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"So I normally wouldn't ask," Erin said, clutching her cup of tea as she watched Paul head back towards the rectory. Grace was hanging her keys by the door and going to pour herself her own cup of tea to warm her hands from the chill of midwinter Crockett Island. "But you're my best friend, and you're dating the priest, which is so not normal."
"Spit it out, Er," Grace laughed as she stirred a spoonful of sugar into her tea.
"It's not just like... three minutes of disappointing missionary where he gets to finish and you don't, is it?"
Grace nearly choked on her drink, turning to see her friend smiling. "Well, uh, we actually haven't -"
"Really?" Somehow this surprised her even more. "You haven't taken a bite of that holy piece of - you really haven't? You've been together for months now."
"Really," Grace nodded, leaning on the kitchen counter. "He has his vows. He's coming to terms with possibly breaking them, but he already doubts whether the two of us seeing each other at all is right, so... I'm not going to push anything. I'm not going to make him do anything eh isn't absolutely ready for. Even if he decides he never wants to break them, that's okay," she confessed. "I'd rather never sleep with him and be able to keep him in my life than do it once and have him leave because he regrets breaking his vows."
"You really love him that much?" Erin asked, raising an eyebrow. "Wow."
"I do. He's... he's so good, Er. He's so good. He's sweet and he's gentle and he's... he's the best man I've ever met. He feels perfectly safe and perfectly... perfect. He makes me incredibly happy." She couldn't help but smile just at the thought of him.
"Well have you... Have you at least kissed him?"
"He's a good kisser," Grace said, taking another sip of her tea. "Very good."
"You're a very good kisser, Father," Grace smiled, winding her hands into his hair.
Paul hummed a little underneath her, fully occupied by staring up at her in the low light of the rectory. They'd lit a fire to keep out the chill, and one kiss had turned into two, and then he'd gently pulled her closer, Grace moving to straddle his lap. And now here he was, cautiously parting her lips with his tongue. "Mmm, you're even better," he murmured, closing his eyes as she leaned in again. He groaned as she pulled his hair a little, Paul realizing he was going to have to fight the urge to do more.
There was a hunger in his normally soft brown eyes, a hunger that she’d see right before he was about to pull away and say that they should stop. But this time he didn’t. He kept kissing her, placing his hands gently on her waist, bunching up the fabric of her shirt, running his thumps over her hip bones. “Would you like me to take this off?” she whispered, Paul nodding slightly.
“Please?” She day back just enough to shrug it over her head, Paul staring in awe. Running her finger over his collar, Grace raised an eyebrow. He nodded, so she took it off and placed it on the seat next to them. She began to undo his buttons, Paul continuing to stare at her like he was staring at a work of art. “Can - Can I touch you? Oh!” He’d jumped a little at the feeling of her fingers on his skin, glancing down to see that she’d undone all of his buttons.
“Sure. Do you want me to show you how?” she asked kindly, Paul nodding in response. She gently helped him shrug his shirt off before taking one of his hands and raising it to her chest.
He could feel her breathing as the lace under his fingers rose and fell. “I, uh…”
“D’you want me to take this off too, or do you think that would be too much?”
Please take it off. I want to see you, I want to touch you, I want you to know how beautiful you are. “Y-you should probably leave it on.” He delicately placed his hands on her shoulders, delicately running his fingers down her arms until she caught him.
Grace smiled at how pink his cheeks had grown. “Can I kiss you again?”
“Please.” He brought his hands back to her shoulders as she leaned in to kiss him, winding her hands into his hair again. Every little tug made him whimper, but he loved it. He was in Heaven with her above him, his perfect miracle, his perfect angel, his perfect Grace guiding him closer and closer to his own personal Eden.
He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, Paul groaning as she shifted in his lap a little. But suddenly her moving ever so slightly, her pulling his hair and running her fingers down his chest, the intoxicating power of her kissing him, it was all too much. He knew a second before it happened, but he couldn’t stop himself. He moaned a little too loudly, Grace slowly pulling back. She knew. He knew she knew, and as she reached down and felt the growing wet spot in his jeans, he turned as scarlet as the chasuble he had hanging in the vestry. “Did you… just from kissing?”
