Archive of Our Own

Chan wonders, sometimes, if they would be proud of him if they could see him now. He hopes so.

they'd feel sorry they'd hate what I've become

Regardless, it means that when the Corps ship announces they're going to be docked near the pleasure planet Ba'ku and the whole crew will have ten days to spend as they please, he's quite curious and very excited. He knows, objectively, what a forest is- he's walked through a simulated one, even, on an educational holodeck trip when he was in school- but nearly all of the planet's landmass are supposed to be covered in trees. The Corps has arranged for a number of cabins to be rented to the crew, and Felix agreed to put in for one the moment Chan looked at him with hope leaping in his chest, so he's really going to see it for himself.

Sure, his belly feels like a bowling ball with how pregnant he is, and his joints ache so badly he probably won't be able to walk around and enjoy the sights as much as he would normally, but he's determined to enjoy himself. Doctor Park isn't happy, which does make him worry a bit, but once they settle on coming back to the ship for a couple check-ins during leave they have the green light.

When Chan gets his first look at land, down on the platform the transporter deposited he and Felix and a few others who'll be living close, he can only stand stock-still, staring. It's so green. This planet is supposed to be similar to the early human homeworld- plants produce something similar to chlorophyll, and there's plenty of liquid water, though the fauna is mostly small organisms, with most predators living few and far between. It's the perfect place for an idyllic retreat.

Eventually, though, the attendant politely insists that they shift off the platform so that other visitors can arrive. Chan flushes and takes Felix's hand to steady himself coming down the stairs. There are other breeders and their alphas in the party, of course, but Chan's having a bad knee and ankle day, so he hangs back and lets himself go slow.

There are more Ba'ku people waiting at the bottom to lead them to their individual places, and the person that leads Chan and Felix down a shaded trail is warm and friendly, gesturing widely as they speak with their hands and thin tail. They're assured that should they need for anything, no matter the time or the seeming inconvenience, they should call.

"My name is Rhyll, and if you have any questions, please do feel free to ask for me," they say, their odd lilting accent skipping over the Basic. "I so enjoy when the Corps sends their breeders here- human pregnancy is so rare, it's fascinating, and omegas are so polite."

Felix narrows his eyes, but Chan preens, charmed. Felix praises him so often for how sweet he is, but it's nice to hear it from other people, too. Felix's praise gets the strongest reaction, of course, but his collar still gives him a hit of endorphins when anyone tells him he's done well.

Then they break into a cleared area, and even the daze of happy chemicals is dwarfed by the awe at the view again. They're at the top of a rise, and the little house they saw pictures of is halfway down the gently sloping hill, but at the bottom there's a glittering freshwater lake and more trees covering the rolling hills as far as the eye can see. It's utterly picturesque. And big. It'd be perfect for swimming or running if he was in any kind of shape for it.

Well, he can float. The pool in their quarters does feel good when he does, taking his weight so he doesn't have to carry it. If the water is safe, maybe he'll go down there a few times.

Rhyll chatters in their odd high-pitched voice, and after a moment Chan realizes they're laughing. "I hope you enjoy your time here, valued clients. As I said- if you need anything, you only have to ask."

Felix softens a little, pulling Chan in and kissing him on the temple before nodding cordially at Rhyll. "Thank you. We appreciate it. I think we'd like some privacy to get settled in, though."

"Of course. Have a good day." Rhyll bows and turns away back down the trail, and Chan waves absently, still taking in the sights. The sky above is just as huge as the land, pale blue cut through by the planet's rings. All together, Chan thinks he could never get tired of looking at it.

Felix tugs him down the hill, though, interrupting his staring. "C'mon, Channie, let's get inside," he says, flashing a quick smile backwards. "Don't you want to get off your feet?"

Well. He's right, as always. And the breeder uniform, adapted for the chill of the ship, feels stifling with how warm and humid it is here. He'd like to change before getting a real start on relaxing into this place.

It takes a moment to find the bedroom, where their things have been deposited before they arrived, but once they do and Chan is rummaging though the wardrobe for the casual paternity things they had delivered, Felix wraps his arms around Chan's chest and mouths at his neck, making him squeak.

"Felix," Chan says, once he's got his breath back. "Do you want..?", because while Chan only gets knotted once a week now that intense sex saps so much of his limited energy and it's only been a couple days, he'd thought Felix might like to be indulged on this trip. He just didn't think it'd be so soon.

"Always," comes Felix's gruff reply. "Want to take care of you too, though. How are your knees?"

Chan's knees fucking hurt, as they always do. But he wants to be good. He can deal with a little pain, and later he'll go have a soak and see if they'll get a little less swollen.

He just sighs and closes the wardrobe- no point in getting changed if he makes a mess of himself right away- then turns around and sinks to his knees, hoping the motion is sexy instead of pained.

But Felix's brow still has that little crease in the middle that means he's feeling some inkling of Chan's feelings through their stunted, awkward bond. Chan's flooded with shame. He can't look away from his alpha's face, but he wants so badly to put the smile back instead of causing that little frown.

it hurts please don't make me I don't want to

"Have I been neglecting you, baby?" Felix says gently, getting down to his own knees much more easily. "Is that why you think I don't care? Should I be pampering you better?"

"No, alpha," Chan mumbles, chastised. "I just wanted to make you feel good."

"It's my job as your alpha to take care of you, Channie. Let me?"

"Okay," Chan says, then squirms a little, flushing deeper. "I can't- can you help me get up?" His knees are throbbing at the angle they're bent, and his core isn't strong enough to get him back to his feet without some struggle. His alpha takes care of him, he reminds himself. It's okay to need his help.

"Oh, Chan." Felix kisses his forehead, then gets his hands under Chan's ass and heaves him up, setting him on the bed so he can slowly unbend his knees and breathe carefully. "Lie back for me?"

Chan complies, curious, but the bed here really is comfortable (and big enough for some experimenting later), the pillows supportive but soft when he scoots back to prop himself up. Felix straddles his lap and kisses him, slow and sweet, and it ignites a flare of heat deep in his belly.

"Making you feel good makes me feel good, baby," Felix murmurs between kisses. "It's not a hardship for me to take care of you first. Do you want me to? Let me do the work and just rest?"

Even while he speaks, Felix's fingers wander. One of his hands is stroking innocently over the top curve of Chan's swollen stomach, but the other dips low, teasing at the inside juncture of hip and thigh. When Chan wriggles into his touch, nodding and mumbling agreement, he laughs against Chan's mouth. "Be patient. You're doing very well, love."

Chan stills as Felix pulls away, fogging pleasantly from the praise, only spreading his legs a little more when Felix taps at his thighs. Felix gets down on his belly, blows Chan a kiss to make him giggle, and starts kissing his way up the inside of Chan's legs, massaging his ankles and then his poor knees when he reaches them, then moving on to nip at the delicate skin up higher at the hem of his shorts. Chan does his best not to move too much, but he can't help jerking and shuddering a little with a particularly hard bite. He likes being bruised up in such intimate places, but he's also impatient. Even heading towards late pregnancy, it's always easy for Felix to get him worked up. He can feel slick sliding between his folds every time he shifts his hips, soaking into his underwear.

Felix doesn't often eat him out, but Chan loves it. His dim memories of having his dick sucked, before, pale in comparison. Maybe it's just Felix. He's just...good at making Chan feel good.

But they do need to find a different position for blowjobs while Chan's so heavily pregnant.

In the now, though, Felix's hot breath is right up against Chan's clothed groin. He subconsciously spreads his legs wider, because Felix looks so good down there, looking up at him through his eyelashes while he presses his thumb unerringly to where Chan's clit hides and drags his tongue up, torturously slow. Chan whimpers, grabbing a handful of Felix's hair with one hand and biting the knuckles of the other to muffle his noises. Felix huffs, making Chan twitch, then reaches up to take Chan's hand from his mouth and pin it to the bed. "I want to hear you, baby. Tell me how good this feels. Be good."

It lights a fire in Chan's chest. Yes, he's going to be good. He throws his head back and groans when Felix grips his pants and underwear and yanks on them, dragging his nails down Chan's legs until they get caught partway down. "Felix, alpha, 's good, please, touch me- oh!"

The oh is because Felix grips his hips firmly, pinning them to the bed, and immediately tongues at Chan's hole, working at it with firm laps to ease it open. It's not exactly hard, his body pliant and easy for his alpha, so soon enough Felix can poke inside with a finger beside his tongue. He teases for a while, dipping just the first knuckle in, alternating with the very tip of his tongue, until he gets seemingly bored of it and starts prodding for the perfect pleasure-spot inside.

When he finds it, Chan moans embarrassingly loudly, because now Felix is just pressing on it, rubbing small circles with the pad of his finger, and at the same time he's licking sloppily at Chan's clit, slowly coaxing it out of the hood to be exposed to cool air and warm tongue. The dual sensation on his most sensitive places at the same time sends a sear of scorching heat right up his spine, whiting out his brain so he can only babble nonsense. His hand in Felix's hair is gripping so tight it has to hurt, but Felix just keeps going, encouraging Chan to ooze more slick, beg more frantically. It's not long until he comes, hard and messy, and all the while Felix keeps torturing him.

