Work Text:
“I wish you were a girl.”
Reki stared at his reflection in the mirror. “Why couldn’t you have been a girl?”
He was spiraling. Of course, there wasn’t anything wrong with him being the way he was. So why did he feel so guilty?
His mum didn’t raise a son like him. His mum raised a baby girl, someone cute and feminine and playful, someone who would give Masae lots of grandchildren. Someone she could be proud of.
And who was this wreck before him now? Eye bags, oversized hoodies, greasy hair that desperately needed to be washed, if he could only stand to get in the shower without looking at or touching any part of himself.
A burden. Someone selfish, who made people around him re-learn how to refer to him, how to think of him. Who was he to ask everyone to change their perception of him?
His swimming thoughts grew like a tidal wave crashing into his skull. Why did it have to be like this? Why did he have to be like this?
“I wish you were a girl.”
Reki stood there as one of his closest friends laughed through those words, avoiding his gaze.
“Mom’s only letting the girls sleep over, sorry. Hey, maybe you could pretend to be a girl again!” She joked.
It sounded like she was underwater. She meant well, Reki knew that. He shouldn’t have felt upset when she was only trying to lighten the mood.
Still, no one needs friends who can’t take a joke, so Reki left. She’d be better off with her real friends anyway, the ones who would stay up and do each other’s nails and makeup and talk about boys. The girls who were brave enough to stay that way.
“I wish you were a girl.”
Reki opened his eyes and looked up at his best friend. The words dug into his chest like knives.
Everything stopped all at once. The blissful moment before had been shattered, and the shards were piercing his lungs.
Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it have been someone else who said that, someone whose words wouldn’t be left ingrained in his mind forever? Someone who would have been easy to brush off and let go?
His breaths came fast and staggered, and he quickly pushed himself off of Langa’s lap. Pulled his hands away from Langa’s waist. Wiped the remnants of a kiss off of his lips.
“…Reki?” Langa’s stupidly soothing voice cut through the silence. Reki felt that tight pain in his nose and eyes, and quickly turned away before Langa might have seen his tears.
A hand reached out to rest on Reki’s arm. “Reki, I-“
It was too much.
Reki pushed the hand away, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and squeezing the soft fabric. He had to say something, didn’t he? What was there to say in a situation like this?
“No, no.” Reki furiously shook his head. If he did that enough, could it shake away all these thoughts? Doubtful.
Reki drew a staggered breath before talking again. “It’s… it’s fine.” No it wasn’t. It was anything but fine. Why was he such a bad liar?
“I get it.” Reki choked out. In more ways than Langa could imagine, he did get it. Of course he did.
The dam holding back all his dysphoric, hateful, hopeless thoughts was swaying. Reki knew that internalized homophobia was really difficult to deal with. Hell, it took him years of effort and multiple therapy sessions to finally be proud of his own sexuality.
He knew Langa was struggling. He knew. Langa didn’t mean it like that. It was for his own sake, his own struggle with his sexuality. He didn’t really mean to hurt Reki.
But intent be damned in a mind like his. Everything was breaking, flooding his mind with those horrible things he thought about himself. Even things he thought he had gotten over.
Worthless, selfish, fake, try-hard, weak, burden, nothing. He felt like nothing. Maybe he was.
Reki’s vision was getting blurry, and he squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could. He was starting to hyperventilate. The room felt so small, like it was going to crush him at any moment. Reki leaned forward, begging the fabric of his hoodie not to bunch up over his chest and make things even worse.
He felt Langa’s weight shift towards him on the bed and quickly turned back, putting his hand out. “Please don’t touch me,” Reki begged, with salty tears streaming down his face and into his mouth. “Please- please don’t.”
“I wish you were a girl.”
Nanako had sighed over her cup of tea at the table. “That way I could’ve talked to you about boys.”
Langa felt a sinking feeling in his chest.
Right. Because girls liked boys. Boys didn’t-
They didn’t do that sort of thing. Didn’t think that way. Boys were strong and forward and fell in love with girls because that’s what they were supposed to do.
Langa was sure his mum didn’t mean to make him feel broken like this. She didn’t even know, after all. It probably hadn’t even occurred to her that her son would be anything other than straight.
Those six words she had said not long before still lingered in Langa’s thoughts.
“Show her she’s a lucky girl!”
She had no idea. She didn’t know any better. Still, Langa couldn’t help feeling like he’d let her down somehow. He ruined her chance of having grandkids and carrying on the family line. He ruined everything.
“I wish you were a girl.”
Langa had a foul taste in his mouth after uttering those words. Of course, he didn’t really mean it. But he had said it anyway.
And what an idiot he was. A mumbled thought from his lips had been more harmful than he could have ever thought.
His best friend, the person he loved, curled up and shaking on his bed. Audibly hyperventilating and crying, and telling Langa not to touch him.
