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“Reo? What is this?”
It was then that Mikage Reo’s whole world seemed about to collapse.
[ EARLIER ]
“Isagi and Kunigami are coming over today to play FIFA. Won’t you come too, Nagi?” Bachira said as he dripped himself over Nagi’s shoulders in the cafeteria, making him pause the game so his character wouldn’t get a headshot.
“Can’t. Already got plans with Reo.”
“Aw, for real? C’mon, you can invite him to come too! It’s no fun without you.”
Nagi sighed, leaning back against Bachira and staring blankly at the ceiling. “I can ask him when I meet him later. He’s gone home already.”
“Can’t you, like, text him?”
“No, his phone broke yesterday. We’re going out to get him a new one today.”
“Ah, got it. Make sure to convince him, okay?
“Sure.”
“Alright. See you later!”
Bachira gave him a light slap on the back before walking away, and Nagi resumed his game just for one last match before going home to shower and then wait for Reo to pick him up so they would go to the mall. He didn’t know why Reo couldn’t just go buy a phone on his own instead of dragging him along, but he had managed to bribe Nagi with the promise of getting him whatever game he wanted from his favorite store and then some ice cream. Reo always said that Nagi was too easily bought.
So there Nagi was, standing next to Reo as he paid for his new device in the fifth store they checked out, after spending a whole chunk of the afternoon being indecisive over which model to choose because X had better graphics but Y had better memory and Z had better design. In the end, he opted for the newest release of his broken phone’s company, handing the employee at the front his almost magical black card, one that Nagi was sure could buy an island before running out of cash.
Sitting in the food court, Nagi scooped more of the expensive lemon gelato while Reo, across from him, started setting configurations for his phone. It was then that Nagi finally remembered Bachira’s request, only because he got a text from his friend asking if he would actually join them later.
“Hey, Reo.” Nagi said, and Reo made a gesture to show that he was listening, despite not taking his eyes off the screen. “Bachira wants to play FIFA tonight and invited us. Do you want to go?”
“I can’t. My dad wants me to accompany him in a business dinner and I couldn’t get out of it.”
“Really? I thought he was out of the country.”
Reo then slightly flinched, a movement so small that it could’ve gone completely unnoticed, hadn’t Nagi focused his attention on him.
“Well, yeah, he arrived today.”
“Oh. Your father is such a workaholic, it must be a hassle.”
“It certainly is.”
They finished their ice cream after that, and Reo rushed Nagi to the store he wanted to check out before they left. It was funny how his eyes widened in an almost cartoonish way at the sight of so many videogames displayed across the shelves, and if they could, his pupils would shapeshift into little black hearts. He ended up unable to decide between two of the games, and Reo ended up buying him both, because he didn’t have it in him not to spoil Nagi.
Since it was still around 5 p.m. and Bachira had said the others would arrive around 6:30, Nagi decided to spend a little more time with Reo before joining their other friends. The limousine came to pick them up by the entrance, and though he had taken rides with Reo ever since their first year in high school, Nagi didn’t think he would ever get used to the sheer luxury of it. Nor was he used to the size of the Mikage estate, or even of Reo’s bedroom, where he now found himself on the mattress, playing on his mobile console while Reo finished his Math homework.
Time with Reo was often like this. Reo would do something productive while Nagi slacked off next to him, and sometimes Nagi would be dragged into doing something fun because Reo was excited about it. It was like this when they first started their friendship, when Reo would convince him to play football even though he didn’t know shit about how it worked, but Reo insisted that they did it, calling Nagi his personal treasure. And despite not being a fan of putting an effort into anything, Nagi found that doing things with Reo, whatever they were, was quite comfortable – and for someone who wanted to live a comfortable life, it was ideal. Being with anyone else always ended up making him feel tired sooner or later, but it was different with Reo, for whatever reason Nagi couldn’t put his finger into. Actually, he looked forward to spending time around Reo, and thought life was especially boring without him. They didn’t even need to do anything special, Nagi just felt like Reo’s mere presence was somewhat soothing, even when he was completely quiet. He enjoyed just being there with Reo.
“I’m gonna take a shower.” Reo said, matter-of-factly, and soon disappeared behind his bathroom’s door. The sound of water hitting the ground reached Nagi’s ears, and he looked up from his game to the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was then that he realized it was later than he had expected and he stayed there a little longer than he had meant to, so he quickly got up and gathered his things in his bag.
