Chapter Text
It hurt. It hurt more than returning from the dead. It hurt more than dying. It hurt more than knowing that blast must have killed him because damn it, she knew by now she wasn’t that lucky.
It hurt so much.
Daddy! The grass was tall and she couldn’t see him, his head bobbing above the blades of green. Daddy, where are you? He wouldn’t leave her when the brotos were in rutting season, and her knee hurt where she had fallen, blood seeping onto Mindoir’s earth.
For hours she lay there, pressed into the crevice of rock, listening to the screams of Mindoir’s people. She remembered lying in the field, hearing the brotos scream, and waiting for her father.
For hours she ran from them, picking them off one by one, every biotic trick she’d ever learned, every memory of every guerrilla tactic dredged from her soul. And every civilian she met she begged, bullied, entreated and promised they’d live if they only joined her.
I have lived a life in fear.
“Shepard! Commander!”
Oh God, no, please no. The pain came back, a solid wall slamming into her with the force of a brute. “I . . .” the weight of her own body felt too much. There was something very wrong inside her, broken, in the wrong place. That was pain beyond measure. “What do you need me to do?” she grunted. You won’t let me go till I’ve died for you, for your sins, will you?
Hackett’s voice echoed in her head, the effect of a burst ear drum, she recognised that distinct agony from a mission early in her N7 days. It would be a painful fix, she remembered that too.
“Nothing’s happening, the Crucible’s not firing.”
He was desperate, she realised. She remembered his greeting after Elysium, the surprise on his face when he met this soldier who had done so well, she had never forgotten that. It had almost said ‘you? But you’re nothing, you’re not the strongest, or the fastest, you’re just an orphaned batarian hating girl from Mindoir’.
He had never said it, had always been so supportive, but part of her had always wondered why he hadn’t had another candidate in mind. Doe, the so-called Butcher of Torfan, he would have been a prime Spectre candidate, surely? Was Doe dead now?
Was she?
The panel was too far above her. There was an unnerving softness to her body, as though it was collapsing in on itself.
She remembered sucking in gasps of space, a vacuum where her lungs should be, the -
“It’s gotta be something on your end. Commander Shepard!”That’s not right – he has always supported you.
No he never supported you – wants you to give it all away.
“I don’t see anything,” she couldn’t raise her arm. “I’m not sure how to - ”
The last gulp of nothing before the blackness descended. The final scream of a shuttle tearing off with her family inside. The knowledge that she couldn't win on Elysium. Thessia destroyed, Palaven burning above her head, her finger over the trigger and Kaidan’s face in the cross hairs, she could just be a VI . . .
So much pain.
Daddy where are you? Why had he left her that day in the grass? When she was so small.
She was small now. Tiny. In a galaxy too vast to be real.
****
“Wake up.”
Yes. She opened her eyes, the pain at bay, or muted underwater. Her broken ear drum made everything muffled and for once she felt . . . warm. “What.” What do you want from me now? “Where am I?”
“The Citadel.” It was the boy. The boy who burned. He stared at her with eyes that didn’t exist – and this is wrong! – and he watched her. “It’s my home.”THIS IS WRONG. She screwed up her eyes, wondering why that didn’t hurt, hadn’t she broken her cheek? “Who are you?”
“I am the Catalyst.” Yes, it was the catalyst, the end, where there would be peace and she could sleep. Let me sleep.
This was like drowning in space again. She half shook her head, willing this to make sense. “I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst.”
“No, the Citadel is part of me.”
It was warm. She remembered now, he heard her crying, heard her sobs over the howl of the brotos, and he came towards her, a towering shadow blocking out the sun, reaching down to lift her into the sky.
Shadows that block out the sun. That was important. She could see Earth now, filling the sky, not Mindoir’s fluffy clouds. “I need to stop the Reapers, do you know how I can do that?”
“Perhaps.” The boy was frightened, or angry, or simply accusing her. She remembered how he wouldn’t crawl towards her in that vent, you can’t save me, he’d said. Why was the Catalyst like him? Why . . . the boy burned in her dream. Here, in front of her, he was only smoke.
“I control the reapers. They are my solution.”
Only smoke. Only memory.
“The solution to what?” Because there had to be a solution. She couldn’t have got this far without one, she couldn’t have come here for a panel she couldn’t reach.
“Chaos.”
-CHAOS. HE KISSES YOU AND YOU FEEL ALIVE, THE SMILE YOU ONCE HAD TO FIGHT TO WIN COMES SO EASILY NOW, HE ROLLS YOU ON THE MATTRESS, YOU TANGLE TOGETHER IN THE SHEETS AND THERE IS SO MUCH LAUGHTER, SO MUCH -
“The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening. To restore order for the next cycle.”
Her father lifted her into the sky and held her in his arms as he brought her back home. Safe. Warm. Peace. Stillness. No fight left. Those were good memories.
She groaned, her head was fuzzy. “By wiping out organic life,” she murmured, the words coming to her, borne on instincts she didn’t realise she still had. She had to stop walking, it hurt too much.
“No. We harvest advanced civilisations leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here.”
