Chapter Text
Ch.1
Olivia Benson had just made it home. A half filled diaper bag slung over one shoulder, her purse over the other, and clutching, in her right hand, a car seat containing a now sleeping baby Noah.
After sitting with Noah at the ACS facility for a while, gradually getting more comfortable and slowly beginning to build a bond, she had started thinking of all the things she needed for him. She was starting from scratch. Of course she had been around babies, her half niece Olivia for a short while, but this was different. She was solely responsible for the welfare of this little boy that was asleep in the car seat she had borrowed from ACS. While she was getting ready to leave, and begin this new life, one of his caretakers approached her and gave her some of the necessities she would need to make it through the night. While it wasn't much, it was enough for one night until she could go to the store the next day.
She made her way into the apartment and sat down on the sofa, bringing Noah's car seat to rest at her feet. Olivia sat there, staring down at the angelic face of her new son.
"My Son, " she thought out loud, tears welling in her eyes as she held a hand over her mouth.
Technically, she was granted temporary custody of Noah for the period of one year, to be used as a trial period, where at the end, she would be able to file for permanent custody. There was no question in her mind that she would make it through one year and come out on the other side, the permanent mother to this sweet boy. Nothing would interfere with this dream coming true. Noah would come first, before everything else in her life.
She reached down and ran a finger along the side of his chubby little cheek.
"My sweet, sweet little boy. You are everything that I have ever wanted. And everything I thought I'd never have…. We’re gonna get through this together,” Olivia whispered to her sleeping boy, “And just know…I'll never give up on you".
Tears welled in her eyes and she needed contact with her new baby. Slowly, she unbuckled Noah from his car seat, careful not to wake him from his peaceful slumber, and brought him up to her. She cradled him in her arms and walked throughout the living room, rocking him ever so gently. Olivia glanced up at the clock, it’s late, a little past ten o’clock but she just couldn't bear the thought of putting him down.
She felt like she was living in a dream, that if she laid him down she’d wake up once again to an empty apartment. After a while he began to stir, a slight whimper escaping his tiny little lips.
In an attempt to soothe him, she brought her head down to his ear and whispered sweet nothings to him. While most of what was said was indecipherable, there was one repeated phrase that was just loud enough that an outsider could hear, “I love you little man.” She was going to make sure that he always knew just how much he meant to her, how much she loved him.
While at ACS, Noah’s caretaker had informed her of the schedule that he had been sticking to and had told Olivia that he probably wouldn't wake until early the next morning.
Still carrying a sleeping Noah, she made her way to her bedroom and placed him gently in the middle of the bed. She aligned two pillows to lie next to him, not wanting him to roll over and fall, kissed him on the head and turned her attention to her dresser.
Still dressed in the clothes she started her day with some 16 hours ago, she had been dying to change.
Olivia rummaged through her drawers until she found an old oversized NYPD issue t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. She checked on Noah before making her way into the bathroom to change. Reappearing just a minute later she made her way to the bed, laid down and brought Noah over to her body, scooping him up so he was cradled in her arm and tucked against her side.
Staring down at him she started to memorize every little nuance about him. His sweet tiny face, his short brown hair that was sticking out in every direction, and a tiny button nose that sat perfectly between two closed blue eyes. His little hands that rested next to each other on his stomach, the rise and fall of his chest with each breath he took and the way his legs would twitch ever so slightly when she ran her finger along the bottom of his sock clad foot. He’s the most perfect thing she’s ever known. As she stared down at him, she thought about how much her life had just changed.
She woke up a single woman with no family and an empty apartment, and now she was here… a Mom. She thought about how many times in her life things had simply changed in the blink of an eye. Most of them had changed her life for the worst. Having and losing Calvin, William Lewis, and last but certainly not least…him . Being told that her once partner and best friend wasn't coming back… that moment broke her more than everything else combined.
She shook her head, she wasn't going to allow him, or anything else, to tarnish this incredible moment, right here, with her new baby boy. She was going to cherish these precious moments as she settled down into her pillow, holding Noah just a little closer. He let out a contented sigh and snuggled deeper into her side. Olivia kissed him on the forehead once more, falling more and more in love with him as each second passed.
Finally, after a long journey and many bumps in the road, and with a deep contented sigh she felt whole again. It was like everything in her life had brought her to this place. The pain, the sacrifices, the loss had brought her and this little boy together.
As she laid there with her son in her arms, Olivia finally understood the meaning of "Sometimes, the best things in life come out of the worst situations." She had survived Lewis, a hell in and of itself, to make it here. To have all her dreams realized by this one tiny being that rested in her arms. She smiled because for once, in a very long time, she felt happy…content.
Before sleep could overcome her, she caressed the side of his chubby cheek and under his chin, whispering, "Mama loves you little man….so very much. Sleep well my precious angel".
Ch.2
Olivia awoke the next morning to Noah wiggling in her arms with his eyes wide open, staring directly up at her.
