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It had happened a total of 3 times. Graham had been keeping track. As much as he hated to admit it; Graham had been keeping track.
The first time was in the dressing room before a gig downtown. It was a small, cramped room, more like a closet than a room, Graham reasoned. Damon had come in, just chatting away like usual. Hyper, excited, bright-eyed Damon. More full of life than Graham could even hope to be. Damon was holding a shaky glass in his hand, and it hit Graham like a truck how bad he needed a drink in that moment. Just seeing Damon was enough to spike up his anxiety. It was lately that Damon had been doing that, really. Something Graham only recently noticed. When Damon would enter a room Graham's whole heart would swell, and his palms would sweat. He could feel his already, forever present, anxiety becoming even more tight in his chest.
Damon glanced over. Graham gulped.
Graham looked down at his thumbs, and swung his leg that was crossed over his other one, seated in a lumpy chair in the corner of the room. He could hear footsteps, and looked up shyly to see Damon sitting on a wooden stool across from him. His shirt was a nice wine color, and opened up three buttons down. His hair looked greasy, and his nails were dirty. But those eyes..and that stupid grin. Graham figured he probably needed to see a doctor soon, what with the sudden heat in his chest. Could be coming down with something serious.
"Hey Graham," Damon's said, tipping his glass back to take a large gulp of...whatever it was he had.
"Hey.." Graham said softly, looking at his hands. He bit his lip, watching Damon's throat move against the liquid running through it. "You think I could have a sip of that, mate?" Graham's mouth felt dry.
"'Course.." Damon said, handing it over. "But hey, I'll buy you your own if you want."
Graham took a grateful drink, and handed it back. He could already feel anxious tension leaving his body. Alcohol always, always helped.
"N-nah, it's alright, really. I just needed me a bit of a kick before we went on..it's alright really.." Graham rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he felt at a loss for words. Damon just looked at him.
"You look tense," Damon observed.
"Always am anymore.."
Damon didn't say anything for a moment. Graham kept his eyes on his shoes. A little bit dirty, they were. Graham heard Damon shift, and suddenly he was looking straight at him. He had tipped the stool forward and was barely still seated.
"You know what you need, Graham?"
"W-what's that, then?" Graham's eyes felt as wide as the moon. Damon was so close, and his eyes were that almost-blue-but-not-quite-actually-a-bit-more-green. Wow. Graham couldn't believe how he hadn't noticed that before. Intriguing, mysterious, confusing, hypnotic. Not like Graham's plain brown ones. Looking at Damon made Graham feel insecure already, but now his eyes had to come into the picture even more. Great, Graham might as well just give up on trying to look good anymore. Damon's breath smelled like alcohol. For some reason Graham liked it.
"A kiss. Calm your nerves." Damon said it so plainly, a glint in his stupid, beautiful eyes.
Graham's heart pounded in his chest. He glanced over quickly at Alex and Dave on the other side of the room. They were smoking and having a conversation totally oblivious to anything the two other guys were doing. Graham gulped. Damon couldn't possibly mean-could he?
"Graham," Damon said, turning his face back to look at him.
Graham tried to say something, but the only thing on his face that would move was his eyes. Back and forth, back and forth, flitting across Damon's pleasant features nervously. Damon smirked. He leaned in and so soft, careful, placed his lips on Graham's. Graham's was really considering that doctor now. He felt like his heart was going to explode. Damon tasted just like his drink, and his lips were that perfect meeting place between smooth and rough, the feeling rushing to Graham's brain. It was so simple, so chaste, so...friendly? Graham suddenly felt a tightness in his stomach. Right. Friendly. Damon was just trying to help Graham relax. It was nothing more. Graham still closed his eyes and melted as fast as he could before Damon pulled away.
Damon sat back, his lips seemed somehow different to Graham. Flushed and soft. Graham looked down at his dirty trainers again.
"See, Graham? Perfect remedy." Damon got up and walked away.
Graham touched his lips self-consciously. Damon was just drunk. Damon was just trying to help him out. Damon didn't enjoy it like he did. Why did Graham enjoy it so much? He stole a quick look over at Damon in the corner talking to Alex. He felt his heart swell up again, like it might explode again. Graham looked away and ruffled his hair anxiously.
