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Midoriya Izuku doesn’t really understand what love supposed to feel like.
At the age of five, his father left him at his mother’s care. Deemed him useless, a waste of space, and he’s tired living a life with a burden of a son.
At five, Midoriya Izuku lost his father’s love, along with the chances that come along with it.
Growing up wasn’t easy for the boy. With a busy mother and an absent father, he began to pick up the scraps of affections other gave him. For too many times, Kacchan and his goons have been tormenting him, leaving bruises along his arms and legs, but he won’t complain, he’ll stay silent as long as Kacchan’s eyes stayed on him.
He’ll do anything to keep the only human interaction he can get.
For too long he lived with leftover pity and sympathy that he take as affection, the once pure and naïve heart grew more and more hollow as days passed.
He was eleven, eavesdropping to whispers from upperclassmen about their dirty secrets and deepest desires. He heard what those boys will do once they get their hand on their person of interest and Izuku began to feel his empty shell of chest feel the longing. The need to be wanted. He wanted to be treated the way those upperclassmen said they would.
Then it started to change, it’s quiet, unassuming but then again, nobody really pay too much mind at the green-haired boy at the first place. He began to take pictures of himself in a way that other people may take interest in him. He began to create his own persona.
It’s addicting.
The first time someone gave him attention, Izuku felt ecstatic. They began to talk with each other, the other person began to ask for more, and Izuku is willing to do so.
Izuku knew he’s messed up in the head. He knew whatever happened in the past has changed him to the point he’s currently in today, but then again, his hollow chest kept begging for affection, he wanted to feel satiated, he needed more.
At the age of twelve, Izuku has lost himself. He met up with the person he chatted with, exchanged sweet words with each other, letting the man, who’s far too old for him, to hold his fragile heart, along with his small body.
Rose-tinted glasses he wore turned danger signs into yearning love.
Izuku doesn’t know what love supposed to be like, but when the man fully devoted himself to Izuku, that’s where he wanted to give everything up to stay like this, wanted by someone.
He ignored the rising bile at the back of his throat as everything escalate. He ignored the ache in his heart, the feeling of loss that Izuku himself doesn’t quite understand.
He didn’t know why he felt that way. Even more confused on why he wanted it back, yet doesn’t know how.
Then the man left. Morning came and Izuku is left on his own, on a messy white sheet, naked with whatever scraps left form the night before. He never knew being left behind would feel this painful, this empty.
Tears running through his face, not understanding the complex emotions coursing through his body, turning whimpers into sobs and finally a loud guttural cry. Regret, loss, disappointment, and fury made it’s way through him, all melded into one until it formed into beads of tears that spilled down the boy’s fair cheeks.
He wanted it back. He wanted to feel whole again.
He just doesn’t know how.
At thirteen, everything spirals into a mess. Izuku can’t seem to satiate himself with just a night, he kept finding more and more men to spend his time with, writhing and moaning under heavy bodies that’s far too old, too tall, too unsuitable for a boy his age. The target he chose kept changing day by day, and so with the fading light inside his eyes.
One turned five, five turned into a dozen and by the time he gained his conscious mind again, he began to lose count. Hands on his hips, lips meeting his own small one and gazes that made his body quivers from how manic they are.
Like seeing a prey that’s ready to be feasted on.
The boy kept denying the growing thoughts at the back of his mind, repeating on how he’s in control, hypnotizing himself.
Dull green eyes kept scanning around his classroom, he can hear Kacchan’s shouts, insults and derogatory words that’s hurled at him. Though, the boy could care less. These kids couldn’t hurt him the way those men could.
They can’t hurt him the way Izuku did to himself.
The green haired boy directly skips the puppy love phase, insisting that he’s too mature for such ordeal. He has went as far as the last step, so why would love matters when they’re under the sheets?
It kept going on and Izuku knew Kacchan is getting suspicious with his late-night endeavour. Though he could care less whether Kacchan knew or not, since he’s just a weak, useless Deku, so Izuku hopes Kacchan would leave him alone considering how far beneath his worth is compared to the ash blond boy.
