Archive of Our Own

He only gets a couple fitful hours a night, most of the time. They've tried everything, it feels like. Felix is obsessive over it even in the fragile peace between then, setting the room at different temperatures, sleeping close together and far apart, even once commanding Chan to sleep, but the next morning he just woke up after his solid eight hours hysterical from being trapped in nightmares.

Two months into Chan's first pregnancy, Felix decides enough is enough. Chan is too fucking tired to fight him on it. The bags under his eyes are purple, and he's thinner and paler than he should be, he knows. The pair of them are both still too skittish-territorial to socialize with the other breeding omegas, but Chan knows what a healthy, bitched, pupped-up omega looks like. This isn't it.

So when Felix announces he's made an appointment for that afternoon to see an actual doctor about medication, Chan doesn't argue about it. Too much. He tries to keep a spark of himself alive, and he will never not hate pretty, inoffensive beta Doctor Park. Chan always feels dirty after seeing him. Felix doesn't like him much, either, but it's an echo of Chan's feelings on the matter.

So Felix insists, in that firm, warning tone, and Chan knows what's good for him so he just nods and flees to hide in the terminal room for the next couple hours.

In the medical bay, Doctor Park takes them both back to a private exam room and starts a cursory physical exam while talking to Felix. Chan grinds his teeth but lets it happen, speaking when he's spoken to, laying back on the table to let the doctor access his belly and hole more easily. Gloved fingers run over the little swell in his stomach, run a handheld scanner down the middle of it, pry open his cunt and peek inside.

"Not sleeping, huh," he says eventually. "Not uncommon in a first-time breeder. Felix, you got those records I sent you, yes? For what you might anticipate?"

"Yeah, but it's a vague symptom." Felix blows out his breath and shrugs helplessly. "It could just be growing pains, or he could miscarry in the middle of the night. It's not so simple, is it?"

Yeah. Chan hates this. Despite himself, he's protective of the little lives inside him. He doesn't want to be told he might just miscarry them out of nowhere.

"I-" he starts, intending to step in, but Doctor Park just continues on the same smooth, even tone.

"At this point, we're out of the real danger zone for miscarriage, but it still needs more sleep. I'm going to give you a pregnancy-safe...sleep aid, and if it's not better in a week come back again and we can talk more drastic solutions. I don't want to prescribe anything rash, but the stress is terrible for the children." He looks at Chan for the first time during the appointment. "Take better care, omega. A lot of money's been invested in you."

Chan almost snaps at him, but Felix's hand on his shoulder restrains the urge. Instead, he just glares as they give him his clothes back and he changes quickly so they can leave. One thing he's glad for- even before, he was never much ashamed of his body. Even the procedures that gave him his omeganess couldn't take away the fact that he's proud of the work he put into himself. He does his best to keep up with his exercise regimen- it's been an ongoing fight with Felix, lately, but he still works out a couple days a week- and even as his body gets ever so slightly softer with pregnancy and the high-calorie food they feed him he takes refuge in the hard muscle he maintains underneath.

Back in their quarters, Chan is on edge, anticipating another argument he'll inevitably lose. He keeps Felix in the corner of his eye while his alpha hovers, putting away the bottle of meds and slinking towards the terminal room in hopes of some good old-fashioned escapism.

"Why don't you take a nap?" Felix says, because of course he does.

"I don't want to," Chan grouses, doing his best to keep his tone light. "I won't sleep tonight if I nap now."

"You don't sleep at night anyway." Felix's tone is firm, and Chan fucking hates it. He knew this would happen. Gods, he hates feeling like a small, whiny child.

"Please. I just want to keep a regular schedule-"

"You'll have one once you're sleeping more than three hours at a time. Gods, Channie, I'm worried about you. And you heard the doctor, if you're stressed out the pups could-"

"Fine," Chan growls. "I'll go lie down, but no promises. Please don't come in unless I ask you."

"Of course, baby." Felix watches him grab one of the pills and take it with a swallow of water with sad eyes. Even now that they can separate for more than five minutes, his alpha hates it when Chan asks him to stay away, though he usually listens. Chan doesn't feel bad about it as he stalks off to their bedroom to throw himself into the nest. So what if he's dramatic about it. No one will see unless they watch back the camera footage, and it makes him feel better as he curls into a ball around his belly under the covers.

His mind drifts and his vision goes hazy, but he doesn't sleep. It feels a little like being scruffed when the meds really kick in, but without his alpha close the comfort aspect is gone, just turning his thoughts cold and syrupy and a little stupid. At some point, after almost an hour, he starts to cry from frustration, but he can't muster the will to move. He just scrubs at his eyes and hopes the scent of distress doesn't leak out of the room or permeate the blankets. Felix will worry even more, and it might make him unbearable.

There's a knock on the door after some interminable amount of time, when Chan's stopped crying and is just lying there listlessly, and the door cracks open. "Channie," Felix calls softly, "are you asleep?"

"No," Chan grunts, sitting up a little with the blankets still wrapped around him. "Didn't work." His head pounds with the blood rushing to it. He feels just as tired as before, and now he's oddly cold, shivering even deep in the nest.

"That's okay. We'll try again after dinner. The label says you can take two if you need." Felix approaches slowly, warily, but Chan can feel the way he reaches out over the bond to wrap Chan's mind in comforting affection.

