Chapter Text
Barry was unconscious. And Len had never been so grateful in his life.
“Oh my God.”
“I need a ventilator!”
“Did someone call Joe?”
“Towels – I got the towels.”
“Cisco, the ventilator!”
“Right!”
“Oh my God, Barry.”
“He’ll be alright, he’ll be alright.”
“Here, put pressure on his side.”
“OK.”
“What can I do?”
“Stabilize his head.”
“Like this?”
“I can see the bone.”
“Yes.”
“Eddie, I can see –”
“It’s OK – he’ll be OK.”
“Len?”
Len stared numbly at Barry, his eyes closed, limp. Len was holding his hand, his right hand because his left hand was a bloody clump of flesh. Barry was unconscious before they even got there, before they managed to dig him out of the wreckage. Len hoped he had passed out instantly.
The building had come down as Barry was getting out, running out with a woman in his arms, the place burning and filled with smoke. They had found the woman next to him. The ambulance took her while they grabbed Barry.
“Len? Len?”
He looked up. It was Caitlin. There was already blood streaked on her shirt and hands and it made Len sick, almost dizzy.
“Len, I need you to put in stitches on his leg while I look at his side, can you do that?”
Yes, yes, he could do that. He didn’t answer, just moved. Cisco pressed the supplies into his hands and Len moved to Barry’s leg, let go of his hand with a last hesitation. His head was spinning.
He was going to throw up, was sure he was going to throw up, but his stomach didn’t heave, just kept tossing instead. He looked at the mangled flesh in front of him and almost turned back, almost turned back to Caitlin and said, no, no, I can’t do this. But he swallowed it down and grit his teeth because this was Barry and Caitlin had asked him to put stitches in and if she had asked him then it was serious. She needed him to put stitches in and if it would help Barry then he would. He would suck it up and get a grip on himself and ignore the hysteria and the pounding of his heart and the creeping, somehow hiding yet overwhelming fear that speed healing just wouldn’t be enough this time.
Len concentrated on his leg, blocked everything else out. There was a flap of skin (of skin, of skin) and it was peeled, actually peeled back, like someone had tried to skin him alive. Len could see bloody muscle and tendons there and he fought back the bile in his throat and moved his hands over Barry’s skin and pushed it back into place.
He got the needle ready and then started putting stitches in. They were messier than his usual, not as precise, and much larger, but it was a large gash. He thought about what he would say to Barry if he was awake, what to say to distract him from the pain and his own fear, what he would say to get Barry to smile instead of cringe. He washed the wound with hydrogen peroxide when he was finished and then someone was pressing bandages into his hand, which he used to wrap Barry’s leg. There were multiple other little cuts and scrapes around that large one, and he checked, but it didn’t look like any needed stitches. Instead he stuck bandages on and around them, taping pads of sterile cloth into place. Only then did he move and look up.
They had Barry on the ventilator, and the tube was disturbing, shocking to look at with Barry’s prone form. But what was worse was his side and his shoulder, still exposed. His entire left arm was a mangled mess, but Caitlin didn’t seem too concerned with it at the moment. She was at his left side instead, where there was a large puncture wound, where a metal beam of some sort had gone in and tore a hole open near his stomach.
It was a bloody mess. Len was swaying. He could see Barry’s organs, could see the pink red wet mesh of his insides. Eddie had Iris in the corner of the room, his eyes blank as he held her. She was crying. Cisco was frantically running around grabbing whatever Caitlin asked to and decidedly not looking at the wounds. His face was three shades too pale.
Len had to sit down. He all but collapsed into the chair, his vision dancing with dark spots. Joe arrived then, running, stopping frozen when he saw Barry. For a moment Len thought he would pass out, but then Joe continued, walking up to where Barry lay, Caitlin working. He said something, words Len didn’t catch, but Caitlin ignored him. Cisco put a hand on Joe’s shoulder and led him over to where Iris and Eddie where. Iris looked up and then the two were hugging.
“Len!”
And he was up, walking back over as Caitlin called. She had tied back her hair, and there was blood in it, probably from her own hands. Her eyes were bright, focused, but he could see the worry there.
“His arm – I need you to put pressure on his arm, this is – this is going to take me too long, you can’t stitch it up yet I have to see, I think there’s internal damage.”
He just nodded, grabbed a towel and found where the blood was oozing out. He put pressure on the wound.
“Does he need a blood transfusion?” Joe asked.
“No,” Caitlin said, “I have no idea how his body will react to non-meta blood, and he forms new blood cells so fast that shouldn’t be a problem. He won’t bleed out.”
