Chapter Text
“I think I like her.”
The sentence echoing in Sirius’ mind was keeping him from listening to the chattering around him. He could hear the same words over and over in Remus’ voice and couldn’t keep his heart from shattering a little more each time.
It was breakfast time. While the four friends were sitting at the Gryffindor table chatting after dessert, a girl from the throng leaving the hall came towards them. Sirius knew her, a fifth-year Gryffindor named Katelyn. Remus was tutoring her since the first week of this year. That was probably why she didn’t sit next to them when she arrived, just thanked Remus with a pleasant smile and walked away with her friends. Remus looked at her until she disappeared in the crowd and suddenly, “I think I like her,” he said. Remus Lupin, Sirius’ best friend and first love, had a crush.
Sirius was trying too hard not to let his emotions out, even as he felt the entire world crumble around him. He could not say anything, his crush was a secret. He knew this would happen to him one day, but he was not ready yet. He had not seen Remus say he had a crush on someone over the years, not even once. Now he was quite casually telling them that he liked Katelyn. Clenching his fists, he got up from the table and left the hall without saying any word to his friends. His appetite was gone anyway.
His steps took him to the courtyard, there were very few people outside. As he sat in a corner and leaned his back against the stone wall, he lifted his head to the sky. He was planning to watch the sky until he noticed the person who probably had been following him all this time. A Slytherin bloke was standing beside him, looking down at him. Sirius knew him, a fifth-year, blond-haired, roughly 6’’3’ tall, Regulus’ friend Dave Jordan. They had never spoken before but Sirius did not like him —not because he was annoyingly tall and giving Sirius some short man complex, of course. He gave him a stern look and asked, “What do you want?” It wasn’t that he was curious, in fact, he just wanted him to get the hell out because right now all he wanted to be was left alone.
“I want to talk.” The bloke spoke with a very ease attitude and sat next to Sirius, without even waiting for an answer.
Sirius was surprised and annoyed. Because he was a Slytherin after all, and Sirius Black did not get along with Slytherins, that is a sure thing. Just as he was about to snap at him, Jordan raised his hand and gestured for him to stop, as if he knew he was about to snap. “This will take a minute. Just listen,” he said and took a deep breath before continuing as Sirius just watched him in confusion. This was so unusual, he was starting to worry and wondering if something had happened to Regulus. He was even forgetting what had just happened with Remus, for a moment. But Jordan had a sad sort of smile on his face, he began to speak.
“I just accidentally overheard the conversations at the table. And uhm… You might still have a chance. You just have to swing into action before it’s too late.”
“What are you even talking about?” Sirius was lost. He tried to decipher the odd expression on the boy’s face, a similar one appeared on his own.
“I’m sayin’ you have to be brave and take a real step before you completely lose Lupin. That’s all… Oh, and don’t ask me how I figured it out!” Jordan looked both nervous and sad. Sirius stared after him as he got up and quickly left him right there with questions. Sirius was frozen like someone had cast a spell on him. Out of amazement and trying to digest what he had heard, he had forgotten to act. How could someone he knew almost nothing about, know something this important about him? He did not even say anything about his feelings for Remus. Not out loud, not even himself. Not once. That was not possible. His head was so full of questions that he lost track of time until he heard Professor McGonagall showing up and scolding him for still lounging outside even though it was time for his next classes.
Sirius still could not find an answer to the questions on his mind. It bothered him that an unreliable stranger had given him relationship advice. It might be a matter of time before he spreads this information to the school, and he did not even want to think about what would happen if it became known that he liked Remus. The problem was not that he had a crush on his best friend, it was that the person he likes was a ruddy boy. It even took years for Sirius to accept who he was and he had no idea how his friends would react.
When they settled down at their tables in the Great Hall for dinner, Sirius’ eyes were searching the Slytherin table for Dave Jordan. He was planning to threaten him to not talk about it with anyone in any case when James nudged him, “Ya lookin’ for Regulus?” he asked as he streaked a hand through his already messy hair. “Mate, did you realize he's more popular than you, even though he’s only fifteen! All the Slytherin birds and even some blokes adore him.”
Sirius’ eyebrows raised as he turned to his friend. It was a pity that James knew more about his brother’s fans than he did, but he did not even realize it at the time. “Some blokes?”
“I heard that one bloke confessed to him,” said James. He checked his surroundings and leaned forward to spill the tea. Peter and Remus also did the same thing to hear him. “A Slytherin named Dave Jordan. You know him, right? They were friends. Anyways, according to Frank, he declared his love to Regulus but was rejected! I wondered if the stupid sod thought Regulus would leave his girlfriend and be with him instead?”
