Archive of Our Own

Jisung wished he knew how he came to this point in his life.

It's not like he had always been like this, he is aware of such, but he wondered when things changed.

He wished he could say it started when he dropped out of college, the load of work too overwhelming and the bad grades piling up made him skip lectures and exams altogether because he couldn't deal with the negative feedback. But he knew it started way before that.

But what it was... He didn't know. He couldn't help but feel this way and he was aware it had only been getting worse.

It wasn't like he didn't know that he should get help, quite the contrary, he had even looked into it, but when he saw the bitter prices of therapy and the number in his bank account, his chest only squeezed tighter.

With no college degree in the foreseeable future, he had been working part-time where he could, but things never lasted long.

Jisung wished he could be on time, wished he would be able to suck it up and not just get the fuck out when everything became too much.

Eventually, he gave up searching for any work that demanded him to get out of the house for more than twenty minutes - the time he needed to quickly do some basic grocery shopping - and tried to get what he could online. Currently, he had a patchy freelance work where he translated, but that was the only thing he got.

His rent was two months late already and the warning that he better pay up quickly laid crumpled on his kitchen counter. The landlady did have some pity on him, but Jisung was aware that there was only so much she could do for him.

Especially, when he wasn't the best tenant either, his shabby minuscule apartment covered in a filthy mess that was bordering on becoming hazardous. If asked why he didn't take his trash out regularly, he wouldn't be able to answer. He didn't even have an answer as to why he didn't recall the last time he showered, even less, brushed his teeth.

Jisung knew he had to do those things, he was so very aware, but just thinking about how he should do them made him so anxious that he found himself frozen, beaten up in his mind to the point that he didn't have the strength and curled up in his bed.

He needed help, he knew that.

But he didn't have anyone to call without freaking out.

Jisung's family was distant out of his own fault, his parents giving up on reaching him when he stopped picking up calls as all he heard was talk about college and shi future. They didn't even know he had dropped out since he kept feeding them lies. Sometimes his mother even sent messages, but they became less and less when his replies were single worded and eventually died out.

He knew they probably called his last living place only to find out he had been gone. He just couldn't face them. Thinking of reaching out to them made him want to vomit, his whole body physically reacting to how intensely he was against the idea.

Because they would ask and he wouldn't have answers.

Jisung once had friends but by now he might as well just call them acquaintances, maybe even strangers. Chan and Changbin tried holding on to him when he dropped out, but the younger had been just so ashamed about everything that he pushed them away. It had been months, nearing a year by now that he hadn't talked to them.

He was a failure, sitting in his own dirt, rotting away in a dark apartment that suffocated him. And he had nowhere to go from there.

His skin crawled as he looked at himself in the mirror, looking ashy, scrawny, and just straight out sickly. Which he was since he had been living off instant noodles and chips for quite a while.

He looked pathetic, and to minimally cover it up he dressed in black oversized sweatpants and an even bigger dark hoodie.

Standing in the middle of his littered living room where he couldn't see the floorboards anymore, he was filled with a hopelessness so great that he just couldn't hold onto anymore.

Grabbing his last pack of cigarettes, he sneaked out of his apartment, his breathing shallow as he looked around and made his way to the staircase. His eyes burned with every step further he took towards the rooftop, gritting his teeth as no tears fell.

Jisung had lost the ability to cry a couple of months ago when the numbness about everything took over and left him with nothing. Not even tears.

His fingers fumbled with the faulty lock of the escape door, opening it up and stepping into the fresh air of a dark night.

With shaking hands he took careful steps, his eyes locked with the starry sky.

A cigarette was slipped between his lips and he flicked the lighter to light it with a deep drag.

Jisung's heart felt tight, but it still skipped as he approached the edge of the building, step by step, not looking down.

He wouldn't dare to, he was afraid of heights and he knew one glance down meant he would back off.

Back off of what?

As his feet shuffled closer to the edge, the tips of his sneakers losing contact with the concrete, Jisung held his breath.

With the cancer stick dangling from his mouth, his fingers curled and uncurled as he gathered courage.

Existing was too much, it was too suffocating, just like his apartment was. There was nothing left in his life. He had nothing, no one.

It was so stupidly sad that he was alone, but right now it just felt freeing that he would be just a nobody who tripped over the edge of the roof. A weak link that finally let go.

His eyes fluttered shut and he leaned his head back as he took the cigarette out of his mouth.

"Can I have a drag?"

Jisung jumped at the question and to his luck (or bad luck), he stumbled back and fell onto his ass, grimacing as the lack of cushioning on his backside was sure to leave him with a bruise. He scoffed, looking around and not seeing anybody until a head popped up at the edge of the highest point of the roof where the antennas were.

Blinking at the man who was lying on his tummy, chin propped onto folded arms, Jisung couldn't really react. His heart was racing from the scare and from having been interrupted.