Chan's voice breaks on his pleading. He feels like he's on fire, the orgasm cresting and cresting and cresting, but all his frantic squirming can't get him away from that clever tongue. "Felix," he begs, slurring his words, overstimulation edging into pain. Gods, even if Felix doesn't fuck him after this he's not going to be able to walk straight tomorrow with how his hips are straining. "Felix, stop, hurts, Felix, alpha, m'sorry, please-"

The pleasure-pain impossibly peaks again, his cunt gushing fluid even though it's not truly pleasurable. Chan just lets himself go malleable like putty in Felix's hands, eyes rolling back, unable to fight the sensation that makes him shudder and shake, prone for Felix to touch and kiss and bite. "Alpha," he whimpers, unable to think of anything else. His body feels like one huge exposed nerve, sparking any time it's touched. He can smell his own desparation, hidden under the sweetness of desire because he wants to be good even though his clit feels oversensitive and raw. He has to be good. This is supposed to feel good. Doesn't it? Doesn't he feel good? Isn't he lucky, that his alpha cares so much for his pleasure?

get your filthy hands off me I don't want you

Felix keeps slurping at Chan's cunt, keeps the stimulation going. Chan could cry. Felix, though, Felix takes another of his clever fingers and eases it inside his greedy hole, and Chan's voice breaks on a dry sob as he comes for the third time in quick succession. His abdomen is spasming; he can feel the flutter of his pup kicking fitfully inside. He knows no amount of sex will harm them, his cervix will be drawn tight and protective for three months or so yet, but he can't help but massage over the spot on his bump, mumbling incoherent, soothing nonsense.

And then, blessedly, the constant, sweet, tortuous stimulation withdraws. Chan gasps for air, his vision swimming, the mingled scents of sweet fruit and spice filling his nose. His hips are twitching, still pinned down, and he hears Felix grunting, then feels the hot spatter of come across his chest and stomach. He just lets it drip down. He's filthy with his own fluids, anyway. When his ears stop ringing and his legs stop shaking, he's going to want a bath.

"Channie," comes a low murmur beside his ear. "Channie, baby, come back. You did so well, I didn't know if you could take it, but you did, you did perfect. Wasn't that nice? Didn't you like it?"

Chan just grumbles at him. Praise only sends him higher. All his muscles feel floppy, uncontrollable, and in his mind he's far, far away, resting on a bed of clouds above a water-covered moon, a sun bright overhead and the sound of water lapping against a sandbar in his ears. He closes his eyes and basks. The only thing he feels is soft radiating warmth and lightness, and he wants to stay that way for as long as possible.

The voice in his ear laughs, low and amused, and he feels a soft kiss press against his cheek. "Mmmf," he insists, raising one slow hand to slap at the touch. He doesn't want to be touched. Does he?

"Silly omega," Felix breathes. "You love me, don't you? How am I supposed to take care of you if I don't touch you?"

"'lpha," Chan manages. "Don't- don't-" He's tired. He wants to rest. But odd anxiety is creeping in, winding him up, making him struggle towards awareness. He needs to- he needs-

"Don't what, baby?" Felix's hands, strong and sure, cup his face.

Chan can't remember what he needs. He doesn't need anything except Felix. That's right. He just needs his alpha.

He blinks a few times, slowly, Felix coming into focus above him. Felix has a soft, damp cloth, and he's rubbing Chan down with it, from his neck down to his stomach, carefully avoiding the reddened, abused skin between his legs. When he sees Chan's pupils contract and focus, he smiles. "There you are. I thought you'd like that. You can suck me off later if you still want, okay? Just not on your knees."

Chan just nods numbly. His throat is dry. It's a struggle to form thoughts into sentences with how fogged he is from sex and praise and pain.

He closes his eyes again. All his feelings are big and jumbled and he can't make much sense of them. He wants to forget them all, but sex won't do it.

"Alpha," he says, quietly. "Will you- will you hold me?"

Felix kisses his forehead. "Of course, love," he says gently, and when he grips for Chan's neck it's the sweet release none of the orgasms had given him. "Is that good?"

"Yes, alpha," he says, wholly gone on the exhausted submission. "Thank you, alpha."

~

Chan feels much better when he wakes from his daze in the evening. The sun is sinking below the treeline, lighting up the clouds and the planet's rings brilliantly as it slips downwards, and Chan enjoys cupping his hands around a mug of tea and watching on the balcony until the only light is coming through the glass door behind him and from the stars and two moons above. Felix comes out to check on him a couple times, but mostly leaves him to rest in the woven basket chair with pillows to support his back and legs.

When night has fully fallen, Felix comes out one last time to kiss Chan on top of his head and tug him up to his feet. "Come on, baby, time to eat," he says, and when Chan lifts his nose to sniff the air he has no idea how he missed the alluring scent of grilled beef and garlic and vegetables. Real food. He's salivating in seconds.

"Thanks, Felix, smells great."

"Of course." Felix keeps his nose buried in Chan's hair for a moment longer, then smacks his ass lightly. "It'll get cold if we leave it much longer, though."

Chan jumps, but he kisses Felix squarely on the mouth before heading inside. His alpha loves him dearly, dotes on him so well. Chan should be better about reciprocating. Maybe he will give Felix that blowjob after dinner. It's not like it's not pleasurable for him, either, hearing Felix's sex-soaked voice tell him how good he looks with his alpha's cock in his mouth. His orgasms earlier were...good, sure, he doesn't think he has it in him to turn down what his alpha wants to give him, but it feels better when he lets himself get into it more actively.

So it is that he finds himself in much the same position as earlier, sat up against the headboard with a couple of the magnificent pillows supporting his back while Felix is raised up on his knees, straddling his lap. Chan nuzzles at Felix's crotch, smiling up at his alpha while he trails his tongue up the cloth of his boxers. Felix hisses and fits a firm hand into his hair, pressing against his scalp.

"Gods, Channie, you look so good. You want my cock? Want me to fuck your mouth?"

"Yes," Chan says automatically. He likes the warmth of sucking cock, of having his mouth full, likes the way his alpha tastes, musky and warm with the faintest hint of the special yuzu soap he keeps as a luxury, just for occasions like these. He feels safe, afterwards, if Felix asks him to cockwarm, just letting it rest on his tongue and infuse him with his alpha's sense of presence. "Yes, please, let me?"

Felix's eyes soften. "Of course. Anything. Take your time, baby."

Chan does, at that. He licks and teases and uses his own drool to coax Felix's cock into straining against the fabric before he even tastes skin. There's a sizable wet patch developed at the front of Felix's underwear from precome and his own saliva before he finally fumbles for the waistband, making Felix hiss. His cock springs free eagerly, flushed red and proud, the knot half-formed at the base already from teasing. Chan grins sunnily, very aware of how Felix lets out a low moan and tightens his grip in Chan's hair, but he isn't forcibly shoved down or anything. Felix just holds him in a desperate grip, just like always. Like he's never going to let go.

Chan kisses the swollen head hello, first. It makes Felix hiss, but Chan thinks it's cute. Felix's cock is sizeable, of course, just like any alpha's, but Felix manages to be cute anyways. Chan likes that about him, too, how soft his alpha can be.

And how hard. When Chan starts lapping at Felix's cock properly, lavering all over to coat it with spit all the way down to the root, the hands in his hair tighten and drag him downwards a little, towards the balls. Chan huffs with it, but he's happy to kiss them too, feel the close-cropped hair on his tongue as he sucks one into his mouth obediently. Felix's hips jerk, just the tiniest bit, but Chan doesn't pay it any mind. He lets the ball fall from his mouth, dripping with drool, and returns to the real prize now that Felix's hands have gone lax.

There's plenty of precome for him to suck off Felix's tip, to swallow while he licks his lips, teasing with little flashes of his tongue, before he leans forward so he can take the first few inches delicately in his mouth. He doesn't do anything with it, at first, just breathing and feeling the weight, feeling the firm, steadying hand in his hair, settling something deep inside him that needs his alpha close.

Then he starts to suck, gently at first, but soon enough his cheeks are hollowed and he's taking long, loud breaths through his nose while Felix curses quietly. "Baby, so good, you know just what to do for me, don't you? You're so good for me, so good at this."

Chan can't exactly speak right now, but he hums his pleasure around his mouthful while he slides his head forward, little by little, feeling Felix's cock nudge at the back of his throat but pushing on nonetheless. He grips his own thighs, not really intending to touch himself as much as just...touch himself, massaging little soothing circles into his skin while Felix pants and curses and begs- "yes, Channie, that's it"- and inexorably, Chan's lips are wrapped tight and stretched around the base of Felix's cock, his breathing steady if a little raw. He stays there for a few heartbeats, then slowly starts to withdraw, bobbing his head a little. Felix curses again, louder, and tugs at his hair, so Chan obediently stops halfway, flicking his eyes up to Felix's to gauge his mood.

Felix's pupils are blown wide as can be. The tugging is intermittent, as if he's not consciously doing it, so Chan just winces and bears it, tears beading in his eyes, until he can pull back and take a couple gasping breaths before suckling a little more at the head. He can see Felix's knot swelling, and he leans in from the side to give it a little appreciation, too, pressing just the lightest bit at the thin skin with his blunt teeth while he licks at it, until Felix murmurs, "Do you trust me, baby?"

Chan pulls back to look at him again, presses an absent kiss to his shaking thigh as he does. He's curious, but he nods gamely. "Of course, Felix. What do you want?"

"Can I knot your mouth?" Chan's eyes widen. He'd thought Felix would want to paint his face, like usual, but...the heat of a knot always feels searing in such a comforting way in his cunt. Having it in his mouth instead...is a thought.

