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Friday. Paul had agonized over it for weeks after he and Grace had talked about breaking his vows. On Sunday after Mass, he told her to plan for Friday. It had been long enough. He didn't want to wait any longer. And Friday would let them sleep in afterwards.
On Monday morning it felt like Friday was forever in the future. By Wednesday he found himself a little anxious, watching her every move and wondering if he'd be good enough for her. On Thursday he decided to do some research while she was at work. He discovered a dizzying array of positions and advice that made him even more anxious, and was afraid he'd download a computer virus from some of the sites he visited. By Friday morning he felt like he was going to be sick. And then Grace came over, and she was her usual self, and he was falling apart. "What's wrong?" They'd taken over their usual spots on the uncomfortable sofa, exchanging a couple of feverish kisses before Grace moved to straddle his lap. But she suddenly pulled back, sensing something was off because of how much he was shaking just trying to kiss her. "Paul, honey, are you okay?"
Everything's wrong. I don't know what I'm doing. There's so much more to it than I thought. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to be bad at this, and I know I'm going to be bad at this. "I - I, uh..." He couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence, just looking at her sadly. "Can we, uh, can we wait... a little longer?" he finally squeaked, Grace's worry softening into a smile. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay," she said, planting a kiss on his cheek. "D'you want to watch a movie instead?"
"Uh, yeah... Wait, how are you okay with this?"
She smiled a little more, moving to sit beside him and run her hand through his hair. "Something like this isn't exactly something you plan for. No matter when it happens, I know you're going to be nervous, but we can wait as long as you want," she assured him. "It's okay."
"I love you," Paul sighed, pulling her close.
"I love you too. And I'll love you no matter what."
He swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. Even if I'm not as good as you hope I am? Even if I have no clue what I'm doing? Even if it feels good for me and not for you? “Sometimes people say that but then…”
“No," Grace promised, looking up at him with pure adoration in her eyes. "I love you so much, Paul. Forever and always. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. It’ll be okay. No matter what, I’m still going to love you the same. I know you’d do the same for me.”
Grace didn't press anything as Paul kept struggling with how anxious he knew he was going to be. She never brought it up at all, but he still thought about it all the time. It had been years - decades - since he'd done anything with anyone, and this... he didn't want to mess up. He didn't want to hurt her. He wanted it to feel good for her, and he had to admit to himself that he only had a vague notion of what he was doing. So when they were curled up together in the rectory one night, and he leaned in to kiss her, and one kiss turned into two, which turned into something slower and deeper than the others, he knew it was time. It felt right, and the longer he waited, the more anxious he was going to be. Grace moaned a little as he parted her lips with his tongue and pulled her onto his lap in one fluid motion, knowing that he was probably at least willing to go a little further than they had before.
It wasn't long before she reached for his collar, asking, "Can I take this off, Father?"
"Please." She slowly bent down a little, removing it with her teeth as she unbuttoned his shirt. Paul held his breath, not daring to blink. "May I?"
She set the collar aside as he helped her out of her own shirt. "You are… extremely hot for a priest," Grace whispered, moving to kiss him again. He hummed in response as she wound one hand into his hair again, letting the other wander down his chest. She pulled his hair just a little as she moved, Paul moaning lightly. And then she began to run her fingers up and down his thigh, and all doubt was gone. Tonight. This is going to happen tonight. I want it. Shit, I need it. I need her. Fuck, this feels so good. He moaned into the kiss as she moved, starting to caress the growing bulge in his jeans. More than anything he wanted to buck his hips into her hand, but he restrained himself. She smiled as she noticed a small wet spot in the denim, breaking apart from him for a moment. "Would you like to do something about that, Father?"
"Please. But not here," he said, gently helping her stand and leading her back to the bedroom. As soon as the door was closed, reality began to hit him. It was dark, but he could feel his face burning at the thought of what they were about to do. What if I'm awful at this? Two minutes of disappointing - what did the Internet call it? Missionary? What if that's it? She's going to hate me.