Then what was he doing, Len wondered. Maybe it was so he didn’t lose even more blood, or maybe Caitlin was just giving him something to do. Either way he kept pressure with the towel over Barry’s arm while Caitlin worked.
It was a long time before she finished with his side. He saw her with stitches for a while, and then she wrapped it up. Blood soaked through to make a dark pink stain, and then she was pushing his hands out of the way.
“This isn’t good,” she muttered.
Len could have said as much, but just then there was a coughing noise, and Barry jerked. Len was at his head in an instant.
“Hey,” Len said as Barry’s eyes opened, unfocused. His face contracted with pain almost instantly, going tight as a moan let loose from his throat. He let out another almost instantly, the noises not stopping, rough with pain, sharp, strained cries muffled by the ventilator in his throat.
“I know, I know,” Len said, stroking his hair as suddenly Joe was right beside him. “It’s OK, Scarlet, you’re going to be OK.”
Barry’s eyes darted around, glazed over, and he started to shift, to squirm and fidget.
“Hold him still,” Caitlin said, still working. Eddie and Iris were next to them too and Joe held Barry’s shoulder while Eddie moved around to put one hand on the opposite shoulder and another on his hip. Iris was crying, holding onto Joe and Len was still stroking Barry’s hair, holding his head still now too.
Tears leaked out of Barry’s eyes, going fast down his face. He tried to move his head to the side and whimpered when he couldn’t. He started to shake.
“Shh, it’s OK, Bar,” Joe said, “it’s OK.”
Barry was scared, that much was obvious, but the normal terror that the situation would have warranted wasn’t there, was overrun by pain. He choked on the ventilator, trying to move, to squirm while everyone held him still. The moans and cries quickly turned to sobs, the pain a sharp edge to the noise.
“I know, babe, I know it hurts, it’s OK,” Len said, his face inches from Barry’s, leaning down. “I’m so sorry, Scarlet, I know it hurts, Cait’s working on it. You’re going to be OK – it’ll be better soon, Scarlet, I promise.” Len choked out the last word, his voice breaking, and he felt tears in the corners of his eyes and had to stop, had to breathe for a moment because this was not the time. He could not break down crying, would not break down crying. But Barry let out another gut-wrenching noise and Len found himself faltering.
The pain on his face was too much, too much for anyone to be expected to bear. The desperation in the noises he was making was awful, was horrifying. Len wanted so badly to make it better, to give him some sort of relief, but there was nothing he could do but keep petting his hair and whispering soft reassurances that he honestly didn’t think Barry even heard much less registered in his state. His eyes weren’t focusing, were slipping from Len to Joe to Iris in a confused, pain filled haze. He kept struggling, fighting to get free, moving and squirming from it all. Every time Caitlin did something he screamed, the noise a wet coughing sound around the ventilator and it was breaking Len.
“Can we please take that thing out of his throat,” he said suddenly, turning on Caitlin, desperate. He had seen Barry go through a lot of pain with the jobs he did, the metahumans and the criminals, but this – this was too much.
“Five minutes,” Caitlin said, not even looking up and Len would have to live with that, would have to.
And five minutes later, maybe a little less, Caitlin was taking it out and the first thing Barry did was scream.
The cry tapered off into moans, and then mumbled, slurred words. Caitlin kept working, and Joe talked and Len soothed and Iris interjected as well, but it was another twenty minutes or so before Barry started to speak in any real words.
“Please,” he said, a broken sound. That was all at first, just please, please, please, over and over again, and then he suddenly went limp.
For a second, Len tensed, but Caitlin didn’t miss a beat and none of the monitors screamed, and he relaxed. He had passed out.
It only lasted another fifteen minutes. Then his eyes were struggling open and he was looking around frantically.
“J-joe?” he said, and then let out a sharp cry of pain. “H-hurts,” he said.
“I’m right here, Bar,” Joe said, just as Barry’s eyes found Len’s.
“Len,” he said, and then another moan. “L-len, Len, ple-ease, it hu-urts, it hurts.”
“I know, baby, I know it hurts, it’s going to be alright, it’s going to get better real soon.”
“P-please, stop – stop, stop!”
“We can’t stop, Scarlet, I know – I know it’s bad, it’s going to get better.”
“No – no, Len – Len it hurts s-so much, i-it, please, you – please m-make it stop, it hurts.” He let out a broken cry, struggling again to move.
“Shh, baby, it’s OK, shh, it’s going to be OK, Scarlet. Relax. You’ve gotta relax, Scarlet. It won’t hurt as much, just relax.”
