Chapter Text
London Alliance HQ, Alliance Docks, six months post-Reapers
“Today marks six months since the galaxy’s victory over a seemingly unstoppable foe. Six months since all the races of the galaxy came together and declared ‘We will not be dominated!’ These past months have been a challenge for us all, but through the unity we achieved against the Reapers, we are on the path to recovery.”
Admiral Hackett stood tall, dress blues crisp and perfect. The morning sun glinted off the medals decorating his uniform. His face loomed large on screens all around the London Alliance docks, and on vidscreens on every homeworld and colony possible so the whole galaxy could share in the ceremony. Dignitaries from every Council race sat behind him.
“Now, more than ever, we need that unity to see us through. Never was there a better example of the way people from across the galaxy can work together toward a common goal than the crew of the Normandy. Throughout her various campaigns, this team has been comprised of crew members from up to seven different species. While things have not always been perfect amongst them, they set aside their differences when it mattered the most.
“Therefore, it is with great pleasure that I bring you this announcement today. By the agreement of the Systems Alliance Navy and Parliament, and the Citadel Council, the Normandy has officially been reclassified. She is no longer an Alliance Navy frigate. Please join me in welcoming humanity’s first Spectre vessel!”
With a sweep of his arm, the admiral redirected the crowd’s gaze to the sky. The ship flew overhead, turning in a wide circle as the crowd cheered. After a couple of passes, it slid into dock behind Admiral Hackett. The ship had received a new paint job. No longer sporting the Systems Alliance logo and standard white and blue, the ship now bore the Council Spectre symbol and was painted gray and black. Hackett indulged the screaming crowd long enough for the docking clamps to lock in place. As the audience quieted, the hatch opened, a ramp extended, and the command crew of the Normandy stepped out, led by Kaidan Alenko. They filed in behind the admiral, waiting to take their seats to the left of the dignitaries.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the command crew of the Normandy led by Kaidan Alenko, Captain of the Systems Alliance Navy and Council Spectre.” Once again, the cheers overwhelmed Hackett. He turned to face the crew, clapping politely with the dignitaries.
It didn’t take long for people to start glancing back at the ship, waiting for someone else. The cheering died off, replaced by murmurs and whispers. He had dreaded this since the moment Hackett proposed this crazy plan. The admiral hoped the spectacle would distract the masses. But the truth was, they couldn’t celebrate the end of the war without people noticing that the guest of honor was missing. Even the dignitaries had started whispering amongst themselves.
Finally, an asari got brave and stepped forward, just enough for her voice to be picked up by the mic on the podium. “Excuse me, Admiral, but where is Commander Shepard?”
He knew the question would come up. How could it not? After all, she had saved the galaxy. People wanted to thank her, congratulate her for her victory. If it wasn’t for Shepard, none of them would be standing here today. He almost felt bad for the honor he was being given.
Almost. Shepard made her choice. She could have been the one standing here. She could have the honor of commanding humanity’s first Spectre vessel. Kaidan thought about Garrus, who had opted out of today’s celebration. He couldn’t face the crowds all demanding the answer to a question even they didn’t know. Steve stood right behind Kaidan. As discretely as he could with cameras pointed at them, his fingers brushed Kaidan’s arm. Nothing that could draw attention. Just enough to offer comfort.
Hackett met Kaidan’s eye before turning back to the podium. “I am sorry to announce that Commander Shepard has chosen to resign her commission in the Alliance Navy and retire from the Spectres. As many of you know, the commander was grievously injured in the final assault against the Reapers. Her recovery is going to be a long and painful process numbered in years, rather than weeks or months. In addition to that, she, like many of us, suffered tremendous personal losses during the war. She has opted for a quiet retirement out of the public eye. At least for the time being. The Council and Alliance High Command are exceedingly grateful for the commander’s sacrifices and have collectively decided to grant her the privacy she needs for a full recovery.”
And that right there was the biggest load of bullshit Kaidan had ever heard come out of the admiral’s mouth.