Grace could tell he was worried. She could always tell when something was wrong. She kissed him gently, running her fingers down his chest and coming to rest on his belt. He nodded, watching as she carefully removed it. The ache to buck his hips into her hand only got worse as she slowly undid the button, and then the zipper, and then slipped her hand into his jeans. "Hmm, you're so hard, Father," she breathed as she kissed him again. Paul whimpered as she squeezed a little, fighting to speak without moaning. "You feel so good already."
He was doing all he could to keep himself from moaning again. "All because of you," he managed, reaching for his belt loops. He shed his jeans as Grace shed hers. He looked back at her, suddenly conscious of the fact that they were both in their underwear. "You're beautiful," he whispered as she moved to kiss him again, pressing her entire body against his. "Oh God."
"Careful, Father," she smiled slyly. "I think that's a sin. Blasphemy, right?"
"Gracie, I..." He looked absolutely petrified, even in the dark. He couldn't stop worrying, he couldn't stop thinking that he was going to disappoint her, that he was going to do something wrong. You're going to be awful. She's going to hate it. She'd going to hate you. Who wants to be with a priest who can finish just from kissing? He couldn't stop thinking of what had embarrassed him for so long. Grace hadn't mentioned It since, but he knew she'd thought about it when they were talking about him breaking his vows. He knew he'd disappoint her. After all, he'd been able to finish just from kissing her, just from having her body pressed against his. How was he going to survive this and make any of it worth it for her? He felt like he was going to evaporate on the spot. It's a miracle you've made it this far. It's a miracle she still wants you at all.
"Should we talk about it first?" she asked softly.
He nodded, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. She felt so good in his hands, so good pressed against him. He knew he wanted this. But the "how" was going to be the issue. "C-can we?"
"Mhm. But first, help me with this." She took his right hand in her own, placing it on the clasp of her bra. "Please?" He obeyed, staring in awe of the angel in front of him. He must have been visibly gaping as she stepped out of her underwear, because she smiled at him, resting her hands on his hips as she reached up to kiss him. "Like what you see?"
"You're perfect." He felt like he was going to throw up for sure, but he stepped out of his own underwear, allowing Grace to lead him to the bed. She can see you. Shit, she can see all of you. She's not laughing. That's a good thing. The church made this quilt. What would they think if they knew how you were going to desecrate it? They sat in the middle, Grace holding his hand as he asked a fearful, "Can you tell me... what you want? What you want me to do, I mean? I - I know the basics, but I... Millie and I never... It was practically an accident, and then it was all over so fast and I... I don't want to hurt you. And I want it to feel good for you and sometimes I know it doesn't and..." Help.
"You won't hurt me," she assured him, watching the fear in his eyes as he kept them locked to her own. "So first you're going to let me kiss you, because I love kissing you. And then you'll slowly lay me down and..." She parted her legs a little, Paul watching as she guided her hand - and his - between them. "Feel that? You're going to do something just like that, either with your hands or your tongue, whatever you want. And feel this right here?" He nodded, staring at his hand. "Focus on that little spot right there, okay? Not all the time, but that's what feels the best." It felt good already, but she wasn't about to tell him that. Better not overwhelm him. He had a lot to learn, and tonight she had to patiently teach him.
"You're... really wet." He blushed at the words, finally looking up to meet her eye.
"All for you, Father." He turned even more scarlet in the darkness. "All because of you."
Curiosity got the better of him. He raised his hand to his lips, his eyes widening a little. "You, uh... you taste good."
"I'm sure you do too," Grace smiled, reaching to hold his hand again. His stomach lurched at the thought, at the image of her between his legs that floated into his mind. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't fantasized about it before, during some of the empty hours when she was gone and he was left alone with his thoughts. "You'll do that for a little while and... you'll know when it's time to stop, but that'll help me when it's time for what's next." He nodded again, intent on learning. "May I?" She'd placed her hand on his thigh, moving slowly upwards.
"P-Please." Fuck, this feels so good already. Oh God. Oh fuck. Please keep touching me. There. And there. And - oh fuck, there.
As soon as she touched him he was tempted to moan again. It felt so right, so good, so perfect. And this was barely the beginning. "I'll line you up, and then you can push in as slowly as you want. Take your time to get used to it. You can wait a minute or two, and then just slowly move in and out," she said, beginning to stroke him lightly. "Not all the way out, but you can get close. And then you can speed up a little if you want."
