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Dongsik looks at Juwon; really looks at him. His eyes, bloodshot from crying to his nose bridge tinged pink from the cold and his bottom lip quivering while he tugs it between his teeth to stop it from doing so.
“If you're going to punish your father, then you can’t catch a flu, Juwon-ah... let’s go inside,” Dongsik whispers and reaches for Juwon's shoulders. But, remembering that Juwon doesn’t like being touched, pulls back and instead reaches for the hem of his trenchcoat. Juwon is fragile right now and so, Dongsik will be extra tender; to not scare him off.
Juwon looks at where Dongsik's hand rests and drags his eyes back up to meet the man in front of him. Dongsik looks tired; weary in fact. His usual smile is nowhere to be found and Juwon almost wishes it was there instead of that vulnerable look in his eyes. Juwon can’t stand how patient Dongsik is right now. Right above his heart, there is a little feeling, like someone took a hot knife and seared it right on the skin. It hurts very much and he suddenly feels like balling up and crying his heart out, right on Dongsik’s garden path. His temples throb and his throat aches from stifling his sobs and so he allows himself to be dragged inside.
Dongsik's house is quiet. And warm. Yellowish light pools in from the streets and the rain bellows down outside, louder, louder, louder.
“Your jacket, Juwon-ah, do you want me to help?” he peers up at Juwon and gestures at him, as if trying to make him understand how much he wants to take care of him. Dongsik wants to wrap him in a blanket and make sure he’s warm and not shivering like this and he really wishes his eyes weren’t swollen and he really, really wishes Juwon would stop looking at him as if he were a wolf and Juwon was a lamb ready to be devoured bone by bone.
Juwon lets out a muffled cry and peels the jacket off, throwing it to the side and sinking to the floor. “Ah, please,” he chokes out, hand coming to rest on his chest. He rocks forward and draws in a deep breath only to let out a strangled laugh.
He bows his head to the floor, “Please, please, it hurts so much, make it stop.” He’s fully crying now, tears streaking his cheeks and breaths coming out ragged. His fingernails dig into the wood and the splinters bloody them.
“What hurts? Tell me; tell me Juwon-ah, what hurts?” Dongsik kneels in front of him, arm outstretched and hovering over his shoulder.
“Let me help you,” Dongsik mutters and moves closer, placing his outstretched hand on his shoulder, the other on his chest, gently bringing Juwon back up so he’s sitting cross legged.
He interlocks his fingers with Juwon’s and runs them up and down, carefully tracing the outlines while he pays heed not to brush too strongly on the bruises on his knuckles. When he was out in the rain listening to his father’s confession, he must have gotten angry. He must have hurt himself. They bloom bright red and look angry in the yellow light.
Dongsik will start from here, fixing things up and patching them up, bit by bit.
He seeks out a first aid kit and brings it back.
First: rubbing alcohol-
“This will sting okay, I’ll be gentle but, it will sting okay?” He takes Juwon's hand from his chest and rests it in his lap. Juwon says nothing but sniffles.
Dongsik has been beaten up, has fallen face first into mud, onto rocks and has been slapped too many times, but seeing Juwon absolutely broken and desolate; that makes his heart pain. Yes, Dongsik has known pain but not like this. This one makes him sick and makes his chest feel hollow.
Dongsik should tell Juwon that he worships him, he should tell him how this; the mess Dongsik is and the mess they could be together could be all his if he just asks. He should tell him that seeing him bruised up and beaten down makes him want to take a knife to his chest, but instead he says, “Inspector Han, will you say something please, you’re making me worried?..” Reaching out as if to feel that Juwon won’t disappear, he leans in and whispers this to him, brushing his lips against Juwon’s cheekbones.
A shaky inhale follows and Juwon tugs his teeth back into his lips. Closeness would usually stifle him. But not tonight and not with him. With him, Juwon craves intimacy. He would let Dongsik dig his nails into the skin of his neck, his back, his shoulders, anywhere. He would let him peel him back like a tangerine than let Dongsik move away and the coldness of his own skin consume him. He would let himself be set alight by Dongsik rather than wither away like a flower under piles of snow.
