Work Text:
Anger was the easiest emotion, it was already on the surface before the appearance of the boy called Seungmin.
Minho always told himself that he was just cold, indifferent at everything and everyone, but, in reality, spicy anger was in his words more times than what he wanted to admit. Maybe he wasn’t conscious about that, but a lot of people feared his mood changes, the easiness with which his eyes changed from an inhuman coldness to burning anger.
This was the reason why he was always alone, almost everyone was scared of him even though he never fought with anyone, he barely raised his voice to them. That was why he was clueless, thinking that only his indifference was keeping them away. He wouldn’t have cared anyway, keeping the people away was what he wanted.
When Seungmin appeared in his life, he wanted him to go, to leave, but he never did even if Minho was always angry, indifferent, or cold. In a way, Seungmin understood that the times when Minho screamed at him were progress, he understood that their relationship was developing.
Till today, Minho still doesn’t know how and why Seungmin endured it. Well, maybe now he knows why, but that is going ahead of the events.
∞
“Why? It’s so hot out there, can’t we go tomorrow?”
Minho is talking through the phone while lying in front of a fan, the floor cold against his skin but the summer’s heat still lingering in his body. On the other side of the line, Seungmin is trying to cool himself with ice cream, but it isn’t going as well as planned.
“Okay, okay, I know. Yeah, I will be there.” Minho agrees with a sigh after Seungmin shows his cards, reminding him that he had promised to go to the arcade with him. “Bye.”
Minho sighs again, rolling on the floor while whining to himself quietly.
First of all, he picked the phone without checking, he would have never picked it up if he had known it was Kim Seungmin, just because he had been avoiding him since the first time they met. Lastly, he was out of his mind when he agreed to go to the arcade with the younger, it happened because he wasn’t paying attention to the talk, so he just agreed when Seungmin asked.
Now, he is regretting it.
He stops and looks at the ceiling, wondering how he ended in that situation. It’s no use to know, he already said yes so, he has to go. Minho gets up and walks to the shower. The arcade is far away so, even though he doesn’t want to go, he needs to hurry if he doesn’t want to miss the bus.
Minho hates being late.
When he closes the main door behind him the heat already surrounds him, and his efforts to cool himself with cold water in the shower go to waste. He feels like his skin is already hot, that he will start sweating in a minute, and he hates it. Minho is tempted to just stay at home, it shouldn’t matter if he never appears at the arcade because he is not Seungmin’s friend, right?
He shakes his head; he needs to go. Not because he wants to be friends with Seungmin but because he doesn’t want to break a promise, he knows how much it hurts when a promise is broken even if it’s not something that important.
You don’t promise in vain.
It’s the afternoon, the sun shines strongly above his head and Minho is glad that he brought a cap with him. Actually, he is glad of the entirety of his clothes, a white t-shirt with some cat doodles tucked inside the jeans, a belt helping to keep it in place, and dangling earrings shining in his ears.
His outfit is quite refreshing, it makes him feel good. In fact, he had chosen it carefully. The crowded spaces like an arcade are hard for him because he isn’t used to people anymore, so he really thought about wearing something that would make him feel safe over there. He wouldn’t find the needed comfort in Seungmin, he is a stranger after all.
With these thoughts he reaches the bus stop just in time, getting on the bus and searching for a seat next to the window. He dozes off for the most part of the ride, but the landscape is so pretty under the sun’s gaze. He watches the trees pass, leaving behind the blurry green until he starts to recognize the buildings that are passing by.
The bus stops and he sees himself in the streets again. He checks his phone to locate the place, then he starts walking there. It’s a ten-minute walk, but the characteristic lights of the arcade can be seen a while before arriving.
Minho is now standing outside the arcade, avoiding the door because he doesn’t want to know how many people are inside. He waits for a bit, checking the surroundings before pulling out his phone.
The chats are displayed in front of his eyes before he opens Seungmin’s one, which is just there laying with the boring Kim Seungmin on top of it. It’s the way the younger saved his contact.
Minho would have changed it but he thought that he would never see Seungmin again, maybe he should do it later.
The hesitation can be found in his body, eyes just staring at the screen and frozen fingers. Finally, he does it.
Me
I’m here.
He stares at the screen, wondering if he should call the boy after a couple of minutes pass without a response. Minho starts to grow impatient. Suddenly… Is Seungmin playing with him? Maybe the younger had no intention to meet him and he just wanted to mess around. Minho frowns, seriously thinking about it, but his phone buzzes right that moment.
Kim Seungmin
I will be a little late, my sister needed my help with something.
I’m sorry…
But I’m already on the bus!
Me
Okay.
I will go inside.
Kim Seungmin
Don’t have too much fun without me
😉
Minho scoffs at that, returning the phone to his pocket without answering. Then, he looks at the arcade door and takes a deep breath, following a couple inside. The multiple lights shining around are his welcome, the red followed by the green dancing in front of his eyes with a sequence only broken by the sun rays, it has to be amazing at night.
The sound of multiple people suddenly startles him, and he is surprised he didn’t notice before how loud the place is. The good thing is that no one is paying attention to him, everyone is focused on the games.
A little smile creeps to his face when he finds a basketball game, the same he used to play when he was younger. He looks around and… how lucky he, there’s no one playing! In a second, he is already holding a basketball ball.
The first-round finishes, but he starts another one right away. The game brings memories back from when he was a kid, his features always radiating happiness at that time. He used to go to the arcade with his friends.
Yeah, the memories are unpleasant for a boy that is no longer like that, he feels the weird tickle in his neck and feels the need to throw up, a sick feeling installing in his gut.
Minho stops playing, lost in the memories. His eyes were out of focus and his hands holding the ball tight, the memories flowing in his mind without control.
