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There was quite the phenomenon taking place aboard The Revenge.
It had started with Ed. Or at least, Stede’s exposure to it had started with Ed.
When things get to be a bit much for Ed, things change. He acts more childish, more sensitive. He likes to be taken care of, and Stede is more than delighted to provide that care. It was nice for both of them. Stede loves any chance he can get to spoil Ed, and Ed always seems far less tense when it’s all said and done. It relaxes him like nothing else seems to be able to.
And so, observing the everyday stress the crew is often under, what was Stede to do but try to implement what works so well for Ed with the rest of them?
They weren’t all like Ed, of course, but it seems to really work for quite a lot of them.
It all started rather simple, with things that likely wouldn’t push any of them too far out of their comfort zones. There were already things they did that would ease them into this quite easily. The bedtime stories were certainly something that have stood out to Stede ever since being introduced to this little thing Ed does sometimes. Creative projects were common among the crew, as well. Perhaps they were not usually like what Stede is going for this time around, but it was close enough to what they were used to that it was a good way to start easing them into this.
“What are we meant to be drawing exactly?” Pete asks. The whole crew seems a bit perplexed by this impromptu art session.
“Anything you want!” Stede exclaims.
“Why?”
“For fun!” Stede had gone all out for this, acquiring quite the array of art supplies for the crew to work with. This was meant to be relaxing for them. Freeing. They should under no circumstances feel limited by their artistic mediums, and so Stede had ensured they had just about everything at their disposal.
Jim raises their hand to ask a question, though does not wait for Stede to acknowledge them before speaking, in their typical fashion. “Can I draw a guy with his guts spilling out?”
“If that would be fun and relaxing to you, then by all means go ahead!”
Roach raises his hand next, and Stede gives him a quick nod.“Can I also draw a guy with his guts spilling out?”
“No, fuck off, get your own idea!” Jim spits out.
“Now now, Jim.” Stede intervenes. Reluctantly, Jim stands down. “Roach, maybe try to think of something else, okay?”
Roach huffs, but seems as if he’s going to comply.
Stede had expected it to take some time for the crew to warm up to this sort of thing, artistic projects just for the fun of it. But he watches as they all excitedly work on their drawings, some working in paints, others in colorful pastels, and some sticking to simple pencil sketches.
“And what are you drawing? Is that a band of animals?” Stede asks Frenchie. He’s been going around to see what everyone has been working on, and they all seem to be having quite a fun time, to his delight.
“Yeah! So,” Frenchie points to a figure on the paper. “This frog is playing a lute. And this chicken has a violin, and the rabbit has a drum. And the sheep is singing.”
“Excellent work, Frenchie! Your little band looks quite lovely.”
Frenchie beams, going back to coloring in his drawing. Stede moves on to the next person with a smile on his face. This is all going so well!
“Oh… Very good, Jim. The detailing on the uh… The viscera is very… Intricate?” Too intricate for Stede’s comfort, but this wasn’t for him, now was it? And besides, Jim seems quite delighted to be working on it.
“Thanks.” Jim says quietly, strangely genuine. Stede notes that they’ve gotten some red paint on their face. Just as he’s about to point it out to them, Olu reaches over, tilting their face just so to wipe the splash of color from their skin.
“Olu!” Jim huffs, petulant yet not entirely displeased about being fussed over by the looks of it.
Oh, this is going even better than Stede had initially planned. With a grin, he steps away to find Ed.
“Ed! Look!” Stede stage-whispers. “It’s going great. They’re all having fun!”
Ed smiles, arms crossed over his chest. “Yeah?”
“Yes! Look,” Stede points to Olu and Jim. Olu is leaning over Jim’s drawing, saying something as he points to different sections of the page. Whatever Olu is saying, Jim seems amused by it as they continue to paint. At one point, Jim intentionally swipes Olu with their paintbrush. The two laugh.
“See? Oluwande is- He’s-”
“He’s caretaking.” Ed finishes, astonished.
“Yes!”
“Woah.” Ed sounds genuinely surprised. “They caught on fast.”
“Indeed.” Stede agrees.
“Reckon I could join them?” Ed asks, attempting to sound casual but sounding a tad bit sheepish.
“Oh, of course darling.” Stede assures, punctuating himself with a kiss to Ed’s cheek. Ed melts, visibly slipping into that softer mindset. Stede guides him to join the others, helping him get everything he’ll need to create a masterpiece.
So that was how it started.
It had advanced quickly from there. Arts and crafts was followed by daytime stories, followed by games, followed by toys, followed by crew members asking when the next small day would be.