“I-it – I – God, I can’t, it – fuck, Len, please.” He started crying hard again. “Please, please sto-op, you ha-ave to make it sto-op!”
Len kissed his forehead, then his check, his nose, his temple. “I can’t, Barry, I can’t, I’m sorry. It’s – it’s a one, baby – it’s a one, I’m sorry. Shh, relax – just relax, breathe.”
“It hurts,” he cried, eyes squeezed shut, shaking from the wracking sobs. “it hurts, it hurts, ple-ease.” He kept going, almost unintelligible, not responding to anything that Len or Joe or Iris said, no matter how hard they tried to console him. He kept yelling and groaning and screaming, pleading for them to stop, to make it stop, anything – crying that it hurt, over and over and over again, until he had utterly exhausted himself and he was left only whimpering.
“Alright,” Caitlin said finally, hours later. “I need to wait for the bones to heal before I can do anything else.” She looked absolutely exhausted, covered in blood and Len didn’t want to know what else. “I…” she said, faltering as she looked down at Barry. “I’m going to go take a shower,” she said finally, “and try and get a couple hours of sleep. But he should be fine.” She let out a small smile, a relieved expression on her face. She looked down and touched his good shoulder briefly. “It’s – it’s not done, but he should be OK. I’ve still…” She looked up at the rest of them, tight lipped. “I still have a lot of work to do, and it’s… it’s going to be bad.” She took in a long breath as the rest of them took that in.
“I’ll stay with him,” Len said, holding Barry’s hand loosely. He was still whimpering, but seemed to have fallen into some kind of doze, his eyes closed.
“No,” Iris said, and they all turned to look at her, surprised. She gave Len a small smile. “He’ll want you with him, for whatever Caitlin needs to do, and you should rest. Both of you.” She looked at Joe pointedly.
“We’ll stay,” Eddie said, “You two get some sleep.”
Eventually they relented, and Len washed his hands numbly in one of the bathrooms, before finding a couch in one of the side rooms. He didn’t think that he’d be able to sleep, but once he actually lay down realized just how exhausted he was. He fell asleep in minutes.
When he woke up, a couple hours later, and wandered back to the med bay he found Barry awake and Iris talking softly to him.
Barry whimpered, letting out small noises of pain. Iris gripped his hand tightly, and Barry’s fingers were drawn white.
“Scarlet,” Len said, approaching, and Barry opened his eyes.
“Len?”
“Yeah, Scarlet, I’m right here,” Len said, sitting on the edge of Barry’s bed, cupping the side of his face with one hand.
“Len, I don’t want to do this,” Barry said, his bottom lip wavering, pain built up in his expression. “Please, Len, it – it hurts.”
“I know, baby,” Len said, and he leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I know it hurts. You’re doing so good for us, Scarlet.”
“It’s – it’s bad, right,” Barry said, and he bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. A tear leaked out on one side and Len took in a sharp breath.
“You’re going to be OK,” Len said, wiping away the tear with his thumb, “Caitlin said you’d be OK, baby – there’s nothing she can’t fix.”
“But – but you have to fix it,” Barry said, and then he let out a sob.
“Shh,” Iris said, squeezing down on his hand. “We’ll be right there with you, Bar.”
“It’s gonna hurt,” Barry said, letting out another wet sob, “it’s gonna hurt so bad – you’re gonna cut into me and – and –”
“Shh, baby, you’re working yourself up,” Len said, kissing his forehead again. “It’s gonna be OK. It’s gonna be alright.”
“It hurts,” Barry said, still crying, “fuck, it really hurts, Len, everything hurts – my – my sh-shoulder – I – fuck, Len, it’s so bad, it’s so fucking bad – it – Len – Lenny –”
“Shh,” Len said, and then he was hugging him, as much as he could without jostling his arm, “shh, I know, I know baby, it’s awful, it’s – I’m so sorry, Scarlet, I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be OK, I promise. I’ll stay right with you. What do you need, Scarlet? What do you need?”
“Stay,” Barry said, “please, Len, I can’t – I can’t do this, don’t – please.”
“Shh, I know, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Don’t leave.”
“Not leaving, baby.”
“Really fucking hurts.”
“You’re doing such a good job, I’m so proud of you.”
“Can’t even move.”
“You’ll feel better tomorrow. You’ve just started healing.”
“Hurts.”
“I know, Scarlet.”
“Lenny.”
“Right here, Barry.”
“I want – can you – I want you to hold me.”
“I’m not sure I can get around, Scarlet. I don’t want to hurt your arm.”