“That’s so sad, mate. Rejection sucks.” Peter, who was experienced in this matter, sighed, it was predictable that the girl who rejected him last year crossed his mind.
“Are they still friends?” Sirius asked. The subjects excited him, he was intrigued. He had never thought before that it would be so useful for James to prevail over all the gossip around.
James frowned. “Yeah, I guess? I don’t think your brother would end a friendship because of this, would he? Jordan has been pretty upset lately, though.”
James’ eyes were now fixed on the Slytherin table, too. He seemed like he wanted to know more. Sirius sighed with relief, somewhat relieved by what he had heard. Apparently, Jordan was sort of a fateful fellow for him and really knew what Sirius was going through. Maybe he would not tell everyone about his secret at all. Sirius had decided to put aside his plan to threaten him and hoped he was not mistaken to trust him.
“Poor boy,” Remus muttered. He leaned back and began to push the broccoli off his plate with his fork. Sirius glanced at him from the corner of his eye, looking thoughtful, but the long-haired boy was more thoughtful than he was. Maybe he should try his luck before it’s too late, as Jordan said. Who knows, Remus might even react in his favour if life ever decided to smile on his face.
Just thinking about it made his stomach pang. While he was impatiently stuffing the food in front of him into his mouth, he did not even realize that he was eating even the broccoli he despises. Likewise, his friends stare at him in astonishment for doing this.
☆
“Oi, mate! Are you on something? What’s up with you?” James asked.
Questioning Sirius’ senseless delirium, James could only get an empty smile from his friend in return. The meal was over and they were on their way back to the tower. Peter was not paying attention to them, he was busy rubbing his stomach and Remus had left earlier to the library to grab some books.
Sirius’ mind swirling with ideas about how to confess Remus. He was not sure about how to do it, but above all, he had to be alone with him, and right now, he had a chance for that. Not only he was too impatient to wait for the next day, but he also could not miss this chance. What if Remus decides to ask Katelyn out tomorrow, then what would Sirius do?
“I’m going to the library,” he said, suddenly. With this statement, his two friends, even someone who was walking close to them and had heard what he said, suddenly stopped walking and turned their gazes to Sirius. Feeling that all the attention had turned to him, the boy ran his eyes over the suspicious faces staring at him. They would never eat that because there was no way Sirius would want to go to the library of his own will. However, Sirius had an excuse. He laughed so as not to arouse any suspicions. “What? Imma help Remus, that’s all. He used a wish. Anyway, see ya later!”
He hurried back down the stairs before his friends could say anything. His excitement increased after every step but he did not slow down, instead, he started to run towards the library. While he was speeding through the dim and empty hallway, he saw his friend walking slowly, unlike him, ahead. He felt like his heart was going to burst. Just as Remus was reaching for the library door, he called out in panic:
“Moony, wait!”
“Sirius? What happened?” Remus asked as he turned to see the gasping boy, he felt a sudden worry. Sirius could barely stop himself as he approached him. He caught his breath for a while, making time for himself to gather his words. When his breathing got a little bit regular, he looked around, no one was around.
“I have something to tell you.”
He was feeling nauseous from his flutter and nervousness when he started to speak. It was terrible to verbalize something that you tried to hide even from yourself for years. It was a big step to suddenly confess his love to Remus, while he had not even revealed to his friends that he was gay. Sirius hesitated for a moment, as if to back out, but then remembered Dave Jordan’s words; You have to take a step before you lose him completely. It was true, he had to try his luck. All these years he was afraid of being rejected. That didn’t suit for a Gryffindor. Behave like a Gryffindor, he encouraged himself. If you don’t want to lose Remus, step up.
He looked at Remus’s curious and worried face, even though it was dark, he could clearly see the boy’s green eyes, making it harder to speak than he thought. He gasped when he thought of the possibility that he might lose the warmth in his gaze, but Sirius kept pushing himself. Whatever happens, he thought.
“I… Don’t want it to be too late for everything.”
He had not even confessed yet, but he was already unable to speak any further. It was as if all the existing words had been erased from his mind and he could not remember them. His mouth was open like he was going to say something, but he could not make a sound. Remus just stood there, waiting for him. After a few seconds of not knowing what to do, Sirius felt that deep desire resurfaces within him. Thus, he was able to realize that he did not need to speak to say it. He took a step and closed the distance between them and did what he had dreamed of for so long; he kissed him. He placed his hands on either side of the boy’s face, bringing their lips together. Remus was not responding, but he was not aware of it. He was finally tasting the lips he had always wondered how it would feel and taste. Moreover, it was much better than he had imagined. Remus’ lips were soft, tasted like after-dinner cherry pie, and he felt like he was chuffed.
