Work Text:
Armin had never felt the same since that mission. No matter how much he tried, how much he wanted to be like his old, cheery self, it felt as if a constant cloud of darkness hung over his head at all times. Every time he closed his eyes, he could feel it. Feel him. Hands rubbing all over his body, his arms, his chest, his stomach, his crotch.
That voice whispering in his ear.
"Such a beautiful girl, moan for me, I want to hear your voice-"
He shot up from the bed, gasping, and leaned over the side, throwing up on the floor. His guts felt like they were on fire, but it was nothing compared to what he felt like.
He was a mess.
It had been three months. Plenty of time to get over it. But he couldn't. He couldn't. No matter how much he distracted himself, it was always at the back of his mind.
Filthy.
He thought about it when he was talking to Mikasa. Connie. Eren. Sasha.
Jean.
The face that Jean had made at him before he turned his head away in disgust. It was something Armin could never forget.
He hacked up the rest of his insides before sliding slowly out of bed. Mop. He needed a mop.
If he could just clean this up without waking up any of his squadmates everything would be fine.
It was hard to see, a single half burned candle lighting up the room in a sad orange hue. Nothing could be heard except the faint sounds of shuffling around in clean, pristine bedsheets, by the Captain's demand.
He sluggishly stepped around the bunk beds, trying to avoid the planks on the floor which he knew were the creakiest. Blond locks of hair kept falling in front of his face, but he made no attempt to push them out of the way.
He could feel tears forming in his eyes. God, why did he have to be such a crybaby? There was no point to it. He knew. If anyone knew, it was him. He remembered the bullies above his small form,beating him until he couldn't hold the tears back anymore, and then they'd tease him for being sensitive.
Maybe he was. Right now, it sure felt like it.
He finally made his way out of the room, rounding the corner to get to the bathroom. He just hoped that no one would wake up while he was gone and see his mess. Especially Captain Levi. He'd make him run laps until he collapsed of exhaustion tomorrow if he saw the vomit on the floor.
The hallway was dark. He tried to navigate it as best as he could, putting extra effort to not make noise.
Right. If he remembered correctly, the bathroom was just around the corner. He was fine. He was fine. No one needed to know. And no one would. He only needed to-
Fuck!
He tripped on a loose plank and quickly came down with a loud thud.
Shit.
Shit.
There was no way no one heard that. They would all wake up. They'd laugh at him.
'Did you throw up? What are you, five?'
'Ha! Look at the mess Armin made, maybe we need to knock some sense into him.'
'Why are you like this?'
'You're disgusting.'
'Ugh, how is he a scout anyway? All he does is mess things up.'
'You almost blew our cover.'
'Such a pretty girl.'
You deserved it.
They were all right. He deserved it. All of it. He was asking for it. If he really wanted to get away, he would have made more of an effort.
Arlert.
Why couldn't he do anything right? All he needed to do was get the mop. But he messed that up too. He always messed things up.
Useless.
Burden.
"Arlert!"
He gasped.
Where..where was he? Everything was dark. He was..right. He had to get the mop.
"Arlert. Come on. Snap out of it. You're okay."
Was that..Levi? Fuck. He was done for. When Levi saw why he was awake, he'd get a beating until he was black and blue.
"C-captain! I apologize, for..for waking you up. You don't have to worry about me. I'll go back to sleep now."
It was hard to see the Captain's expression in the dark hallway, but Armin assumed it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Just cold indifference.
However, Levi wasn't saying anything, an odd move on his part.
"You shouldn't be up. I know you wouldn't cause a racket if there wasn't a reason. It's not like you. So what happened."
It wasn't a question, not really. More of a demand. Armin wouldn't expect anything else of the captain.
He had to consider his choices. He could A Lie, or B tell the truth. He doubted he could lie to the Captain though. The man had a certain affinity to sniffing out lies, much to Armin's dismay. Sighing,he looked down.
"I..I threw up. I was going to the bathroom to get a mop. I'm.. I'm really sorry Captain, I didn't mean to, I-"
He was cut off.
"Arlert."
This was it. He was done for.
"I-i ap-pologize, I didnt-d-"
An uncharacteristically sympathetic sigh left the Captain's mouth, before he placed his hand gently on Armin's forehead.
"You're not warm, brat. Why did you throw up if you aren't sick."