He nodded, still staring at her hand, at how she was moving. It felt incredible. He'd done it before himself, imagining it was her. And now it was her, and it was even better. But he didn't want to look up at her, because he knew he'd blush again the second he met her eye. "And... and then?"
"You'll feel it. You'll know when you're about to finish. Just let me know, and then let it happen."
"In-Inside?" He knew enough to know that wasn't the best of ideas, not just yet. "Are you sure?"
Grace leaned over, fishing something from the bedside table. "You know what condoms are, right?" He nodded, holding his breath as she unwrapped one and rolled it onto him. Even that, even the slightest touch, still felt good. "There. I'll show you how to take it off when we're done."
"Gracie?" he asked tentatively.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you." Thank you for doing this with me. Thank you for walking me through it. Thank you for being you.
She smiled, moving as close as she could before she kissed him. "Of course. I love you. And if you ever want to stop, or just take a second, let me know, and we can stop, okay?"
"Okay." He pulled her in for another kiss, Grace winding her hands into his hair as he gently laid her down on the pillows behind her. "I love you," he whispered as he trailed a line of kisses down her jaw, down her neck, down her chest, until he stopped to take one of her nipples in his mouth. He did exactly what he'd done before, enjoying the little noises of pleasure she was making as she pulled his hair and spread her legs for him. He continued on, down her stomach and then trailing a line of kisses up her thigh. And then he paused, closing his eyes for the briefest second. "Bless me Father, for I am about to sin," he mumbled, his warm breath making her pray that he'd put his lips to good use soon. "You are... absolutely glistening," he smiled up at her. "As wondrous as the parting of the Red Sea, as beautiful as newly blessed holy water..."
He wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to be doing with his tongue, but he knew he'd done something right when she pulled his hair a little harder, begging him to, "Do that again. Right there... right where I showed you. Oh... you've got it. More... please, Father." He moved slowly, almost lazily dragging his tongue up and down and slowly back up again until her legs were shaking and they both couldn't take it any longer. "Paul, I need... I need you inside me. Please. I - please." Her voice was so strained, so desperate as he sat up a bit.
He moved to kiss her again, smiling a little as he whispered, "You taste like… the honey that was promised to the Israelites in the desert, like Holy Communion, like…" What surprised him was her hand reaching down, softly stroking him as he talked, just enough to remind him of how it felt. "Oh God, Gracie..."
"Blasphemy, Father. You're doing so well," she couldn't help but smile at him, a little bit of the anxiety leaving his body until he realized what was next. "You're still sure you want to do this?" He nodded, the fear rising in his stomach again. "Okay, when you're ready - oh!" He had just barely grazed her, the light touch enough to bring back a small ripple of the pleasure she had just felt.
"Have I -"
"No, no, that was good. I'm just… You feel so good, Paul, so incredibly good," she smiled, reaching down to line him up properly. "Right there... When you're ready, just push in slowly, okay? Take your time."
This was the part he was the most scared of, the part he'd been really fearing for a while now. He'd dreamt about it, but nothing prepared him for being in the moment. "I don't want to hurt you."
She raised a hand to his cheek, promising him that, "You're not going to hurt me. It'll be okay. I'll let you know if it hurts." He still looked so afraid. Afraid of hurting her, afraid of disappointing her, afraid of doing something wrong. She knew. She'd known for a while. "Hey, it's just me. Just me and you. Just us. And I know you feel so good already. You're doing so well. There's nothing to worry about."
"I, umm, okay," he said, Grace starting to rub his cheek with her thumb. "Can I kiss you first?"
"Of course. I'm always happy to kiss you," she smiled, Paul leaning in for a reassuring kiss before slowly pushing inside of her. He nearly moaned just at that, Grace putting a steadying hand on his back.
"That feels so… so good," he breathed, smiling down at her. "Fuck, Gracie, you're perfect."
"Just stay here for a bit so you can get used to it." He closed his eyes, trying to steady himself a little. "And now… go slowly at first so we can both get used to it, but pull out a little, and then go back in again. You can speed up when you're ready. There, in and out, just like that." Her breath caught in her throat as he moved, making his heart beat a little faster.