“Please.”
“OK, just – just give me a second.”
Len rearranged himself carefully, moving onto the medical bed beside Barry, pushing him over gently and getting onto it. He gently eased his leg under Barry’s, and then his hip and torso, until they were almost spooning but not quite, Len’s arms around Barry.
“Don’t leave.”
“Not leaving, Scarlet.”
“My arm hurts so much, Len.” He let out a whimper and Len hugged him closer.
“I’m sorry, Scarlet. It’ll feel better soon.”
“Are they – I – I’m scared.”
“It’s OK.”
“It’s a one?”
“Yeah, Scarlet.”
“I – I don’t –”
“I know it’s scary. Just relax right now, OK?”
“OK.”
“I’ve got you.”
“Is it – is it gonna hurt a lot?”
“I don’t know, Scarlet.”
“You… you do, you just… aw, fuck, Len, fuck, I don’t – I really – no, Lenny, no, please.”
“I don’t know what Caitlin needs to do, Barry. I don’t know if it’ll hurt a lot or not.”
“But it’s… it is going to hurt?”
“I think so, baby. I’m sorry.”
Barry shivered. “You’ll…”
“I’ll stay right here.”
“Stitches?”
“I don’t know, Scarlet.”
“Is it… are the bones…”
“Those are all in place.”
“Oh… OK. OK.”
“It’ll be alright. I’ll be right here, Scarlet. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But she’s…” he trailed off, and then started to tremble. “Fuck, Len, I’m scared, I – I’m scared.”
“It’s OK,” Len said, and he kissed the side of his head, “it’s OK. It’s alright to be scared. You’re going to be fine, though.”
“It’ll hurt.”
“I’ll hold you through it.”
“If – if I… If I have a flashback… please, if I have a flashback please stop.”
“I can’t promise anything, Bar – Caitlin has to work on it. But if you do we’ll try – we’ll try to stop.”
“I… Len, I can’t…”
“I know, Barry. But it’s a one. Caitlin has to work. I’ll hold you, and you just look at me and breathe, that’s it. Look at me and breathe through it.”
“I – I don’t want to do this Lenny,” Barry said, and there were tears in his eyes, his breath hitching, “it – it hurts, Len. It hurts.”
“I know, baby, it’s going to be OK. It’ll be over before you know it.”
“That’s a lie and a cliché.”
Len let out an exasperated breath, but he stroked Barry’s hair gently again. “No it’s not. It’ll be over soon.”
“I can’t do this Lenny.”
“Shh,” Len said, and he leaned down and kissed Barry’s forehead. He skipped the scolding for saying he couldn’t do it. “Yes you can,” he said, “you’re so strong, Barry. I know you can. It’s going to be fine, baby. You’re going to be just fine.”
“Really fucking hurts.”
“You might have mentioned that.”
“Asshole.”
Len kissed him again.
“Don’t go.”
“Baby, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“My shoulder hurts so much.”
“I know, baby, you got it good this time.”
“Is it… what’s wrong with it?”
“I dunno, Scarlet – have to ask Cait.”
“It’s not dislocated is it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“And you said the bones were all in place?”
“Yep.”
“So is there… she… she has to do surgery?” His voice was so small.
“I dunno, baby. I know she has to work on it.”
“You… you think I’ll pass out?”
“Probably,” Len said, “no offense, Scarlet, but you’re not looking too hot right now. Wouldn’t be surprised if she does one thing and you’re out like a light for the rest of it.”
Len felt Barry relax against him a little bit. “OK,” he said, “yeah, that – I hope so.”
“You feeling dizzy?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, normally that’s not a good thing, but it probably means you won’t stay awake long.”
“Can I have some water?”
“Yeah, Scarlet, of course.”
He leaned up to grab a water bottle that was waiting on a side table, and then helped Barry bring it to his mouth.
“My hand hurts like hell too.”
“You burned that one.”
“Is it gonna be OK?”
“Yeah, Scarlet, Cait said there wasn’t any damage she couldn’t fix. You’re gonna be fine.”
“When – when is she coming back?”
“I don’t know, Scarlet,” Len said, but he looked up at the clock. Soon. He didn’t say that.
“I… I don’t want to, Len.”
“I know, baby.”
“I really don’t.”
“It’ll be OK.”
“I’m – I’m scared.”
“It’s OK.”
Barry kept going in circles, saying he didn’t want to do it, that he was scared, that it would hurt, and Len just kept repeating the same phrases, trying to comfort and reassure him the best he could.
And then Caitlin walked in.