Nagi hoped that Reo could listen to him through the door when he said he was leaving and gave his goodbyes, making his way out of the bedroom and into one of the large hallways of the Mikage estate. He knew the place like the palm of his hand by now, which was only natural after spending the past years coming and going like it was his own house. All the staff even knew him by name and cared for him as if he too was an heir, especially Ba-ya, who waved to him as he left through the gates to wait for his cab.
The ride to Bachira’s house wasn’t exactly short, but it also wasn’t too long, so Nagi was ringing the doorbell a little sooner than he had expected. The others were already inside when he arrived, screaming at each other while their fingers hastily moved on the controls, and everyone seemed a little eager to play against him because Nagi was simply too good at any game he happened to get his hands on. Bachira launched himself at him for a hug, pulling him inside by his wrist with the force of a monster that didn’t really appear through his features, but nonetheless was still there.
“What about Reo?”
“He has a dinner with his father, so he couldn’t come.”
“Bummer.” Bachira pouted, shoving Nagi gently towards the couch.
“Yeah.”
He was quickly handed a control and told to pick a team. For his first match, he was up against Isagi, who chose Germany, while Nagi opted for England for himself. Although the living room was loud with chatter and laughter, far from his preferred type of ambience, Nagi liked being with his friends, even if their company felt nowhere as comfortable as Reo’s. That was something he had come to accept this last year: simply put, no one could compare to Reo. Isagi was interesting, Kunigami was nice, Bachira was fun, but none of them came close to Reo, and there was nothing Nagi could do about it.
Winning against Isagi always left a sweet taste in his mouth. Winning against Kunigami was savory. Losing against Bachira was sour. Nonetheless, the game was fun, and Nagi wondered just what he had to do to get Reo to give him a PS5 for Christmas – knowing Reo, probably not much. They stopped playing to eat when Bachira’s order of two pizzas arrived, and they all sat in the kitchen discussing the Euroleague for a while.
“Man, I sure hope I get scouted.” Bachira sighed. “I’ve heard that they have some guys coming to watch the nationals this year, so we have to keep our winning streak.”
“Didn’t you get an offer for a club in Spain last year, though?” Isagi asked.
“Yeah, but nothing is set in stone yet. I gotta earn it still.”
“Well, Nagi is going to England, isn’t he?” Kunigami chimed in.
“Yep.” Nagi answered with a pop of his lips on the ‘p’. “Manshine City’s junior team bought me.”
“Man, that’s so cool. I just wonder how Reo is going to live without you.” Bachira laughed.
“What? Reo is coming with me. He still wasn’t scouted, but he’s going to college there.”
“You should’ve expected it, Bachira. Those two are a pay for one, get two kind of deal.”
“We’re not.”
“You totally are though. We know Reo is your first option and we’re second, and we’re not mad about it. It’s just how it is.”
For as much as Nagi wanted to deny it and tell Isagi that he was wrong, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. You see, Nagi was a terrible liar, and even though his conscient mind said that Isagi’s words weren’t true, something within him didn’t let him even consider Reo not being his first option now. Back then, in their training camp, he had thought that leaving Reo to play with Isagi was the best option, but it wasn’t because he preferred Isagi – Nagi had just been doing what he thought was best for his and Reo’s goal. In the end, it had all been for Reo, even if it might have seemed like Nagi’s selfishness.
After dinner, Isagi and Kunigami started a match against each other while their friends watched. Bachira commented that they could sleep over if they wanted to, since it was already getting late, and Nagi didn’t think much of it, since he could probably doze off anywhere. But, since he didn’t want to sit around waiting for his turn while the others played, he went to his bag to get his mobile console. However, it wasn’t there.
When he had searched every pocket and interrogated every friend to find out if they hadn’t hidden it to make fun of him, Nagi concluded that he must have dropped or forgotten it at Reo’s place by accident. Well, that sucked.
“You can always get it tomorrow, dude.” Kunigami shrugged.
“No, I need it.” Nagi sighed. “I’ll just grab it and come back, it’s not like any of you sleep early anyway.”
“Are you sure? I can lend you mine.” Bachira offered.
“Yeah, I won’t take too long. You can go on playing without me.”
While he would have gladly accepted Bachira’s offer if it was any console, Nagi couldn’t. Not then that one had been a gift from his little sister, and now that he knew it wasn’t with him, it made him slightly uncomfortable. Truth is, Nagi was possessive of special things that were his, and he liked having them on him, or at least in his apartment, so it was only natural that he took another cab back to the Mikage estate to fetch his console.