A sudden noise brings him back. He looks around, a girl is picking something from the ground. The lights are suddenly too much, the noise amplified and the hot ambient makes him feel dizzy.
“Hey, are you going to play anymore?” someone touches his shoulder.
“N-no.” Minho stutters, walking away in a hurry.
He loses himself inside the place. The machines surrounding him are in a quieter spot, the music is still in his ears but there aren’t many people around. He breaths slowly, regaining the lost stability.
Then, he feels a hand grabbing his arm. The fear invades him for a second, but a bright smile appears in front of him. Seungmin is there, smiling at him like an old friend. It feels warm.
“Here you are! I messaged you but you didn’t see it.”
“Sorry.” Minho says without thinking, scanning the younger.
Seungmin is wearing a plain white t-shirt with a short-sleeved and striped shirt on top, which was half inside his short black pants, pants that show his toned legs in between them and his high converse. Everything is complemented with a blue bracelet and a necklace.
The sight is extremely soft.
Minho has his mouth slightly open when Seungmin pulls him and leads to the prize machines, snapping him out of his world. He looks while the younger tries to win a stuffed dog, failing every time.
“Let me try.” he finally says, and Seungmin nods.
At first, he fails. He tries again with a concentrated look, and it’s the way he curses and clenches his teeth that makes Seungmin laugh. A sweet laugh that melts Minho’s furrowed lips into a soft smile, a smile that he is quick to erase, but Seungmin notices anyway.
“I got it!” Minho claims, immediately feeling the eyes of the distracted boy on him just before falling to the stuffed animal in his arms. “Here.”
The scenario that displays in front of Minho’s eyes makes him bit down a smile, the eyes of the younger shining in joy and the biggest smile on his lips, the excitement written all over his face. Is then when he realizes two things.
First, happiness looks good in Seungmin, it makes him glow. Second, he really is comfortable with him, and it’s so unexpected because they don’t know each other, but it feels like they can communicate without much talking.
Minho never felt that before. He allows himself to embrace the youngers company because the time to think about that connection will arrive anyway.
Actually, there’s a third thing. Seungmin looks like a puppy when he’s excited, and that’s maybe the cutest thing he has ever seen.
“What’s his name?” Minho asks, trying to distract himself from the cute view.
“Da- Wait, how do you know that I name my plushies?” the younger interrupts himself with confusion.
“I think you should be more worried if I didn’t know that. You talked so much that day, I don’t think there’s anything about you that I don’t know.” Minho teases with a mocking smile.
The younger looks at him with amusement and a wide smile, and that isn’t the reaction Minho was waiting for. He doesn’t understand why his words caused such a reaction, but he should have known. Seungmin was impressed that Minho actually remembered something about him, he thought the older wasn’t listening most of the time.
“Daengmo.” Seungmin finally says. Minho nods, understanding right away that it’s the plushie’s name.
They stare at each other until Seungmin grabs his hand and guides him to the next game, the younger’s warm skin reminds him of his childhood, his best friend used to do that too.
The remaining hours are filled with smiles and easy laughs, even Minho is comfortable enough to laugh a little when the younger pouts after losing. They also start a dynamic in which both of them tease the other, being mostly Minho the one who starts it.
Minho had been mostly looking at how Seungmin plays, pointing out better strategies to win and teasing the other when he irremediably loses, but now the night has fallen, and he is growing impatient. His anxiety is no longer under control as he feels how his body tenses every time the volume of the voices around him raises even a little bit, he wants to go.
How to say that to Seungmin? He can’t talk about his anxiety.
Luckily, the younger suggests leaving after one last game, and Minho doesn’t know if he felt how uncomfortable he was or if it is because he is tired. Anyway, he is glad.
“I will exchange the tickets; you can wait outside.”
That’s how Minho is waiting for him outside, feeling how the wind eases his anxiety. He had endured it pretty well, so he’s surprised, but the urge to fall into his bed is now present.
“What did you exchange them for?” Minho asks when Seungmin meets him, seeing with curiosity how he is hiding something behind his back.
“I-I… This is for you.” Seungmin stumbles in his words, a light shade of pink staining the tips of his ears when he shows Minho what he was hiding.
Minho is surprised by another stuffed animal hanging in the younger’s hands, a small plushie compared with the dog Minho won for him. The most important thing is that it’s a cat, an orange cat.
“Thanks.” it comes out more like a question, but Seungmin is quick to accept what he gets.
The plushie is soft and it reminds him that he always wanted a cat, that’s probably why Seungmin gifted it to him after knowing it. Minho couldn’t have a cat when he was younger, but maybe the plushie is a sign that he should now. Is his mental health well enough for taking care of a cat? Maybe.
Minho finally smiles, putting the plushie inside his bag.
“Do you want to eat something? I know a café nearby.” Seungmin asks.
Well, that puts Minho between the sword and the wall. He wants to go home, he is drained after the long day, but, at the same time, he doesn’t feel it fair to leave just like that.
Seungmin would have a bad image of him if he does that, and he doesn’t want that to happen. It’s the first time in a while that he worries about what others will think, he doesn’t know how to explain that it feels right to do it.
“You can go home, you know? I’m already grateful that you came.” Seungmin seems to read his mind.
“No, let’s go.” Minho finds himself saying before he can process it.
It’s worth it when he sees that soft smile again. Seungmin is quick to lead, and Minho soon notices that he hasn’t lied. The café is, at much, five minutes away from the arcade.
They sit beside the window in complete silence, but neither of them finds it uncomfortable so they don’t feel the need to break it until they have to order. Two iced americanos are now in front of them.
A little talk starts but soon dies, the silence taking over them again with only a couple of words here and there. That is how it goes the whole time, and it continues when they leave the café. Seungmin is the one who breaks it.
“It was good today; we should hang out more often.”
