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As Leliana and Josephine were talking about the tournament in Denerim, Cullen was only listening with half an ear. They had already agreed to send a champion to compete two weeks ago and quite frankly, Cullen didn't know what else there was to discuss at this point, so instead he was more focused on the various reports the Inquisitor had sent from the Emerald Graves.
"Maybe Cullen would be the best choice." He heard Leliana say and for some reason he even made a noise that might have been an affirmative grunt but then the words actually registered in his brain.
"Wait, best choice for what?" He asked.
Leliana smirked. "King Alistair has requested someone of authority to accompany our champion as he would Iike to be briefed on our work and progress."
Cullen cleared his throat and stood a little straighter. "I'm afraid diplomatic visits are usually not my area."
Now it was Josephine's turn to grin. "To be frank, I think that was the most diplomatic reply I've heard from you in a while. We do know you dislike diplomatic duties but I thought perhaps you would like to see your homeland again?"
"And Alistair might have hinted that he'd like you to attend." Leliana added, that smirk never wavering.
Cullen looked down at his reports. "I don't see why the King might prefer my attendance over Josephine's or yours. Especially since you used to travel with him during the Blight. I was under the impression that you two were friends."
"And I was under the impression that you and him were friends since you two roomed together at Bournshire." She replied, her smirk now vanishing in favour of a raised eyebrow.
Cullen nodded shortly. "Apparently there's been a misunderstanding. I certainly did room with the King, however we were not friends."
"But he told me-" Leliana started but Cullen cut her off.
"I have no desire to go to Denerim. In fact I have to prepare our forces for the march on Adamant and I think it would not be wise to send the Commander on an unnecessary diplomatic trip to brief the King personally when written reports would suffice. If you do wish to cater to his whims, I suggest Josephine do it. My patience for nobility is famously thin."
Now Leliana frowned. "I think you know how insulted Alistair would be to be called nobility. "
"Last I checked there was no common man sitting on the throne of Ferelden but the son of King Maric." Cullen replied venomously. "Perhaps your experiences with him gave you a different impression but I happen to recall some very noble traits in him. He certainly believed he could have whatever he wanted without consequences." He gathered his reports. "So, no, I will not attend the tournament."
Leliana looked after him, slightly shocked as he left the war room, before exchanging a surprised glance with Josephine.
"Is it just me, or did that sound like there was quite a bit of animosity there?" The Ambassador asked.
"I don't understand. Alistair used to speak so fondly of him." Leliana admitted. "Alistair wasn't very subtle about wanting Cullen to attend. I genuinely thought Cullen would be happy about the opportunity."
Josephine just shrugged with a tired sigh. "I suppose, if the King still wishes to be informed personally, I could make the trip instead."
~*~
After the defeat of Corypheus everyone wanted to come to Skyhold to congratulate the Inquisitor for a job well done and that included, to Cullen’s displeasure, King Alistair. Ever since they received the first letter announcing the King's visit (Cullen had then pointed out that the King didn't ask to be invited but simply informed them that he was already on his way) Josephine was preparing the Keep, having servants scrub every last corner, decorating in Ferelden heraldry and the kitchen was working overtime preparing Fereldan specialties, as well as some Ostwick specialties to represent the Inquisitor's home.
She was so busy that despite several incidents where Cullen made it more than clear what he thought of King Alistair, Josephine never considered for one second that the Commander would not conduct himself in a perfect manner around the monarch.
As it turned out, she was very wrong.
"You did not just call the King of Ferelden a pompous arse!" She hissed after following him to his office.
"Actually, I didn't." Cullen answered calmly. "I said that he plunked his pompous arse onto the Ferelden throne. I will, however, gladly rectify that and call him an arse outright, if you'd prefer."
"Commander Rutherford!" Josephine said with indignation. "Not only are you a representative of the Inquisition, you are also a Ferelden native. You will address the King with the respect he deserves!"
"He did."
Josephine turned shocked at the new voice, finding King Alistair in the door she had forgotten to close.
"He did address me with the respect I deserve, Lady Ambassador. At least from him, anyway. In fact, I think he's been holding back."
"Your Majesty, I am so sorry…" she started but the King smiled indulgently.
"I mean it, my Lady. I told Cullen not to address me as his King, so he did."
"Oh don't start acting magnanimous now." Cullen said, causing Josephine to gasp.
"Cullen." She hissed. "What's gotten into you?"
"You didn't tell them, did you?" Alistair asked softly. "I should have known. No matter how much you hate my guts, you'd never speak truly badly about your King, would you?" Josephine thought she heard affection in the King's voice but Cullen's eyes narrowed angrily.
