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June 2014 l Approaching first anniversary vlog
Taehyung is doing it again.
This isn’t the first time Seokjin’s noticed him watching their Bangtan vlogs or vidoes they’ve posted online. The other week, it was the video of Seokjin telling fans a story that got him into trouble, mentioning a very eager Taehyung jumping into the shower with him. Taehyung found it hilarious but they both knew their managers didn’t share the same sense of humour. Yesterday, it was an old episode of Rookie King, where Taehyung and Hoseok kissed as a punishment. Today, Seokjin catches Taehyung looking through his phone and staring at some videos and selcas they took by the Han River only hours ago.
Seokjin isn’t forcibly being obtuse. He knows the signs when he sees them. After the shower incident, they were there when he overheard Jimin and Taehyung talking in hushed tones around him and Taehyung was not hiding his flushed cheeks as his eyes flitted toward him every so often during their shared meal times. Sometimes, when he and Taehyung are alone, he feels something pulling at his nerve-endings, as if something were telling him to pay closer attention to how Taehyung’s recently been acting around him.
Being obtuse would be how he acted around the first boy that kissed him, someone from his all-boys high school who hadn’t warned him about the crush he was nursing over him. This same boy also hadn’t warned him when he stole one of Seokjin’s very first kisses during a scuffle over the last bites of their shared snacks. The other kiss, his first, was from a girl from his elementary school that used to chase him down their neighborhood streets. She stole this kiss during a childhood game Seokjin couldn’t for the life of him remember.
So, as Taehyung stares and stares at the same pictures of them on his phone, Seokjin believes he has the foresight to think that the younger has warning signs of a developing crush. He didn’t know if Taehyung was developing a crush on him the same way the other two people in his life did. He didn’t even know if he swung that way. Hell, Seokjin was still reconciling with the fact that his first kiss with a boy wasn’t disgusting in the way that boys at his past schools had demonized being gay. In fact, he’s pretty sure that the idea of kissing a boy he actually liked left him more than a little curious. However, just like Taehyung, he’s not said any of this out loud. To anyone.
Sometimes he imagines Taehyung following him around the same way Jungkook does, puppy-like and consistent with dongsaengs following the hyungs out of automatic respect and some sort of instinct. He knows it’s a flimsy theory, but it’s something to keep him from nit-picking at everything about their relationship.
But then Taehyung's lack of subtlety is gnawing at him again.
He wonders if Taehyung knows he’s being obvious as he sits by Seokjin’s feet, while the elder sits behind him on their couch, spying Taehyung zooming in on his face. If Taehyung is showing warning signs of a crush wouldn’t this be something along those lines?
‘Taehyungie…’ Seokjin calls as gently as possible.
Taehyung nearly drops his phone as he promptly shuts it off. He turns to face him and hums a little too high-pitched.
‘I’m hungry. Do you want to go out?’
‘Oh, sure!’ Taehyung’s eyes are bright as he asks, ‘Just us?’
Seokjin nods, laughing a little to say, ‘You don’t want to ask Jimin or offer the others a chance to join in?’
‘I like spending time with you, hyung,’ Taehyung says, his eyes seemingly growing large and round with innocence. ‘We’ve spent so much down time together as a group, but it’s nice when it’s just you and me. Don’t you think?’
Ah, right.
There’s this too. Not a warning sign for Taehyung, but for him instead. The inevitability of Taehyung talking him into things. Allowing Taehyung to slowly invade more and more of his personal space in their shared bedroom and, increasingly, his bed. Sometimes he’d find Taehyung sleeping in his bed before him. And allowing him…anything really—gaming until ungodly hours, borrowing each other’s clothes when he never liked doing that with his own brother, and spending alone time together when he’s sure that the mundane things he does with Taehyung wouldn’t interest anyone else.
If he thinks on this too deeply, he realizes he might be clueless after all. Was he nuturing Taehyung’s crush?
‘What do you think?’ Taehyung persists.
‘Let’s go,’ Seokjin readily replies.
When they come back, they are stuffed to the brim with jjajangmyeon and pork belly. And soju. Seokjin let him secretly sip a bit of soju from his cup…several sips when Taehyung kept begging for more. If he were being completely honest, it didn’t take much begging after the pouting started.
‘Aish!’ Seokjin exclaims as he lies on his back on the floorboards of their dorm, allowing Taehyung to lie flush against him so they’re shoulder to shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that that was your first real drink?’
He turns his head to see that Taehyung is already staring at him with glassy, lidded eyes. He startles and continues to rant to the younger, ‘You’ve only snuck in the equivalent of three small glasses of soju. I’m the one that should have my head swimming by now. I’ve had more than twice as much! You’re lucky the others are still at the studio or they’d be teasing you for days.’
Taehyung bursts out laughing, ‘I don’t care! They’d probably scold you for letting me get this way though.’
Seokjin rolls his eyes and then stares up at the ceiling, grumbling, ‘Brat.’
In his periphery, he can tell Taehyung is staring at him again. Then, silence. Lately, as much as Taehyung gets away with several other boundary-crossing antics around him, these quiet moments have been increasing too. Not only that, but he wonders if Taehyung uses these moments to realize how much he gets away with or if he thinks about the nature of Seokjin’s weak heart.