As soon as he arrived, the doorman recognized him instantly. Since he had been there way more often than he could remember, Nagi didn’t even have to warn anyone when he came, and the staff didn’t have a reason to call inside when the boy practically lived there too anyway. So Nagi made his way through the front gardens and up the stairs, walked through the door and greeted the cleaner with a bow, with no one finding his presence there even a little bit weird. On his way up to the second floor, where Reo’s room was, Nagi ended up meeting Ba-ya making her way down.
“Didn’t you leave earlier, Nagi? I thought you weren’t coming back for today.”
“Yeah, I just forgot something here and came to pick it up. I didn’t even text Reo because he said he would be with his father and I didn’t want to bother, so I’ll just grab it and leave.”
“Oh?” Ba-ya’s face contorted in confusion, and Nagi suddenly had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Mikage-sama is still on a business trip. Reo is upstairs studying with a friend.”
Even though the shock hit him with force, Nagi didn’t let it show in his face. He thanked Ba-ya and told her he must have confused himself, so she just smiled and let him through. This was a weird situation. It wasn’t easy for Nagi to get shocked, with how nonchalant he was about life in general, but the realization that, for some reason, Reo had lied to him, made him get cold feet. Maybe Reo had switched the dates and told him something wrong accidentally, but with how organized Reo was, that was hard to believe. Honestly, if it were anyone else, Nagi wouldn’t really care, but why had Reo lied? Reo, of all people. Above all, there was someone else there, a “friend” that Reo hadn’t mentioned, and Nagi couldn’t help but feel an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. Reo could be friends with whoever he wanted, he was popular like that, so why was Nagi feeling his ribcage impossibly constrict at the thought that Reo had lied to him to be with another friend?
Still, he needed his console.
Nagi walked the corridors that he knew so well, making his way to the wide door by the end of the corridor. He could hear muffled music coming from inside, and his eyebrows rose in even more confusion at the sound – Reo hated studying with music, he always berated Nagi for keeping his earphones on while they studied together.
For a few seconds, he wondered if he should really turn the knob.
Thinking too much always made Nagi’s head hurt. Reo was the thinker between them, not him.
So he threw thinking out of the window and opened the door. It was unlocked.
And what he saw made his eyes almost jump out of their sockets.
It was only a brief moment before there was chaos.
And in that brief moment, Nagi saw everything.
On Reo’s king size mattress, on top of purple and white sheets, Chigiri laid shirtless with Reo on top of him, kissing his neck while holding his waist with one hand and his hair with the other. Chigiri’s eyes were closed shut and he bit his lip in a silent moan, back arching and hands all over Reo’s back.
Then, Chigiri’s eyes opened when he heard the sound of the door, and he stared straight into Nagi’s soul. Time seemed to stop.
“Reo? What is this?’
It was then that Mikage Reo’s whole world seemed about to collapse.
[ NOW ]
“Nagi?”
Nagi had never seen Reo move so fast in his life. In the fraction of a second, he was off Chigiri and standing on the floor, looking at Nagi as if he had witnessed him commit a murder. Reo’s lips were red and his hair was disheveled, looking the farthest from his usual put-together self as Nagi had ever seen, and the look of terror in his face was unmatched. Still on the bed, while Nagi and Reo stared holes into each other, Chigiri rushed to get his t-shirt back on, face as red as his hair, which too was all over the place.
If it weren’t for the loud music, Nagi was sure the silence would have killed them. Chigiri looked between his two friends and gulped, muttering that he was getting the hell out of there before rushing straight past Nagi, never looking him in the face. Reo couldn’t even move, couldn’t go after Chigiri and tell him to stay, not when Nagi looked at him with a glint in his eyes that he had never before seen.
He would have to apologize to Chigiri later.
It was a long minute until Reo could find strength within him to speak.
“What are you doing here?”
Nagi didn’t answer verbally. His eyes searched the room, and when they found it, he pointed to the console on top of Reo’s desk.
“I- I was going to return it tomorrow.”
“Reo, I-”
“You shouldn’t have seen that.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you were with your dad, I didn’t mean to intrude on, well…” Nagi spoke, scratching his nape awkwardly. “I didn’t know you were dating Chigiri.”