He's game.

"Yes," he rasps, and swallows Felix down as deeply as he can in one go. Felix squeaks, but he grips Chan's hair again and guides him now, shallow rabbit-quick thrusts while Chan struggles not to drool, swallowing again and again even before the thrusts start getting deeper. Felix is starting to taste heavier- muskier- and he's so hard, so intense, Chan feels everything he wanted, consumed.

Then the knot presses against his lips, and it's so big Chan has brief second thoughts, but determination shoves the fear away. He can do this. Felix won't hurt him, and if he never wants to do it again he doesn't have to.

So he keeps breathing deliberately, stretches his jaw as wide as he can to take the growing knot inside, and is very careful with his teeth. Felix has switched to stroking Chan's hair and face frantically all over while he hurtles towards coming, praising how good his mouth feels, how perfect he looks, how good he is with his lips and tongue, until he shudders to a stop and Chan's mouth fills with come. The sudden surprise of it means he chokes a little before he remembers himself and starts to swallow as quickly as possible. Still, a little spills from the corners of his mouth where the seal isn't perfect, and Felix coos, wiping it away with his thumb and sucking his fingers clean afterwards. Chan has a flash of filthy thought about Felix shoving the wasted come into his cunt, usually so greedy for it, making him squirm and flush, rubbing his thighs together. His clit twinges with raw pain, though, so Chan just huffs with his mouthful and settles in to wait, periodically swallowing the come that's flowing down to a slow trickle. Felix laughs, low and amused, his hands back to calmly petting Chan's hair, and it feels good enough for Chan to just let himself go fuzzy, not thinking of anything but the slowly deflating knot in his mouth.

Felix has him. He doesn't have to worry.

~

The third day of their leave is going to be a Bad Day, Chan can tell as soon as he wakes up. It's unfortunate, after the lovely first and second days, but it happens. Maybe he and Felix have been overdoing it with the sex- sometimes that seems to trigger them, even when it can't be helped, like during one of his heats- or maybe he's just relaxed enough that his problems are rearing their ugly heads with more energy.

Either way, he sighs and tries to push away the paranoia and depression that he knows will be a constant companion today. He wanted to get up early and make breakfast for Felix for once, before they have to head back to the ship for his checkup- his collar's low on injection cartridges, so they should go as early as possible- but now he feels drained of the will necessary to function, detatched from reality.

He makes himself get up and drifts through cooking, naked because he couldn't summon the will to get dressed in the balmy air, spills a little hot oil on his leg and curses the decision. In the end, though, he produces two passable plates of fried sausage, egg, and toast. He sits and eats his portion immediately, ravenous, and is contemplating making more (his appetite these days is disgusting, and good food helps fill the hollow space between his ribs for a time) when Felix emerges from the hallway, half his hair sticking up and rubbing one eye.

"Channie?" He yawns, wide like a cat, and Chan has to smile. Felix is so cute.

He can't keep the lethargy out of his own voice, though. He wants to just go back to bed, not go all the way up to the ship and all the way back. "Made breakfast. Come eat."

"You didn't have to, love, you're so sweet." Ah, there's a little more relief. Chan drops his chin onto his hands, lets his eyes go half-lidded as he watches Felix eat.

don't go don't make me go don't want to see him

Chan groans and rubs at his face, pressing at his browbone in case it'll relieve the headache. It sort of helps. His face feels greasy. He really should have taken a proper bath last night- there's no way he'll have the energy for one today.

"You alright, Chan?" Felix's voice is quiet- he knows what a migraine looks like, and he knows loud noise won't help. Instead, he turns his voice into the low croon Chan likes best, slowly rises and comes around the table to rub his shoulders. "Did you sleep alright?"

"Mm. Yeah. I think so. Just...bad day. I'm sorry. We're on leave, I don't know why I'm like this."

"Don't apologize, baby. It's not your fault. Did you want to talk to the doctor about changing your injection dosage? If it might help?"

no no no more

Chan shakes his head before he knows what he's doing. He can't deny the impulse to avoid staying up there for any longer than necessary, today. Usually he's more polite, but an anxious buzzing at the thought of Park knowing something's wrong just won't go away no matter how much he tries to forget. Instead, he shrugs and looks down at his plate, picking at the scraps of egg left.

"No," he mumbles. "It's just one day. And I'm still managing."

"You're right. I'm proud of you." Chan half-smiles, tipping his head back to look up at Felix, basking in the gentleness and easy praise lavished on him, and Felix smiles back indulgently. "Do you want the rest of mine? I can't finish it all, and I'll go start the hot water if you want a shower before we go."

"Please? If you help me?" Chan widens his eyes, bats his eyelashes, and Felix laughs but kisses his forehead.

"Of course. You're not too sore, right? Do you want me to get your braces?"

"Mmm." Chan squints at him. "...I guess." The joint support braces- knees, ankles, wrists sometimes- do help, but privately Chan thinks they're more than a little ugly. Not that he's at his most handsome right now, but it's the principle of the thing. He's on shore leave, but he doesn't have to look like a slob.

His hips do ache punishingly from the last couple days, though. That's what he gets for having an alpha who treats him so nicely.

Felix smiles at him indulgently when he reaches across the table, brushes his hand over Chan's scent gland, and smacks a kiss on top of his head at his squeak before trotting out. "Love you!" he calls, and Chan grins at his back despite himself.

"Love you too, Felix."

~

Chan's faint good mood, bolstered by the food and Felix's gentle ministrations in the shower, fizzles away the moment they're on the ship. Chan, not thinking, had dressed in casualwear, so he shivers without the sleeves and padding of the breeder uniform. His headache comes pulsing back, and the braces itch against his sensitive skin. At least everyone else is also on leave, so there's only the barest skeleton crew even on the ship- a transporter tech, a couple cooks, and a few maintainence techs down in the lower decks- and there's no one around to stare at the pregnant, hormonal omega and his long-suffering alpha. Overall, still, Chan's already done for the day before he even sits down in the chair in Doctor Park's office in medbay.

But he needs to be here, so he doesn't complain, just snuggles into Felix's side while they wait for the doctor himself to arrive. It's not long, thankfully, but Chan does have to detach himself from Felix to lie on the exam bed when he does.

"You aren't getting too much sun, are you?" is the first thing the doctor says as he prods at Chan's stomach, pressing a palm to it when the pup kicks a little. Chan does his best not to move, let Park's little disapproving remarks slide off his back, but his mood gets blacker and blacker as the quiet minutes tick by.

"Have you been eating well? Do I need to give you a different vitamin? You can't just eat carbs and protein and fat, you should be taking advantage of the fresh produce."

"You've been using the moisturizer I gave you every day, haven't you? I'd have thought your chest and belly would be bigger by now, with less of these stretch marks."

"Do you need all those braces today? You haven't been straining yourself, have you? Or are you just so insatiable your alpha can't keep his hands off of you?"

Chan flinches at that last one. Park had been the one who insisted he and Felix have more sex, but shame guts him anyway. The reaction is stronger than he expects, and he has to shut his eyes to ride it out, a stupid, hormonal tear of frustration leaving his eye. Gods, he's being stupid. His doctor just wants what's best for him.

"Doctor-" Felix's voice is dark, like he means to start something, but Park cuts him off smoothly.

"Go get your breeder some water, would you, Lee? It seems it may need a break."

"...Fine." Felix glares mutinously, but he still drops a kiss on Chan's hand before he leaves. Chan, for his part, tries to get a handle on his wildly fluctuating emotions. Some water does sound good. His throat hurts a little, too, in addition to the headache- maybe some water will soothe it.

When Felix is out the door, Park sighs and turns away. Chan feels another pang, mixed foreboding and relief, and lets himself relax on the bed. Park likes to talk to himself, so Chan tries to tune it out and daydream instead.

Right up until his ears catch on something that makes his blood freeze.

"Well, if it's going to struggle with such basic things anyways, maybe I should just abort this last one too..." the doctor muses as he flips through readings on his terminal. "One child is far below average, perhaps restarting its breeding cycle will be more beneficial... it's strong enough for an induced heat, yes, that might work."

Chan blinks. His head pulses with pain. Where is Felix? What's taking him so long?

monster demon don't you DARE take them from me

"Doctor?" Chan says. "What- what?" He shakes his head, but the darkness he's been fighting off for so long is creeping in, muddling his thoughts. He finds himself sitting up on the table jerkily, like he's being puppeted by something unseen.

"Hmm?" Park half-turns, runs a disinterested eye over him. "You don't need to worry about anything, omega. I'll know what's best. I had my doubts about your ability after your little tantrum, but you're a good little breeder now, aren't you?" He closes the distance, smirks when Chan's eyes go a little hazy from the hit. "You've done so well with the pup I left you. Aren't you happy I'll let you have more again?"

YOU WON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN I WON'T LET YOU

Chan feels like he's watching from outside of himself as detatched white-hot rage floods him right alongside the endorphins, beating back the sedating effect. His claws dig into his own thighs. His sharpened teeth draw blood from his lip.

"Good bitch." The doctor makes to turn back to the terminal. Something in him snaps. Chan's arm swings out and his claws dig long red furrows down Park's face.

Chan blinks. Park shouts. He's reeling backwards, but foreign hard determination drives Chan forward to chase him, snarling. "Omega, stop this-" he starts raising his hand as if for a slap, but Chan couldn't stop now if he wanted to. He sees red, red, red, stumbling forward off-balance with his belly and sinking his claws into Park's chest for leverage and to cause more pain.