Small seemed to be the word they all agreed upon to describe the phenomenon, and they all know it when they see it. Jim is small when they get even quieter than normal and they seem compelled to climb to the highest point on the ship or hide out to playfully ambush people or get up to any other number of playful —and less stabby than usual— mischief. Lucius is small when he seems particularly eager to show off his drawings. Ed is small when he gets quiet and clingy and far less swear-y than ordinary. There’s a multitude of signs that vary from each of them that indicates they may need a bit of a gentler hand and some time to unwind.
Many of them seem to feel it in varying capacities. Lucius is often far more keen to help look after those feeling small than being small himself, though it certainly does happen. Ed much prefers being small, but doesn’t mind a bit of caretaking when needed.
Not all of them experience this, of course. Buttons seems a bit distant from it all, though he’s certainly friendly enough when presented a drawing or asked to participate in a game. Olu, while not entirely against looking after others, seems mostly concerned with looking after Jim. This is fine of course, primarily because Jim is not very interested in listening to anyone else anyway. Wee John is quite good in some ways, gentle in the ways he needs to be, but firm guidance avoids him. Ivan and Fang often seem at a loss for what to do without instructions from someone, but they’re quite good at helping when told what to do.
Stede, of course, prides himself on being one of the few who was always there to look after anyone who may be feeling small. Were there a day where much of the crew was feeling such a way, he would still be there to take care of each and every one of them.
He reminds himself of this, of how important it is for him to be there for his crew while they're feeling this way. Even if he always has some help, he needs his crew to know that he's the one who will always be available to look after them. Buttons is distant, not exactly the engaging and kind figure they need. Olu is concerned with Jim more than he is with anyone else, and though he’s certainly quite a good caretaker for them, Stede’s not too sure he could handle caring for more than just Jim at one time. Wee John simply doesn’t have the command needed to keep everyone in line when things start to get rough, and he’s not one to do well when comfort is needed. Ivan and Fang are… Trying their best, but were they left in charge, things likely would not go well.
Stede has to be there for his crew on days like this.
It's important he reminds himself of that today. Even when things are feeling strangely off. He's a bit tired today, he'll admit, but the joys of days like this, where a large portion of the crew is feeling small and spending their time together on the deck, that certainly makes it easier.
It’s an easy day, at least. No fights thus far, no fussing, no one has seemed particularly upset by anything. Pete had recently carved a set of little animal figurines, and many of the others have gathered with him to play with them. Pete has learned how to share, thankfully, due to the fact that he’s much more interested in everyone appreciating what he’s made than he is with keeping it all to himself.
A few of the others have occupied themselves with a bit of art, still one of the favorite activities among the crew on small days.
“-ede. Stede?”
“Hmm?”
Frenchie is standing beside him, tugging on his sleeve to his attention. How long had he been standing there? Had he been calling his name? Stede takes a deep breath, trying to regain his focus.
“Yes Frenchie? Would you like to show me something?”
Frenchie nods, holding up his drawing.
“Oh, that’s lovely! It’s a… A…”
Stede trails off. He’s usually quite good at figuring out what Frenchie has drawn. He’s one of the most creative of the crew, always drawing wonderful, fantastical things that would make for excellent stories. Today, though, it feels more difficult. The drawing is hardly different from Frenchie’s usual, but Stede can’t seem to pinpoint just what it’s meant to be.
“Um, so it’s a bear and tiger, but the bear is standing up and he’s got a sword. And the tiger is dressed up as a samurai. And they’re fighting.” Frenchie explains.
“I see. That’s quite creative, Frenchie!”
Frenchie smiles, running off to draw something else by the looks of it. Still, though Frenchie seemed happy enough to explain what his drawing had been, Stede feels like he’s failed somehow. He prides himself on being able to decipher Frenchie’s drawings when no one else can. He’s never been so stumped before, and it hadn’t even been one of the difficult ones. Now that he knew what it was, he can’t help but feel silly that he couldn’t figure out even one bit of it.
It was fine, of course. He’s just tired. It’s to be expected he may not be at his best today. Still, he needs to do better. He goes to see how the group playing with Pete’s little animal figurines are doing.
Whatever the story the group of them has plotted out, it certainly seems complex. Each of them has a little wooden animal, quite fitted to each one of them. Stede wonders if Pete had made a certain one for each of them specifically.
He wonders, for only a brief moment, what Pete would make for him if he asked. He quickly shakes the idea away.
Stede’s not too sure what exactly the story they’ve plotted out is, but…
Strangely, he feels the urge to join them. He doesn't do that. He guides, offers pointers perhaps. Never joins. Always watches and helps where he can, that's his role in all of this. He doesn't join them.
