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They can’t understand when they all cope with everything.
Barbara gently rests her hands on mine, smiling politely at me. “Oh that’s okay Benny, really! I’ve got it covered from here!” I grimaced, darting my eyes around the cluttered library. What was supposed to be a simple clean up quickly became a five person job after I had attempted to help out. I shuffled my foot into the wooden floor, hearing the sound of glass scraping in between the floor boards and the bottom of my shoe.
“I’m really sorry Barbara— Really. I thought my bad luck surely couldn’t interfere with just simple tidying.” I bit back a sob, I don’t think that anyone truly understands that all I want to do is help. It just feels like no matter what I do i’m bound to wreak havoc. I felt a strong calloused hand rest on my shoulder and I flinched; taken aback.
“Come on Bennett, you really couldn’t expect your bad luck not to follow you here. It never leaves.” Kaeya spoke through a forced chuckle, trying his hardest to gently but discretely push me in the direction of the door. I got the point, I wasn’t stupid: I’m not welcome here; I’ll just cause more problems and mess for everyone as long as I’m in close range. Though Kaeya was just stating the facts, it still hurt. My heart lodged itself into my throat and I had to bite down on my tongue to distract myself from anything but the harsh reality.
This hurt that i’m holding’s getting heavy. Maybe it’d be better if I got rid of the bad luck and myself for good.
I took a shaky breath and looked up at Caption Kaeya, a smile beaming on my face. “You’re right,” I pried Kaeya’s fingers from my shoulder. But i’m going to keep a smile on my shoulders until i’m sweaty. “sorry. Again, guys. Just give me a shout if you need any help.” I edged towards the door pretending not to hear the awkward but forced-in-spare-of-my-feelings ‘for sure’s’ and ‘ofcourse’s’. With another shaky breath I let myself stumble out of the door, the tears that had pooled in my eyes finally licking salty pathways down my cheeks; my sleeved wrist reaching up to wipe them away.
I’m such a mess up.
My feet dragged on the cobble pathway right outside of the Knights of Favonius headquarters as i trudged my way through the bustling city of Mondstadt and towards the archway that led into the forest. My breath got short and my body wobbled, unsteady. Once out of range and sight of curious eyes, deep into the lush green of the forest, I fell to my knees; harsh rocks scratching and bruising my knees upon arrival, providing some sort of outlet for all of the pent up pain and anger. Someone come and help me. At this point the tears wouldn’t stop falling, no matter how much I pinched at my skin or rubbed at my cheeks (further dampening my sleeve).
Eventually the sharp stabbing at my knees became unbearable and I fell back onto my bottom, my legs crossing providing me a clear view of my cut and bloodied knees. The ache continued to brew within, although it felt like eventually I had run out of tears to cry leaving me to just breathe shakily and occasionally whimper.
I let my mind wander to fantasies and what-ifs. Let my mind reach to every corner of my brain to provide me with memories of every single time someone had been at the brunt of my bad luck (and how they had reacted to it at the time.)
‘Archons Bennett! Some of us want to live!’ I did too.
‘Bennett! It’s like your bad luck only affects those around you! Do you have any idea what it’s like?’ I do.
‘You ruin everything! Just… Please Bennett, go somewhere else before you cause more damage.’ I know.
The sound of a twig snapping bought me out of the dark depths of my mind and my head jerked to the direction it came from.
“Uhh… Hello?” I spoke, my voice wavering. It was probably Barbara coming to apologise. It’s not like it would matter; it was already over and done with.
A bush rustled and I bit down on my bottom lip. Okay… Maybe not Barbara, she was not one to sneak around. Another twig snapped and I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding upon seeing the silver-haired wolf-boy emerge from the bushes.
“Oh, Razor. It’s just you- Haha. I was worried for a second there, you really caught me off guard.” Razor simply nodded, slowly approaching me. I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or even more upset that it was Razor. On one hand at least it wasn’t a Hillichurl or Archons forbid something much more dangerous. On the other hand, it felt like a smack in the face from Lord Barbatos above. Way to rub salt into the wound by having your unrequited love be the person to find you when you’re already down.