The doctor screams. The sound is awful, and some part of him knows to avoid attracting attention. Chan shoves hard enough to send then both tumbling to the ground and sinks his fangs into Park's throat without a second thought, choking off the noise into one last thin whimper. Blood floods into his mouth, hot and thick and disgusting but utterly satisfying.

you'll never hurt me again

The dark thoughts recede, leaving behind dark, sick satisfaction, and Chan's rational mind surfaces back into his own body. The brief dissociation means that as control floods back he feels everything much more sharply. He gags on blood, tears himself away from Park's limp body, but stringy strips of flesh rip away in his teeth and hang until he spits them out with his mouthful of red. He doesn't have the strength to get up, he's shaking so hard, so he just stays there on all fours, curled around his belly protectively, staring at the doctor's corpse as he bleeds out. Chan did that. His hands, his teeth.

The door swishes open. Chan jumps, almost falls over, but thank the gods, it's just Felix. Felix will know what to do. His alpha promised he'd protect him, and he wasn't there, but now he's here and he'll make it okay again.

Felix drops the cup of water he's holding. He stares, wide-eyed, at the mess of red, all over Park, the floor, all over Chan's face and hands. "Channie," he says slowly. "Channie, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"Alpha," he whimpers. He feels terrible, cold, crashing from the adrenaline rush. (He doesn't acknowledge the pleasure that seeing Park die in fear and agony brought. He doesn't know what to do with that.) He needs- he needs comfort. His alpha is so good at that, but his alpha is staring at him like he's a stranger. His head hurts. "Help, please-"

"Okay. Okay. Fuck." Felix kneels to wrap his arms around Chan, heaving him up bodily until he scrambles to get his feet under him, grunting with effort. "You're covered in blood, baby, let's get you cleaned up, okay? I'm here, I'm with you, just- come on-"

Chan leans heavily on Felix, but they manage to get over to the staff showers, where Felix turns the water on hot as it'll go and scrubs viciously at the red staining his skin. It hurts, the heat and the intensity, but Chan doesn't complain. He feels a little sick with confusion and fear and he can tell it hasn't sunk in yet, what he's done, but sooner or later it will.

Felix seems to be feeling all of it for him, because when he dunks Chan's head under the water- was there blood in his hair? How did it get there?- his grip is too rough and it takes Chan spluttering to clear his airways for him to let go as if he's been burned.

"Sorry, baby, sorry, just please, be quick, okay? You need to get clean and we need to get back to the planet now."

The shock of the water on his face roused him from his shaking helplessness, so he jolts into motion to comply. The water burns, but Chan runs his fingers through his hair, parts his lips and gargles until he can't taste iron anymore and the water runs clear. His skin is flushed, and he has to leave his hair soaked and slicked back, but he's clean when Felix pulls him out of the shower room and back into his clothes.

Neither of them look back, as they go. No one is there to stop them leaving the medbay, anyway. No one stops them in the halls.

The first person to even see them is the teleporter tech on duty. She glances at them, disinterested, then does a double take at Chan, who just stares at her, wide-eyed, then looks to Felix and pastes a smile on his face. Felix pulls him close into his side possessively, meaning he has to stumble or lose his balance, landing a little bowlegged.

"You breeders are fuckin' insatiable freaks, I swear..." the tech mutters, while Chan keeps looking at Felix with as much adoration as he can muster. Chan flushes harder, but the assumption is better than suspecting the reality.

Just when he thinks he'll collapse and give the game away, the odd sensation of dissolving that accompanies transportation hits, and in the next second they're back down on-planet. Chan immediately lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and scrambles off the landing platform, dragging Felix behind him. There's no one around to see, so once they're safely on the trail, under cover of trees, he lets himself sink to his knees and have the full-blown panic attack he's been suppressing. His head hurts so badly. His inability to breathe can't be good for the pup, but he can't stop hyperventilating, with oh gods what have I done? on loop in his mind. He can't get the smell of blood out of his nose. His collar is pulsing with heat, no doubt lit up with warnings both as it detects Chan's distress and that it hadn't been reloaded with the synthetic hormones he needs before- before-

When he starts madly scrubbing his hands against the ground, trying to get the red still crusted under his nails off, Felix grabs his wrists. "Baby, no, you'll hurt yourself. Just breathe, okay?" He holds Chan's hands to his chest, taking an exaggerated breath. "Feel that? Can you copy me?"

Chan nods jerkily and tries. His hands and his face are a little numb. His breath stutters and his chest hurts every time he breathes in deeply at all, but he tries.

When he comes down, he's exhausted, head fuzzy with distress, but he knows to his bones that staying here won't be safe for long. Terror doesn't quite have him by the throat anymore, with Felix focused on keeping him calm, but Chan's still afraid. He thinks he's been afraid for a long, long time, but he's only letting it out now, so it's been bottled up and it's exploding messily. It drove him to kill Doctor Park, who- who-

"He wanted-" Chan starts, before his voice breaks. "He wanted to kill the pup. In me. He said- he said he killed the others, and he wanted to kill my pup and have me bred again, please believe me, alpha-"

Felix's face immediately darkens, and Chan remembers being afraid of him, of this stormy expression, but he can't comprehend it now. Felix smells strongly enough of dragonsblood to make him sneeze, but it's protective rage, not anger at his omega.

"Chan," Felix growls. "He wanted to do what?"

Chan bares his neck on instinct, hoping to be bitten or scruffed so the pain of it goes away but he knows they have to go, there's no time to indulge, so he forces the words out. "He- he said just one wasn't enough. That he'd force me into heat and give me more instead. I don't- I want my pup. I want them. And I didn't want him to touch me and I don't know why." His voice raises to a wail, and he buries his nose in Felix's neck, taking long pulls of his scent in an attempt to self-soothe. Felix just reaches out and clutches Chan close, still growling low in his chest so it vibrates through them both.

"Shh, baby, you're okay, you're safe, I've got you. You're mine. If you want your pup, you'll have them, I don't care. I said I was going to protect you and I will."

Chan shudders against him, but they can't stay here. One clear memory drives him to pull away before he's really ready, get up on shaky legs and keep holding Felix's hand while he stumbles towards their cabin. Doctor Park, underlining a line on his official contract in red, tone bored as he read it out: damaged assets will be disposed of.

Chan knows he's damaged. He was broken before, but Park fixed him, and now that he's broken again and killed the man there will be no more mercy. He doesn't want to die.

Once they're in the cabin, Chan freezes again, though, staring around, because he doesn't know where they'll go and he doesn't know what to grab. Every moment they delay is another moment closer to being discovered, and he can't think.

A different memory swims across his mind- if you need anything, you only have to ask- and he turns abruptly for the comm unit on the wall. If they stay here, they'll be found. If they're anywhere on the planet, the Corps will keep searching until they find them. They have to leave, and they need help. It might not be entirely rational, but he remembers a gentle kindness and they can't do this themselves.

Chan tries very hard to make sure his voice doesn't shake when he says through the comm, "Rhyll, could you come see us? There's been- an accident and we could use some help."

~

Rhyll's tail is flicking as they approach the house, while Felix watches from a window and Chan fidgets beside the bag he'd thrown together somehow- his meds and vitamins, clothes for both of them, some of the non-perishables from the kitchen. They have a brief whispered argument that Felix wins when Rhyll knocks politely, leaving Chan to sulk and lean against the wall around the corner, hidden from sight for now while Felix smoothly invites them in. Chan can hear them, the polite curiosity in their odd voice, and he holds hope like a bird in his chest, restrained for now but striving to burst from its cage.

"Your omega said there was an accident? Are you both alright?"

"We will be," Felix says. "We need a favor from you, though, a rather large one."

"...We will of course do our best to accommodate. What do you need?"

Felix pauses, then takes a deep breath. "A way off-planet, away from the Corps." Rhyll gasps. Felix keeps going. "At the least, we just want transport to the closest public port so we can charter our own way, but if there's anything else you can offer us we'd appreciate it. We don't know the geography here and Chan has the pup, we can't get away from here- from them- on our own."

There's a long pause. Chan strains to hear any indication of what Rhyll might be thinking.

And then they say: "Certainly," and Chan lets the bird burst free, gasps as it feels like he can finally breathe, lightness filling his chest and buoying him up like he could float away over the trees.

"Thank you," Felix says, all in a rush. "Gods, thank you, thank you so much. I- they'll kill him if they catch us, you don't know how much this means to us."

Rhyll's voice gains an edge of what Chan thinks is determination, flatter in tone, though they're still gentle as ever. "I see. I'll make arrangements right away. There will be a waiting period before we can arrange for your transport to a free planet in Sector Eight, but in the meantime we can provide you housing in a facility shielded from surface scanning from orbit. I apologize that it will not be up to the standards of the home you rented, but we will refund you the amount you paid for the rest of your stay, and the Ba'ku Natural Retreat will be open to you at no cost if you ever decide to return. We pride ourselves on our customer service, and we apologize for any suboptimal care we may by necessity provide while you are with us."

Chan can't help it. He whirls around the corner, drops into a deep bow towards Rhyll, who jumps, their tail going stiff. "Thank you, Rhyll, I- my pup and I are in your debt, we can't express enough gratitude."

Rhyll flushes deep blue, a pleased little smile on their face, though they stay brisk and professional. "Oh, please- I'm only doing my job, we offer this service as a courtesy, really, please, your knees, don't hurt yourself."