“Are you trying to be my friend?” Minho’s words come out more bitter than intended.
“Uhm… yes. It’s that a problem?” Seungmin doubts, but the older can see that he is being honest. “I thought…”
“You thought?” Minho asks coldly, suddenly upset because the younger wouldn’t finish his phrase.
Seungmin just stares at him with no intention to answer his question, which pisses Minho off more than he would ever admit. He had always hated the ones that are afraid of saying his opinion. Maybe he had thought Seungmin matched with him, but he’s now aware that they are completely different.
No, it’s not just this little thing, it’s the way Seungmin resembles the calm water when he has a furious storm inside, the way Seungmin makes happiness so easy, and the way Seungmin makes him comfortable. He hates the last one.
It’s such a change. He is now controlled by his mind and that can’t end well because he is not aware of it. He should know when the control switches from his heart to his mind, and maybe he knows but he likes so much the numbness that he feels when his mind takes control.
It’s easier this way because nothing can hurt him, the problem is that he can hurt others without even realizing it. Seungmin is about to witness that.
“Talk.” Minho demands, his tone scaring the younger.
“I thought that you also wanted to be friends.” Seungmin says with a quiet voice, not daring to look up while speaking.
“Look at me.” Minho demands again, and Seungmin is smart enough to do it right away. “You shouldn’t think that much, clearly you are not good at it. Why would I want to be friends with you?”
There’s no answer, only Seungmin looking at the ground again while fidgeting with the end of his shirt. This time, Minho is not bothered enough to keep talking, so he just turns and walks away.
Minho doesn’t look back, where Seungmin is standing with a confused look, the younger doesn’t understand what went wrong for Minho to change his behavior like that. Seungmin is still standing there when he can no longer see Minho’s back, the thought that it’s impossible that Minho had been uncomfortable the entire time lingering in his mind.
Seungmin doesn’t believe his words, he knows what he had seen. Minho wants to be his friend. Seungmin doesn’t care what he says, he just needs to find what the older didn’t like and fix it.
That’s why he sends a message the day after, apologizing for whatever he did wrong. The message is left on read, but he never stops writing after that.
∞
The sun is rising, and Minho looks at it as if it wasn’t real, how can be real if he hasn’t slept yet? Then, he realizes. 24 hours had passed till the last time he slept, but that isn’t that concerning considering that he wasn’t aware of the time passing, that he is more awake than what he had been all week. Maybe the alcohol running in his system is the one to blame.
His phone buzzes, the alarm waking his senses up and reminding him that he has classes to attend. It’s his last year, he shouldn’t skip classes if it isn’t for a good reason, and being drunk it’s not a good one.
Minho is not drunk anymore; he can feel the general heaviness that comes with the alcohol being slowly eliminated from his body. The other thing that comes with that is the headache, and he has one. Every sound makes him whine in pain, even the conversations that he wouldn’t hear on a normal day.
Go to class when he is feeling like shit is not his best decision, but his life is already full of bad choices, one more won’t hurt. That’s what he thinks while standing in the middle of the street, too occupied in thinking to actually walk to the bus stop.
It’s his phone buzzing again that makes him move, checking the message while moving his lazy ass to the pharmacy, wanting to buy some pain killers in order to pay attention to his class.
Annoying Boy
Good morning! Will you eat with me today?
He shoves the phone in his pocket again, not bothered enough to reply to the annoying boy aka Seungmin. Seungmin is always present, his texts starting and finishing the day. Minho lefts him on read most of the time, but Seungmin keeps messaging him without complaining and, when they actually meet, he never doubts the lazy excuses that Minho throws at him, even when they are not rational at all.
That has been going on for two months or so, and Minho is still wondering if the younger is not smart enough to catch the hint or if he just likes being ignored.
It was the fact that Minho never had the intention to see Seungmin again even after he insisted to exchange phone numbers. It was the fact that he found out that they were studying in the same university the same day he met the younger, just because he filled the silence between them with a lot of words. It was the fact that Minho immediately forgot most of what he said until he reported to study photography, gaining Minho’s attention.
Minho had always liked photography, not enough to study it but enough to pay a little more attention to what Seungmin was saying, earning a happy smile after his first question in what felt like hours. That was how he knew that leaving Seungmin behind was going to be difficult, but he never thought that it would be impossible.
Another buzz lets him know that he is spacing out, again. He has the thought of not even check who is messaging him, knowing that it’s Seungmin again because who else would write to him, he has no one. Yet, he finds himself looking at the phone.
Annoying Boy
If it’s a yes, I will be at our park at 1:30 pm.
A sigh abandons his lips and he can stop his fingers from writing a reply. Seungmin is always so fucking annoying that it gets in his nerves, and it’s weird because sometimes it’s like he does it on purpose.
He can’t stand him, or that’s what he says to Seungmin and himself.
Me
It’s not our park.
It’s only the need to clarify that, just because they always meet at the same place doesn’t mean that the park is special, it’s just a park. After that, he enters the pharmacy, finally buying some painkillers before heading to the bus stop.
An hour later the university is in front of his eyes, the crowded campus reminding him that he is too old to be there. Seungmin has the age to be studying, not him. Minho has a work already; it only happens that the two-year course he takes is imparted at the university, but that means he isn’t a university student, at least not fully.
What is his course for? Minho wants to work at an animal shelter.
In any case, he walks inside. It’s only when he positions himself in front of the bathroom mirror that he pays attention to his looks, seeing the tired look in his eyes, the messy hair, and the disheveled clothes. He takes a moment to take care of himself, just putting on a baggy sweater to cover the wrinkled t-shirt before running his fingers through his dark hair, making it look decent enough.
The truth was that he looked good, maybe not in his eyes but every student in the university saw him as one of the most handsome boys on the campus, unreachable not only because of his personality but also because of his looks.