***
Three months earlier
Sunlight streamed in the bedroom window, bathing Steve’s face in a soft glow. Kaidan propped his head on one hand to watch him. His other hand rested lightly on the pilot’s stomach. For the first time since their return to Earth after the war, the world outside their window was quiet. The construction crews hadn’t started for the day.
The Alliance had managed to secure a relatively intact apartment building in London for the Normandy crew to share. Some folks had opted to bunk together, sharing the larger apartments. Kaidan and Steve had chosen a two-bedroom corner apartment with a lovely view. Not quite as good as the view from his parents’ condo in Vancouver, but it would do for now. It was sparsely decorated since all their belongings could fit into a footlocker each. But it was theirs, at least for a while.
Steve stirred, eyes scrunching up against the light. He turned his face into Kaidan’s chest before taking a deep breath. He blinked his eyes open. “Were you watching me sleep?” he asked.
“Just enjoying a quiet morning for once,” Kaidan said.
Steve kissed Kaidan’s neck, then worked his way up along the biotic’s collarbone. When he got to Kaidan’s ear, he said, “We could make it less quiet.” He shifted his hips. Kaidan ran his hand down Steve’s back, tilting his head to give Steve better access.
“Hmm, that’s sounds nice,” Kaidan murmured.
Somewhere on the floor, buried in a pile of clothes, Kaidan’s omni-tool chimed with the special ring he used for Shepard. During the war, that usually meant she had a mission brief to review or a report to discuss. Now, it was more likely she was feeling insecure and didn’t want to burden Garrus. Shepard had just been released from the hospital a few days ago. But her recovery was far from over. She seemed convinced she would never recover completely, which led to doubts that Garrus could still love her if she was broken. Kaidan had spent more than a few late nights talking her down off a proverbial ledge, even before her release.
Steve pulled away, dropping a last kiss on the tip of Kaidan’s nose before sliding out of bed. “Our fearless leader calls,” he said with a smile. Kaidan was glad Steve was so understanding about it.
“Not so fearless anymore,” Kaidan murmured. He sat up and rooted around in the clothes until he found his omni-tool. Eventually, they would get used to living together and stop throwing their clothes everywhere when they made love. Right now, they were acting like a couple of horny teenagers. Nothing like a few near-death experiences and surviving the end of the galaxy to rev up the hormones.
“Give her time,” Steve said. He slipped into the bathroom, closing the door with a soft click.
Kaidan set the omni-tool aside and dressed quickly. More than likely, she just needed to talk, so he started some coffee. While it brewed, he slipped on his omni-tool and opened the message.
Hey, Kaidan-
I ’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I know you keep saying it will get better. That I’ll get stronger, be able to handle more. But High Command, Parliament, the Council, all the reporters wanting interviews, the dignitaries wanting to shake hands with the “Savior of the Galaxy”… It’s all too much. I feel like I’m being pulled in a thousand directions at once. It’s not like the war, when I could make a snap decision and save a life, or a species. They all want me to be this bright, shiny hero they can parade around and show off when all I want is peace.
So that ’s what I am going to find. Peace. I need to do this alone. Garrus won’t understand. I need you to help him, be there for him. I’m broken, Kay, and I don’t know how to be the woman he loves anymore.
I ’ve turned in my resignation to the Alliance. The crew is yours. Take care of them.
Liz
“Kaidan, are you alright?” Steve asked. Kaidan looked up at him, trying to find the words.
That’s when their quiet morning shattered. A sound reached them. A sound Kaidan had only heard twice before— once after Alchera, and once after the Normandy crashed at the end of the war and they had no idea where Shepard was or if she was alive.
A high keening wail floated through the building. It started soft, and if the construction crews had been out, Kaidan would have missed it. But it got louder with each progressive run. Steve looked at him in horror. He remembered that sound, too.
“Garrus!” Steve cried. Kaidan bolted for the door without a word.
Shepard and Garrus shared the apartment right next door. Kaidan flew out one door and had the next open before he could register the crew members coming out of their apartments, curious babble dogging his heels. He couldn’t worry about them right now. Fear clenched at his heart. The letter hadn’t exactly been a suicide note, but it could be interpreted that way.
