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Maxwell stood in the war room, staring at his oblivious Commander. They had just finished the first war council after their return from Adamant and Cullen was nothing but absolutely professional.
Maxwell had never hated himself more.
“For Maker’s sake, Cullen, would you just yell at me?”
The man in question looked up from the notes he was taking with a raised eyebrow. “And why exactly would you want me to yell at you, Inquisitor?”
“For killing Alistair!” Maxwell all but shouted but immediately reined himself in when he noticed Cullen’s flinch. “Sorry, I didn’t- Cullen, I’m so terribly sorry and I think we’d both feel better if we just let it out once and for all.”
Cullen sighed. “While I appreciate the offer, Inquisitor, I do not feel compelled to yell at you. You made a decision when it needed to be made, and the logical one at that, as well. You couldn’t sacrifice yourself, as you are the only one to stand against Corypheus and Hawke has a wife and a baby on the way. Alistair offered to stay behind, you merely agreed to it. I certainly don’t blame you for anything that happened in Adamant, and I am quite sure that Alistair wouldn’t either.”
Maxwell groaned. "But...you cared for him. And he cared for you, so much. And he was good for you, too. These past few weeks you were relaxed and smiled , Maker's Breath, you smiled so much these last weeks before Adamant that Varric thought you'd finally gone crazy but it was him, wasn't it? And now he's gone just because I didn't take a second to think of an alternative."
Cullen shook his head. "There was no alternative. You mustn't blame yourself."
"Look," Maxwell said, putting a hand on Cullen's forearm, "I'm not entirely sure what your relationship with Alistair was and I know that you are an incredibly private person but I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about him or what happened, or even if you just want to drink yourself stupid you can always come to me and Dorian. We are both exceptionally good at the latter but we will give our best with the former, too."
Cullen nodded silently and Maxwell, with a sigh, took it as his cue to leave. He reached the door when Cullen spoke again.
"Do you tell Dorian that you love him every time you leave?" Cullen asked, barely above a whisper.
Maxwell turned surprised. "Erm...well...we haven't really said that yet. So…"
Cullen looked at him with a frown. "You do love him, though. It's obvious enough and you've been in a relationship for months. Why would you hold back on saying it?"
Maxwell shrugged. "It's a big thing, isn't it? I mean, once you've said it, I suppose it's easier but to be the first to say it? It's scary."
Cullen looked down at his notes for a long moment. "Alistair and I have been friends since we were thirteen, since I became his roommate at the monastery. I've told you that there was camaraderie amongst us recruits but Alistair and I...it was always more. He was my substitute family and I, well, I suppose I was his family. When he left to join the Wardens I realized that I had lost more than a friend or even a brother." He smiled a sad smile, "It's funny how you only notice what you have once it's gone, isn't it?"
"So, when he came to Skyhold…?" Maxwell gently inquired but Cullen shook his head.
"After all that time and everything that had happened to both of us, I couldn't just tell him. I thought, if I could just keep him in my life as my friend, then that'll be enough. It'd be better than not having him in my life at all. So, I had resigned myself to keeping anything that went beyond friendship to myself." Cullen explained quietly.
"Oh, Cullen, I'm so sorry…" Maxwell said softly.
"He came to see me, right before the battle." The Commander continued, as if a dam had broken now that he had started. "He said that since the Blight, he treated every battle as if it was his last. He said that if it is there's nothing to regret and if it isn't survival would be a nice surprise."
Maxwell smirked. "He really should have been a motivational speaker."
"Yes, he was very good at that." Cullen chuckled but sobered quickly. "He started saying that if it was the last time we'd talked and I interrupted him and told him that soldiers never say goodbye before battle because it's bad luck. I told him that whatever he wanted to say, he could say once the battle was over. For the first time since I've known him he didn't argue but simply nodded and turned to leave."
Maxwell blinked away tears, thinking that was the end, the last words that were spoken between those two warriors but apparently, Alistair had one last surprise left in him.
"Just before he left my tent he stopped and said: 'It's OK if you don't want to say something but I can't go into battle without telling you." Cullen took a deep breath, gathering strength but his voice cracked as he continued, "I love you. Not like a friend. Not like a brother. I'm in love with you and in a perfect world I would have had the courage to tell you sooner.' And then he turned and left and I just stood there nailed to the spot because I'd never expected him to feel the same. I tried to find him later but he was already on the battlements."