Minho is attractive, but that is an understatement, his sharp face is always being watched. What makes him more attractive is the fact that he never shows off, almost like he doesn’t know the effect he has on people.
There are two types of people on that campus, the ones that are in his class and the ones that aren’t, the ones that fear him and the ones that want to fuck him. The only thing they have in common is the fact that none of them dares to approach the boy, also the fact that none of them actually cares about him.
In effect, there is a third type, being it Kim Seungmin. Seungmin doesn’t fit into any of the categories above, he isn’t scared of him nor wants to fuck him.
Kim Seungmin… He is special, but you better not ask Minho if you don’t want an answer similar to: “Yes, he is especially annoying.”
Minho finishes with water against his skin, rubbing his face to fully wake up before taking more water into his hands in order to take the pain killers. Finally, he walks to his class and sits in silence, watching how the students arrive without even looking at him until the teacher shows up.
The class is boring, so he entertains himself with his own safety pin + chain earring, he takes it off and plays around between his fingers, paying little attention to class. The next one is better, maybe because his head isn’t about to explode anymore, either way, he writes down what the teacher says.
The day goes on until past midday when Minho is finally free to escape the torturous lessons. By then, he isn’t feeling well. His head is killing him again, sharp pain that comes and goes accompanied by the fact that he is feeling numb, almost unable to stand up and leave the class.
He needs to go home but his own stubbornness doesn’t let him, he is halfway through the day, he can make it till the end. Only two more classes after lunch and then he can fall into his bed and rest until his body says enough, the lack of classes on Friday makes him smile.
“Look where you are going.” a cold threatening voice is heard after he bumps his shoulder with someone else’s. Minho is ready to apologize, too tired to argue. It takes a second for the recognition to pop in the boy’s eyes, but Minho can clearly see the point where is replaced by fear. The boy opens his mouth but closes it again, leaving in a hurry.
Yeah, of course, he fears him.
Minho would have laughed if it weren’t for his whole body resenting the blow, it hadn’t even been that strong. It’s as if he is made of crystal or as if he has needles under his skin because it hurts whenever he applies pressure in it, even the slightest one. He feels only a push away from breaking apart.
A loud noise startles him, and it makes him realize that he had dozed off for the third time this day, or it was the fourth? Anyway, he checks the surroundings, trying to grasp the reality as he sees a mother shouting at his child, being that the source of the sudden noise.
He finds himself surprised as the park unfolds in front of his eyes. It wasn’t his plan to go there, the colors aggravating his headache with their brightness and the sun hurting his eyes. It was neither planned to eat with Seungmin.
To be honest, he doesn’t have the energy to listen to Seungmin’s babbling, but neither he has the energy to leave and find another spot to eat silently.
The sun is forcing him to squint his eyes, so he forces himself to find somewhere to rest. A convenient spot under a tree gives him comfort, a tired groan when he leans into the wood.
He is kind of glad that the leaves hold the sun away, allowing him to close his eyes without seeing the red through the eyelids.
Soon, his breath is steady. He falls asleep.
“Minho!”
He opens his eyes in fear, only to find a young boy’s face too close for his liking and hands in his shoulders shaking him awake. Instinctively, Minho pushes the other away, causing the last to fall on his butt with a groan of surprise. Is then when Minho can take a good look at the boy, denying that he could tell who he was before doing so.
It’s Seungmin, of course it’s him.
Seungmin is the only one that would shout at his face to wake him up despite knowing that the elder doesn’t like it. To be fair, Seungmin is the only one that would approach him willingly.
Minho curses under his breath; he isn’t in the mood for this today. Well, he never is, so Seungmin is not surprised when the older throws him a killing look.
“What in god’s name were you thinking?” Minho scolds the younger.
“I tried to wake you up gently, but it didn’t work.” replies the other, innocently putting his hands up.
A scoff is heard, followed by the motion of Minho shaking his head in disbelief. He forgot about his headache and is now gritting his teeth in pain, but he can’t let go of the opportunity to reply to the younger.
“I wasn’t sleeping, only ignoring your annoying presence.” he states, a pathetic try to tease the younger.
“Yeah, whatever. It’s totally credible.” Seungmin says, rolling his eyes.
Minho only tilts his head at that, he wasn’t expecting that kind of reply. He laughs a little, trying to hide the fact that the conversation isn’t going the way he wants it to go.
“I didn’t know you could be that sarcastic, I almost buy it.”
Minho knows he is annoying, it’s nothing new when Seungmin sighs and looks like he has been denied his favorite dessert.
“You are the king of that.” Seungmin throws, not wanting to argue but not being able to keep it inside.
Minho laughs again at that, a cold laugh that shows that he doesn’t actually find it funny. Seungmin rolls his eyes again, just watching the other until he sees how he frowns and stops his laugh immediately.
“Does your head hurt?” the younger asks at the sight of Minho holding his head between his hands.
“No.” Minho replies with bitter sarcasm while looking at him in what had to be a teasing smile but only appeared as a strange grin. “Of course it hurts, genius.”
“Did you take something for that?”
It seems that his worry is slipping in Minho’s skin as he looks at him with an indecipherable look before nodding slowly, being careful not to feel the pain again.
“I will bring you something to eat.” the younger declares, getting up.
“Don’t, I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat something; it’s not going to be any better if you don’t.”
“Just don’t.”
“Let me bring you some water then.”
“Don’t.”
“Minho, you have to-…”
“Don’t.” the older replies for the fourth time in a row, cutting his sentence.
The conversation is starting to get on Seungmin’s nerves even though he knows that Minho is doing it on purpose, the elder doesn’t like the worry so he will do anything to stop Seungmin from showing it. He knows it, but he can’t control the irritation in his following reply.