Besides that, there was something so terrifying about the reality of what he had been about to do, it left Jisung's knees weak and he swallowed thickly, lowering his head to the cigarette that was smoking itself away between his legs on the concrete.

"Heeey, hey."

Jisung heard the man calling for him but he didn't react, his head sunken deep into a mess of thoughts he couldn't even start to organize. His eyes just kept staring at the lit end of the cigarette as his body shivered with the cold night breeze.

"Hey, kid! Helloooo?"

When something hit his face, Jisung snapped his head up to look back at the other. Seeing a disheveled mop of wavy hair made him realize that what was thrown at him was the other's beanie.

Something about this man unsettled him. The way he smiled big with his teeth showing left Jisung feeling like he was missing out on a joke.

"Finally! Hi. So, I asked you something. You think I can have a drag? I mean, I can also accept a whole cigarette."

The man spoke lightheartedly, lips pouting a bit out as his smooth voice mused over what Jisung would consider giving him. And Jisung could only keep staring at the other in disbelief.

"You... were here all this time?" It was a stupid question. He was sure he hadn't heard the door open, even less heard someone going up the metal ladder next to the door that was the only way to reach the spot the man was at.

The other moved a bit, propping his chin now on his palm as he smirked. "Yeah. Saw you coming up and... Doing your thing there. Which, by the way, you should thank me. The way down looks high enough but there's like, a sixty percent chance you would survive. Not very effective, y'know? And I guess if you were already considering it-"

"I wasn't considering anything." Jisung huffed out and glared at the other, his cheeks heating up in shame of having someone now knowing about the intentions in his head. He pursed his lips and got up, patting down his sweats, and in the presence of another, he became even more self-conscious of his dirty greasy appearance, so he just pulled up the hood over his head.

"Sure." The man smiled more and clicked his tongue, reaching one arm down, wiggling his fingers at Jisung. "But, c'moooon... A cig, please? I promise to make your time worthwhile in exchange."

Jisung wasn't interested in spending any time with anyone right now and he was considering just leaving without saying another word, but something in him carried him over to the guy, reaching his pack of cigarettes out, as well as his lighter.

He was given a big grin, the man taking it from him and Jisung could see the cute kitty bandaids wrapped around his fingers. Observing the other, he noticed how the guy had quite a pretty face, with high cheekbones and a sharp nose. There was another bandaid on his forehead, making Jisung wonder what it was about, even more, why a grown man was wearing such... childish things to dress his injuries.

Watching him take a long drag and blow the smoke out with a long sigh, made Jisung feel smaller than he was. Maybe it was because the other was so beautiful, maybe it was because he was lying there on a higher spot than where Jisung was standing, but he got the feeling it was the way the other kept smiling.

Huge, with shining teeth, looking satisfied with himself.

It left Jisung nauseous with jealousy that the guy looked so carefree, so...

Happy.

"So, Mister Wasn't-Considering-Jumping-off-the-Roof. Wanna talk about it?"

Jisung's shoulders tensed and he only snatched his cigarettes back, pulling one out of the pack to press against his lips while refusing to really engage with the other. They smoked silently for a while, only for the sound of faint shuffling coming from the other man. But apparently, he had enough of being quiet.

"Do you know the most effective way to do it?"

Something about the question ticked Jisung off and he dropped his cigarette to the ground, stepping on it so he then could turn away, opening the door and shutting it behind him rudely.

Rushing down the steps of the staircase, he made his way down back to his apartment, slipping inside into his personal hell hole before he cussed under his breath, wiping his face frustrated.

He didn't care about the most effective way, he didn't care about whatever way, he just needed one.

But right now he was too tired, the weird interruption putting the feeling of needing to end it all in second place in his head.

So, Jisung only crawled into his bed, feeling the urge to scream into his pillow but not having the strength to actually do it 

His email inbox was once again empty and Jisung was chewing nervously on his nails, staring blankly at the screen as he sat in the dark. His teeth tugged and bit through the skin, pulling until he went too far and he could taste iron in his mouth. It stung as he sucked at the side of his thumb where it began to bleed, his teeth still worrying around the raised corners that left him anxious and he just wished to bite off.

Jisung sighed and shut his laptop, pulling his legs up onto the chair to hide his face between his knees.

Today was the last day he could go on without needing to dip into the negatives when he later went to get food. Even though, maybe he shouldn't go to the grocery store.

Food would be a fucking waste if given to him. What point did it even make if he ate?

He laughed pitifully at himself before grimacing and hugging his legs closer.

Everything was getting so much worse. He was never getting a fucking break and he just didn't know what he could do.

Well, he kind of knew, but he hadn't dared to even go up to the rooftop again simply because he kept remembering what that guy had said. About the effectiveness of it.

Jisung sighed and once again found himself grabbing his pack of cigarettes and walking out of the door. He was walking up the stairs and fumbling with the faulty lock and instead of going to the edge he just sat down and laid back, spreading arms and legs out as he looked at the starry sky again.