"Hey there little man. Is someone hungry? And probably wet too, huh?" she cood at her little boy who continued to look up at her, batting his thick eyelashes and the beginnings of a tiny cry forming. "Well let's get you all clean and dry first and then we'll go get you some breakfast. How does that sound?" she asked, scooping the little boy up in her arms.
She walked into the living room and made her way over to the diaper bag, grabbing the necessities that ACS had given to her the night before. A clean bottle, formula, a fresh diaper, wipes, and a new onesie to get her boy set for the day. She laid him back down on the sofa, changed his dirty diaper, and got him into his new onesie, which only took her two tries to her own surprise.
"There we go Noah, all clean! Now, let's see what we can do about getting you some breakfast," she picked Noah up and held him against her chest, grabbing the bottle and formula as she made her way into the kitchen. Noah, growing increasingly unhappy, began to whimper. "Oh I know little guy! No one likes to be hungry, but Mama's workin' on it," she cooed as she mixed up his bottle, giving it a good shake and then testing it on her arm to check the temperature. Holding the bottle against his tiny bottom lip, Noah started to suckle at the bottle in earnest, trying to get it all down as quickly as possible.
"Woah there little one! You gotta slow down there for me. We don't want you to get sick now do we? No we don't," she murmured with a smile as she pulled the nipple out of his mouth a tiny bit and then let him take a hold of it again, encouraging him to slow down.
Olivia snagged her phone from the counter, having forgotten all about it when she had finally made it home last night, making her way to the couch where she finally sat down. While one arm rested on the arm of the couch holding Noah against her, her other holding the bottle that fed him. Noah had relaxed against her, content to continue eating from his bottle and she took the opportunity to rest the bottle against her chest, reaching for her phone that laid face down next to them on the sofa.
Unlocking her phone, she checked her texts and missed calls. Four calls from Fin, three from Nick, and one from Amanda with a pile of messages from the previous night all wondering where she had gone and wanting to make sure she was okay.
While Noah continued to eat his breakfast, she called Fin first. He answered on the third ring and Olivia was met with a, “Detective Tutuola.”
"Hey Fin, it's Liv. I…" was all she could get out before Fin jumped in with worried questions.
"Babygirl, where are you? What happened? Are you okay? I heard you got custody of Noah? Congrat…" he mostly got out but was cut off by Olivia.
"Calm down Fin…I'm fine," she smiled with a chuckle, looking down at Noah as he laid in her arms, "We're fine." She took a second to rearrange Noah on her lap then asked, "How did you know that I got Noah? I've had him less than 24 hrs," she shook her head, the smile never dropping from her face and she thought about how fast word can travel in such a large city.
"Liv…. You know how it is. No one keeps their mouth shut. People see Olivia Benson leave ACS with a baby carrier and people start to talk," he said back to her in a rather flippant tone and a gruff chuckle leaving his lips.
She laughed at that, thinking about just how much attention her personal life got and an eye roll escaped her. "I guess that's true. But yes, I got custody of Noah. The Judge granted me one year of being his foster mother, and at the end of one year, if I choose to, I can apply for permanent guardianship of Noah," she told her friend.
"Wow Babygirl! Congratulations," he said excitedly. "I'm really happy for you. Finally life is movin in your favor…. How are you guys settlin’ in?" Fin had asked her and she sighed, thinking of all the things she had to do today.
"We're doin good…I just have a ton of stuff that I need to get for him. A whole nursery set, clothes, bottles, formula. You name it, I need it," she chuckled slightly.
"Don't worry," Fin assured her. "You'll be fine! Don't stress about it too much…you can do this! And if you need anything you know you can call me, any time. Right?" he asked her.
At his words of encouragement, she felt the emotions bubbling up inside but managed to speak, “Yes… Thank you so much… for everything over the years. You are truly a…"
But he cut her off, "No need to thank me Babygirl. That's what you do for family," he replied simply and with a shrug she couldn’t see.
It was as if everything had always been so simple, that they had always been family. Olivia sniffled and took a moment to get her emotions in check before she responded, "Just Thank You, okay? And while we're talking, I wanted to let you know that I’ll probably be taking off a couple of weeks to get adjusted and to get Noah settled….If you would just try to hold down the fort and keep everyone moving in the right direction, that would really help relieve some of this stress," she asked of him, waiting for what type of reaction she was going to get and he didn’t let her down, he never had.
"Of course Liv… you know I’d do anything to help ya out," he said matter-of-factly, "You focus on that little boy and yourself. I got your six." Fin stated, once again proving that he would always be a great friend to her, would forever play the role of her "older brother".
She took a moment to look down at Noah and just thought of what an amazing man his Uncle Fin was. "Thank you Fin…From the both of us," Olivia replied, once again getting caught up in the emotions. "Would you also be able to give Amanda a call and just let her know what's going on? I'll call Nick myself," she told him, feeling a bit more guilty for adding to his plate "It's the least I can do… Nick's a good partner and I’m kinda leaving him in the lurch."
"Yeah…Sure Liv, whatever you need. I got you," Fin replied, feeling the pride swell in his chest that she chose to trust him so much and he thought back to a time when she had been so closed off.