“Stop doing that, I only want you to feel better. I’m only worried.”
“Don’t.”
After that, Minho hides an amused smile while Seungmin is nearly at the edge of falling into the game Minho is setting. This time, it’s a fight. They always bicker but, sometimes, that’s not enough for the older, who tries to show Seungmin that he also has anger inside of him, anger that can fight against Minho’s one.
The truth is that it can’t, Seungmin maybe does hide his anger but Minho has a large accumulation of it. The only way to be free of it is fighting, and the younger is the one who always accepts his role in that situation.
It’s dangerous when Minho is angry because he doesn’t know what he says, the thin filter he has in his daily life is ripped apart by the fire, and he hurts people. He hurts Seungmin, but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that. Maybe because Seungmin is always the one to step forward, to search him and apologize even when it’s not his fault.
Seungmin is too good of a person.
“I know what you are trying to do, just stop it.” Seungmin sighs, managing to keep a calm look even when the older snorts at him. “If you don’t want me to worry, go home.”
“I have classes to attend, mom.” Minho mocks with a bothersome smile.
It isn’t as Seungmin was expecting him to listen, but it hurts a little the way Minho is disengaging from his concern as if it’s nothing more than an annoying fly. Seungmin should know that, and he knows that, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The worry is normal in a friendship, but it’s something Minho doesn’t seem to comprehend just yet.
“You can’t go to class looking like that. Maybe you are not aware, but you look like shit.” Seungmin’s voice raises a little, helping to make his point when Minho forces his hands to be away from his ears.
“You are the best with compliments, I don’t know why girls are not at your feet right now.” the sarcasm is extremely loud, but Seungmin ignores the older.
“There’s no way you can pay attention to class when you can’t even stand my voice or the light.” Seungmin points out, not letting the chance to argue. “I know you think I’m screaming but I’m not, it’s only you who perceives it that way.”
Minho’s effort to keep a straight face hasn’t been unnoticed, neither the way his eyes keep looking down while squinting or the way he frowns every time Seungmin speaks. The younger had been trying to hold his tongue, but he can’t allow Minho to go back to class.
Seungmin can see Minho’s face shift when the entire of his words are absorbed by Minho’s slow brain, from a playful brightening his pained features to the beginning of burning rage. He can see how Minho forces himself to look straight into his eyes.
The elder’s body is tensed up, hands closing into fists. Seungmin knows he went too far, that he fucked it up. He had seen Minho like this before, but something feels different. He can’t pinpoint what is it.
For a moment, Minho feels foreign.
“Shut up.” Minho spits, glaring coldly at him. “You don’t know me. You want me to be someone you can manipulate with your false worry, but I’m not. We are not friends. I don’t want to be friends with you, Kim Seungmin, stop trying. I only keep you around out of compassion.”
Minho knows what to say to hurt Seungmin. Minho can make Seungmin’s heart ache, and he does it so well that the younger almost believes him. Maybe he really does because he feels the need to blink, to keep the tears from falling. He shouldn’t have the need to do that if he thinks Minho is lying.
Seungmin blinks repeatedly.
It hasn’t been that long since they know each other but they already had a couple of fights, it always happens when Minho doesn’t know what to do with Seungmin’s warm words or feelings. This time? This time is different, they never argued like that before.
As always, is Minho’s fault. The anger makes him lose control over himself, he speaks without thinking and then regrets it. He never says it, but Seungmin can feel the warmth in the way Minho looks at him even when he has to dig to find it.
There it is. The reason why the situation feels completely different is Minho’s eyes, Seungmin can’t find the warmth in them and that means Minho is not regretting his words. It stings more than what Seungmin can admit.
Seungmin can’t take Minho’s coldness anymore, but he hasn’t lost hope yet and it shows in the look of disbelief he is throwing to the other. He watches as the anger washes out of Minho’s face, being replaced by an inexpressiveness look. There’s still no trace of the warmth he is looking for, Minho wasn’t lying.
Minho doesn’t care about him.
There’s no way to shove the pain away from his face neither to stop the tears anymore, he can’t hide it. The calm boy shakes when the first tear falls. He tries to erase the salt water at the time another one follows the first.
Seungmin cries because of Minho and it’s not the first time he does, his room is the only one that knows. It’s the first time he cries in front of Minho.
He runs away as soon as he understands the tears can’t be stopped. For a moment, he hopes Minho would stop him. It never happens and that makes him cry harder, the tears flowing without control.
A lot of students wonder what happened to him when he runs past them without looking back, he is aware of the eyes on him and that only makes it worst. His breath is shaking and his vision is blurry when he reaches the street, but he doesn’t stop until he arrives home.
There’s no one there, the silence welcomes him. He goes straight to his room, closing the door behind him before closing the curtains, leaving his room in the complete dark. He is familiar with it.
Seungmin dips the fingers in his hair and grabs it when his back hits the wall, he slides slowly to the ground and curls up at the feeling of his whole body collapsing. He reproduces in his head what Minho said, the cold look in his eyes, and he cries harder.
Seungmin falls into the void until he falls asleep.
On the other hand, Seungmin misses Minho’s reaction, the way his eyes went wide as soon as the tears started falling from the younger’s eyes. Seungmin misses how Minho punches the ground with a silent scream, and how he finally listens to him. Minho goes home with the most miserable look he has ever worn, the regret eating him alive for the time he falls into the bed.
The next day, even though the regret is still deep in his heart, Minho expects everything to come back to normal. It had always been that way but not this time. Seungmin’s messages are missing, Seungmin doesn’t search for him.
Minho wonders why, but he doesn’t ask. If he had done it, he would have known that Seungmin didn’t show up that day neither the following ones.
Seungmin isolates himself. Minho worries but does nothing.