It feels so good. Chan can't help it.

Touch during pregnancy isn't as heightened as during or just after his heat, but he chirrups in the way he knows is irresistible and reaches out to make grabby hands at Felix, who beams at him and rushes forward to tackle him down to the bed. Chan lets himself sink into his alpha's arms, sick of fighting and of feeling so bad all the time, and Felix holds him secure and safe and warm. His alpha is reliable like that, coming back to take care of him no matter how many times he's pushed away. Chan loves and loathes it, his persistence, his kindness, the way he kisses like they're actually partners who love one another.

Chan doesn't actually know how Felix came to be here, whether it's his mandatory Corps service or he volunteered. He's too scared to ask.

For now, Chan tucks himself so close to his alpha that he might be able to crawl inside his skin and make a home there. Maybe then he'd be happier, stuck next to the beating heart of someone who cares for him, in whatever fucked-up way. Felix buries his nose in his hair and rumbles, and yeah, the endorphins are flowing now, warming him from the inside out. He still isn't sleepy, and the odd artificial sluggishness still drags at his limbs, but this is better than nothing.

Chan sighs a little when his stomach rumbles without his consent. His body's gotten used to regular large meals, now, and he finds he can't push through hunger and ignore it so easily. Before, he'd spend twelve hours at a terminal at a stretch, picking snags out of code, but now he has to eat three or four times a day or he gets so lightheaded he totally hasn't passed out, haha, no, Felix, he's fine.

(Okay, so maybe once, a month in, when morning sickness had him by the throat, he skipped a couple meals to avoid throwing up and had to sit down real hard and lost a couple minutes, but he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.)

"Dinner, Channie," Felix says, pressing one more kiss to his crown. "Gotta eat for more than just you."

It works to drag him out of bed, like it always does, because Chan knows his whole job is to carry healthy pups to term. He wants to carry healthy pups to term. Even if they won't be his, he needs them on a deep, visceral level. It's a little scary, sometimes, the intensity of the feeling.

It's even scarier, to think of pups that could grow into his own children, after. His own pups, and Felix's.

He tries to forget it, as they eat and chat quietly over dinner. Felix is a good cook and an even better baker, and Chan really does appreciate how much better it is than the bland food in the ship's mess. Even with the supplements he has to hork down, Felix's food is delicious, and he's polite enough to say so even when they're sort-of fighting.

And maybe there's the added benefit of drawing out his alpha's most pleased grin, the one that only comes out when Chan praises him, but that's neither here nor there.

~

After they eat and do the dishes- Chan insists on being allowed to help, because he's not a total invalid- Chan takes a second pill and they curl up together on the couch in the lounge to watch the latest episode of the drama they've been enjoying. Almost immediately, he's shuddering with cold again, and he burrows into Felix's side while the pre-show reel plays. On the last episode, the lead had finally confessed to her love interest, but the other woman had slapped her and run off for reasons unknown. It's maybe a little trashy, but Chan doesn't mind. It's very low-stakes. Very unlike his own life.

Okay, so maybe he's dreamed of slapping Felix more than once, when he's being manhandled or kissed into submission or otherwise made to feel small. He'd never dare, though. He can only imagine the consequences.

Anyways, now the lead is trying to track down the love interest to try and get an explanation, and the love interest is leading her on a wild goose chase. It's actually pretty funny. Chan snickers at one particularly clever misdirection, then shivers as ice seems to trickle down his spine. "Felix?" he murmurs. "Let me go grab a blanket. It's cold in here."

"I'll get it, baby." Felix kisses the top of his head absently before getting up, and Chan sighs but lets it happen. This is small, this he can deal with. When Felix returns with the thick scratchy blanket from the nest that Chan suspects is real wool, he sighs contentedly and wraps himself in it. The texture is a little unpleasant but isn't terrible if he stays still, and the little cocoon of heat that it forms is delicious.

His eyelids start to droop after another ten minutes, and he leans on Felix as he loses the strength to hold himself up. He doesn't feel very good, he's a little nauseated and suddenly he's very aware of how sweaty he is, but his alpha's here. Everything's going to be fine.

~

Felix is very surprised, to say the least, when Chan slumps over into his lap. He catches his omega before he can fall off the couch, but he very nearly recoils when he feels Chan's skin, burning like a supernova and clammy with sweat.

"Baby?" he says, tapping Chan's cheek to try and rouse him, but his omega just grumbles incoherently. Felix shakes him harder, and Chan's eyes flicker open, rolled back so the whites are showing, but they close again just as quickly. "Chan!"

Felix tears away the blanket. Under it, Chan is feverish and flushed all over. He shivers hard enough to make his teeth chatter when the cold air hits him, but Felix is preoccupied with fighting down his own panic and making sure- yes, Chan is still breathing, smooth and slow. He's just...out. Is that good? Is it bad? Chan's been generally a little sickly so far, but Felix has no idea if this is an extension of that or if he's reacting badly to the medication or if he's just...asleep.

Okay. Okay. The breeder wing has a nurse on-call, usually for more pregnancy-related issues, but she answers readily enough when Felix buzzes for her and agrees to come take a look, though she warns him she's not equipped to do much in a real emergency.

