Chapter Text
Disclaimer: I do not own The Witcher on Netflix nor the books or the other show version.
.
XOXOXO
He doesn’t know how he got here. No matter what he does, it seems like he can’t get a moment to even breathe anymore. Not even in his own home. He thinks back to yesterday morning and damns himself for not keeping his mouth shut. Maybe if he did he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.
This morning started out so normal, everyone eating their breakfast quietly while Vesemir assigned them each tasks to help repair what was damaged from the battle with Voleth Meir caused almost a fortnight ago, when all of a sudden, Lambert, his annoying little brother had to open his big fat mouth.
“Oi, Geralt! Tell your bard to sing us some songs tonight. Maybe your little friend will be able to cheer this hellish place up!” He says in his usual loud and obnoxious way that he’s come to know and love.
“He’s not my friend.” He speaks into his bowl of porridge without thinking and as soon as the words leave his lips, the whole room goes silent. He can almost taste this kind of silence, it was bitter and leaves a horrible lingering taste in his mouth.
He looks up and sees the confused looks of his brothers. His mentor looks almost disappointed, while Yen and Ciri look downright pissed. Surprisingly, it is only the bard in question that didn’t seem to stop at his words. Usually he would make a comment to argue his denial of friendship, but this time, nothing. He finds himself almost disappointed that Jaskier didn’t argue this time.
Before he could say anything and probably stick his foot further in his mouth, Vesemir speaks up. “Ciri, why don’t you show the bard the library? I’ve been meaning to ask him if he could organize while he was here. I could use the help of such an educated person.”
Ciri looks like she wants to argue to stay and watch this whole thing unfold; because while she was being trained as a witcher, she was still a young woman who grew up listening to spicy gossip and she hasn’t gotten her fill in years. However, one look from Yen showed that she would tell her everything later, so she gets up and motions Jaskier to follow her. He follows her silently and Geralt can’t help but be surprised at his silence once more.
He can’t remember the last time Jaskier was this silent and he really doesn’t like it.
He goes back to eating his food, knowing everyone still in the breakfast hall was still looking at him. He won’t have to wait long before someone speaks and he refuses for it to be him this time. He thinks he needs to go back to grunts and hums.
Yennefer gets up and practically stomps towards him and stands at the seat across from him, waiting for him to look at her. When he finally does, he’s surprised at the venom in her stare. Since she followed him to Kaer Morhen, she’s been trying to prove herself trustworthy to him and his kin to make up for her betrayal at stealing Ciri. For her to go back to her fiery personality over this, he knows he did something truly wrong in her eyes.
“You mean to tell me witcher.” She practically spits his title at him, causing him and his brothers to wince.
“That even now, almost ten years since I’ve known you two idiots, you still refuse to call that man your friend!?”
She is practically vibrating with anger as she looks down at him and long ago that look would have had him on his knees for her, now the only thing he can do is look away.
He grunts, trying almost desperately to get out of this conversation but Yen doesn’t let up.
“Over twenty fucking years he stood by you; endured your cruelty and the pain of your choices and still NOTHING!? I called him my friend after he saved my life the very next day!” She exclaims and he shoots his head up.
“He saved your life? He told me you saved his.”
Yen shakes her head with an almost fond expression on her face. As if she couldn’t believe he would admit to her saving him while keeping it secret that he saved her as well. It surprised him when he reunited with his old bard to hear him defend the witch he hated not too long ago. What happened in Oxenfurt?
“Did he tell you what I saved him from?” She asks him, finally using a calmer tone. She looked like she already knew the answer, but unlike before where she would hold the information he didn’t know over his head, she looks like she wants to tell him.
He shakes his head and she frowns.
“If he didn’t tell you, it’s because he doesn’t want you to know and I won’t go by his wishes. I will say this though Geralt: you owe him a lot more than either of you realize. I just didn’t realize the words he spoke he believed them to be true”
“What words.
“That you have no weakness and you have no friends.”
She shakes her head at him again, as if she was disappointed by this entire conversation and moved to walk away. However, he moves his hand out to stop her, just stopping himself from touching her.
“What happened between you both?” He had to know. Something wasn’t right here. These two hated each other and since they arrived in Kaer Morhen, they’ve been almost attached to the hip, not counting when they were with Ciri.
She takes a deep breath, and he knows she’s getting ready to reveal something true about herself. She did the same thing when she told him about her Elven heritage and the procedure she went through to change her appearance.
“In my darkest hour, when I had no one; Jaskier was the one who was there for me without real judgment, helped me without wanting something in return, and refused to kick me when I was down when he had every chance to. He became someone I knew I could trust; a rare light in a sea of darkness. There’s a reason he’s become a legend.” She answers before walking out of the great hall, leaving him and his family to mull over her words.
