Work Text:
The apartment was quiet, save for Sanzu’s loud humming as he busied himself by cleaning his gun at the table. He had been sitting there for nearly an hour, repeating the same motions over and over. You were convinced he was stuck in a loop, too caught up in his own mind as he handled the weapon.
Had he been anyone else, you would have asked what was on his mind, but truthfully, you didn’t want him to snap out of whatever thoughts he was having; this was probably the most peaceful you had seen him in weeks, and you certainly had no plans to cut that short. The last thing you wanted to deal with was another loud, drug-fueled monologue from him that consisted of Sanzu wildly waving his gun around while you sat frozen on the couch, forced to listen to his nonsensical ramblings.
It hadn’t always been like this.
While Sanzu had never truly been a normal boyfriend, he still had aspects that had made him likable… loveable, even. At least you had believed so, but now it feels as though you’re simply staying because you’ve been with him for so long. Or perhaps out of fear. You weren’t really sure where you stood with him anymore, yet you knew that either way, your feelings toward him were no longer the same as they had once been.
How sad that the only time that you now enjoyed being around him was whenever there was silence between you.
As you continued to sweep the living room, you decided to just cherish this moment, knowing that Sanzu was a ticking time bomb and any minute now, he could end the peace and cause chaos in your house once more.
Sanzu hadn’t noticed that you retreated to the bedroom, too caught up with sniffing white powder off the coffee table while a few of the other Bonten executives drank around him. And he certainly hadn’t cared enough to realize just how withdrawn you were throughout the night, but that didn’t mean that your demeanor went unnoticed by anyone else.
“–falling out?”
Sanzu blinked a few times as if that would clear his head then leaned back, looking over at Ran.
“What?”
Ran’s smug little grin only grew as he repeated his words, “I asked if you two had a falling out.” The others quieted down, curious to hear what Sanzu had to say.
“The fuck are you talking about?”
This time, it was Rindou who spoke up, “Your lil wife hasn’t even talked to you all night. Seems there really was a falling out.” The brothers knew that they were toeing a fine line by pressing Sanzu about this, but it was hard not to find some humor in riling him up.
“She’s not my wife. And, stop buggin’ me about this shit,'' Sanzu moved back towards the table, this time reaching for a little baggie sitting on the corner of it. “I’m trying to relax.”
He didn’t need the Haitani’s – or anyone – to question him about his relationship with you. You weren’t in the mood for socializing, so what? You had never been interested in hanging around the other Bonten members anyways, so there’s no reason to think much of it. Ran and Rindou were just trying to stir up trouble with him, that’s all.
There was one long look in the direction of your shared bedroom before Sanzu tore his eyes away, deciding that chasing his next high was his priority in the moment. You’ll be waiting for him in bed anyways.
That’s how it always is.
You didn’t have much of a mind to know where you were; Sanzu had practically dragged you out of the house, loudly going on about something that you couldn’t quite understand. The car ride was filled with Sanzu’s voice, yet not a single word was caught by you. You had gotten quite good at tuning him out, only offering up the occasional nod or ‘mhm’ as he went on about whatever topic held his attention.
Even as you stood in the middle of some store with him, you could have easily been a million miles away with how disconnected you were from your reality.
Has this really become your life? Just going through the motions as you merely tolerate your boyfriend? You weren’t even sure that the two of you had anything in common anymore. There were no longer any interesting conversations to be held between the both of you, not when most days were filled with Sanzu doing all the speaking while you idly sat by waiting for him to move on.
When was the last time you two shared a genuine laugh together?
As you tried to recall the last time you were really happy with the man at your side, your thoughts were interrupted by cries. You glanced over to your left, watching as a mother tried to soothe the small baby bundled up in her arms. Before you could look away, your eyes met and she gave you a sheepish smile. You turned away, but you found yourself looking between her and the baby every so often.
How strange that despite the two of you looking around the same age, you both were in very different stages in life. A part of you felt envious, not necessarily because of her motherhood, but because you felt very stagnant, as though there was no chance for you to really go forward in life.
And your reason for feeling that way suddenly reminded you of his presence when his hand clamped down on your shoulder.
