Archive of Our Own

Disclaimer: Smallville and its characters belong to the WB and DC Comics. I don't own any of it. This story is for entertainment purposes only.

Author's

Clark put on a happy face with his parents when they came to stay in Metropolis for a few days during graduation weekend. Even though Martha had attended Metropolis University herself and they had toured the campus every year when they came to visit, Clark still took his parents around, showing them all the places he had classes, studied and hung out with friends. He even brought them to The Planet's office, showing them the tiny office he shared with the other interns and where his new desk would be once he started his full time job with the paper. After breaking up with Lex, Clark felt like he had lost everything because of his sexuality--he had lost the person he was in love with and he had practically ruined his relationship with his parents. When Martha hesitantly broached the subject of Clark's coming out, Clark told her that he had thought about what they had said and had decided to consider giving up relationships with men. He didn't tell them he had become decidedly heterosexual since that wasn't true, but he had to tell them something to relieve some of the tension. Of course, what he told them wasn't completely true either, but Clark was at a loss and since the one man he was in love with had pushed him aside, he might as well act somewhat straight for the sake of what was left of his relationship with his family.

So, Clark was the upbeat, cheerful tour guide during his parents visit and the Kent family seemed to be back on the road to normalcy. Only when his parents went off to have their own fun in the city did Clark let the sharp pain of losing Lex rise to the surface. He stayed in his room, silently packing it away and trying to hide from the world--when he had a free moment to think, he often found his eyes swelling with tears and a pain deep down in his chest. The few times he had been physically hurt were jarring experiences for Clark, his body unaccustomed to the pain, but none of those moments could compare to what he felt now.

The irony was that when Clark had felt anything even close to this depressed, this hurt, he had gone to Lex and while Lex didn't always have the answer, just being with him made Clark feel better. Pete and Chloe had tried to console him. In a misguided effort to cheer up Clark, Pete talked about how he didn't expect anything less from a Luthor and that the best way for Clark to get over him was to go out, party and start dating again. Clark simply nodded at Pete's prodding, growing annoyed at his lack of sensitivity, but staying silent because he knew that was Pete's way of coping and he was only trying to help. Chloe, on the other hand, was more sympathetic, simply sitting by Clark's side at the worst moments, rubbing his back and holding his shoulders as he cried.

"It's all my fault, Chloe," Clark had told her, sounding as miserable and distraught as he looked. "I felt like everything was pulling at me from all sides--school, work, my family, Lex. And something had to give. I just didn't realize it was going to be my relationship with Lex and that it would happen so soon, so quickly."

"I know, Clark. I know," Chloe simply said, listening to her friend.

"The worst part is that it's not like I just lost a boyfriend," Clark said, his voice drenched in despair. "I feel like I've lost my best friend."

At those words, part of Chloe felt angry at Lex for hurting Clark like this, but part of her also felt a stab of jealousy, a stab of annoyance at Clark for being so upset about breaking up with Lex. Yes, she knew that they were close and that perhaps Clark really was in love with him, but Chloe, and most certainly Pete, had known Clark for much longer than the young Luthor and it hurt her pride to know that somehow, Lex had gained a higher place in Clark's life and heart. But looking at her heartbroken friend, remembering the few times she had gotten the chance to see Clark and Lex together, she knew how deep the pain must be for Clark. No one could understand it, no one could explain it, but everyone saw it--Clark and Lex fit together like best friends in love were supposed to. Chloe only wished that she could have had that with Clark. Or with anyone at all.

Despite the breakup and the circumstances surrounding the breakup, Lex still attended Clark's graduation. He tried to blend into the crowd, trying to anonymously watch the ceremony and share in Clark's accomplishment, although from a distance. While some murmured around him when he walked between the bleachers and sat down, people left him alone, silently wondering why Lex Luthor was at the Metropolis University Commencement Ceremony. When the ceremony had ended, parents and children searched for each other in the growing crowd outside the stadium. Lex started to make his way back to his car when he saw Clark and his family. He hadn't really planned to say anything to Clark, even let him know he had come, and he didn't plan to now, but he couldn't help watching the Kents hug each other, patting Clark on the back and congratulating him. It reminded Lex of the many times he had looked longingly at the Kent family over the years, especially when contrasted with his father's own inability to connect with his son. Watching them, the same old feelings washed over Lex, wanting to be together with Clark again and accepted by the Kents, but he felt that they were probably such a happy family again only because Clark and Lex had broken up and Clark had kept his relationship with Lex a secret from them. Maybe Jonathan was right--Luthors could only bring problems to their family.

Lex must have looked on too long because Clark could feel someone watching him and looked up, catching Lex's eye. Lex thought to turn away, act like he didn't see Clark notice him, but instead he just looked on, putting on an awkward smile and waving half-heartedly at his former lover. Clark smiled gently and waved back, acknowledging Lex, but not really inviting him over.

"Who did you just wave to, Clark?" Jonathan asked when he saw his son wave, looking into the crowd and thinking it might be Chloe or Pete. The Sullivans, Rosses, and Kents had planned to have a joint celebration dinner after graduation.

