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This was too much.
Kenma glanced around Shouyo’s living room, taking in how many people there were. It was Shouyo’s birthday, and he had invited Kenma, and a few other friends, over to celebrate. He had been a bit conflicted about whether he would go or not. On the one hand, he wasn’t good with crowds, Shouyo himself was a bit overwhelming for Kenma. But he was a friend, and he said that there would only be a few other people coming over. Reluctantly, he had agreed to come, but now he couldn’t help but regret his choice. Shouyo always meant well, but he could be a bit oblivious.
Taking in all the different faces, Kenma supposes that yes this is a few people as in it’s not one of those parties where the whole school shows up. But then, it’s enough people that Shouyo’s room is too small to hold them all so they had taken over the living room and kitchen. Kenma did technically know most of his friends. They were all apart of the Karasuno volleyball team, but he couldn’t say that he’s really gotten to know them. Many of them are...intense. The team’s setter wasn’t the only one who had a personality that make Kenma nervous. Their libero and one of their spikers...Tanaka if he remembered correctly. They were both very forward, and it made Kenma uncomfortable even if they meant well.
But it was someone else there that especially made Kenma squirm. He was tall, blonde, and wore glasses. Kenma knew him as Tsukishima, but had heard one of the boys call him Tsuki. The guy was smart, and he didn’t have a loud personality like some of the others did. He hadn’t even really said anything to Kenma. But Kenma couldn’t help but observe the other. He had this particularly bad attitude towards his friends. He was quick to make sharp remarks at the others’ expense, and didn’t hesitate to offend any of them.
To be frank, the teenager made Kenma extremely uncomfortable. He knew Tsukishima was Shouyo’s friend, and he knew that he was just some kid from another school. But at the same time, Kenma was terrified that the next thing that came out of the boys mouth would be at his expense. Kenma knew that if he kept quiet and didn’t draw attention to himself, then Tsukishima probably wouldn’t bother him. He didn’t seem like someone who went out of his way just to insult other people, he just didn’t seem to like the personalities of his fellow teammates. After all, he was pretty nice to the boy with the freckles.
None of the rationalizing helped Kenma though. His stomach hurt and he wanted to go home. He wanted to be alone in his room. He wanted to be lying on his bed, playing a video game. He wanted the familiar feeling his own home gave him. He wanted the constant noises of everyone else’s talking to stop.
And suddenly, Kenma felt as if he couldn’t breathe. Nothing bad had happened, but he couldn’t help the anxiety crawling up his back and over his shoulders. His stomach felt heavy and his skin crawled. Everything was suddenly so far away, and he didn’t know what to do. Everyone else was still talking and laughing as they always were. No one seemed to notice he was breaking down, which Kenma was thankful for. If they all started to fuss over him it would only make things worse.
This is too much.
Kenma was thinking of excusing himself to the bathroom to hide out for the rest of the evening. Before he could, however, his phone vibrated. There was a text message from Kuroo.
You doing okay? The message read. How should he reply? Yes? But he wasn’t really, and he didn’t want to lie to Kuroo. But he didn’t want to say no either. He wanted Kuroo to think that he was getting better with people.
After Kenma was invited to Shouyo’s party, Kuroo had asked him if he wanted to hang out that same day. That’s how he knew that Kenma was here today, as he had to explain why he declined. Kuroo looked pretty happy that he was turning him down in favor of a larger crowd, and had encouraged him to go when he was unsure.
Kenma guessed it was only natural Kuroo messaged him to check up on him. He usually did when he knew Kenma would be in any kind of social situation. Kenma remembered when he was in his third year of middle school, and Kuroo was in his first year of high school; when they were in separate buildings. Kuroo had texted him during his classes to make sure everything was going fine. And even though in some ways it made him feel a bit like he was being treated like a child, the action couldn’t help but calm him down and fill him with the warmest happiness. He wasn’t sure if it was the messages that was causing these feelings, or the fact that it was Kuroo, his best friend and maybe the only person he felt completely safe around, who was sending them.
He hadn’t replied, and had received another message after a few minutes.
Kenma? And still the setter couldn’t think of what to say to his friend. He began to type the reply: “Yes I’m okay, just bored” but erased it. He stared at his phone for another moment, before the screen showed him that Kuroo was typing. Just then, he realized that Kuroo had probably seen that he was typing a message that he never sent.
Do you want to go home? Yes, of course he did. Anytime he wasn't at home, he wanted to be home. But now, with his social anxiety weighing down on him, his desire was even stronger. He couldn't breathe here, with all these people. It was all very overwhelming for him.