Garrus knelt in the middle of the living room floor, curled in on himself. He rocked back and forth, his mandibles pulled in tight to his face, throat undulating with the sound. The keening was an involuntary response for turians. Their equivalent of deep, wracking sobs in humans. A datapad hung in one limp hand. Kaidan dropped down beside him, easing the datapad away. Tali came around Garrus’ other side. She wrapped her arms around him and nodded at Kaidan.
Leaving Garrus in her care, he turned on the datapad. It contained another, longer letter from Shepard.
My love,
I am so sorry, Garrus. I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But the war broke me. My body, my mind, my spirit. Everything they ’re asking of me… it’s too much. Every day feels like the end of the war all over again. Enemies coming from every direction, being pulled a thousand ways. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. Garrus, I think I’m going insane.
And through it all, there you are. My light in the darkness. My guiding star. You are the only reason I ’ve made it this far, but that’s not fair to you. I think the woman you love died up there on the Citadel. I’m still trying to figure out who, or what, came back. We’ve talked about the decision I had to make. With that decision, I committed genocide and killed a close friend. I don’t think Joker will ever forgive me, and he shouldn’t. EDI’s death is on my head. There is nothing I can ever do to make up for that.
I know you said you ’re by my side no matter what. But you deserve a life. Enjoy the victory. You saved the galaxy as much as I did. Maybe more, since you certainly saved me. So, bask in the accolades, demand the insane from your government, and find a way to be happy.
I ’m drowning, Garrus. And I refuse to drag you down with me. I’ve sent my resignation to the Alliance and advised Kaidan that I’m leaving. No one else knows. And don’t go after Kaidan. He doesn’t know where I am or where I’m going. No one does. Please don’t try to find me. Mourn if you have to but move on. Lean on Kaidan. He can help you.
I love you, Archangel.
Your Elizabeth
Kaidan leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to wrap his mind around what he had just read. He heard movement at the door and looked up to see Liara and James hovering on the threshold. He walked over.
“What’s going on, L2?” James asked.
“Gather everyone in the lobby downstairs. I’ll tell the whole crew at once. Liara, can you send Dr. Chakwas up with a sedative for Garrus?” he asked.
“I’m here, Kaidan,” the doctor said, rushing toward them. Liara stepped aside. “Steve called me. What’s going on?”
“Just get him to stop making that sound. I’ll tell you once he’s out,” Kaidan said. He turned back to Liara and James. “Please, I know you want to help. But the best thing you can do right now is go downstairs and make sure the crew stays calm.”
“You gonna be able to move him?” James asked. Turians tended to be heavier than humans. But like the rest of them, Garrus had lost weight recently. Kaidan nodded.
“I’ll use my biotics if I have to,” Kaidan said. Liara touched James’ arm and they both turned away.
Behind him, the keening faded. He turned to see Garrus lying on his side with Dr. Chakwas checking his pulse. Tali knelt behind him, running her hand over his fringe. It reminded Kaidan of his mother caressing his hair when he was sick as a child.
“I think he’ll be alright, but he shouldn’t wake up alone,” Dr. Chakwas said.
“I agree. Will you stay here with him while I talk to the crew?” Kaidan asked. The doctor nodded. “Tali, thank you for your help. Right now, I need you to go downstairs with everyone else.”
He could tell from her body language she wanted to protest. She kept her hand on Garrus’ shoulder for a long time, staring down at him. Finally, she nodded and stood up. “Alright, Kaidan.”
“Thank you, Tali,” he said. She touched his arm as she passed.
When they were alone, Dr. Chakwas turned to him. “What the hell happened? The last time he did this—“
“Liz was missing in action. I know,” Kaidan said. He handed her the datapad. While she read through the letter, he used his biotics to lift Garrus and carefully walk him into the bedroom. He eased the turian down onto the bed. The sheets were still rumpled from the night before. He pulled them up over his friend.