"Maybe… if you want," she had started, feeling a little uncertain of herself she took a steadying breath and then continued, "You could stop by? I'm sure Noah would like to get to know his Uncle Fin," she finished looking down at her little boy.
Now it was Fin's turn to get his emotions under control, and after a few seconds he had managed to find his words, "Of course Liv. I'd love to meet your little guy."
He thought back to when his own son, Ken, was a baby and how sweet and innocent he was at that age.
"Let's set up something for the next couple of days? After I get a chance to set up all of his new things and get organized….I don't want you walking into a war zone!" she replied with a slight chuckle and he laughed.
"Of course Babygirl. Let me know when you and the little guy are all settled and Uncle Fin will drop by with his mama's favorite pizza and a movie."
Olivia smiled at the memory of all the lonely nights they had shared, strictly platonic, brother and sister relationship. "Thanks Fin. I'm sure by then I'll need a little adult time," she laughed thinking about how crazy her life was about to get. "I'll shoot you a text in a couple of days for you to stop by. Thanks for everything. Talk soon," Olivia said as she began to tend to her Noah.
"Okay Babygirl… Let me know if you need anything else…Cya,” and with that her call with Fin dropped off.
She looked down at her boy who had just finished his bottle, "Hey there little man. Your Uncle Fin can't wait to meet you." Noah just stared into her eyes, hanging on her every word. “You are going to be so incredibly loved….and that's a promise from your mama," she cooed down to him as she prepared to burp him, mentally making a list of all the things she needed to get for Noah. But first, she needed to call Nick and catch him up to speed, and get a game plan together for the next few weeks.
Once Noah was settled again she dialed Nick and waited for an answer.
"Liv! Thank God you're alright! I’ve been worried s…" is all he managed to get out before she interrupts him.
"Nick. Calm down," she instantly sensed the worry in his voice. "Everything's fine…I forgot all about my phone last night, I just picked it back up this morning. I'm sorry for worrying you," finished sincerely, instantly calming him down. After everything she'd been through, she can see why they had all jumped to worst case scenarios.
"No Liv, it's fine! I'm the one who's sorry… I-I jumped the gun and let my imagination get the best of me," he sighed, shaking his head as he thought about all of the things he thought could have happened to her. Never wanting to see her as hurt and as broken as she was when they got her back from Lewis. "I know you're a big girl, and a damn good cop who can take care of herself…. But I worry. I'll try to rein it in next time."
"No Nick. I appreciate the fact that you worry," Olivia replied, taking a breath, "It means that you've always got my back and I need that."
She looked down at Noah who had a content smile on his face and she thought about just how many people he would have in his life to protect him. She was happy that he would always have these strong male figures in his life. Giving him someone to look up to, because both Nick and Fin, are not only good protectors and some of the most loyal people she's ever known, but they’re also all around great men.
"I just hope there's enough of you to go around for Noah," she let out softly, a small smile gracing her face as she got a little emotional while thinking about the future of her little boy.
Stunned at the amount of emotion she was allowing him to see, Nick took a beat to get his thoughts and emotions together. "Of course Liv. He's your boy," he responded softly, quietly, allowing a moment of silence. "I've got his back… and, I've got his mama's back… No matter what."
Olivia was touched by the honesty she heard in Nick's voice, and she took a moment to leave a kiss against Noah’s forehead, "Thank you Nick… I don't think you know what that means to me, to hear you say that."
"If you need help with anything at all, please call me…I'll be there. I figure you'll probably take off a few weeks to get into a routine and all," Nick replied, a smile on his face as he thought back to the first month of having Zara home.
"Yeah… I’m gonna be taking some time off to get us both situated," she tells him, "But we're doing okay and I promise if I need anything, I’ll call."
"Okay good. I'd really like to stop over one of these days and get to meet Noah…start getting to know him," feeling slightly unsure of himself, "If - I mean, if that's okay with you?"
"Yes. Yes of course, Nick! I'd love for you to meet him," she replied to him with all the certainty in the world. Knowing that Nick was one of the best fathers she'd ever seen, she wanted a man like him to be in her son’s life. "I'm planning on having Fin over later this week… So I’ll just let you know what day works for us and you can stop by?"
"Great Liv, I can't wait! Let me know if you need anything and tell Noah that his uncle Nick says “Hi”.... Talk to ya later."
"I will! Bye, Nick," she responded, clicking off her phone and setting it down next to her.
She looked down at Noah who was fighting to keep his eyes open, trying to evade sleep as she stroked his cheek all the way down his arm and grabbed ahold of his little hand. His fist unraveled and his fingers curled around his mothers fingers, completely melting her heart. She kissed his tiny little knuckles, whispering, "Your Uncle Nick is so excited to meet you… He's a really good guy, Noah. He’s helped out your mama over the last year… Longer than that, if I’m being honest with you. You're gonna really like him, sweet boy."
Holding her son close, Olivia vowed to give him the world and the upbringing she never had. Would raise him surrounded by love and a family all his own, and while it may not be conventional, her squad was her family and now they were his too. Noah would always know love and protection, and right now she couldn’t be more grateful for her chosen family.