Chapter Text
Rectify Our Mistakes
Chapter One: Truths & Revelations
Thunderstorms invaded the city of Alexandria. Trees swished back and forth as rain pounded on the windows.
Just as the storm raged outside, so was the nightmare brewing inside the woman fighting against demons which plagued her. Her hair and bed clothes clung to her sweat covered body, trapping her deeper in the mire, stealing every breath she attempted.
That night her world became upended into chaos flashed by in startling, disturbing images...
--
“I can’t do it, Red,” she said as the gun fell to her side.
--
“Red,” she mumbled in her sleep.
--
Red stepped forward, eyes soft on her. She saw his line-of-sight shift from her to something... dark, menacing... foreboding.
An ominous shadow neared, looming over them like Death, his scythe gleaming and poised to deliver a striking blow to her back.
--
“No, please,” she begged, her voice more distressed as she clawed at the pillows and bedsheets.
--
Everything moved in slow motion…
Red pushed her away…
She watched as he went down… her body collided with the ground.
She watched in horror as the dark, menacing figure in front of her morphed into the assassin sent to kill her.
Realizing she maintained her grip on the gun, she fired twice… both bullets implanted in his chest.
--
“Hang on, please,” she begged in her sleep.
--
She rushed for him. Blood was pouring out of his mouth. Dembe went to work, trying to help him.
She heard Cooper in the background, calling for an ambulance.
Someone pulled her from him. She turned her head to see Ressler pulling her away, his grip tight on her arms.
“He needs me! What are you doing?!” she screamed at him.
“Let Dembe help him, Liz!” Ressler yelled back. Liz turned and tried to smack him away. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Park verifying Vandyke was indeed dead.
“Ressler! Let me go!” She screamed.
--
“Let me go, you idiot.” Elizabeth rolled to her back. Sweat poured from every inch of her body. Her breathing erratic, her eyes searching back and forth even in her sleep.
--
She finally got out of Ressler’s hold. She turned, only to be greeted by a huge blood stain on the ground. She looked up, and saw Dembe shoving Red into the backside of their vehicle. “Dembe! Wait!” She ran as fast as her legs could take her…
But it was no use.
She watched as the vehicle sped down the roadway.
Two weeks she searched high and low for them. She knew where all of their safe houses were, she knew all of his favorite restaurants, she even knew his favorite spots to visit… still, no sign of either of them.
After hundreds of phone calls and pacing the floor for two weeks, she heard the door close. She rushed from the living room to the front door, but only saw Dembe standing there.
"Where have you guys been? I’ve been worried sick! Why didn’t you call me? Why isn’t Red with you?” she blurted out, obviously angry with the both of them.
Dembe didn’t answer. He just stood there, looking at her with sad eyes.
Elizabeth’s stomach dropped.
“Dembe,” she began, a knot forming in her throat. “Where is Red?”
Dembe looked to the floor.
" I’m sorry, Elizabeth.”
--
Elizabeth’s eyes shot open.
Every emotion she experienced that day came flooding back to her.
She jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom, practically falling in front of the toilet as the contents of her stomach emptied into the bowl. She felt the sting of the bile as it burned the back of her throat. That still didn't compare to the pain she was feeling in her chest....
In her heart...
In her soul...
She placed her cheek on the side of the toilet bowl. The cool porcelain definitely felt nice on her hot skin. She sat there a moment, trying desperately to breathe deeply… and to regain some semblance of control to stop her body from trying to rid itself of contents that were no longer present.
Finally confident that no more contents would be coming back up, she slowly picked herself off the tile floor.
She stripped her soaked pajamas off and stepped into the shower. The hot water cascading down her body felt amazing as it washed away the sticky remnants of her nightmare...
But it didn't wash away the memories.
The tears came.
She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide her shame from the world. It didn't work.
Shame and guilt were becoming old friends.
I should've been there, she thought. I should've been with him. I needed to be with him.
Raymond Reddington's last moments on this planet will always be a mystery to her. Never again will she see his smile, or hear his laugh...
Please… please let this be a dream!!!
Never again will she hear one of his eccentric tales of the past, conveying the parallels of the past to the present circumstances... A practice she was always impatient with.
Now... she was longing for it.
I just need to see him one more time…
She wanted more than anything to be in his presence once again… to hear his voice one more time...
But she knew she would never hear it again...
Raymond Reddington was dead...
And it was her fault.
If it wasn't for me, he'd still be alive.
The weight of the consequences of her actions crippled her...
She fell to her knees, the water poured over her as she sobbed, once again, for the man who had been her entire life.
--
Day break finally came... but rest did not. She got herself ready for the day... patiently waiting for Dembe's instruction on what the planned events of the day would hold for her.
Today they would deliver a new name from The Blacklist to Ressler.
She groaned internally.
Ressler...
He was the last person on the planet she wanted to see right now...
He had been blowing her phone up with missed calls and ignored text messages... none of which she had any desire to explain away as just “being busy running a criminal empire”.
She was his CI now...
Not his partner…
Not his lover…
NOT his girlfriend.