The feeling doesn't leave even when he does.
He just needs a moment to himself, to refocus. He takes a deep breath, trying to clear the fog from his mind.
Stede catches a glimpse of Frenchie whispering something to Lucius, glancing in his direction for a moment before looking away. Wonderful. Just… Great. He really needs to get himself together.
He can feel Lucius eyeing him even before he’s walking towards him. He tenses, unsure of what to expect.
“Hey,” Lucius starts when he reaches him, voice still a bit sickly sweet, from caretaking Stede presumes. Lucius is a good caretaker, gentle when needed and fun when wanted. “Can we have a little chat?”
Stede bristles. Why does he do that? Even if dynamics are just the teensiest bit different on days like this, Stede is still his captain. He shouldn’t be nervous at the prospect of a little chat.
“Sure. Yes. Of course.” Stede responds, ultimately sounding much less calm and collected than he’d hoped. Lucius gives a curt nod and motions for Stede to follow him, distancing themselves even further from the rest of the crew.
"So," Lucius turns to face Stede swiftly. "How are you feeling today?" He asks innocuously.
"Fine.” Stede responds curtly. Lucius gives him a look that makes him wilt. He sighs. “I’m just… Tired, I think? A bit scattered.”
Lucius nods. “Mhm, mhm. Scattered. Are things feeling a bit fuzzy?”
“A bit?”
“Mhm, and talking? Is that feeling a little difficult for you?”
“A little…”
“Right. Seems like maybe you’re not really feeling up for caretaking today, yeah?”
“I guess not…”
“And that’s fine, but,” Lucius looks like he knows something Stede doesn’t, nodding slowly. “You do know what that all sounds like, right?”
When he thought about it all together, Stede did know what that sounded like. But that couldn’t be right, he doesn’t do that. He shakes his head, preferring to deny it. This had to be something else.
“Have you ever felt small before?” Lucius asks. Stede shakes his head again, to which Lucius takes a deep breath. “Okay, yeah. It can be a little strange feeling at first, alright? But it can be really nice if you’re in the right hands.”
It certainly does feel strange. It’s been so hard for him to stay focused on what he’s meant to be doing. It had felt so easy to chalk it all up to tiredness, but now… Now he realizes he just doesn’t want to do any of this. That’s bad, isn’t it? Taking care of his crew is what he’s supposed to do, but the thought just feels exhausting now.
"Hey," Lucius places a comforting hand on Stede's shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts. "You know who's on caretaking duty today?"
Stede looks at him confusedly, trying to parse what answer he's expected to give. "You?"
"Yes, me.” Lucius seems amused, smiling at Stede for some reason. “But who else?"
"Oh." Stede realizes what Lucius is trying to say. "Ed."
"That's right!" Lucius chimes. It's strange, being on the receiving end of this tone from Lucius. Not bad. Just… Strange. "So, why don't we go tell Ed how you're feeling?"
Stede frowns. "Why?"
"Because he can take care of you. Wouldn't you like that?"
It's not that Stede doesn't like that idea. It's that he does. He's not supposed to. This isn't what he does. He looks after Ed, when he needs it. And he looks after the others too. That's his place in all this. He's not supposed to be taken care of.
Still… He's in no state to be taking care of anyone else, as he’s apparently made quite evident. And the idea of Ed taking care of him is… Compelling. The thought makes everything a little fuzzier, harder to focus on anything but the idea of Ed looking after him, talking to him in that same sort of sweet tone they all take on when someone is feeling small.
"Okay." Stede finally agrees. It still feels a bit wrong, like this isn't what he's meant to be doing, how he's supposed to be feeling, but the thought of Ed taking care of him is too nice to not take it.
Still, as Lucius places a hand on his shoulder and gently guides him towards Ed, his anxiety spikes. Will Ed even want to take care of him? Surely he would, right? But they've never talked about this. Is Lucius going to make him explain everything? He really doesn't want to. It all feels so complicated, even if he knows deep down that Ed understands plenty what this is like. It would probably be very easy to explain this all to Ed, but it all feels so impossible to put into words. The fact he was able to even remotely explain any of this to Lucius, even with Lucius asking questions, felt like it surely shouldn't have been possible.
But Lucius had understood what was happening so easily, better than Stede himself had been able to. Surely Ed could do the same. He was clever like that.
Still, the thought of having to try to explain this, just enough for Ed to get the idea, makes something in his stomach twist unpleasantly. He shifts away from being guided by Lucius, instead opting to walk behind him, which Lucius seems strangely endeared by.