"Are you done being patronising?" He bit out. "Of course I didn't tell them. No matter my personal feelings about you , Ferelden is an important ally to the Inquisition. The Inquisitor has a high opinion of you, so I held my tongue."
Josephine snorted softly, causing both men to look at her surprised. "I'm sorry." She said, with a blush. "You certainly didn't tell us what had happened but you made it no secret that you, um, disliked the King."
Cullen nodded. "True enough." Then his burning gaze returned to Alistair. "Why don't you tell her?"
There was a clear challenge in his tone and Josephine quietly wondered who would come out of this story the worst. She knew that every story had two sides and usually neither was the whole truth but Cullen seemed to be sure that he was the wounded party. Surprisingly, judging by the regretful look on Alistair's face, he seemed to think so, too.
The monarch took a deep breath before he turned slightly towards Josephine. "Cullen and I used to be lovers."
Josephine gasped surprised, even as Cullen snorted.
"Oh, so that's what you want to call it now?"
Alistair frowned slightly at the Ex-Templar. "What else would I call it?"
Cullen's eyes turned to ice. "I recall the phrase 'convenient to fuck' being used last time we spoke."
Alistair winced and Josephine's eyes were wide as saucers and even her extensive etiquette training couldn't help her to keep her mouth from gaping.
"For three years we'd been together, or so I was led to believe." Cullen continued. "As it turned out, all those stolen kisses and whispered promises were just to soften me up so his royal bastard would have easy access to sex. He made sure to inform me what he truly thought of me before he left to become a Grey Warden."
He looked at Alistair with an expression Josephine had never seen before nor expected to ever see on their stoic Commander. He looked absolutely heart broken and for the very first time she knew him, she considered that maybe all that trauma in his past wasn't the only reason he was so guarded. Alistair, meanwhile, stared at the floor, so Cullen shook his head softly, sighing resignedly, and turned back to his desk.
"As you can see, Josephine, there is nothing left to be said. I will conduct myself in a professional manner from here on out, as long as his Majesty refrains from venturing into personal territory. And now, I'd like to return to my work."
He sat behind his desk and demonstratively pulled out a report to read. Josephine sighed softly but decided against pushing the situation further right then and turned to leave. She was stopped by a quiet confession from Alistair.
"I lied."
"Yes, that too." Cullen agreed, not looking up from the report but Josephine saw the anguish in the King's eyes.
"No, I...I lied when I told you that I didn't care for you. That you...us...that it was just out of convenience. I tried to convince you that you didn't matter to me, but you did. You were everything to me."
Finally Cullen looked up with a frown. "And you expect me to believe that? Why would you try to convince me of that?"
Alistair took a shaky breath. "When Duncan conscripted me, I begged him, begged him to conscribe you as well. At first he told me that he shouldn't abuse the right to conscribe, that one recruit was enough but as I kept nagging him, he finally told me that you had been the Grand Cleric's first choice to compete in the tournament but you had declined because you didn't want to become a Grey Warden. He told me he wouldn't conscribe you against your will."
There was a long silence in which Josephine felt incredibly uncomfortable. Cullen seemed to mull the new information over in his mind, trying to make it fit with the way he thought of Alistair but couldn't, so his voice was wavering slightly when he finally asked:
"If you wanted to be with me...why did you leave at all? I understand you didn't necessarily want to be a Templar, not as much as I did anyway, but we'd have been together."
Alistair shook his head sadly. "She knew, Cullen. The day she told me I wasn't allowed to compete in the tournament, she told me that she knew about us. She said that I was corrupting you and she would make sure you and I would never, ever be stationed together. She said she'd make sure I wouldn't ruin your life." He huffed a sarcastic laugh. "It took me years to realise that she only let me compete after you had declined. Some part of me thinks she was torn between wanting me gone and not giving me my wish to become a Grey Warden."
Both Cullen and Josephine stared at Alistair in stunned silence for a moment before Cullen drew an unstable breath. "You still didn't have to make me think you didn't care."
Alistair smiled such a melancholy smile that it made Josephine's heart ache. "But I did. I knew that it was the end of us. Whether I stayed or left, you'd be sent to Kinloch to finish your training there and I'd rot in that monastery or I'd leave with Duncan. But I knew that if I told you the truth, you'd try to fight for us. Somehow you'd try for us to be together and you'd piss off so many people who would make your life a living hell. I knew the only way you'd let me go and move on was if I made you hate me. I had to break your heart so I wouldn't prove the Grand Cleric right and destroy your life."