Minho continues his life as if the other never appeared into it, but he leaves behind a broken boy. A friend he has broken himself.
It’s hard to understand how much pain you can inflict on others, hard to approach the one you hurt. For Minho, is ten times harder. He can’t even see the worry as what it is, and that’s a mistake he will always regret.
Seungmin needs help and he is the only one who can give it. Is he able to understand it? Can he do it before it’s too late?
∞
It’s cloudy. It has been cloudy for about two weeks now.
The lack of sun affects Minho, it’s like he’s as cloudy as the weather. But that’s not actually the reason why he’s unapproachable -more than usual- these days, the real reason is the lack of a certain boy in his life.
Seungmin has been missing for two weeks, and it’s like the world knows about it. The lack of Kim Seungmin is what makes Minho cloudy.
It was quite alright the first days, the guilt creeping in his skin every night but it was fine during the day, Minho wasn’t worried because he knew the younger would come one day or another. The thing was that it never happened.
The worry started to appear after the first week had already passed, but Minho just ignored it. It was the first time that the younger disappeared completely for that long, but that meant nothing, right? Minho was telling that to himself.
The days kept passing by. The university and his work consume all of his time, every day arriving at home just to fall into sleep. It was like that at times, when a lot of things were happening at once he was just living in pilot remote.
It has been easier for the past two days, reminding him that Seungmin is still missing, no text no nothing. It has been two weeks. Minho had been wandering around the building where Seungmin takes his classes with the thought of seeing the younger, but he doesn’t seem to be there.
It can’t be. Seungmin would never miss his classes, it has to be that the timing it’s not right. Minho has classes too, he can’t be around there for a long time, it has to be that.
Well, he’s wrong. He can’t find Seungmin because he isn’t there, Seungmin hasn’t been going to class since that day, since the fight happened.
Minho does that every day, it’s a routine by now. He assists his first classes, then he walks to where Seungmin attends his, and then he goes to his classes again. He hasn’t forgotten about the park; he eats there every day.
The hope of seeing the younger walking towards him…
That’s what makes him go there, but he eats alone every day. It’s like his life has returned to what it was before meeting Seungmin, and he doesn’t like it. He keeps saying to himself that it’s fine, but it’s not.
It hasn’t been that long since he met Seungmin, but what he likes to call muscular memory it’s already there.
On another hand, his mood is completely down. He used to participate in class, but he doesn’t do it anymore because he can’t pay attention to what is being told. It reaches its peak in the third week without Seungmin.
The professors had already noticed that something is happening because they don’t ask him questions like they usually do. Minho is one of the best students, it shows in the way every professor waits for him to speak when no one raises his hand.
One day, on a Wednesday, he is faced with reality. It seems that one of his teachers has had enough of him hurting his expedient, she is handing them the little exam they took yesterday, but she doesn’t let go of the paper when Minho reaches his hand to take it.
“I would like to talk to you after class.” she states, finally letting go of the paper after Minho nods.
Minho looks at the exam. It’s his worst mark ever, it’s not even that bad but it hurts his pride when a little laugh resonates in his ear. He looks back just to find a girl giggling with his friend, he takes a look at her exam. She has a better mark, that’s probably why she’s laughing.
Even that can’t bother him enough to say something, he just turns to the front again and attends the rest of the class, forcing himself to actually listen to the teacher after imagining that she wants to scold him for the exam.
He is not even close to the real reason, and he is about to find out.
The class finishes and everyone leaves, just Minho and the teacher are still there now. The boy is standing in front of the teacher’s desk while she looks at him with concern in her eyes, which takes Minho by surprise.
“What is happening to you, Minho? I have noticed how you don’t pay attention to my classes; you aren’t like that.” the woman states but raises her hand when Minho wants to reply something, she hasn’t finished yet. “I have also noticed how you make an effort to listen, that’s why I’m asking what is keeping you so distracted.”
Minho is kind of touch, for sure he had known the teacher for a year now, but he wasn’t expecting the genuine worry. Minho just looks at her, wondering if he should actually explain what is keeping his head busy, but… what can she do about it?
He examines the concern in the elder’s eyes, letting the silence set in the room for a while. She doesn’t seem bothered by the time passing, so Minho finally decides to share it, even if it’s just a tiny bit of the whole thing.
“I… I have a friend. Well, I think I have a friend, but he hasn’t been talking to me lately.” he stutters a little bit and avoids the women’s gaze, but he knows when to start talking again before she can interrupt. “It’s actually my fault, we had a fight and…. Yeah.”
The women seem to consider his words. It reassures him the way she’s actually thinking about what he just said and not just speaking the first thing it comes to her mind, it shows that she actually wants to help.
It’s then when Minho realizes that there’s more in this whole thing, that it isn’t only about him earning low results, but also because she cares.
“Well, if you say it’s your fault… Why don’t you try talking to him? Maybe he is waiting for you to approach him first.” the way she speaks it’s tender, she has also worded the sentence as a question, not wanting to pressure the younger.
“I should do that. Probably.” Minho says, earning a soft look.
“Listen, Minho. If he’s your friend, he will wait until you are ready. You were happier this year, don’t let him go away if you can do something about it.” her words are firmer this time but, when she gets up from the chair, Minho feels her hand on his shoulder. “Think about it.”
She leaves while Minho is still thinking about her words, they actually make sense, and he knows that. To know and to act about it is something different. It’s hard, especially for someone like him.
After a while, he leaves the class and goes straight home, not having the mind to attend his last classes. He also claims to be sick, so he doesn’t have to go to work. He actually thinks about what he should do.
The next day, he wakes up with a little sleep but clear thoughts. He will try, he will search for Seungmin and will speak to him. He’s not brave enough to write a message, but he can actively search for him rather than just wander around.