He moved quietly around the room. He knew the sedative would keep Garrus under, no matter how much noise he made. But he couldn’t help it. He gently pulled open drawers, opened the closet. None of them had many personal belongings after the war, but what little Shepard had was gone, including one set of armor and her second-best rifle.
“What the fuck, Kaidan?” Dr. Chakwas said. Kaidan spun around. He didn’t think he’d ever heard her cuss before. “She said you knew?”
“If by ‘knew’ you mean I found out thirty seconds before Garrus started keening, then yes. What she meant is that she also sent me a note. I got it when I woke up this morning,” Kaidan explained.
“Ah. That makes more sense. I knew you wouldn’t hide something like this,” the doc said. “Garrus barely survived after the Crucible fired and we didn’t know where she was. This? I don’t know if turians can pine away as humans sometimes do, but this could certainly make it happen. Or…” She trailed off, staring down at the sleeping turian.
“With Shepard gone, I’m in charge of the crew again. Technically, Garrus isn’t Alliance and doesn’t have to listen to me. But as long as he’s willing to, I want him kept under round-the-clock surveillance,” Kaidan said.
The doctor nodded. “He’s a suicide risk. And a flight risk. I think it’s the right move,” she said.
“Okay. I’ll set up a rotation after I tell the crew. Do you need anything before I go?” he asked.
“No, Kaidan. Go. I’ll be here,” she replied.
***
Steve, James, and Liara had gathered the crew in the lobby. Kaidan heard them talking amongst themselves as he came down the stairs. They sounded scared and he couldn’t blame them. Steve darted over to intercept him at the same time that the message light started blinking on his omni-tool. He glanced at the message and groaned.
“I’ve tried to keep them calm, but I don’t know what to tell them. What’s going on?” Steve asked. Kaidan ran his hand down Steve’s arm to clasp his hand.
“We have a problem and I have to go meet with High Command,” Kaidan said. He held his hand up when James and Liara tried to ambush him. “I will tell everyone at once. Garrus has been sedated and Dr. Chakwas is with him.”
“What the hell, L2?” James asked.
Kaidan shook his head and stepped away. He whistled to get the crew’s attention. They all fell silent. Kaidan grabbed a chair and stood on it so he could see everyone. “I’m sorry for the way you were woken up this morning. Rest assured, Dr. Chakwas is with Garrus, and he’s been sedated. There’s been a development with Shepard’s recovery. Now, I don’t have much time, and I’ll have more information after my meeting this morning. But you should all know that Commander Shepard has resigned from the military. She left early this morning, alone. At this time, we don’t know where she’s gone. I promise, after I meet with High Command, I’ll tell you more. In the meantime, please go about your morning and let Garrus rest.”
He stepped off the chair and headed for the door without waiting for questions. Murmurs started up almost immediately. Steve, James, Liara, and Tali followed him. He motioned them outside, letting the door slide shut before turning to face them.
“Are you alright?” Steve asked.
“Concerned, mostly. I just don’t understand what she was thinking,” Kaidan said.
“You have to know more than that,” James said.
“I don’t, really. The letter I got from her essentially said exactly what I just told the crew. Garrus got one, too. It was more personal, but otherwise the same,” Kaidan replied. They all looked like they were going to speak again, so he held up his hand. “Look, I really have to go. The admirals are waiting for me. We’ll talk more when I get back. Trust me, guys. I want answers, too.”
The moment he walked into the conference room, he knew he wasn’t getting them. The same confused murmurs greeted him. The three remaining fleet admirals and the human Councilor sat around a table, with the rest of the Council in attendance via holo. Kaidan saluted the admirals before taking his seat.
“Major Alenko, Alliance High Command has just informed us of a disturbing development,” Councilor Tevos started. Hackett looked like he wanted to protest. “We understand that Commander Shepard has left the Alliance military and appears to have turned off all tracking and communication devices. What do you know about this?”
“We received Shepard’s letter of resignation this morning,” Hackett added. “In it, she states her intent to have you take over the Normandy.”
“What part did you play in her departure?” Admiral Rojas asked.
