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She’d loved before. Back in the Free Marches with Clan Lavellan, when her face was untouched by vallaslin and her freckles were fewer in number, there was a boy. He was the Keeper's First, a boy named Emel who was originally from a different Clan. His Clan had too many mages, and so he and his family had needed to find a new Clan that would take them in.
It was a fleeting love, a fling during a sweet spring. She got nervous around him, wondered what he truly thought of her. He was awkward and soft spoken, rarely leaving the Keeper's side as he tried to prepare for the day when he'd take her place. Era had watched him from afar, until one day he noticed her. The two took off into the woods, away from the aravels and where they'd not be seen by the others. They were still innocents, only sharing messy kisses and clumsy touches. But for that season they shared an affection for one another.
It ended quickly when Emel received his vallaslin. He was of age and with that it was no longer appropriate for them to run off together. By the time Era received hers, whatever love was between them was gone.
The love she felt for Solas was different. He'd made her feel safe and strong. Even as her faith wavered and her understanding of the world changed, she could rely on him to be there. From their first meeting, to the first “Ar lath ma”, and through everything that came after. But now he was gone and she hated it all.
She stood in the clearing with her hands clenched into fists, tears falling down her now bare cheeks as she watched him walk away. Everything was gone. All of their shared moments, the sweet kisses that left her lips numb, the dreams. All of it.
Era was confused. He'd never looked at her that way before. The love in his eyes was taken over quickly by a mixture of sadness and fear.
Had she done something wrong? Why did he tell her such things? That he had "distracted" her. He knew as well as her that distractions were necessary in times like these. Knew that love was so hard to find, those managing to do so lucky for it. They'd found love together despite the chaos, and he’d cast her aside so easily.
Had he even loved her at all?
It was painful, her chest and stomach twisting into knots as his figure disappeared and she found herself staring into space. Era struggled to breathe, the conflicting emotions at war with each other inside of her mind. She was angry, she was upset. She wanted to punch something, she wanted to collapse in a heap and cry.
Instead she just stood there. She felt numb and hurt. Because he couldn't say those things and mean it. He couldn't say that it was a mistake.
Mistake...
It was all just one big mistake, wasn't it? She wasn't supposed to be here. She was just the one they sent to the Conclave, she was supposed to have died with everyone else.
She remembered the day that she stood on the bridge. It had been shortly after she'd closed the Breach the first time, when the Inquisition first came to be. Back when she was nothing but the Herald for a god she didn't believe in. Back before she'd kissed Solas in the shared dream. When he was the only other elf around, his pointed ears the only familiar thing around in a place where she was surrounded by humans.
She’d stared at the gate, thinking about how easy it would all be to leave all of it behind. How easy it would be to return to Clan Lavellan and her simple life with the Dalish. The imaginary scenarios she’d envisioned were so tempting.
But instead of taking off, she'd simply turned around and returned to Haven.
Solas had been a source of comfort among it all. His views of elven culture were intriguing and he seemed more than happy to share stories of what he'd seen in the Fade. She could rely on him to be there to bring her back to reality, as ironic as it seemed.
But this reality wasn't something she wanted any part of. At that moment she longed for the the simple days of travelling, being ignored by her Clan mates when her inquiries about the world became a nuisance. When her solitude was more voluntary than forced.
Being pushed away was nothing unusual. But to be pushed away from someone she'd given her heart to was more painful than anything she'd ever felt before.
Era felt tears start to stream down her face. A form of weakness, in her eyes. In order to receive the vallaslin one must remain completely still. They weren't allowed to cry or flinch. To do so meant that they weren't ready for it.
She laughed at herself, bringing her fingertips to her face to wipe away the moisture. Weakness. He'd made her weak. The man she'd trusted wholly, who she'd given her heart to. He'd done this to her.
But she had allowed it. When he told her what the markings she saw as a sign of strength really were, it had made her insides twist. Slave markings... She was not a slave, and despite what the vallaslin had grown to mean she couldn't go on knowing such things were so plainly on her face.
And so she'd let him cast his spell. It was the first time he'd called her beautiful, and the first time she'd realized that all that time he'd loved her for who and what she was.
She'd kissed him first.
But he kissed back.
She didn't want him to go.
So he'd stayed.
He said it first.
Ar lath ma, vhenan.
And she'd loved him back.
Did it mean nothing now? The gentle touches, the tender moments in their tents, the addicting kisses, the comforting words. Did it all mean nothing to him anymore?
The pain lingered as she left the cave, going to the Inquisition Keep over the hills. Leliana's agents said nothing as she walked through. They didn't question why she was there or what had happened to silence her. They simply gave her food, shelter, and wrote a message to Leliana about their Inquisitor's whereabouts.
She stayed in Crestwood for about three days, putting physical distance between her and Solas. The pain had subsided, fading into numbness. Her soul felt shattered, as though she'd lost some part of herself.
Era laughed at herself, understanding now.
It was her heart.
She'd lost her vhenan.