The captain was seeing right through his lies and stuttering. Not that he expected anything else.
"It doesn't matter. J-just let me clean it up. I promise I'll clean it up-p, sir. I-i can, I'll even mop the whole room. It's been a while since we've c-cleaned so-"
He felt a firm but gentle hand place itself on his shoulder, and froze.
Why would Captain Levi touch him? He knew, didn't he? He knew that Armin was filthy, filthy, Filthy-
"Armin. Breathe."
He realized he wasn't breathing.
Quickly taking a breath, he tried to hold back the tears. He couldn't break down in front of the Captain. He just couldn't. That would be even more humiliating than being filthy.
"Tell me what's wrong, brat."
He slapped his hand over his mouth to stop the pathetic whimpers from coming out. He truly was nothing but a pathetic little kid, pretending to be something he wasn't. Because Armin wasn't a soldier.
He wasn't even an adult. He was still a kid. He was a kid, and he was scared.
Levi's touch suddenly felt heavy. His hands rough and scarred, it reminded him of- oh god.
"Don't fucking touch me!"
He flinched away, falling to the floor. Fuck. Fuck. Why did he just do that?
Captain Levi, his face a painting of dark tones in the dim lighting of the hallway, simply looked stunned.
Armin could almost see something flash across the man's face. Perhaps a realization, though it was gone before he could place what it was.
"This is about the mission in Stohess, isn't it."
He couldn't hold it back anymore.
Levi knew. He knew that Armin was filthy.
Tears started rolling down his cheeks, shining in the dark atmosphere. He curled in on himself, slapping a hand over his mouth to stop the broken sobs from leaving his body.
"I'm sorry- I-i tried to get over it, I did! But it wo-wont, it-t, i-"
Armin tried to take a breath in between the words, though he was sure to Levi, it just looked like a pathetic gasp.
He was pathetic.
"Armin, you need to breathe. Breathe."
He noticed that the Captain looked hesitant now, even though his voice was firm and commanding. He focused on his breathing, desperatly wiping the tears off his face. He was grateful for the lighting now, hoping that it at least covered his pathetic state a little bit.
They probably stayed like that for about five minutes, an uncomfortable silence among them.
He had made such a fool out of himself. It would be a miracle if the Captain didn't kick him out of the squad. How would he fight titans, when he couldn't cope with something that didn't even harm him in the long run?
"I'm sorry Captain. I'm so sorry- j-just. I'll clean it up and go back to sleep. You don't have to waste your time on me."
He was sure that Levi had more important things to do than comfort some brat that ended up in his squad just because his friends did. Armin wasn't strong like Mikasa, or capable like Eren. He couldn't lead. He couldn't fight. Why was he even here?
"Come on. Let's find somewhere to talk. Not being able to see a thing is getting damn annoying."
Wait. Levi..wanted to talk? This seemed awfully out of character for someone like him. Even though Armin was not super close to the Captain, he had spent a segneficant amount of time with the man, and he knew that he wasn't a perticulary emotional person. Certainly not one to comfort others.
'Yeah. That's because he's not comforting you, idiot. He's gonna demote you. '
Seeing the faint outline of the Captain's form, he knew that Levi had gotten up, and was starting to walk away. Light footsteps echoed accross the hallway before suddenly stopping.
"Well, are you coming or what? I don't have all day to waste."
He scrambled to get himself up, quickly following behind the Captain as silently as he could.
"Sir, d-do you not want me to clean it up..? Or, wait, is this a test-"
Levi sighed, but didn't stop walking. He wasn't even looking at the blond.
"Look. This isn't a test. I just want to make sure you're okay. Things like these..I know what they're like. You can clean it up later. Don't worry about that right now."
He was stunned, to say the least. Armin had never seen the captain like this. All..soft and reassuring. If anything, he was undeserving of it. Suddenly, it came to him. Levi was wasting his efforts on a lost cause like him.
"Captain, you really don't have to-"
"Armin. I'm doing this because I want what's best for you. As much as I might seem like a cold bastard, I actually do care. You're all just kids. It's my responsibility to watch after you."
"Oh."
He had missed this. Missed being comforted.
Sure, Mikasa and Eren were his family, and he never took them for granted, but.. he did miss his parents too.
Even though he didn't remember much of them. He didn't even remember their faces that well, and it killed him inside.
"Captain?"
