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November-December 2016 | Seokjin returns from filming Law of the Jungle
Taehyung ruminates over the details as if he were a masochist.
There isn’t any helping it because now that he’s been spending as much time being an actor on the Hwarang set as he is being an idol with his bandmates, he seems to have come to a bleak realization on things.
Specifically, Seokjin things, like the fact that he feels a painful growing apart from him.
Was it the kiss in Mexico last summer? Seokjin started the playful game of almost-pecks for their Blanket Kick choreography, and he certainly finished it with a real one. Although it was because one of them lost their footing and Seokjin’s lips landed near the corner of Taehyung’s, it still happened. He still remembers the look of utter shock on Seokjin’s face as the lights dimmed, the outline of the elder’s wide eyes unmistakable. Seokjin was awkward for days after that. They never really brought it up again.
Was it himself? Taehyung could be a little self-indulgent at times. Scratch that. For as long as he could remember, he’s found ways to turn a phrase for pure shock value or pull certain pouty-lipped expressions to charm more than a few people. He always had an affinity for making people affectionate and giddy in his company. Truthfully, it made him feel good about himself. Maybe it was also a compulsion. Maybe it sometimes felt like he couldn’t have someone not enjoying themselves around him. Maybe others found this irritating about him. He hopes Seokjin doesn’t feel this way.
Was it the way he was dozing off instead of watching the movies Seokjin had saved on his laptop for their late night movie marathons? A once a week ritual that had become steadily non-existent. As non-existent as the nights he spent crowding Seokjin’s bed.
Or was it because of this past summer when…
‘What? What did I say now? Lately, everything I say irritates you.’ Taehyung clicks his tongue.
‘It’s hyung this…hyung that,’ Jimin grouses one night as Taehyung comes home late, obviously not referring to any of their elders in their group. ‘Don’t you have anything else to talk about?’
He knew Jimin was missing him. He knew that he had been mostly absent from their group chats in the last few weeks and slow to reply to Jimin’s private messages too. He also knew that his long schedules due to filming Hwarang along with their Bangtan obligations was leaving him bone-tired. However, he didn’t know that he had it in him to snap back, ‘Get off my back, will you? I can have other friends, can’t I? Seojoon-hyung says…’
Jimin gives him a smug look, crossing his arms.
‘Jimin, it’s fine.’ Of course, Jin is calm with his interjection, and he adds, ‘Let’s all get some rest and talk about this when we have clear heads in the morning. We have a busy schedule in the afternoon so we need our rest.’
‘No, it’s not fine and my head is clear enough.’ Taehyung retorts, glaring at both of them.
‘Taehyung,’ Seokjin warns him, gesturing to his phone for the time. It’s nearly two o’clock in the morning. He firmly explains, ‘We’re all tired, so we need to leave this for another day.’
Something about the way Seokjin leans closer to Jimin, with a hand resting on his best friend’s shoulder, makes him snap again. ‘You’re taking his side? Jin-hyung, you’ve been on a set before, haven’t you? I thought you, of all people, would know the stress I’ve been under with all my commitments. None of you keep a schedule like mine and….I mean, I know it’s been years since you’ve done the acting thing, but I…’
Taehyung stops as he realizes what he’s saying. Even as he’s about to finish his rambling, he knows how all of this sounds, how very important he’s making his issues sound over their own.
Jimin narrows his eyes at him and mutters something to Seokjin before he agrees to table their conversation for tomorrow.
Seokjin doesn’t say anything when Taehyung stalks off in the opposite direction, grumbling to himself all the way to the bedroom. Not sparing a single glance to the elder when he could only imagine how Seokjin was staring after him.
Seokjin doesn’t say anything the next morning either, not even when he finds him and Jimin trying their best to apologize about their argument.
Only Jimin remarks on Seokjin after. ‘What did you mean about Jin-hyung being the only one being able to understand you before? Do you really think so? I mean, you two don’t even seem as close as you used to be.’
The involuntary gaze to meet his hyung’s can’t be helped. Taehyung thinks he can will away the thrumming in his chest and the heat spreading in his cheeks on just inner pleading alone, but, of course, that doesn’t work. If Seokjin notices, it’s not obvious. In fact, as quickly as they locked eyes on each other, the elder went right back to giving Namjoon his full attention as they carried on talking together across the room, as if there wasn’t anything particularly charged about the way Taehyung was urging him to feel how he felt with just a stare—a tangled mess of feelings, of want and misery.
At least, to himself, Taehyung admits that after the kiss in Mexico, even after trivializing it to Jimin, saying that he loved teasing their hyung as much as anyone else in the group, he was left wanting more.
He has always wanted more than Seokjin was ever willing to give him. More time with him. More of their friendship. More touches. Just more.
He’s never felt this way about anyone before.
‘I don’t know,’ Taehyung sighs as he looks back at Jimin, then he quietly adds, ‘It’s definitely felt different for a while.’
Or…
Was it the fact that it took until nearly the end of the year, right after Seokjin left to film Law of the Jungle in late Fall, so far away from home, for Taehyung to actually act on his inner turmoil?
