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I'm havin' a hard day. Even though I had the best night of my life with Rick inside a' me, I'm still a Dixon, and Dixon's is always gonna have somethin' happen that'll ruin everythin'".
Not long after Rick got ta be with me, inside a me, he had ta see me hunched over bawling like a baby. Back all fucked up. Tears burnin' my eyes and snot pourin' outa me with no Kleenex and hadta wipe it on the very shirt a' his he was lettin' me wear. Only good news a' that is he'll prolly let me keep it now.
An' after all that he still loves me and I believe him. And we's walkin' back to the prison hand-in-hand like fuckin' teenagers when Rick drops his bomb. All subtle like it's nuthin'.
"Oh yah, forgot to mention, Carl TOTALLY knows I was in your room this morning." He says. And then he keeps on strollin' along like it ain't nothin'! Grinnin' too!
"What!?" I say stunned. I hadta lie and now the kid knows I'm fuckin' his dad and I'm a damn liar? How can Rick be so calm. Kid's gonna hate me.
"What's the matter, love?" He coos at me. Llike I'm a damn woman or a kid or a fucking dog. "You don't need to freak out over it. Carol knows. Maggie and Glenn know. We can't keep it secret forever."
"Maggie and Glenn know!? How the fuck that happen?" I ask. Shit's just getting worse and worse all damn day.
"Hell if I know. That girl just seems to know things." Rick says.
I KNEW it!! She's been readin' my damn mind!
"Well, what did Carl say?" I ask, thumbnail in my mouth. (like I even gotta mention it. Obviously my thumb is gettin' it from news like this.)
I stop in my tracks for the answer cause I ain't gettin any closer ta that damn prison til I'm more prepared.
Rick shrugs all casual. "Nothin'. Says he likes you and we both seem happy. Oh, and he's known for a while and isn't going to play dumb anymore."
"What do I say to him?" I ask around my thumb, seriously wondering how ridiculous I'd look if I had both thumbs in there.
"Whatever you're comfortable with. Not like you got to schedule a meeting with him." He jokes.
"Ain't a joke, Rick. 'S he gonna like ask me questions and shit?"
"He had more answers than we do," Rick laughs. "Told me you and I are in love."
Rick paused then and he could tell I needed ta hear it so he says, "Which we are. I love you, Daryl." And he hugs me tight. I'm such a pussy. Now 'fraid of a 12-year-old damn kid.
.............
Back at the prison I went straight for Carol at the wash basin and I don't know where to start.
I tell her about not bein' a virgin no more. Vague though like I always do. I tell her 'bout cryin' at the pond which makes me start cryin' 'gain. An' that makes her start cryin' and I'm wonderin' why no one ain't never got any kleenex on all the damn runs we been on. So more snot on Rick's shirt.
I want to move on to the Carl situation but Carol wants ta talk 'bout my scars an' my feelins'.
She says lots a' the same stuff as
Rick. Ain't my fault. It's over. Ain't gonna happen 'gain. I'm strong an' stuff. Scars ain't me. Don't define me. Mostly just lots a words that makes them feel better than it makes me feel. But I'm out a tears 'gain so I let her think I feel better 'bout it.
Then I tell her the problem I really need help with. - Carl!
"He's a sweet boy, Pookie. He isn't going to be mad at you. Rick said he was totally fine with it, so there's nothing you gotta fret about."
"I ain't good with grown-ups, Carol. You know that. Sure as shit ain't gonna be good holding a conversation with a kid. 'Specially one who's daddy's been inside me!" I pale at the accidental description but Carol just grins at it.
"You said you weren't good with babies either and look at how much Judith loves you and how much you love her. You surprise yourself every day, Daryl."
"Yah, well, Judith ain't talkin. Won't be lookin' at me like I'm doing somethin' wrong with her old man."
"Daryl," she says firmly which means listen. "Instead a' being scared about what's going to happen and when, why don't you find Carl right now and you start the conversation yourself. That way you control it and you get it over with."
Ain't a bad idea and that's why Carol's my best friend. She can fix all kind of things. The more I think on it, the more I like the idea. And decide I's gonna do it.
I find Carl in the cafeteria by hisself looking at comic books. I sit down 'cross from him, actin' brave like I ain't afraid a' shit.
"Hey, Carl." I say, casual. Fake casual, but I think I's pullin' it off.
"Hey," he says raisin' his eyes and keepin' his gaze on me 'stead 'a goin' back to his books.
"I lied ta ya this morning." I blurt out and start on a nail.
"Cause dad was in your room." He said. It wasn't a question. He knew, just like Rick said.
"Yah. I'm sorry. I panicked." I said to him
"Why?"
"Why what?" I ask staring to freak out. Is he gonna ask why we's in there together in tha first place?
"Why were you panicked to just tell me he was there?"
I shrug. "Don't know. Just didn't know if it was gonna be ok with you and stuff."
"I'm not a kid," the kid says.
"No you ain't," I tell him even though that's the second damn lie I told him t'day an' I feel guilty 'gain.
"So you can be honest with me. You love my dad, right?" He asks.
I just nod.
"So now this means we gotta do things together." He says.
It does, I's thinkin'? Is that a thing? I gotta hang out with this kid now? And do what? Like play with Legos an' shit? I already feed and protect him like he's my own anyway cause he's Rick's and that's always been important. I don't understand what's gotta be different. Carol would know.
"Oh. Ok." I say
"Like teach me to hunt. Shoot." He says.
So this is what my life is now? This kid trying to get me to let him do things I know damn well his daddy don't want him doin'?
"Thought your daddy didn't want ya shooting' anymore. Needs ya in tha garden." I say.
"Ya well, do YOU think it's a good idea for me not to learn to hunt and shoot? In this world the way it is?" He asked, knowin' full well I never 'greed with Rick 'bout it.
"Ain't my say, Carl." I tell him.
"You get a say now. Your with my dad. He's a package deal and he comes with me and Judith. You can talk to him about it."
"Uh. Ok." I say.
"Great." Carl said and he got up, took his comic books and left.
It wasn't long ago I was just a worthless Dixon with no friends, no one ta love me, nothin'. Now I got family, a lover, importance and meanin' and apparently a manipulative twelve-year-old son.
Of all tha things that have changed for me since the apocalypse, the dead up and walkin's probably the least surprisin'.