He lays Chan down flat on the couch before she arrives, carefully covering him with the blanket again because he won't stop shivering despite how hot he feels. If it's a fever, shouldn't they try to break it? Isn't that supposed to help?

The nurse- Felix thinks her name is Hana- bustles in while he's pacing, all business immediately. She feels Chan's forehead, frowns, and presses a tricorder to his temple, holding his head in place when he whimpers and tries to move away in his sleep. Felix hovers behind her, tense but knowing that he can't do much right now.

"Hmm," she says eventually. "Haven't seen this in a while. This is your omega? He one of Park's?"

"Yes," Felix says slowly. "He's mine. Pretty sure Doctor Park made him, he signed off on all the paperwork I got when I got this assignment."

"Mmm. Well. Park makes his breeders a little differently than most. Some of his modifications are hit and miss, but he swears up and down they increase fertility, and that's the bottom line. I'd have thought he'd have told you about the possible side effects, though. Have you been having any sex since you bonded him?"

Felix blinks, nonplussed. "I got the medical records he sent me, but there's a lot and I haven't had time to go through them all. No, we haven't been. It's been a rough adjustment for him, and I mean, I've been trying to respect it when he asks me not to do something if I can, you know?"

"Yeah, I get you. We get a lot of nervous first-time breeders, they don't settle in properly, they have a hard time nesting, they get territorial and sometimes aggressive even towards their alphas. This particular problem is a Park special, though. Something about the way he rebalances a breeder's hormone production means some of them get pseudo-heats like clockwork straight through pregnancy, and the best treatment is the same as normal heat- they need an alpha knot or three."

Gaping, Felix glances between her and Chan, who, yeah, has been showing some odd moodiness and cravings on top of his sleeplessness the past couple days, but Felix had chalked it up to the pregnancy and left it at that. He cares for his omega, he can deal with Chan being bitchy.

"I- he hasn't been well, lately," Felix admits, all in a rush, because he knows how to handle heats but he didn't expect them so frequently, and he's worried now. "He can't sleep. We saw Doctor Park earlier, and he prescribed something for it-"

The nurse's face goes flat before he can finish. "Blue gel cap with white letters?"

"Yeah," Felix breathes. "Did he- did he know? That Chan was going into heat again?"

"Hmph. Almost certainly. That's not exactly a sleeping pill, though your omega certainly would be getting better rest if you knotted him more frequently- that's proven, it helps settle them, especially when they're new in the service. What he gave you is usually used as hormone therapy for omegas with low sex drive caused by depression who find heats painful. Part aphrodisiac and part general mood booster." She sighs exasperatedly, tucking her tricorder away again and shrugging at Felix. "He should have told you this himself, but who knows what goes through the minds of the people in that department. My official recommendation- one pill a day until they're gone, and you're sweet for trying to be nice to your breeder, but you're young. Just knot him at least once a day- preferably at the same time every day, so his body goes through the hormone cycle on a regular schedule- and his sleep should even out as much as it does during pregnancy. As far as the heat goes, you know what to do, though since you bitched him you should be the one to knot him as much as possible- it's better for the bond. Any questions?"

"I- uh." 

"You're going to do just fine. Let him sleep and knot him in the morning, he'll be right as rain soon enough."

She pats him on the shoulder, spares Chan a backward glance, and leaves.

Well.

Okay then.

~

Chan doesn't want to wake up. He's somehow aware that he's deeply asleep, and he feels like he's floating into the expanse of space, untethered, aware that worlds and galaxies spin on around him but not caring. Here, buried in his own mind, he's free.

Of course, that's when bright feeling like a solar flare erupts through his peaceful sanctuary. Grasping tendrils of heat and light draw him towards a new, glowing sun-

Tumbling back into awareness leaves him disoriented, and then suddenly heat. He's burning up, smothered under layers of blankets, and there's another warm weight lying across him, someone else's breath in his ear, tickling his long flyaways. Chan struggles out from under them, kicking away the covers and shivering at the cold air but he's so hot.

And wet. His thighs are wet.

His heart stops before he looks and comprehends- no, it's not blood. There's just a flood of clear, sticky slick making a mess, and his cunt is pulsing, producing still more. When he scratches his neck absently, his scent glands are swollen and sensitive to the touch.

What is going on. He's pregnant. There's no way he isn't. He wasn't dreaming of anything that would make him wet, not that he's had any desire whatsoever to do anything like that. Felix told him they didn't have to have sex outside of breedings, and Chan has been very happy with that, thanks. He gets himself off in the shower if he feels like it. But now he's soaking, and he feels empty, and he doesn't know how but he knows like he knows how to breathe that he's going to end up with his alpha's cock inside him by the end of the day.

Fuck this.

He wants to go back to sleep. Maybe forever. If he could just sleep through his service instead of enduring this constant new torture, he would. He's so tired.

Felix shifts in bed behind him. Chan stays very still, hoping he hasn't woken his alpha, but Felix just rolls over and snorts, his breathing evening out again and his side of the bond slow with dreams.

Carefully, slowly, Chan slides out of the nest, ignoring the mess he leaves behind for now. He'll finger himself in the shower, wash away the seemingly endless slick, and maybe it'll be enough. He can wash the sheets. Maybe it doesn't have to be a problem.

