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Didn't go huntin' today. Not after a fucking forehead kiss. Went to help Carol with Judith. Was bath time when I got there. Told her I's too sad to go huntin'.
Course she asks why cause unlike Rick, SHE still loves me and cares about me. I's washin' the suds outa Judy's soft, fine hair by the time I decide ta answer.
"Think Rick don't want me no more." I say. I look up to see her reaction when I don't hear no words. She got her mouth covered with a hand and tryin not ta laugh and I'm so damn sick of people doin' that.
Got Judy in my hands though so I can't storm off Dixon-style.
"You think I'm blowin' somethin' out a proportion," I say cause I know that's what she's thinkin'.
I pick up my lil' asskicker and dry her off with a towel, holdin' her 'gainst me an fumblin' at it a bit. First time I ever dried off a baby.
"Yes, Daryl." She says confidently. "I know you are."
She really seemed like she knows somethin' for real. I cock my head at her tryin' to read 'er better but can't.
"He kissed me on tha fuckin' forehead this mornin. Left like he couldn't wait ta get gone. Didn't even have breakfast with me." I pout, fumblin' with a cloth diaper an' a set a' flailin' arms an' legs.
"Daryl, he's gonna be real upset if he thinks you're freaking out like this," She says.
"What tha hell's that mean?" I ask givin' up on the safety pin and lettin' Carol take over.
"All he wants is for you to know how much you mean to him."
"By ditchin' me at dinner and kissin' me on the fucking forhead?"
Carol got Judith all wrapped up tight and offered her ta me. I shook my head.
"Nah, feel like killin' stuff. Gonna go help Axel at the fence."
"Don't you dare take your mood out on him," she said as I walked out the door grabbin' for my knife.
On the way through the yard I glance over at the garden and couldn't catch sight of Rick anywhere. Or Carl. My pout turns to a hard frown and Axel knows I ain't happy soon as I pop up beside him and slam a knife through the skull of a dead-eyed, one-armed Jet Blue stewardess.
"Hey," he says cautiously. "Why ain't you huntin?"
"Why ain't YOU huntin'?" I snarl back. I can sound really mean and angry when I set my mind to it. And I wanna be mean and angry to someone and it can't be Carol. Can't be fuckin' Judith. Rick ain't nowhere to be found. Sorry 'bout your luck, Axel, I'm thinkin'.
Axel don't answer and focuses on knifing an old lady with curlers still in her hair. He looks back at me.
"What are you looking at?" I snap as I walk over to another customer at the fence that's gonna get some misplaced Dixon aggression right square between tha eyes.
"Gonna be honest, Daryl. I don't see how anything I say ain't gonna end with a punch." He ain't even jokin' when he said it and I saw pity in his eyes even though he knows he's lookin' at the very person 's likely to knock him on his ass in the next ten seconds.
Pity just pisses me off more. Now he's standin' there like he almost wants to get hit. And that makes me NOT wanta hit 'im just out a' principal.
"Go back up and take the day off. I got the fence today." I growled.
"You got it, Daryl," he says and turns to leave.
"And make sure Carol knows I didn't fuckin' punch ya," I yell over my shoulder and then turn to put my blade into a fuckin' mime of all things. Where are these mother fuckers even coming from, 1940's France?
Only two more at the far end of the fence and I get close and see a teenager with ratty jeans and a T-shirt says "I love farmers." And a young dude still wearin' his sunglasses and a ball cap that says "Fuck The Police".
These mother fuckers are mockin' me and I'm wishing I hadn't sent Axel away cause I need to punch someone and I can't get a good shot at these assholes through the fence. I settle for knifin' them then sit down to mope and wait for more dead to come mock me.
...........
I decide that I ain't gonna be the one to go get Rick and Carl tonight. Stayed out by the fence all day and when Glenn came down to the fences for a shift, I grumbled a goodbye and headed straight to the watch tower.
Shift didn't start for another hour but I chased Bob off and tried to forget about everything in the world. Realized too late that I's kinda hungry.
I wonder if I'm bein' a baby. Wonder if I AM blowin' things outa proportion. Wonder if Rick noticed I didn't come get him for dinner. Wonder what everyone's eatin' for dinner. Wonder why it's so hard for me to believe Rick loves me and so much easier for me to believe he don't.