“None. I wasn’t any more aware of Shepard’s plans than you. I got a message this morning from Shepard telling me that she couldn’t handle the pressures of the post-war demands and that she was leaving. Alone. She said she’d turned in her resignation and asked me to take care of the crew. By the time I reached her room only minutes later, I found Garrus Vakarian alone and in distress, with a similar letter. I received your summons not five minutes later,” Kaidan explained.
“Are you telling us that Garrus Vakarian, Commander Shepard’s lover, was unaware of her plans?” Admiral Mikhailovich asked with a sneer.
“Yes. I saw the letter she wrote him. She made it clear she kept her plans quiet and left in the middle of the night. Both letters were delivered at 0700 this morning, but the time stamp on them indicates they were written and sent with a time delay at approximately 0030,” Kaidan said. He sent copies of the letter he received to their omni-tools.
“We will need to see the letter Mr. Vakarian received as well,” Councilor Valern said.
“Respectfully, Councilor, you do not. It says exactly the same thing as mine, but with more personal information,” Kaidan said.
“Well, we’ll need to interview the crew to make sure no one helped her,” Hackett said.
“I can’t stop you from summoning the Alliance crew members. But the non-Alliance crew don’t have to answer to you, and I won’t force them to come,” Kaidan said. “None of them know anything.”
“At the very least, we expect you to bring us Mr. Vakarian,” Mikhailovich said.
“I am not going to make a man who just lost the love of his life answer to an alien government, especially when that government seems determined to prove that he’s lying. I saw Garrus this morning. I read the letter she sent him. He doesn’t know anything. And this reaction is exactly why she made her plans in secret. He can’t tell you what he doesn’t know. Neither letter contained any hint about where she was going,” Kaidan said.
“With respect, Major, you’re not really in a position to refuse an order,” Hackett said.
“If you make it an order, I’ll resign my commission on the spot,” Kaidan said. Shock flashed across the admiral’s face before he could stop it.
Tevos held up her hand to calm him. “You’re right, Major. Mr. Vakarian’s grief is not for us to exploit. We would appreciate it if you would ask the non-alliance crew, Mr. Vakarian included, to speak with us. But we will not force them.”
“You’re all acting like Shepard committed a crime. What are you accusing her of now?” Kaidan asked.
“Shepard did send us her resignation, but it wasn’t approved,” Hackett said. “Technically, until we sign these papers, she’s a deserter.”
“In addition to that, Shepard failed to resign her Spectre position,” Sparatus added.
“So, she’s gone rogue?” Kaidan asked.
“Exactly,” Hackett said. “Now, we discussed it while we waited for you. You have an exemplary service record, and we know you can handle the leadership role being posed to you. We’ve agreed to give you command of the Normandy and its crew. Because of your position as a Spectre, we will allow you to choose your own crew.”
“Thank you, sir. I am honored to accept,” Kaidan replied.
“In order to take command of a navy vessel, you will require the appropriate rank. Therefore, we are offering you the rank of Captain,” Hackett added. The admiral started to stand, a proud gleam in his eye. Before he could continue, Admiral Rojas jumped in.
“We had planned a victory tour for Shepard and the Normandy. Even without her, people are still going to want that pageantry,” she said. Hackett dropped back into his seat with a scowl. “The ship itself is as much an icon as her commander, and many members of your crew are well-known. All of you are considered heroes throughout the galaxy. As such, your first assignment is to complete a tour to all the homelands, starting with a ceremony here on Earth.”
“While on the tour, your other assignment is to find and detain Commander Shepard,” Mikhailovich said.
“Wait, you want me to arrest her? Sirs, she is suffering from severe post-traumatic stress disorder and has likely suffered a psychotic break. She’s just been through the worst hell any soldier can imagine, and you want me to treat her like a common criminal?” Kaidan said.
“We want you to bring her back home, son. That way we can complete her discharge properly and see to it that she gets the help she needs,” Hackett said.