This internalized hatred Langa held, the feeling that he was somehow broken, dirty, wrong, he didn’t mean to push it onto Reki too. Those thoughts made no sense anyway. Langa didn’t think those horrible things about Reki or any other queer people, so why did he have to think them about himself?
But he had fumbled things enormously. This wasn’t just hurting himself anymore.
Langa was such a fool. And the worst part was, he didn’t even understand why it had hurt Reki so much.
Obviously hearing what he said would sting, but Langa didn’t understand why Reki was breaking down, and he didn’t know how to help.
He couldn’t very well ask Reki to explain why he took it so personally when he was in such a state. Gods, he felt so insensitive. He didn’t know how Reki felt and he didn’t understand why he was so worked up.
All he knew was that he had just hurt someone he cared about, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
I wish you were a girl.
I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl I wish you were a girl-
Over and over for who knows how long, Reki was trapped in his head with that one sentence playing on loop.
It wasn’t until Reki remembered one of his grounding techniques from his therapist that he started to breathe normally again.
Squeezing his arms and tapping his feet and taking note of his senses eventually brought him back to the dim bedroom. He still avoided Langa’s gaze.
“Reki?” Reki fought against the urge to look at him. “Are you going to be okay?”
His voice sounded earnest. Fuck, of course it did. Because it hurt that much more that Langa didn’t even mean to send him into a panic attack like that.
Reki moved to sit up on the bed.
“I don’t know.”
There was silence for a moment.
Langa started taking again. “Would you be willing to hear an apology right now?”
Reki took a breath. Before therapy, Reki would have just said “sure” and put up with it. But taking that step when he wasn’t ready would only lead to more problems that he couldn’t deal with.
“Not yet.” Reki said. “I’ll tell you when.”
So they waited, each second ticking by on the homemade skateboard deck clock across the room.
The first order of business was to get his breathing under control. Reki took deep breaths in and out, counting each one until his breath wasn’t staggering anymore.
Reki glanced at Langa. Crap, he was a wreck. He looked like he had been crying too, bleary eyes and a red nose. If this had been any other situation, Reki would already be hugging him.
Finally, Reki spoke up. “Ok, I’m ready now.”
“Reki, I am so so sorry for saying that,” Langa started. “It was stupid and I didn’t mean it and I didn’t know it would hurt you so much.”
Reki but the inside of his cheek as he listened, just waiting for Langa to ask. Waiting for when he’d have to explain why he’d have such an overreaction to a stupid sentence like that.
“I don’t understand why it caused you to break down like you did, but I know that I hurt you and that isn’t okay.” It sounded like Langa was holding back tears. “You don’t have to forgive me or say anything at all, but if there’s anything I can do to make things better, please tell me.”
Reki did a double take. He… he didn’t ask why? He just accepted it at face value? That hadn’t happened before.
Reki turned to Langa with his puzzled expression. “Really? You’re sorry and you don’t need to know why I had a breakdown over what you said?”
Langa tilted his head. “Yeah, of course. You- you don’t believe me?”
“No, I-“ Reki interjected, “I do, it’s just.” He took a moment to gather his thoughts.
“It’s just that you’re the first person that hasn’t asked why. That just apologized without demanding an explanation.”
He watched Langa fidget with his hands. “I won’t push you. If you don’t want to say why, I respect that.”
Reki scooted over on the bed to bump Langa’s shoulder with his own. “No, I want to tell you.”
“I wish you were a girl.”
“That was something I told myself over and over for years.” Reki’s voice trembled a bit.
“If I had just been a girl, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my family and friends. I wouldn’t hate myself so much.”
Reki steeled himself for all the potential reactions Langa might have to his next words.
“I’m trans, Langa. I spent my whole childhood being told that I was such a pretty girl, and that I should be more ladylike, and it wore me down. It took so long to realize that I wasn’t a girl, and even looking at myself in the mirror is a reminder that I failed to be the daughter Mum wanted.”
Reki could feel Langa’s eyes on him, heard a small “oh .”
“So, when you said that,” Reki attempted to make his voice sound a little more solid, “it just felt like another reminder that I-“ Reki could feel himself speeding up, the words almost blending together. He took another breath.
“That I was born in the wrong body. That I wasn’t what everyone thought I would be, what they expected me to be. And it hurt, a lot.”
“Oh gods Reki, I- shit, if I had known-“ Langa started before Reki placed a hand on top of his to stop him.
“Langa, you didn’t know. Sure, it was a dumb thing to say, and yeah it really stung, but I know you didn’t try to take a deliberate dig at my identity. I know you wouldn’t do that.”
Reki moved his hand under Langa’s and intertwined their fingers. Reki heard Langa’s breath hitch. “Are we okay?” He asked, turning towards Reki.
Reki gave a bittersweet smile. “We’re okay.”
They stayed like that for a while. Hands intertwined, shoulders touching, and eventually making idle chatter and exchanging small pecks on the cheek.
Any utterance of “girl” was whisked out the open window and far away from them.