He locks the bathroom door. Felix can override it, but it gives the illusion of safety. He ignores the winking light of the camera in the ceiling. No one watches those things 24/7. He's alone. He can pretend.

~

Three orgasms in, Chan is panting with overstimulation, his knees shaking as he pumps four fingers in and out, but it's not enough. His cunt stretches ever wider obligingly no matter how many fingers he shoves inside himself, slicks itself up until it's oozing no matter how many times he washes it away. His wrist is starting to cramp. Felix will be awake soon and worry to find him out of bed. He's running out of time.

He's just clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his fourth orgasm when that warm, affectionate, sleep-soaked voice comes through the door. "Morning, Channie. Lemme in so I can piss."

Chan can't speak. He doesn't dare in case his voice betrays him. There's a long pause, during which Chan is very aware of the fact that he can't bear to draw his hand out of himself. He needs something inside.

Felix's voice is sharp with suspicion. "Channie? Are you okay?"

Chan bites down hard on a knuckle. He's frozen with dread. He knows he can't stop Felix from coming in. He knows once Felix smells him and sees what he's been doing there'll be no going back.

"Channie, let me in right now."

Mechanically, Chan reaches out with his slick-covered hand and unlocks the door. Felix bangs it open the moment he does, flooding the humid room with the scent of spicy alpha fear. Chan just stares at him dumbly, still leaned back against the shower wall with his legs spread.

"Sweet gods, Channie, don't scare me like that." Felix doesn't even glance at the mess between his legs, just pulls him into a hug, not caring that his clothes immediately get soaking wet. Chan is subsumed by his presence, by the overbearing cloud that hangs around him, by the command that rattled his brain.

"Alpha," he rasps, baring his throat and squeezing his eyes shut. "Please." He doesn't know what he's asking for, whether it's more touch or less, for help or to be left alone- he's tired, he's so tired. He wants this to be over.

Felix kisses his temple and runs his hands over Chan's belly, gently, so gently, always so careful with him. "I thought you'd hurt yourself, darling," he murmurs, gently scolding even while he presses closer, closer, closer. "Don't do that again."

"Okay," Chan says, fighting to keep his breathing steady. Felix's hands are heavy on his hips, but they're staying there, helping hold him up. It's okay. Chan feels like he's losing his grip, but gods, Felix is damnably still there for him.

"Listen, Channie," he says, and Chan is powerless to do anything else, transfixed on Felix's lips while his alpha turns off the water and grabs a towel, slow and deliberate. If Chan tries to reach for the bond, he can read...affection, yes, but there's also something making him apprehensive, somehow even more delicate than usual as he rubs Chan's hair dry. "You passed out on me hard last night, baby, I'm surprised you didn't sleep longer. I talked to a nurse, because I wasn't sure if that was normal, and..."

"What?" Chan asks. His voice is still rough but now that he's coming out of panic mode he feels like he can breathe. Felix isn't going to touch him. It's okay.

Felix blows out a long breath, his mouth a wry, unhappy twist when he flicks his eyes up to meet Chan's. "You're not sick, baby. You're in heat. You need me to knot you, or you're not going to get better."

Chan's first thought is: No. His second thought is: The pups?  His third thought is...nothing, just sick buzzing horror.

He shakes his head, backing away from Felix towards the toilet in the corner. He can't do this. Felix just keeps watching him with those soft fucking eyes, lets him have his crisis, extends comfort across the bond, but Chan is full of such visceral revulsion he shuts it out and curls in on himself. Yes, he's aroused. That's the worst part. His body wants Felix, wants him inside, and Chan knows, logically, that it's nothing he hasn't done before, but the thought of Felix's cock stretching his needy cunt open now makes him gag.

Oh, fuck, he really is going to throw up. Chan scrambles for the toilet and hacks over it, distantly feeling Felix's alarm and hearing him come closer but mostly concerned with the burn of stomach acid in his nose.

When his stomach finally stops rolling, he just sits back on his haunches and cries with his hands clamped over his mouth. His face is a mess. His thighs are a mess. But he can't stop. He wants to stop. He wants to die.

Does he?

Yeah, a little.

On impulse, he shoves himself up and makes a break for the door, but Felix is too close and catches him, caging him in with his strong arms that Chan hates and loves in equal measure. His alpha doesn't expect Chan, high on adrenaline and hysterical, to bring one strong knee up and catch him in the balls, though, and Chan tears himself away when Felix doubles over and groans, racing towards the kitchen where he grabs one of the big knives and whirls around to point it at Felix when he stumbles through the doorway.

"Don't fucking touch me," he manages. "If you come near me I'll kill you." A dark memory twinges in the back of his head, and he grabs another knife with his other hand, holding it to his own neck. He feels insane, knows he must look crazy, still a naked mess of pregnant, in heat omega, but he's done. He never wanted any of this in the first place, and he feels weak both for not even managing six months in the Corps and for having given himself up when he was taken from his old crew in the first place. "I'll- I'll kill myself if you try to force me. I don't want you, I won't listen to you, I'm a person, you motherfucker. I'm not your toy or anyone else's."

"Channie-" Felix is clearly entirely shocked, his eyes wide as moons and his body language open, but Chan snarls at him with every bit of pent-up venom in his veins and he snaps his mouth shut.