“This mission is being seconded by the Council, Spectre. Commander Shepard may be suffering, but she has gone rogue. We don’t know what this break has done to her mind, and after the debacle with Saren, we can’t afford to find out,” Tevos said.
Kaidan sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Understood, Admirals, Councilors. How long do I have to complete my crew roster? And where are we with the Normandy’s repairs?”
“There’s quite a bit of work to be done on the Normandy before you can set out. We would like your initial crew roster within a month. We also want to allow your crew their full shore leave. We know that many of you are still under medical observation after the trials of your return to Earth. So, rest, comfort each other. Find the families and friends that are still alive. We figured to start the victory tour right here in London on the six-month anniversary of the end of the war,” Hackett said.
“So, that gives us three months to rest up and prepare,” Kaidan stated.
“Yes,” Hackett agreed. “As your crew comes off shore leave, we’ll have some work to keep them busy. But they won’t be reassigned unless you or they request a transfer before you deploy. We will also need the time to complete the transfer paperwork for anyone you want to add.”
“But since this is technically a Spectre mission, I can have anyone I want, regardless of species?” Kaidan asked.
“If any of them are soldiers in another military, you will have to follow protocol to have them transferred, but yes,” Sparatus replied.
“Thank you. Am I allowed to tell the crew what our missions are?” he asked.
The admirals all glanced at each other, and Kaidan had his answer. They were going to classify something. Hackett finally looked back at him. “You can tell them about the victory tour. But you need to limit who knows about the mission to locate Shepard. We’re still not certain if she had help from anyone, despite your assurances. Tell no one who isn’t an officer and limit the officers you do. Only tell those members of the crew that you trust implicitly.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll get started on the list,” Kaidan said.
“Thank you, Alenko. Now, there’s just one piece of protocol we need to handle, then you can go help your crew through this newest tragedy,” Hackett said. He stood and walked around the table, a small box in his hand. Kaidan stood, turning to face him. Hackett removed the major’s bars from his collar and replaced them with captain’s bars. “Congratulations, Captain. I know you’ll make us proud.”
Kaidan saluted. Hackett returned it, then shook his hand.
***
They sat around the table in Kaidan’s and Steve’s apartment that afternoon— Kaidan, Steve, James, Liara, Tali, and Kaidan’s mom, Elena. Garrus had woken up earlier, but Dr. Chakwas insisted on keeping him under observation and mild sedation. Steve held Kaidan’s hand, rubbing small circles on the back.
“I can’t believe she just left like that,” Liara said.
“What was she thinking?” Tali asked.
“Maybe she’ll come back. I mean, it could just be a temporary thing, right?” James asked. “Like, she’s having a mental break right now, but she’ll come to her senses?”
“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Elena said. They all turned to look at her.
“What do you mean, Mom?” Kaidan asked.
“That’s how I got here, Kaidan,” Elena replied. “I had been staying at a refugee camp not far from the orchard. After the war ended, I managed to get back to Vancouver. I thought maybe you or your father would head for the condo there if you survived. But the building had been destroyed.”
“Mom, no,” Kaidan said. He reached across the table to take her hand.
“I’m a big enough person to admit that I didn’t handle it well. I still didn’t know where either of you were, and our home was gone. One of them, anyway. I sat in front of the building and cried. Out of nowhere, a woman asked me if I was alright. I looked up and there was Commander Shepard, the hero out of all the vids, standing there, checking on me. I jumped up and hugged her. I think she was a little surprised by that. I asked her about you, Kaidan. About where you were, if you’d made it. She told me she didn’t know for sure, but that she thought so. That’s how I found out the Normandy was missing after the Crucible went off. She told me she had run away from the hospital and came to Vancouver to see how bad the damage was. I talked her into going back, and she invited me to come with her.”
“See, she’s just got a disturbing and frightening new habit,” Steve said. “She’ll come back.”
“Maybe. Hopefully before we deploy in three months,” Kaidan said. He hadn’t told anyone about the second mission yet. He still needed to figure out how to handle it. He could only hope that, wherever she was, she figured her shit out before he had to arrest her.