Work Text:
Sebastian, Duke of Kingston, stopped breathing as he read the letter again. And again. His private office in the Challon Estate was quiet, the air around him seemingly still. This was how his life was gonna fall apart, the sins of his past finally catching up to him.
An outside child. An illegitimate son sired years before he married his wife.
The ironic thing was that the Sebastian in the past, the rake responsible for such dire outcome, would have received such news with nothing but sneering indifference and an impersonal shrug. However, the present man, the Duke who carried the burden of his title with honor and severity, the father who wholeheartedly adored and protected his five children, and the husband of unwavering devotion to Evangeline Challon, née Jenner, was a much better man. A man who knew guilt and acknowledged it. A conflicting set of emotions roiled inside him; devastation, terror, curiosity, and longing. Because, heaven help him, he had another son and the urge to protect the boy, to keep him from harm, was already there, brought into existence in a snap of a single letter.
This version of Sebastian was the product of three decades of growth made possible because a gentle hearted wallflower with a core of steel took her chance with him, to love him and all the ugly facets of his being, of his past. With unwavering tenacity, she demanded his loyalty. With constant patience, she taught him love. She upturned his life, then in turn, he offered her his soul. Even after three decades of marriage, he will never deserve her.
Damn it, how the devil was he gonna tell Evie?
He was gonna lose her, Sebastian thought with irrepressible panic as he watched his wife read the letter. Anger and disgust at himself threatened to burn his stomach, the self loathing blazing his skin. Why, why, why was his old self so damned stupid? Evie halted her reading, gradually, raising her beautiful blue eyes to look at him. Her look betrayed nothing, a kind of wall of defense she equipped in the earlier stages of their marriage. Sebastian felt his chest constrict.
“Evie, I never knew.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “Sebastian-“
“I will do whatever you ask of me, darling. I swear on my honor, however stained it may be, that I had no idea,” he muttered with a measure of desperation.
“H-how old is the boy?”
Her question rankled him to his core. Was she questioning his loyalty to her? After everything they’ve been through? Indignation threatened to spill out of him, the words already at the tip of his tongue, but the reality of his past actions shoved it all back down to his throat. She had every right to doubt him, this was the cost of his trespasses. Another surge of self loathing threatened to overwhelm him.
“Thirty two years old. This happened before I married you, a few years before. She never told me until this letter. Evie… my love, the moment I pledged my life to you, there has been no one else. Only you, till the day I take my last breath. Please believe me.”
Please don’t leave me, he plead internally, like a beggar asking for scraps of hope.
His wife remained silent, reading the letter again with slightly pursed lips. Sebastian felt his heart drop, the anxiety in his bones eating him alive. Every moment of silence from her was a graze to his heart. Then Evie lifted her face to direct her attention back at him again. Her eyes, that unwavering blue gaze, burrowed into his own icy pair, looking directly into his soul, splaying him open, bare.
I love you, I love you, I love you, his heart screamed internally, desperately, wanting her to know that this changes nothing and that he needed her tender guidance in this situation more than ever. Please, Evie. There was no one else but you. There will never be anyone else but you.
Her eyes softened as she raised her right hand to caress his own. Sebastian caught it quickly, bringing it to his face to feel the warmth of her palm on his cheek, relishing in the feel of her skin, her kindness. He kissed her palm, keeping his lips there as anchor.
“I know, Sebastian. I believe you, I never had a doubt,” she said.
The moment she said those words, a sob threatened to spill from his lips.
“…but give me t-time.”
Sebastian’s heart dropped, the temporary relief of her earlier words vanished in a mere second. He can’t lose her. He can’t allow it. He would do anything.
“For how long, my love?” He asked, trying to be casual, but the terror he felt was consuming him whole.
“P-Pandora told me that she and Gabriel will be visiting Hampshire two d-days from now,” she took a long breath before continuing, “I’ll go with them to visit Lillian. I’m only planning to… stay for a few days, a week at most. L-look after Seraphina and Ivo, will you?”