The sun ain't quite set yet and I hear footsteps comin' up the ladder. Know they's Rick's. Know his footsteps whether they's barefoot paddin' to bed, stompin' through the forest, or climbin' up a ladder.
I put on a focused expression and try to will myself to act like nothin's wrong.
Rick pops open the door and climbs up. He smiles at me. His stupid giant smile that fills his whole stupid face, all teeth and eyes.
"Hungry?" He asks.
"Nah," I say at the same time my stomach roars.
He smiles again and tosses me a pack of beef jerky.
"Snack," he said.
I opened it cause I had to on account of my rumblin' belly.
"Brought desert, too," he said and tossed a packaged TastyKake at me. "Butterscotch Krimpet".
Well, whatever. I'll eat it. I do like Butterscotch. Rick knows.
He interrupts again as I'm busy tryin' ta give 'im the silent treatment. "Can I guess?"
"Guess what?" I say, mouth full of jerky.
"Guess why you're in a mood."
"Ain't in a mood," I say.
"Daryl. I know you. I know when you're in a mood."
I don't say nothin' cause .... Well, goddamnit, I'm in a mood.
He scoots closer ta me and uses his soft bedroom voice. "You're upset cause I didn't walk up with you to dinner last night. You're upset that I left early this morning. And your upset cause you can see in my eyes that I got something on my mind."
I frown at him and he knows me and he knows that means he's right.
And I know him and he's done talkin' til I say somethin' back.
"So you do have somethin' on you're mind. Somethin' you ain't tellin' me."
"I do," he said. "Got you on my mind."
"Nuh-uh," I say like I'm five. "Somethin' else." I meet his eyes and I'm right cause somethin's still in there. I finish the last of the jerky, ball up the wrapper and drop it.
He comes close and put my hand on his wrist and raises his hand to my cheek like the first way he ever touched me 'fore kissin'.
"Still the same thing that was on my mind the first night I kissed you. Want you to know your worth. Know what you mean to me. All this time and you still don't know."
His hand is hot on my cheek and his voice is makin' me reconsider the silent treatment.
"I know why you're worried," he whispers to me as he rubs his thumb over my lips. I swallow hard.
"You're worried I'm losing interest in this thing we have."
He leans in and kisses me soft and slow still with his hand 'gainst my cheek. I realize I still got my hand holdin' his wrist and I let it go and drop it to my lap. Only touch is Rick's lips and his hand now brushin' into my hair. And I can't 'member why I's so mad.
He kisses at me playfully tryin' to tease out a smile. I give him a little one cause I know he wants it and I always want to give Rick what he wants.
"Got you a present but your gonna think it's stupid," he says soundin' more like me than him.
"Ain't gonna think it's stupid." I say feelin' embarrassed bout acting like such a pussy all day.
He reached in his pocket and I'm wonderin' how somethin' could even be in there w'thout me knowin'. Then I 'member it's cause I's busy up here poutin' and ain't run my hands all over him yet today. Usually do that. Found some butterscotch candies there one time even.
He hands it to me and I'm still lookin' at his eyes cause I like lookin' in his eyes and feelin' his confidence. But confidence ain't there and his eyes look worried like mine's sposse'd ta look.
I look down in our little bit a' light and it's an old Indian arrowhead.
"Found it in the potatoes," he said hesitantly.
It's beautiful. I run my hand along the edges dulled by dirt and time. It's a ragged arrow found in the soft soil of a garden. It's like me and Rick just finding ourselves together from circumstances and comin' together. It's a gift just for me special and I suddenly feel bad for makin' so much fun of Rick for lovin' my blue rock.
"You think it's stupid?" He asks quietly and I realize I ain't even said thank you yet.
"I love it," I whisper still lookin' at it and feelin' it between my fingers.
He put his hand on my chin to take my 'ttention back on him.
"Daryl, this is more than just a thing we have between us. I love you. You are on my mind every second of every day. I want more. Want you to know this isn't a thing with an expiration date."
I'm dizzy in love and so stupid for doubting there was anything in Rick but love.
He turns the arrowhead over in my hands and angled it to the setting sun. "I engraved it. Do you still want it?"
It's marked with letters somehow made blue. DG.
"What's it stand for?" I ask softly runnin' my fingers over it.
"Daryl Grimes."