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Komaeda stared at the mirror. His exhausted face stared right back at him, already knowing that his sense of self would be chipped away just a little more from the observations he was about to make.
He had just stepped out of the shower, so a humid fog still hung over him. It clouded the mirror as well, which was beginning to feel more and more like a mercy. In the reflection under the blurred and dewy glass, Komaeda could still make out every single imperfection that he never could bear to forget. Deep bags visibly hung under his eyes, the makeup that usually obscured them having been scrubbed off in the shower. Pieces of scraggly, white hair sprung out in several directions.
It was when Komaeda’s eyes drifted down to his body that he knew he was going to get the image seared into his mind. Jutting scars slashed down his pale skin, and a burn wound spread out against his left hip. Thin, closed lines formed misshapen ladders down his skinny wrists, ending at a hand with bitten nails and torn cuticles and a misshapen, fleshy stump.
Worst of all was his stomach area. Every day it seemed like his stomach protruded just a bit more from his abdomen. The sight of it every morning as he got ready almost made him too ill to eat the mandated healthy breakfast that both Hanamura and Hinata had instituted.
There was no room for sugarcoating or denial. He was absolutely, irrevocably, hideous.
A faint knock snatched him out from the depths of self-hatred. He heard Hinata’s muffled voice call from the front door. “Hey, Ko! I’m back! Can I come in?”
“Ah! Hinata-kun! I’m coming! Just give me a minute!” Komaeda exited the bathroom and dashed over to the closet. He threw on his boxers and an oversized shirt.
Komaeda opened the door to find Hinata standing awkwardly. Hinata perked up at the sound of the door, only to narrow his eyes and stare at Komaeda’s shirt.
Hinata flicked his eyes up and said deadpan, “...So that’s where my favorite t-shirt went.”
Komaeda couldn’t help but chuckle at Hinata’s mock-offended glare that he shot as he walked over to the bed. He noticed that Hajime didn’t bother to take off his worn, stretched out shirt. Unusual for him, as the other’s body temperature usually ran hot.
Komaeda joined him in the bed soon after, flipping the covers over them both. Despite how much he wanted to wrap his arms around the other and melt into his protective embrace, he knew that Hinata would immediately notice the slightest difference in physique. So he was as far away from Hinata as he could get without being suspicious.
They laid there for a bit, talking about both everything and nothing. Komaeda had a laugh over the shenanigans that the other islanders somehow managed to get themselves into while Hajime told each story from the day with a dramatic helping of exasperation.
During a longer beat of silence, Komaeda let his eyes flutter shut for just a moment.
Only to snap them open as he felt Hinata’s arms snake around his midsection. He let out an undignified yelp and shoved the other away. Komaeda scooted farther to the edge of the bed, his breath coming in short bursts as he hugged his arms.
“Oh, shit, sorry,” came Hinata’s rushed apology as sat up, “Should’ve asked if it was okay to touch you-”
“It’s okay! Really!” Komaeda assured, maybe a bit too quickly, “You didn’t do anything wrong! I’m just….uh….”
Hinata’s eyebrows knitted. “Is it something else?”
“No, no, Hinata-kun! It’s nothing!” Komaeda laughed quietly. “I just wanted to save you from the disgust of having to touch my disgusting form…”
“Komaeda, you’re not disgusting. What brought this on?”
He wanted to dodge the question, he really did, but Hinata’s genuine and worried expression slowly melted his candle wax walls.
He dug his nails into the skin of his arms. “I…I just think…I know that you deserve better…”
“What do you mean?”
Komaeda took in a shaky breath, his arms beginning to shake. “You deserve to be with someone…pretty…”
Hajime’s frown grew. “Komaeda…”
“My body is worse than trash.” he began to tug roughly at his hair, everything spilling out. “I’m a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’ve been torn up and marred more times than I can count. I can never escape anything that’s happened because it will always be there. I might as well be long dead from how I look, from my face to my horrible skinny arm and fleshy stump and greasy hair and hands and eyes and-”
“Komaeda.” He could dimly feel Hinata’s hands detangling his hands from his tresses as he fought against him, but the sound in his head was deafening
“I’m sorry!” Komaeda finally croaked out. “I’m sorry that you feel forced to look at me! I know that I’m a d-disgusting, vile, worthless pile of useless flesh that p-people are right to hate and i-ignore and-”
“ Komaeda! Look at me.”
He didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to. But he felt fingers under his chin, gently lifting his gaze to meet the other’s. He hated the pity in Hinata’s eyes.
“Am I ugly, Hinata-kun?” he whispered, dreading the answer.
Hinata was silent for a moment. Komaeda’s heart plummeted, and he braced himself for Hinata to finally cave and tell the truth.
Instead, Hinata leaned forward and placed his calloused hands on Komaeda’s bony shoulders, rubbing his thumbs across the skin soothingly. He looked him directly in the eyes. “Ko, I don’t think that you’re ugly. I don’t think I ever could. As long as you’re still my Komaeda, I wouldn't change anything about you.”
Hinata’s face flushed slightly in the moonlight. “Uh…In fact you’re actually the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”
Komaeda laughed bitterly. “You should probably get your eyes checked, Hinata-kun.
Hinata tapped his forehead, smirking. “I got ultimate eyesight up here, bud. And I know what I see.”
Komaeda raised an eyebrow.
Hinata chuckled. “Alright, I can see you don’t believe me. Would you mind if I showed you?”
Komaeda thought for a second, and nodded, if from nothing more than pure curiosity. Hinata smiled. He gently tugged at Komaeda until they had readjusted their positions. Komaeda’s head and shoulders were now leaned against the headboard, cushioned by a pillow. Hinata kneeled on the bed, looking down at him. Komaeda felt vulnerable and exposed as the other’s gaze seemed to bore into him.
Hinata closed his eyes then leaned down toward his face until he was inches away. “You know…” Hinata began softly, his breath tickling Komaeda’s face. “I think SHSL Lucky Student was the wrong title to give you. It should’ve been SHSL Pretty Face.”
Komaeda knew his confusion showed on his face. “Hinata-kun wh- ah !”
He yelped as Hinata planted a featherlight kiss on his nose. “You’ve got the cutest nose, you know.”
“Um-” Komaeda’s weak protest was once again interrupted, this time by a kiss at the far corners near both of his eyes.
“I love your pale eyelashes. I think they’re so cool…and so pretty. Like an angels.” Hinata showered his face with soft kisses after every confession. “And I know that you’re always worried about how your eyes look, but they’re as beautiful as the rest of you.”
Everything Komaeda tried to say turned into a pitiful squeak as Hinata’s lips grazed his face. He let out a pleased sigh as Hinata threaded his fingers into his hair. He gently played with it, still whispering heartrendingly sincere compliments.
Hinata’s fingers then travelled to Komaeda’s hand. He began to lay kisses from the tips of his fingers to the lines on his wrist. “I know you say that you think that your scars here show that you’re weak. I think that’s bullshit. All these scars are healed. You haven’t hurt yourself in months. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.”
Komaeda felt tears prick at his eyes as each phrase washed over him. He had to be lying about all this. There was no way he meant any of the things he said. He was just being kind, considerate Hinata-kun….
…Right?
Hinata’s lips drew away from his wrist, Komaeda whimpering at the loss. His eyes flicked over to him. After some visible hesitation, he asked “Could you take off your shirt for me? Well, I guess it’d be my shirt…”
Komaeda’s eyes widened in surprise, and a little fear. “What-?”
“I-It’s not for anything weird, I promise!” Hinata was almost comically perturbed, waving his hands around. “I’ll be gentle too!”
Komaeda drew his arms around his abdomen, wishing to shrink in on himself until he disappeared. Then Hinata would never have the pristine mental image that he certainly had of Komaeda destroyed. “You don’t want to do that, Hinata-kun…”
Hinata looked at Komaeda, deep in thought. His gaze softened, a gentle determination hiding behind it. “Please?”