Fuck his knees. They'll be bruised later, but it's vastly preferable to the Corps putting him down like a mad dog. (Whether he is a mad dog or not is neither here nor there.)

They manage to get Chan up again, though Felix has to help, and soon enough they're combing through the house, turning off lights and activating a cleaning bot, erasing all traces of Chan and Felix's occupation. They tsk over his hastily packed bag. "Bring this if you like, but we of course will provide all meals and some extra human-formed clothing if you need it. The only thing we lack if it is necessary is a human-specialized medical professional on call, but if you provide your prescriptions we can formulate those for you."

Chan can do that. He likes to be responsible; he knows each pill he takes, morning and evening and vitamins with lunch. And Felix will take care of anything he forgets, besides.

Together, they'll be okay.

Once they're done and the cabin is locked up, Rhyll leads them briskly down a nearly-invisible trail in the woods, taking occasional breaks so Chan can catch his breath, until they reach a nondescript clearing, leaf litter covering the ground under open sky. Chan is baffled for a moment, even if he's grateful for the break, until Rhyll takes two precise steps forward and lets out a high, clicking call, and a dark thermal concrete building flickers into being right in front of them. Rhyll chitters at Felix's jump and Chan's quiet curse, but they quickly beckon and lead the way inside, pushing open a whisper-quiet door to a dim interior.

There's just one big room, inside the building, but there's a trapdoor in the floor that leads to a downwards ramp into more dim space. Chan goes slow, careful not to overbalance and fall, but as they get deeper and the area opens up Rhyll perks up more until they're beaming proudly with all their needle teeth as they move into a hall lined with doors. "This bunker is entirely undetectable by any planet-wide scans, as promised. I will take you to a free set of partner quarters- please make yourselves comfortable there. There will be a map on the wall as well as a brochure explaining the amenities; I will go explain the situation to the director and arrange for transport. As usual, you may always call me if you need assistance."

Chan just nods along. A set of quarters for them to rest in sounds perfect to him.

Rhyll leaves them with another cheery wave at a nondescript door in another hallway of nondescript doors, but Chan doesn't care. He leans against Felix as they shuffle in, making a beeline for the little bedroom. Before he knows it, he's curled up on his side, Felix spooned up behind him, his warm, safe arms wrapped around Chan's stomach, and it's so nice his exhausted brain drops him off straight to sleep.

~

Chan spends the week they need to wait, though, spiraling in an ever-worsening series of Bad Days. Rhyll worries, as do the other Ba'ku people watching over them, but Felix keeps them at bay. He knows Chan best, knows how to coax food into him and how to soothe him to sleep when the paranoia aggravates his insomnia. Felix worries, of course- he's never had so many Bad Days in a row before- but as the collar runs out of charges to keep Chan stable and the pressure of staying hidden underground in this deep, dark bunker increases, Felix isn't exactly the sanest he's ever been either. He paces the halls like a caged tiger, tension written all through his body until Chan can't take it anymore and drags himself out of his depression to ride him one night until they're both crying, holding one another tight.

That night, Felix groans as he comes, his knot locked tight inside Chan's soft cunt, and Chan caresses his face, kisses his tears away. "I love you," he murmurs. "Don't doubt, please, I love you, we can do this. I'm- I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, love," Felix says, the tiredness behind his eyes not abated but...restrained. Chan hates it all the same. "None of this is your fault. I chose you, and I'll keep choosing you, you understand? They gave you to me and the moment I saw you I was gone. Their mistake was thinking I could care about anything else, now."

"Felix," Chan breathes, eyes welling up again, breath catching. He knew his alpha loves him, but the confession breaks his heart and makes him feel alive at the same time. "I-"

"Channie." Felix hums, but his scent doesn't ease. Grows a little stronger, even. "It's okay. I just...did I ever tell you? Why they gave you to me?"

"No?" Chan tilts his head, nonplussed at the subject change but willing to play along. "Why, alpha?"

"Because my mother and her alpha were one of the best breeding pairs the Corps ever had, baby, and they thought I'd be able to do it again with you. They told me, growing up- they knew I'd present alpha, and they were looking for the perfect mate for me. I was so happy, when they told me they'd found you."

Chan is struck dumb. "...What?" he breathes. Felix's cock is still a hot, hard brand inside him, but he feels like the world's tilted on its axis. He's not even sure why.

"I just wanted you to know," Felix says, "you don't have to say anything. I want, more than anything, for you to be happy, because I- I was made for you. Okay?"

"Okay. I- I love you." Chan nods. He thinks he should say something, but he's so tired, both from the sex and the foreboding that's been dragging at him all week, and he just lets himself sit there and drift until Felix's knot goes down and they can hold each other through the hours until morning.

~

On the last day, the day they're finally going to be able to leave, Chan wakes first with a sense of anticipation- they're finally going to be free- and then he feels the sticky slide of his thighs and his abdomen cramps.

No.

He scrambles out of bed, heedless of the pain of the cramping- the contractions- and turns on the light. Felix groans behind him, rolling away from the sudden brightness, but Chan can't stop staring between his own legs. Clear fluid mixed with blood is smeared all down his thighs and is trickling down his calves now, until another contraction hits and the pain is so excruciating it drives him to drop into a squat with a deep grunt, pushing before he even knows what he's doing.

"Felix," he says over the rushing in his ears, then louder, when he can't hear a response. "Felix!"

Another contraction hits with the force of a bullet train. How close together are they? How did he sleep so long? His vision tunnels, going dark at the edges as he tries not to scream, but it hurts and it's too soon. Birth is supposed to be easy for Corps omegas, but this is no normal birth. This is bad, this is very bad.

Felix is suddenly in front of him, holding Chan's face with one hand and steadying his trembling left leg with the other. His eyes are wide, clearly full of the same fears swirling in Chan's brain, but he kisses him on the forehead tenderly and says, "You're okay, baby, everything's going to be okay, alright? Can you stand?"

Chan tries. He really does. He gets halfway there, but his shaky, inflamed left knee buckles under his weight and the breathtaking pain. He shakes his head, gasping, staring at the floor and begging the gods to release him from the agony. He's never been particularly pious before, but if there's any time to start praying, he supposes it's now.

"Okay. Okay, Channie, I'm going to pick you up, okay? We need to get you help, you shouldn't do this alone."

Chan nods jerkily. The thought of a doctor makes something deep in him flinch, but he needs help. He can see that clearly. He's mad with pain and something must be terribly wrong for his pup to be coming so soon. He can't deal with it alone.

In half a second Felix has swept him up into a bridal carry and bulled out into the hall. It's early yet, but there's one startled Ba'ku standing a few doors down who drops a tablet they're holding, staring at the two of them, human and half-naked with blood slowly soaking Felix's shirt. Chan can feel Felix repressing a snarl.

"My mate needs help," he grits out. "Is there a doctor here?"

"Y-yes," they squeak, eyes still wide as saucers. "I, um- you know where the kitchens are, we have an infirmary on the left three doors down- what's happening to him? Will- will he be alright?"

"Yes," Felix snaps, and takes off at a run. Chan's brain is still ringing with my mate, but the jolting on top of the ever-closer contractions quickly overwhelms rational thought with pain again, Felix patting his face haphazardly to soothe his low moan. "I'm sorry, I know it hurts, I'm sorry, just hold on, okay?"

Chan holds on. He holds on tight to Felix, refusing to be separated even when they burst into the little infirmary, scaring the Ba'ku sitting there in a white coat half to death. He clings to Felix's shirt while he's set down on the metal table, squeezing his eyes shut, because for some reason now his vision is doubling and the scent of antiseptic is in his nose, and he hears Doctor Park's smooth voice whispering in his ear.

He doesn't have the strength to fight when he opens his eyes again and sees the Ba'ku leaning over him in that coat with that tricorder that flashes him back to being pinned in place by sedation and restraints, struggling weakly but unable to move while something clamps onto his throat, he doesn't want it, he's so scared-

Felix's voice cuts through the memory. "Chan! Channie, baby, you're okay, you're not there anymore, remember? We- we're leaving today. We're going to be free, you just have to get through this, okay? You're going to be okay."

Chan's vision is blurry with tears. He swipes them away, reaches out for Felix's hand. "Just- keep talking to me," he says, wincing at how ragged his voice is. "Don't let me go."

"Never." Felix kisses his knuckles and grips Chan's fingers tight.

"Ah, sirs?" the Ba'ku trills nervously. "I'm not an expert on human anatomy, much less the process of your births, but I will do my best. From what information I've been able to gather, Chan, you are bleeding slowly, deep inside your womb, and I will not be able to heal the wound until your...pup? is out. Luckily, your birth canal is almost wide enough now for them to emerge, and they are in the correct position. You will just need to push along with your contractions, though if I determine the bleeding is worsening, Felix or I will have to assist. And. Hm. Well. Well, we will see. You just need to push, for now."

"Okay," Chan spits between his teeth, then throws his head back and pushes as hard as he can along with his stomach's next contraction. It tears through him, and now he does scream, because he can't help it, but he feels the pup shift lower. It makes his breath stop, the stretch, pressing against his walls-

It presses against that pleasure-place inside. It feels like- like being fisted full, deeper than Felix has ever dared and much bigger than his lean fingers tucked together, but now that the pup is emerging it's absurdly similar. It doesn't feel good at all- it's too big- but it's an echo of familiarity.

