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For the first time in centuries he didn't feel left behind or chosen second, he thought. No - the friendship, if he had to send her a sign, then maybe this one - or was it more of a kind of deep affection? Every time he was around Mobius, he felt safe and warmly welcomed. He'd better not think about the strange feeling that spread all over his chest and made his cheeks lighten in a completely ridiculous way every damn time Mobius so much as simply smiled at Loki. No, he wouldn't think about that. Like at all. Ever again. Period.
Loki was in a good mood. Mobius introduced him to the enjoyment of coffee and a good breakfast in the morning. It varied between scrambled eggs, muffins and - his favorite - pancakes. The two men have made it a habit to hang out together over different meals. To be honest, they became almost inseparable. In addition to eating together, they also spend a lot of time looking for clues as to where to find this unbearable and, of course lesser, Loki Variant in the archives or even in Mobius' apartment. On some days, when they got so carried away that they only talked about nothing special, but about everything at once, Loki stayed in Mobius' guest room instead of returning to his windowless "room". A room that felt terribly like a prison cell. Loki hated it. It was cold and dark, and he felt so lonely. Almost every night he woke up from another nightmare, shivering and covered in cold sweat. Loki never said a word to Mobius about it, but he secretly knew the older man just knows. Mobius has always treated him a way that hardly anyone has ever done. The only exception was this mother. Mobius reminded him of Frigga in many ways. His warm smile, his encouraging words, the small gestures that showed him how much Mobius ... what? Cared for him? Maybe actually liked being around him? He didn’t know. Loki really didn't have a clue. He was just sure that when he slept near Mobius, sleeping in the same apartment surprisingly seemed to count, the next morning he felt more relaxed than ever. And waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee brightened his day a little more.
Long story short - Today was one of those days. They got so carried away by Loki’s childhood stories yesterday. Mobius couldn't seem get enough of Loki telling him about all the mischief he came up with while growing up in Asgard. When Loki found himself yawning on Mobius couch the Analyst had just smiled and told him that he was always welcomed to stay overnight. Loki had gladly accepted. Now he had spent a lazy morning reading some variant files in the archives so far. Mobius, Loki recalled he told him, had to attend some boring meetings in the morning. They decided to meet again for lunch and Loki was on his way to pick him up right now. He knew the older man so well by now that he wouldn't rely on him regularly reminding himself to take breaks.
Loki reached Mobius office, as he had planned, just in time. The door was slightly open and just as he was about to knock to announce his presence, he heard his name being spoken.
“Loki is reckless and dangerous Mobius! You can’t keep telling me you trust him.”
“Come on Ravonna! Do you think so less of me?” Mobius chuckled nervously. Please let me be convincing enough he nearly pleaded. If Ravonna thought, it would be too risky to let Loki wander around all by himself – or even worse: if she considered him being a treat to the TVA and orders to prune him – he would be gone. Out of Mobius reach, both mentally and physically. The Analyst needed Loki to be by his side. As simple and plain as it sounded, but he couldn’t stand the thought of not having the god close to him.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about Mobius! I trust you. But I also know about your spot for broken things. All I’m asking is for you to be careful!” She actually did sound concerned about his well-being.
“That’s so thoughtful of you. But I’ll be all good. I’ll keep him on a short leash and tell him what he wants to hear. I wish you could see how desperate he is for my approval. It’s pathetic, and he is so weak!” The know of guilt that had been built up in his stomach was about to burst. But he could see he was getting close to his goal. Ravonna believed him. Also, Loki would never know anything about what he just said. Nothing about Loki was pathetic or weak. Naturally Mobius knew about the nightmares that made it hard for him to sleep. He also knew that they seem to come less frequently when he stayed with Mobius. So, the grey-haired man tried to make him stay with him as often as he could without arousing suspicions.
Ravonna raised an eyebrow, still suspicious but what else could she do rather than trust the man he knew all her life? “All right.” She signed. “You deal with this Variant problem!” She raised to her feet and headed for the door.
Mobius felt a deep relieve. “Don’t worry. I won’t let you down.” Loki, he inserted in his thoughts. He would never let anything happen to his Loki. He gave her a halfhearted smile and too left his chair to head for the Archives to pick up Loki for their promised lunch.