Wait…What does his heart have to do with any of this?
He turns again, facing Taehyung’s persistent gaze. ‘Hyung…’
‘Let’s play a game, I can’t lie still,’ Seokjin announces out of nowhere, abruptly getting up to sit upright. His head spins.
‘Uh…okay,’ Taehyung says slowly, looking a little sheepish when he follows suit to sit up.
Seokjin doesn’t think too much on why he asks, ‘What’s that card game we played for Rookie King, the one where you lost and had to kiss Hobi?’
Taehyung’s eyes widen, cheeks flushing pink. ‘I—’
‘We’re not making the stakes that high tonight, I wouldn’t do that to you,’ Seokjin laughs and goads him on. ‘Or do you think you’ll lose to me that easily?’
‘That was a game of luck and I just drew an unlucky card! You can lose just as easily as me!’
Seokjin drags his heavy limbs over to the nearby coffee table to get the deck of cards he remembers was lazily stuffed into a bin full of odds and ends. ‘C’mon, let’s make it fun. Every time someone pulls a lesser card, the loser has to do something embarrassing. Each loss counts toward the end. The one with the least losses wins. And…winner gets a wish granted.’
Taehyung’s affirmative nodding makes Seokjin smugly grin, ‘You better get ready for my wish to be granted.’
Taehyung rolls his eyes this time, mumbling, ‘Yeah, yeah.’
Seokjin loses the first pull from the deck of cards. He has to prank call a friend he hasn’t talked to in ages.
Taehyung loses next. He has to recite an exceptionally long tongue twister while being filmed. After his fifth failed attempt, Seokjin sends the video to their group chat for good measure.
Taehyung loses again. He has to pull three sets of cutesy poses while Seokjin exaggerates his cooing.
Taehyung loses again.
Again.
And again.
Seokjin is near cackling at his luck as he continues to win.
Then, Taehyung snaps. ‘If you lose, you kiss me like Hobi-hyung did…unless you think you'll lose your streak and your wish.’
Seokjin scoffs and, again, doesn’t think too much on this to reply, ‘Easy.’
Taehyung pulls out a ten of hearts from the deck.
Seokjin pulls…two of diamonds. ‘Ais—’
Warm, slightly chapped lips cover his own. Seokjin feels the warmth of Taehyung’s lips spread over his mouth and warmth blooming from the tips of his ears to the bottom of his throat. Then, Taehyung’s lips start moving—
‘Taehyung!’ Seokjin splutters as soon as he pops his lips from the kiss.
Seokjin must look more than taken aback or he might even look terrifying because Taehyung recoils, looking small as he curls his shoulders inward with his hands clasping over his mouth. If anything, Seokjin is the one who feels terrified, ashamed at making him feel uncomfortable. ‘You—look—it’s fine. That was just part of the game. It was just a game and you’re a bit drunk right now.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Taehyung says immediately after releasing his mouth, hands in tight fists as he kneels further away from him. ‘I got carried away. I didn’t mean to disgust you, hyung.’
‘Don’t—it’s not disgusting. That is not disgusting if it’s part of a game or not part of a game. I—listen—I got carried away too. I never should’ve teased you so much…or let you drink as much.’
Taehyung doesn’t look completely convinced, but he does respond after a long pause, when Seokjin gestures for him to help him tidy up with him. The younger follows him around, like his shadow, quiet in all his replies and steps around him.
‘It’s fine,’ Seokjin says as they finally finish putting their living room back as they found it, if not cleaner. Then, he says to himself, ‘Everything is fine.’
Is it fine to treat your dongsaeng this way when you suspect something about said dongsaeng’s feelings ? Shouldn’t Seokjin be thinking more instead of the reckless doing he allowed this whole night.
‘Taehyung-ah,’ Seokjin tries his best to sound soothing here, nudging Taehyung toward the younger’s bed. He adds, ‘Go on, go to bed. Even with the painkiller I gave you, you might end up feeling a little groggy in the morning, so drink more water from the bottle I put at the side of your bed.’
Taehyung's tensed shoulders relax a little at this. He even offers a small smile before he says, ‘You’re taking this too seriously, hyung. I’ll survive.’
Seokjin rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t sound annoyed as he replies, ‘ I won’t though. I let you get away with everything.’
‘Everything?’ Taehyung almost sounds hopeful.
‘Yah…’ Seokjin slowly clicks his tongue, and he can’t quite harden his expression for some reason, but he tries. ‘Know your limits, Taehyung.’
For a moment, something unreadable flashes across Taehyung’s eyes. If Seokjin would have blinked, he’s sure he would’ve missed it.
‘Go to bed…’
If possible, Taehyung’s shoulders slacken even more, his momentary brightness dimming. ‘Sorry, hyung. I know it was a game. So…um…let’s not take it so seriously, huh?’
Seokjin nods stiffly.
Even when Taehyung finally turns and climbs into his bed, even with his bed sheets covering his face, Seokjin stares after him.
Maybe everything, Taehyung , he realizes. Maybe he’s not so sure he can’t not take it seriously. Maybe Seokjin’s thoughts can’t not steer toward anything but platonic for that wish he never got granted.