“I’m going to get us some snacks,” Shouyo said as he stood up from the floor they were all seated around. Almost everyone chimed in with a specific request for the birthday boy to bring in. But Kenma was still having trouble focusing on anything that wasn’t his phone right now.
“Kenma, do you want anything?” Shouyo asked with a smile. Kenma glanced into his gaze for a moment before darting his eyes back down. Snacks, right. What would everyone else had asked for?
“Uhm, chips are fine.” With a nod, Shouyo left the room. And suddenly Kenma felt as if he was in a room with strangers. And in the same moment, he felt exposed; as if he was in his underwear in the middle of the street. Yes, he wanted to go home. He wanted to crawl under his blankets, and hide in the safety of them for ten years. He wanted the familiar scent of his own home in his nose.
And with that, he sent a short Yes to Kuroo. Shouyo came back in with snacks, small arms barely big enough to hold everything he was carrying. Karasuno’s setter chastised him, but still got up to help carry the snacks in. Almost immediately, Kenma’s eyes landed on Tsukishima. He saw the boy whisper something to the boy with the freckles - Yamaguchi? - who chuckled in response. He saw both boys glance at their captain, who was glaring at them, chastising them for their behavior.
Then Tsukishima’s eyes noticed him staring, and caught his gaze, raising an eyebrow in question. Kenma quickly looked away, feeling his anxiety skyrocket. He busied himself with his phone, checking to see if Kuroo had replied. He hadn’t, and Kenma felt a thousand times worse.
This was too much.
Kenma wanted to go home. Badly. His skin crawled with the memory of Tsukishima's gaze. Now though, the guys were settling down to watch a movie. It was some sci-fi/action movie. Generally those kind of movies were Kenma's favorite. Now though he couldn't focus well. Everyone was sitting still and quiet, and he was too nervous to move himself. This sort of thing used to happen to him when he joined the volleyball team in middle school. He didn’t know his new teammates then and when they had their overnight training camps Kenma felt that they were all scrutinizing his every movement. The movie would quiet down and he felt that the rustle of his clothes as he reached over to grab a chip was too loud. He couldn't even eat the food. Chips always seemed to make an obnoxious noise when he chewed them. It wasn’t something he really felt comfortable eating when the room was quiet. As the movie started to reach the strongest points of action and loud explosion sounds, Kenna felt it was safe to eat the crunchy chips as he pleased.
As he grabbed a chip, the climax of the movie occurred. It was some dramatic explosion that would hit all of the main characters. So when it happened in the movie, the director had decided it would be more dramatic if the explosion was this moment of silent ringing while the scene played out slowly. Maybe not interesting, but it seemed to capture everyone's attention well enough. In the same moment the movie went silent, Kenma took a bite of a chip that may as well have been as loud as thunder. He glanced at the other occupants of the room, figuring they had to have noticed how loud that was. No one was looking at him, but it was still hard for him to continue chewing enough to swallow.
This was ridiculous. He was ridiculous. He couldn't even eat chips at his friend's house without getting anxiety. He just wanted to go home.
Kenma quickly -and as quietly as possible - left the living into the kitchen. He leaned on the counter, trying to take subtle but deep breaths to calm down. After he felt that his breathing was regular, he heard footsteps behind him.
It was Karasuno's second setter...Sugawara. He smiled warmly at Kenma as he walked towards the sink.
"Sorry, I just needed a glass of water," The third year pulled two glasses out of the cupboard and filled both with water. He handed one out to Kenma, who slowly accepted it and took a small sip. The cool water helped calm his nerves.
"Is everything okay? I saw you on your phone earlier, and I was worried something happened?"
"Uhm-" Before Kenma could respond, there was a knock on the door. Kenma watched as Shouyo came out of the living room and answered the door. From the kitchen Kenma could see that it was Kuroo.
His cheeks were flushed, and he was slightly out of breath, and sweating. The signs were obvious. Kuroo had been running, but why? Kenma glanced at the clock, reading 11:49. There weren't any buses at this late of an hour. Kenma felt his eyes widen. Kuroo had ran all the way out to Shouyo's neighborhood from theirs. That had to be what...ten miles? That was ridiculous! What was Kuroo thinking?
"I-Is Kenma there? Sorry, it's important," it was about all Kuroo could breathe out. Kenma knew that his captain was athletic, but he wasn't a marathon runner. Even if he could run a mile in 10 minutes, it would still take him almost two hours to make it here. Not to mention that with each mile he must have lost energy and thus had less speed.