Just when he thought he could not feel better, Remus’ hands were placed on his chest and his lips were moving beneath his. His response, when he thought he was going to push him made Sirius question whether he had fallen into heaven or something. For a minute he wanted to be trapped in this right moment, his lips slid over him, but Sirius finally broke the kiss to breathe. As soon as his lips broke, Remus stiffened and pushed Sirius with his hands on his chest, took a few steps back. Feeling like he had woken up from a marvellous dream, Sirius opened his eyes, smiling as if fascinated, but reality slapped him in the face that it was all just a daydream. With his frown brows, Remus looked furious. Sirius’ smile faded, and an indignant voice echoed down the hallway.
“Sirius... You... What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The tone of his voice was enough for the long-haired boy to realize that he had been rejected. He could have sworn his heart was shattering into a thousand pieces as Remus spoke. He could not remember him ever being this angry before, except in the fifth year, and he could not understand why. He lowered his head, disappointed at having convinced himself that it might happen even though he knew it would not, and he was ashamed to have pissed off Remus like that again. The courage that had just made him kiss him, seemed to be gone forever.
“Besides, without asking... It was my... Merlin, I can’t believe you, Sirius!” He was constantly pausing as he spoke like he does not know what to say out of anger. “Fuck off, seriously.”
With Remus’ last word, Sirius’ gaze found him again. His eyes were burning, Remus would not use that word even as a joke. It was not that he was not swearing a lot, he just thought that some words were too harsh to say even for a joke. Yet now, as he said it, he did not seem to care how heavy his words were. He actually looked like he was having some sort of tantrum. His fists were clenched, Sirius was beginning to think he was going to hit him but the boy turned and stormed into the library as he slammed the brass door behind him. There was such a loud noise that Sirius felt that even the ground beneath his feet was trembling. Maybe he was the one who was trembling, not sure which.
He was not even sure how he got to the tower. His vision had been blurred for a long time, even climbing the stairs without tumbling was a feat. As he faced the Fat Lady, he muttered the password weakly and stepped inside after the opening door. The common room was noisy, but all he could hear was humming. He trudged to his dormitory without paying attention to anyone. Since everyone was minding their own business, they had not noticed the already dried tears on his cheeks, nor the tears that had resurfaced in his eyes – except for one. When he entered the empty dormitory, he got into bed without even taking off his robes. He pulled the duvet over his head, as he always did when he had nightmares as a kid. No one could harm him under his sheets; not the monsters under his bed, not his mother, not Remus Lupin.
“Pads?”
He did not make a sound when he heard a soft voice. It was as if the owner of the voice would not see his presence under the covers and would go back. That did not happen. James sat on the edge of his bed, pulled the covers off of him, and asked, “What’s wrong?” His voice was worried and full of anger towards life that made her best mate cry nonstop. Sirius had buried his face between his legs, pulled to his stomach, but at James’ voice he looked up at him. At that moment, another drop of tear escaped from his reddish eyes. He did not say anything either, just kept crying and looking at him with pleading eyes.
“What happened? I’m going to destroy whoever did it. I’ll make them regret being born, just say it.” James was begging desperately now.
“It was me,” he said at last. He could barely speak through his sobs. James frowned, trying to figure out what was going on. “I did it... I’m an idiot…”
☆
Remus had not said a word to Sirius for four days. He must have returned from the library late that evening, Sirius had fallen asleep crying before he had a chance to see him. After that, he completely ignored him. On the other hand, Sirius had been dodging Peter’s inquiries for days, who had been oblivious to everything, but luckily James didn’t come at him. But the long-haired boy was beginning to realize what he had done in the process. It was not fair for him to kiss him without his permission, Remus was right about that. Still, he did not understand what he had done that caused him not to be spoken to for days, even when he had kissed him back. Was he really going to finish with Sirius over because of this? As far as Sirius knew, Remus would not let people out of his life for a single mistake, or at least the Remus he had known so far was.
And the Remus he had known so far was perfect. Despite all he had been through, he was full of life with the scratches on his face that gave him a mysterious vibe, and with his eyes narrowing when he placed his attractive smile on his lips. His eyes, which contained every shade of green, gleamed as he told Sirius what he had learned from the books he had read. In this way, Sirius had learned about almost all medicinal plants. When they could not see each other during the summer holidays, he would send a bunch of ridiculous photos with his letters, and if Sirius did not send him back, he would threaten to curse him whenever they met again. Or when either of them was upset, he would hug Sirius, treating them as if they were each other’s cure. This childhood state was rooted in nights when they both had constant nightmares. Remus Lupin was such a wonderful person that Sirius could not help but fall in love with him. And Remus was still perfect, only Sirius hated missing him.