Seeing the small cloudy puffs of his breath coming out due to the cold temperature, Jisung just lit a cigarette and smoked.

"The edge not looking good today?"

Jisung yelled as his heart nearly jumped out of his body, holding his hands close to his chest as he looked up to where the voice came from. The same spot, the same man just lying there, grinning down at Jisung.

He was still pretty and still covered in kitty bandaids and he wore a purplish striped pullover now.

Jisung couldn't help but think of the Cheshire Cat when looking at the other. Showing up out of nowhere, smirking and saying things that annoyed him.

"Just needed some fresh air."

"Hmm, gotcha." The man nodded, still smiling before he went silent. But then he grinned wide again. "Can I have a drag?"

"Fuck off. Get your own." Jisung muttered and closed his eyes as he took a long pull out of his cigarette. He did crack one eye open as he felt himself being watched, seeing the other still grinning at him, one arm in a striped sleeve that was long enough to even cover his fingers swaying side to side slowly.

"So grumpy.. But hm... Have you tried it again?"

He didn't know why the other was insisting on speaking so directly about the fact that Jisung was tired of living. He took a deep breath and sat up, wiping his face and grimacing at the oily feel of his skin.

If he continued staying alive, he should at least try to gather the strength to shower, he felt so gross.

"No. I didn't." Jisung muttered in reply, not looking at the other.

"Huh. Cool."

The short reply made Jisung scoff and he narrowed his eyes up to the other who was only smiling softly at him. "Cool? Seriously?"

The man giggled and shrugged. "I mean, it's cool that you're alive, right? Something must've been cool to have kept you from trying again since last time."

Anger and bitterness bubbled up in Jisung's chest and he nearly bit through the filter of the cigarette.

"Nothing is cool. What the fuck, dude. The last thing I want is to have something keeping me here in this fucking... Fucking shit life." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his palms against his eyelids.

"Well, then how do you plan on doing it? I really hope you're not considering jumping, I already told you last time tha-" "Sixty percent, yeah. I remember."

Jisung snorted after replying to the other and he sighed, realizing that he had no plan. He only tried to pretend to have one when things got too much.

Remembering his empty inbox made him grit his teeth.

"Maybe I'll just hang myself in my room or something."

"Eh, you know that the probability of you being able to make a contraception sturdy enough to keep all of your weight while you struggle for your life due to survival instincts is like..." The man eyed Jisung and then smirked. "Three percent. Not effective."

"Great."

"And besides that, hanging yourself sounds fucking painful. Have you ever tried breathplay? Like shit, the time I did I thought my eyes would pop out of my head. Too much pressure."

Finding himself rather speechless at the reply he had gotten, he glanced to the other with confusion written all over his face. The Cheshire Cat only blinked innocently back at him and grinned.

"Never been choked during sex?"

"Shut up." Jisung blushed and looked away again, lighting another cigarette for himself.

"It's okay, dude. Nobody has to be kinky, y'know? And I don't recommend it anyway. As I said, makes you feel like those eye pop squeeze toys."

Snorting at that, Jisung covered his mouth to cough and hide a small laugh. The other man looked all proud of himself and Jisung just stared at him for a little before asking.

"Which way is effective enough for you?"

Watching how the guy licked his lips and looked up to the sky thoughtfully, Jisung laid back onto the ground again, eyes back on the stars.

His mind was strangely quiet.

"Train. Quick, hard to miss the timing."

"Shit is fucking public. You're gone and traumatize another handful of people."

"I never said 'do it during rush hour'." The Cheshire cat winked and Jisung rolled his eyes.

"Still too public and you would bother the whole transportation in the city. You do that if you're a selfish asshole and want to give a last middle finger to people."

"You're a selfish asshole no matter which way you do it. You hurt people and shit. Leave them asking why."

"That's if you have anybody who cares."

Jisung muttered silently and the other was quiet for a moment. Seeing him sit up and lean back onto his hands made Jisung a bit anxious for some reason. Especially as the man was still smiling.

"There's always somebody who cares."

Scoffing, Jisung glared at the other who shrugged at him. "Don't pull that I care for you shit, I will go up there and punch you."

The Cheshire Cat burst out into loud laughter, throwing his head back. It was a little cute how Jisung could hear every 'ha ha' so clearly and how the sound ended with a small sighed out 'ahhh'.

"Sure would want to see you try." The man rose his fists and threw controlled sharp jabs into the air. "I can box. You lift a finger and I'll send you off the edge myself."

"Perfect. Would spare me the trouble."

"Hey! Don't forget the sixty percent!"

"It would be seen as attempted murder by the eyes of the law. I live? You get jail." Jisung tutted and wiggled his feet a little as a small smirk then appeared on his face.