Shouyo looked back at him, and his gaze shook Kenma from his thoughts. He walked up to Kuroo, and wordlessly handed him the glass of water that Sugawara had initially given him. Kuroo accepted it with a gracious nod and gulped its contents down. In that time, Sugawara had walked up with the rest of them.
After Kuroo had emptied his glass, Sugawara held out an open hand, "I can take that for you." Without missing a beat, Suga continued, "Come on Hinata, Kenma needs to leave."
"What?" And Kenma had never felt so responsible for such a crestfallen expression. "But it's my birthday! Why can't he stay?" Shouyo pouted. Kenma felt guilt wash over him. Yes he did want to go home, but that didn't mean he wanted to hurt Shouyo. He still wanted to be friends, he just couldn't deal with all the people right now.
Though he was trying to be subtle, Kenma noticed Suga pinch Shouyo's arm. Still, something seemed to pass between the two and suddenly Shouyo didn't look so troubled.
"R-right, sorry your friend did say it was important," he glanced at Kuroo. "Thanks for coming over though! I'm really glad you came. Make sure you come over again, okay?" Kenma nodded, but didn't look the boy in the eye. He liked hanging out with Shouyo, and he wanted to come back. Just maybe without so many people next time.
After their goodbyes, Kuroo and Kenma fell into step together as they began to walk home. For a while, they were silent. Usually silence between them was comfortable, but Kenma felt embarrassed. He didn't know what to say to Kuroo, he was too ashamed at what had just happened to speak about it, but he couldn't just ignore what Kuroo just did for him.
Before he could say anything though, Kuroo spoke first. "Do you want to talk about it?" He glanced down at Kenma.
Kenma gave a small shrug as he looked down. He didn't really, but he almost felt as if Kuroo deserved to know since they were friends. Kuroo saw Kenma's shrug and looked away, giving Kenma his space.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to." Kenma nodded, it was impossible for him to say anything. Then Kuroo lifted an arm to scratch at the back of his neck.
"I'm sorry. I know we were talking about this a while ago and I said you should go. I feel sort of responsible." Kenma could only look at him aghast.
"Why are you apologizing? I'm just...not good with people," Kenma shrugged again and looked up at him, "that's not your fault."
They fell into a comfortable silence. They walked for half an hour before Kenma spoke up again.
"Kuroo," he glanced down at the setter, but Kenma was looking at the ground, "thank you...for coming to get me."
Kuroo couldn't hold back the fond smile his face wore. "You’re so cute.” Kenma felt his face heat up and his heart pound at Kuroo’s words; he mumbled a quiet ‘shut up’ which caused Kuroo to chuckle.
“But don’t worry about it,” And with that one statement, Kenma felt all the day’s embarrassment fall away from his shoulders. It was ridiculous how five simple words could seem to make his anxiety just fall off of his shoulders. After knowing each other for so many years, Kuroo always knew exactly what to say to calm Kenma down. And even if they proceeded to fall into a comfortable conversation with each other, Kenma’s heartbeat never stopped racing when he caught sight of Kuroo’s gaze.
It was hours before they reached Kenma’s house. They had walked at a slow pace with each other, enjoying the other’s company. They reached the house in the earliest hours of the day, and had to sneak in quietly in order to avoid startling Kenma’s mother.
“Hey, go on and lay down, I’m just going to get a quick shower,” Kuroo said when they made it to Kenma’s room. They were both exhausted from the walk and late hour.
“Kuroo wait, my mom’s sleeping. It’s not a big deal, just sleep first and shower in the morning.” Kenma said. In response, Kuroo peeled off his t-shirt and flung it in the younger boys face.
“Smell that?” Kenma could tell that Kuroo had worked up a sweat, his day clothes smelled just like his uniform after practice. Kenma couldn’t glorify his friend’s sweat into something pleasant smelling, but it did hold familiarity with all of the practices they had had together, “I ran like 10 miles, even if you can live with the smell, I can’t. And your mom should know that you’re home anyways, so I don’t think she’ll mind being woken up. Besides, after today I think you’d like some time to yourself?” Kuroo raised an inquisitive eyebrow while a smirk crawled onto his face.
Kenma said nothing, but it was a good enough reply for Kuroo. He pulled some extra clothes that he always kept at Kenma’s place and carried on into the bathroom. Kenma, meanwhile, had changed into his bed clothes and laid down in his bed.