Fair enough, Nagi thought. In spite of their closeness, he and Reo had never once talked about romantic relationships, sexual attraction or any of that teenage boy talk. Of course, it wasn’t as if Nagi didn’t ever talk about it – Raichi and that idiot Zantetsu were particularly interested in girls to talk about them all the time, and he had once or twice acted as a friendly ear for Bachira’s love life. However, Nagi himself never had much interest in the topic, particularly because he wasn't very interested in people as a whole; he never quite understood the urges that his friends had, couldn’t grasp how they could look at a random person at a party and think they wanted to kiss them. Actually, he couldn’t really understand why they seemed so keen on the act of kissing itself – to be fair, it only seemed a little awkward in his eyes, the exchange of saliva and all the grabbing. Isagi told him that there was nothing wrong with not wanting to be intimate with someone else, but Kurona chimed in saying that maybe, just maybe, Nagi didn’t understand because he had not yet found someone who made him understand. All in all, relationships were confusing.
Still, Nagi wished that Reo had told him. They were friends, weren’t they? So why would Reo choose to hide something from him, and why did it make his chest hurt that much? It was as if he couldn’t breathe right, and his heart hammered inside him with something akin of rage as he looked at Reo’s disheveled state. Wasn’t he overreacting a little?
“We’re not dating.”
“But-”
“Chigiri is fucking in love with Kunigami, alright?” Reo almost shouted, his voice breaking through the music. “We are not dating.”
Nagi stilled for a second there, watching dumbfounded as Reo turned the speakers off. Mikage Reo was always pristine and proper, and Nagi was always in complete shock on those rare occasions when he heard Reo curse. This was what? The sixth or seventh time in over two years of friendship?
“Then… Why-”
“Nagi, stop. I don’t want to talk about it, not with you.” He sighed, and then moved for the first time, taking Nagi’s console and walking towards him to shove it against his chest. “Leave.”
“Reo, are you-”
“ Seishirou .” Reo said, using Nagi’s given name for maybe the third time in his life. “Leave, please.”
He didn’t have it in him to argue. Nagi muttered an ‘okay’ and one ‘I’m sorry’ before turning around and leaving Reo alone. It was the second time he had ever seen Reo look so hurt – the first being back in the training camp in their first year, when they had met Isagi. The light in his eyes had simply faded, Reo looked like a shell of himself, and Nagi hated seeing him like this, hated being the one to cause it. Maybe, if he had sent a text first, then Reo wouldn’t stare at him with such lifeless eyes.
Going back to Bachira’s now was a no from him. He didn’t have it in himself to pretend he hadn’t seen what he saw, as if he had never witnessed Chigiri leave Reo’s bed in a hurry. Nagi never even knew that Reo liked men, it came as a surprise to him, and he wondered if that was what Reo was worried about – maybe he thought that Nagi would judge him for it, that Nagi would act disgusted like Kuon did when Bachira first came out as bisexual. Nagi didn’t care about any of that, so why did he feel like breaking something for the first time in his life? He couldn’t understand why a part of him felt so annoyed, why his heart made room in the back of his throat, pulsing as if it wanted him to puke it out. God, did he feel like puking right now; perhaps, the pizzas hadn’t been that good of an idea.
If his apartment wasn’t so far away, Nagi would have felt like walking back home – which, mind you, was especially strange, given that he hated striving himself so much that he made Reo carry him on piggyback rides. God, all the voices in his head were screaming Reo’s name repeatedly as he looked numbly out the window of the car, and his feet tingled with the desire to go back there, but he couldn’t disrespect Reo’s wish, not when he had sounded so serious, even using Nagi’s first name. He wondered if he had hurt Reo, something he’d told himself he never wanted to do again, and the guilt of seeing the dead look in Reo’s eyes was eating him alive. His face gave no sign of what was going on inside his head, and everything seemed to be okay when he greeted the concierge to his building and made his way inside, taking the elevator to his floor.
While Choki didn’t have eyes, his cactus seemed to stare holes into him when he opened the door, as if it was silently judging him from its place on the shelf. Nagi’s mind was clouded, he moved without thinking as his mind was filled with images of Reo on top of Chigiri, making his stomach feel weird and his whole body burn. He replayed the scene in his imagination multiple times, even after he’d tucked himself into bed. Nagi wasn’t the type of person who liked or disliked many things; towards most stuff, he felt complete and utter indifference, but not towards this. The earth-shattering conclusion that Nagi came to in the darkness of his quiet room, was that he had hated seeing Reo with Chigiri, that, if he could, he would erase that scene from existence, just like in one of his games. It was the first time Nagi had felt so strongly the need to just scream.
***
“Hey, Nagi. Do you have a moment?” Bachira asked him in the corridor during break, pulling him away from their friends. He followed Bachira to a vending machine, where the boy got them both drinks – pineapple juice for himself, and lemon tea for Nagi.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t sweat it. Look, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“What the fuck is up between you and Reo?”