"Hey, Graham, we're on in ten!" Alex called over to him. He jumped a little out of the chair.
"R-right!" He heard himself squeak. Alex chuckled. Were they talking about him?
On the way out of the room, Damon wrapped an arm around Graham's waist and kissed his cheek softly.
Did that count as a time as well? Graham didn't know.
------
The second time it happened was at Damon's flat. Damon had shot up just an hour ago before Graham had arrived. Graham was going to be mad, but he himself had been drunk out of his mind since about 5. Damon had invited him over to watch music videos on telly and eat dinner. Graham wondered if it was a bit of a date. That's why he had gotten drunk; he was incredibly anxious. Graham also wondered when he was going to make that doctor's appointment because as soon as he saw Damon sprawled out on the sofa with his tight t-shirt and messy hair, he felt that familiar warmth in his chest. No amount of alcohol seemed to be able to subside that.
"Hello!" Damon exclaimed, twisting across the sofa and falling flat on the floor. Graham giggled nervously, ruffling up his hair. Graham knew Damon was high as soon as he came within five feet of him. His shirt seemed sweaty and his eyes in a daze. Graham shot a glance at his arm; a small bruised spot with a fresher looking redder spot on top. Graham was nervous.
Damon threw his arms around him, and Graham slowly felt the memory of Damon's track marks fade, and the new memory of the way Damon smelled replace it. Damon smelled like vanilla and cinnamon, and cigarette smoke. Somehow it made Graham feel safe. He clung tighter to Damon's neck, and closed his eyes.
"Affectionate Graham? I like you this way," Damon commented.
Graham didn't want to pull away because he was afraid of looking at Damon after this. He knew he would look all frazzled and embarrassed and Damon would give him that endearing smirk. Damon didn't say anything though. He just pleasantly held him, rubbing his back, almost as if he was trying to calm him. Graham squeezed Damon tighter, inhaling more vanilla and cinnamon. Damon was so high, he probably didn't even realize what he was doing but the soft touches and warmth of his body was overwhelming Graham's already fragile emotions. Graham felt quiet tears roll down his cheeks. Fuck. Fuck.
"Graham...?" Damon asked tenderly. Graham didn't say anything for a moment, just sniffed. He was scared, so scared. Damon hugged him tighter.
"S-sorry. I'm quite drunk.." Graham said, trying to laugh to break the awkwardness.
Damon thankfully laughed back. "Hey guess what?"
"What?" Graham sniffed.
"I am too," Damon whispered into Graham's ear. Graham laughed, wiping tears from his eyes with his free hand, still keeping his other tight around Damon.
Damon pulled away slow, still keeping his arms around Graham's slim waist. Graham was so scared to look into his eyes, but before he could really think too much about just how scared he would be, Damon leaned in and closed the small gap between them with a kiss. This time was sweet, still gentle and soft, but sweeter. Graham's heart pounded, then slowed as he melted into Damon's arms around his waist. Instead of feeling anxious like he expected himself to, Graham felt growing warmth in his chest that started to spread throughout his body. Damon tasted like the vanilla he smelled like, and Graham hung tight to his shirt. The kiss felt infinitely longer than there first one. Maybe because it was more private. Or maybe Graham was just drunk. They kissed standing in the kitchen long enough to make Graham's head light. When Damon did pull away Graham didn't feel as nervous about looking him in the eyes. Even though they were those intense almost-blue-but-not-quite-actually-a-bit-more-green color that made Graham feel lots of emotions at one time.
"Wow.." Graham said out loud without even realizing it.
Damon giggled, placing a kiss on Graham's cheek.
"C'mon, let's watch telly for a bit," Damon said, dragging Graham's hand over to the sofa. Graham was in a daze. He touched his lips. They felt more beautiful to him in some way. He looked at Damon next to him on the sofa. His lips looked more beautiful too.
"Do you have any beer?"