Everything inside Sebastian was screaming at the prospect of being away from her, albeit just a week. The stammer in her voice betrayed the feelings she tried her best to hide behind that tenacity. His hand grasping her own trembled but he tightened his hold, never wanting to let her go.
“Evie, please,” he whispered in pure agony.
“Sebastian,” she took her other hand to caress the other side of his face, forcing him to look at her.
“Give me time, Sebastian,” she leaned in as she pulled his forehead down to touch her own. Her husband grabbed her waist to pull her into him, luxuriating in the comfort of her skin even when everything in him was threatening to break apart.
“He is yours, therefore, he is mine as well. I will love him as I love our children. We’ll look for him, we’ll care for him, we’ll protect him. He will want for nothing,” Evie let go, pushing off his arms to step away from his body. She raised her chin, there was a hint of pain in her eyes and a strain on her smile.
“But give me time.”
They slept in the same bed but Sebastian felt like his wife was worlds away, her mind elsewhere. He made love to her, worshipping her in the ways he best knew, trying in desperation to reach her, make her feel so good she remembers that she was his and change her mind from going to Hampshire. But it was obvious the nights were only a distraction for Evie, that no matter how much he made her body tremble in pleasure, her heart was walled off and he was barred from it. No matter how temporary it may be, it grated him. He trusted her words, was certain she will come back to him, but the pain of her distance from him in the first place gave him nothing but overwhelming despair.
The first night without Evie in his bed was hell on earth. Sebastian always believed that self-contempt was tedious in excess and pitying oneself is best left to the frail minded men, as he considered himself above those wretched emotions, but when Evie was concerned, he was the weakest of mortals.
Work made mornings bearable at the very least, as the estate and his business empire were demanding mistresses. Distraction was his key to surviving this separation. But, on the second evening, during dinner with Seraphina and Ivo, when his son asked why his mother suddenly left for Hampshire, Sebastian froze. The ear splitting sound of knife grazing the porcelain plate too hard the proof of his shock.
“Did you and mum have a fight, father?” The redheaded boy asked quietly, looking at his father with uncertain eyes. The young boy stopped calling Evie mum the moment he started wearing trousers, but in moments of distress, the term came out naturally.
“She will come home, right?” Ivo questioned, his knuckles white as he gripped his utensils tightly. Sebastian felt his temper rise, a problem he never lets his children see.
“Of course she will! I’ll drag her back to me if I have to!”
He saw the moment both Seraphina and Ivo’s expression changed darkly, a look of warning to their father. Ivo’s uncertainty turned into protectiveness. Sebastian almost forgot, lulled by Evie’s presence and unwavering role as his wife, that their children would choose her over him in a heartbeat. Yes, they respected him and loved him, but Evie was everything to them. She was their solace, her existence the solid foundation in which their family was built on. They revered her, protected her, and would lay down their life for her. He would know, he was the one who taught them how. He took a slow breath, reigning in his anger.
“Forgive me, son. I did not mean that. Your mother said she will come back in a few days. We did not have a fight, she just needed a few days away.”
From me, he thought pitifully.
His son stared at him with the same eyes as Evie when she read the letter, as if looking through him, inside the remains of his tattered soul. Sebastian felt bare yet again.
“I forgive you, father.”
I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. His mind reeled with thoughts he can’t control, of huge blue eyes and a delectably warm smile. He thought that it would get easier as the nights passed by but every night she was away was a stab to his very existence. He felt himself withering.
Just give me time, his wife says, and the childish and ill-tempered facet of Sebastian’s mind was tempted to argue with her. He hid nothing from her and told the news as soon as the letter arrived. He cannot turn back time and refrain his old idiotic self from having an affair with a married woman. He was powerless to change this blasted fate, why was she punishing him like this. But no, she was not punishing him at all. His wife asked nothing from him, only time and space to process their changed circumstances. It made complete sense and he should be thankful she was not planning on abandoning this life they’ve built together, but he can’t stay away anymore. Four nights in hell was enough. He needed to see her. He would kneel and beg if he had to. It was probably unseemly, pathetic even, but Sebastian decided that dignity be damned. He would do anything, anything, for her to not leave him. He would play the villain again if that what it came to. He cannot lose her, he would rather simply die.