Fourteen came around. It wasn’t anything special for Izuku, until he heard those words.
“Go take a swan dive off the roof and hope that you’ll have a quirk in your next life!”
Whatever pieces left of him finally shatters and broke, too tired to do anything, the boy kept quiet watching the once close friend of his turned into someone he can’t recognize. Izuku laid on the dirty bathroom floor, thoughts empty as he went silent with the mess that is his life.
The sludge villain happened, he saw Katsuki got entangled by the villain. It’s not out of heroic acts as Izuku tried to convince himself, in fact he knew deep down he hoped it was him that’s taken, maybe he can finally rest knowing his name will be etched as a poor victim instead another quirkless kid that died from suicide.
He didn’t think really, his feet bolted way too fast before his brain can process. He began to struggle and grabbed Katsuki’s arm, trying to exchange the blonde boy’s place with himself. But before everything took turn to the worse, All Might came and save the day, like usual.
The event that follows after is akin to a dream that came true. Izuku can finally feel his beating heart again.
He began to train with All Might, inherited his quirk, entered U.A and live the life he can only imagine in quiet nights all alone. When the dorm rule got implemented, Izuku began to pack his belonging that he can bring.
But as he took out some clothes deep inside his closet, a familiar black phone can be seen through the gaps. Izuku stared at the phone he knew well that kept many of his darkest past, photos and videos that captures his lowest moment, and he began to understand why he felt regret.
His smile held bitterness in it, his eyes are hollow as he began to mutter apology to an empty space. Though he knew those apologies are meant for the past that can never be taken back, a past he wished he never lived.
The slight memory lane didn’t ruin his whole day after. He already made friends, he met Todoroki, a boy with the same bruised soul, yet different past. He made up his past with Katsuki, he began to stop searching for scraps of affections he found in late night bars, he stopped finding comfort from stranger’s touch, so the sight of such insignificant thing can hardly moves any waves inside his heart.
He finally learnt to have his life in control again. He began to learn to be kind with himself.
Though there’s some accidents and villain attacks that kept happening, Izuku knew he’ll be alright as long as his teacher and friends are there.
Everything seemed too good to be true. And it is.
Like a mirage, it always meant to shatter, leaving the dreamer to wake up and face the harsh reality.
It all started like usual. Though Izuku has this feeling that something might go wrong but he ignored it, only assuming such thoughts are a part of his anxiety riddled brain.
He really should’ve listen to his gut.
Waking up was normal, so is walking down to the common room and have his breakfast with the others. The walk and jokes to the class has eased his mind a little but when Mina and the other came in, somehow the air began to shift. Izuku can feel the gazes and stares the Bakusquad gave him. Izuku just gave them a confused frown in response but whenever he turned his head around, Mina and the others began to evade his eyes.
That's the first unusual occurrence this morning, Izuku thought, the second is how late Aizawa-sensei is today, and he's never late.
Class 1-A also felt how unusual the Bakusquad was behaving. They sent each other confused glances, some even asked them on why they’re so eerily silent today. Though, no one answered.
Katsuki came at last. He wasn’t loud or annoying like usual, instead he just sent a pointed glare towards the greenette, “De- Izuku, come with me, we need to talk.”
Izuku is confused and bewildered, “Bu-“
“NO BUTS! GET YOUR ASS UP AND COME WITH ME!”
No other words to say, Izuku stood up and followed Katsuki towards the hallways, not before sending his friends a consoling smile.
Outside the hallway, Katsuki looked visibly uncomfortable. Izuku kept glancing back and forth, in hopes that the teachers haven’t arrive yet. When Izuku set his sight on the blonde teen, he notices Katsuki handed him his phone.
“What’s wrong?” Izuku asked, for some reason his gut kept twisting and churning inside.
Katsuki scowled, though there’s something unusual about the way he behaved himself towards Izuku today, “Open it and see for yourself.”
Izuku sent out sceptical gaze, assessing Katsuki from top to bottom before he took the phone and turned it on himself. Katsuki’s phone has no password in it, so the moment it turned on Izuku finally saw it’s content.