For once, the other was the one rolling his eyes, but the ever smirk was was still there. He seemed very amused by Jisung being playful with him.

And Jisung's heart suddenly felt heavy at that and he sat up. Frowning deeply, he bit the inside of his cheek and then shook his head as he got up. He walked to the other, reaching out his pack and lighter for him to take, which the Cheshire Cat did with a confused expression.

Jisung felt his mouth go dry as he noticed how the man's eyes glittered with the reflection of the stars in them and it only made him turn to run away.

Rushing down the steps of the staircase, he grimaced as he felt reality sinking back in again. His hands were clammy as he curled them into fists after he entered his apartment and now that he was alone, Jisung sank against the door and cried.

Cried until the sun started shining into his apartment, putting light on the trash and gross filth spread around the only place he could call home.

He felt stupid for having let himself think for a second that the man on the rooftop was making an effort to make him feel better.

He felt even more stupid for letting some type of hope spark in him when his life was still a mess he couldn't fix.

"Pew." The man threw his head to the side after the onomatopoeia, one hand forming a gun pointed at him and the other motioning something spraying out of his head dramatically.

"A gun is expensive."

"Well, damn. I didn't know you had a budget for this."

Despite knowing it was stupid to let himself be distracted from his problems, Jisung found himself once again sitting on the rooftop with the Cheshire Cat. The two of them with cigarettes between their lips and this time Jisung also had kitty bandaids around a couple of his fingers after the guy had seen the gnarly wounds of his incessant and extreme nail-biting. He had pulled the little things out and handed them to Jisung, insisting for him to wrap that shit and don't let it be exposed to the world if Jisung didn't want his fingers to fall off due to an infection. Cute to cover up the ugly and pretend things were fine for a moment.

Jisung had muttered that the other wasn't his mom and somehow that made them exchange ages, Jisung grumbling annoyed that he was the younger between them and the man puffed his chest out with the authority their rather small age difference gave him.

And for some reason, they still didn't exchange names.

Something about the anonymity gave Jisung a type of reassurance that he could spill his secrets out - even though he never really spoke about his feelings in detail - but it also left him sometimes wondering if the nickname he had given the other in his mind wasn't closer to the truth than he first thought.

Maybe the Cheshire Cat wasn't real and the man was only a figment of Jisung's desperate mind. He wouldn't be surprised if he found himself hallucinating, it would only be one more symptom in the cocktail of mental health issues he had.

Jisung, however, didn't allow himself to wonder for long, especially when he was out here under the stars talking to the other.

"What about pills?" He looked up to the man who was contemplating his question with a good amount of seriousness. He then snapped his fingers and pointed them at the younger, waving them lightly.

"Effective depending on what you take. Can't do it on impulse, you would have to prepare or you'll end up, like... vomiting, foaming out of your mouth, convulsing, and maybe that gives you time enough to regret it. You would be crawling down the hall to Miss Potts to call an ambulance and I'm pretty sure that being pumped with charcoal isn't a great experience."

Jisung tilted his head. "Charcoal?"

The older smirked and nodded. "Yeah. It's some chemical bullshit, I don't know the details but they pump you full of black with a tube through your nose if you can't drink that shit yourself and it makes something in your stomach not absorb the medication. And then it's like in 'The Exorcist' because you will be spewing all that black left 'n right."

The man started motioning projectile vomiting with his hands and Jisung couldn't help but laugh at the dramatics.

"And oh, also to not forget that the charcoal is like... all gritty. Rips your throat fucking open and it burns for days. And you get a preview of how you'll sound if you keep smoking like that."

He winked at Jisung who was getting himself a new cigarette. He had the bad habit of chain-smoking when he was sitting here with the other man. He snorted, still being a bit amused but then he licked his lips, lowering his gaze to his hands before glancing to the older.

"You know an awful lot of details about this."

"Like I know the details of how it feels to have your whole body vacuum-packed until you cum. Now if you ask me if it's from first-hand experience or because I researched that on the internet..." The Cheshire Cat obviously smirked mysteriously at that while Jisung was once again all flustered by the extreme kink that out of nowhere was brought into the conversation.

"Y-you're... How the fuck do you know about these things? Do people really do that? Vacuum-pack themselves?" The younger couldn't help but stare in confusion as the older only laughed and nodded, confirming it.

"Usually someone vacuum-packs them, mind you. That ain't a one-person job!"

"Holy shit..."

"Hah... Tell me about it..."

"I would put freezing, drowning, putting yourself on fire, and starving all in the same category. The I'm-a-masochist-and-want-to-suffer-even-more category"

"Who the fuck would put themselves on fire!?" Jisung screeched and wrapped his arms around himself, grimacing as his mind made him try and imagine what that would feel like.

The Cheshire Cat only laughed, kicking his legs behind him after slapping the younger's thigh since this time Jisung had decided to join the other higher up on the roof.