------
The third time Graham was very, very drunk. He was very drunk and Alex and Dave were there, and they were in public. It was a bar in Liverpool after they had played a show. Everyone except Damon was in the front room drinking and smoking. Graham couldn't remember what number beer he was on, but he knew it exceeded six. Alex was smoking and chatting up some guys in a corner booth. Dave was drinking and dancing. And no one but Graham seemed concerned about where Damon was. He had been with them earlier, but somehow Graham had lost him in the sea of booze he had been consuming. Before the show Damon had been really touchy all over Graham. Tickling him, and knocking his glasses around. Ruffling his hair, poking his sides, hugging him from behind and letting his hands linger on his waist. It had made Graham very anxious so after the show he had gladly taken to drowning his emotions in alcohol, the only known cure.
Without Damon now though, Graham felt worried. He didn't know what kind of trouble Damon could get into all alone. Plus Graham was getting used to Damon always being at his side to make him safe. Graham gulped down more beer quickly.
"Alex, do you know where Damon might be?" he asked, walking over to where Alex was sitting among some very tall and handsome guys. If Graham hadn't been so drunk he would have been a lot more frightened of them. In fact, he probably wouldn't have even gone over there at all. Alex was smoking, his long, thin fingers perched at the base of his cigarette daintily. His dark hair was covering his eyes completely, and his arm without the cigarette was draped over a guy next to him. In fact his legs were almost on top of the other's man's. It was almost like they weren't even separate people; like Graham couldn't tell where one started and the other began. Graham thought about if he and Damon sat like that.He thought maybe he would like it, but he was so drunk he didn't know if he was even seeing everything clearly. Either way he must have looked pretty ridiculous standing in the middle of that group, hugging tight to his beer bottle and shuffling his feet.
Alex blew smoke down at his feet and shook his head. "Thought I saw him go into the loo earlier, but haven't seen him since then. Guess he could have passed out in there."
Graham nodded quickly, and walked off in the direction of the restrooms.
"Damon..?" he called when he walked in. "Damon..are you in here?"
He suddenly felt a bit light-headed, and slid down the wall behind him until he was sat down. He took another drink of beer to calm himself down. His vision was starting to become blurry, so he closed his eyes for a moment to steady it. It was quite warm in the restroom and Graham could feel sleepiness kicking in quickly. He figured it wouldn't be a bad place to fall asleep in, this restroom. It was really, very warm and the light wasn't too bright that it would keep him awake. Plus, Alex knew where he was if they needed to leave. He could just come in and pick him up and they'd be on their way. Graham smiled at the thought, and settled down a little more, tucking his knees up so he had a place to rest his head. He was close to nodding off when he heard that familiar voice, however slurred.
"Graham? Hey, Graham!"
Graham jolted awake to see Damon poking his head up from behind a stall.
"Did you know you were snoring? You bloody were. It was fucking loud! I thought 'now who could that be?' And it was none other than my Graham!"
Graham blushed. Was Damon drunk? Or high, maybe? Graham didn't know. He didn't know much at this point, not after Damon had just referred to him as "his Graham".
Damon hopped over and sat next to him, nuzzling his head into Graham's neck.
"Really not a bad place for a nap, though, eh Graham?"
Graham grinned, and nodded his head. He took another sip of beer. He was about to really fall asleep again, now with Damon safe and by his side, but then he noticed bruises on Damon's arm. More bruises than usual. So many more. And parts of his skin were tinged purple.
"Day..." Graham's voice was really far away.
"Hmmm?" Damon answered, looking up into Graham's eyes. Graham was still staring at Damon's bruises.
"Your arm..." he felt a little bit in a daze, like maybe the moment wasn't real.
"Was shooting up..ya know.." Damon muttered, curling his arm up and holding onto Graham.
"Day...Damon...maybe you shouldn't do that anymore. Your arm looks real messed up.."
"Nah..it heals in a few days. I don't really mind them. It's worth it, ya know?" Damon didn't seem as sleepy now, and he was looking right into Graham's eyes.
"Really..?"
"You wanna try it? I still have some left," Damon offered, sitting up.
Graham pushed his glasses up on his nose, and started ruffling his hair. Damon reached over to stop him, pulling his hands down into his own.
"I'm right here. I'll keep an eye on you and we'll both be safe."