Upon Dembe’s arrival, she climbed into the back seat of the vehicle. She looked over the information quickly, wanting to get this meeting over with as quickly as possible.
The drive over was slow… the streets and neighborhoods were filled with celebration. Independence Day was always one of her favorite holidays… the fireworks, good food, even the day off was much appreciated. But seeing all the bright, smiling faces… the children playing… it was a lightness she longed for at this very moment.
Once they arrived at the designated meeting spot, she discovered Ressler was already there. She sighed heavily, watching him from the car. His leg was tapping… he was anxious.
“This must be done, Elizabeth,” Dembe said softly.
“I know,” she started. “But then, I also want to knock him into next week.” She opened the door and marched to the bench he was sitting on. As soon as Ressler saw her, he immediately rose from the bench.
“Liz, thank God!” He rushed to her, slightly raising his arms to pull her to him.
“Don’t!” Liz declared, holding her hand up to stop his actions. “You are the last person I need a hug from right now,” she gritted through her teeth.
Ressler was flabbergasted.
“Do you have any idea how worried I have been?”
“Yes, actually, I have.”
“So, you did get my messages.”
“Yes, every single one.” She handed the folder to him. “You’ll find all the information you need for the newest Blacklister in the folder. Try to be on your guard, apparently this guy likes to macramé with the small intestines of his victims.” She turned on her heel, ready to dash away from him.
“So that’s it?” Ressler called to her. “This is all you have to say to me?” Liz stopped in her tracks. The anger she had been fighting to keep at bay was quickly boiling over. She turned on her heel and marched back to him, practically getting in his face.
“Yes, Ressler, that’s all I have to say to you, you want to know why? Because I’m busy running a dead’s man empire now!” Ressler was taken aback.
“What?”
“Yes,” her voice cracked. “Reddington is dead.”
“Liz, I’m so sorry.” Once again, he rose his arms to embrace her.
“Don’t you touch me!” she quickly stepped back. Tears formed in her eyes.
Don’t you dare! She scolded herself. Don’t you dare cry in front of him!
“I should’ve been there with him. I should’ve done something,” she began, shaking her head as she stared at the ground. “I can try to blame you all I want to, you did after all pull me away from him…” she paused to regain her composure. “But the truth is he is dead because of me. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of truths in the past couple of weeks… so here is another truth that I need you to understand completely.” She mustered her courage, looked up from the ground and looked him in the eyes.
“That night was a mistake. I’ve known it for a long time, and now… you know it.” Ressler let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. This meeting with her was not going the way he had hoped.
“I do care for your well-being, Ressler. I don’t ever want anything to happen to you, and the same thing goes for everyone on the Task Force… but I don’t, nor will I ever, love you.” Ressler nodded his head and dropped his gaze to the ground.
“Going forward, I need you to understand that our relationship will only be that of Handler and CI.” She paused a moment, feeling herself calm. “This is what I want, and I hope one day you will understand.” Ressler nodded his head.
“I’ll keep you posted on our status with this perp,” he said, still not looking at her.
“Excellent. You all be safe.” With that, she turned on her heel, and bee-lined for the vehicle.
Dembe didn’t say a word when she returned to the vehicle. He immediately started the vehicle, and pulled out into traffic.
Liz looked out the window, taking in the sights of the city around her while contemplating what she had just done.
Liz hated the act of “breaking up” with someone… watching their face as she broke their heart… but in this instance, it had to be done. There was nothing in her heart for him, and there never would be. Even the night she slept with him she knew she felt nothing for him…
That night…
Just thinking about it made her stomach churn. She used him for comfort, nothing more… but even then, the comfort he did provide wasn’t good at all. She closed her eyes and shook her head.
I can’t believe I did that… I can’t believe I actually slept with him…
She meant no ill-will toward Ressler, in fact she even wished him the best in his personal endeavors…
But Ressler was not what she wanted or needed…
The only man she needed so desperately right now was gone thanks to her.
I would trade my soul just to hear his laugh one more time…
She swiped the tears from her cheeks. She had business to attend to… It wouldn’t be good to show up with swollen eyes and red cheeks.
Get yourself together… just for a little while… do it for him…
--
Elizabeth stood by the big picture window, watching Agnes play with her nanny, Nyla. She was grateful the house came with a play set. She wanted Agnes to be comfortable in their new life.
She closed her eyes as more feelings of regret engulfed her.
What kind of mother have I been to my child…
The realization made the lump in her throat impossible to swallow. Her child has had an absent mother for the majority of her life…. An absent mother with a hell-bent obsession she couldn’t let go.
Maybe I should have given her up for adoption… her life would’ve been so much different…. So much better…
“Elizabeth.” Dembe’s soft voice stirred her away from her musings. She turned, seeing him holding that damn envelope.
She snarled, and turned back to the window.
“He wanted you to have this, Elizabeth. His sacrifice will be in vain if you do not open it.”
Elizabeth scoffed.
“He wouldn’t have had to make the sacrifice if I had kept my nose out of places it didn’t belong.” She looked at him. “He’s dead because of me, Dembe.” Her voice cracked. “How can you stand there and not hate me for what I did to him?” Her voice rose, tears began streaming down her cheeks.