Komaeda’s breath hitched. He mulled his options over in his head, trying to think as rationally as he could. Hinata-kun would never hurt him, he knew that. He wouldn’t call him disgusting and toss him aside. That was just not like him.
“...Okay.”
“Alright.” Hinata grabbed the bottom hem of the oversized t-shirt. He suddenly stopped, flushing dark as if he had just realized what he was doing. Komada couldn’t help but giggle at how adorable he was, which earned him an embarrassed glare.
After a bit of awkward fumbling, they both managed to pull Komaeda’s shirt over his shoulders. As soon as Komaeda felt the cool air bite his skin, he curled his arms protectively around himself once again, his face burning with shame.
He felt Hinata’s warm hands on his wrists. Komaeda hesitantly looked up. Hinata was smiling so gently that it made his heart hurt.
“It’ll be okay, I promise.” Hinata said softly, “Please let me see you.”
Komaeda willed himself to relax. Breathe in and out…In and out…
After about half a minute of repeating that mantra, he managed to unstick his arms from his chest and abdomen. Komaeda trembled as Hinata’s gaze flicked over him. Every scar, burn, and imperfection was on full display now. He waited for Hinata to scrunch up his face in disgust or for his gorgeous, mismatched eyes to run cold with disdain. Komaeda knew that witnessing his beloved’s hatred would leave his heart shattered beyond repair. So, he kept his eyes tightly shut.
He heard Hinata speak from above him. “Ko?”
He shook his head, his breaths wobbly and quick as he lost himself in his own mind.
“....Nagito? Please look at me.”
The usage of his given name shocked Komaeda out of his personal hellscape. He hesitantly opened his eyes only to be completely floored by the sheer amount of pure and unadulterated adoration in Hinata’s eyes.
“Beautiful.” Hinata hesitantly placed his hands over Komaeda’s body, soon lowering them to meet his flushed skin. “Ko, you’re just…God. I love you.”
Hinata’s hand brushed over the scar at his hip, eliciting a sharp inhale. Hinata stopped, worried, only for Komaeda to nod for him to continue. The sensation was…strange. It was not uncomfortable, but each gentle, loving touch sent sparks coursing through his body and brought more heat to his face. He got dizzy from the gentle way Hinata next ran his hands across his shoulders and down his chest.
Komaeda’s brain short-circuited completely as he felt the ghost of a kiss on his collarbone. He must have made a noise akin to a malfunctioning printer because Hinata quickly drew back, concerned. Komaeda couldn’t imagine how he looked right now. Blushed all over, his heart pittering at 100 miles a minute. Absolutely wrecked from just a few acts of affection.
Hinata’s gaze flicked down to his stomach and stayed there for much longer than he wanted. Komaeda tensed up, looking away. Hinata was staring so intently at his bulging abdomen. So, this was it…This is where he realizes that I’m-
Komaeda’s thought process ground to a halt as he felt Hajime’s lips on his stomach. Hinata leaned back up, looking excited. “You’re healthy! Well…maybe not healthy healthy but getting there!”
Hinata met his gaze with a grin. “I’m so proud of you, Komaeda!”
He rolled the words over in his mind. What? How……why?
“You don’t…” Komaeda swallowed. “You don’t think it’s disgusting?”
Hinata looked almost offended. “What? Why would I think that! I think you look better than ever!”
Okay, now Hinata had officially lost it. “Hinata-kun…” Komaeda said slowly. “I’ve gained weight. How could that possibly make me look better? That’s not how it works-”
“Yes it is, if I have anything to say about it.” Hinata said firmly. “I don’t know who told you that but they’re dead wrong.”
“ Huh? ” Komaeda spluttered for a bit. “You should be disgusted! Appalled! Repul- mmf- ”
Hinata clapped a hand over his mouth. “Ah ah ah,” he chided, “I’m not going to have any of that. Now, I’m being completely honest when I tell you this. I don’t care what your body looks like, feels like, or weighs. You’re you and that’s all that matters. In fact, I’m ecstatic that you’ve been gaining weight!”