Damon's voice was really soothing. His eyes seemed to be taunting Graham, enticing with their sublime color and energy. Was it the drugs inside them that made them look so tempting? Or had Damon's eyes really always been like this? His hands were warm too, safe like he said they would be together. Why could Damon do this so easily to him? He felt lost in every part about him.
"O-okay," Graham agreed, holding Damon's hands tightly.
Damon grinned that sloppy cute little grin and rushed over to the stall he had been in to get his needed materials. He came back, and excitedly sat back down next to Graham. He unlaced his trainer and used the lace to tie off Graham's arm. It felt really tight, uncomfortable. Graham didn't like it. It made him feel even more restricted than usual.
"Is this necessary..?" Graham asked, fidgeting a bit as Damon picked up the spoon from his pile of stuff.
"Yes. You don't want to hit the wrong vein, now do you?"
Graham gulped. He knew he was scared, but somehow he couldn't express much of any emotion. Damon walked over to the sink to fill the spoon with some water.
"Hold this," Damon handed him the spoon. He took out his bag of heroin and dumped some in the spoon. Graham watched it dissolve in the water.
"Careful about your fingers..."
He lit the spoon from underneath and watched the bubbles start to form and melt the drugs. Graham wanted to close his eyes, but Damon looked so beautiful like this. So excited, so fiery. He picked up a bag of syringes, and pulled one out. He filled it up with just a little, and then filled his own. Damon used his other shoelace to tie his arm up. Graham was trying not to shake.
"Alright. We'll do it together. I'll count to three and we will at the same time," Damon acted like it was no big deal.
"I-I don't even know where to do it," Graham didn't want to cry, but suddenly everything was flooding in and he didn't think he could stop it. Where was his beer?
Damon placed one of his fingers on one of Graham's arm veins gently. He pressed on it, and it popped up more than the others. "There," Damon said quietly, almost lovingly.
Graham nodded. He could do this. He could do this for Damon. He copied Damon's every move, stretching his arm out and placing the needle against the popped out vein slowly.
"One...two...three!" All the words seemed to flood from Damon's mouth so fast, and before Graham really grasped what had happened, he had shot the heroin up into this bloodstream. His whole body tingled, and he felt like his breath had been knocked right from him. Damon had his head cocked back in pure ecstasy, and Graham suddenly wasn't sure if he had lost his breath because of the drugs or because of Damon. He felt his heart beating so irregularly, and he wanted to hold onto Damon to feel safer. He didn't want his emotions to run out of control. Before he could even say anything though, Damon was on top of him, grabbing his cheeks and pressing their lips together. Graham closed his eyes, falling apart fast and out of his control. Damon's kiss was messy, hungry, absolutely on top of the world. Graham could feel it all in his kiss. Damon was rough this time unlike the other kisses. He was rough, but it didn't hurt. In fact, Graham thought this was the best feeling he had experienced in a long time. Damon's hands rubbed Graham's sides as if he knew he would enjoy it. Graham felt that burning in his heart again, and remembered that heroin could kill you. He wondered if that burning meant he was going to die. No sense in going to the doctor now. He decided that he didn't really mind though because there was no where else he could imagine dying. No where else seemed like the right place to die besides in Damon's arms. Did that mean he loved Damon? Probably.
Graham separated their lips. Damon looked tired.
"I....I think I love you," Graham's voice sounded less shaky than he thought it would.
Damon blinked blankly, just staring down at Graham. He touched his cheek tenderly, caressing his skin with his thumb. "I think...I like the way your voice sounds when you say that. But we're both really high right now. I can't exactly feel my arm..so why don't you tell me that again tomorrow, Graham, honey."
Damon initiated another kiss, and Graham tangled his fingers in Damon's messy hair. He liked the sound of that. He liked Damon's lips, he liked Damon's hands on his face, he liked Damon's goofy, fun-loving smile, he liked Damon's almost-blue-but-not-quite-actually-a-bit-green eyes that sparkled when he looked at him. He probably wasn't going to tell Damon that again tomorrow. Graham didn't remember much when he was sober, and he definitely wasn't as confident. That's okay.
It had happened 3 times. Graham had been keeping track. He wasn't sure when it would happen again. He wasn't sure if it would happen again. How far would he have to go to get it to happen again? How low?