‘Hyung,’ Taehyung whispers in the gloom of their living room, which was only illuminated by a dim lampshade and the glow of the television screen left on the idle PlayStation home screen.
Seokjin had returned from Indonesia only hours ago, and Taehyung knew he shouldn’t wake him because of this, but he was sleeping so painfully, sitting upright with his shoulders hunched over on their couch.
‘Hyung,’ he whispers closer, sitting next to him and nudging the elder. ‘C’mon, wake up so I can help you into bed.’
Seokjin’s eyes peel open slowly as he groggily answers, ‘H-hmm…T-Tae?’
‘Yeah, hyung, it’s me.’
‘What time is it?’ Seokjin doesn’t make a move to get up yet, just shifting around and arching his back to stretch.
‘Nearly midnight.’
‘Why aren’t you asleep then?’
‘Couldn’t.’
‘Me neither, well, until I did a little bit before you got here.’ Seokjin starts to look a bit more awake as he shakes his head and peers over at Taehyung, his eyes a bit pink and weary-looking.
‘Sorry…’
‘Something on your mind?’
‘I…’ Taehyung pauses, bracing himself, knowing the words by heart, words he’s rehearsed over and over since Seokjin left. He knows it’s late and the elder is tired, but he’s not sure he’ll get this chance again, not after building up the courage for days now.
Taehyung’s long pause doesn’t make Seokjin look anxious or impatient and he’s grateful for it. Seokjin even places a hand over his shoulder and squeezes there. It makes him sigh audibly but it doesn’t do much for his nerves. It also makes him realize how long it’s been since Seokjin’s held him this way, away from cameras and fans and even their bandmates.
‘You haven’t comforted me like this since Norway,’ he weakly jokes, getting distracted and playing with the bracelets on his wrist. He vividly remembers Seokjin’s arms around him, engulfing him in a back hug, and the way he let go of any sulky feelings of bag-stealing pranks and fake fights that felt a little too mean-sprinted when he thought about all the petty bickering they had done off camera, just days before they left for filming their special, Bon Voyage.
What’s worse, Taehyung starts to tally up all the less than friendly exchanges against the fewer, happier days of late.
‘Go on, Tae…’
Taehyung gulps down a rather dry lump in his throat, eyes locking with Seokjin’s. ‘I miss you.’
Now the thrumming in his chest is in his ears, a hot, steady beat.
‘What do you mean?’ Seokjin says, seemingly struggling to take in the statement, as if he were in disbelief for a moment, then his eyes form crescent moons, a fond smile stretching over his lips. ‘I’m right here. I know I’ve been away for a bit, but that’s over now.’
Seokjin doesn’t seem to get it, and he releases him to rub the back of his neck, looking confused.
‘I mean…I’ve been missing you for a long time now.’
For a long time, it always appeared as though Seokjin hadn’t paid enough attention to their changing relationship, but, even in the dim lighting of their living room, Taehyung finally sees a mirror reflection of his own emotions on Seokjin’s face. Downturned, tired eyes and a slight tremble of his bottom lip gave the elder away.
‘Say something, please,’ Taehyung says, pained.
‘I’m sorry, Tae. Of course I miss you too. How could I not?’
Taehyung lets go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He always knew that Seokjin never purposefully made Taehyung feel awful. Even if they seemed happier and light-hearted for the cameras and the public, even if this was sometimes masking their underlying issues, Seokjin has always been…Seokjin. However, this version of him—soft around his edges and cozy-looking in his hoodie, peering at Taehyung with even softer eyes—is a sight he’s sure not many people get to see.
Taehyung is almost too scared to ruin how open the elder looks right now, but he pushes himself to speak, ‘I feel like it’s different between us now, don’t you feel it?’
‘You’re busy, Tae. We’re all busy.’
‘It’s more than that.’
Seokjin nods.
‘Sure, we can blame it on the times we’ve missed some opportunities to catch up or clear up misunderstandings with a lot more care.’ Seokjin always had a way of explaining things, so matter-of-factly, so patiently. He continues, ‘No matter what, I support you.’
‘Even if we’re a little different now?’
‘Different—change isn’t bad…it’s how we grow. You’re only getting more skilled, more popular. I can’t wait for the world to see you, to love you…’
‘Hyung, thank you…’
Another deep breath. Taehyung braces himself as he tries to explain himself more, to explain how he wants to be properly loved. One last thing…
Seokjin suddenly interrupts him, ‘We should—Let’s go to bed.’
‘But—’
‘C’mon.’ Seokjin gets up, extending his hand to him.
Taehyung stares at his outstretched hand, feeling something akin to whiplash from the sudden offer. He hesitates before he grabs it, then stands up, feeling the rest of his resolution start to seep out of him with every tug and pull from Seokjin.
Seokjin lets him in his bed that night, lets him choose Billie Holiday’s crooning to soothe them while they lay side by side, and he also doesn’t shy away from Taehyung’s hand as it reaches for his hand before they fall asleep together.