Cullen wiped away a tear that had escaped and turned his topaz gaze onto Maxwell. "So, no, Inquisitor, you have nothing to blame yourself for. The only person that made a grievous mistake was me. I don't even believe it would have made a difference but at least he would have known."
"He knows." Both Cullen and Maxwell startled at the new voice suddenly appearing next to them.
"Cole." Maxwell said through a sigh. "What are you doing here?"
The strange boy with the blond fringe had his watery eyes fixed on Cullen. "He knows and he's sorry. Pain, like a hole in my chest, only he can fix it. I can help."
Cullen shook his head slowly. "I know you mean well but this isn't something you can help with."
"I can help." Cole stressed again, "He's in the Fade."
"We know he's in the Fade, Cole. I left him there, remember?" Maxwell answered but Cole made a desperate noise and started to wring his hands while pacing between him and Cullen.
"No, no, no! He is in the Fade but he doesn't belong there!"
Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"The Fade is for spirits and demons," Cole went on frantically. "but he is neither. He doesn't want to be there and the Fade doesn't want him."
Maxwell's eyes widened as finally it made sense. "Are you saying Alistair is still alive?"
Cole nodded rapidly. "I know where he is. I saw him wandering the Fade. I can help."
Cullen was already by the door when Cole finished. "We need to speak to Solas. If there's a chance he's still…" The rest of his sentence was unintelligible because he was already on his way to the rotonda.
~*~
An hour later Cullen was pacing the rotonda. Varric had joined them and he waited with the Commander and the Inquisitor while Solas and Dorian talked with Cole. Finally the two mages emerged from their intense conversation.
"Solas and I agree that there might be a way to save Alistair." Dorian announced.
"How? What do you need?" Cullen asked.
"Well, it will be quite complex." Solas admitted. "The Inquisitor will have to open a rift, which we don't know he can do voluntarily. However, the biggest issue right now is to locate the Warden."
"Cole said he knows where he is." Cullen pointed out.
"Cole has focused on the Warden's being. In theory any point of the Fade can be accessed from any place. However, we don't know how to connect a rift to a specific location within the Fade, if it's possible at all." Solas explained.
Cullen looked confused to Dorian, who sighed.
"If Maxwell opens a rift, we don't know where in the Fade we will land."
"Can't we just look for him there?" Maxwell asked.
The two mages shared a look that spoke of exasperation at explaining magical things to non-mages. "The Fade is as vast and as extensive as the universe itself." Solas said with that condescending tone Cullen hated.
"What about Adamant? That's where he entered the Fade. Couldn't we go there?"
"Possibly, but not necessarily." The elf replied. "Even if we're to assume that opening a rift at the exact location we entered the Fade last time would bring us to the same location within, I'm afraid I must remind you that Maxwell opened the rift while we were falling. Furthermore the place we were, it did not appear to be related to the physical world there. In the Fade we were not at Adamant, we were in the nightmare demon's lair."
"We think our best hope will be for Solas to walk the Fade in his dreams, with Cole guiding him to Alistair. If he finds him we can go to the place with the highest arcane energy correlation and hope that if we open a rift there, we might end up in the right place." Dorian elaborated.
Cullen looked between the two mages but then decided to just accept their explanations as valid without really understanding it. "So, let's assume this arcane energy...whatever works."
"Correlation." Dorian muttered.
"Right. That. Let's assume Maxwell can open a rift and let's assume you can locate him...will that be it? In, out, done?"
"Well, Commander, out is another problem." Solas admitted.
"Of course it is."
"Last time we needed an existing Fade rift to leave."
Cullen sighed. "Alright, so, arcane energy correlation, a rift close by...what about the nightmare demon. We can't risk that demon to emerge again."
Dorian smirked slightly. "Cole says Alistair is alone. There's no demon. Apparently our dear Warden has killed it."
Varric whistled through his teeth. "I knew Joker was a good fighter but taking that thing down single-handedly? Impressive."
"We should test if Maxwell can open a rift first." Solas said. "If he cannot voluntarily open one, it renders every other part of this conversation academic."
"Let's do it!" Maxwell agreed, clapping his hands together but Cullen shook his head.