“Bennett…” Razors voice was laced with something as it trailed off. Concern…maybe. I couldn’t really tell. Razor finally reached where I was sitting, moping around pathetically, and crouched down to meet my eyes with his ruby ones. “Hmm.. Bennett sad?” He tilted his head in curiosity.
“Oh! Haha,” I tried to compose myself but it was difficult under the intense stare of the wolf-boy. “nah, i’m fine!” ‘I don’t really need nobody’ I wanted to tack on the end. Although my love for Razor was unrequited (I don’t even know if the poor boy knew what love was.) It didn’t stop me from hanging out with him. He had actually become a close friend, despite only seeing him on occasion (that is, whenever I took a stroll through Wolvendom).
“Hmmm,” Razor once-overed me and sighed. “Bennett say that already.” He wasn’t wrong, whenever Razor seemed to find me at my lowest, all I could manage was an ‘I’m fine! Really!’.
Razor reached out, his half-gloved hand gently caressing my cheek. I could feel the naked skin of his thumb brushing at the dampness of my face. “Bennett cry, Bennett not fine.” His eyebrows knitted together as he spat out the word fine like it was fire on his tongue.
I leaned my head into his palm and my eyes fluttered close. It felt really, really nice to be comforted by Razor; even if just for the briefest moment. “I just need company, Razor.” I breathed. And Razor seemed to get the message as he sat down, crossed-legged and invited me into his open arms. I choked back tears letting him engulf my smaller body into his scratched and bruised arms. He stroked my hair, my head against his chest as I leaned in awkwardly.
“Bennett lupical.” was all the silver-haired boy mumbled as he gently used his fingers to play with the tips and ends of my hair.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
When I awoke I was alone, again, (what a surprise!) albeit what did i expect. It’s not news that I’m unlucky, in fact that was the only word people really used to describe me. I wasn’t surprised to find Razor gone. Hurt? Yes. Surprised, never. I didn’t blame him though, I didn’t blame anyone who steered clear of me. I’d probably steer clear of myself too if i was anyone else. That didn’t stop the fresh tears from welling in my eyes and the sharp tug on my heart.
Would anyone even care if I just disappeared? I just need someone around.
I lifted my head off of the dirty earth below me and jumped to my feet (in the processes landing on my ankle awkwardly and spraining it, but bad luck was a ritual at this point and somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that I deserved it.)
With a limp, I began slowly making my way to Starsnatch cliff. The wind gently pushing me in the opposite direction, as if it could hear my thoughts and in a feeble attempt to stop me it just blew lightly; my messy hair tousling and swaying against the breeze.
It’s not like anyone would notice anytime soon, they would probably think my bad luck had finally really caught up to me, for good. At this point it felt like my brain was rotting; the same thoughts on repeat, an endless loop of nothing. In an attempt to stop myself, I tuned out the thoughts; instead listening to the sound of leaves and twigs crunching under my boots. But I was still heading in the same direction, towards the fate that maybe I was destined to have from birth. Maybe this was all supposed to happen, maybe I was some kind of mistake upon the earth and in response the archons were doing everything in their power to cut my life short; fix the mistake they had made. Some twisted part of my mind found comfort in that stupid explanation (one with many plot holes, but something to help encourage me to just get this over with.)
After a while of dragging my feet against the dirt of the earth and an internal battle, I reached my destination. Relief washed me all over at the sight of the cliff in all of its glory and the voices in my head came to a stop.
This was really it, huh?
I could spend a lifetime sitting here talking myself out of this stupid reckless decision, but in all honesty, the pros outweighed the cons. I just hoped deep down that the impact of the fall was enough to really… do the job.