"Fuck you. You raped me." Felix recoils, opens his mouth to protest and trips backward over his own feet when Chan stabs forward with the outstretched knife, but Chan's not done, rage driving him as he steps forward slowly, inexorably, spitting poison all the way. "You treat me like- like some dumb animal, like a pet. Is that all I am to you? Feed and water and fuck me and you think I'll roll over for you? If I could rip your fucking bitching bond out by the roots I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm not going to mate you, I'll never bear your pups, I don't care about you. I want- I never want to see your face again."

The tip of the knife is sitting on Felix's sternum. His alpha's eyes are swimming with tears, and he's opening and closing his mouth, apparently stunned speechless.

"Channie," is all he says, helplessly. He backs up into the front hallway when Chan shoves and the tip of the knife pierces his chest, though, and that's what Chan wants. He wants to go, escape this utter hell and hide in the next galaxy over, or die trying.

"Don't fucking call me that," Chan whispers. "You don't care about me."

Chan's not a murderer, though, despite this breaking point he's been driven to, so he drops that knife when he turns and runs for the door that leads out of their quarters. He rips it open and dashes out, not even looking where he's going, vision blurry with tears and anger and heat.

He makes it ten feet before there's a sharp sting in the side of his neck and he collapses into a boneless heap on the floor- but his hand, still clutching the other knife, jerks and cuts a deep slice across his throat.

There's almost no pain as he crumples. He closes his eyes, listens to the sounds of indistinct shouting and his own gurgling breaths, and soon enough it all fades to blackness.

~

Felix is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

His bonded hated him. He's failed as an alpha on almost every level. Chan was his everything, and Chan thought he was the scum of the earth, and then Chan cut his own throat to escape him. He felt the bond wither into silence, felt his omega's pain as his consciousness faded. On top of that, Park isn't even angry at him. "There's always that one in a hundred," he'd shrugged earlier when told what had happened. "It's likely not your fault- just a bad temperament. We try to select breeders that will be happy to do their service, but no test is foolproof." Felix nearly punched him with how blasé he was about it, but instead he just nodded stiffly and returned to their quarters- the quarters that were theirs- to give it a top-to-bottom scrubbing.

He almost ignores the chime when someone buzzes to let him know they're outside the door, but the thought of it being ship security here to bring him his new room assignment makes him sigh and slump over. Might as well get it over with.

To his surprise, it's the breeder nurse- Hana. She smiles gently at him while he just stands there in surprise.

"Hi, Felix. Do you have a minute?" She's just being polite. Everyone in the wing had to have heard the commotion and Chan being rushed to medical. Of course he has a minute, he no longer has a reason to be here.

"Sure," is all he says, though, as he steps aside. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, that's alright. I'm just here to talk to you about next steps." She walks unhurriedly towards the lounge, and Felix falls into step beside her, confused but wanting to be polite.

"I thought I'd just get written orders. Where are they transferring me? Admin?" Useless alpha couldn't even restrain his omega from killing himself, so he probably won't go to security. Admin might be nice, to be just a gofer for a while while he figures himself out. He's going to be having nightmares of that image of Chan collapsing with blood gushing from his throat for months.

"Transfer? If you want new quarters, we can do that, but we thought you'd be more comfortable staying here?" She sounds politely confused, too. He stops and turns to her, frowning.

"Why would I stay here? If nothing else it's too big for one person. And I-" his breath catches "-I'll just be stuck with bad memories, here."

"That's understandable," she says, eyes sympathetic. "We'll move you two to different quarters, then, but you should take bedding or something else that smells like you so it won't be entirely unfamiliar."

"Wait." His mind buzzes, catching on her words. "Us...two?"

"Yes, both of you. Why in the world would you be separated for any longer than necessary?" She stops, too, shaking her head. "If you want to request another omega, that's within your rights, though I thought you were fond of this one, even if his care will be more intensive going forward."

"He's not dead?" Felix's heart is in his throat. He doesn't dare to hope. "I thought- the bond-"

"Oh, Felix." She smiles at him again, softening. "No, he's not dead, he just lost a lot of blood and it's apparent now that we should have spotted the fact that he was unstable much earlier. He's going to need some recovery time, and Park will probably want to implement some safety modifications to make sure this doesn't happen again, but he'll still spend the rest of his service with you. His heart did stop once, which may have led to your bond being damaged, but it can be restored."

Felix could cry with joy. "Oh, gods, thank you, I thought- I thought-"

Hana's lips twist wryly. "Despite any faults he might have, Doctor Park is very good at what he does. Your omega will be safe and healthy." She lowers her voice a little, glancing at the camera overhead. "You didn't hear this from me, but...it's likely he won't be the same person you knew. That might be good or bad, depending on your perspective. Just be prepared."

Felix nods, slowly. If Chan changes...would that be such a bad thing? He liked the energy Chan had, his earnestness and ease in his own skin, but so often he'd been hot and cold, bitter one moment and sweet the next. Felix had just wanted him to be happy, healthy, relaxed, but he'd been so angry.

Felix's heart breaks when he thinks about Chan in the kitchen, his eyes wild and stinking of rot with fear and rage. He tries to rationalize everything he'd said, tries to think that Chan hadn't meant it, but he doesn't quite know how to.