Ah. So he’d noticed.
It had been around ten days since the incident, and ever since then, Reo hadn’t looked him in the face even once, so, eventually, other people were bound to notice the strange atmosphere around them. Even during soccer practice, Reo sent him great passes, crafted amazing plays, but never directly spoke to him and left the locker room in a hurry. Ten days. That was the longest time they’d gone without talking to each other since they’d first met back in their first year, and Nagi couldn’t deny to anyone, much less to himself, that he missed Reo’s company.
“He’s not talking to me.”
“I realized that much. I’m asking why he’s not talking to you. It’s so fucking weird, you know? He doesn’t hang around us and he flees the second he notices you’re around, so something really bad must’ve happened for Reo to ignore you, of all people.”
“I just… I saw something I shouldn’t have seen.”
“What? Did he like, murder someone in front of you?”
Nagi sighed. “He might as well have.”
“You, my friend, look miserable.”
“Do I?”
“Yeah. You go around looking like an abandoned puppy. Everyone is worried about you two, but they think it’s better to leave you to solve your own problems. I, on the other hand, think you’re both stupid.”
“Thank you, Bachira. That really livens me up.”
“Seriously, Nagi. What happened?”
For a while, Nagi considered if he should actually tell Bachira the truth. The past days had felt unimaginably lonely – even if he had his other friends around, none of them were like Reo, and he could understand why Bachira said he looked miserable. When he had tried to approach Reo in those days, Reo just flatly ignored him or fled the scene, and at this point, he didn’t know what to do anymore. His texts were unread and unanswered, all of his attempts to communicate had failed, and Nagi was growing even more uneasy by each day. Maybe Bachira could help him, even if only a little bit, because Nagi was completely lost.
So, he told him.
He told Bachira about what he had seen, retelling the night step by step, from Reo’s lie to his asking Nagi to leave. Everything was said very matter-of-factly, and Bachira listened with utmost attention while he sipped on his drink, and he didn’t look even slightly surprised at the fact that Chigiri liked Kunigami, but him being with Reo was somewhat of a shock. After Nagi finished explaining the facts, Bachira asked him about the feelings – what had he felt in that moment, what had he felt afterwards? Nagi had a hard time explaining. He told Bachira about his chest impossibly constricting, about the sensation of a punch to the gut, his heart in his throat and his annoyance at the situation every time he saw Chigiri get within three feet to Reo. Nagi talked about how he felt lonely, how those days had been boring, how he couldn’t stop thinking about the moment when he’d found his two friends tangled in bed. In the end, Nagi confessed how much he hated remembering the picture of Reo with his lips on Chigiri’s neck.
“Wow.” Bachira gulped, looking at Nagi with slightly widened eyes. “Aren’t you just jealous?”
“Why would I be jealous?”
It was Bachira’s turn to sigh, and he downed the rest of his drink before turning to Nagi again.
“Can I ask you something weird?”
“Don’t you always?”
“Rude. Look, can you try to describe your relationship with Reo to me? Tell me your feelings towards Reo and all.”
“How would that help with anything?”
“Just trust me on this one, will you?”
Nagi side-eyed him, but eventually came around it. He leaned back on the wall, staring at the school’s yard through the window, and thought about how he should start. His and Reo’s relationship, huh? Wasn’t it just a normal close friendship? Didn’t Bachira already understand it, given that he too had a best friend in Isagi? Anyhow, if he thought that Nagi detailing it to him would help, there was no harm in trying. So, Nagi started to speak.
In the beginning, Reo was annoying. He was always dragging Nagi around, pushing him into playing football and going out to eat – not that Nagi could complain much, though, since he was always thoroughly compensated. Eventually, however, before he could realize, Reo’s presence had become a constant without which he couldn’t see himself, couldn’t think of something that didn’t include his newly found friend. They were basically attached at the hip within only a few months, and Nagi had grown used to being around him and doing whatever Reo wanted. It soon came a time when Nagi couldn’t even envision himself without Reo – if he was going somewhere, it included Reo; if he was eating something, it included Reo; if he wanted something, it included Reo. The falling out they had in the training camp was harsh on both of them, but they eventually managed to come around it, especially when Nagi noticed that nothing , especially football, was fun if Reo wasn’t there next to him. Playing made no sense if Reo’s passes weren’t reaching his feet, as if the sport had no inherent worth to it – it only meant something to Nagi if Reo was there. So were other things in his life.