And with a deep breath I began my trail up the mountain, feeling the warm rays of the sun kissing my skin as it began dipping behind the cliff. About halfway up I shimmied off my gloves and stepped out of my boots, wanting to feel the earth beneath my toes and the wind on my scarred hands one last time. I took off the confinement’s of my long-sleeved shirt (opting to leave my shorts on) and let my eyes take in the ugly sight of my arms and wrists. Scarred all over, some from bad luck, others from… well, let’s just say they were a little too precise to be that of an accident.
I reached the top of the cliff, taking a seat on the very edge; my feet dangling in the air. An empty feeling in my chest, despite my attempts to ignore it, began eating away at me; making it hard to breathe. I sat there and it felt like the wind had stilled, a plead to go back; ‘it’s not too late’. But it was. I fumbled to my feet and the exhaustion hit me all at once. I actually couldn’t remember the last time I ate, It felt like I was always too busy cleaning up all of my mistakes or sulking around to even think about eating. At first it hurt, my stomach would cry out in the late hours of the night, but eventually it felt like I had just given up and like my body didn’t need to eat. I was weak, I was cursed with this bad luck and It impacted every part of my life. And it wasn’t fair.
I took a step forward and my hands began to shake, was I really that pathetic? Was I so scared of a little—I glanced down seeing the deep blue of the waves thrash against large boulder-looking rocks—Long… fall? A bile began to rise deep in my throat and I had to hum to myself to keep it from coming up and out. I took another step, finally at the edge of the cliff. I let my toes curl into the grass and sighed, the shake of my hands finally coming to a stop. My foot lifted ready to send me off the edge of the cliff before I heard it.
“BENNETT!” I turned my head and glanced behind me feeling the wind pick up rather strongly. Razor stood there only metres away, unmoving, like I was a deer and any sudden movement would send me running off the edge of the cliff.
“Razor,” My voice wasn’t nearly as loud, but with his hearing I doubt it mattered.
“Bennett, no!” I gulped, he didn’t really care he just saw me and took pity. He’s only stopping me because he has to.
“It’s okay. Everything will be okay.” I spoke numbly, I couldn’t tell if I was trying to convince him or myself.
“Please, don’t do this!” I bit my lip, unshed tears pooling in my eyes and I turned my head away from him; staring back down into the mix of sharp, jagged rocks and the deep blue water below. I raised my arms, stretching them out on both of my sides before stepping forward. “Bennett!” the wolf-boy screamed, a burning sensation in his throat as he lunged himself forward. I felt the wind thrash against my shorts and for a brief moment I was free. Free from my bad-luck, free from the sympathetic stares, free from my own self-hatred. And then came a burning pain on my wrist and everything seemed to still around me.
I looked up to see a very distraught Razor with a very tight hold on my wrist; definitely bruising the skin. “Bennett.. Why?” His voice came out strained and he himself began to feel the sensation of tears building in his eyes. “Why?” He repeated after a long silence. Razor may have been raised by wolves but he wasn’t stupid, he understood the concept of suicide. He didn’t understand why people did it, but he understood what it was.
I couldn’t respond, I was dumbfounded. It all seemed to hit me at once, I glanced down seeing the waves crashing against the rocks and I flinched causing Razor to hold my wrist tighter. The silver-haired boy made noises of strain, and I became overcome with guilt, it ate at my heart and my stomach leaving me nauseated. Even in my last moments on this earth I was still causing pain for others.
“Razor,” I cried out and he perked up, sighing in relief as he tried to reach out to my arm with his other hand (all while trying to not fall to his death with me). “It’s okay!” I called out, although a smile blessed my face, tears still beaded down my cheeks. I wriggled, trying to escape his grasp, but he held on tighter.
“No! Bennett, wait!” wait? wait for what.