“Father.”
Sebastian turned to look at their second daughter, Seraphina, as he waited for the carriage to be brought by the entrance. Gabriel and Raphael’s likeness was Sebastian’s own face, Phoebe was definitely Evie’s daughter. Ivo was more of his maternal grandfather, Ivo Jenner, than both of them. But Seraphina, with her angelic face and slender but soft form, was the perfect combination of both Evie and Sebastian’s features. All their children were the product of their love, but she was the physical proof of their union. Sebastian thought of his lost son, of how he was not made out of love, but of a mistake. His chest caved, he would find him after all of this. He is yours, therefore, he is mine as well, Evie said the day she read the letter and the anguished part of him held unto those words like a lifeline.
“Yes, darling?” He asked as their daughter stood beside him. Seraphina grabbed his arm, leaning her head on his shoulder.
“What happened?”
Sebastian held his daughters hand with his own, taking a deep breath before answering, his voice almost catching in his throat.
“My past has finally come to haunt me, my angel."
The moment Sebastian stepped foot on Stony Cross Park in Hampshire, he instantly knew Evie was not there. It was late in the evening, the manor quiet in the night. A surge of panic overwhelmed his senses. He walked past the butler and footmen who greeted his arrival and went straight to Lord Westcliff’s office with ground eating strides.
“Where is my wife?!” He demanded as soon as he opened the heavyset wooden doors. Marcus was standing, leaning over his desk with crossed arms, as if he long expected the arrival of this fiendish foe. There was a warning in Marcus’s dark eyes.
“Good evening, Kingston. I see you’ve lost your sense of courtesy. How was the train ride?” He asked cordially as if Sebastian wasn’t panting like a crazed man in search of his missing duchess.
“To hell with courtesy, Westcliff! Where the devil is my wife?!“ he exclaimed as he walked towards his friend, grabbing the lapels of Marcus’ evening shirt in anger. “Where is she?! Are you hiding her from me?”
Westcliff stayed still, watching his friend’s outrage calmly, observing the expression on his travel-worn face. Kingston was trembling, wretched fear eclipsing the fury he displayed.
“She went to London with Lillian two days ago. They’ve decided to visit Annabelle Hunt. They will be back tomorrow, they said. Evie told me she was planning to go home the next day.”
Excruciating relief flooded Sebastian’s being. He let go of his friend, breathing in new lungful of airs. Marcus watched him quietly before asking, “What happened?”
The blonde haired man grabbed into his coat pocket then handed Marcus the letter. He then seated himself on one of the available chairs as he combed through his hair with his hands. Sebastian only trusted a handful of people with his life and on top of the list, below Evie, was Westcliff. This journey to Stony Cross was not only for the sake of taking his wife back home but also to talk to his friend as well. He rarely asked for guidance and advice but Sebastian had been a walking empty shell the moment Evie left him for Hampshire.
“I see,” Marcus declared as he folded the letter after he finished reading it.
“If you’re planning to scold me and give me a speech about irresponsibility, do know that I’m already planning on looking for the child. I will declare him as my own, he will have my protection and I will do right by him. I sired him, therefore, he is mine,” Sebastian said defensively, brows furrowing at his friend. “I know you loathe scandals, and believe me, I’ve grown an aversion towards them too. But he is my son and heaven help me, Westcliff, but I care for the boy already.”
Marcus watched his friend with keen eyes before stating, “I have assumed that you came here to ask for advice but I see you’ve already decided which path to take. Tell me, Kingston, why are you telling me this, then?”
“Would you do the same, Marcus?”
The earl tilted his face at the query, watching his friend’s questioning glance.
“Of course I would.”
A visible sigh of relief exhaled from Sebastian. It rattled him how much Marcus’s input mean so much to him, how his agreement lifted the burden albeit a little, as Evie told him that trusting someone else’s words and decisions was a sign of strength. God, he needed to see her soon.