Sanzu followed your line of sight to the mother and her baby, letting out a small noise of displeasure, “Noisy fuckers, aren’t they? Pisses me off.” He looked back over to you and grinned, “Want me to kick ‘em out?”
The woman’s body language made it clear that she had heard Sanzu’s words; she looked as though she was ready to curl her body into itself, making her and her baby unnoticeable. You knew Sanzu wasn’t a good man, but you hadn’t thought he would stoop as low as to bother innocent civilians. But, when he took a step in the woman’s direction, you realized that his words may not have been just some sour joke.
“No, no. It’s… it’s not a big deal.” You grabbed his arm, trying to steer him back towards you. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed the woman scurrying off, taking this opportunity to get away. Before you could even question Sanzu about what the hell he was thinking, he was already walking off, attention once again caught by something else.
It was upsetting how quick he was to cause issues, yet it was as though they had no lasting effect on his consciousness, as he was always flitting from one thing to the next. Others would be forced to lick their own wounds while Sanzu had already left in search of new prey, the pain he caused nothing but a distant memory to him.
You stared over at the spot where the mother and baby had been, replaying Sanzu’s words over and over again. The woman had offered you a smile, and then here was your mess of a lover, eager to get her thrown out when the last thing she needed was more trouble.
Trouble.
That was all he ever really caused. Why was it on you to stay and deal with it? Deal with him? He embarrasses you in public, harasses or flat out ignores you in private, and then is a complete nuisance nearly every waking moment of his life. There was no purpose – no reason – for you to continue holding onto something that should have been severed long ago.
But, you took a deep breath and followed after him, once again tuning out the world until you could be alone.
The sound of Sanzu disassembling and reassembling his gun over and over was beginning to wear you down. Although in reality the noise was relatively quiet, for you, it was so terribly deafening; you found yourself reading the same line in the book in front of you, unable to move past it or even comprehend what you just read.
You were nervous, mind trying to relax at the thought of finally ending things with the man sitting across from you. But you had no idea how he would react; Sanzu was such a wild card that you couldn’t predict if he would happily let you walk out that door, never to hear from him again, or if he’d have you killed by his hand, if not another executive’s.
“Something on your mind?”
The question caught you off guard, but you tried to keep your cool. You had wanted a few more minutes to collect yourself before telling him how you felt, but you didn’t want to lie now and say there was nothing in particular that you were thinking of. Sanzu surely wouldn’t take kindly to being lied to.
You took a deep breath, “I–”
“I found your bags. The ones filled and tucked under the bed.” Sanzu clicked another piece into his gun, once again successfully putting it back together. You stared at the pistol in his hand for a moment before looking back at him, only to find that he too was more interested in observing his gun.
Your hands set the book down before finding one another, twisting your fingers around in a show of nervousness. Despite having thought about what you should say in this situation, all planning has seemed to go out the window, your words along with it. Sanzu’s eyes finally shifted back to you, his expression nearly unreadable.
“And don’t try to give me some bullshit explanation about it.” He sat the gun down on the table, barrel facing you. A threat, perhaps, or maybe just another empty gesture from the man.
Maintaining eye contact with him was hard, but you tried to keep your eyes on him, wanting him to see how genuine you were being, “I don’t think that this is a fulfilling relationship for either of us and–”
“I feel fulfilled,” he said before letting a beat of silence pass. “Don’t think it's fair of you to try to put those feelings on me. This is all you.”
“Okay, sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed your feelings.” You could feel the tension within you rising, sensing that this conversation was only going to go further south, like most things did with Sanzu. “We aren’t– I feel like we aren’t compatible. You enjoy gambling and” –hard drugs– “other… things. Things that I don’t care to be around. And you don’t seem to have an interest in any of the things that I enjoy. And the way you talk about others…”
“The things that you enjoy? Talk about others? What’re you–” Sanzu furrowed his brow before letting out a bark of laughter, “Oh! Ha! This is about that baby, huh? That’s why you've been so worked up since that trip to the store,” he spoke as if what he said was fact.
Baby? It took you a second to recall what he was referring to, shaking your head in protest, “No, this isn’t really about that.” It was so much more than that, and seeing the mother and her baby had just been the catalyst to you taking this step – this chance to break things off and move forward in your own life for the first time in years.