"Are you okay?" he whispered, immediately worried that he'd done something wrong.
"I'm fine, I - you hit something good. Very good. Could - Could you do that again?" He obeyed, another sigh of pleasure escaping her. "Just like that. Please." He leaned in to kiss her again, gently pushing his tongue into her mouth as he pushed deeper inside her.
He was terrified of hurting her, but she kept telling him that he was doing wonderfully, so he slowly let himself speed up and tried not to think too much, which he proved to not be very good at. The first time she stopped kissing him, closing her eyes and digging her nails into his shoulders, he very nearly thought he'd done something wrong. "Gracie, did I hurt you? I'm sorry -"
"Don't you dare slow down," she panted. "I - whatever you just did… do it again. Fuck, Paul, do that again. Paul - Father, please. Paul... Oh God, Paul..." She repeated his name like a prayer, slowly relaxing her grip on his shoulders.
The ache in his abdomen was growing, Paul leaning in to whisper in her ear. "Do you mind if I go faster? Just a bit more?"
"Please, Father." She brushed the hair out of his eyes, keeping a hand steadily on his back. "Go ahead. Whatever you need."
He couldn't help but whisper blessings in between ragged kisses, half-prayers and half pure adoration. "Blessed are you amongst women... Gracie," he finally groaned, "I, I think I'm going to… oh..." Fuck. Shit. How long has it been? Long enough? Fuck...
"Don't stop, please, just a little more… Father, please..." She gave him a sloppy kiss as he lowered himself onto his elbows to be closer to her, begging for him to, "please just… I'm nearly…" The rest was replaced by a whimper, which turned into a low moan of his name that he'd never forget.
It didn't take long for the string of blessings to turn into a string of expletives, his once-gentle movements getting a bit rougher until a feeling of warmth started to grow inside her. "Gracie… oh God, Gracie…"
"I love you," she whispered as he moaned again. "You're doing so well."
"I love you," he gasped, burying his face in her hair. "Oh fuck, I love you." He paused for a moment, trying to catch his breath before slowly pulling out of her. "Gracie, I - are you -"
She reached for his right hand, guiding it between her legs. "Please? I... I think I'm getting close again. Like really close. If you could..." He turned a little so he could kiss her while he trailed his fingertips up her thigh, slowly starting to imitate what he'd done with his tongue. "Could you..." She spread her legs a little more, Paul taking the hint.
"Uh, one or two?"
"Two. Please." She closed her eyes as he kissed her again. He easily slid two of his fingers inside her, Grace groaning into the kiss. "Thank you, Father." He started to slowly move his fingers in and out, like he'd just been doing moments before. He watched a slow smile spread over her face as he leaned in to kiss her again and gently curled his fingers inside of her. "Paul..."
He froze, hoping he hadn't done something wrong. "Does that hurt?"
"No, I - do it again. Please, please do that again."
He obeyed, smiling to himself as she squirmed a little. She couldn't help but moan, Paul pulling her to him as she reached her own personal bit of Heaven again. When she finally gasped a "thank you", he pulled his fingers out, starting to massage the spot she'd shown him before. "I didn't know you could... do that more than once, I just figured..."
"Yeah, I uh, I can - fuck, Paul, please -" She was moaning his name in seconds, her grip on him tightening one last time.
He couldn't help but smile to himself as he finally moved his hand away, leaning in to kiss her. "Do... Do you want to try for more?" He had to admit that he absolutely loved seeing the look on her face, her flushed cheeks as she moaned his name.
"I don't think I can," she breathed, her eyes still closed. "I... The first one makes the second one easier... which makes the third one easier... but there's a point where... where I get so sensitive that it might just hurt and... you're so good, Paul. You're so good in every way, and I'm so glad you're mine."
"I love you," he whispered, licking his fingers again.
Grace was the one to pull her to him a second later, Paul laying his head on her chest as she began to rub his back and they both caught their breath. And then she realized he was crying. Not much, but a couple of hot tears dripping down onto her skin told her that he wasn't as perfectly content as she was. "What's wrong?" she asked gently, Paul looking up at her.