He shouldn’t be so surprised that Jaskier became important to Yen. He had a great ability to see the very best in people, a trait he’s had since the moment they met. When he was still grieving Renfri and the world knew him as a Butcher, Jaskier, barely a man at that point, strolled over to him with a confidence he didn’t deserve at the time, and became someone to him. He followed him even knowing who he was and refused to leave; determined to change the continent’s views of him as if he knew upon looking at him, that he wasn’t a monster like people thought.
Yen went to him when she didn’t have her magic, when she was on the run from her people, for what he still doesn’t know, and found him. She’s right, Jaskier had many chances to kick her while she was down and from what she says, he refused and helped her instead, gaining not only her trust but her loyalty. Not many people could claim to have Yennefer of Vengerberg’s loyalty and protection and it seems like Jaskier finally made the cut.
He wonders what she means when she called him a legend and hopes he remembers to ask the man when he sees him again and they have a chance to actually talk. Since they reunited it seems they haven’t actually spoken since that day over the mountain when Jaskier asked him to the coast.
“Why did you bring him here Geralt?” Vesemir’s voice cut through the silence. He looks at his mentor and at this point is waiting to be scolded once more. He’s not entirely sure why the old witcher would scold him, but it’s what he’s expecting nonetheless.
“You know only people we can trust are allowed here. When the bard arrived with Ciri, we assumed he was the bard that was working to change our reputation all these years which is why we allowed him to stay. Yet after twenty five years, you can’t call him a friend, which makes me think he is not trustworthy and he needs to leave.”
He shakes his head violently. Jaskier leaving was not an option. Him not calling Jaskier a friend was not a testament to the man being untrustworthy but explaining that to the other witchers seems to be an issue.
“He is trustworthy. After Yen took Ciri, I knew he was the only one I’d trust with her. The only one.” He says looking at Vesemir remembering how the old witcher was willing to inject HIS child with a poison to attempt to make a witcher. A part of himself will never fully trust Vesemir with his child, but he also couldn’t alienate what allies he does have, especially someone who raised him.
He gets up, needing to get away from this conversation and out of his head when Lambert pipes up once more.
“Wolf, you make no fucking sense you know!”
Yeah he did know.
XOXOXO
He doesn’t hear anything else about the subject for the rest of the day thank the gods. The other witchers don’t say anything else, even though they are now more weary of the human; thinking there was something more sinister about him to not have the title of friend to the person he traveled with for decades. Yen seems to have dropped the subject and is sticking by the bard’s side with Ciri who no doubt found out what happened and was now angry and even confused by the looks she keeps giving him. He never spoke of Jaskier to Ciri but she seemed to realize that entrusting her with him after Yen betrayed him was a major thing, and doesn’t understand why he seems to be denying their friendship.
Jaskier seems to be the only one unchanged by what happened. If anything he seems a little bit happier since yesterday. He is fluttering around, banging his hands on his thighs to create a melody, he even did a small performance with some spoons of the song he was singing when he was in jail.
Ciri, Coen, and Lambert loved the song and asked for an encore which he was more than happy to do for such a willing audience. The three clapped their hands to the makeshift music, laughing as they sang the chorus with him. He can’t even bring himself to chaste Ciri for her language for it’s the happiest he’s seen her since her possession.
At the end of the song, they’re all clapping, himself included before Yennefer stands up and everyone gives her their attention.
“I think it’s time I collect some of the debts owed to me.” Her words seemed to cause him and Jaskier to freeze in almost horror. The others look on weary on where this was going, yet Ciri looks at everyone pleased. Clearly, the witch revealed her plans to the younger girl and she approved of whatever is going to happen.
“Ah of course my dear. What is it you request? A good hair wash, I can braid all that hair into something artistic? Mend something? Write you a song where you aren’t the she-demon we know you are.” Jaskier winks at his new friend, using humor to mask his nervousness. The witchers in the room could smell his fear and that was alarming to him. It’s not something he smells on the man often.
She gives him a small, almost sad smile before shaking her head.
“No, but I do want you to give a performance.” She tells him and while he can hear his heart speed up, he gives a fake smile. It seemed like Jaskier knew where this was going yet was denying it to himself.
“Why of course! What would you like to hear acapella? I can do Fishmonger’s Daughter? One of my wonderful ballads? Toss a Coin?”
She shakes her head again.
“I want you to play ‘Burn’ the song I heard in Oxenfurt.” She tells him. His eyes widen before glancing at him and quickly looking back to the magic wielder.