Instantly, his whole body just melted into the mattress. He was finally all alone, and in his own house too. Everything around him was familiar, and after the day he’s had, Kenma couldn’t have asked for more. He liked looking at his ceiling high bookshelf full of various video games. He liked how there were more than he cared to count, but could name them all off of the top of his head. Kenma liked how his laundry was carelessly flung on an old chair in the corner of the room. He liked how he could see Kuroo’s house from his window; how he could see the small but bright light of a single candle that Kuroo’s family lit in honor of a friend of his parents that had passed away at a young age.
Even if Kuroo was Kenma’s best and closest friend, Kenma still felt most content when he was only in his own company. He felt secure in Kuroo’s presence and trusted him too, but Kenma would probably always need time to himself. He was immensely thankful that Kuroo seemed to understand that himself, and was even willing to go out of his way to give Kenma that time.
It wasn’t long before Kenma’s mother awoke from the sound of the running water. She took a bit longer to make it to his room, and he had to wonder if she had checked the bathroom in search of him first. In his own privacy, Kenma chuckled at the thought of his mom walking in on Kuroo naked in the shower.
There was a quick knock on his door before his mother open the door, “Kenma?” She still looked half asleep, her eyes squinting from the light on in his room. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail and her bed clothes were rumpled.
“I’m okay, Kuroo brought me home. Sorry that he woke you,” He knew what she would ask, and thought it’d be better to answer her quickly so that she could go back to bed. She had to work in the morning and was probably tired. Still though, she walked into his room and sat on the edge of his bed. She started to run her fingers through his hair, like she usually did after he had a day like today.
“Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve given you a ride,” Kenma simply shrugged his shoulders, not sure how to reply to her question, “I love you,” she said after another moment of petting his hair.
“I love you too,” he replied. His mother pulled her hand away, and kissed his forehead.
“Get some sleep,” She whispered and walked out and back to her bedroom.
Kuroo eventually returned to Kenma’s room freshly washed and in a pair of clean sweatpants. He tossed the day’s clothes onto Kenma’s own pile of laundry. He glanced at Kenma and seemed mildly surprised that Kenma was still awake.
“You’re still up?” He inquired as he stalked his way to Kenma’s bed. He seemed to think better of it before he turned around and switched the light off before continuing on his original path.
Kenma's eyes took a moment to adjust to the dark room. The neighborhood had street lights that very faintly gave some light to his room, but not much.
“I was waiting for you to finish." Kenma slid to the one side of his bed towards the wall. He had never admitted it aloud, but he loved sleeping pressed in between Kuroo and the wall. Nothing in the world felt as safe to him. Naturally, Kuroo seemed to know too.
"Yeah? You're getting too dependent on me. Do you even sleep when I'm not here?" Kuroo crawled into bed next to him, and pulled the blanket over both of them. Kenma's eyelids were beginning to drop. “I bet you’re too busy playing some game that you don’t even notice that night has come and gone and that the sun is rising.” Kuroo continued in a softer tone. They both smiled because they knew that what Kuroo said had been true. Kuroo wrapped a heavy arm around him and Kenma curled into his embrace.
Kenma felt Kuroo pull him closer and place a quick kiss on the top of his head. Kenma was a bit shocked and embarrassed. Above his shy feelings, though, Kenma couldn't help but notice just how...right it felt to be with Kuroo. Like they should always be together, how natural it felt to be together. They were best friends, and Kenma couldn’t remember a time before he and Kuroo started to do everything together. He couldn’t imagine a day where they wouldn’t. Kenma thought of how perfect Kuroo was for someone like him; how he knew when he needed Kuroo, and when he needed to be alone too. Warmth surged through Kenma and he pulled back and away from Kuroo.
Kuroo's hold on Kenma immediately loosened and he barely managed to mumble out a quick 'sorry' before Kenma placed a hesitant and gentle kiss on Kuroo's lips. Kuroo tightened his arms again and kissed back, and Kenma's heart raced. He remembered how this kiss might have been something that Kuroo didn’t even want, and how they hadn’t really talked about their feelings for each other. Kenma loved how there wasn’t a moment that Kuroo made him feel as if he was anything but absolutely and wholly loved by his best friend. As Kenma felt Kuroo’s warm lips on his, he realized that he wasn't really sure what to do, he had never kissed anyone before and didn't want Kuroo to tease him about it later. But the kiss was short and innocent; it was late and they were both exhausted. Kenma slowly pulled away and they shared one more quick peck before Kenma curled back into Kuroo's chest. They didn't say anything, and didn't need to.
Kenma closed his eyes and felt how warm Kuroo was wrapped around him. He knew that this is where he should have been that night. This was where he belonged. Kenma drifted off into sleep and dreamt of sly grins and messy hair, happy to be home.