Chapter Text
Thursday, November 3, 2022
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Lorelei
Inhale. Hold. Two…three…four.
Exhale. Pause. Count to four.
Inhale. Hold. Two…three…four.
Wait for heart to stop racing.
The smell of roses was cloying, making my head swim. I glanced at the blood red and purest white arrangements. Why had I asked for roses? Why not a beautiful flower that had no scent? Why any flowers at all? It seemed such a waste. That money could’ve been spent elsewhere.
I looked at the faces, waiting, watching me expectantly. It had been so long since I’d sung in front of a crowd - not that this was a huge crowd. There were a few hundred people here, but it was also being webcast to who knew how many people. The last crowd I’d performed for, back in 2016 at the Hollywood Bowl, had filled the stadium - 17,500 people, give or take a few hundred. This was nothing.
And everything.
My hands were clasped so tightly together on the lectern, my knuckles were white. I pried them apart, laying them flat on the slanted wood top. I glanced at my wedding ring, light glinting off it, then looked back at the crowd.
You’ve got this, Lorelei. Just don’t break down.
My eyes skipped around the audience, trying to find someone who would hold my gaze, but everyone l looked at averted their eyes, even my family.
All except one.
Chris. My husband’s best friend. Chris was like the brother that Avery had never had. And it didn’t matter that he was Chris Evans, one of the most popular, most in demand actors in Hollywood - to Avery, he had just been Chris, his “brother from another mother.” He’d been half adopted into the Evans clan.
Chris gave me an encouraging smile. That was what I needed to give me courage. I nodded and began to sing, keeping my eyes on him, blocking out everything and everyone else.
My voice was crisp and clear and unwavering, ringing out like a bell, as I sang the Sinéad O’Connor song I had chosen - one of Avery’s favourites.
In this heart lies for you
A lark born only for you
Who sings only to you
My love
My love
My love
My hand instinctively went to my stomach, feeling the nervous flutter - and it was nerves…it was too early for anything more.
I am waiting for you
For only to adore you
My heart is for you
My love
My love
My love
I spared a thought for the baby growing inside me. It would only be the size of a pea right now, if I’d figured it out correctly. I thought I was seven weeks along. Avery and I had been trying for five years to get pregnant, and like with most things, once you stop trying - once you stop stressing and counting days and taking body temperatures so I’d know when I was ovulating and turning sex almost into a chore - that is when the miracle happens.
This is my grief for you
For only the loss of you
The hurting of you
My love
My love
My love
I had to pause when my voice almost wavered, and take a breath. Avery would never know about his child. I had been going to tell him on his forty-first birthday, which was a few weeks away.
But he was gone. He’d never see forty one. He was ashes in an urn. Transported from Los Angeles to Sudbury for the funeral service, soon to be placed in his family’s burial plot.
I continued singing, even as I thought about the knock on my door that had changed my life.
Last Saturday, Avery had been spending the afternoon running errands. I was cooking supper, and was beginning to wonder where he was when the doorbell rang. When I opened the door and saw the two police officers there, hats in hand, I went numb.
He had been at the grocery store, paying for our groceries. A disgruntled man came in, brandishing a weapon, looking for his estranged wife. She had been the cashier helping Avery. He’d put himself between the two of them, trying to talk the guy down, and had been shot for his bravery. The woman had also been shot, although she had pulled through. The man had killed himself in the parking lot.
I felt a tear roll down my face and automatically wiped it away as I finished singing the song - my lament.
I will have you with me
In my arms only
For you are only
My love
My love
My love
My voice tapered off and my eyes refocused - I had been watching Chris the whole time, but not seeing him. He was crying. My eyes skittered around the crowd - almost everyone was.
Somewhere, I found a well of strength and began my eulogy.
Chris
My mother, Lisa, put her hand on my forearm and squeezed. I glanced at her, giving her a sad smile. She handed me a tissue and I wiped my eyes.
‘Are you doing okay?’ Lisa asked.
I nodded. Was I though? I was barely holding my emotions in check. What I wanted to do was just start sobbing - big, body wracking sobs - but if Lorelei could get through singing that beautiful song, certainly I could refrain from making a spectacle of myself.
When Owen, Avery’s father, called me on Sunday to tell me what had happened, I had been stunned. I was in Atlanta, filming my next project, and I immediately made plans to take a few days off so I could attend his funeral.
Avery had been my best friend forever - he had been there, through thick and thin. He never changed how he treated me, no matter how famous Marvel had made me. He’d been my anchor - always there with a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen when I doubted myself, when life threatened to overwhelm me. He’d never failed to lift me up, to make me believe in myself.
And now, he was gone. The hole he left in my life would never be filled.
I turned my attention to Lorelei. Her brown-blonde hair was pulled back into a tight, sleek chignon. She had on a simple black pantsuit with an ivory blouse, black blazer and black heels. Diamond studs winked in her ear, the only jewelry she had on other than her wedding and engagement ring.
I’d met her a dozen times or so over the years. She’d always been polite, if a little standoffish. I thought maybe it was the German in her. Avery said it was nerves.
When she and Avery married, I was the best man. The last time I’d seen her was at Avery’s fortieth birthday party, almost a year ago. Avery had confided in me at the party that they had been trying for a baby for years, and he was beginning to lose hope. And now - he’d never have a child.