"I can't let you do that." He said, resigned. "I understood enough of that explanation to know that the attempt to rescue Alistair will be difficult and very possibly dangerous. Our mission to stop Corypheus must always be the priority. Alistair remained in the Fade to ensure you can continue that mission-"
"Oh for fuck's sake, stop talking." Maxwell said with a theatrical groan. "Yes, you and Alistair are so good at being martyrs, sacrificing yourselves and your love for the mission. Well, here's some uncomfortable news for you, I'm not going to let you. I will open a fucking rift and I will get Alistair back home. So stuff your objections."
Maxwell wasn't what most people would call 'imposing', in fact, with his lithe 5'5 frame he was quite often mistaken for an elf when his shoulder long ginger hair covered his ears so most people would assume that he would be intimidated by the 6'2 mountain of muscles glaring down at him but after months of getting used to it, the glare had lost most of its heat to him so he stood his ground. After a long moment Maxwell saw Cullen's jaw do that twitchy thing he always did just before he begrudgingly agreed to something.
"One condition." Cullen said. "You will not enter the Fade. You will stay on this side and provide a rift through which we can exit."
"We?" Maxwell asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Me and whoever volunteers." Cullen replied with a nod. "I'm replaceable. You are not."
Maxwell held Cullen's gaze for a moment longer before turning to Solas. "How fast can you try to locate him?"
*****************************
Alistair let himself drop down next to some bolder, leaning back, breathing laboured. He didn’t know how long it’s been since Maxwell and the rest of their party had left through the rift, three hours, four? Time seemed to flow differently here and while fighting a massive nightmare demon the size of four broodmothers he couldn’t be blamed for losing track. At least there were no teats. Wandering through the Fade without any destination wasn’t much better, either. Did he pass that stairway before? Twice, maybe?
He didn’t really know why he kept fighting, kept moving. He hadn’t expected to win against the demon. The spirit of the Divine, or whatever it was, had distracted the abomination long enough for Alistair to land some serious blows. And then it seemed to flow. It was like something gave way and suddenly the nightmare shrunk until there was just a spirit left, smaller than Alistair even, and he finished it off with one final blow of his sword. Maybe, Alistair thought, the demon lost its control and power over him because he had no fear left. He had accepted his fate, had said his piece to his beloved Cullen and he would finally meet the end that was always destined for him.
He smiled. Cullen. For five years they had shared a room, and everything else. His love for the other boy slowly evolved from brotherly love to something different, something forbidden but oh so tempting. Back then, as the naive and deeply insecure boy that he was, he couldn’t imagine that Cullen could feel the same and so he had kept it to himself. He had regretted that decision for the following ten years. He wasn’t proud that even at Skyhold he couldn’t find the courage to tell the other man how he felt but at Adamant, when he finally did he saw something in his eyes and he just knew, as usual for him just a little too late, that Cullen did love him back.
Strangely, after the demon was dead, Alistair had found a new strength. If he could kill the demon, maybe he could find a way out of here. Maybe he could go and find him again and make everything alright. He sighed. He should have known that wasn’t going to happen. He was good at killing things, that much was undeniable but he was pretty much useless for anything else and in the end, he most likely caused Cullen more pain by sacrificing himself than he had caused him happiness when he was alive.
He snorted. When had he started to think of himself as dead? He supposed he wasn’t, yet. He didn’t know what dying felt like, let alone dying in the Fade but there was something. He felt fuzzy around the edges, like he couldn’t tell where his skin ended and the Fade began anymore, and that feeling was growing. It was like a loose thread of a knitted sweater was being pulled, unravelling him. Part of him wanted to fight, find a way out so he could ease Cullen's pain, but the bigger part of him knew he couldn’t. He felt himself slump down until he was lying on the floor.
“I’m sorry, my love.” he muttered, eyes blinking slowly, vision blurring.
And then there were leather boots stepping into his view. “Huh…” he hummed, slowly raising his eyes until he met that honey gaze he’d so longed to see one more time. “Cullen,” he sighed, “a sore for sight eyes.” he frowned, “Wait, that’s not right.”
“Well, it’s just like you to rather die than face some awkwardness.” Cullen said but a relieved smile lurked around the mock annoyed expression.
“Ha! That’s me, dying to get away from the consequences of my own actions.” Alistair grinned, or tried to but then looked at him warily. “Are you real, my love?”
Cullen knelt down, his hand cupping Alistair's cheek tenderly. “I’m real, darling.”, he assured him, “We’ll get you out of here. Bull.”
Alistair felt himself be picked up by the massive Qunari. “Ah, there goes my manly ego.” he said, to which he both heard and felt Bull chuckle.