And then it dawned on me, Razors eyes were closed and he was mumbling something incoherent under his breath. A prayer to Lord Barbatos. “No! Razor! Please-“ My voice broke off at the end and I cringed at the way it got higher. I struggled to break myself free from his grip, he had to let go eventually, I could feel myself slipping as his palms got clammy. As if on queue Razor eyes widened in alert and desperation, staring into mine. And just like that I slipped out of his grasp; once again becoming one with the wind. My body shook from the sheer cold considering I was only dressed in my shorts but I kept my eyes trained on Razor as I fell. I couldn’t hear anything apart from the way the wind thrashed against my ears, and body, and hair, and shorts. And so I closed my eyes, ready for the darkness to come. To escape all of the shitty things I had done.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
“Razor we’re going to need you to calm down, we can’t figure out what happened if you keep getting worked up!” I groaned, turning onto my side squinting against the harsh lights. I could make out Barbara’s voice but it was far too bright to see anything.
“Bennett lupical. Must see Bennett.”
“I understand that but—“
“Please, Razor see Bennett?”
My tongue darted out of my mouth and attempted to wet my chapped lips, but it seemed my mouth was as dry as the rest of my body. “Razor, you can see him once you tell us what happened.”
My eyes fluttered open and I drank in the sight of the mostly-white room. I glanced down, my body seemed to be okay, so why was I in the cathedral? I attempted to sit up but a sharp pain shot from the the tip of my toes all the way to my head causing me to double over nearly falling off of the bed.
“Okay. Razor will tell what happened.”
My head hurt like I had repeatedly slammed it into a wall and my eyes welled up with tears at the pain.
“Thank you Razor.”
I mustered the strength to tilt my neck, my eyes widening at the sight of my black and blue back.
“Okay, Razor find Bennett in forest. Bennett crying,” I rested back into the bed, opting to listen to the conversation happening just outside the door rather than continue to subject my body to more pain. I too was curious as to what happened to me. “Bennett say he is fine, don’t believe. Bennett fall asleep in lap.” I could’ve sworn Razors english had gotten better, surely it was bound to when you hang out with someone who talks non-stop. Maybe it was the stress of the situation, my luck must’ve really gave way for me to end up like this.
“Okay, go ahead Razor I’m listening.”
“Yes, however I don’t see how this applies to how he is in hospital.” Oh! That’s Jean, I recognise her voice, she must be outside the door too.
“Well if you guys would stop interrupting, the youngling would get to it.” That’s Master Diluc!
“Sorry, ehe..” Venti too! My luck really has seemed to kick up a storm.
“Razor is getting to it. Razor wake up early to hunt, leave Bennett for short. Come back, Bennett is gone. Use smell to find at Starsnatch cliff.” Upon hearing that the cogs in my brain started to turn and I suddenly remembered just how I had got here.
“Did the ill-starred young man fall?” Fischl? Just how many people were there?
“Mmm.. No. Bennett… he… Jumped..?” Uncomfortable silence fell upon the group and I grimaced at the wording. “Razor see Bennett now?” I don’t think I’m ready to face anyone.
There was a muffled cry and I bit down on my lip, were people really crying over me? “Bennett? Jumped? Why would he do that?” Barbara’s voice was high pitched and shrill and threatened to break at any moment.
“So that’s why you prayed for me to send Dvalin…” I shifted in my bed and a loud creak sounded, everyones voices dying down to a whisper (curse you bad luck). The door clicked open and I stiffened, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to avoid whoever it was that came into the room.
“You’re awake.” I flinched and my eyes shot open, Razor was inches from my face his glowing red eyes boring into mine. “Why.”
I coughed, my eyes looking anywhere but Razors face. The proximity made me dizzy and all of my senses were overloaded with Razor. “It’s kind of complicate—“ My voice was hoarse from disuse and I trailed off when Razor took ahold of my arm his eyes scanning it.