“I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I - I’m sorry. It’s been a really long time. I didn’t know… I didn’t think I’d… I’m sorry.” He wanted to tear his eyes away from hers, but then he’d be staring at her chest and he’d feel even worse. “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly as tears began to blur his vision. “I-I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, Paul, no,” Grace said immediately, putting her hand to his cheek. “It’s okay. It’s okay, I promise. Hey,” she paused to kiss him softly, “I’m glad I can make you feel that good so easily.” She felt so bad for him. She knew how embarrassed he was, how much this had hurt him, how afraid he was of disappointing her. It would've been a little endearing if it hadn't made him so sad. "It's okay. We - we can work on it."
“I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be that easy, it’s just… it’s you and I haven’t… I haven’t done anything like this - anything at all - with anyone in decades and… you’re so… you’re perfect and I can’t believe I get to kiss you and I got too… I’m sorry, Gracie.” He closed his eyes, not being able to bear looking at the pure compassion in her eyes. “You didn’t even get to… you should be able to feel that good. How can I make you feel that good?” The question was strangled, desperate, one last hope that she wouldn't be angry or disappointed or a whole range of emotions that he never wanted to cause.
She ran her hand through his hair, trying to calm him down. “I can think of a way that doesn’t involve breaking your vows.” He opened his eyes again, suddenly curious. He watched as she carefully moved to straddle his right leg. “May I?”
“Yes. Whatever you need,” he said, watching as she slowly began to grind her hips against him. She leaned on him a little, trying to keep her balance. The first time she groaned in his ear, he slowly reached up and unclasped her bra, raising his hands to her chest and starting to massage her breasts. He hoped he was doing something right. The little noises she made only encouraged him more.
"Can - can you move a little?" she breathed, slowing down a little as she kissed him again. "Just a little."
He started to gently bounce his leg as he trained a line of kisses down her neck, pulling her closer so he could take one of her nipples in his mouth. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, but her little noises of pleasure guided him well enough. She whimpered with every careful swirl of his tongue and delicate brush of his lips, as they moved together and she held onto him like he was the only solid thing in the world. She soon moaned into his ear, squeezing her legs around his as he continued to move, pulling her in for a kiss as she cried out for him. “Keep going, my beautiful miracle,” he whispered, planting a bunch of sloppy kisses on her jaw. “Get every last second of it you can.”
She moaned into his ear again, her grip on his shoulder slowly loosening. Eventually she sighed, both of them relaxing into a soft kiss. “I - Paul… that was… amazing,” she sighed, slowly moving off of him. She glanced at the leg of his jeans, both of them smiling at the wet spot where she had just been. “Sorry about that.”
“Looks like we’re both going to have to do laundry,” he smiled, pulling her to his chest as they both tried to lay down on the cramped sofa. “And I definitely need a shower.”
“Me too, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk for a little while,” Grace laughed, reaching up to kiss him again.
He quirked an eyebrow in a gesture that never failed to make her smile. “I’m that good, huh?”
“You’re perfect. Even if you want to keep your vows forever… this is way more than good enough for me.” She laid her head back on his chest, listening to his steady breath and the heartbeat that was still faster than normal, still fueled by the adrenaline and dopamine rush of what they’d just done.
Paul smiled to himself as he kissed the top of her head. He’d been worried about that for a while, worried that she’d leave him the longer he held onto his vows, the longer he wavered between her and the promises he’d made to the church. “You’re perfect,” he whispered. “Stay here tonight?”
“I’d love to. Once I get a shower and some clean clothes.”
As soon as Grace emerged from the bathroom and went to throw everything into the dryer, Paul appeared behind her, wrapping his arms around her so she couldn't go far. “Are you really going to be okay with it if I never want to break my vows?”
“Of course I am,” she said, turning around so she could look at him. “First of all, tonight was fantastic. We can find ways to be… creative so you’re not breaking your vows but we can still make each other feel that good. And second, you being comfortable is so much more important than anything. I care about you so much.” Grace pushed the hair out of his face, her hand coming to rest on his cheek. She knew he loved it, the comforting feeling of being held so softly and being able to lean into her touch. “I care about you so much, and I don’t ever want to force you to do anything you’re not ready for or you don’t feel like doing. But I care about you so much, and I want to keep you in my life because you make me so incredibly happy. So I’ll wait. And if you decide you never want to break your vows, I’ll still be here. I know you’d do the same for me.”