"Probably involves some revenge and a lack of a brain to let yourself turn into a bacon crisp. Imagine feeling your skin peeling and melting, uaaargh..." The man shivered and shook his head, puffing out the smoke between his lips with a pout.

Jisung ended up nodding and agreeing.

By now the two have been meeting up here nearly every night the past week. It was an escape from reality, like nothing existed besides the two of them, and while Jisung's life was managing to spiral even further with his bank account dipping further and further into red as no more work appeared and the notifications from the landlady becoming more frequent, it was relieving to forget all of that for a few hours.

Time was ticking for Jisung, he was aware of that, but talking to the other man about the endless ways of how to end it all and how none of them ended up being just right at least left him in some kind of peace.

The right way would appear at some point and when that time came, he would do it.

"Stereotypical, but... Cutting." The younger looked down to the other after giving the suggestion.

The man blinked a few times and slowly tapped his sweater paws together. He hummed and smiled around the cigarette, looking up to the night sky.

"It's pitiful, painful and you must really hate yourself to do it that way. But effective if you live alone and know how to do it."

"How do you do it?" Jisung asked and the older glanced at him and elbowed the younger's thigh hard, making Jisung wince.

"I'm not a fucking guide. And I know you don't have a bathtub."

"I thought the bathtub was a requirement for the toaster." Jisung pointed it out with a raised eyebrow and the other rolled his eyes so hard they threatened to stay stuck inside of his skull.

"Besides it being ineffective!" "Depending on how you do it!"

The Cheshire Cat sat up and leaned in closer to Jisung, narrowing his eyes. "You don't have a bathtub and the sink is not a replacement. Let go of the toaster."

The two kept staring at each other, challenging to see who would be the first one to budge and look away. And it didn't seem like either of them wanted to lose.

Being so close to the Cheshire Cat made something in Jisung squirm. The man was so incredibly pretty even with the exhausted deep dark circles under his eyes and the wavy hair that was actually full of frizz and grease. Jisung could smell the other's warm breath that hit his face, sour and almost foul in a way that was familiar to the younger. It smelled like his own mouth tasted from not having the mind and energy to brush his teeth.

It should repel him, it was disgusting, gross, and filthy. He knew it because Jisung was all of that. But there was an indescribable pull and as he saw the man's eyes fluttering shut, his own followed as their lips touched.

The kiss started slow, neither reaching out to hold onto each other, just keeping connected by their lips. They tilted their heads to fit better against each other and Jisung parted his lips slightly, feeling how the man stopped for a moment before the younger felt the tip of the other's tongue lightly lick his bottom lip.

Opening up, their tongues slid together and Jisung swore it would taste better to lick an ashtray but he couldn't help but deepen the kiss even more, reaching out to bring the Cheshire Cat closer by the back of his neck. He swallowed a soft sound the older slipped out, humming when he felt fingers curling into the front of his hoodie.

Their teeth hit and it was a little sloppy, Jisung feeling spit running down his chin when the man didn't really lock their lips together and awkwardly licked into his mouth as Jisung's tongue shied away. He tugged on the older's beanie, pulling it off as the man crawled into his lap, cupping his full cheek to kiss him harder. Jisung's fingers curled into oily dark hair as he wrapped his arm around the other's waist to hold him flush against his body.

The Cheshire Cat felt light in his lap, but warm enough for the cold unforgiving late autumn breeze to be forgotten.

They kissed until their lungs burned and they slowly parted, swallowing the taste of sour ash down as their foreheads pressed together.

"Why do you have to really hate yourself to cut?" Jisung asked with a whisper and the man on his lap laughed light and airy at that.

"Because you first destroy yourself and then watch your life seep out of you until you're no more."

"Poetic." The younger snorted and felt the older pull a bit away, smiling softly as he pinched Jisung's cheek.

"No. God awful and everyone will also really hate you for it as well."

And the Cheshire Cat kept laughing.

Jisung pushed his whole body against the door to the rooftop, stumbling with shaky legs as his breathing came out in short rapid puffs. He was hyperventilating, panicking and his fingers trembled as he tried getting a cigarette lit, cussing around the filter as the lighter refused to work.

In a burst of frustration, he threw said lighter and also the pack of cigarettes to the ground, white cancer sticks flying out and rolling on concrete.

"Fuck, FUCK!" He yelled out and tugged on his own hair with enough force it hurt and ripped strands out.

Pacing around, he kept muttering and whimpering to himself, feeling absolutely cornered because he was. He was being cornered and he hated everything, hated himself for letting it come this far. He was hitting the end of the well and soon enough the opening would be closed shut, trapping and leaving him without choice.

He groaned loudly, the sound filled with anger, agony, and desperation before he covered his face and crouched down, curling up.

"What are you being a little drama queen about?"

Jisung grit his teeth and pressed his fingers into his eyes.