"Lex," Clark answered, gesturing in Lex's direction. "He's at the other end of the parking lot."

"Is he coming over?" Martha asked. Jonathan had never really liked Lex, but he had come to accept his friendship with Clark and she thought Lex should be welcome to celebrate her son's big day.

"No, no," Clark said shaking his head. Lex had started to walk away after Clark had waved, but he was stopped by some people who seemed to know him. Watching Lex, Clark knew he was in full business mode, giving polite smiles and making idle chit chat. Must be some business associates or someone who works for him, Clark thought. "It looks like he's busy with some people. You know he can hardly go anywhere anymore without being recognized. I'll catch up with him later," Clark said, acting as if nothing good or bad had happened with Lex over the past six months.

"Okay, Clark," Martha shrugged, not even thinking twice. She was sure Lex was a busy man and would come around to congratulate Clark when he had a chance. "Come on, let's go," she said, walking towards the car. "We'll be late for dinner."

(A few days later)

Lex's head jerked up when he heard a beep.

"Mr. Luthor?" Lex's administrative assistant called out over the intercom. "There's a Miss Sullivan here to see you."

"Chloe?" Lex asked in surprise. "Show her in."

"Hi Lex," Chloe greeted as she walked into the expansive office, sunlight pouring in through floor to ceiling windows all around.

"Chloe, I hardly expected to see you today," Lex said, getting up from his desk to meet her. "Not that it isn't a pleasant surprise. Please have a seat."

"No, thanks," Chloe said, shaking her head. "I have to get going soon. I just stopped by to talk to you about something--about Clark."

"I see," Lex said gravely, turning to fix himself a drink from his private bar. "I don't really see how it's any of your business--"

"But it is my business," Chloe cut off, interrupting the speech she knew Lex would give on privacy. "Clark is one of my closest friends and while you're running your company and out on the town with the flavor of the week, I'm here watching Clark go through the motions of daily life, knowing that he's completely heartbroken inside."

Lex sighed, his back to Chloe as he momentarily set down the glass of scotch he had started to pour at the mention of Clark. "I'm sorry if I hurt Clark, but I'm sure you know the circumstances surrounding the breakup," he explained. "We'd been through the subject a million times and he wasn't willing to tell his parents the truth. It's taken a long time for me to value honesty, but I do now and I couldn't go on knowing that our relationship wasn't important enough for him to tell his parents."

"Important enough?" Chloe asked, incredulous. "Are you kidding, Lex? He would have lived and died for you. He was just scared. What did you expect? He's a twenty-one- year-old kid who, for the first time in his life, had felt like he had disappointed his parents--his parents who were the world to him--because of what? Because of his sexuality? Because he was in love with a man? Because he was in love with a Luthor?"

"And what about me?" Lex exploded, turning around at the sound of the word "Luthor." "Don't you think this is hard for me too? Don't you think I have my fair share of sleepless nights and times when I wish I could just call him up and tell him forget it, it's okay, it doesn't matter, let's just be together?"

"Then why don't you?" Chloe asked frantically.

"Because I refuse to live a lie!" he shouted. "My whole life has been about deceit and power struggles. Clark is the one person who makes me realize that it doesn't have to be. He's taught me to be who I am, not what my father wants me to be. And even if I die from the pain of it, I can't be with him if it means playing games, about lying to the people closest to us."

Chloe looked at Lex, the silence of the room ringing in their ears. She wished that Clark and Lex would just get back together, but she knew Lex was right. When a Luthor couldn't handle your secrets, you knew something had to give. But, from the sound of it, she also thought they might still have a chance. Clark would have to tell his parents the truth if he wanted to be with Lex, but first, she needed to pull Clark out of this depression.

"Go to him, Lex," she said. "Do something. Even if it means that you can only be friends, because I can't watch him like this anymore. He's in love with you and this breakup is tearing him apart, but what he needs most is a friend. And frankly, I'm not the one he's looking for."

Lex picked up the phone a thousand times to call Clark, and hung up a thousand times before dialing the last digit of his phone number. Lex desperately missed his best friend--he felt like all he was doing was working and going out, trying to fill his days and nights with activity so he could avoid the one thing he really wanted to do, the one person he really wanted to be with. He couldn't remember how many times he had thought of some small thing that happened that he would have loved to tell Clark about or seen something that reminded him of his friend.

But every time, he hesitated--because now, Lex was the one who was afraid. He couldn't shake off the image of Clark saying that he was too scared to tell his parents the truth, that he didn't believe Lex loved him. Even though Clark's lies had driven them apart, it was Lex who had finally pushed them over the edge. Even though he hadn't given Clark an ultimatum, he might as well have--Lex had been the one to say that he couldn't live like that anymore. And he wished he could take it all back. And he hated himself for it.

But it was this self-loathing that finally pushed Lex to pick up the phone and call his best friend and former lover. As he heard the line ring, he waited nervously.

"Mr. Luthor?" a voice interrupted.

"Yes?" Lex answered, seeing his assistant in the doorway of his study and promptly hanging up the phone.

"Mr. Kent is here to see you."