“You’ll live.” the deep voice rumbled.
“Yeah, apparently I will.” he said before drifting off.
***************************************
The next time Alistair reached consciousness he was lying in a comfortable bed. He could feel the heat of a fire coming from one side of the room and he smelled tea.
“Are you going to pretend to be asleep for much longer, or should I put my book down?”
Alistair opened one eye to find Dorian sitting in a chair beside the bed, his feet propped up, a thick book on his lap.
“Morning, sweetheart.” Alistair smiled wolfishly, “I think you ended up in the room of the wrong devilish handsome redhead."
Dorian snorted a small chuckle. "Trust me, there's two men, neither of which I have any desire to antagonise, that would really object to that." He put down his book and leaned forward in his chair. "How are you feeling?"
Alistair pushed himself into sitting against the headboard and looked down at his own fingers as he flexed them. They felt normal enough, maybe a tiny bit numb. "I survived the Blight, even with Sten's cooking so I've been through worse." He tried to grin but wasn't entirely sure he hit the right note.
"Oh, yes, I'm sure fighting against a nightmare demon while physically walking the Fade has nothing on Qunari cuisine. There is a reason we let Bull get away with never cooking." Dorian smirked back.
Alistair forced a laugh but shifted uncomfortably. "So, erm… you guys came back for me, huh? I suppose it wasn't just a coincidence 'cause Cullen's usually not in the field party."
Dorian nodded. "After we returned to Skyhold Cole told Cullen and Maxwell that he found you in the Fade. It still took us a while to figure out how to get to you but it appears we were just in time, judging by the way you fainted in Bull's arms."
"Maybe I just swooned at being rescued like a damsel in distress." Alistair's grin was brittle at best but he lost it when he saw the look Dorian levelled on him.
"I would advise you to get those jokes out of your system before Cullen gets back because he certainly didn't laugh when he saw you go limp." Dorian said softly.
Alistair swallowed roughly. "How's he been?"
"If I hadn't spent as much time with him these past few months I would say he's been his usual stoic self."
"Yeah, but you have spent a lot of time with him, so…?"
Dorian sighed. "He was working. From the moment some nightmare tore him from his sleep to the second he passed out over some report that he had promised Maxwell he'd delegate to someone else. He ate if somebody brought him food, usually me or Cassandra. And that’s pretty much it.”
Alistair nodded, picking at some lint on his blanket. “Sounds like more of the usual.”
Dorian shook his head with a snort. “My dear Alistair, you’ve known Cullen for over half his life. Don’t pretend that you would be fooled into thinking that he was alright.”
“I’ve known him for five of the last fifteen years. I wasn’t around for the last ten and from what I've heard he did pretty much exactly what you just said he did after I stayed in the Fade-”
Dorian stood from his chair so quickly that it tipped and fell to the floor with a loud bang, effectively shutting Alistair up. “Don’t you dare.” Dorian said with a finger pointed at the wide-eyed Warden. “Don’t you dare and try to weasel your way out of this situation because Maker help me, I know Cullen is stupid enough to let you. You told him that you love him only to leave him heartbroken and a shell of the man he used to be so now man up and face the consequences.”
“Dorian, you just said-”
“I know what the fuck I said.” Dorian said angrily. “I have precious few friends and I happen to consider Cullen one of them. To see him these past weeks has been gut-wrenching. Maybe you haven’t been around the last decade but I’m confident that there is nobody in this world that knows Cullen better than you do. You know exactly what I meant with what I said but if you want to play obtuse, very well, I will spell it out for you. The moment that Fade rift closed with you still inside, Cullen stopped living. He merely existed. If he were a man that would even contemplate suicide, I can assure you he would not have thought about it twice.”
Alistair flinched at Dorian’s words but the mage didn’t care. He would make sure that his friend wouldn’t be hurt again. “When Cole told him that you were still alive and I and Solas confirmed that maybe, possibly, there was a way to get you back I saw the spark return to his eyes and I’ll be damned if I let you succumb to your commitment issues and inferior complex and stomp out that spark again by pretending you two are just friends.”
