Chapter Text
He's so fucking sweaty. His feet are sweating. His leghairs are sweating. Want to know why he's so sweaty? Because his name is Shinji, that's why, and Shinjis sweat a lot. When he walks, his socks make a squishy sound. Gross.
Shinji is in a grocery store. It's three in the morning. Sweat is leaking everywhere. People are screaming.
“I need some soap.” he says to the man who's eating cashews out of a greasy can. There is also a worm in the can. Gross.
“Wha?”
“I need some soap. This fucking asshole stole all of mine.” Shinji says, leaking sweat out of his nose. He hasn't taken a shower in six months. The asshole kept stealing all of his fucking soap. Goddamnit.
“Well shit.” says the Nut Man. He keeps eating cashews. Shinji proceeds to Shinji nervously, before turning around and walking farther into the store, leaving a river of sweat everywhere he goes. There are waterfalls coming from his shorts. He really needs some fucking soap.
The first aisle smells like cheese and nobody knows why. It is not the cheese aisle, but now it's the sweat aisle, since Shinji walked into it. Who the fuck is going to clean all of this up???
There are a bunch of small toys sitting on shelves. One of them is a cool looking robot. Fuck. Shinji wants the robot. He looks left and right, spraying sweat in both directions. There is no one but the Nut Man, who is doing sit-ups on the sweaty floor.
Shinji grabs the small robot. He puts it in his shirt, and it creates a robot-looking lump in the fabric. God, he's a genius. He leaves the aisle, feeling proud of himself, and everyone who passes by slips in his sweat too quickly to notice the thing under his shirt. Shinji is invincible.
Where the fuck is the soap.
Oh, there it is. In the aisle that says soap. Okay. Wait no. That's shampoo. Is there a difference? He doesn't know. Shinji turns around, leaking sweat like a broken sprinkler.
But WAIT.......
He stops walking. Is it a crime to defy god? While the world tells you to lather your body in soap, why not... The robot almost falls out of his shirt. His breath quickens.
Once more, Shinji turns and gazes heatedly at the shampoo. It leers back at him. Oh my god. OH my god. He's. In love. It stands out amongst all the other shampoos, white and silky and trapped in a curvacious bottle. The best shampoo in the world, right here.
Shinji walks slowly as if to not startle a gentle fawn. He still leaks sweat everywhere, but gently. The store is flooded with gentle sweat, akin to his gentle heart... he allows his hands to move upward, and he caresses the bottle.
Beautiful.
He swallows, shuddering, and cradles the bottle in his sweaty palms.
Take me home.
Shinji begins to cry sweat. “Yes.” he whispers. “Anything you want.”
Quickly, he stuffs the bottle into his high-waisted pants and leaves the aisle. This is what he came for. This is what he wanted all along. No soap, no. Only... the truest of loves. His heart skips a beat.
Shinji begins to run. He's smiling so bright, the bottle bouncing rhythmically in his high-waisted nerd pants. The robot in his shirt bounces, too.
And then he gets punched in the fucking ass.
“Hey yo you have to pay for that.” growls the Nut Man, doing a handstand. Shinji rubs his sore ass.
“Pay for what?” he asks.
“Whatever the fuck is in your shirt and pants.”
“No, you are mistaken.” Shinji explains, holding a sagely palm in the air. He shuts his eyes, smiling a wise smile.
“The fuck are you on.”
“For you see...” Shinji continues, opening his eyes once more and folding his arms. He gestures to his pants, where the shampoo rests, long and girthy. “This is only my monster dong.”
“Fuck man.”
“And this,” he points to the bulge in his shirt, “is merely my brand new robotic nipple. Please don't make fun of it. I'm very sensitive about it, there was a tragic nipple accident.”
The Nut Man begins to cry. His tears look like peanut butter. “Oh, fuck, man. I know how you feel.” he says, lifting up his shirt. Shinji stares in fascination. There are no nipples on his curly chest, only two sad faces drawn in marker where his nipples should be. “I lost mine to the sun.”
“I'm so sorry for your loss.”
“How did you lose yours?”
“Taxes.” Shinji says.
“Fucking taxes...” The Nut Man growls. Then, he smiles. There are nuts in his teeth. “I wish you luck on your journey.” he says, waving. With high spirits, Shinji nods, turning on his merry way and running in front of a bunch of cars in the parking lot.
The robot falls out of his shirt. Shinji doesn't give a fuck, he just found his true love.