Work Text:
It feels like I’ve been turning in my bed for hours but it’s probably been 20 minutes or so. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I tried playing a little, reading, watching tv and even strumming my guitar but I couldn’t calm down. I don’t know why I’m having a hard time with THIS birthday.
No… That’s a lie. I know exactly why I’m feeling this way. It’s not only another birthday without him but even though shit started a bit later, turning 26 feels like it’s officially marking a year of hell. Okay, that’s a bit overdramatic. There have been some great things this year too but it’s all been soured by what has happened to HIM.
I can never say this to him. It would make him feel even worse when he’s feeling guilty and bad about things that aren’t his fault already. I know I didn’t hide my feelings well enough when he told me he can’t come to me for my birthday.
I’m sorry babe. I have to be there for the kids, I missed half of last year and holidays and then I missed a lot of this year too. I have to stay with them. You get it, don’t you?
Of course I understand. I probably understand even better than he realizes. I miss them so much. I haven’t seen them in person in 2 and a half years!! I wish that I could have come to Caymans to be with them but that is simply not possible right now. The risk is too much at this point.
But this is also my birthday and we haven’t been able to spend it together yet. Last year when they announced the divorce, I started hoping, secretly planning even. At his birthday that year, I was sure it was going to happen! But by the time we saw each other in December, it was clear it’s not going to happen. But I naively thought this year is our year. This year I’ll get my only birthday wish 5 years running. But this shit is at its most delicate stage and he has to be with his kids.
Suddenly I hear a key in the lock. Who the fuck has my key and is coming over at 2 am?! I jump out of bed, don’t bother putting anything on. Anyone coming in at 2am can deal with me in only his tracksuit pants.I run into hallway and exclaim:
”WHAT THE FUCK?! ARMIE?!”
I run at him full speed not even caring his jacket is cold and wet from snow. I stick my face in the crook of his neck.
“Happy birthday Timmy!”
I feel the rumble of his chuckle and the warmth of his voice washes over me. I push myself away and take his precious face in my hands. He looks good. Healthy and perfect.
“How long do I have you?”
He smiles and runs his hand through my hair.
“It has grown out so much since my birthday. I’m leaving on Thursday morning, I have kids for New Years."