“These… are not from battle. Too,” Razor pondered over his word choice for a moment. Having limited vocabulary made it hard to communicate practically anything. “straight...” I nervously bit down on my lip, my eyes trailing to the scars he was talking about, before the wolf-boy used his other hand to grab hold of my chin and make me meet his eyes. “Bennett did this?” Archons above I shouldn’t be feeling attracted to the way he was holding my chin and staring at me with such intensity. Especially right now of all moments. I locked that thought away deep into the back of my mind and threw away the key, feeling guilty for even thinking it in the first place.
“Yes..” My voice was barely a whisper and despite wanting to look anywhere but Razors eyes, it was the only thing I could seem to look at.
“Bennett, why. Raz- I do not understand.” Razor let go of my chin opting to snuggle his nose into the crook of my neck. “Bennett explain to I.”
“Me.”
“Bennett explain to… me.” I laughed weakly, my lungs aching at the sensation. My face burnt a bright red, resembling a jeuyun chilli as Razor spoke against my neck; his lips every so often brushing against my skin.
“Sometimes… I get sad, Razor..”
“I know.”
“But it’s worse than sad, I feel like i’ve deserved every bad thing done to me; like my luck was some way of the Archons fixing a mistake they had made by putting me here—“ Razor growled against my neck, wrapping his arms around me.
“Bennett not mistake.” Razor shifted, crawling into the space next to me, his arms tightening their hold.
“Ouch! Razor everything hurts please be careful.”
“Sorry. Come.” He loosened his hold on me, nudging me so that my head was against his chest and I could hear his heartbeat. I felt safe in his arms, but at the same time felt guilty. Razor didn’t truly know what he was doing. The longing I felt for him only increasing everyday. “Bennett continue.”
“Okay… Well. Sometimes I don’t know what to do it feels like the only thing I can do is hurt myself. Because.. the universe is always hurting me so maybe… I don’t know.” Tears built up in my eyes again and I struggled to breathe, forcing them back.
“I get it. No one sees Bennett nice. They just see bad luck, they don’t see Bennett’s smiles, don’t think about Bennett’s feelings. Bennett is nice. Bennett helps all.” I choked back a sob, my arms clinging to Razors shirt. He’s not one to talk a lot, communicating in nods and grunts and 3 word sentences. Did he really think that about me..? “Sorry. Did Razor say bad?”
“No! No.. It was perfect. Do you.. mean that?” I shuffled closer to his chest my tears soaking the material of his shirt.
“Yes. Bennett me lupical—“
“My.”
“Too many. Just say Razor; Bennett Razor lupical. Razor always care about Bennett, Razor protect Bennett.”
“I’m sorry I’m crying all over your clothes.”
“Don’t mind. Like shirt soggy.” A giggle rose from my throat and I smiled into Razors damp shirt despite the wheezing feeling in my throat and the pain in my ribs.
“I really like you.” I paused, the words escaping my lips before I even realised I was saying them.
“Mhm. Bennett Razor lupical.” I inwardly groaned. I finally had the courage to admit it and Razor didn’t even understand what I was saying.
“No— Razor I like you. Like— Like a crush-“
“What is a crush?”
“Uugghh it’s like.. Oh! I know, wolves… they have…mates..?”
“Yes. Mate is wolf partner for life. Protect.”
“I… Like you… like a mate.” Razor pondered for a moment and I instantly regretted the words after they came out of my mouth. Who was I kidding, why would Razor even consider me as a “mate”. That’s lifelong bad luck stuck to your hip.
“Oh… Bennett love Razor?” I choked on my own spit, who even taught Razor that?
“Uhh- I— Who taught you that?”
“Hmm.. Klee and Lisa.” Of course they did. My crush on Razor was so freaking obvious. “Does Bennett love Razor?” The wolf-boy repeated himself as if I didn’t hear him the first time when I nearly died on my own spit.
“Ahh… I… Yes..?” There was a long pause of silence and for a moment I thought Razor was going to get up and leave. But then he tilted my head to look up at him and he ran his tongue from the bottom of my cheek to the top of my nose. “Oh Archons Razor what are you doing—“
“Affection. To mate.” My face felt like it was on fire.