A young boy, skin pale and thin, writhing under a man’s body. Tears seemed never stopped pouring out from his wide doe eyes. He knew those eyes. He used to loathe how dull these eyes looked. He used to despise the boy inside this video.
Katsuki saw how his friend’s eyes grew hollower the longer the video played. He swallowed the lump at his throat when he saw Izuku’s body grew slack. Not wanting to see more of this, Katsuki grabbed his phone back and cautiously asked Zuku, “Izuku, did you really do those… things?”
Katsuki should’ve known honestly. Back in middle school, Izuku would always walk around in clothes that’s too tight against his skin, suddenly went missing times and times again, and the one that used to frightens him is how his friend would come to class as if his soul has been hollowed out, only the shell of Midoriya Izuku he once knew.
Though after attending U.A, Izuku seemed to change for the better. He began to have a healthy flush on his face, his smiles and laughter became more genuine, the light came back in his eyes, emerald eyes glow brighter than before.
Katsuki remembered on how he exhaled a long sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding.
Though now… he began to beat himself on how stupid he was not noticing the signs that was right in front of him. Even if he didn’t know the things that have been happening, at least he knew his friend suddenly felt wrong.
Izuku doesn’t respond. The longer the time passed, Katsuki’s growing panic almost burst out of his chest. He couldn’t think of anything, he didn’t know if his decision on asking Izuku was right but all he knew is that Izuku needed help, and he’s sure as hell ain’t going to let it go this time.
Dragging Izuku’s limp body back to the dorms, Katsuki can feel his green haired friend’s mind is lost, he’s dissociating, he thought to himself.
Once he dragged Izuku back into his room, Katsuki began to gently held the greenette’s arm, slowly guiding his body to lay down on the mattress. Sudden tears began to spill from emerald eyes, and fuck, Katsuki began to curse at himself on shitty he is at consoling others, especially something as bad as this.
Katsuki tried his best to soothe Zuku. Patting his head until the boy felt tired and finally cried himself to sleep. The blonde began to dry the remaining tears left only meeting Aizawa-sensei’s tired eyes just as he was about to go out from Zuku’s room.
Aizawa-sensei might seem tired and annoyed but Katsuki can see the growing concern brewing underneath those eyes.
“Let him sleep, I’ve heard everything from the principal. Don’t worry U.A will get to the bottom of this. We’ll help Midoriya as best as we can.”
And that’s all Katsuki needed to hear before his own eyes turned foggy.
For the first time in his life, Katsuki cried for his friend’s past. He cried out his sorrows on what could’ve been done, what he could’ve prevented if he just stops and ask.
Oh, how regret always comes far too late.
The rest of the day was filled with gloom so to say. Apparently the video went viral for a while until it got taken down and investigated. Even though erasing a piece of data is as easy as a tap, but people’s memory isn’t as easy.
The whole class found out about the video. In fact, some of the class 1-B found out about it, even Monoma, the boy who always tried to taunt and provoke class 1-A knew that this is a line he’ll never cross. A boundary he knew he should never broach.
It was silent. At class, during lunchbreak and even after class. No one knew what to say, no one wanted to break the elephant in the room, trying their best to be ignorant despite the glum wafting over their body.
They then found Katsuki, eyes red while he sat on the couch. They knew Katsuki didn’t came back till’ the rest of the class because of the thing that have been going on.
“Baku-“ Mina tried to call out.
“Aizawa-sensei is handling it with principal Nezu. They’re still investigating on who spreads the video. Izuku is now sleeping in his room, so you fuckers shouldn’t come up and bother him.”
Silence all around.
“So it’s all true?” Uraraka is the first to break the silence. Her voice wavers, trying to held back from breaking down.
Katsuki glances at them, eyes far too tired to be on the angry teen, “Yeah, I didn’t know it either, should’ve seen the signs.” Katsuki then sigh and got up to get himself a glass of water. God knows how hoarse his voice is from all of that crying.
They don’t know what to do.
They never thought their resident sunshine has faced such bleak start. Worse yet on how his past was spread to the whole world to see.
Mina, Kirishima and Kaminari still remembered the comments under that disgusting video.