He nearly forgets to push, he's so off-balance from it. He moans again with the feeling, the way he feels Felix at his back as he slides off the table and squats again, how he can almost pretend it is Felix inside him. He knew birth wasn't supposed to be all bad, he knew that his alterations should have made it quick and easy, but he hadn't thought it would feel like this. When he remembers himself and pushes again, he lets out a strangled yowl, because now his hole is starting to stretch open around the pup's crown, and that hurts most of all, burning with how big it is.

Felix has been talking this whole time, Chan realizes through his ringing ears, because now his monologue is cut off by a gasp that's sharply in focus. "Chan," he says, like a prayer. "You're almost there, I can see them- just a little more, baby, you can do this."

He's right. Chan still feels the pain, he knows he's still bleeding freely, but the next push, made with all the strength he can summon, neatly pops the head out. Chan can't see it, but he can feel it, the devastating slide and brief relief before it mounts again as the shoulders start to breach him next, and Chan sobs. It hurts. But he can do this, Felix believes in him, so he pushes again, and again, and again, for what feels like hours, until the very last of his pup's toes leave his cunt, and then he collapses back onto his ass. He's shaking so hard with relief and the natural endorphin rush he can't hold himself up, but of course Felix catches him. He holds Chan tight against his chest, strokes his sweaty hair, kisses his closed eyelids.

"That's right, love, you did so well. I've got you, just rest for a moment."

Felix's warm scent is tinged with something odd, something off, but Chan is so tired that he turns around in his alpha's arms, just to cling to him like a child, searching Felix's face for reassurance.

His alpha looks at him with tears brimming in his eyes, but he smiles anyway. "That's right, you did so well. Just a little more, okay? You have to pass the afterbirth and then we can fix you up, and then we can leave. You're going to be okay."

Chan nods, lets himself sink forwards, feeling odd with the firmness of his belly gone- it's still big, it just feels oddly empty, especially as his body slowly starts to contract again. It's much milder than before, but it still causes little jolts of pain. He whimpers, burying his face into Felix's shoulder, but before too many long minutes pass, the mass of bloody flesh, too, breaches and slides out of him. The Ba'ku behind him makes an odd humming noise, and he makes to turn and look, but Felix hurriedly grabs him and holds him still.

"Don't look, baby, there's- there's a mess," Felix says, evenly, though tears are starting to streak down his face. "I- Doctor, would you just take it out-"

Chan stares up at Felix, uncomprehending for a moment, before his blood freezes in his veins. He struggles in his alpha's arms, but he's too weak and light-headed to move. He knows he's still bleeding, he knows he needs rest, but he needs his pup.

"Felix, let me go, let me- my pup, please, I need- I need to feed my pup, they need me, please, my baby-"

"I'm sorry, Channie." Felix keeps him held in that iron grip while the Ba'ku shuffles behind them, opening the door and shutting it quietly again behind them, his voice low and pained. "I'm sorry, I know you wanted them, but I think- I think they were gone before they came. You didn't do anything wrong, it was just...bad timing. Bad luck."

"No, no, no..." Chan scrabbles at Felix's chest for grip, a low keen building in his throat. His pup is dead. Was dead, before he even brought them into the world, far too early. He wonders, if he'd taken better care of himself, would this have happened? If he'd just stayed on the ship, if he'd never murdered Doctor Park, would they have caught the early labor and been able to stop it?

He doesn't know. He can't know. He can't turn back time, can't save the child that was first his duty and then was just his.

(He ignores the fact that, had he been obedient and meek and quiet for the rest of a healthy pregnancy, his pup would have been taken from him anyways. In his grief, he just knows that he never even got to see his pup's face, feel their skin on his, kiss their tiny head and whisper their name in their little ear.)

Eventually the energy he has to devote to grief peters out, and he can only rest, exhausted, against his alpha. His mind is empty. Everywhere Chan's touched is a mess, smeared blood and tears and birthing fluids he couldn't even think of trying to contain while he was pushing. There's still blood trickling from between his legs, too, a slow and steady drip.

Oh. Right. There's still something wrong with him.

Maybe, he thinks traitorously, it'll kill him, and he'll be able to see his pup on the other side.

~

Everything after the Ba'ku comes back inside with clean hands is a blur. Someone prods a thin metal device into him, someone else pets his head when he whines at how cold it is and how uncomfortable it feels pushing past his cervix. Then there's an odd pulsing heat and vibration deep inside that makes him twitch and whine, and what could have been after what could have been minutes or days the thing withdraws, flaky dry blood coating the tip and first few inches. Chan just watches, detatched. Felix is holding him, he thinks, but Chan feels cold and drained despite the comfort.

He's losing time, but he doesn't care. Can't bring himself to care, while an IV needle enters his arm with a drip of bright red transfusion blood, while the feeling of it triggers another flashback to Doctor Park feeding him morphine until he's drooling, flying so high he doesn't care when the doctor slides a speculum into his new cunt and ratchets it open wide, wider, until he almost tears-

He blinks. Felix is still holding him, has cleaned him up and dressed him somehow, all in his softest paternity things with a facemask and a hoodie with one arm rolled up so the IV won't get jostled. He's saying something, but Chan just stares at him, dead-eyed, uncomprehending. Felix's expression crumbles. He lifts Chan's limp form and sets him down in a wheelchair, kissing his forehead before starting to push him and the tall IV pole down the gray halls of the bunker towards the teleporter pad on the surface.

Chan blinks. Felix waits on the sheltered ramp until someone gives the signal, then dashes out, still pushing him, right to the center of the pad, and in half a second they're being beamed up.

The tech at the console grins at them, cheerful, as they arrive, but his smile falters once he actually sees them. Chan summons the effort to lift his head and meet the tech's eyes when Felix nudges him- it's only polite- but once he does he can't stop looking.

"Jisung?" Chan rasps through his sore throat. "Sung-ah? Is that you? Is this- is this the Endeavor?" He glances around, and some things are moved around, the network patch on the wall is dingier than he ever let it get- but, yes, it's all so familiar. And sweet, faithful Jisung still sits where he used to.

"I should be asking you that, Chan, oh gods, what happened to you?" Jisung hurries around the console towards the pad, heedless of Felix's warning growl when he gets in close.

Chan shakes his head. He knows he looks a sight, his eyes red and puffy from sobbing, pale and washed out from blood loss and dehydration, a bitching scar and regulation collar on his neck, too weak to stand. He's glad for the fact that the loose fabric of the hoodie hides his odd, distended stomach and the swells where his omega breasts were starting to grow.

"I don't- I don't want to talk about it," he mumbles, looking down at his hands and picking at his cuticles. Felix automatically reaches down to tug his hands apart to keep him from hurting himself, and Chan lets him, running his fingers mindlessly over his alpha's calloused palms instead.

"Chan," Jisung breathes. When Chan looks up at him, there's pity and horror written all over his face. He quickly looks down again. No doubt his bright once-protégé thinks he's a broken failure. Chan couldn't deny it if he tried. He's fucked up the most basic thing his biology can do, and he doesn't know how he'll recover. If he'll recover.

"Oh, Chan, I missed you so much."

What?

"I thought- I thought you didn't care about me, when you stopped replying to my messages, I thought I'd never see you again. But- did the Corps do this to you? I swear, I'd never have let them take you if I'd known, I'm sorry-"

"Stop," Felix growls. Chan's breath is picking up. He doesn't feel like he's panicking, but paranoia and craving for closeness are both rearing their ugly heads. Felix puts a protective hand on his shoulder, firm enough to settle him, tight enough to make Jisung eye it with distrust. "You're upsetting him. Leave him alone."

"I'm sorry," Jisung grits out. "I was under the impression that that I was speaking to Chan, who's been my mentor and friend since I was a teenager. Who are you, again?"

Felix bares his teeth. "I'm Chan's alpha and caretaker, and he's my omega. He's had a very bad day, and he needs rest, not reminders of the dead past. Where's the captain of this ship? I was informed we'd be dealing with him on our passage to Federation space."

Jisung sputters. "I- what? Chan's not an omega. I mean, I can see he's had a bad day, but his past isn't dead, thanks very much, and he can speak for his damn self. The captain's on his way, but he's not going to tell you any different- he's gonna be so happy to see you, Chan, they didn't tell us anything except they needed an inconspicuous transit for two human refugees, but it's you- man, everyone's gonna be so happy you're here."

Chan hates himself for it. Fiercely. But he is getting overwhelmed, frightened by the heat of Felix's jealous anger and Jisung's disbelieving spite. He curls in on himself, pulling his knees to his chest and half-hiding his face behind them. "I- stop," he says quietly. "Please don't fight. Jisungie, I- I'll tell you about it another time, but Felix is right, it's been a really bad day. Alpha, you don't have to be mean, I'm yours, okay?" He half-turns to look up at Felix, pleading with his eyes.

"Hmph." Both Felix and Jisung snort at the same time, then glare at each other, and Chan can't stand it. He starts laughing at how ridiculous it is, louder than he has in this hellish past week, a little hysterical. He unfolds himself just as the door swishes open and reveals Changbin, who freezes right where he is, just staring.

Chan is still laughing. He can't stop. If he stops, he's afraid he'll have another panic attack, because Changbin lifts his nose to scent the air before approaching, sniffing out the newcomers.

Chan's beta-scent was mild, like earth warmed by sunshine, never much moved by emotion unless it was very strong. His omega-scent is sweet, and right now, layered over heavily with blood and pain.

