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The Captain walks into Alison and Mike’s room with his head held high and swagger stick grasped firmly in his hands. He clears his throat quickly to alert Alison of his presence, but she can’t seem to hear him over the music she’s playing on her phone, and her back is turned towards the mirror as she applies her makeup.
The Captain is about to walk over to her to say he was on his way to his nightly guard position, when the start of a beautifully melancholic song starts to play and the lyrics stop him dead in his tracks.
~
We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtains fall
I’ll never be enough
~
The heart-aching lyrics instantly stab at his chest, but he doesn’t have time to react before it continues.
~
As you drive me to my house
I can’t stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can’t be yours and you can’t be mine.
~
His mind is instantly bombarded with memories.
Memories of long ago.
Memories of chestnut hair and sparkling eyes.
Memories of stolen kisses in the privacy of his quarters.
Memories of clasped hands and locked legs hidden beneath the sheets.
Memories of Havers.
His brain is completely fogged with memories of the ache and pure agony of never telling any other soul apart from his darling that he was in love.
When they had to pretend they were nothing more than a Captain and his Lieutenant.
~
But I know this, we got a love that is hopeless
~
They were the truest words he had ever heard sung.
There was nothing in the world, hell the universe, that compared to the pure and utter love he shared with his man.
There was no changing it.
No forgetting and moving on.
He was, and still is, completely and hopelessly enamoured by his William.
~
Why can’t I hold you in the street?
Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish it could be like that
Why can’t it be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours
~
The Captain is overtaken with the memory of Havers teaching him to dance in the middle of the night in the locked CO office.
They had no music, but The Captain could croon softly enough for the both of them.
He’d had two left feet but his darling didn’t laugh, just took his hands into his own and put them onto his waist and led him away.
He begins to feel the tears that are streaming down his face and grits his teeth hard enough to hear them grinding roughly together, bone against bone.
~
Why can’t I say that I’m in love
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish it could be like that
Why can’t it be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours
~
A sob hitches from his throat
~
It's obvious you’re meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I’m in so deep
But I’ll never show it on my face
~
He remembers how they fit together.
Lips locking securely.
Arms wrapping together in a hug just so, both too much and not enough.
Intimate moments of hot skin, roving mouths and the feeling of completion.
~
But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless
~
He feels like he’s dying all over again.
~
Why can’t you hold me in the street?
Why can’t I kiss you on the dancefloor?
I wish it could be like that
Why can’t we be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours
Why can’t I say that I’m in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish it could be like that
Why can’t it be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours
~
He feels his knees give way and crunch harshly against the hardwood floor.
The next lyrics have him so in his head, so sorrowful, that he doesn’t hear Alison's gasp of surprise and worry.
~
I don’t wanna live love this way
I don’t wanna hide us away
I wonder if it will ever change
I’m living for that day, someday
~
He wails as he remembers feeling just like the song describes.
Wanting to be like all other loving and devoted couples.
And now.
And now it's okay.
Now it’s legal.
And his darling isn’t here to celebrate with him.
Isn’t here to hold him in the street.
Isn’t here to kiss him on the dancefloor.
~
When you hold me in the street
And you kiss me on the dancefloor
I wish we could be like that
Why can’t we be like that, ‘Cause I’m yours, I’m yours
~
He can’t hear the sound of Alison screaming out for the other ghosts.
All he can hear is the non-existent blood rushing through his veins.
All he can feel is the tremors wracking his frame.
He doesn’t register his crop clattering onto the floor.
All he can feel is the barely there pounding of his dead heart.
He didn’t know that his heart still worked.
He thought it was too broken.
He thought it was too shattered.
~
Oh, why can’t you hold me in the street
Why can't I kiss you on the dancefloor
I wish it could be like that
Why can't it be like that, ‘Cause I’m yours
Why can’t I say that I’m in love
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish it could be like that
Why can’t we be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours
~
He screams in agony at the loss of the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him.
He doesn’t have it in him to be ashamed or embarrassed that he's acting so emotionally.
That he's acting so out of character.
He has, however, the wherewithal to worry about the others seeing him like this.
This side to him was completely and utterly private.
Nobody but William got to see him like this.
Ever.
He flinches violently when the others enter the room and see him, all gasping as they see their Captain, sobbing and in pain on the floor.
The song ends with two lines that sum it all up into an ugly little parcel.
~
Why can’t we be like that?
Wish we could be like that
~
The silence is deafening, only broken by the hiccups and cries of their poor Captain.
Nobody knows what to do, nobody except Alison has an idea of what's happening.
Not until he whispers out the word.
The singular, telling word that breaks open his carefully builded façade.
The singular word that breaks through over 70 years of repression and suffering.
“ William”