"Everything okay?" Ed asks as the two of them walk up to him. Stede feels the urge to hide behind Lucius even more, but he resists. That would be silly.
"Yep, everything's great!" Lucius responds, chipper as ever, but he's got a pleased grin on his face. Why is he so happy about this? This isn't how Stede is supposed to be acting, and yet Lucius seems so very delighted by it all. "But…"
"But?"
Lucius glances back at Stede, still smiling far too much. Stede shrinks back.
"We think Stede might be feeling a bit… Small." Lucius replies, looking back to Ed. Stede, however, pointedly avoids viewing Ed's reaction.
"Really?" Ed's response is unreadable without an expression to pair with it. Still, Stede doesn't dare to look and see. Lucius and Ed are silent though, and upon glancing up, Stede finds Ed is looking to him for a response.
“I guess?” Stede settles on, averting his gaze once more. He jolts, two hands suddenly placed firmly on his shoulders. When he looks up at Ed once more, he’s beaming at him.
“That’s great!” Ed exclaims, seeming surprisingly delighted by this, to Stede’s slight confusion. “Oh man, this is fantastic. You’re gonna love this. Whaddya wanna do first? All the artsy stuff is out, you could do something with that. Or- Pete’s got this whole story going on with those little animals, I bet you’d love it. Oh! You could-”
Stede is relieved when Lucius interrupts Ed’s excited ramblings by clearing his throat.
“Maybe,” Lucius gives Stede a concerned look, seemingly sensing his increasing anxiety about all of this, before turning back to Ed. “You should, y’know… Ease him into this? Try to help him relax?”
Ed looks back to Stede, seemingly noticing for the first time that he is not matching Ed’s enthusiasm about all of this. He must look outright miserable, because Ed’s face morphs into a look of concern.
“Ah, sh- Right. Right.” Ed nods to himself a few times. He takes a step closer to Stede, and with a quick head motion indicates for Lucius to leave them. Lucius nods, quickly making himself scarce.
“Hey.” Ed says once they’re alone. Or, as alone as they can be while still on deck with essentially the whole crew. He’s smiling ever so slightly, clearly attempting to be comforting. It’s not not working, but Stede is feeling far too many complicated feelings at the moment for it to be very effective.
“Hi.” Stede replies quietly. He glances down at his hands, clasped in front of him, rather than looking at Ed.
“D’you maybe wanna be alone for a bit?” Ed asks. Stede frowns. So Ed doesn't want to look after him. He can’t say he’s surprised, but it still hurts…
“No no, wait, I mean- I don’t mean like, alone alone. Just like, away from the rest of the crew. Just you and me for a bit, okay? Does that sound good?” Ed clarifies, having noticed Stede’s clear disappointment.
It certainly sounds a lot better than staying here, where everyone can see him acting like… This. Stede nods, letting Ed guide him to their quarters.
Once there, Ed motions for him to sit on the sofa. Stede complies, his hands folded in his lap as Ed joins him a moment later.
“Sorry if I overwhelmed you a bit.” Ed says. Stede isn’t sure what to say to that. He thinks even if he knew what to say, he wouldn’t be able to say it. So he just shrugs, still staring at his hands, fidgeting with them nervously.
“Hey,” Ed places a hand over Stede’s. “D’you think you can look at me for a sec?”
Stede complies, and Ed’s other hand comes to cup his cheek. The contact is grounding, Stede finds, as he lets out a sigh. A bit of the tension that’s been building inside him all day melts away, just a bit. His eyes flutter shut.
“There you are.” Ed whispers. "It can be a little confusing at first, yeah? Bit scary?"
Stede nods.
"That's okay. It gets better. Way better."
Stede’s finding that a bit hard to believe. He can certainly see that the others enjoy this, that even when it makes them easily upset it’s still doing something good for them in the end. They always seem to feel better when it’s all done, more refreshed. But Stede can’t possibly imagine how that’ll be the case for him. This isn’t relaxing, like it seems to be for much of the crew when they’re just playing and crafting and letting themselves unwind. It’s not cathartic either, like it seems to be when all those difficult feelings bubble to the surface and flood out as tears.
It isn’t bad. All the bad feelings feel separate from the looming fog over everything, certainly present but definitely separated. But everything is fuzzy and confusing and… This just feels wrong. This can’t be what it feels like for everyone else. Of course he’s even managed to do this wrong…
“Here, just- One sec-” Ed pulls away, and Stede reluctantly opens his eyes, the brief calm he’d felt pulled away alongside Ed. He’s back up, rifling through a large wooden box stationed beside one of the bookshelves. Ah, of course.