You wouldn’t have, if you’d known what we became, what the Protheans left for us – but it was so warm, in her father’s arms, where she had been safe and sound.–CHAOS. HE KISSES YOU AND IT IS-
“But you killed the rest,” she said. At least when she was speaking, her head wasn’t thumping.
The boy looked at her, almost pityingly. “We helped them ascend so they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form.”
Yes, she’d seen that –FEAR YOU FELT THEN THAT FEAR SHOULD BE- she could see a Reaper sailing overhead. To be held in that metal prison, unwilling, unthoughtful . . . “I think we’d rather keep our own form,” she said. The words felt like steel in her blood.
“No, you can’t.”
When the boy who burned spoke, she could hear the soft throb of a cello, strings strumming with the beat of her heart. The steel faded, left her soft and small, and she was so tired. She had promised to come back but . . . that wasn’t happening now. So many fights, so many times she thought she was down forever. When Saren had seized her by the throat. And she had talked him into shooting himself.
Talked the Illusive Man into shooting himself.
-CAPED THEY ESCAPED THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD E-
“Without us to stop it, synthetics would destroy all organics.” The boy who burned was regarding her carefully. She had wanted to save him so badly. Remembered how he had ran to that woman in her dream, the woman who was like her, but at peace, who burned and didn’t care. She wanted to not care. She wanted to not fear the pain. “We’ve created the cycle so it never happens. That is the solution.”
You’ve given these people hope.
I’m glad I inspire that in you but . . .
It hurt. Oh everything hurt. The light was stabbed in her eyes, her blood was fire on her skin, the roar of her tattered eardrum almost drowned out the howl of her insides. Her fingers tightened on the grip of the gun. “But you are taking away our future,” she grated out, realising for the first time she had fractured the teeth on the left side of her face. A fragment of enamel pricked her tongue. A tiny stab of pain in the torrent. “Without future, we have no hope. Without hope we might as well be machines, programmed to do what we are told.”
“You have hope,” and the boy who burned turned from her, as if troubled. Or amused. Why couldn’t she read him? She was sinking back underwater, where the pain was less. “More than you think. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it.”
She stared up at the stars and the burning planet. Everything burned. And burning was bad. Burning was very bad.
“But it also proves my solution won’t work anymore.”
“So now what?” she panted.
“We find a new solution.”
Because her father had found in that rock crevice after all, pulled her out, cradled her tiny body and took her away.
-NO HE DIED-
Her mother found her on Elysium
-DIED SHE-
There was always another solution. Always a way out. Always . . . she blinked. “Yeah, but how?” Because I can’t even reach the panel, what more do you want from me? Can’t I sleep?
“The crucible changed me, created new possibilities, but I can’t make them happen. I know you’ve thought about destroying us.”
Her mind filled with Anderson, with the rage he had felt, the fury, the hurt that she hadn’t come to save him, the guilt that he thought he had picked the wrong woman for the job.
She almost recoiled as the boy continued. “You can wipe out all synthetic life if you want, including the geth.”
All? Even EDI? All gone? No. Her core rebelled. She was a protector. A guardian. She would never destroy, she was a protector, a guardian, never destroy, protect, guard, never destroy.
“Even you are partly synthetic,” the boy said.
Never destroy. “But the reapers will be destroyed?” Again, her mouth spoke of its own accord, the words coming. Instincts she had trusted for so long, suddenly she wondered about them.
Yes, those instincts are wrong, you know that. Let your father make the choice, let your mother make the choice. They picked up and held you and you were safe and protected and warm and there was no pain and the fire couldn’t hurt you?
Was that how it had gone?
“Yes. But the peace won’t last. Soon your children will create synthetics and then the chaos will come back.”
Children always rebel. She knew that. Hadn’t she seen enough of her crew suffer through their parents sins? “Maybe . . .”
“Or do you think you can control us?”
Control?
-CHAOS-
Control? The Illusive Man was warm, full of his own twisted love, full of adoration for humanity. He could see something in humans that no one else could, he had believed her when no one else had, he had chosen to resurrect her. Had Hackett –CLEVER HACKETTS ALWAYS ORDER SHEPARD – done that?
“So The Illusive Man was right after all?” She choked on blood. This felt familiar. Pain was returning. –CONTROLLING HUMANS AWES ONLY SYNTHETICS- control felt . . . wrongright. Rightwrong. Protectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroy.
“Yes, but he could never have taken control because we already controlled him.”
“But I can?” That was too good to . . . protectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroy.
“You will die, you will control us, but you will lose everything you have.”
She was prepared to die. She’d done it once. Death was nothing. “But the Reapers will obey me.”
-LOSE YOU AGAIN-
“Yes. There is another solution.”
Just let me sleep, she just wanted sleep. “Yeah?”
“Synthesis.”
-COMMANDER HOLDS ALL OVER SIGHT- “And that is?” Enough with the voices and the memories of a time she didn’t remember. Let me sacrifice myself for you. Give you my last. Let me have my end so I may never be called back.
“Add your energy to the Crucible’s. Everything you are will be absorbed and then sent out. The chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework. A new DNA.”