“Well…while I would LOVE to play that song, I’m afraid that’s not a song I can do acapella.” He lies smoothly and with her magic, Yennefer pulls out a simple lute.
“Not a problem.” Her face looks almost pained at her own request, as if she knows what she’s asking from him is a lot but she’s refusing to back down.
“Yennefer…please don’t make me do this.” He whispers his plea to her and she takes his hand in hers.
“You need to do this Bard.” She tells him softly.
“Read my mind.” He demands and she looks taken back by his request.
“You’re giving me permission?” She looks surprised at his nod, as if she actually needs his approval before focusing on him.
Whatever he says to her doesn’t sway her request but she nods all the same, making him take the lute from her. Before he can start though, Yennefer focused her gaze on him.
“I’m collecting my debt from you as well Geralt of Rivia.” She announces and he almost sneers at her. Whatever her plan is, she has some nerve asking him for shit after what she’s pulled on his child.
“ I don’t owe you a thing, witch.” He growls and her gazes darkened.
“I never collected your debt from saving your companion after your wish with a Dijnn almost killed him. I seem to recall you saying ‘whatever the price’. Well now it’s time to pay up.” She shoots back at him causing him to flinch. A part of him knows that Jaskier figured out it was his wish that caused the attack on his life but to have it said so plainly makes his guilt fester even more than it already has even after all these years. He never meant to harm the man, and he’s regretted not apologizing to him after it happened. He was too caught up with Yennefer and what he wished for.
“What do you want?” He asks her coldly.
“For you to stay the whole song and when it’s over, tell the truth.”
He says nothing to her demand, but he makes himself comfortable in his seat and stares at Jaskier who looks like he wants nothing more than to run out of Kaer Morhen and never come back.
“I should have known you only healed me for a price. Just when I thought you were my friend.” Jaskier grumbles in a way he knows he’s trying to cover up just how devastated he really was. Yennefer seems to know as well because she looks at him again and puts her hand on his arm. She looks almost hurt when he flinches away from her.
“I am your friend Jaskier, which is why this needed to be done. When the muses stopped speaking to you, you found a new purpose and you helped me realize mine. The Sandpiper, the man, the myth, the legend. I’m trying to help you get that spirit back.”
He doesn’t reply but he does start tuning his new appointed lute, making him wonder just what happened while they were apart. What happened to his old lute? Jaskier never went anywhere without it. When he rescued the man from prison, he was too preoccupied by Ciri and Yen that he didn’t notice that Jaskier didn’t have his beloved instrument on him until after Ciri was released from her possession. And why did Yennefer call him the Sandpiper? That name sounded somewhat familiar but he spent the last two years in the Keep, not knowing exactly what happened down below besides chaos.
When the lute is ready, Jaskier takes a deep breath and starts playing. He doesn’t recognize the melody which means he wrote it after the mountain. He knows the man wants to get through this quickly but never one to give a bad performance, still puts his ‘Bard face’ on before he starts singing.
I hear you're alive, how disappointing
I've also survived, no thanks to you
Did I not bring you some glee
Mister, oh, look at me
Now I'll burn all the memories of you
Well, it didn’t take a genius to figure out who this song was about. Jaskier isn’t looking at anyone while he sings, almost fearful of everyone’s reactions; a big change from how the man usually performs. It almost pains him even if the sound is a little insulting. He’s not a show off.
All those lonely miles that you ride
Now you'll walk with no one by your side
Did you ever even care
With your swords and your stupid hair?
Now watch me laugh as I burn all the memories of you
He tries not to think about what happened after the mountain hunt. How he lost Yen, knowing no matter what happened between them, the question of the sincerity of their bond would never really go away. How he pushed away the one person in his life that was there by choice. Not Destiny, not the Law of Surprise, not the Trials. No, this man was the only one to take one look at him and try his fucking hardest to be a part of his life, and he pushed him away. Again he tries to ignore the comment about his hair.
What for d'you yearn?
It's the point of no return
After everything we did, we saw
You turned your back on me
What for d'you yearn?
Watch that butcher burn
How many times did Jaskier ask him what he wanted from life, what pleased him. And every single time he pushed him away never giving him a clear answer until the mountain. He sees now the man made his own assumption on what truly pleased him. He thinks that being out of a witcher’s life is his life’s blessing… How the fuck does he explain this?! He doesn’t know how he got here. No matter what he does, it seems like he can’t get a moment to even breathe anymore. Not even in his own home. He thinks back to yesterday morning and damns himself for not keeping his mouth shut.
At the end of my days when I'm through
No word that I've written will ring quite as true as "burn!"
