Work Text:
Juwon finished showering, and thumped out of the bathroom. He had spent forty five minutes there. He hoped his eyes were not red, because if they were he would not be able to lie and say he was showering for all forty five minutes. How much time he had spent crying there he would not reveal to Dongsik even if he asked.
Would Dongsik grant Juwon this other little mercy? The mercy of hiding his pain? Pain he was not ready, or in fact too scared to share. Emotions are better left concealed. Suddenly, Juwon feels very embarrassed at his outburst earlier.
But Dongsik did not ask. Instead he looked up at him, gestured at the kettle behind him, “The water’s hot if you want some tea,” took in the sight of his clothes on Juwon’s body, gulped and turned around to the bathroom.
“He's probably cold and needs to shower quickly,” thought Juwon, searching the kitchen for a cup and tea bags.
-------------------------------------
Juwon had found teabags and a pack of biscuits on the counter. He wondered if he should make something for them to eat.
Ramen? Would Dongsik like some ramen now? But where was the ramen? Maybe he could make some rice? He opened the fridge to find some kimchi and a pack of beer. He looked up at the clock; 2 AM. No alcohol now, he decided and closed the fridge door.
Juwon is buzzing. He needs something to do, someone to talk to right now. He needs somewhere to put his hands and somehow, he knows that Dongsik would gladly take them into his and kiss them. His head is a mess right now and this thought in it’s rawness surprises him. How on Earth could he want love and gentleness but be afraid to reach out for it?
Speaking of the devil, Juwon thinks as Dongsik trudges out of the bathroom, towel in hand, drying his hair off. His hair is messy and tousled and it takes all of Juwon's strength not to gape at him.
He smiles his signature cat-like grin at Juwon, “Juwon-ah, why is it whenever you see me, your ears are always burning?” He gently rests the towel on a chair and closes the distance between them.
Their breaths mingle together as Dongsik reaches up to his ears. This time, Juwon lets him. He'd let him do anything to him right now. The wide smile is now gone and instead Dongsik’s mouth parts slightly as he runs his finger behind Juwon's ear and traces his jawline. Juwon can see his tongue running over his teeth, slightly hidden by his lips.
“Beautiful, so beautiful,” he breathes out. One eyebrow goes down as he looks up at Juwon, “Did you hear me, Juwon-ah?”
“Oh. you!..I’m not, how..”
“You are; you are so, so beautiful, my Juwon.”
Juwon's eyes scrunch up as he stares at Dongsik. He grips Dongsik’s wrist in his. And just stares at him. For a long time.
He tucks his lip between his teeth and his eyebrows have furrowed, framing his eyes and making him look a bit like an angry cat in Dongsik’s eyes. How cute. He’s thinking, Dongsik notes carefully.
He throws Dongsik’s wrist away with an exasperated sigh and rests his head on his chest. Juwon can hear Dongsik's heartbeat like a lullaby, constant and steady. Dongsik can feel Juwon's breath on him and can smell his shampoo.
They stay like that for a moment before Juwon decides they’re too far apart. He takes Dongsik's hand in his and drags their bodies together, so that the fabrics of their clothes press against each other. His other hand rests on Dongsik's waist. He brings his hand to his lips and kisses every knuckle. His hands tremble and his lips tug downward.
This is how he’ll apologise for everything he’s put Dongsik through. One kiss for every grievance. This is for accusing you of killing Yuyeon, this is for accusing you of killing Minjeong, this is for accusing you of killing Jinmook.
This is his repentance. Dongsik is the pew and he is the devotee.
“Juwon-ah stop that,” Dongsik says finally and pulls his hand away. Juwon looks up, face painted with shades of emotion; rejection, sadness, shame. He feels so, so foolish right now.
“Don’t do this because you feel guilty; I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore,” Dongsik adds. Now it’s his turn to take Juwon’s face in his, “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore.”