“How did I get so lucky?” Paul smiled, leaning in to give her a kiss. He pulled back, but he didn't move very far, their noses nearly touching as he talked. “That’s how I know you’re my miracle. And because you make every day brighter.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. And I’m so, so thankful that I get to call you mine.”
“Forever and always,” she promised, kissing him softly.
“Forever and always,” Paul repeated as they walked towards his bedroom, settling in amongst the pillows and blankets. He sighed deeply as he pulled her to him so they could settle in the for the night. Something about the darkness emboldened him. Maybe it was how clearly she loved him. Maybe it was the anonymity of the night. Maybe it was everything still weighing on him. “You do know that if I ever do break my vows… I’m probably not going to be very good.”
“That’s okay. You’ll learn,” she yawned. "Besides, we can take our time."
He stared up at the ceiling, the same ceiling he'd stared at when he was trying to push away the dreams, the fantasies about her that crept into his mind when he was alone at night, before they'd started spending every night together. And even now, when she was at work and he found himself too tempted, unable to push the visions of her from his mind. “I’m probably going to ask you to tell me what to do.”
“It’s okay, Paul -“
“No, I… I want you to tell me what to do," he stuttered. "I... I want you to..."
“Oh,” she smiled a little, “okay.”
Somehow he'd found himself confessing so much so quickly. “And I probably won’t last that long.”
“Okay. We can work on that.”
"I'm sorry if it's... not good for you."
Grace smiled at him in the dark, knowing how worried he was about all of this. It wasn't just the guilt that weighed on him. It was the possibility of wanting so much, of knowing he wanted to make her feel as good as she made him feel, and the possibility of not living up to it. "It's okay," she promised. "We'll be together. I get to be with you, we get to do it together, we get to figure things out together. It'll be okay. I'll love you no matter what."
“How are you not disappointed by any of this?” he finally had to ask.
“Because I love you. And I know it’s been a really long time and you don’t have that much experience,” she said softly, “but I also know you want to make me happy. So I know you’ll listen to what I want and to what I tell you to do. And if it’s over fast, it’s over fast. We can always try again later. We try things out, we see what you like and what you don’t. It’s all about being together, learning about ourselves and each other, it’s all about you and me. So if it’s not great the first time, that’s fine, because I know you love me and I know you’re trying your best. It just takes practice, and I have a sneaking suspicion practicing with you would be fun regardless. And besides, we can always be a little creative like we were tonight, so we both get to finish no matter what. I love you, and that's what matters. We can take our time figuring out all the rest.”
Paul was silent for a moment, his face buried in her hair as he quietly asked, “What if there’s something… What if there’s something I might want you to do to me?”
“We can start with the basics and go from there,” Grace offered. “As long as we talk about it, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
“What if -“
“Paul, we don’t have to worry about it all right now,” she yawned again, pulling the blankets a little tighter around them. “We can take our time and figure it all out together. But for now, I want to be happy with what we did tonight. I want to be happy here with you. I love falling asleep in your arms. I’d like to just be here and be happy with you and not worry about all of that just yet. We have the rest of our lives to figure things out.”
"Okay," he sighed, holding her close. "I love you, Gracie." He closed his eyes, still wondering if she'd end up being disappointed. She loved him, he knew, but would that be enough? Would it be enough to get through what he knew would be an awkward first time, where he'd have to keep asking her what she wanted him to do? Much later he'd find out that yes, it was more than enough, and that it was relatively easy to catch on to what he was supposed to be doing. He wasn't that hopeless after all. But tonight, he lay there holding her, wondering if he'd ever be enough. After all, he already had a lot of strikes against him. He was ancient in a young body. He hadn't done this very often, and he really hadn't fallen so desperately in love that often. But he loved her, and he prayed that that would be enough.
"I love you too, Paul." Grace closed her eyes, smiling to herself. No matter what, she knew she'd love him. What was it he always said? Love is patient, love is kind... And she knew she loved him so much, she could be so patient while he learned. Even if he needed a little teaching, she'd be happy to do it. She'd be happy to be with him, happy to love him in so many different ways. "Forever and always and no matter what."
Paul smiled a little. It's her. Of course she'll be patient. She's been so patient already as you figure out how far you want to take your vows. She's been so patient as you agonized over holding her hand or kissing her or anything else. She's an angel. Of course she'll be okay with whatever happens. She loves you. She loves you so much. "Forever and always and no matter what."