"Not now. I'm really not up to being funny." He hissed out and grimaced as hopeless thoughts filled his head.

"You say that but you're the one looking like roly-poly right now. It's kinda cute!"

Jisung stood up and glared at the other as he screamed. "Could you shut the fuck up for once!? Just for fucking once!"

He saw the Cheshire Cat flinching and staring at him wide-eyed, corners of his lips twitching nervously.

"What got you so upset this tim-" "I'm being fucking evicted next week!"

Cat's out of the bag. Jisung stared at the other because the cat was right in front of him and he wondered what he would do with the news.

Being evicted would be the last straw to everything. Jisung could already see how he wouldn't be able to do a measly job to get some ridiculous pocket money amount because he wouldn't have where to plug his fucking computer in. And without being able to fucking work, his credit card would eventually be blocked when the bank noticed no money was coming in to lessen the dive into red, and then, what would he have left?

Jisung would even lose his escape. He would lose this rooftop and would lose having his weird little hallucination discussing with him about ways on how to fucking kill himself.

He was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

And his eyes stared at the other man who just sat up there on the highest spot of the roof. And Jisung's eyes were asking for only one thing as he didn't even blink.

He was asking for help.

And the Cheshire Cat laughed.

It wasn't a laugh full of fun and lightheartedness. It was nervous, it cracked and distorted, sounding almost hysterical.

Jisung eyes filled up with anger.

"Don't laugh! Fucking-"

The man shook his head and closed his eyes, covering his mouth as he tried to contain his laughter that only seemed to get more and more out of control. Despaired.

Like something tipped over.

But even so, Jisung felt mocked and ridiculed.

"Don't fucking laugh at me!!" 

Jisung screamed as the tears streaked his face and he could see the tears brimming at the corners of the older's face.

Jisung shouldn't have asked, shouldn't have relied on something that was sick and broken.

He ran away from the rooftop, back to his shithole.

He shouldn't have thought a Cheshire Cat would do anything but laugh at him.

Jisung didn't go back to the rooftop since then, feeling too humiliated by the last thing that had kept him thinking he was more than just a husk.

He was walking back to the apartment complex, hood pulled and head hanging low as he looked down to the plastic with the meager purchase he made at the grocery store for the last three days he still had in his home.

His steps slowed down, however, as he noticed the commotion in front of his building, halting completely when he saw an ambulance, the red lights on top of it blinking and spinning.

His desperate relationship with death and morbid curiosity made him watch as the paramedics were yelling at each other, bringing the stretcher out through the front door.

Jisung could see how much blood there was and the medical help put pressure onto the arms to stop the bleeding.

And he was also close enough to see several kitty bandaids covering the slashed open forearms.

Frozen to the spot, he felt his heart drop and his brain tried to will his body to move, to run after the ambulance and do something, anything, to make sure the Cheshire Cat would be fine.

But he couldn't. He could only watch horrified how the stretcher was lifted into the vehicle and how it then sped off.

Leaving him wondering how much self-hatred and pain the Cheshire Cat had been hiding behind his grins for him to choose that way to go.

Jisung wondered how he had missed all that when he had seen some of the signs.

He didn’t know how long he kept standing there in the street, staring at the spot the ambulance had last been. His body shivered as a freezing gust of wind blew through him and still feeling rather blank-headed about what he had just witnessed, he stepped into the building and made his way to his apartment.

Once inside, he dropped the plastic bag he had been clinging to and just stared into the mess of his dark home. 

Again, he didn’t know how long he just stood there staring at everything but nothing at once. His heart had finally calmed down and he swallowed thickly, reaching into his pocket to take his cellphone out. He tapped the cracked screen, the phone lighting up nearly blindingly in the darkness.

Jisung stared at it, his thumb rubbing over the home button until he took a deep breath and went to his contacts. 

Bringing the cellphone shakily up to his ear, he listened to the dial tone, holding his breath. 

He nearly panicked and ended the call when he heard it being picked up. 

But he didn’t.

“Jisung?”

His knees wobbled, losing strength, and he crumbled to the floor. His eyes welled up and he choked a sob, curling up.

“C-chan, please, I’m sorry but I need help. P-please.” He cried into the phone, hiccuping miserably as he begged.

“Shit! Jisung, hey, I’m here! Where are you- What do you need!?”

A month had passed since Jisung had become so afraid of dying that he reached out and called Chan.

The older came to his rescue right away and suddenly Jisung had a place to stay for as long as he needed to get back on his feet. 

He had missed out on so much when he had pulled away from everyone, missed out how Chan and Changbin had become a couple and now lived in a small but sweet little apartment close to the college they all went to together at some point. 

Chan was about to graduate and already had the luck that his internship would turn into a full-out producing job once he held his diploma in his hands.

Changbin, as well, was working in a small little music shop that gave him time to study and write lyrics between customers coming and going. 