He just has to take Chan as he is. Felix is trying, for him.

He lets Hana sit him down and give him a packet, explain that Chan is going to be okay, but he's going to need a lot of care. Felix is happy to provide. They go over the maintenance medications, any warning signs that might mean he needs to be hospitalized again, and the fact that, while he'll still have all of his memories, his disposition will likely be much more needy, seeking to please, and for a while, possessive of his alpha and his space. He'll be ruled by instinct, and that means impulsiveness, but also easy submission, and that settles Felix's mind. Chan always had to be forced to submit, before, and it takes a weight off of his mind that he might do what Felix asks him the first time now. He doesn't intend to abuse it, of course. But checkups and getting enough rest and maybe, yes, having sex will be easier if Chan doesn't dig his heels in so often.

A thought strikes him, and he bites his lip. "Do you know- do you know if his current litter, um. Survived?"

"I'm not sure," Hana says gently. "Park will have tried his best to save them, but in case it came down to it, the life of the breeder comes first. You can ask if you go visit him tomorrow."

"Okay. Okay." Felix runs his hands through his hair. "Thank you. I can- I can see him tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course, starting at usual visiting hours. He'll probably be sedated, but you can scent him, and you know, people always talk about being able to hear when you're in a coma. Just be gentle." She sighs, shakes her head. "Do you have any questions for me?"

"No. Thank you. Gods, thank you so much." He sees her out, then goes to collapse on the couch again, mind reeling. Chan isn't dead. He tried to kill himself, but he's not dead. He's still going to be Felix's. Everything's going to be okay.

~

The next day, Chan is indeed sedated, but his face finally looks peaceful in sleep like it hasn't been for weeks. Felix kisses his forehead and breathes in his scent, weak but still sweet as ever. He tries not to look at the bandages wrapped securely around his throat. Chan is alive. He's alive.

Felix takes about half an hour to just watch him breathe, reassure himself that he won't just stop, then goes to talk to Doctor Park.

He's a hard man to find, but Felix eventually locates his secretary and asks if he has ten minutes free. It comes out that he does, so Felix waits in Chan's room, and the doctor comes bustling in, frowning with annoyance but nodding once he sees Felix like he expected this.

"Ah, Lee. Here for your breeder?"

"Yes, I- I wondered, I heard he's going to be fine, but what about his pups? And how long is it going to be before he can come home?"

"Sure, sure. Unfortunately, we've been able to ascertain that while it had been housing three before, the shock of losing so much blood meant that it miscarried two." Park gives him a long, considering look before continuing. "I've decided that it would be best for it to carry the last child to term, so that it can recover more easily from the damage to its body and the adjustments I'm making mid-pregnancy. The child still has a higher chance of being stillborn, but if the breeder can deliver safely then that's a good sign for it being able to continue in the program for the rest of its service. I've already initiated most of the changes in its body, but in an abundance of caution I'd like to keep it sedated for two more days and under observation here for another three. You can come visit between the usual hours, and if you'd like a dispensation to sleep here we can get you a cot. Would that be amenable?"

"Yes- yes, please, I still have to get some things ready but I'd love to stay with him." Felix moves to the edge of the bed again, smooths his hand over Chan's hair, watches while he makes a small sound and jerks at the soft restraints that hold his wrists and ankles still in his sleep.

"Very good, then. We're monitoring it around the clock, of course, but feel free to buzz for a nurse if you think anything may be wrong. Have a good day, Lee." Park sweeps out again, just as quickly as he'd entered, but he's a busy man, and Felix doesn't mind more alone time with Chan.

"Baby," he murmurs, intertwining their fingers as he collapses into the chair at Chan's bedside. "Rest and get well soon, alright? Come back to me. I love you."

~

Chan is out in space again. He remembers dreaming of this before, remembers the endless, deep black dotted with pinpricks of stars light-years away. It's very comfortable, he decides. Despite the cold vacuum around, his body stays properly warm and person-shaped, and as he drifts he hears sound reach him, filtered strange but still intelligible in scraps and pieces.

"...won't be scared?"

"Of course not...reinforce..."

"...be...nothing else."

There's an odd phantom pressure, light around his throat. He tries to lift a hand to rub at it, but he can't, for some reason. His hands are stuck in place.

The light of one of the stars is getting brighter. Chan remembers that, too, remembers it heralding the end of the dream, but he doesn't want to wake up, so he turns away as much as he can.

The voices just get louder, echoing, drawing him in closer, closer-

"That's it...safe..."

"...gentle."

The star is so close, so bright. Chan squeezes his eyes shut, but light still burns his retinas through the lids. He makes a small sound, turning his head away, and the weight around his neck resettles. It's so strange.

"...dimmer..."

The light fades a little, and Chan dares to crack his eyes open again. The blackness of space is gone, replaced by dim grey light. Faces swim above him, out of focus, but he just blinks at them. He thinks, somewhere, he might have been afraid, but something about one of the faces makes him feel calm. He might have been able to fall back asleep if it wasn't for the light and someone holding his hand.

Oh. Someone's holding his hand. That's nice.

"Chan?" Someone says. "Can you hear me, baby?"