"I broke my vows,” he breathed, holding onto her like she was the only solid thing in the world. He felt just as queasy as he had before, like everything was spinning around him. “I broke my vows and it felt good. Really good. Fuck, that felt good." He laughed a little. "I don't feel guilty. I know I should feel guilty, but I don’t. But I know I did something wrong. It doesn't feel wrong, though. I… I want to keep doing this. I care about you so much and I don't want to have to hide it but I have to and… How can they really ask me not to love you? Because I do. I love you and it scares me and I don't know how anyone could ask me to choose between you and the church."
"I love you too," she said softly as he moved to kiss her. "I love you, Paul. And I'd never want you to have to choose between me and your faith. I - there are some priests who are allowed to get married, aren't there?"
He nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. "We'd have to leave. Start over somewhere else. I'd be happy to leave with you, but the miracles that await Crockett Island…" He sighed, shaking his head. "I don't want to think about it yet. About having to choose. Because I'd always choose you."
"I'd always choose you too." Grace sat up a little to kiss him, gently showing him how to take the condom off without getting anything all over.
She got up for just a moment to throw it away, but when she returned, she could see the pure adoration glowing in his eyes. He was so incredibly overwhelmed by it all, by the physical, the spiritual, the emotional, the love he had for her and the passion of everything still washing over him. "Thank you for loving me," Paul croaked, wiping at his eyes.
“You’re so easy to love," she smiled as she laid back down beside him, pulling him close again.
"I, uh... am I any good?" he asked, the darkness making him feel just a little more free to speak, free to wonder. "You're not... disappointed or anything, are you?" He could feel his face turning red again. "Please don't tell anyone if... I know everyone thinks we're not supposed to be doing this, but it'd feel worse if you tell anyone how bad I really am."
"You're wonderful," she said, starting to run her hand through his hair again. “You’re not disappointing or embarrassing or awful. You’re not a burden and - Paul, I love you. And we might have things to explore, but we get to do it together. Every relationship takes a little work. I love you. I love you so much, and I want to keep working on ‘us’ for the rest of our lives. I want to be ‘us’ for the rest of our lives.”
“Me too. All of it. I love you, and I want to keep loving you and being ‘us’ forever, and if that takes work… then it’s just more for us to do together. I really want to be ‘us’ forever.” I’d marry you right now if you asked. I’d run away with you if you asked. I’d do anything for you. Just please ask. For a large part of his life, Paul had told himself that if things were different, in another life, he’d choose Millie. He always would. But now… now he knew that he wanted Grace, and nothing but Grace, no one but the woman who loved him so dearly and gently and kindly and tenderly and all of the other ways of describing a miracle. She really was his miracle, one he didn’t deserve and one he would forever be thankful for. She loved him so perfectly, it felt like he was constantly being held and comforted, body and soul, and he never wanted to let go of that. In that moment, Paul knew he’d always choose her. He’d choose her over the church, over himself, over his own life if it ever came to it. He loved her so completely and fully, so devoutly that the only thing he worshipped more than her was God himself. And here she was in his bed, curled up with him and asking to spend her life with him. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was. All he could do was pray a prayer of thanks every night. More often than that, actually. He’d been so incredibly blessed, and in that moment, he knew he’d love her just as devoutly for the rest of his life. "If... if you really want to. It's not going to be easy."
"I do. And I don't care if it isn't easy. I love you. And what's that verse you're always quoting? Something about love always persevering?" She smiled at the earnestness in his voice. She'd cared about him so much for so long, and she knew he adored her, but it always felt good to hear. “Can we be ‘us’ forever? I mean… do you think we really could?”
His answer was instant. “Yes. I’d do anything for you.”
“In that case, why don’t you stay here beside me and be the comfortable pillow I always ask you to be? We can talk about the rest of forever in the morning, but I’d really like to be able to hold onto you tonight.” Paul shifted a little so she could lay her head on his chest and drape an arm over his stomach like always. He cradled her with a protective arm, turning his head so he could rest his lips on her forehead in the perpetual, tender kiss he fell into each night. Normally Grace would fall asleep to him whispering his prayers above her, wrapped in the warmth and tenderness that only he could provide. “So… all in all, good first time?”
“The best,” he smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you too. G’night, Paul.”