Yeah, Minho has the resolution to fix his error, but he can’t seem to find Seungmin anywhere. He even checks his class after a lesson he knows the younger takes is finished, but he is not there. Is he really not going to class?
That thought finally appears when the weekend arrives, and he can’t stop thinking about it until Monday comes again. That same afternoon, he feels brave enough to ask someone about Seungmin.
It’s weird, he can write him a message, but he is ready to talk to some stranger just to ask if the younger has been attending his classes. His mind just goes this way, but he actually panics when he sees a boy leaving the class.
He knows the boy takes the same classes as Seungmin because he has seen him around the few times he accompanied Seungmin to class.
“Sorry. Excuse me.” he raises his voice, touching the boy's shoulder.
He turns around and looks at him with confusion. Of course, he knows about who Minho is, but he doesn’t seem scared, just confused. He probably has seen the older before, everyone stares at him in disbelief when he walks with Seungmin around the university.
“I was wondering… Seungmin isn’t here today?” Minho asks, avoiding the boy's gaze the best way he can.
“No.” the boy plainly says, but he seems to feel sorry for the way Minho looks like a lost puppy because he adds something. “I haven’t seen him for… three weeks? I think four weeks now.”
Minho opens his eyes in surprise, he had been thinking about that possibility, but it really hits when he hears it out loud. He can’t stop seeing the fight in his mind knowing that he had messed up big time, but he snaps back to reality when the boy speaks again.
“You should maybe go check on him. He hasn’t skipped this many classes since when he caught that terrible cold last year.”
Well, Minho obviously doesn’t know about that, but it seems that the boy knows it because of the way he is just looking at him without expecting much. The younger is smart enough to take Minho’s questions as a confirmation of what he had been thinking the last few weeks, Minho is the reason why Seungmin hasn’t been going to class.
The boy looks at Minho, who is occupied fidgeting with his shirt, so he asks the question he can’t seem to let out. After that, he leaves. Minho now knows where Seungmin lives.
He needs to visit the younger. It will be fine if he can’t have forgiveness, but he needs the younger to return to his life, he can’t lose his future because of him. There’s no way he can let that happen, so he makes a decision.
Friday evening is the marked date, he will go to Seungmin’s house after he finishes working. It was important enough for him to think about skipping work, but he couldn’t do that anymore or he would be kicked out, and he needed the money.
The week passes by extremely slowly, the feeling that something is wrong growing every day until it reaches the point that he can’t sleep anymore. The tiredness follows him everywhere, his eyes closing by themselves in class, but no one says anything. Probably that teacher talked to the others because everyone throws him knowing looks when he isn’t watching.
Finally, Friday arrives. Maybe he can’t skip work, but he manages to leave his work shift earlier than usual, even though it’s still pretty late when he takes a bus to go to Seungmin’s house.
It doesn’t take too long, the bus stop is actually in the same street as the boy’s house, so he is there before he can even process it. Minho is now standing in the middle of the street, suddenly scared to take one more step because that would mean he fully acknowledges his fault.
Minho has to force his legs to walk, force his arm to raise and nock the door, and force all his body to stay in place when he hears footsteps approaching the door. He contains his breath.
When the door opens, he’s faced with a young woman, who is looking at him with confusion. He wasn’t expecting that, he didn’t even know that Seungmin lives with someone, but it makes sense that he does because not everyone it’s like Minho and his parents. The girl doesn’t seem his mother though, too young.
“Uhm… Hello, I’m a friend of Seungmin. He hasn’t been attending class, so I was wondering if he was okay…” Minho finally says, the word friend too foreign in his lips but, at the same time, feeling right.
“Oh, you are Seungmin’s friend? Come in.” she finally opens the door, inviting him to enter.
“My name is Lee Minho, nice to meet you.” surprising, he still remembers his modals before entering the house.
“I’m Seungmin’s sister, but you probably know about that.”
She laughs a little at her own silliness, unaware that Minho is receiving new information. Did Seungmin tell him before about his sister? Sure, the younger speaks so much, and Minho not always listens, but he doesn’t think he has heard about a sister before.
“I will tell Seungmin you are here, do as it’s your house.” she invites before disappearing upstairs.
Minho is left alone, and he doesn’t know what to do. At some point, he feels the courage to go find somewhere to sit down. As he enters the living room, he can already tell that there’s no one else living there, so he wonders where the younger’s parents are.
He can see a few pictures around, but all of them are either of Seungmin, his sister, or them together, there’s not even one family picture neither one of their parents alone. He stops in front of a picture, a smile appearing as he sees a little Seungmin smiling to the camera.
“He was so cute, right?” a voice startles him, it’s Seungmin’s sister sitting on the couch, he hasn’t heard her returning.
A smile appears on her face when he nods, but Minho sees how the sadness is now in her eyes. It wasn’t there before but, obviously, he doesn’t ask about it, he just waits for her to speak again.
She doesn’t, she starts crying instead, and Minho panics. She quickly hides his face behind his hands, but it doesn’t seem to help to stop the tears, his body is still shaking.
Minho doesn’t know what to do, but he approaches and puts a hand in her shoulder, trying to bring an awkward comfort. It doesn’t seem to work as she cries harder, but it actually does because she finally speaks.
“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t see this, it’s just…” she says, wiping the tears away. Minho says nothing, but she seems to interpret the silence as a sign that the younger is listening. “I don’t know what’s happening with my brother. He hasn’t left his room for four weeks now, he barely eats, and I don’t think he sleeps either, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Minho has to look away as the guilt threatens to rip him apart, he’s not in the position to cry when the girl is who’s devastated because of what he had done to his brother. It hurts to know, but he is now sure that he has to fix it.
Not for him but for her, her and Seungmin.
“Can I… Can I talk to him?” he asked, the security in his voice inexistent.