Alistair gaped at the agitated mage. "Dorian...I never wanted to hurt Cullen, but that's what I do and what I will do because as soon as the Wardens know that I'm still alive they'll send me away again and-"
"Alistair," Dorian interrupted, now gently, and put a hand on Alistair’s shoulder, "maybe they'll do that but I can assure you that both Cullen and Maxwell will do everything in their power to keep you here. Whether you like it or not, we all care about you and want to keep you with us. And even if none of these powerful people can persuade the Wardens to let you stay, you already know that Cullen would wait for you until the end of the world, which, realistically, could be any minute so let's not waste any time, yes?"
Dorian patted Alistair on the shoulder and then moved over to the table with tea and some biscuits. He had just finished pouring the tea when Alistair spoke again, quietly almost whispering.
"What if I'm not enough?"
Dorian looked back at the Warden. "How could you possibly think that?"
Alistair swallowed roughly. "Because I've never been enough? My father rejected me, Eamon sent me away to the Chantry, I wasn't able to save Duncan. It's been years since I talked to anyone from the Blight until I came here and met Leliana again. I know she's been in contact with Zevran, wrote the occasional letter to Mahariel, fuck she's even told me she's written with Oghren but no letters for Alistair. Everytime I think I've found friends, I either lose them or they leave." He let his head drop back. "You know what I see when I look at Cullen? I see that shy boy that I once fell in love with but I see that in the man he has become. That strong, confident man that has survived so many awful things and came out the other side a better man. And I love every damn part of him. But what if he only sees the boy he once knew? What if he only sees the boy that made him laugh when he wanted to cry because he missed his siblings." He raised his head to look at Dorian with tears in his eyes. "What if making him laugh isn't enough anymore?"
Dorian sighed, picked up his chair and sat down. "I get it. I really do, Alistair. You're talking to the grandmaster of abandonment issues, after all. Obviously I can't promise you that you and Cullen will have your happily ever after and love each other until you're dying breaths, but if there is one thing in this Maker forsaken world that I am sure of, it's that Cullen truly loves you. All of you, not just your pretty smile or your ability to make him laugh because believe it or not, there have been a lot of pretty smiles directed at him and he never even gave them a second glance. Besides, Cullen, the man that was tortured by blood mages and demons trusted a Tevinter mage and an elven apostate to send him physically into the Fade to rescue you. I think it goes without saying that he wouldn't do that for just anybody."
Alistair nodded but didn't look entirely convinced, so Dorian continued, "What's the worst that can happen, Alistair? What's the point of worrying about a future that might never even happen? You can be with the man you love right now, that has to be enough. So, since you always say you're better at following orders rather than giving them, here they are: When Cullen comes back, you'll tell him that you love him. And trust me when I say this, next time I see either of you you better both look like you've been fucked through the mattress or a nightmare demon in the Fade will seem like a walk along the beach."
Alistair laughed as Dorian grinned at him wickedly. And just then the door opened and Cullen came into the room. Alistair stopped laughing immediately as he took in the other man. Cullen wasn't wearing armour but a burgundy red tunic and leather breeches. On any other day he would have appreciated how the tunic accentuated his broad shoulders and strong chest but today he was too distracted by the dark bags under his eyes and the hollow of his cheeks but also by the way his eyes lit up when he saw that Alistair was awake.
"That's my cue to leave." Dorian announced and stood. "I trust you can handle our patient, Commander." Dorian said with a nod but then turned back to Alistair. "And you've got your orders."
Alistair gave a sloppy salute. "Aye, ser." He said with all the sarcasm and then Dorian left them alone.
Cullen walked over to the bed and sat on the foot of it, his back to Alistair. The silence stretched and Alistair's heart was beating staccato in his chest. He was just about to say something when Cullen turned, every word dying on his lips as he saw tears falling down the Commander’s cheeks. He crawled onto the bed, into Alistair's lap. Once he was straddling his thighs he took his face in both his hands, gently forcing him to look into his golden eyes.
"I love you." Cullen said quietly but full of conviction.
"I love you, too, Maker, Cullen, I never wanted -"
"No." He interrupted him. "No apologies. No promises...I love you. I need you to really understand that. I love you ."
He stared into his eyes and he understood. There was no point in apologizing or promising it would never happen again. Maybe neither of them would ever willingly sacrifice themselves again (or maybe they would) but they both would willingly walk into danger again many times and one day, one of them might not return and there was nothing they could do about that. So this is what they had. And it was all they needed. The knowledge that they loved one another.
"I love you, too." He finally replied, closing the gap between them with a kiss that he hoped would deliver the same message as his words. Everything else would come later.