The two of them had pulled some strings and Jisung would soon start working in the shop as well, mostly with cleaning in the wee hours of the morning, but the small income would be stable and help him with time to dare come out of his shell to a work with something where he could face people.

Jisung wasn’t well and still wouldn’t be for a good while, but it was a start.

Whenever he couldn’t get out of bed to wash himself up, Chan would drag him out of it. Even if he screamed and was stubborn. 

There might’ve even been a time when the older carried him into the shower, clothes and all, and turned the water on both of them.

Changbin made sure he got to work on time and held him close if he started getting anxious out of nowhere. 

The two older ones weren’t doctors, weren’t therapists and they wouldn’t be able to fix Jisung, but they made sure he wouldn’t be alone. Feel alone. 

Jisung sometimes felt like he was a bother, a nuisance, and the want to run away was so great that he even did it. But there was always someone running after him and bringing him back home.

After a rather inconsolable breakdown, Chan had been the one to call his mother. Jisung was terrified of meeting his parents and facing them after everything, but Changbin held his hand tightly and reassured him that if everything with his family went wrong, it was okay.

He and Chan would still be there for Jisung.

But when the small woman was in front of Jisung with her arms spread out, inviting him into a hug, he was relieved that another broken tie had begun to mend. 

He cried like a child, begging for forgiveness that he couldn’t do things on his own and he could only cry more as his mother brushed her fingers through his hair and quietly whispered it’s okay, my baby. Mama’s here for you.

It made him feel so small, so stupid for keeping himself away for so long from the people who were just waiting for him to call for them.

He couldn’t explain the feeling when even his father hugged him and reassured him they would get the professional help Jisung needed.

Everyone wanted him to be well.

Everyone cared for him so much even if it was so hard to believe most of the time.

They were and would be there for him.

It was late afternoon and he was on his way to his therapy session when he got a call. He had blinked a bit confused as to why his ex-landlady was calling him, but he picked it up.

“Hello? Miss Potts?”

“Oh, Jisung! Good that you picked up! How are you, dear?” The voice was sweet and laced with something very genuine as she asked how he was. Jisung would rather shamefully confess that he did hold some resentment towards the lady for having given him the eviction note, but his rational brain did always remind him that he shouldn’t truly blame her when he had been in the wrong.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you?” He politely asked back as he stepped into the foyer of the building where his therapist’s office was.

“All fine and dandy here too! Say, Jisung, do you think you could come over today? There is another letter and I think it’s from your bank this time, dear. You haven’t changed your address yet?”

Jisung cussed under his breath, earning a raised eyebrow from the security as he passed by them to get to the elevators.

“I did, Miss Potts, but apparently they keep insisting on sending it to the wrong place. I have a few things to do, would it be a problem if I went over there tonight? I know it’s not very ideal...”

“Oh, if you arrive here before nine it should be all fine!”

“Okay, perfect. I’ll be there most likely around half-past seven, eight.” He hummed and pressed the button to the tenth floor, watching then the screen with the numbers going up one by one.

“Good, good. That should be i- Ah! Actually! Minho came back last week and asked about you! I wanted to give him your number but he said no. That boy is so shy... It would be nice if you could also come to say hi to him! He’s been awfully alone, and after everything, I think it would be good for him to have someone.”

Jisung blinked confused at the name and, at first, he didn’t really make sense of what the lady was talking about.

“Who… Who’s Minho?”

“What? Jisung! You really think I wouldn’t know you boys were sneaking up to the rooftop? I know everything that goes on in my building.”

His eyes were wide as the elevator door opened and he stood there unmoving, only flinching back into action when the door was about to shut again. Stepping out, he looked down to his free hand and noticed how it began to shake.

“I-I… H-he’s fine?” Jisung asked quietly, clearing his throat after it had cracked. He then heard a sigh coming through the speaker.

“Fine is a strong word in this case… Like I said, I think a friend would do him well.”

Stepping in front of the door of his therapist’s office, Jisung stared at it and pressed his lips together.

“O-okay. Yeah, I’ll… I’ll go visit him when I go there tonight. Thank you for letting me know.”

“It’s nothing, dear! I’m glad.”

“Yeah. Uhm, I have to go now- See you later, Miss Potts.”

“Oh! You go! Goodbye!”

“G-goodbye...”

Jisung ended the call and wiped his face, keeping his mouth then covered as he didn’t quite know how to organize his thoughts.

Good thing he was about to have a session.

Nervous didn't even begin to describe how he felt when he stepped into his old apartment building. 

He was rather glad that the landlady had been rather chatty, delaying the visit he would make to the Cheshire Cat.

Minho. The Cheshire Cat had now a name.

But he knew he had to eventually go and it was actually Miss Potts that urged him to, pushing him gently towards the creaky elevator that always gave him heart attacks.

It was so strange to walk down the hall to meet the older man and as he stood in front of the door, his fingers curled and uncurled a few times before he pressed the bell.