This new situation between them also made him feel like a stalking pervert. He was watching him all the time, not caring about anything anymore. He hoped that even if he did not speak to him, at least he might look into his face. That was how he started unconsciously staring at him all day long. Worse; he could not take his eyes off his lips when he spoke, and when he looked into his eyes, he thought of the moment he looked at him right before kissing him. The price of knowing the taste of Remus’ lips was heavy, but feeling them was too good to regret.
“Hey,” he called to James who was on the next bed. He finally managed to take his eyes off Remus as he was chatting across Peter. James lay on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He did this occasionally, and usually, no one bothered him, for they knew he was busy making a list of names for his children when he married Lily.
The boy looked up at Sirius. “What have you got now? Please don’t name your forty-first child as any of the Holyhead Harpies members.”
“No, I found a great girl’s name this time! Harriet, what do you think?”
Sirius half smiled and watched his friend rise drowsily from his bed and come over to him. When he sat at the foot of the bed and crossed his legs, Sirius did the same thing, staring at his friend with his slumped shoulders. Remus might have told him what had happened, but still, Sirius had to tell him the truth. even though his reaction frightened him. If James was going to learn this from anyone, it had to be Sirius. When the boy with the glasses looked at him as if to say what’s wrong, he smiled awkwardly at him.
“Don’t look at this as… Being homo,” he said in a low voice. He tried to keep his voice carefree, but he did not want others to hear it either. “But I would like to kiss one bloke.”
“Well... That sounds pretty homo, mate.” James raised one eyebrow.
“But I’m not homophobic!” Sirius got defensive. He had started the conversation so wrong. Still, he thought he could not tell him directly that he wanted to kiss Remus. Rather; that he wants to kiss again. Getting out of the closet was not an easy thing, that’s for sure.
“I’m not homophobic either, but I wouldn’t kiss a bloke.” He looked like he was having fun messing with Sirius.
“Why not?”
“Because... I’m straight, mate.” He shrugged and started looking at the boy in front of him as if he were an idiot. Well, not that he was wrong.
“I’m... I’m straight too. But I’d kiss him anyway... But... If I was gay, uhm... Well... That would be weird, wouldn’t it?” Sirius asked nervously, paying attention to the change in his friend’s expression. Because his answer to that was more important than anything else. He might not be homophobic, but he still had to make sure it would not create any awkwardness between them. After all... like Remus, he could just walk away and stop talking with him. And that was not even the last thing he wanted in life.
“No,” he said. He patted the long-haired boy on the shoulder, smiling. “It wouldn’t be weird at all, mate. Why would it be?”
“Oh,” he muttered. After a sigh of relief, he put a strange smile back on his face. He was still nervous, but at least he felt a little more confident. Although it was very difficult to explain, he convinced himself to continue. “That’s good because... Well, I guess I am?”
James reached over to his friend as if to say something important and put his arm around his shoulder. “Come to my bed tonight, eh?” He whispered, leaning into Sirius’ ear. “Lily doesn’t need to know.” When he pulled back, he was laughing sarcastically. Sirius pushed him by the shoulder.
“Prick,” he laughed. A few of his roommates turned to them as his voice was higher than normal, and James was laughing cheekily. Confessing had been easy, thanks to James’ reaction, but the revelation of so many years of secret still made him nervous. Pulling the duvet over his head to hide his reddening face, Sirius grumbled in a low voice. “Bugger off, I’m going to sleep.”
☆
“Look, Sirius. If you don’t stop starin’ at him like that, he’ll eventually gouge your eyes out. Give him some time, mate.”
Sirius was sitting with James and Peter as he was looking at Remus doing his homework at the table in the corner of the common room. He rolled his eyes as his friend bent over and whispered to him, and after an uncountable amount of time, he took his eyes off Remus. James looked at him proudly and clapped his hands as he had finally succeeded. “He should forgive you,” Peter muttered as Sirius laughed at the gesture. His eyes were flickering between Sirius and Remus too. “What’s the worst you could have done? It’s been almost a week, I miss hangin’ around together.”
“He hates me.” Sirius sighed.
“He doesn’t hate you, you stupid git,” said James. Sirius groaned in pain as he was hit on the back of the head by James. “I spoke to him. He told me he was confused and needed time. You’re going to be okay, impatient bastard.”
Sirius turned to James, wearing puppy dog eyes. He wished he was right because whether he liked him or not, he was missing Remus so much. These boys were everything to him, the only family he had. He could not lose them, especially because of his own stupidity. The long-haired boy grimaced as James stopped messing with his own hair and ruffled Sirius’.
“Did you know,” James said, as Sirius tried to fix his hair futilely, eyes on Remus and grinning from ear to ear. “When you’re not lookin’ at him, it seems that he’s always watchin’ you, too.”