“How can you stand there, as calmly as you do, and help me day-in and day-out with each task I have to do… knowing what I have done and tried to do to him. He was your brother, Dembe. You were the one that was most loyal to him.”
Her face fell to her hands as she sobbed a few moments, the weight of her actions finally hitting a peak almost beyond her control. She calmed, and slowly looked back up to Dembe… trying her best to wipe away the remnants of her break down.
“All he ever wanted was loyalty, from me…. And yet I betrayed him, time and time again.” All she could manage was a whisper. The harsh reality of her epiphany hit like an arrow in the heart. How many times had he felt that way when she had done all those horrible things to him?
Dembe slowly stepped to her. He stood in front of her now, eyes soft on her.
“Raymond understood what the consequences of our actions could be… and yet, we still allowed things to happen that could have been avoided.” Elizabeth looked down again, too ashamed to look her friend in the eye. Dembe placed his finger under her chin, and lifted her face to look at him.
“That being said…” Dembe continued. “Your happiness was always Raymond’s priority. The information in this envelope he kept concealed for so many years because he believed this information would hinder your happiness. That was not an option for him.”
Dembe paused a moment, to allow her to digest the words.
“Please, open the envelope. It’s what he would have wanted. He would want you to know the truth after all this time.”
Dembe handed her the envelope, and softly smiled at her.
“Do not let his sacrifice be in vain.” Dembe turned and left the house.
Elizabeth stood there for what seemed hours, just looking at the envelope. Holding it now… she felt more disgusted with herself more than ever.
Do not let his sacrifice be in vain.
The words echoed in her mind. His sacrifice….
He shouldn’t have had to sacrifice anything!!!
The storm inside her roared more than ever. The anger she felt towards herself finally boiling over.
You don’t deserve to know the truth.
She gripped the envelope in both hands, ready to rip it to shreds. Who he was didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was who he was to her…
She loved him.
She loved him with all her heart, and yet gathering the strength to rip the blasted thing was proving impossible.
Your happiness was always Raymond’s priority….
Do not let his sacrifice be in vain…
She couldn’t do it… she couldn’t rip it.
She relaxed and took a deep breath. Her grip on the envelope lessened a bit.
He wanted me to know… after all this time, he wanted me to know…
Slowly, she worked her finger into the envelope flap. Her heart was racing… so many bittersweet feelings engulfed her.
She was finally learning the truth, and yet… she didn’t feel happy about it… at all.
She sighed as she pulled out two folded pieces of paper.
The first one she unfolded… was a Certificate of Marriage.
Wait… what???
She read the date… September… 2015…
This certifies Raymond Reddington and Elizabeth Keen were united in Marriage…
Wait, wait, wait, wait…
She read the line again… and again… and again…
It didn’t change… The words didn’t fade, didn’t blur…
Her breathing accelerated.
We were married???
Quickly, she unfolded the second sheet of paper.
She read the top of the sheet…
Paternity Test???
She continued reading… he had a paternity test done…
For Agnes.
Elizabeth held her breath.
Probability of Paternity… 99.995%.
Both sheets of paper fell from her hands.
Her hands shook. Her breathing accelerated. The new epiphanies a shock she didn’t see coming.
There’s no way… could there?
She had to say the words aloud… otherwise she wouldn’t believe it.
“He…” she began. “He was her father.” At first, she couldn’t believe it. All this time, she thought it was Tom…
“He was her father,” she said, this time a smile slowly spread on her face. “He was her father,” she said, almost giddily. Her smile almost overtook her face.
“He was my husband.” She never thought those words would leave her mouth. She laughed happily, she jumped around… doing her own version of a ‘happy dance’.
“He was my husband!” she proclaimed proudly.
But… the high of her enjoyment came crashing down as realization hit once again.
“He was my husband,” she said somberly. Tears formed in her eyes as her breathing accelerated again. “He was my husband.” Anger rose in her voice, her fists formed into balls…
“He was my husband!”
A vase was thrown, and shattered against a wall…
Coffee tables were turned on their sides…
A fireplace poker swung and destroyed whatever it came into contact with…
Mirrors, paintings, and pictures were destroyed…
Elizabeth had never felt anger like this before. She couldn’t control it.
She needed to destroy anything and everything in her path.
She eventually tired. She dropped the poker as she tried to catch her breath.
She wiped her hands across her face to move the tendrils of hair that stuck to her forehead… but instead, all she could do was cover her face, once again, in shame.
The tears returned ten-fold.
She fell to her knees…
I betrayed my husband.
Two weeks ago, she thought she knew what guilt was…
She had never been more wrong in her life.
I… betrayed… my husband.
The words repeated themselves in her head, over and over again.
She collapsed to the floor in the middle of all the destruction, covering her face with her hands and arms.
All strength left her body… All desire to live on evaporated into the air…
Living didn’t matter anymore.
She wanted to die… she wanted this pain to end…
This pain… this agonizing pain was more than she could bear.
She couldn’t say the words aloud… she didn’t need to because she believed it.
She knew the truth now.
She finally knew who Raymond Reddington was to her.
The words repeated themselves once again…
He was my husband.