His heart was hammering in his chest with each second passing by but nobody came to the door.

He rang the bell again and then knocked.

Still nothing.

Uneasiness filled him and he shifted his weight on his feet, head coming up with a hundred grim scenarios before he glanced to the entry of the staircase that would lead to the rooftop.

With a deep breath, he decided since he was here, it wouldn't hurt to try.

It felt so different to take each step up with his current mindset.

Somehow, it made him even afraid that it would bring unwanted thoughts and feelings back. The staircase brought too many memories he was trying to process. 

Even the faulty lock seemed to hold a heavy energy to it that Jisung really didn't want to touch.

But he did it anyway.

Stepping out into the night, he took a deep breath and looked at the starry sky before glancing at the figure standing by the edge of the rooftop.

"A Cheshire Cat once told me there is a sixty percent chance of survival if you jump from here. Not very effective."

The man flinched and took one step back. Then two more before he turned towards Jisung.

Minho seemed to have stopped in time, not a thing was different about him.

The stars still loved to reflect in the older's deep eyes and his nose was still sharp.

He still wore the beanie and he was again wearing the sweater with the striped sleeves.

But this time, Jisung could look through him, see that the man wasn't healthy and now that the younger was a tad bit more stable, his Cheshire Cat looked so small and his smile so broken.

Minho wasn't well.

Neither was Jisung, but he was a bit better.

So, he stepped closer and reached out to take Minho's hand and squeeze it gently with his. The older chuckled, dry and humorless.

"The Cheshire Cat forgot to tell you all those times that effectiveness doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters. Only intention." 

Minho sighed softly and raised the cigarette he was holding on his other hand up to his lips.

"Say, Minho…" Jisung swallowed as he felt the other twitch as he heard his name. "Why did the Cheshire Cat laugh at me?"

Silence washed over the two, but Jisung waited patiently. Minho shifted nervously, his hand threatening to let go of the younger's, but Jisung only held it tighter.

"He didn't laugh at you. He laughed at himself."

The older inhaled long and exhaled even longer before he turned to look at Jisung.

"He laughed at himself because he thought he was going to lose the last thing keeping him here. Because you asked him for help but he couldn't even if he wanted to. He couldn't even help himself."

The last words were spoken in a whisper and for the first time, Jisung saw Minho looking sad.

"That night you came here and stood by the edge… Just a few moments before that I was standing right where you were. But I looked down and remembered that I'm terrified of heights and couldn't do it. You were much smarter, I saw how you weren't looking down. You're afraid too, right?"

"Horribly."

A small giggle escaped the older and Jisung smiled.

"Having you there made me feel like I wasn't alone, y'know? At first, I didn't want to bother you because you were about to do what I've been wanting to so bad. But if I didn't stop you, I would be alone again."

Jisung sighed and pulled Minho closer.

"I'm glad you did."

"It was selfish."

"Well, aren't we all? I'm being selfish right now."

He squeezed the other's hand again and Minho tilted his eyebrows up, expression tortured. He lowered his head and covered his mouth with a sweater paw, his shoulder shaking slightly.

Jisung barely caught the words he spoke next, mumbled softly against fabric.

"I still don't know if I'm glad I survived, Jisung."

The younger held his breath for a second as he heard his name, guessing that Minho had also found it out through the landlady. 

It was strange how much personal everything became, more intimate. Even more than when they had shared that one kiss.

As the tears finally fell from Minho's eyes, Jisung pulled him into a hug. He rubbed the older's back as he cried against his shoulder, small hands curled into the front of his jacket. 

"It's okay… It's okay to not be sure. But hey… Minho, look at me."

The other shook his head, burying his face against the younger's neck, but Jisung pulled a bit away and guided Minho by his chin to look at him.

"Hey…"

The older sniveled and blinked more tears out of his eyes.

"H-hey…" 

Jisung gave him a small smile.

"You're not alone. I'm here and I promise you that things get better. I'm living that right now. It's worth it."

Minho searched his eyes for any indication that Jisung might be lying. Fooling him into believing something that wasn't true.

"What makes it worth it?"

"Everything. And cheesecake."

The older blinked fast and cutely before he laughed a little disbelieving.

"Cheesecake?"

Jisung hummed confidently and nodded.

"I can take you to a place that has the best one in town. It's worth it, I assure you."

Minho pressed his lips tightly together and then sank back into Jisung, rubbing his face against his shoulder.

"Okay…"

"Okay. And we're gonna be fine."

Jisung reassured and they kept standing there, quietly, and the younger leaned his cheek against the other's head.

"The two of us"

He whispered and felt himself be squeezed in reply.

The road to recovery was a long arduous one and Jisung knew two broken people couldn't fix each other along the way.

But they could do their best to find the help they needed. They just had to take the first step for better.

Because it was worth it.

Life was always worth it.