Somehow, Seokjin, without words, persuaded Taehyung to be content with this—soothed by sleep and their hands clasped together throughout the night. By the morning, his other confession felt safely tucked away for now, like a promise he’d fulfill when it was the right time.
But when was the right time?
‘Is this the time for this?’ Seokjin asks Taehyung, knowing the answer.
Taehyung is happy, regardless of Seokjin trying to sound irritated. However, Seokjin doesn’t frown or look irritated at all. In fact, he’s poorly concealing a smirk starting to form on his lips.
It’s been like this for weeks now—Seokjin and Taehyung or Taehyung and Seokjin. Not two people who might be listed with their other bandmates, separated by commas in the same sentence. They weren’t just tied to each other because of broadcasts and performances anymore. They were better. No more tense looks exchanged between them. No more days where Taehyung dissects and agonizes over conversations gone wrong between them. Seokjin is attentive now. He’s playful again too.
‘C’moooon, hyung. Look, it even has shooting stars coming out of it. Let’s pretend they’re candles. Make a wish!’
Taehyung flourishes the cupcake in front of him, making a show of demonstrating how to blow on the decorative stars as if Seokjin didn’t know how to do so on his own. His smile widens when he finally breaks Seokjin’s resolution, Seokjin’s fond smile finally appears, toothy and beautiful.
‘Aish…’ Seokjin admonishes him before his eyes flit between him and the other MAMA Awards guests in the green room crowding the craft services tables.
He finally blows the glittery stars so that they sway and then he laughs out loudly, pink in the ears because of onlookers.
Taehyung is devastated though. He tells him, ‘You didn’t make a wish, did you? It’s your birthday.’
‘I can make a wish now.’
‘You have to make a wish before you blow.’
‘One, my birthday is two days away. Two, if I can blow out fake candles, I can also make my own fake rules on wishes.’
Taehyung fully pouts at this, but indulges Seokjin in closing his eyes to think deeply before nodding that he’s done with his wishing.
‘Did you make a wish for me since my birthday is coming up too?’ Taehyung teases.
‘Wishes don’t come true if you say them out loud, I thought you knew. Besides, what if it did involve you?’ Seokjin teases right back, ears more red than pink at this point. It’s not clear if Seokjin’s teasing as of late count as flirting. For one…well, they’re not supposed to as friends, certainly not as bandmates. For another…doesn’t Seokjin simply like keeping up with Taehyung and his antics? Like how he can’t take his eyes off him now, like a fierce staring contest.
It’s moments like this that Taehyung wishes he weren't so aware of the gnawing reminder that tends to unexpectedly hit him while he’s with Seokjin; he still hasn’t confessed of his growing crush on the elder.
‘Tae!’ Someone’s booming voice interrupts his train of thought.
‘Seojoon-hyung!’ Taehyung greets his friend as soon as he steps in front of them, and he giggles at the way he’s being nudged and eventually manhandled into receiving a neck massage.
Seojoon seems to bring in more attention to them as acquaintances they share and even mutual colleagues call and greet them. Hand shakes and more neck massages continue to make Taehyung giggle.
Seojoon finally lets Taehyung go at the sound of a cough, and he bows and greets Seokjin. ‘Seokjin-ssi! Congrats!’
Something about Seokjin’s automatic, tight smile and bow feels off. It almost reminds him of when Jimin pulls faces when he starts talking about Seojoon or any of his costars from Hwarang, but Taehyung can’t dwell too long on this detail with Seojoon pulling them out of whatever moment they were having.
‘Wait—what do you mean congrats?’
‘Yeah, they just announced your award for Blood, Sweat and Tears. You two must be sitting out on the acceptance speech then?’
Seokjin and Taehyung exchange looks, and then instantly bolt for the backstage entrance, exchanging muttered profanities along with their panicked steps. Taehyung wants to laugh out loud, wondering how a bathroom break turned into this detour.
At one point, Seokjin breaks his stride to stop them at the bottom of a shadowy staircase, steps away from the main stage where they can hear Namjoon giving thanks to their fans.
‘Listen, you’re going to kill it for our performance tonight. The fans are going to faint seeing this side of you, not to mention how you’re going to undress. You’re going to make even more people fall at your feet. You’re going to be amazing, Tae.’ Seokjin says this in one breath, panting from their running. He raises a finger to stop Taehyung from interrupting to add, ‘That was my wish, that’s what I want for you, but I don’t need to wish for that to come true. It will. Don’t be nervous.’
Taehyung is panting too, but doesn’t realize he’s also worrying his bottom lip so much. ‘Ah, hyung…’
‘Let hyung go first okay. Then you come up…’
Taehyung watches, transfixed with Seokjin fading into the overhead spotlights at the top of the stairs. He follows shortly after Seokjin disappears completely into the light, every step toward it feels like he’s gaining more insight on his eldest hyung.
Seokjin wants the world for him. He wants all these people adoring him, falling for him, when Taehyung just wants Seokjin.