Juwon lets out a strangled sound and rakes his free hand through his hair. It’s knotted and damp and droplets of water fall off his brow. “My heart, it hurts.. it hurts for you and I feel sad and I miss my mom and I want to stay with you tonight, if that’s okay because I don’t want to be alone, not right now.” And then adding, as if an afterthought, “I want to be held, just for once.”
His voice cracks on the last word and suddenly, Han Juwon who usually feels like he could eat the sun raw, suddenly feels as if he’s being burned by the sun and can do nothing about it. He’s pointing at his chest now- at his heart; the desperate act of someone trying to be understood.
It's as if these feeble gestures come from a child, a child who’s explaining to his parents there’s a monster under his bed, or explaining to the school nurse why he needs a bandaid for a paper cut. It’s as if to telepathically tell Dongsik, “Fix me up here; start here, I'll help you and we can make a house together, right here in my heart. And it will be warm all the time! We can start here and I’ll stay with you and if you leave, I’ll follow you, you know I will, I always will, Dongsik, I love-”
Dongsik has not acknowledged what Juwon blurted out and continues to hum an off key song. by the time he gets to the end of the tune, Juwon’s hand is bandaged.
“You don’t need to ask to stay with me, when you say it like that it sounds like I kicked you out in the first place,” Dongsik adds a resigned laugh before finally sighing out and adding, “Aren’t you the one who lives in my basement Juwon-ah?”
Juwon stares at Dongsik, eyebrows furrowed and face puffy from tears. His mouth hangs open in surprise or contemplation or endearment.
“Your ears are pink,” Dongsik observes and reaches up to touch them, but Juwon grabs his hand before he can.
His eyebrows furrow even more before he brings his hands up to Dongsik's face. His hands tremble but he tries his best to cup the older man’s face, “I’m sorry, hyung, really,” he whispers out, voice quiet, “I push and push and push and then we both get hurt, I’m really so stupid sometimes.”
Dongsik regards Juwon, lips drawn into a line before saying so, so quietly, “Haven’t you hurt enough tonight? Will you allow me to hug you Mr.Inspector Han?”
Juwon nods and tears start streaking down his face.
Dongsik takes Juwon into his arms and rubs his shoulders, his arms, and his back.
“Shh, Juwon-ah it’s okay now, you’re safe, we’re safe, breathe, breathe, 1, 2, 3,” Dongsik cooes words of protection into Juwon’s ears, reassures him and promises to take care of him.
Juwon had promised to drag his father down to hell with him, but he does not know that if anything had happened to Juwon, Dongsik would have ripped the world apart, burnt every piece of it down and not died until he punished those who had hurt his Juwon, his wildflower, his saviour.
His fingers run up and down his spine, his clothes still wet from the rain so it clings to his skin. Juwon is warm underneath his shirt, his breaths coming out in ragged pants on Dongsik's neck.
Juwon's skin is on fire. It tingles, it’s alive and it breathes. Juwon feels as if he was rebirthed; here with Dongsik’s hands all over him, he feels as if he knows what it is like to live, not to live again, because up to this point in life, he had never been living. He was just drifting along, like a reed in still water.
“Let's get you cleaned up, okay?” Dongsik mutters as he absentmindedly tucks a strand of Juwon's hair behind his ear. “Let's get you into something warm,” Dongsik tilts Juwon's face up to him with a hand on his chin so that Juwon can see him, letting him see how much Dongsik cares for him.
“Mhm,” Juwon resignedly agrees and drags himself up.
---------------------------------
Dongsik had let him go first. He drew the bath and laid out fresh towels on the counter near the sink. One of Dongsik’s faded out band tee was on top of the towel with a pair of sweatpants. There was a new bar of soap and a new toothbrush.
Allowing him to use the bathroom first was one of the little mercies Dongsik had allowed Juwon tonight. He knew Juwon didn’t like germs, he knew Juwon liked clean bathrooms, he knew how even though Juwon’s own father had taken Yuyeon from him, Dongsik would not punish him like he thought he deserved to be. Even Though they were both grieving; Dongsik for Yuyeon and Juwon for his pathetic excuse of a father, Dongsik was still being merciful.
Dongsik had let him use the bathroom first and at this thought, Juwon's eyes welled up with tears.
“Juwon-ah please stop crying, you’ll stain my floors,” Dongsik gently rapped on the door and then his footsteps started fading away.
The click of a tea kettle was heard.