How she was holding it together, I had no idea. Maybe because she had been used to crowds and performing from the time before she and Avery married. She’d given it up for him - given up performing. She’d told me once in passing she’d never really been comfortable with the spotlight, preferring to work behind the scenes. She still wrote music, recorded by some of the best artists singing today.
I heard plenty of sniffles when she finished singing. She had kept her unfocused gaze on me the whole time. Now, she began the eulogy.
‘I want to thank everyone for being here. I know you all meant so much to Avery. I wish we were gathering for a happy reason. But you all know Avery - you understand why he did what he did - always trying to protect people. And I know if he was given the choice to do it again, he would. That’s who he was.
‘I don’t know if everyone knows our origin story…that I met Avery at UMass, that we didn’t exactly get along at the start - the old enemies to lovers trope.’
There was some scattered laughter - Lorelei and Avery had clashed when they first met in university in 2009 - Avery had been a teacher’s assistant. Lorelei had moved from Germany at twenty years old, and had been taking a music program - she was naturally talented - and was more instinctual with her art (belying the German stereotype for being precise perfectionists.) Avery had been very regimented, and the fireworks between the two of them had been incredible. They had fought the attraction for five long years, before finally admitting they were perfect for each other in 2014.
‘When we married in 2016, Avery really wanted me to take his last name - he thought it was hilarious, but I didn’t think I could handle being called Lorelei Lee.’ The crowd laughed. ‘Avery took to calling me Lei Lee, much to my consternation.’
Lorelei told a few funny stories about before they started dating and the arguments they would have. I looked around at the smiling faces - everyone here knew how much Avery and Lorelei loved each other. I could only wish that one day I’d find someone and have that same kind of relationship.
Lorelei talked about Avery’s family and his childhood, then briefly about his accomplishments working as a music editor in the film and television industry, the numerous awards he’d been nominated for over the last half dozen years, and the few that he had won.
‘But more than that - Avery was such a positive influence on everyone he met. He touched so many lives. He was a kind, gentle man, um…’ Lorelei paused, her hands fisting on the podium. She took a shaky inhale. ‘Sorry - I thought I’d make it. Um…he was a humble man. He’d be horribly embarrassed by this spectacle.’ She smiled through her tears. ‘But he would be so happy to see how many friends he had. To know that so many people cared for him, and loved him.’
She addressed his parents - ‘Owen and Helen - you raised an amazing human being. He saved a life - he helped a total stranger when many would have run. I’m not gonna lie - I hate that about him.’ She gave a sad laugh and shook her head. ‘But I also love that about him. I was so lucky to have him in my life.’ She wiped her cheeks with shaking hands. ‘Okay…um…I just want to thank everyone…and I know we have some other people here who want to speak, so…thank you. You all meant the world to Avery.’
Lorelei
I was about to lose it. I turned and blindly made my way to the room set aside for family. I couldn’t go back out there…couldn’t listen to the other eulogies. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and curl up in bed and never leave, but I still had to do the handshakes and hugs and the interment and gathering at the Lee’s home after.
I could hear muffled laughter - someone was telling a funny story. There were so many. The door quietly opened and my younger sister, Lina, came in the room.
She didn’t say anything, just came to me and wrapped her arms around me. I started sobbing, letting out everything I’d been holding in since Avery died. Crying for my future alone. Crying for our baby, who would never know his or her father.
‘That was beautiful,’ Lina said when I finally cried myself out. ‘You were amazing.’
I took a breath and blew my nose. ‘Lina, I need to tell you something. Don’t tell Mama or Papa…I need to be sure.’ I had to get this off my chest. I told her I was pregnant.
Her mouth dropped. ‘Oh god, Lore - how far along?’
‘I think seven weeks. I want to be sure that everything is okay. I don’t want to tell Owen and Helen until I can be certain. I don’t want them to face another loss if something goes wrong.’
‘Oh, Bienchen, did Avery know?’ Lina had called me “little bee” forever, because “I was always buzzing about being a bother.”
I shook my head. ‘I was going to tell him on his birthday.’ I felt myself welling up again. ‘If he’d known…he never would have put himself in that position. He wouldn’t have endangered himself. He’d still be here.’ I put my face in my hands. ‘What am I going to do?’
‘You can come back to Germany…Mama and Papa would love for you to come home.’
I shook my head. ‘No. I want to stay here. I want to be where Avery was.’
The door opened and the funeral director entered. ‘We’re just finishing up the eulogies. Do you need more time?’
I shook my head and pasted some semblance of a smile on my face. ‘No, I’m okay.’
I followed him out and stood off to the side, looking at the faces.
Chris was just finishing up his eulogy. ‘Avery was the fifth Evans’ child. He was my favourite sibling - ’ that got a laugh from Chris’s mom ‘ - and I’ll miss him. He was always there for me and he loved everyone here.’
Chris went back to his seat and the minister took the lectern, saying some words of comfort - Avery hadn’t been religious, but his parents were, so this was for them. My eyes drifted over the crowd. Chris caught my eye and nodded. I managed a smile, then turned my attention back to the minister.
Soon enough, it was done. That was it. Forty years distilled into one hour.
I was going to do everything I could to make sure my pregnancy was successful. For Avery. His memory. Our child would know what an amazing man Avery was.