Yet, Sanzu didn’t listen to you, continuing to laugh to himself, as if this was the funniest thing he’s heard all day. And in Sanzu’s distorted reality, maybe it was.
“I didn’t know you had a soft spot for that stuff. Here I was thinkin’ that you just wanted the source of that crying outta your sight. If you wanted a baby, why didn’t you just say so?”
This time, you were the one who allowed the silence between you two to grow as you stared at him, trying to keep your face as neutral as possible. You weren’t ever sure what to say… maybe to ask if he was high again? Or was he just so deep in his own head that he couldn’t even hear you anymore? All you managed to ask of him was what he was talking about.
That question got you a look that you knew meant trouble. Sanzu leaned forward in his seat to get closer to you and you had to actively focus on not leaning back despite how badly you wanted to move away from him.
“You’re trying to leave, correct?” You nodded slowly at his question, and he continued, “And it’s because you’re upset that I didn’t react the way you wanted me to. About that baby. You worrying that I don’t wanna family with you?”
That couldn’t be farther from the point, but you continued to hold your tongue. “No, I’m not interested in having children” — with you — “at this point in my life.” You took another deep breath. “Honestly, Sanzu, I just want to leave. I want to be alone.” You braced yourself for the storm that was surely to come now that you’ve poured out the words.
“Okay.”
“O…kay?” You were left confused for all but a second, but Sanzu reached for his gun and you scrambled up from your seat. But rather than his fingers curling around it, he swiped it over to your side, the gun stopping when it hit your abandoned book.
Your mouth opened, so many questions on the tip of your tongue, but Sanzu beat you to it.
“Leave if that’s really what you want. I won’t cause you anyyy problems… if” — Sanzu slammed his hand down onto the table — “you shoot me.”
“Shoot— Sanzu, what the hell! I’m not shooting you!” Your feelings for him may have faded but you didn’t want the man dead, and his blood being on your hands would only cause you problems. Sanzu gestured towards the gun, as you firmly shook your head, refusing to do such a thing. His demeanor only grew more annoyed by the second as he continued to encourage you to just do it, voice raising slightly with each word.
Finally Sanzu reached over and grabbed the gun, immediately pressing it up against the center of your forehead. “Fuckin’ do it before I pull the trigger myself.” Sanzu moved it away and shoved the gun into your chest, prompting you to grab it, holding it awkwardly in your grasp. “God, when did you get so damn stubborn? Pissin’ me off here… You wanna leave, don’t you?”
“Y-yeah.” Your throat felt scratchy, like confirming your wants is the wrong move here and your body is trying to keep you from digging yourself a grave.
“Then shoot.”
For a second, you contemplated taking back your words, saying ‘forget it’ before trying to settle back into your stagnant life just hoping that Sanzu will forgive this little event. But then you think about his crazed behavior, the hurt that he caused for fun, the slow growing fear of being in the same room as him, and you decide that perhaps having a little blood on your hands can’t be the worst thing in your life. Not if it meant you could live without constantly holding your breath as you waited for tragedy.
So, you raised up the gun, pointing it at Sanzu,, and pulled the trigger.
Click.
You didn’t need to be an expert to realize there was an issue.
No bullet came out, and now Sanzu stood up from his own chair, a smile on his face that caused your stomach to drop. He slowly made his way around the table and you pulled the trigger again. And again.
Nothing.
When he stood directly in front of you, you found yourself in a panic, trying once more to shoot him, not understanding why nothing was happening. Before you could make another attempt, his hands clasped around yours, dragging your hands and the gun up to his face. By now, you felt a sort of panic set in, unsure of what to think of it all. All you could hear was the heavy breathing coming from both of you, yours from a source of fear and his from the excitement building up inside of him.
“I’ve never known you to be so stupid.” Sanzu yanked the gun out of your hand, lightly tossing it back onto the table. Then he mumbled, “Nice to know that ya still got some obedience left in you.”
“I–” You weren’t even sure what to say; whatever Sanzu’s thought process was, it was completely lost on you. “Stupid? You told me to shoot you!”