There’s a moment of silence between the two. No- one says anything. If someone were passing outside and looked in, they would think it was two statues facing each other. Juwon’s face switches through arrays of emotions, anger, confusion, frustration, need, before finally settling on sadness. He seems to like this shade these days. “Dongsik-ssi, I’m tired; can we go to sleep now?”
He sighs and nods, “Bed, Juwon-ah, let’s go.”
He takes Juwon’s hand in his and leads them to his sofa bed. He pulls the bed out, fusses over the blankets and pillows and then finally settles himself on the furthest end, turning his back on Juwon.
There are tears in Juwon’s eyes but he forces a smile and nods, lying down on the opposite side from Dongsik. There is at least a foot of space between them and the air is tense. No one speaks.
Then, “I’m sad, can you please, just this one time, this one time, can you just hold me?” Juwon rests a light hand on Dongsik’s waist as he turns his body towards him, not closing the distance but pleading with his eyes and hands.
Dongsik exhales only to sharply inhale as he turns around. Facing him is Juwon, face tear stained and sorrowful in the pale yellow light. Dongsik watches Juwon watch him. It's as if their faces are mirrors. This is the beauty of grief. Grief is formed in so many different ways, but, it still manages to manifest itself into a sadness so large and so uncontainable that fellow victims cannot help but recognize each other. They are the products of unresolved grief. A griet so tumultuous it consumes and breathes.
“I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want you; I always have,” Juwon begins quietly. He’s avoiding Dongsik’s eyes and continues, “It’s repentance, yes, I feel guilty, yes, but I still care for you.” He’s choking on his words, but forces them out nonetheless, “If someone were to hurt you, I would hurt them; it's not just guilt, I want to watch over you, wake up to you, make you happy, I want to give you everything I have because Dongsik, I really, really care for you.
Juwon is trembling and Dongsik takes him in his arms for the second time tonight. Juwon fits his head into the crook of Dongsik’s neck. Dongsik sighs at the man in his arms, a small smile beginning to take root. He traces his fingers on Juwon’s tender spot; the area where jaw meets neck.
Ever since this little prince barged into the Manyang police station all dressed up in suits with a taste for revenge, Dongsik had been intrigued with him. He wanted to get to know him and little by little and this curiosity turned into yearning and eventually into wanting.
Juwon pushed and broke him. But he didn't take the parts he broke away. instead Juwon replaced the missing parts with pieces of himself. Dongsik had too. They had broken pieces off of each other; pieces that hadn't fit together right over time and had replaced them with the other's parts. They were reconstructing each other and patching one another up.
“We can start slowly," Dongsik says finally.
Juwon nods, taking Dongsik's hands and tracing patterns on them. He brings his wrist up to his lips and kisses it, feather light and gentle.
Dongsik, enamored by this little act of love, brings his hands up to Juwon's face, parts his hair and kisses Juwon's forehead. Juwon lets out a shaky breath.
They both take turns showering each other with love. Dongsik thinks Juwon's eyes are the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He loves the way they glint when he's excited and the way they devour him when Juwon thinks he's not looking.
Juwon adores Dongsik's cheekbones so he plants a kiss on the sharp bone. Then another, lower and lower until he's gotten to his jawline. He lets out a shaky breath as he feels Dongsik’s hands underneath his shirt; just under the hemline, tracing small circles on the skin there.
Dongsik’s other hand is tracing a finger across his face, from his nose to his lips. Juwon thinks that if Dongsik wanted to rip him apart just to paste him back together, he’d let him; just to feel his calloused hands against his bare skin. Dongsik leans in and hesitates. With his hands all over him, Juwon’s dizzy with love; so, he closes the distance between their faces first. Slowly and gently, their lips meet and dance against each other.
There is a flash of tongue against teeth, hands in hair and lips whispering words of endearment into the other’s ears.
A tear slips from Juwon’s eye.
So, so gentle, Juwon thinks.
This is where I’m meant to be, Dongsik thinks, this is home.