On the other side of the door panic rose in Loki. He needed to get away from there. Any second now Ravonna and Mobius were about to leave his office. They can’t see Loki loitering around, eavesdropping like this. Too many thoughts clouded his head, he felt his breathing quicken and his heart beating way too fast. He needed to escape, run. Those were the things he was good at. Panting he turned on his heel, crashing into Casey while doing so.
“Hey Loki. What’s up? You’re all good?” Casey smiled at him. Casey always seemed to smile. Loki couldn’t answer. His mouth was too dry to answer. His breathing was way too quick. It felt like none of the air even reached his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. He’s pathetic and weak Mobius words echoed over and over in his head, growing louder with each passing seconds. Loki just wanted them so stop. He once again turned around and ran. Leaving a puzzled Casey behind. “Yeah, thanks for the talk man.” He threw his arms up in the air, dejected.
***
Mobius felt horrible after the talk, every second of it had given his heart a sting. All he wanted to do was finding Loki, wrapping his arms around him and forget how those words made him feel. Ravonna just won’t go off their backs. And lying to her, telling her that he had Loki wrapped around his little finger (when it absolutely was the other way round) seemed to persuade her for the moment.
"Hey Mobius." He must have been deep in thoughts, still standing in front of the closed door that led to his office. "Casey, hi. How are you doing?" Mobius smiled. He liked Casey.
"Good, thanks. You're looking for Loki? He just left. Quite in a hurry actually." He did what now?? Mobius felt his heart and his jaw dropping. “Where did he go?” His heart started racing. He couldn’t have got very far. “Casey!” Mobius grabbed the shorter man by his arms. He had to hold back from shaking him to get an answer.
“I…I have no idea! I told him ‘Hi’ and he left me standing here!”
“Crap!” Mobius run his hands through his hair. What did Loki pick up from his talk with Ravonna? And where the hell did, he go? He needed to find him. Without even realizing it his feet drag him away from his office in search for the god.
“Oh, how lovely, just like you just did!” Casey called after him. With one last look at where the analyst went, he shook his head and walked the other way.
***
Tears began to blur Loki’s vision. He had no clue where he was running at. He just was running away from everything. The office, the possibility of facing Mobius, the words the grey-haired man just said. He so much wanted to run from the pain they gave Loki. His chest hurt. He couldn’t breathe. It was all too tight. He couldn’t breathe. He let go of his tie. It didn’t chance anything. He stumbled forward. His feet had drag him to an all too familiar floor. He didn’t know that it was even possible, but his chest slightly tightened further. He was standing in front of Mobius quarters. Loki needed something to hold onto. His hands found the doorknob. With one push the door opened. The gasped that escaped his mouth sounded awful much like a sob but he couldn’t care less. Nobody was watching him. Nobody ever gave a damn about Loki anyway. Nobody cared. He more tripped than walked inside of the apartment. Coming here normally meant entering a place where he felt safe, and, above all, wanted. Mobius living space was warm, cozy and, in a way, like home. From the first second it had reminded him of his chambers in the palace. One entire wall was covered with large bookshelves with literature from all the centuries Loki could think of. They gave the living room a slight scent of an old library. The cushions on the large couch were all in different shades of green. Loki inhaled sharply, trying to force the air inside his lungs. He still couldn’t breathe. It was all too much, all too hot. He tumbled towards the bathroom. His hands clenched at the edge of the sink, trembling. It took all his strength to glace into the mirror. Pathetic. That’s what he thought when he saw this reflection staring back at him. His eyes were all red and puffy, his tears have left their marks on his cheeks. His whole face was all flustered an red. Pathetic! He hated what he saw. He let out one loud growl and smashed his hand into the glass. It shattered into a thousand pieces. His right arm hung loosely down his side. He heard the blood dripping on the bathroom floor. Loki couldn’t care less. Once again tears were streaming down his face.
All the kindness Loki received from Mobius in the past few days, or had it been weeks or month already? Nobody knows how exactly time works at the TVA to be honest. All the kind words of comfort. It all had been one big lie. A cruel, elaborate trick to lull him to safeness. To gain his trust. Loki knew from the beginning something was off. Mobius had to gain something from being so nice to him all the time. Nobody ever did nice things to Loki. Nobody cared. Especially not Mobius. He slid down the closed door and let his head fall back on the solid wood while closing his eyes. Nobody cared for him.