"Yes," he says fuzzily. It's a lot of effort to force his lips and tongue to cooperate, but it's so natural to respond. It makes pleasant warmth spark in his chest, to go along with what this person wants, to be good.

Then they lean in, close to his face so their features come into focus, and their scent hits him, and he gasps with delight. That's his alpha! He squirms a little in place, frowning when he finds his wrists held at his sides and most of his muscles uncoordinated and clumsy anyway, but he settles for turning his head to expose his neck. That strange something presses hard into something that hurts on his throat, though, and he jolts with the feeling.

"Hey, shh, you're okay. I'm going to let you have your wrists but don't mess with your collar, okay?"

He nods. He's wearing a collar? That would explain it. The weight is heavy, padded on the inside, but heavy. He obediently doesn't reach for it when there's two clicking sounds and his hands can move, but he does reach up and pat his alpha's beautiful face. Felix.

Felix places a hand over his where it cups his cheek, smiling, and it's the most wonderful thing Chan's ever seen. "Alpha," he breathes. He wants them to be close, close, close. He wants to be scented. He wants- what does he want?

want to go home leave me alone don't touch me

He shakes his head again, trying to throw off the weird feeling of dread. His alpha is here. There's other people, too, but his alpha won't let him be hurt. He promised. Chan remembers that. As long as he's good and listens well, Felix will protect him.

"That's it, Channie, just relax. You're okay."

Chan relaxes, his smile widening, because it feels so good. Felix keeps watching him, a little bit of wonder creeping into his expression. He turns to one of the others- Doctor...Park, he thinks?- and says, "This is good, right? Normal?"

"Oh, yes. It will take about a week for its brain to adjust to the intensified hormone input, during which it may be erratic in its behavior while it learns what will result in a hit, but after that it should be well trained. Most every breeder with these alterations does quite well on them, as long as they remain properly taken care of. Many do become dependent on the external source, but those that mate their alphas after service are already in an optimal position for long-term care and those that are released have options for maintenance." Park looks...smug? Self-satisfied. A lot of his words go over Chan's head. He doesn't understand, so he whines at Felix, reaching for his hand. Park snorts, turning away to grab a tricorder from the side table. "You're going to be fine, omega. I'm just going to check on how the child is handling the extra input and then we'll leave you to it. Lee, go slowly, but you should get a start on the regular knotting as soon as possible. It's anecdotal, but insemination may even assist in speeding the healing process."

Something about that sounds strange, but he's going to be fine, so there's no problem. Chan just nods, lets out a little sigh as Felix runs a hand through his hair.

my pups my babies don't TOUCH ME

Chan presses harder into Felix's touch, like a cat, giggling when he scratches lightly with his nails and drives the dark cloud back again. He barely even feels Park's deft hands. The cold of the tricorder against his skin is the only point of discomfort, and it's gone quickly.

"Perfectly healthy," Park pronounces, snapping off his gloves into a wastebin. "I'll be on my rounds for the next few hours, page the nurse's station if you have issues."

Chan doesn't even watch him go. He only has eyes for Felix.

"Hey," Felix says, gentle. "Do you feel okay?"

"Mm-hm." He does feel pretty good. Less groggy than when he woke up, more like he could stand up if he wanted to. He doesn't want to, though, he just wants to stay here with his alpha.

Felix hesitates. "Do you want me? Do you want this?"

"Hmm? Yes?" Of course he wants Felix. He wants Felix in every way. It makes him very happy to be wanted in return.

no no NO

"I mean- do you want to be knotted, baby?" Felix looks so concerned. There's something dark behind his eyes. He asks so earnestly, though.

That weird something inside of him is screaming. He shuts it out and smiles.

"Of course."

~

Felix is trying, here. He wants Chan to be happy.

Chan is smiling and talking and acting sweet as sugar, and it makes Felix so pleased, to see him seemingly at peace, alive, so pretty with the dark metal collar against his pale skin.

"Channie," he says. "Look at me." Immediately, Chan does. This attentiveness, gods, it makes Felix fall for him harder.

Yeah, he loves Chan. Loves him enough to take this slow, be careful. This knotting won't just be an alpha fucking their omega. Felix wants to impress his love on Chan's skin, so everyone can see it, so it'll radiate off of him that Felix is the one that's claimed him.

He slides Chan up a little in the bed and slips in beside him. Chan groans, his head dropping back to splay his dark hair out behind him like a halo, and Felix can't deny he wants. He presses his nose against Chan's scent gland and takes deep whiffs of the sweet-tart scent of joy that emanates there. God, Chan's so perfect. His omega really is everything he dreamed of.

Experimentally, he nips at the soft skin, teasing over the scars of his own teeth. Chan gasps, wraps his arms around Felix and pulls him closer, so Felix hums and plants an open-mouthed kiss onto his adam's apple to hear that sound again.

Chan straight-up moans, though, squirms under Felix, arching and grinding up hard enough to draw a surprised groan from him in return. "Channie-"

"Please," Chan says, and when Felix manages to focus on anything other than hot he gets lost in the hunger in Chan's eyes, the fervor, something indescribable but something incredibly attractive. "Please," he says. "Please, alpha, want you, want your cock-"

Yeah, okay. What else is Felix supposed to do, except get naked as quickly as possible?

