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"I saw you with The Kingslayer."
Loras raised his eyebrows, "I hate to state the obvious, but jousting is a spectator sport; the entire crowd saw us."
"I saw more than that," Renly said.
Loras rolled his eyes, "Renly…"
"Don't! I know what I saw, Loras. You tried to impress him-"
"I was trying to win!"
"As always; but you were also being cocksure and obnoxious, which you reserve for when someone attractive catches your eye."
"You know I don’t want anyone but you," Loras said, frowning.
"I know you'd like me to be more like him-" Renly said, ducking his head a little in a rare show of vulnerability.
Loras stepped into his personal space and whispered in his ear, "Of course not, love… you'd look dreadful with golden flowing locks…"and bit him gently on the neck below his ear.
"A warrior," Renly said, looking serious, "You always tell me I should work harder at the sword."
"Because you have potential and you're lazy, not because I secretly wish you were Jaime Lannister!" Loras said, laughing.
"So, you've never thought about him… in that way?"
Loras paused, eyes on Renly. He pulled his lower lip between his teeth, then sighed, "Renly… everyone has had a Kingslayer fantasy at some point. He's the youngest man ever to be admitted into the White Guard, he's arguably the best swordsman in the kingdom… he's the Seven Kingdoms most unattainable white knight with a dark side… it's tragic and poetic and dangerous, and he's got that cocky-"
Renly was glaring.
Loras cut himself off, "The point is that it's a fantasy! Nobody actually wants a man who stabbed his king in the back! He has shit for honour, a bitch sister, a freak brother and a terrifying father-"
"Who's rich."
"As is mine."
"And you know Tyrion isn't so bad-"
"Not the point," Loras said.
"Yeah, the point is: how much have you fantasised about Jaime Lannister?"
"Actually, the point was: I love you Renly Baratheon and Jaime Lannister can go fuck his sister for all I care."
"Good," Renly smiled, smugness written all over his face, "that's all I wanted really."
Years later…
Loras couldn't help but feel the Lord Commander's eyes on him as he trained. It made him thrum from his core to know that Jaime was watching his every move. It made him want to show off, let Jaime admire him, just as it had at the joust all those years ago. The conversation with Renly reverberated through the years and Loras felt the pain in his chest return.
He lost his step and stumbled, taking a blow he should easily have blocked.
"Sloppy," Jaime shouted, "You're not so good you can afford not to try!"
Flushing darkly, Loras refocused and took control of the fight; he noticed Jaime looking at him with hard eyes and a grim set to his mouth. Then saw him turn and leave before Loras could finish his opponent. The man drove him mad.
Loras may want to show off to him, but this wasn't the man he had dreamed of when he first realised he preferred men. Despite that, Loras found him… interesting. Jaime Lannister wasn't the beautiful, dangerous, white knight that he'd been back then; now he was scarred and broken and his golden locks were replaced with stubbled hair and cheeks. What he had become was a shame and Loras knew it would be a stretch for anyone to consider Jaime beautiful now. And yet, Loras found the Lord Commander often invading his private thoughts, despite his guilt, disgust and dislike of the man.
For months after Renly died, Loras found that he couldn't touch himself at all; when he shut his eyes all he could see were the cold staring eyes, the body, the blood… and he'd just end up crying and feeling sick. Eventually, he progressed enough to keep Renly's memory at bay whilst he touched himself, but this also meant he had to focus his lust on someone else. So he thought of Jaime as he had been; beautiful and beardless and two-handed, the fantasy from years before. It was easy to think of that younger handsome Jaime as a different man from the one who mocked and glared and reprimanded him across the training yard. But the first time he'd thought about Jaime as he was now, it shocked him. When he imagined Jaime Lannister, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shoving him to his knees and demanding he suck his cock, Loras was surprised by how achingly hard it got him and by how hard he came.
Loras hung his cloak next to Jaime's in the common room of White Sword Tower; Jaime had already returned to the tower, which meant Loras was about to get berated for leaving training early, as well as his lapse in concentration during the fight. It had been a week since their conversation about the legendary knights of the Kingsguard and their deeds which earned them legendary status… and those who faded into obscurity, despite being deemed fit to protect their king.
Loras was sure that Jaime had been trying to chastise him for his arrogant behaviour… and he didn't entirely blame the Lord Commander, but every time he was in his presence, Loras couldn't help but preen and show off, which only seemed to further diminish Jaime's opinion of him. He was aware of this, but still found it impossible to stop himself.
Loras glanced at Jaime writing awkwardly in the White Book and looked away.
"Adding new deeds to the legendary book…?" he asked with a smile, hoping to avoid another aggressive exchange.
Jaime glanced up. He glared and set his jaw, shifting in his chair. He looked back down at the page and Loras got the impression that if the ink weren't still wet, Jaime would slam the book shut. Instead Jaime stood up quickly and walked around the table to stand between the book and Loras.
"Shouldn't you be in the training grounds now?"Jaime said.
"You know my training regime?"
"I'm the Lord Commander - I wrote your regime, boy." Jaime said disdainfully, "Why aren't you at the training grounds?"
"Because this boy already beat everyone sent at him… I'll go back when there's someone worth fighting," Loras looked up from under his lashes at Jaime.
Jaime stepped in closer and Loras almost stepped back, but caught himself.
"Do you need me to pat you on the head like a good dog?" Jaime snapped, "You know you're good and that's the problem. I was your age when I joined the Kingsguard; I know exactly what you think of yourself. You think you're invincible, think you're better than the rest of us old men, but you're just an arrogant little prick who's barely weaned from his mother's teat-"
"You know I'm better than them," Loras growled, "You just won't say it!"
Jaime laughed, "and that drives you insane because everyone has always told you how wonderful you are! I know, believe me, I do…"
"I'm not you!" Loras shouted, "Can't you just stop hating me for who you were?!"
Jaime stood with his mouth open, staring at Loras.
Loras took a breath, shuddering and held it.
He waited. Thought about fleeing the room, maybe the city as well…
Then Jaime nodded and turned away from Loras, "Fine. Stop being a brat though. It doesn't suit you."
Loras breathed, "Fine."
"You are better than them," Jaime said in a casual tone, "but you joined the Kingsguard when standards are at an all time low, so that's not saying as much as it should of your skill."
"I'm better than them... but not you though?!" Loras quipped before he could help it.
"What do you think?" Jaime raised an eyebrow.
"I think I could take you," Loras smirked, "in a fight, I mean..."
"Fine, but I have to warn you…" Jaime stepped in closer again, put both his flesh and golden hand against the wall either side of Loras and looked down at him, then leaned in and whispered, "I wouldn't fight fair..."
"Neither would I," Loras smirked, turning his head so he was breathing Jaime's breath in, "Dirty is more fun."
Then the Lord Commander pushed him back against the white cloaks and kissed him hard and demanding, licking into his mouth, making promises Loras couldn't wait for him to keep.
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