“And you really tried to!” He got up in your face, yet you found yourself becoming frustrated rather than succumbing to your fears.
“Well, you insisted on it, Haru. Now, can we stop with the games?”
You had a few other mouthy remarks that were ready to slip off your tongue, but Sanzu suddenly gripped onto your lower jaw, fingers digging into your face.
“You were going to shoot me!” It was as if your previous words went unspoken, Sanzu not even bothering to acknowledge what you said. “I should be the one wanting to leave with how little you pay attention to me. We sat together at that table as I was handlin’ that gun… not a single bullet around. But clearly you didn’t care enough to notice!”
He was right; you had been with him the whole time but your mind hadn’t really been there. The only thing that had tethered you to the present at that moment had been the sound of Sanzu messing with the gun.
Sanzu brought his other hand up to harshly tap against the side of your forehead, “So, so stupid.”
But, you weren’t stupid for not noticing— you were simply checked out of the relationship.
You brought a hand up to push him away from you, but the hand holding your jaw was quick to catch you by the wrist, fingers tightening to the point that you wondered if your bones would snap under his strength. It surely wouldn’t be the first time he’s done such a thing to a person, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for him to turn on you now.
“You really thought I would let you walk away? Just leave me after all these fuckin’ years?” Though the smile on his face stretched from cheek to cheek, his tone was bitter, as if he was biting back his true anger. You weren’t sure if that made the situation better or worse for you.
“Haru… you don’t pay attention to me either,” you winced at the pain in your wrist, but were determined to continue. “Don’t even notice when I’m not hanging around. Not when you got your drugs.”
Sanzu gently maneuvered your wrist closer to his face, pressing your hand against his cheek in some show of faux affection (unsure abt sentence structure here). “If you wanted more attention, all you had to do was ask,” he whispered, as if the words would explode in both your faces if said any louder. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that the two of you were sharing a genuine moment. But as usual, nothing could be as it seemed with the man.
You wanted to tell him that you shouldn’t have to ask him to pay attention to you. Or that his lack of attention wasn’t even the main issue in the relationship and he was once again missing the point of it all. But you had no chance to spit out anything that tumbled through your mind, because all you could focus on was the sudden rush of searing pain in your wrist.
You could hardly even muster up the strength to use your other hand to push him away, though you know that even if he wasn’t squeezing your bones together, you still wouldn’t be able to overpower him. So, you waited for him to let up, but it never happened.
“Ah! H-haru! Stop!” The hold on your wrist only tightened.
“I’m getting really tired of you expecting everything to be about what you want,” his smile had dropped, replaced with a scowl. “You don’t want me to kick that lady out. You want to leave me. You want me to stop. All a bunch of nonsense.” Sanzu moved your hand away from his cheek, but pulled you closer to him so that he could almost press his nose to yours. “I don’t think that empty head of yours knows what you really want anyways.”
There was a faint crunching sound as you yelled out in agony, the pressure on your wrist finally snapping the bones. With all your attention on the pain, you weren’t even aware of the moment your knees hit the floor, cradling your wrist to your chest with your other hand. And had you even the ability to notice anything around you, you’d have seen that the smile returned to Sanzu’s face, pleased with what he has done.
“You’ll think a bit harder about these decisions now, huh?” Sanzu moved to place a hand atop your head, yet was stopped by your uninjured hand, now clutching onto his own wrist with what he assumed to be your full strength. It was cute how even through your pain and tears, you were so determined to get him back, so he couldn’t even find it in him to be upset. He gave you a few moments, allowing you to cause his own wrist to ache with a dull pain before pulling it away.
“Hope your attempt at shooting me and then breaking my wrist left you feeling a bit more… fulfilled than earlier,” his tone mocking. “Now go wait for me in bed and maybe I’ll think about taking you to the hospital.” When you didn’t move, Sanzu shrugged, “Or don’t. Bedroom or floor, I don’t care. You’re just not leaving until I say you can.”
Sanzu walked back out to the living room, collapsing against the couch. He sat for a couple minutes, listening to your crying before digging into his pocket and taking out a small bag. As he opened it up, he thought about Ran’s question from the last time he came over.
“A falling out… As if I would ever let that happen.”