The communal toybox had been Stede’s idea, of course. Most of the crew already had their own toys, but it was nice to have some extras, and if one of the crew members saw something they really liked, they were more than allowed to keep it. They were also welcome to add things to it if they wished to. Often Pete would add little wooden toys, and Frenchie would sew more plushies than anyone knew what to do with, as well as adorable little outfits for them with help from Wee John.
That invitation to take toys wasn’t really meant to extend to Stede himself. Though he’d certainly found some of the contents… Intriguing, quite cute even, they weren’t meant for him. It was more his place to add to the toybox when he found something he thought the crew may enjoy.
"Here," Ed says as he returns and hands him a small plush bunny. "We'll get you your own later, okay? Or you can just keep that one if ya like."
He certainly will not. There would be no sense in it, after all. Stede will not be letting this happen again if he can help it.
Still… The bunny is very cute. It’s a faded rose color, with long floppy ears. With some reluctance, Stede holds the plush bunny to his chest.
That… Feels alright, actually. Comforting. Not enough to soothe the whirlwind of confused feelings muddying his mind, but… It’s nice.
But it’s also… Not right. Not him.
Ed sits beside him once more. Each small comfort Stede finds only seems to fill him with several new anxieties, yet he still finds himself curling up to snuggle up against Ed’s side.
“D’you just wanna cuddle for a bit?” Ed asks softly. Stede nods ever so slightly. He’s not really sure what else he would want to do. He thinks he doesn’t really want to do anything. Ed wraps an arm around him, and surely this should feel right. Right? They cuddle already, after all. This is normal for them. There’s no reason for Stede to feel bad about this.
But of course… Of course, this fog just makes everything feel wrong. Off-balance. Even what is normal for him feels uncomfortably off-kilter.
Not right, not right, not right.
He doesn't understand. Why is everyone being nice about this? This isn't what he's supposed to be doing. They should be upset with him, right? For not doing what he's supposed to. It's expected of him, after all, to look after everyone. Even when there are others around to do it too, looking after everyone is what he does. Why isn't anyone upset with him for failing to do that?
He's certainly upset with himself.
“Woah woah, hey. Look at me, sweetheart.” Ed sounds worried. Stede looks up at him, feeling Ed swipe his thumb across his cheek. Stede feels wetness smear across his cheek. When had he started crying? “What’s wrong?”
So much. So, so much feels wrong. But that didn’t feel like a good enough answer.
“Why?” Is all he manages instead.
“Why what?” Ed asks in return.
“Why- Why are you- You-” Stede huffs. Why does the fog make it so hard to think? Talking should be easy! But here he is, sputtering, struggling to find the words he needs and struggling even more to say them.
“Deep breaths, love. Take your time.” Ed says, so very sweetly. Too sweetly. So much nicer than Stede deserves, surely.
“Nice?” Is what he manages next. Ed still seems confused, and Stede wants to huff again, because he can’t even manage a full sentence. “Why?” He asks again, more emphatic, his voice cracking.
“Why… Am I being nice?” Ed asks. Stede nods, and Ed looks very confused for a moment, before his expression settles into something sad. Oh no, Stede made him sad. Why did he do that?
“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
How could Ed not see how wrong this all was? This wasn’t what Stede was supposed to be doing, this isn’t him. Except now it is, and it’s confusing, and overwhelming, and Ed doesn’t understand.
But that’s far too complicated to say right now.
Stede takes a deep breath and tries his best to focus on his words, on just getting them out. “I’m… S’posed to take care.”
“Yeah, you take care of everyone.” Ed agrees, but he still doesn’t understand.
“Take care. Not… Taken care of.”
Ed’s frown deepens. “You know you can do both. I do both, lots of us do.”
Stede shakes his head. It’s not the same!
“Have to! Have to take care!”
Ed sighs. “No one expects that of you, love.” He says.
“They… Don’t?”
“Course not. You take care of ‘em when you can, but if you can’t?” Ed shrugs. “They’ll understand.”
That… Could that really be right? But then… He’s been worried about nothing this whole time…
“You need to be taken care of too.” Ed says softly. “And that’s okay.”
That’s okay. Stede feels the anxiety leave him at that reassurance. All the worry and fear and false obligations, they drain from him, until he’s left with only the fog and exhaustion. It’s… Not so bad, actually. It’s calm.
“S’okay…” Stede mumbles to himself. Ed smiles at him.
This is okay Stede keeps thinking, even as the fog and tiredness blend together and he feels himself slipping from consciousness. Something comforting washes over him, and he starts to actually believe it. Starts to feel it, whatever everyone else must feel when they feel small.
Maybe this can be okay.