondered if Junmyeon and Minho were still awake. The light in the red and black tent had gone out fifteen minutes before theirs had so the two older boys were probably asleep. He sighed. Not that it made any difference. All he knew for sure was that he wouldn't be getting any sleep any time soon. The cause of it wasn't even Sehun's exceedingly loud snoring - it was something else altogether that was robbing him of rest. The knowledge that Junmyeon lay just four or five feet away from him simmered under Jongin's skin, unsettling him.
After another ten minutes of staring at the red and black tent, mired in indecision about whether to wake Junmyeon or not, Jongin finally crawled over to the untethered opening of the red tent and peered in. He could see the tops of two heads - his brother's much larger one, and Junmyeon's much smaller one. Minho's snores were obnoxious rumbles in counterpoint to Junmyeon's soft, discreet ones and Jongin couldn't help smiling. Junmyeon was just so much more low key than his extroverted and opinionated brother in every way. Reaching his hand out swiftly before he could change his mind, Jongin shook Junmyeon's shoulder gently. Junmyeon had always been a light sleeper and his eyelids flickered open almost immediately.
"Jonginnie? What is it? Did something happen?" Concern battled with grogginess as Junmyeon struggled to sit up in his black beanbag. His straight hair, always cut short, stood up in endearing spikes and his eyes were still fighting to stay open.
"Come outside, hyung."
"But I was sleeping, you idiot!" Junmyeon glared at him - wide awake now.
"Please?" Jongin took his smaller hand in his and tugged it insistently. Junmyeon sighed. He had never been able to resist Jongin's pleas even though he had never had any trouble saying no to his older brother Minho. He had never refused Jongin when they were both little kids and he certainly couldn't refuse him now when they were almost adults. Junmyeon had never really questioned why. It just was.
"I can't believe you woke me up." Disgruntled, Junmyeon punched Jongin's shoulder lightly as they stood together outside the tent.
"Well you can try going back to sleep now - with that symphony presented to you in stereo sound." He pointed at Minho and Sehun who were both rattling loudly in their neighboring tents.
"You're such an asshole. You couldn't sleep so you woke me up didn't you?" Junmyeon punched him again.
"I guess you could say that." Jongin grinned and Junmyeon flicked his forehead affectionately, calling him an idiot again for good measure. Jongin's chuckles filled the air - his laughter lines barely visible in the dimness of moonlight.
"I still can't believe you dragged me out when I was already asleep you dork. You know how long it takes to drift off once Minho's found his stride! I only managed earlier because I went to sleep while he was online with Jinri. Minho typing noises aren't as loud as Minho sleeping noises." Junmyeon groaned, yawning and rubbing his eyes sleepily - hands curled in fists as he dragged the backs of his index fingers over his eyelids.
"Weren't you chatting with Sunyoung too?" Jongin probed. Junmyeon had started dating his classmate Sunyoung the year before and it had been ... difficult for Jongin. Sunyoung was petite and pretty with a sunny personality and Junmyeon and her looked like they belonged together. It had been difficult for Jongin and no one had any idea - Junmyeon especially because Jongin had hidden it from him most especially.
"I texted her after dinner."
"That's all? But when you like someone, don't you think of them all the time? Don't you want to see them all the time and talk to them all the time?"
"Well, I guess that's true for some people but it's never been that way for me and Sunyoung. We're comfortable together, Jongin. Not really, y'know, intense."
"Comfortable, huh?" Jongin repeated slowly, his face pensive.
"Why all the deep questions? I'm so sleepy I can barely even remember my full name. I can't do deep right now. Which brings me back to the issue of why the hell did you wake me up, Kim Jongin?!" Junmyeon placed his hands on Jongin's shoulders and shook them, but he wasn't angry at all and they both knew it. Years ago, Junmyeon had been the taller, but Jongin had surpassed him in height two years before. The younger of the two now stood more than half a head taller as he looked down at Junmyeon with a half smile.
"Fireflies, hyung. You always liked fireflies." Jongin said quietly and the other boy's hands slid off his shoulders as an expression of awe settled on his features.
"I haven't seen fireflies in a long time, Jongin."
"I know, hyung. Remember when we caught fireflies that one summer?"
"Yeah, sure I do." Junmyeon nodded imperceptibly as his thoughts started drifting back to that firefly summer four years ago ...
Seoul 2007
During the summer when Jongin and Junmyeon were 12 and 15, they had got into the habit of bringing their empty honey citron tea jars out to the field next to their apartment block to hunt for fireflies. Sehun and Minho had followed them once and firmly declared that prime time TV was way more riveting than traipsing around in the dark catching insects - glowing or otherwise. That hadn't stopped the other two, and Junmyeon and Jongin had faithfully ventured out once or twice a week to visit the fireflies. They always moved off to a darker area after catching a few so that they could observe the ethereal glow of the fireflies as they danced around in their transparent glass cages. After a few minutes of watching their erratic lightshow, Jongin and Junmyeon would always unscrew the jar lids and let the bugs go.
One night in July though, two of the released fireflies had mysteriously flitted around the two boys instead of escaping to the safe haven of trees beyond the clearing. Lips held slightly apart, Junmyeon had raised his palms upward and Jongin had mimicked his actions. The duo of fireflies had moved jerkily through the air around them and eventually landed on each boy's right palm. Their skin tingled and buzzed wherever the insects crawled, and Junmyeon and Jongin eyed each other in shared wonder - their faces eerie in the greenish phosphorescent light. After a minute or so, the two insects had taken flight. Unconsciously, Junmyeon had draped his arm around Jongin's shoulder, and they had watched silently together as the twin fireflies disappeared into the night.