“I now understand why Lady Kingston has decided to visit Lillian out of the blue. If Lillian was in her position, she would have waged war with me until I grovel before her feet. I would gladly do it, mind you, as no pride is worth her fury. You, however, are lucky your wife asked only for time and space, yet here you are. Impatience will not gift you her forgiveness, Sebastian.” The dark haired man scolded mildly, making Sebastian close his eyes in frustration.
“Marcus, I am terrified. I cannot lose her.”
The earl’s eyes softened.
“I would grovel before her. Rather, I would prefer if she waged war with me outright than this distance she set between us. She has always been obstinate, so I cannot comprehend this sort of retreat from her,” Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose before covering his eyes with the heels of his hands. “She told me she will come back and just give her time but I can’t help but think I might lose her over this and you know I would rather blaze everything around me to the ground than have her leave me. I can’t do this, Westcliff. I will perish in anguish if she does.”
Marcus laid a hand on his shoulder making Sebastian look up. There, in the earl’s dark eyes, was a glimpse of pure understanding. He would know this, the feeling of devastating love that can consume a man whole.
“Your wife is the strongest person I know. I’ve learned to not be deceived by her softness. But remember, Kingston, perseverance and strength are not built in a day. Steel cannot be scavenged raw from the Earth, it’s created through fire and forging. And when done right, it is indestructible. Evie has steel in her core but it has been latched secure with only your family at its center. Let her rebuild it, to make space for your son. Give her time.”
Sebastian gave him a weak smile, the first one he’s made in days.
“Evie doesn’t hate him, Westcliff. She told me she would love him as her own,” The duke felt his throat tighten at the thought of his wife and her never ending supply of affection, at how much of it replenishes his own.
“You know how our wives are, Kingston,” the earl added as he gave Sebastian a reassuring smile of his own. “Their love is unceasing.”
Sebastian went straight to the room Evie had stayed in. Most of her things were still there and only a handful of gowns were brought to London with her. The beddings were only straightened the maid told him, it was still the same sheets the duchess laid on. Sebastian washed and ate in the room, refusing to leave the comfort of her past presence there. He burrowed himself in the warm sheets, noting that his wife’s fragrance lingered in between the pillows. A creamy gentle rose smell. He succumbed to the darkness, entering a lull of slumber, the most peaceful one he had since she went away.
“Sebastian.”
He woke up to small, tender hands caressing his face, moving his hair from his cheeks. He knew who was beside him the moment she touched him. He could feel his heart beating again.
“Wake up, you impatient man,” Evie’s voice was softly scolding but it was hers and she was his and the world was spinning once more. He cracked an eye open, catching one of her hands into his.
“Am I dreaming, my love? Or have I finally gone insane? I’ve been imagining you everyday since you left me and this is the first time I could touch your skin. I would argue I might have expired in my sleep and ended up in heaven but we both know that’s impossible,” Sebastian’s dry morning voice cracked but he could not care less because that made Evie’s eyes twinkle in amusement.
“I was planning to go home tonight but of course you would follow me here,” she chided but there was no furrow in her brow, no distant look in her gaze. Her eyes were clear and steady, like sapphire glinted with pure starlight. There’s solid resolution in her gaze, a clear proof of decision. Sebastian felt the thundering of his chest. He sat up, not letting go of her hand. After taking a long breath, the words tumble out of him, the emotions he can't control.
“I can’t do it, Evie. Those five nights away from you were hell on Earth. We need to talk, to fix this,” he begged while gazing at her eyes. “I know I’d hurt you, I know that a son outside our marriage is proof of how much of a scoundrel I was, of how unworthy I am of you. I know that our family would be the victims of scandal, and our children would have questions. I would handle everything, I would face all of this and bear this burden alone. I won’t let anyone else’s judgement reach you. Forgive me for my past sins not only affect me, but they haunt you too.” He took another breath before continuing, there was a slight tremble in his voice.