“G’night, Gracie.” He kissed her on the forehead before nestling a little closer and beginning an Our Father. Grace drifted off to the sound of his voice, and eventually Paul would drift off to the comforting rise and fall of her breath, holding her close and whispering about how much he loved her. Tonight he closed his eyes, adding, “You’re my miracle. I love you so much, Gracie. I love you so much that there aren’t words for it. There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know that I want to marry you.” He could've sworn she smiled a little in her sleep.
They woke up just as the sun began to rise, both of them still clinging to the fog of sleep. "You're still here," Paul breathed as soon as he'd blinked the sleep from his eyes, somewhat in shock.
"Of course I'm still here," Grace yawned, putting her hand to his cheek as she kissed him good morning. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I - I don't know," he stumbled. "I guess... It's just... When Millie and I... we didn't stay."
Grace smiled softly, sadly, as she kissed him again. "Well I love you. And I'm going to stay. I love sleeping next to you, and I love waking up next to you, and I love spending my morning with you. Even on days where we just fall asleep next to each other, I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay as long as you'll let me. Forever and always."
"Good." He relaxed, smiling a, "Thank you." They leaned in to kiss each other, one kiss turning into two, and three, their kisses deepening until Paul had to pull away. "Uh, Gracie? Could we... I, uh..."
She could feel him getting harder against her, every kiss pulling him further into temptation. So she smiled mischievously, hooking her leg over his hip. "Again?"
"Please?"
"Of course," she smiled, leaning in to kiss him. She groaned a little as she guided him inside, Paul softly biting her lower lip. "Oh, you feel... incredibly good. Bless me, Father. Help me see Heaven again."
This time it was soft, and gentle, and slow, giving them the sense of closeness that they both longed for. And this time Paul wasn't afraid. He wasn't nervous, not even a little. It all felt so right, and being with her felt so right. She loved him so much, and she wasn't going to make fun of him. She'd help him learn, and he really wanted to learn. He wanted to see that look on her face again, hear the little noises of pleasure and his name moaned like a prayer as her muscles tightened around him. It all felt so perfect with her. There was no way this could be a sin, and there was no way he could be afraid of it, not with how much she loved him.
Grace closed her eyes as they fell into a steady rhythm of motion, their bodies grinding together as they pulled each other closer, closer, closer… "I love you," he gasped as she tightened her grip on his arm, her muscles contracting around him. "Gracie, I - fuck, I love you."
"I love you too," she breathed, smiling at the warm half-kisses he was giving her, his nose pressed into her cheek as he tried to breathe properly as he moaned, dark hair falling into her face. As a sense of warmth began to spread inside her, she couldn't help but smile. "I love you so much, Father."
Paul pulled out slowly before pulling her to his chest again, holding her hand as he kissed her shoulder blade. "That was… perfect," he smiled. "You're... thank you. Not just this - you, me, everything we are, it's the best thing I could possibly have ever hoped for. You're my miracle."
"I should be thanking you. For breaking your vows, for this, for falling in love with me," she smiled, slowly sitting up. "For being you."
Suddenly something lurched in his stomach. His face blanched as he realized. "Fuck, I - we... I should've... condom..." There was no way they could pass it off as her husband's child. She didn't have a husband. Or a fiance. Or a boyfriend, not that they knew about. And several people in town were already thinking something was going on between them.
"Birth control," she assured him with a kiss. "But you're right, we really should use both."
Paul sat up with her, sighing in relief as he wrapped his arms around the miracle he'd been given. "I love you."
"I love you too. I'd also love a shower and a cup of coffee. And then maybe we can start talking about some other stuff we'd want to try."
"Stuff we'd want to try?" He raised an eyebrow in a gesture that never failed to make her smile.
"Kinks." He looked so lost, but Grace just smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Maybe we'll talk about that later, then. You've discovered a lot of new things recently."
And from the sound of it, he was soon to discover more. At least it would be with her, who was infinitely patient and infinitely loving. With her, he knew he'd be safe. He'd already given her his heart and soul, and now he'd given her all of his body too. Before he knew it, he'd be giving his entire life to her, taking a new set of vows with her in the church. For now, though, he was content with making breakfast with her, smiling uncontrollably when she appeared in the kitchen in one of his shirts.