Levi gave a hum in response, continuing to stare ahead as they walked through the building.
"..Do you ever miss your parents.?"
"...Sometimes. I don't know who my father was. And I barely remember my mother. But, yeah. Those few memories I have with her tend to pop up in my mind once in a while.".
Armin stayed quiet after that. He felt as though it wasn't his place to talk.
"Do you?"
Armin took a breath, in shock. He was caught off guard. So used to being an orphan, no one talked about it anymore. They all had bigger problems to care about anyway. Armin didn't blame them.
But still, that small part of him still couldn't help but miss the playful hair ruffles of his mom, or his dad reading to him right before he went to sleep.
"I mean, that would be irrational. They both died when I was very young, and y-you can't miss someone you don't remember in the first place. That's stupid, right?"
He chuckled pathetically.
"I didn't ask if it was rational. I asked if you missed them."
Fuck.
How could he even answer to that?
"I think.. I'd give anything to see them again. But..at the same time, I don't think I'd want them to see how weak I've turned out. I mean..I can't even get over something that happened months ago. He didn't..he didn't even.."
Before he had time to finish, he noticed they had reached the Captain's room.
"Oh."
"Come on, it's fucking cold in this hallway."
Armin stepped isnide hesitantly. It felt as if he was breaching in on something, something he wasn't supposed to see.
Everyone knew, after all. Never go inside the Captain's cabin. Ever. Not when Eren and Jean are fighting, not when Connie slips and hits his head, not when the entire world is burning down.
Safe to say he was a little nervous. Especially since this was such an awkward situation already.
The cabin was dimly lit, two or three candles burning all around the room and highlighting the shiny wood of the walls and chairs.
The Captain walked ahead inside, before looking behind him.
"Well, are you gonna get in or what?"
Armin unfroze.
"Ah! Yes, should I close the door or..uhm-"
Levi looked less than satisfied.
"Just get in here, Armin."
Under Levi's judgeful eyes, he slowly walked across the room and awkwardly sat on an uncomfortable looking wooden chair, his hands on his lap.
It was as though the tension could be cut with a knife.
"Look. I'm going to tell you something. If this ever gets out, I'm going to use you as titan bait."
If any other person said that, Armin would laugh. But since it was Levi, he knew that he was being completely serious.
"Y-yes sir."
Armin finally looked up, seeing Levi sit on a chair next to him and swiverling an empty tea cup. Such a casual stance, even though his superior was threatening him not even a minute before.
"...Alright. When I was young, i used to live with my mom in a brothel. We were poor and rent in the underground was tough, especially back then. Then she died. Probably some disease she caught working.
But that first night, no one noticed. Thought she was sleeping. So, some prick rented her and, when he found a corpse, safe to say he wasn't that pleased.
He said..he said he was gonna get his money's worth. And, I was there. So he grabbed me and took me instead. I didn't know what to fucking do. I was just a kid. Younger than you even. I didn't even know what sex was. It messed me up for a while. Wouldn't talk. But. My point is, I know what it's like. It wasn't your fault. And..I'm sorry. I take full responsibility for that day. It shouldn't have happened. And I won't let it happen again. "
Armin was speechless. He couldn't believe that Levi had gone through this too. Such a horrid feeling. And here he was, leading armies. It made him think that maybe, maybe he could get better too. If not now then maybe..someday.
He didn't even realize it when the tears started slipping from his eyes. Or when he felt the warm yet firm embrace of the Captain's rough hands on his back.
"Than-nk y-you, thank you, th-"
"Sh...It'll get better someday. "
No promises, no reassurance. Just a simple statement. But Armin wasn't expecting anything else.
Both of them were content.
"Thank you, Levi."
"Don't ever call me that again. And..you're welcome. Brat. I know I seem heartless, but I really do care for all of you. Even that pain in the ass you call a best friend."
After that, the Captain broke off their hug.
"..You should talk about it. With them I mean. It would help."
"Yeah. I will. "
_
Just as Armin finished cleaning, he slowly climbed into the bed, next to Eren this time.
His form shifted under the blankets, a raspy voice speaking out, clearly just being woken up.
"Armin, you okay?"
Armin pulled the blanket over him and layed beside his best friend, closing his eyes.
"Yeah,I'm okay now."
Eren hummed, as they both embraced eachother, and went back to sleep.