"Thank you, Michael," he said calmly. "Please, show him in."

Clark walked through the door, dressed in a suit and tie, his briefcase in his hand. He looked older, more mature, but still the same sweet Clark.

"Hi," Lex said gently.

"Hi," Clark answered, fidgeting slightly.

"I was just about to call you."

"I'm not home."

At Clark's poor joke, Lex smiled, Clark returning it awkwardly. Both relaxed slightly in the tension of the room.

"I have to get to work, but... but I wanted to talk to you," Clark said, glued to the same spot, refusing to move closer to Lex or sit down in the room he had spent so much time in over the years.

"Okay," Lex said simply, waiting for Clark to continue.

Neither Clark's love for Lex nor his desire to be with him had diminished at all and being in this room with him wasn't helping matters. But Clark had followed Lex in the news and knew that he had been seen with countless women at charity balls and business functions. He had seen Lex give press conference after press conference, appearing in the business and society sections of The Planet. Even though Clark knew that Lex was probably putting up a faade, that Lex just couldn't let his work and public life be affected by their breakup, he still let himself believe that Lex had moved on and that there was little chance they could get back together. Besides, Clark didn't know if he was any stronger now than he was when Lex had asked him to tell his parents the truth. He didn't want to disappoint him again.

"I know we've been through a lot and I don't really want to get into it--it's just too hard," Clark started, slowly. "But over the past few months, one of the things I've realized is that no matter what happens between us romantically, I can't bear to not have you as a friend."

"Me neither, Clark," Lex replied quickly, stepping closer to his friend. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Lex. I've felt like a part of me has been missing these past few months," Clark said. He paused, staring at his shoes and wondering if he'd already said too much. He was still in love with Lex, but he felt like that chapter in their relationship had closed. Now, he was only concerned with getting Lex back as a friend. "I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'd like to try to be friends."

"I'd like that, Clark," Lex answered, looking at the man in front of him. At Clark's words, something deep inside Lex finally relaxed. "I'm glad you came by."

"Me too, Lex," Clark said, finally lifting his head to look at Lex and giving him a small smile. "I have to go now. I'll talk to you later."

Clark turned to leave, but before he was out the door, Lex called out to him. "Can I have a hug?"

Clark turned around, surprised to hear such an open request from Lex for some simple affection. He hesitated for just a moment before smiling, putting down his briefcase and tentatively pulling Lex into his arms. At first, they kept their bodies slightly apart, the way people hug when at weddings and other formal functions, afraid that they might wrinkle their clothes if they got too close, but then, they melted into each other, close enough to feel the familiar warmth. Both lingered a moment too long, happy to be friends again, but wistful about times gone by. As Clark felt a lump grow in his throat, he pulled away before he lost control.

"Bye Lex," he said softly as he avoided Lex's gaze, picked up his briefcase and left.

Lex watched him leave and stood alone in his office, finally calling out, "Bye Clark."

Clark and Lex slowly began to spend time with each other again, going to dinner or the movies here and there. They kept their conversation light, their time together casual and brief. Clark had to admit that he was still deeply in love with Lex, but Clark had been the one to fail Lex, Clark had been the one to be dumped, and he was too proud and too scared to wonder if Lex would take him back. Lex still cared for Clark as well and often thought about making a move, doing something to get back together with him, but the reason they had broken up still stood between them like an unspoken barrier. He was just happy to have Clark back in his life and he didn't want to revisit the pain of what had ended their relationship in the first place.

The hardest moments were when Clark and Lex would simply hang out together at the penthouse or at Clark's new apartment, watching TV, lazing about on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. They weren't talking about anything in particular or even talking at all, but those were the moments that felt the most familiar, that were most charged with a sexual energy. They often found themselves sitting a little too close to each other, letting friendly touches linger a little too long, holding each other's gazes a little too intensely. It was much like those flirtatious moments back in Smallville, back when Clark was too young and too straight to be with Lex, but now those moments were colored by intimate, bittersweet memories. Those were the moments where one of them would suddenly remember they had an appointment, somewhere else to be, something else to do, something other than torturing themselves with these longings.

The holidays came and went, the new year rolled in. As Valentine's Day neared, both Clark and Lex pointedly avoided the topic, but ended up hanging out the day after, eating a light dinner in front of the television, channel flipping into the night. As midnight neared, Clark stood up, stretching his long legs and got ready to go.

"I should be going. It's getting late and I have to get up early for work."

"Lois still working you hard?" Lex asked, standing up himself and walking Clark to the door.

"Yeah. Now I see where Chloe gets her energy. It runs in the family."

Lex smiled and approached Clark for a quick hug goodbye. After that first time in his study, Clark and Lex had grown more comfortable showing each other a little friendly affection--perhaps a half-hearted attempt at the physical closeness they really longed for.

"I forgot to tell you, `Happy Valentine's Day,'" Lex said as he let go of Clark, but still standing a little too close to his friend. "And that I'm glad that we're still friends."

"Me too, Lex," Clark replied, doing everything to keep from simply leaning in for a kiss. He smiled slightly and turned to head home.

To be continued...