Josephine held her breath as she waited for Cullen to react to Alistair's confession. She felt terribly out of place and yet, she couldn't move a single muscle, worried that if she did draw any attention to herself the stubborn man behind the desk would withdraw and seal his feelings away again. After what felt like hours he finally answered.
"I lied, too."
Alistair sighed. "I know. You told me the Grand Cleric hadn't allowed you to compete, either."
Cullen shook his head. "Yes, but that's not what I meant. When she told me I'd compete I told her I didn't want to become a Grey Warden because I knew you weren't allowed. I always knew that there was a chance that we wouldn't be stationed together, especially if anybody found out about us, but I thought maybe the Grey Wardens would be more lenient. So, I thought both of us becoming Wardens might be the solution but then you weren't allowed so I figured, I'd rather take my chances with the order than become a Warden and definitely never see you again."
Josephine tried her hardest to keep in any tears that threatened to spill over, and looking over at Alistair she found him in a similar state. How different things could have been for those two men if they had just been open and honest about everything but at the same time she couldn't fault them for lying because they had only ever tried to protect each other.
Alistair finally succumbed, tears breaking free with a hiccup. "I never stopped loving you, Cullen. There were so many times, Kinloch, Kirkwall...I saw you and every cell in my body screamed at me to go to you, to pull you from whatever pit you found yourself in but I thought I would just make it worse. There was no way I could just take you with me and care for you the way I always wanted."
"I suppose nothing has changed in that regard." Cullen replied sullenly.
"Maybe it has." Josephine interjected, making both men look at her surprised, as if they had forgotten she was there. "Sorry to interrupt" She continued, "but now that the immediate threat of Corypheus is gone I'm sure we can arrange for pretty regular diplomatic visits. And once the Inquisition has done its job, who's to say that the Commander can't relocate to Denerim and who would truly object if the King offered the decorated Commander a new post? I'm sure it's not a fairytale happy ending but it's something."
When Cullen looked back at Alistair he could see the hope shining in his eyes. "Josephine, please don't take this the wrong way but...I think his Majes- Alistair and I need a moment of privacy."
She smiled. "Of course, Cullen. I will make sure nobody disturbs you." She went to the door but stopped once more. "And if there is anything I can do to help, just let me know."
"Thank you, Lady Ambassador." Alistair answered but didn't take his eyes off Cullen. He waited until he heard the door shut. "So? We would have to keep it quiet, possibly forever, but she is right. It’s something.”
Cullen nodded slowly. “It’s definitely more than nothing…I…” he sighed, “I need you to understand, Alistair, that I’ve spent the last decade wanting to hate you. I believed I had every reason to do so but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t truly believe that you meant all of those things you said because then you weren’t the man I thought you were and everything I felt for you would have also been a lie. If we are to do this, I understand that we will have to find excuses to see each other and we will have to lie to a lot of people,”
“Like my entire kingdom and most of Orlais.” Alistair grinned softly.
“Yes, that.” Cullen smirked back. “But I need to know that whatever happens there will never be another lie between us. Even if you think the truth is going to hurt me and you want to protect me, promise me that from now on you will always tell me the truth.”
Alistair stepped up to Cullen and took both his hands. "I promise." He swore solemnly.
Cullen smiled and leaned in for a short, affectionate kiss. When they parted Alistair sighed with a smile of his own but then got serious again.
"To honour that promise, there is something I must tell you."
A pit formed in Cullen's stomach. "What?"
"You know when I first got here and you guys all greeted me in the Great Hall. I went to take a rest after the long trip…"
"Yes?" Cullen asked, confused. What could he have done in that time?
"Well, I went to that room your Lady Ambassador had prepared for me and…" a grin finally broke through on the King's face, "I had the biggest wank ever. I mean, seriously, you do realise you're supposed to grow older, not hotter, right?"
As the tension snapped, Cullen couldn't help but laugh. "You're one to talk, coming here with that beard and the long hair," he said, stroking his thumb over the beard framing Aistair's jaw, "looking all regal and exuding power and confidence. I was sure you did it on purpose just to torture me."
"That's what happens when people tell you to stand up straight for a decade." Alistair chuckled. "Suddenly I have posture and it's actually a good thing to be ridiculously tall."
Cullen snorted. "You've been told to stand up straight your entire life, you just never listened."
Alistair straightened up, the slight height difference of the two tall men forcing Cullen to look up as Alistair brushed their noses together. “I don’t remember you complaining when I kept my lips within reach.”
“I’m not about to start.” Cullen assured and ever so slightly rose onto his toes to catch aforementioned lips in a heated kiss.