***
“Where did you go? Hell Loki, where are you?” Mobius went everywhere. The Achieves, the time theater, their table in the cafeteria. He even went to Loki’s room. He ended up in front of his office once again. There was one possibility left. He hardly doubted Loki would hide there but it was worth a shot. He headed towards his apartment. The whole time he was looking for the good didn’t help a bit to calm him down. When he reached the floor, his heart might as well leapt out of his chest. It quickened even more when he saw that his door wasn’t closed completely. He took one deep breath and entered his apartment.
“Loki?” He called quietly. He didn’t want to scare him off, not again. No answer. “Loki?” A little louder this time. Frustration rose in him, culminating in one loud growl. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing them violently all over his face. He screwed up. Big time. He let him down, the only thing he swore never to do. All he ever wanted was for him to be okay. But he needed to find him first. Then he heard it. A soft sob, a heavy breathing. He followed the sound. It let him to his bathroom. He saw a light shimmering under the closed door.
“Loki? Are you in there? May I come in, please?" Mobius signed deep and let his forehead rest against the closed wooden door. Tears began falling down his cheeks. "Please I’m sorry! I didn't mean a word I said. " He whispered, hoping Loki would hear it. "I just wanted Ravonna to go off my back.” Mobius gathered all his courage, took one deep breath, and pushed the doorknob down to enter his bathroom.
He found Loki crawled up on the bathroom floor, pieces of the broken mirror surrounding him. His hand stopped bleeding a while ago.
“Oh Loki!” If it was even possible Mobius felt his heart break more, he imagined it being shattered in his chest just like the pieces of his former mirror on the floor. He slowly got down on his knees. “Here. Let me take care of you.” He reached for the gods hand to take it in his own. Loki didn’t even flinch, his eyes were fixed on some spot on the far end of the room. If it weren’t for the soft murmur that escaped him, Mobius wasn’t able to tell whether he even realized somebody was by his side. “What was that?” Slowly Loki turned his head and locked his blue eyes with Mobius’s.
“You don’t care. Nobody cares.” He ran out of tears a long time ago.
“Of course, I care for you Loki!” Mobius answered right away. He didn’t need a second to think about what he wanted to respond.
Loki once again turns his head and closed his eyes. “You’re lying. I know you are.” It hurt, everything hurt. Breathing, talking, his hand… Who would ever care for him? Pathetic! You deserve to be alone, and you always will be! You were born to cause pain and suffering and death. That’s how it is and that's how it was, that’s how it always will be. Nobody will ever care for pathetic, unworthy, untrustful Loki. You will never be the best version of yourself. He didn’t want to cry in front of him. It would just made him look even more weak and miserable. But he couldn’t stop another tear that ran down his face.
"Shh. It’s okay Loki. Everything is going to be alright.” Mobius gently cupped Loki’s cheek and brushed away a teardrop. This time Loki couldn’t stand it. The other man’s touch was too much, just too soft… just too good to be true. He turned his head away and ran his own hand over his face hoping to calm himself down. “Go away Mobius!” His voice was raw. He hated the sound of it right now. All too fragile and powerless. If he was totally honest with himself there was nothing, he wanted more than being touched by Mobius. He wanted him to hold him tight, maybe even ran his hands through his hair. He longed for the analyst to tell him that he in fact lied to Ravonna but not to Loki. If only what he said earlier was the true. That he truly cared for him. But if Mobius was lying… Loki knew he couldn’t take it. It would completely break him.
“I certainly will do no such thing!” Mobius said determinedly. He rose to his feet and held out his hand for Loki to take it. “Let’s get you some place more comfortable.”
Loki swallowed hard. He wanted to trust Mobius. He really did. His eyes slowly moved from the grey-haired mans outstretched hand up to his face. The god of mischief and lies couldn’t make out the latter in Mobius face. He looked down at him in a way nobody did in a very, very long time. His lips were curled up in a small, encouraging smile. There was no lie in his eyes. Loki decided to give it a shot. He needed Mobius, maybe he wouldn’t let him down. All Loki could do was hope for what he said to be true. Slowly he raised his hand to grab Mobius’s, whose smile grew a little wider, and accepted the help to get him on his feet.