Changbin's face darkens and he strides right up to where Chan is giggling in his chair, drunk on fear and exhaustion and exhilaration.

"Who are you?" Changbin snarls in his face. Jisung turns to him, blinking, but Felix snarls right back.

"I'm Lee Felix, and this is my very sick and incredibly exhausted omega, Bang Chan, who needs to rest, not be interrogated. If you could show us to your infirmary, I can put him down for a nap and we can talk options, but until then neither of us are prepared to negotiate with any of you."

"That's not Chan," Changbin says, bristling. "Chan's a beta doing his Corps draft, he's probably off doing IT on some backwater base in Sector Five. Why the hell would he be here, smelling like- like that, did you do this shit to him?"

Chan's still hiccuping little broken giggles, because he can't let the words get to him, he can't or he'll break.

"'S me, Bin," he says, light and airy, tugging down his facemask. "Do you want me to tell Sung and Lix the labradorite story? Because I can do that."

"Fuck you, we said we were never going to mention that again," Changbin says automatically, and then his eyes widen. "Chan?"

"Hi, Binnie," Chan says, smiling a little. He is  really, tired, though, Felix is right. "Is Seungminnie still in charge of Medical? Felix is right, all I want right now is sleep. Drugs optional."

"O-okay," Changbin says, deflated from his anger like a popped balloon, eyes flicking between Chan and Felix. "Sure. Let's get you some rest and then we can talk."

Chan nods and lets himself rest back in his chair while Jisung leads them up. He knew these halls like the back of his hand, once, could trace a packet's journey from one side of the ship to the other even without a multimeter. Now, the familiarity lets him sink into a daze again, just listening to the stilted conversation and the quiet squeak of the IV pole's wheels. Once in a while, someone tries to engage him, but it's scraping the bottom of the barrel to answer and soon enough they learn to leave him alone.

When they reach the ship's infirmary, Felix lifts him tenderly and lays him on the bed in the back while they wait for Seungmin, locking the IV pole's wheels close beside it. Chan rolls onto his side automatically before remembering he doesn't have to avoid sleeping on his back anymore. The thought leaves him cold, and he curls in on himself, deliberately closing his eyes and evening out his breath. The sooner he falls asleep, the sooner he doesn't have to live in his stupid, broken mind for a while.

Unfortunately, sleep is still evading him when the door swishes open and Seungmin's light, sure steps approach, then stop abruptly.

"What?" he breathes. Chan could cry. He doesn't want to do this again. He keeps his eyes closed, more hoping than expecting sleep for now, because the gods seem determined to tease him cruelly.

Thankfully, Felix speaks up, very evenly, before anyone else can. "My omega gave birth to a stillborn pup very early this morning, and while we dealt with the internal damage and got him a blood transfusion on-planet so he's not in immediate danger, he needs fluids, pain relief, and rest. I'd appreciate if you could set aside your preconceptions and provide for us as you agreed to when you thought we were strangers."

There's a moment of horrified silence. Chan can smell the disbelief swirling in the air, making his nose twitch with its intensity. Felix, though, attuned to his moods and especially his distress, just turns towards him and kisses his temple, thumbs at his collar while he murmurs sweet nothings.

"Shh, darling, you're okay, my love, just sleep, okay? Alpha's here, Alpha's got you."

Chan sighs, doesn't open his eyes, but curls further into the blankets and deliberately exposes his throat. He wants to be covered in his alpha's scent, wants to drown in it rather than the confused, sharp scents that are familiar and not at the same time- much stronger, now, too, with an omega's nose. Not bad scents, but it's just one more thing that batters at his fragile sanity.

Thankfully, Felix indulges him, presses kisses all the way from his jawline to his bitching scar, shifting the collar to be able to properly reach his scent gland. Chan sighs again, satisfied, and lets possessive spice lull him into a doze. It's better than nothing, and much better than the terrible bloody snapshots of memory that won't leave him be.

~

Chan keeps drifting, for the first few terrible days after he loses his pup. He has nightmares- he has his teeth in Park's throat again, only it's not Park, it's Jisung, and his little brother looks up at him with wide, scared eyes as he dies, as Chan kills him in cold blood, and whispers "omega whore".

There are good dreams, too. Fantasizing about his pup, alive and healthy in his arms, Felix behind him to kiss and to hold while his sleepy baby suckles at his chest. (His milk hadn't come in yet, when he went into labor. He doesn't know if he wants it to or not.)

Whenever he wakes, no matter the time or whoever else is there, Felix is there. It's a comfort he clings to with both hands, perhaps leaning into it too much, because he sees the way everyone who used to know him look at him with bewilderment, disbelieving that Chan could have become so dependent on anyone else, much less an alpha.

Well. Chan doesn't remember taking him, the first time, but he clings to the fact that as long as he's good, as long as he's a good omega, that Felix will protect him. He was...he wasn't, for those first few months. Now that he knows he was at least partially right to be afraid of the doctor who made him, he doesn't know what to feel about his actions back then. He likes being an omega fine, objectively. But untangling the knots and snarls of how he feels about Park and the Corps and even Felix, sometimes, just makes him tired. Most of the time it feels like he's under a constant haze of guilt where he knows that a good omega isn't depressed and snappish and so sleepy all the time, but he can't help it, and he thinks he couldn't help it before, either.

And on top of everything, the withdrawal. Chan's collar ran out of charges down in the bunker, and without the hits of chemical happiness his brain came to rely on, without that motivation to be worthy of praise, he finds every problem exacerbated. Sleep is almost always preferable to hearing Felix say good boy gently and feeling- nothing.

Still, Felix keeps saying it. Felix is dogged in his determination to get Chan to smile, carry a conversation, to drive home the belief that Chan is good. Chan tries, for him. He's just...so tired. He falls out of focus in the middle of discussing what he'd like for dinner, scaring Changbin until Felix gently coaxes him to lie down and breathe. Felix bathes him, and Chan stares sightlessly at his knees, wondering why they aren't painful, cramped up in the tub. One day he's been having a good day, even, and then he hears a certain pattern of beeps that used to mean pain from the wall terminal in the mess where he'd ventured out to eat (with Felix, of course) and he scrambles to his feet to sprint out, full of formless terror, and when Felix runs him down and catches him just outside the room even that doesn't soothe him. He fights his alpha's grip in blind panic, snarling and kicking, and only stops fighting when Felix, panicked, scruffs him.

And then things are worse, because Chan needs his alpha, needs the contact and the promise of safety, but an enraged Jisung, watching with horror, rips Felix away, tearing his claws from Chan's nape and leaving him in a daze of confusion on the floor.

"What the fuck were you thinking," Jisung shouts, shoving Felix back when he tries to approach Chan again. "How dare you, you think you can just- take his autonomy away from him? You think that shit's acceptable? Why the fuck do you think that's okay?"

Felix tries again to shove past Jisung, to get back to Chan, but Jisung's bulked up in the past eight months, Chan thinks hysterically, and Felix hasn't brought his alpha strength to bear quite yet, too shocked. "Alpha," he whimpers, because he needs Felix, it hurts, he doesn't know what to do other than beg Jisung to let him pass. "Please, my alpha-"

Felix grunts with effort this time when he throws his shoulder into Jisung and bulls right past to fall on top of Chan on the floor, clutching him tight like he needs so he doesn't fly apart. Only once Chan's whimpering has subsided and he has his face tucked into Felix's neck does Felix turn to growl back at an astonished Jisung, beta fangs bared, but he's no match for angry alpha and he knows it.

"He's mine," Felix growls. "Why shouldn't I comfort him when he loses control of himself? That fucker Park broke him, and I'm trying to pick up the damn pieces, and all of you treating him like he should still be the same person almost a year later isn't fucking helping when you remind him of what he's lost. I don't do anything that isn't for his own good."

Chan shudders against Felix's chest, curls up a little tighter. Felix is mostly right. He needs Felix, needs him like he needs oxygen and food and water. But- if he thinks about it, he broke himself. He was reckless, that horrible day when he- he threatened to hurt Felix and nearly killed himself, and Park may have been slowly crushing the pieces of his shattered mind into dust but Chan was the one who couldn't accept his place, couldn't just be good and take what he was given. He tries now, he tries hard, but he just keeps being fucking things up.

At least he can be good when his alpha holds him like this. He lifts a hand slowly, guides Felix's claws back into his nape, ignoring the brief pain at aggravating the wounds because this- this feels like the collar works again, feels like Chan can settle in and be safe.

He closes his eyes. He's tired.

~

When he wakes up, the room is dim, and it's just Felix there with him, pressed close to fit in the infirmary bed.

His alpha smells...sad? Guilty? Confused? Chan can't quite identify it, but he doesn't like it, so he rumbles a purr, pressing a kiss to Felix's shoulder.

"Love you," he mumbles. "Y' okay?"

Felix hums, a wry twist to his mouth as he opens his eyes. "I'm okay, love. Are you?"

"Yeah," Chan says. "'M good. Tired."

"Are you?" Felix's voice is deep and serious. Far more serious than Chan would expect. He shifts a little, turning towards his alpha to face him head-on.

"I- yes? You helped me. You're so good to me, Felix, you have to know how much it means that you never leave me."

"...Are you sure?" Felix's little smile twists into something ugly, pained. "Don't you remember? Telling me I raped you, telling me you never wanted to see me again? You were...very sure."

Chan freezes.