Burn, butcher, burn
Burn, butcher, burn
Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn
Watch me burn all the memories of you
As the song ends, Jaskier almost whispering the end of his song, he practically throws the lute out of his hands before looking at him, trying to see his reaction. Lambert, Coen, Vesemir, Ciri, and Yen all get up to walk out of the room and give them a moment. Of course Lambert pats the man on his shoulder making a comment about that song being better than ‘Toss a Coin’ before it is just them in the hall.
“I’ll leave come morning.” Jaskier breaks the silence and he gives the man a confused and pained look. He recalls making the same face when he finally saw Jaskier again after the mountain , right before the man hugged him for the first time. He told Jaskier he missed him too, wishing and hoping the man did actually miss him. Now he’s not so sure he did miss him.
“Why would you leave?” He can’t help but ask. If anything he should be the one who leaves. He clearly fucked up a lot more than he knew if this is the song that came out of it. This wasn’t just artistic license like his songs about Geralt’s hunts, this song was raw, true, and showed just how badly he hurt him.
“Oh I don’t know, maybe because I wrote a song calling you the one thing I know that hurts you?! You may never have told me what happened in Blakaven but I know there is more than the rumors told which is why I never brought it up again after Posada. Calling you a butcher was a big betrayal.” He admits and folds his arms close to his chest as if protecting himself from an inevitable hit. Physical or emotional he wasn’t sure.
“The song could be about anyone.” He can’t help but offer, causing Jaskier to laugh hollowly in his throat.
“I can try and sell that story to the public but we both know that song is about you.”
Of course he knows it’s about him and he’s sure people around the continent think it’s about him too, it’s not exactly a subtle name considering before he met Jaskier, he was the Butcher. Jaskier was the one who gave him the name the White Wolf, it’s only fitting that he should be the one to take that title away.
“I owe a debt to tell the truth …” He starts to say but Jaskier shakes his head.
“No, just don’t Geralt. I’d rather not hear it if I’m being honest. You have made it quite clear what you think about my songs and what you think of me. I can just tell the witch you said it was a crap song and be done with it. She probably thought the song was ironic after what happened with Rience.”
“Who is Reince?” He asks confused once again.
“Oh I guess you never got his name, Yennefer calls him FireFucker. He found me in Oxenfurt, she saved me from him burning me alive, not just…” He stops himself realizing he said too much and looks at Geralt in horror at the murderous look on his face.
“Not just what!? He hurt you?” He growls at the thought of that fucker touching Jaskier. No one touches him, hurts him and lives. He should have ripped his stupid face right off his neck. Next time he sees him, he will make him hurt.
“Doesn’t matter, she healed me, that’s why I owed her one. I didn’t tell him anything useful anyway.” He tries waving it off but now he can see just how much that experience changed him. He isn’t stupid, he can connect the dots; Jaskier took a beating and torture for him.
And he can’t even call him his fucking friend. He can’t call him that because he’s never been his friend, he’s always been so much more than that. Jaskier brought a light into his life when he wanted nothing more than to give up. Give up on humanity, on his purpose, just stop fighting so hard to fight monsters when the public viewed him as one himself. He came in fresh eyed and filled with wonder and showed him he was a good person, that he deserved kindness without an agenda. He isn’t just a friend, he just could never come up with a good enough name for what he truly is.
“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to explain myself a little bit better.”
“You don’t have to…”
He shakes his head in denial.
“I want to.”
And that’s how they ended up alone in the great hall alone, actually talking to each other without jokes, grunts, or metaphor. They talk and speak honestly for probably the first time in over twenty years. He finds out just how badly his words have hurt the bard and he gives a much better apology than the one he gave on top of New Roach. He tells Jaskier that he trusts him more than anyone in the world and he hopes to gain the other’s trust back. Jaskier tells him he never lost it, he will always have faith in him and trust him with his life.
“Why did Yen look so surprise when you gave her permission into your mind?” He can’t help but ask, remembering the truly surprised look on her face.
“Oh, she can’t go into my mind unless I let her. I would block her out when she used to try.” He shrugged .
“You can block Yennefer from entering your mind?! How???” He can’t think of any human that can do that!
“Not sure, I could always block people from entering my thoughts or try to manipulate me by magic.” He answers honestly but he can tell he’s curious on how he has that ability. Maybe soon they can look for answers together.
“You’re not my friend Jaskier.” He tells him and the young man smiles sadly.
“I know.”
“You’re more than a friend. I just can’t think of what to call you.” He admits and Jaskier just puts his hand over his.
“We’ll work on it. Right now I’m just your Jaskier.”
His Jaskier. Yeah, he likes the sound of that.
His.
The END.