Standing, Loki immediately had to close his eyes and might have been falling down again if it hadn’t been for Mobius to support his weight and catch him. He felt dizzy and could see sparks fly even with his eyelids closed.
“Wow. Take it easy there, Sweetheart. How long have you been sitting here?” Maybe Loki just imagined the concern in the other man’s voice given the state he was in. And… did Mobius just use a pet name on him? “A while.” He weakly responded and didn’t have the strength to fight against Mobius, whose hand rested on his lower back. Mobius was really worried about the god. He was pale, his eyes were red and lifeless. There was no smile, no spirit neither in his face, nor in his entire body. He let himself being guided by the grey-haired man, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground.
“Sit down, I’ll be right back.” And without even thinking about I Loki did as he was told. He was so tired, too tired actually to start thinking about what Mobius was up to now. Loki decided to trust him, and he would, at least for now. His whole body ached from sitting on the cold floor for so long, his hand, as well as his throat still hurt.
When Mobius came back, his first aid kit in one, and a steaming cup of tea in the other hand, he found Loki just where he left him sitting on his bed. His shoulders hung low, as was his head, which resulted in his face being covered by his long, black hair. “Loki?” He whispered, while sitting down next to him on the bed. “I brought you some tea. It might help with the cold.” The god didn’t respond but nevertheless his hand slowly moved up to take the cup out of Mobius hands. He took a small sip. Green Tea with honey. It was his favorite. “Thank you.” He mumbled. Mobius heart felt a little lighter when he saw that Loki’s lips so much as curled up in the tiniest smile.
“Can I take care of you hand please?” The nod that Loki gave him was enough to stretch out his own hand to take the injured one. Carefully he cleaned the wounds, disinfected them – not without noticing a faint flinch while doing so, and finally put a clean bandage on them. When he was done, he saw that Loki’s head once again had fallen on his chest, his eyes closed, and the now empty teacup hung dangerously on his fingers as if it could fall to the ground every second. He must be really exhausted.
Mobius chuckled. It took all his willpower to not reach out and stroke a strand of Loki’s black hair behind his ear. “Don’t you think it would be cozier to lie down?”
Loki’s head snapped up. It took him a second to relocate himself. Then he found Mobius eyes looking at him so caring. “Yeah, I’ll probably should be on my way.” The tried to push himself off the bed.
“Come on, don’t be silly. You can hardly keep your eyes open. Here…” Mobius got up and grabbed something out of his drawer. “I guess they are a little bit big on you, but I don’t think you’ll mind. Get some rest Lokes.” With a wink he put a T-Shirt and some sweatpants in Loki’s hands, then he turned to leave the room.
Loki felt his heart beating faster. He didn’t want to be left alone. All day long he was alone, and it didn’t do him any good. “Mobi…” He swallowed hard. Why was it so hard to tell him what he wanted? “Could you…? Would you…?” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Please stay with me.”
“Okay.” Mobius couldn’t keep himself from smiling. Naturally he didn’t want to leave Loki in the first place.
***
Loki laid on his side, arms wrapped tightly around Mobius and his head resting on the other men's chest. As far as he was concerned, they could stay like this for all eternity. "This is nice." He mumbled, not quite sure if he actually said it out loud in the first place. He must have because he felt Mobius's chest vibrating from a soft laugh. Mobius hands traveled their way up from Loki’s back to his hairs where he begun massaging his scalp slightly. Loki couldn’t resist giving a satisfied sigh that awfully much sounded like a purr. Mobius chuckled again "So what now? You're a little pussycat after all?" Loki snuggled closer - if this was even possible - to Mobius chest. “Oh shut up, will you?”
"Go to sleep Loki. Nobody will ever hurt you again. Not as long as I'm here." Mobius waited until his breathing evened out. Loki’s head sunk deeper onto his chest, and he felt the god relax. He slowly pulled up the blanket up to cover Loki’s shoulders to keep him warm, nuzzling his cheeks gently on Loki’s head he closed his eyes to finally get some rest as well.