"I- I think- I think I might have been bad for you, baby." Felix kisses the top of Chan's head, but the gesture doesn't feel right with the words. Chan doesn't understand. "I think I hurt you, badly. I wanted you to be happy, and I thought you should be like my mother, proud to be her alpha's omega in all things, but you weren't like her. That first day after your heat, you were scared of me, weren't you? You were scared, and I hurt you, didn't I."

"Alpha, no-" Chan's head is spinning. He doesn't know what to think. He remembers- he remembers being scared, yes, but that was just him being stubborn, wasn't it? He shouldn't have been scared. He should have trusted his alpha. "You- you just wanted to protect me."

"I did. I wanted to protect you, because I knew you were going to get hurt, and I failed you, I let them hurt you, and I hurt you over and over. I should have taken you away, that first day when I saw you weren't going to submit to me or anybody. I should have taken you away instead of- of doing literally anything else." Felix is shaking, and so is Chan.

"Alpha," Chan begs. He's wide awake now. He feels- he feels like he's in free fall, trapped in memories he's tried to forget, unable to do anything but lie there and listen. "You- you-"

"I love you, Channie," Felix says simply. He pulls back to search Chan's face, and Chan looks back helplessly, unsure what he's looking for. "I do. I love you, I loved that you and I love this you, and I don't know if- if they made me that way, but loving you is the only thing I've ever done for myself. Loving you makes me strong. I can do this, I can run from everything I've known, just so I can keep loving you. But if you don't love me, I don't want you to stay with me forever, do you understand? I want you to be free."

Chan shakes his head wildly. "No, no, I love you, I need you, please don't leave me." He loves Felix. He does. He loves his alpha's laugh, how his whole face scrunches up at Chan's bad jokes, how he's helplessly, endlessly patient, the way he lights up when Chan praises him, like he cares what Chan thinks. He can't imagine not loving Felix.

"Okay, baby. I'm sorry, I don't want to leave you. But...let me do this, okay? I promise I'm not going to leave you. Just stay still." Felix kisses him, on the mouth, sweetly, then on his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. Chan stays very still. He almost doesn't dare to breathe.

Felix takes a deep breath, presses his thumb to the back side of the collar, and says clearly, "Disengage."

For the first time since the collar went on, it snaps open, and Felix lifts it away easily to set it aside. There's no chafing left behind, but when Chan lifts his hand to feel, there's a collection of dotted marks on the right side of his neck, ranging from irritated and a little raised to old, faded pockmark scars, where the collar injected its payloads. Chan feels...light without it, almost too light, like he'll float away without the heavy reminder of his alpha. But...it was also a reminder of Doctor Park, of dependence on him and the Corps. It might be okay, to be free of that, but...

"Felix," Chan says. "I'm going to stay with you." He makes the resolution, right there and then, because he had just- assumed, before. He'd assumed, without really thinking of it, that they were going to stay together. Saying it out loud makes it crystallize- he knows he's damaged, possibly beyond repair, but he wants this. "I want to. I do."

"Thank you." Felix kisses him again, and again, slowly growing in intensity until he bites hard on Chan's bottom lip. "Thank you, for loving me. For staying."

"How could I not?" Chan gasps into his mouth. "I'm yours." An impulse grabs him, suddenly. He may not be in heat right now, but he wants it. He heaves himself up, shucks off his shirt, straddles Felix on the bed and leans down to keep kissing him. "Let me- let me bond you? So we can be mated for real?"

"I- okay?" Felix seems startled, but his eyes drop to Chan's chest, which hasn't grown much more since the birth but hasn't shrunk either, leaving him with bare handfuls of flesh that he usually hides under baggy shirts. Now, Felix bites down on his own lip and reaches up to caress a nipple, his eyes darkening. "Are you sure you're ready, though, baby? I don't want to hurt you, if you aren't healed from- from the birth, and- you never wanted to have sex, before, and-"

"I'm healed, and I want this," Chan snaps, because he is, he's pretty sure, he stopped bleeding days ago and while he maybe can acknowledge he has some complicated feelings around sex he wants it now. He has no idea why they haven't done this before. He softens his tone when he asks again, though, to soothe Felix's unease. "Please, alpha."

"Okay. Okay, Channie, I've got you, don't worry." Felix shuffles a little, awkward, to sit them both up, and starts wriggling out of his sleep pants. Chan watches, hungry, dipping a hand into his own pants to touch himself. He's not quite wet yet, but as he twists his wrist to tease up and down his slit he knows he'll get there soon.

He's right. Felix is still mostly soft when he pulls his cock out, but Chan wriggles in delight and fights down his own pants so he can scoot forward and tease himself with it. He's a little surprised at his own audacity, and Felix is apparently more so by the way his eyes are wide and he's slow to react to Chan so close, but the feeling of rubbing Felix's cock over his folds is second only to when he's inside.

Chan isn't stupid enough to just go for it, though, no prep and only barely wet, so he shoves a finger inside himself and works it in and out, thumbing at his clit and throwing his head back when Felix growls at the sight and sensation. He wants, more than he thinks he ever has before outside of his first heat. Felix is the one to temper his frantic, impatient energy, though only barely; he uses one hand to collect Chan's now-dripping slick and start to stroke himself, and the other to grip Chan's hip and hold him steady.

"Calm down, baby, you'll get my cock," he murmurs, pressing kisses to Chan's upper chest and shoulders. "You're okay, I've got you, I promise."

Chan snarls in frustration, though, because he's soaking and quickly worked up to three fingers but he wants more, more, more. He spreads his fingers as wide as they'll go, past where it hurts, because he's had worse and he just doesn't care when it means he can shove his hips down against Felix's cock and feel the head finally slip inside. Felix's grip on him goes bruising, but Chan doesn't move any further, just lets himself breathe, shaking from adrenaline and the relief of getting what he needs. He wants to be mated for real, and for that, he needs to get knotted. Everything else is gravy.

Okay, yeah, maybe he does need to talk to Felix about sex.

But for now, it feels at least superficially good, while the storm of fear and pain and need rages in the back of his mind. For now, he doesn't look Felix in the eye, just rocks his hips slowly, taking him deeper with every small motion, fixing his teeth in his own bottom lip to muffle his moaning from both pain and pleasure.

Felix, for his part, shifts his hands to grip Chan's waist instead, thumbing over his belly and ribcage, the stretch marks that streak his skin. "Hey, Channie, you're okay, you're alright, just take it slow, okay? Fuck, you feel so good, but you don't have to rush, okay? I'm here."

Chan nods, because he can't say no to Felix, but he can't seem to physically stop himself from sinking as low as possible and staying there, still trembling. The stretch feels massive. Chan knows he's lost a lot of time, on the Endeavor, so he doesn't quite know how long it's been since the last time he was knotted down in the bunker and since he birthed his pup, but it must have been a while, if it's taking him so long to adjust.

Felix reaches out, tilts Chan's chin up with a finger, kisses him softly.

"Baby," he murmurs, "Relax."

Chan nods jerkily, once, twice. He's holding himself taut like a bowstring, he realizes, jaw clenched and shoulders around his ears, and he can't fully relax, his stupid brain won't let him, but he manages to let his shoulders slump at least. His cunt will be tight no matter what, but he did his best on that front.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, not sure if Felix will hear. "I'm sorry I'm like this. I don't- I don't want to be."

Felix just smiles at him, heartbreakingly tender, and pulls him in again to kiss his forehead even while he starts to push his hips up to meet Chan's.

"I love you. I don't care, okay? As long as you want me, I don't care how you are. As long as you want."

"I don't-" Chan shakes his head, screws his eyes shut. "I'm going to be better. For you. I want to be."

Felix keeps up that steady rhythm, slow, barely pulling out at all before grinding back in, stimulating Chan's clit with every press so he builds pleasure for both of them. "You can want to get better for yourself, Channie. I'm here to help you, but I don't have to be your whole world, you know?"

"You are," Chan says, getting into the rhythm now, listening to the slick slide of them moving together, the wet sound when his hips meet Felix's every time. "You're my world. I don't want it any other way, I just want you. I just need you." He loops his arms around Felix's neck, buries his nose in his alpha's scent gland, pricks at it with his omega fangs. Felix groans, deep and gravelly, and Chan preens. He did that. Only he makes his alpha sound like that.

The orgasm is a slow wave, building and building, easy to anticipate. Chan clenches down for the last time as it finally peaks and sinks his teeth into Felix's shoulder, the mirror of where his bitching mark is, and the sensation nearly blows him over. Their bond, withered and ineffective for months, suddenly floods to life, like seeing the world in bright color when before there was only shades of gray, more intense than it ever was before, because now it's so wide and open every single one of Chan's thoughts flows down it, and Felix's do too, melding them together in ecstasy. It feels right, it feels perfect, to be one like so, to feel both Felix's cock inside him and his cock inside Chan's cunt, both his teeth in his mate's shoulder and his shoulder being bitten, both his back being clawed into deep red lines by Felix's deliberately blunt nails and his shoulders sweaty against rough medbay sheets.

Even when Chan actually tries to settle himself back into his own flesh it's only half-effective. His body and soul are singing mate, mate, mate, making it hard to separate them now that they've been so close. He manages to withdraw his fangs, but he just lies there on top of Felix after that, dazed, drunk on feeling alive and strong and so, so satisfied.

Whoever finds them in the morning will have a surprise, but Chan doesn't care. He has his mate now. Everything's going to be okay.