“So.. You l-love me back?” Razor nodded fervently, snaking his arms around my waist and up the back of my shirt; his fingers dancing on my spine.
“Yes, Razor love Bennett; Bennett is mine.” I bit my lip at the phrase ‘mine’; being razors anything sent my mind reeling.
“Oh! Haha, but humans don’t lick to show affection.” The taller tilted his head, confusion etching his face.
“What do humans do.”
“They, ah… Well they hold hands! And cuddle and they kiss too-“
“Kiss? What is kiss?” I hid my face against Razors chest in panic, having to explain these concepts to him made my heart beat fast and my fingers feel tingly and butterflies swarmed my stomach.
“It’s when… It’s kind of like a lick,” My voice was muffled against Razors chest and he noticed, prying one hand away from my back to lift my chin to look at him.
“Can’t hear. Repeat. …please.” He really had no shame or concept of embarrassment. I wish I was more like him.
“Soo.. It’s ah.. uh- It’s kind of like a lick, but it’s on the,” I pointed to my lips, Razors eyes following. “lips. And you use ur lips and you… it’s kind of hard to explain let me-“ I shaped my hands into little puppet faces and made them kiss. “That! But the things touching is your lips, do you get it?” I glanced up at Razor who was smiling softly at the little hand gestures I was making to try to explain kissing.
“Cute. Kind of understand, Bennett teach.”
“I’m cute?— Wait! Bennett what!!?” I blinked up at the unfazed male, my face probably looking as hot as it felt. “You want to kiss me? Are you sure… We don’t have to do that we just started— Like—“
“Bennett kiss Razor. Please.”
“Ufggmmmm” I whined, my fingers shaking from how nervous I was. I’ve never kissed before I barely even know how myself! How could I teach Razor?
“Bennett not want to?”
“No! Nonono!! I really want to- I have for ages, really. I’m just… shy..?”
“Oh.. Okay. Razor will kiss Bennett.”
“Huh—hmmmffphh” Before I could protest Razor pressed his lips to mine, bringing one of his hands to my cheek so that he could hold me in place. After the initial shock finished setting in I found myself kissing back, hesitantly taking control in an attempt to teach him; my hands ran up his chest to cling to the fabric of his shirt. Embarrassingly I ended up moaning into the kiss causing Razor to break his lips away.
“What..? Bennett made a noise?” He spoke, his tongue darting out of his mouth to lick his lips.
“It’s— I— ahh… Please don’t do that,” The wolf-boy froze, looking at me confused. “It’s just distracting, watching you… uhh.. well, lick your lips after ki-kissing me..”
“Hmm.. Okay. Sorry.” Razor looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer his first question.
“It’s— Well, the noise I made… it wasn’t because it was bad— Have? well.. Have you ever uhh.. P-pleasured yourself?” I cringed at what came out of my mouth, surely there was a better comparison?
“…Razor do not understand.”
“Like..” I balled one of my hands into a fist before jerking it up and down, trying to imitate ‘self-pleasure’.
“Oh. Ohhhhh I see. You make noise you want me to..?” Razors hand trailed down and began reaching into my shorts.
“WHAT OH MY ARCHONS RAZOR—“ I enclosed his hand with both of mine, bringing it up to my chest. “No! No— Gods no; I meant that the noise I made… was because I felt good.” Razor eyed me wearily before breaking out in a smile and giggling his boyish laugh.
“Oh Razor gets it. Sorry, Benny.” He ruffles my hair with his unoccupied hand, beaming down at me, and for a moment it feels like things might just turn out fine.
Sure; my bad luck still persists, and sure some days are going to be tougher. But I guess I know deep down that I have friends that care; they care about me. :)
And on that note Barbara (and almost the entirety of Mondstadt) burst through the door. “Why on earth would you do that?? Do you know how reckless that w—“
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
Yeah. Maybe everything was going to be okay.