“Just please stay by my side, Evie. I can face everything as long as I have you with me. Life will not be worth living if I do not have you in it. Please, my love.” He lifted her hand towards his mouth, kissing her fingers one by one. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, his throat stinging.
Evie grabbed his chin to make him look at her, the clarity in her eyes were unceasing. She moved closer to him, planting herself on his chest. Sebastian wrapped his arms around her voluptuous form tightly, relishing in the scent of her, the warmth of her.
“Sebastian, I chose you thirty years ago, and I’ll choose you everyday of my life. I c-confess that the news came as a shock, and there were questions that I needed to think about. Y-you’re right, I was worried about our family, of what a child with another woman would mean to us. But I realized, that child was not born out of love, wasn’t he? Please promise me to never call him a burden, Sebastian. I stand by what I said when you showed me the letter, we will face this challenge together,” she said. Her voice was gentle but Sebastian could feel the strength and kindness of her spirit, the compassion in her words. “I just needed a moment to recognize these emotions I carry for him. Sympathy, compassion, love. I am your wife, therefore, he is our son. I love him the moment he existed in our lives.”
A sobbed released from his lips, the breath he didn’t he was holding was released. He roved his hands around her body, savoring the feeling of her in his arms. Relief like he never felt before flooded his system, his soul.
“Thank you, for g-giving me time and space. Well, as much time and space as you can,” she chuckled before pushing herself off of him too look directly into his eyes. “But I did not go away only for my sake, Sebastian.”
Her husband’s confused gaze lingered on her face.
“You ask forgiveness from me but I’ve never blamed you for your past the moment you told me you love me. You talk about sins and mistakes but you are only a man who made bad choices, as well as good ones. I needed time to think, as have you. How about you, dearest, have you finally forgiven yourself?”
Ah, Sebastian thought with complete awe and reverence, this is the reason I love her.
Brilliant, perceptive woman who understood him more than he understood himself. Of course she knew the moment the letter arrived that he was stewing in self-loathing and disgust, of how he believed he was so unworthy of her love. The self imposed pining for her was genuine, yes, but he also craved the image of forgiveness she brought with her.
“You are the most magnificent being to ever walk this Earth,” he whispered as he took a lock of red hair from her shoulder, clasping it against his lips. “You know I will die believing myself unworthy of you. But I am trying my damndest, Evie.”
“Then that is enough. I love you, Sebastian. What I said thirty years ago still stands today. I love you, and will love you, without conditions.”
Sebastian grabbed her head and sought her mouth to his, kissing her with abandon. He groaned in relief. The longing and pining in his veins tempered in the wake of her lips on his. His blood surged, the decades old passion between them only getting stronger the longer they rouse it. Five nights of not holding her in his arms was enough to cause him madness.
She gasped as he gently pushed her down the bed, roving his lips on every part of her skin he sees.
“I love you, Evie. I love you so much I am drowning in it.”
The reminder of the same confession he made a long time ago made her eyes shimmer, her splendid smile so bright it overshadowed the sunlight coming in from the windows.
“My love is upon you.” She whispered back before they made love.
Ivo and Seraphina greeted their parents as soon as they heard the carriage arriving. Their son dropped all pretenses of being a grownup and embraced Evie like a child who finally found his mother after getting lost in the shopping district. Seraphina kissed her father’s cheek after giving him a look of relieved approval.
“Mum, did father drag you back with him?” Ivo asked worriedly. Sebastian choked as Evie blinked at the question.
“What do you mean by drag, my love?” She asked her son with a confused gazed. Ivo watched her face, staring at her with practiced observation, before nodding at himself with relief and satisfaction.
“Never mind my question, mother. You do not look like someone who was taken against her will,” Ivo answered as Evie laughed before turning to Sebastian with an inquiring gaze.
“I may have lost my temper in a dinner once,” he confessed guiltily.
“What do I look like, then?” His wife asked their children with an amused smile on her face. Seraphina answered her, grinning at her parents with pride and wonder.
“You look like someone who is abundantly loved.”