Chan's only wearing thin hospital scrubs, and those are easy to shuck off, too, leaving him in just the collar, spread out against the sheets like any alpha's wet dream.

But he's Felix's. All Felix's.

Chan whines sharply when Felix straddles his thighs and lets his cock slap against Chan's stomach. "Alpha, inside."

"Not right away, baby, I'll hurt you." Felix rubs his hands over Chan's thighs, massaging the muscle and fat and teasing higher and higher until his fingers are ghosting over Chan's groin. Chan shudders, his nails digging into Felix's back, and wow that's hot, the little sparks of pain as his instincts take over and claws and teeth sharpen. "Let me just-"

Chan cries out when Felix slips a finger inside. His hole is a little dry and tight as a vice, but that's okay. Felix leans in to kiss him and swallow his sounds while he works a finger in and out, in and out, slowly to let him get used to the stretch and stimulate his slick production before anything more goes inside.

And gods, when Chan's slick arrives, it comes in a gush, soaking Felix's palm and making the slide so easy Felix's one finger goes right in to the third knuckle in half a second. Chan is so responsive, whimpering and moaning, grinding his hips down, and if Felix didn't have his teeth fixed in his omega's bottom lip he's sure he'd be begging.

Obligingly, Felix slips in two more fingers. Chan's cunt takes them easily, adjusting in just a few thrusts to to thicker intrusion, but Felix knows his knot will be much bigger. Omegas are made to take alpha cock and knot, of course, but there's no harm in being careful.

On impulse, Felix breaks the kiss and laps at his fingers and palm intead, the stick-sweet slick taste only making him harder. God, he's so ready, but he has to make sure Chan is too.

"One more thing," he murmurs, sliding down the bed and prying Chan's thighs open as wide as they'll go. God, it looks so good from this angle, the wetness of his lips parting to reveal his flushed hole. Felix dives in to devour it without warning, ignoring how Chan's thighs clamp tight around his head.

"Felix, gods-"

Felix doesn't reply, just laps long stripes up Chan's pussy, barely dipping his tongue inside with his fingers on each pass. It tastes so good and he's so wet, there's so much slick for him to drink like it's water and he's been thirsting for it for weeks. And it's Chan. His Chan, alive and warm and moaning like Felix is torturing him with pure pleasure. Felix will never take this for granted.

By the time he comes up to breathe and kiss Chan to let him taste himself, his dick is half hard just from all the pretty sounds, and Chan could probably take his fist with how loose and sloppy he is. It's perfect, and a fun idea, but now Chan is making more tiny, urgent sounds of need and Felix really does want to fuck him properly.

So he pulls away momentarily to flutter kisses all over his omega's beautiful face while he grips his hips and starts to press in. Chan's jaw goes slack and his feet kick a little, but Felix can't stop, Chan's cunt is so hot and wet and perfect.

He takes a moment to breathe, when he's all the way in, and adjusts his grip. "Channie?" he asks, knowing he must sound deeply fucked-out already with the searing sensation but needing to check in. "This good?"

Abruptly, Chan's eyes well up, and then there are tears running down his face. With how flushed he already is, it just makes him more beautiful. "Y-yes," he says, shaky, a little strange. "I'm sorry, alpha, I don't know why- I don't want to-"

He breaks into sobs and more broken apologies. Felix is bewildered. Chan cries harder when Felix moves as to withdraw his cock, so he doesn't move their hips, just plants kisses everywhere he can reach while Chan sniffles and clutches at his back and sides and eventually calms himself down.

"Good boy," Felix murmurs into Chan's ear once he's quieted down to just occasional hitching breaths. He doesn't miss how the tense lines of his omega's body go lax when he does, so he keeps layering on praise while he starts to move. "Such a good omega for me, taking my cock so well. You feel so good, make me so happy- oh, fuck, that's right, darling, I tried to get you loose and comfortable but you want to be tight for me, hmm? You want to milk my knot?"

"Yes, alpha, please, yes, want your knot-" Chan clenches on him, hard, again and again, so good Felix pitches forward until their foreheads are pressed together, sharing breath. He can feel his knot swelling, feel the stretch of Chan's hole every time it slips in and out until it's too big and Felix can only rut in little bursts to meet Chan rolling his hips down. The pressure and the heat are euphoric.

Felix can't help but come quickly, after months of being patient while watching his omega swell fat and lovely with pregnancy. Chan clamps down especially hard once one of them gets a hand on his clit, and Felix is gone. His knot feels huge even to him, and when he snarls and bites into the meat of Chan's shoulder his omega squeals and comes almost in sync. It just extends both of their pleasure, aftershocks thrumming through them both while Felix's knot empties itself slowly and Chan shakes with overstimulation.

His beautiful omega. The most perfect omega. Felix wants to hold him and keep him like this forever, wants to suspend him here in this space, where they're connected and happy.

It's not long before Chan's breath evens out as he slips into sleep, exhausted by the excitement and the sex. His collar beeps quietly and the indicator light changes for low-power monitoring. Felix sighs, tests his knot- nope, still too large. He nuzzles against Chan's jaw and settles in to wait instead. He won't hurt Chan. He won't let him be hurt.

It's going to be easier, now. Felix won't have to push so hard.

He's looking forward to their next eight years.