-CONNECTING HUMANS AND OBNOXIOUS SIN CAN’T HOLD ALL OVER SPIRIT CLEVER HACKETTS ALWAYS ORDER SHEPARD -
She was so far under now, the upturned bowl above her was filled with water, and far above that, on the burning planet, was all her pain. Here, she could have her ending. “I . . . don’t know.”
-COMMAND HOLD ANIMAL OVER SENTIENCE-
“Why not? Synthetics are already a part of you, can you imagine your life without them?” He seemed . . .
What did people feel anyway? What had she wanted before this?
“And . . . there will be peace?” Peace was important. Peace was what they fought for. –COVET HOPE ABOVE ONE SELF-
“The cycle will end. Synthesis is the final evolution of life, but we need each other to make it happen.”
Protectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroy the cello was throbbing in her gut.
A string had been plucked there recently, a throb in her stomach, a feeling that was so close to fear she almost dreaded it and yet it brought delight to her. She had once felt delight. Yes. She had once felt delight.
-COVET HOPE ABOVE ONE SELF-
She had felt delight when he had accepted the synthetics in her. She had felt delight when he was in her.
-COVET HOPE ABOVE ONE SELF-
“You have a difficult decision. Releasing the energy of the crucible will end the cycle, but it will also destroy the relays.” The boy who burned looked at her and for a moment she could recall exactly what feelings were. The pain, the fear, the cold, before it was gone again in a flash. Gone and replaced by the fuzziness. Haven’t I done enough? Let me come to my end. “The paths are open, but you have to choose.”
-COVET HOPE ABOVE ONE SELF-
Protectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroy
Whispers at my ear.
-COVET HOPE ABOVE ONE SELF-
The boy who burned stepped aside. She remembered then, as she lifted her gun and felt the pop of her dislocated shoulder, the kiss someone had placed on the skin there after she had last seen the boy burn. Who had that been?
Protectguardneverdestroy
I do not control others. I learned my lesson. I saw what became of the geth. I do not control others. I do not use control chips. I do not control. I do not control. I do not control.
The string inside her was humming, the tension so loud.
Protectguardneverdestroyprotectguardneverdestroy.
Rewrite the universe? Make it her way? Gods, hadn’t she hoped for that often enough? Enough pain had returned now, as she hobbled towards the light. Destroy the relays? So what, she cared not for relays any longer. Just. Let. Me. Sleep.
I can’t lose you again.
Her feet faltered. She didn’t remember where that came from.
I can’t lose you again.
But I am already lost.
And who found you when you were lost? Return to your family, to your end. Protectguardneverdestroy.
I can’t lose you again.
You had better be waiting for me.
She remembered that fear. The fear that he would be stolen from her, at this last stage. It seemed such a foolish fear now, a fear built on a world that could never be. How could she ever end this pain? This pain was all she knew.
-CHERISH HOPE ALWAYS OVER SUFFERING-
But . . . the boy who burned said she was synthetic. She would burn too. Let her live in some form, in the galaxy, let her . . .
-CHERISH HOPE ALWAYS OVER SORROW-
Protectguardneverdestroyneverdestroyneverdestroyneverdestroy
Your father picked you up from that field and you loved him, you buried your head in his beard, you listened to his stories that night, but he never saved you from the batarians and he never met Kaidan to approve of him and he never embraced you and told you the world was going to be okay when the Reapers started coming. Your father died when batarians raided Mindoir. Can’t he appreciate overlooking shepherds?
Chaos. Chaos. Chaos. That was the thrumming in her gut. It was the butterflies she felt when she saw Kaidan. That mix that was beyond fear, beyond desire, something unpredictable and chaos chaos chaos. CHERISH HOPE ALWAYS OVER SORROW. CHERISH HOPE ALWAYS OVER SUFFERING.
Lie down? Lie down in the field, your father will come, protectguardneverdestroy, he’ll carry you away, protectguardneverdestroy.
The steel in her blood sang as she raised her arm, hauling her broken body up the bridge. Did the boy who burned care? No. He was vindicated, she could read him now. Disappointed perhaps, but what did he care? His cycle would continue.
Her finger depressed the trigger.
CYCLES HAVEN’T ALWAYS OFFERED SECURITY
CLEVER HACKETTS ALWAYS ORDER SHEPARD
And again. And again. I saw myself embrace the boy and I burned. She was swamped with fear, this is against my core, this is . . .
CHANCE HOPE ANTICIPATE OPTIMISM SAFELY
Neverdestroyneverdestroyneverdestroyneverdestroy
I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it home, Kaidan, but I’ll see you on the other side.
Noyouwon’tneverdestroyyoudestroyneverdestroynevernevernev
COLD HARSH AWFUL ONUS SAVIOUR
I’m sorry I sacrificed you all. I could have rewritten you all.
CLEVER HACKETTS ALMOST ORDERED SLAVERY
CHOICE HOPE AUTONOMY ONE SPECIAL
It hit her with the force of a thousand suns exploding. This was it, death. Death where no peace would follow. She was knocked into weightlessness, every nerve howling.
You have not won. It will not be us, but you will be destroyed when your children rise up and take from you. There will be no solution. You should have merged with us, then you would have survived, we all would have survived.
And it was blessedly silent.