“Upstairs, at the end of the corridor. The door on the right.”
After the indications, he leaves her alone without hesitation, Minho is not that kind of person. He cares, but Seungmin is now more important than offering comfort to his sister, if he can fix Seungmin that will fix her too.
The door is in front of him, should he knock? Probably not, Seungmin won’t open it if he knows it’s him, so he just grabs the doorknob and opens the door slowly. He finds himself in the night.
It’s not actually that dark, but the change of the lights to nothing makes it seem that way. He can already see Seungmin before he even notices his presence, a figure curled up in the bed. Minho closes the door with a thud.
“I already told you, I don’t want to see him.” Seungmin says coldly, but he doesn’t move.
“But I do want to talk to you.” Minho states firmly, and it sounds more secure than what he has been feeling the entire day.
His voice causes an effect, Seungmin stands up in a second and looks at him through the room, the shadows accentuating his pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes. He looks like shit.
The remorse is eating Minho fucking alive.
“Listen-…” Minho starts but is interrupted as soon as the first word comes out.
“No. I don’t want to listen to you, I don’t want to see you, get out.” Seungmin isn’t raising his voice but, somehow, it felts like it.
“Seungmin I-...” Minho tries again, but the younger doesn’t seem to listen as he jumps again.
“Stop, I want you to go.”
“And I want you to listen.” Minho’s rage is building up again because he’s trying his best, but Seungmin doesn’t want to listen.
It’s bad, he can’t treat the younger’s wounds with more anger, but it’s really difficult to control it when Seungmin refuses him again and again. Some of it is already in his eyes, he knows it when the sharp eyes of the other are in him.
“Shut up, Minho. I won’t be quiet this time, I have been accepting your anger for so long now. I won’t be apologizing again for something that’s not my fault, so just leave me alone.” Seungmin says that, but the older can see a glimpse of tears forming in his eyes before he looks away.
That’s enough for Minho to calm himself, he takes a deep breath before starting to walk towards the boy. As his steps shorten the distance, Seungmin’s widen it, but he can’t escape forever. Seungmin’s back bumps against the wall, and he’s forced to look up.
A scared puppy, that’s what he resembles.
Minho almost stops, but something in the younger’s eyes prevents him to do it, so he keeps walking until he is in front of him. They stare at each other, and Seungmin hesitates when he doesn’t seem to find any more anger in the older eyes.
The ambient is tense but silent, and Minho now knows what to do. In a quick movement, he traps the younger against the wall and himself, using his hands against the wall to form a cage. As he was expecting, Seungmin explodes.
Minho feels a hit against his chest being followed by multiple more, it doesn’t hurt because it’s not the physical pain but the emotional one that has a grip on him. His heart hurts, but it’s not because of the barely strong hits that Seungmin is throwing at him.
Suddenly, the sound arrives.
“You have been using me as a punching bag, but not this time. I won’t apologize so you don’t have to feel the guilt, not anymore. I’m a person too. I have fucking feelings and you have been playing with them, I’m not your toy. I know you never wanted to be my friend, you told me that, so just forget about me and go away. You can go back to your life now, that’s what you want.”
Seungmin is speaking between every hit, his breath shaking even though he isn’t crying. In fact, Minho is the one with the need to cry, but he isn’t doing it either. Every word is like a punch in the stomach, it hurts but he endures it without a word.
“Why are you here? Just go. Just go and leave me alone.” Seungmin looks up at the last words, spitting them into Minho’s face.
Minho sees the sadness taking the place of the anger in the boy’s eyes, and he knows that he has said everything he wanted. Seungmin is now feeling better, but that’s only a second before his body starts shaking.
The effort to say all that, to stand up in front of Minho after all these days of barely eating and sleeping has consumed all his strength. He feels dizzy, and he just wants to go back to bed and forget about everything.
Seungmin is on the verge of falling but, this time, someone is there to hold him. Minho wraps his arms around the younger’s little body, letting him rest against his chest, letting him feel the warmth through the clothes and the gentle touch on his back.
That breaks the last of Seungmin’s strength. Seungmin screams, letting out all his frustration before crumbling into the older arms. Minho tries to hold him but ends up falling to the ground with him. One of his hands slowly caresses the younger’s hair, whose face is buried in his chest.
“Speak to me.” Seungmin’s voice comes out mumbled by the fabric, but Minho understands the message thanks to the hands that are strongly gripping his shirt.
“I’m trying, I promise I am.” Minho speaks softly, and he feels how Seungmin breaths out slowly.
“Okay.” Seungmin whispers
The younger is not hopping anything else; he knows that no more words will be spoken into the silence of his room. Guess what, he’s wrong. More words are spoken between the four walls, words that will make sure Seungmin never forgets this day.
“I’m sorry, Seungmin.”
They leave Minho’s lips as a dream, making the younger’s head spin as he tries to steady himself in the ground. The grip Seungmin has in Minho’s shirt tightens even more, as well as Minho’s arms do around him when he senses that. It’s the first time Minho hugs him, the first time he initiates the touch.
The silence fills the room again, but they don’t care because they are better in the other’s arms than what they had been in weeks. Minho’s hand patiently stroking the younger’s hair until, at some point, Seungmin falls asleep.
Minho notices it the steady breath, but mostly in the way Seungmin's fists are not tearing his shirt apart anymore, making him smile unconsciously. All Minho can think about is the way he almost loses Seungmin, the way he needed something like this to wake up and see that he cares about the younger more than what he had thought.
He can’t lose him because he will lose himself. He’s not ready to let that thought sink in, but he can accept that his life is brighter with Kim Seungmin in it, he can accept that the last weeks had been hell. Minho needs Seungmin, but he can’t accept that yet. Instead, he finds another thing.
Minho accepts that he wants Seungmin in his life.