What a slut!
Made me wanna fuck that crying face
Kid gonna grow up to be a bitch I bet!
And more that the three would rather forget from their memory.
Anger, helplessness and sympathy welled up inside their hearts. They wanted to help their resident sunshine the way he helped them before.
Determination flashed in their eyes.
They're going to be there for Izuku.
Sleep isn’t easy for Izuku. After everything that happened, Izuku tried to burrows himself further inside his blanket. He doesn’t want to face disgusted glares, he doesn’t want to hear the insults and worse yet, he doesn’t want to see the disappointed stare All Might will give him.
Izuku is tired.
Far too tired for a boy his age.
But the more he kept himself inside, the more his stomach kept growling for food. He glanced at the time. It’s noon. He hopes his friends aren’t in the common room right now. God knows he doesn’t want to face anyone as of right now.
But he still needs to eat, so he gathers up the little energy he has left and stood up to walk outside his room.
Once he made out, he wanted to forgot how long it took him to just twist the handle, but there’s no going back now. Izuku doesn’t know what he looked like right now, but he knew he must’ve looked like crap. Since he also felt like one.
Going down to the common room was frightening to sat the least. His heart kept thumping, as if it’s about to jump out from his chest, and the pain in his stomach seemed to magnify.
The moment he reached common room, silence all around.
The originally quiet atmosphere became even more silent once Izuku walked towards the kitchen to grab some food. The green haired boy can feel the gazes on him as he walked towards the kitchen. Kacchan came up to him when Izuku kept rummaging the fridge for food. He handed Izuku a plate of warm katsudon, seemed like the blonde made this knowing he’ll wake up anytime soon.
“Thanks.” Izuku almost cringes on how hoarse his voice is, though he still whispers his thanks and turned around to walk back to his room before Kacchan stopped him on his tracks.
“Y’know, whatever the fuck you’re thinking right now, just stop it. We’re going to be here anytime you want, nerd. So… you can trust us Zu. And I’m sorry.’ Katsuki’s voice got lower and lower until it turned into a whisper at the end.
Izuku glanced back at his friend, “For what?” Eyes are still dull but his curiosity has piqued.
“Everything, Zu. You don’t deserve any of the shit me, those kids and… those people threw at you. I was an asshole kid, no denying at that so I’m going to apologize here. You don’t need to accept it and I can understand if you don’t.”
Izuku almost gapes at how tame Kacchan became. Those are the longest sentence the blond managed to say without any insults, laced with ego or criticisms in it. It’s nice, though few years late, but somewhere inside, a heavy ache inside his heart soothes.
“Thanks, Kacchan.” Izuku smiles, a genuine one this time. Years of burden on his back, body felt heavy from the mud tainting his soul, Izuku can finally breathe a little easier. Turning around, he kept walking back into his room, ignoring many lingering glances kept coming his way.
Maybe it’ll be alright. Izuku consoles himself.
It does. Once the storm passes, rainbow came in. Izuku fidget and stammer when he’s brought in to the principal office, though words of comfort has calmed his antsy mind. Principal Nezu informed him regarding the perpetrator, and made sure similar videos like this will be wiped clean.
Midoriya Inko, his mother is held under custody for child neglect, while his past abusers were found and jailed for child abuse and sexual assault to minors. Izuku is currently under Aizawa-sensei’s guardianship while at the same time went into heavy therapy under U.A’s regulations.
“Don’t worry kid, it’s going to be okay.” Came Aizawa-sensei’s soothing voice. His palms kept rubbing comforting circles on his back when his mother got taken.
“Young Midoriya, if you ever needed me, never hesitate to call, I am here.” Was All Might’s solace, after he told the man about his past, along with a lengthy hug Izuku never knew he needed.
“It’s going to be okay Deku! You got us on your side! So if anyone sees you wrong, just shout our name and we’ll be there!” Izuku giggled at the way his family his friends tried to cheer him up. He saw many comforting eyes grazing towards him, he saw smiles and open arms trying to hug him and squeeze his pain away.
At the age of sixteen, Midoriya Izuku finally understand that he can also be loved.