“ Mmphf??”
Hinata’s voice softened as he lifted his hand from his mouth. “Let me finish.” After Komaeda's confused nod, he continued. “I know how hard you’ve had to work to be able to stomach a good amount of food again. I know how often your brain tells you that you’re disgusting for taking care of yourself. So, I couldn’t be prouder to see you push back against that and commit to at least make an effort to be healthier.”
Hinata frowned. “I…It was hard to see you so sick, you know. I hated it. I hated seeing you hurt yourself from the belief that you were nothing. I wanted nothing more than to tell you that you deserved the world until you believed it. That was a really dark time for you, Ko, so seeing you like this…”
Hinata pressed his hand against Komaeda’s, intertwining their fingers. Hinata’s eyes were misting over, but his smile was as bright as the summer sun. “It…it really does make me happy.”
Komaeda’s eyesight blurred as he stared reverently up at his loving, gentle, amazing Hinata-kun. He wanted so badly to sink back into the depths of his self-hatred, but the words “ loved” and “ beautiful” cancelled out every insult that his mind spat out at him. Once again, Hinata knew exactly how to silence every voice, leaving only the truth that had been gently calling out to him.
Komaeda let out a pathetic whimper then sprang up, forcing Hinata onto his rear. He took his place in his lap and wrapped thin arms and legs around Hinata, burying his face in his warm shoulder. Hinata shushed him, whispering sweet nothings as he bounced him up and down. Komaeda choked on his own voice, too overcome to say a word in reply.
Komaeda’s breath evened out over the course of a few minutes, but he still remained in Hinata’s embrace. He knew he should have been feeling horribly self-conscious about every part of his body pressed against Hinata, and he still was a little, but his head was mostly quiet. For the first time in a long time, the raging storm in him was still as a gentle summer breeze.
He pulled away from Hinata’s shoulder and bumped his forehead against the other’s, smiling softly. “Thank you.”
Hinata returned it. “Anytime. I love you.”
“Love you too….More than anything.”
Hinata flushed at Komaeda’s gooey expression, scratching the nape of his neck. “Yeah, uh…me too.”
Hinata’s adorably shy face contorted into a yawn. “Hey, bud. How ‘bout we sleep now. I’ve had a long day.”
“Of course. Whatever my perfect Hinata-kun wants!”
Hinata’s cheeks grew even hotter. He fell face forwards onto his pillow, his voice muffled by the fabric. “Oh my God. How can you say stuff like that?”
Komaeda giggled. He laid down as well, facing towards Hinata. “Weren’t you just doing the same to me?”
“...That’s different.”
Hinata kept pouting even as Komaeda stroked his chestnut hair. His gaze lowered down to the shirt that Hinata was wearing. “Hey, I was wondering earlier. Why are you wearing a shirt? You’re usually really hot when sleeping, especially in the summer.”
Hinata tensed up, going still. “Uh…I’m feeling a little chilly.”
“Hinata-kun, you know I’m not going to buy that.” Komeda reached out and cupped Hinata’s face. “Look at me, please.”
Hinata’s timid gaze met his own after a few deep breaths. Komaeda smiled reassuringly. “No matter what the voices in your head tell you , you are and always will be a man. I love you for who you are, not what you were born with.”
Hinata breathed a shaky sigh of relief, pulling Komaeda close. “No fair. You know me too well.”
“I can’t have Hinata-kun feeling bad about his handsome self after trying to help me!” Komaeda sulked.
“Alright, alright fine! You win!” Hinata pulled away, looking into his eyes. “Now, for real, I’ve gotta sleep. I’m fucking exhausted. ”
“Okay, okay!”
Only about a minute later, Hinata was out like a light, his limbs splayed over Komaeda in a way that would surely leave them sore in the morning. Komaeda placed one last, lazy kiss on the other’s nose, then joined him in deep, peaceful sleep.