That had been their last firefly summer because three weeks into autumn, the workers came with bulldozers and diggers and began earthmoving work on the field. Not too many months later, a new apartment block stood where Junmyeon and Jongin used to hunt fireflies.
Seoul 2011
"I don't think I've seen fireflies since that summer." Junmyeon's voice held a touch of regret as he broke out of his reverie and turned to face Jongin.
"Come on, hyung." Jongin said mysteriously as he took his hand and guided him towards a clearing. Junmyeon allowed himself to be pulled along, frowning a little as he wondered when Jongin's hands had become so much larger than his. It seemed like not so long ago, his hand had been the larger. But Jongin's hand dwarfed his now as his long fingers wrapped securely and warmly around Junmyeon's shorter ones.
Before he knew it, they were standing amidst hundreds and hundreds of fireflies. The tiny points of cool green light hovered and floated around the clearing and Junmyeon was filled with the same kind of wonder he'd felt all those years ago. Jongin abruptly stopped moving and Junmyeon almost walked into him.
"Why are we stopping?"
"Shhh. I want to try something." Jongin lowered himself onto the ground, and pulled Junmyeon down beside him.
"What are we doing, Jongin?" Junmyeon eyed him suspiciously. Jongin just gave him an enigmatic smile before stretching his legs out and lying down on the ground. It had been blistering that day so the grass beneath them was only slightly damp. Junmyeon lay beside Jongin and he could feel the individual blades of grass poking uncomfortably at the sensitive skin of his bare arms as he asked, "What are we doing?"
"Just watching the fireflies go by, hyung." Jongin said simply in his low husky voice. Jongin's voice was so much lower than his, Junmyeon thought. He liked listening to Jongin's voice - it had always soothed him, even when Jongin had been a kid with a penchant for mischief. Junmyeon's eyes turned skyward and he sighed as he absorbed the ephemeral beauty of the luminescent bugs glimmering just a few feet above them.
"Do you know what makes them glow?" Junmyeon asked.
"No, but I'm sure you're about to tell me." Jongin chuckled, nudging Junmyeon's side with his elbow. Junmyeon glared at him, taking in Jongin's caramel skin, his handsome features. His jaw had become more angular in past months, and his cheekbones were more prominent now. Sharper. Jonginnie was growing up. He couldn't make out the other boy's eyes in the moonlit clearing, but Junmyeon knew that Jongin's dark chocolate eyes were always gentle with soft edges.
"Is that a roundabout way of saying I'm boring?"
"No, hyung. It just means you like to share information and I'm happy to hear it." Jongin had his Jongin poker face on but Junmyeon could hear the laughter in his voice.
"Brat."
"So what makes fireflies glow?"
"I'm not telling you anymore." Junmyeon pointedly ignored him, pretending to cover his eyes with his forearm.
"Please, hyung? What makes fireflies glow?" Jongin asked teasingly as he raised himself up onto his elbows and lay on his belly in a single, languid movement. Junmyeon felt inexplicably dizzy as he looked up at Jongin. Jongin who was so beautiful, with haloes of lightning bugs floating behind him. It must be the fireflies that were affecting him, Junmyeon told himself.
"Okay, fine, since you twisted my arm ..." Junmyeon gave Jongin a token censorious look before continuing, "Fireflies have these special cells in their abdomen which can produce light. The cells contain a chemical called luciferin which makes an enzyme called luciferase. And the luciferin combines with oxygen to make oxyluciferin which makes the light and the luciferase speeds up the reaction. Are you still with me?"
"Yes, hyung." Jongin answered obediently as he watched Junmyeon give his lecture, his eyes and hands animated the way they always got when he was talking about things that fascinated him. And his arched eyebrows and small pink mouth were as expressive as his eyes and his hands and Jongin could never resist staring at them. He wondered if Junmyeon had ever noticed just how much time Jongin spent watching him.
"So anyway that's how fireflies make light and the process is called bioluminescence." Junmyeon finally concluded his mini dissertation on fireflies and let his arms drop to the ground, palms touching the slightly damp grass.
"Erm bioluminescence sounds impressive and all that, hyung, but I prefer to think of fireflies as bugs that got sprinkled with fairy dust and that's why they glow."
"Are you serious?" Junmyeon's eyes crinkled in laughter, his pale skin luminous in the equally pale moonlight.
"Perfectly."
"That is the most unscientific explanation of anything I have ever heard." Junmyeon shook his head in disbelief.
"Not everything is about science, hyung." Jongin poked the centre of his chest playfully, just above the sternum.
"But sci-" Junmyeon never had the chance to finish his sentence as he sensed feathery currents of air and delicate movements on the skin above his upper lip.
"Don't move, hyung." Jongin whispered as he moved closer. Junmyeon felt trapped as Jongin's fingers brushed against his lips - faint as butterfly wings yet leaving a tingling trail that left him shaken.
"It landed on that mole above your lip." Jongin's voice was hushed as he uncurled his fingers to reveal a single firefly, glowing with a muted green luminescence.
"How do you know I have a mole above my lip?" Junmyeon's eyes were intense and slightly troubled as he stared at Jongin.
Jongin had never wanted this, had never wanted any of this. Of being painfully aware of Junmyeon and all he did. Of needing to see him and talk to him all the time. Of just needing him in a way he couldn't explain and could never show. In a sudden moment of madness, his heart thundering in his chest and in his ears, Jongin closed his eyes, put his heart on the line and said, "Because most days you're all I see."
Stunned, all Junmyeon could say was, "Jongin, I ..."