Reo was his best friend, so, of course, he would feel differently about him. Not being rude to Bachira or the other guys, but they simply weren’t Reo and there was nothing they could do about it, nothing that would make them as nice to be around as Reo. That was why only Reo was allowed inside his apartment, his safe zone, because Reo was the only one he was fully comfortable around, the only one he felt like being himself with wouldn’t give him bad consequences. Actually, he strived to be around Reo, found himself putting an effort into things that he had never before cared about, like learning about someone else and trying to do things that they liked. Reo had changed Nagi into something else, had made him objectively better, polishing him up like some kind of precious jewel. Nagi liked Reo’s presence, liked staying around him and doing nothing, just because time was better spent if it was spent with Reo, and he actually cherished the moments when there were only the two of them.
To be completely honest, Reo made him feel like he belonged. Like there was someone out there who actually understood him and wanted to stay with him for who he was, and not only because of his ability in football like in the beginning. Everytime Reo left, Nagi looked forward to seeing him again, and he would trade anything just to play football with Reo and see his friend’s smile when they won a match. There were times when Reo said or did something that would make his heart beat a little faster for whatever reason, and he remembered that the first time he had truly lost his breath was after seeing Reo’s wet hair, droplets of water cascading on his naked torso after a shower in their first year. Until today, seeing Reo in the locker room always made Nagi feel a little funny.
Even if he thought hard about it, Nagi couldn’t really see himself without Reo anymore, and that was why it bothered him so much that his friend wasn’t even looking at him now. His afternoons felt lonely, as if there was something missing all the time, and the world felt somewhat dull. He wasn’t so dramatic as to say he couldn’t live without Reo, but his absence certainly made life a lot more boring and a lot more meaningless.
Bachira asked how he would feel if Chigiri and Reo were actually dating. Nagi felt an urge to vomit.
When Nagi looked at Bachira again, his friend’s mouth was open in a little ‘o’, eyebrows furrowed and everything.
“Damn, you’re so in love with him that it’s a little disgusting.”
“I’m not in love with Reo.”
“Nagi, have you heard yourself speaking? If that’s not love, I don’t know what the fuck love is then.”
“It cannot be.” He insisted. “I… I don’t feel that urge that you guys do.”
“I’m gonna have to ask what the hell you’re talking about, my dude.”
“You know, that urge . You guys talk about it all the time, that feeling that burns in your gut when you see someone you think is attractive. Like, when you talk about Rin, you know?”
“You’re talking about me wanting to fuck Rin?” Bachira asked. “Nagi, do you mean that you don’t think you’re in love with Reo because you don’t want to fuck him?”
Nagi averted his eyes. It was the first time Bachira ever saw Nagi blush, even if ever so slightly.
“I… I saw him with Chigiri. And even though I hated it, I don’t imagine myself doing that with someone else. Not even with him. If you’re in love, you want to do those kinds of things, don’t you?”
“Not necessarily. I mean, I’m not like that personally, but you might be on the asexual spectrum? Like, you can still love someone, even without that burning feeling in your gut, and it doesn’t make it less of a love.”
“Asexual spectrum?”
“Yeah, like… You don’t necessarily feel sexual attraction to people, you don’t look at a rando on the street and go ‘ah, I’d hit that’, you know? Maybe you’d only feel it under certain conditions, or not feel it at all. Sex isn’t the pinnacle of relationships, you can love someone without wanting to get in their pants.”
“But Reo… He’s like you guys, isn’t he?”
“I’d say it’s likely, given that he was, uh-, doing things with the missy.”
“So even if I was in love with him-”
“You are. ” Bachira interrupted, and Nagi gave him a dirty look.
“Even if I was in love with him, why would he want to be with me?”
“Well, because love just can’t be rationalized. It doesn’t really follow simple logic, you see. Rin is a fucking asshole and I’m still into him, so, you know, anything is possible.”
“I don’t know…”
“Hey, this is probably new to you, so just take some time to think it over. I think you need to understand yourself before you try to talk to Reo.”
“You seriously think I’m in love with him?”
“After everything I’ve heard, I’m more shocked that you don’t think so.”
***
Nagi tried, okay? He really did.
Bachira’s words echoed in his mind. Damn, you’re so in love with him that it’s a little disgusting. At first, he had to disagree – weren’t his feelings just ordinary? Didn’t everyone feel that way towards their best friend? There was no reason to say it was more than it actually was, so why was Bachira making such a big deal out of it anyway, saying complicated things about love and about sex. Nagi definitely wasn’t the most keen on labels, thinking that the whole “coming out” thing was such a hassle – why couldn’t people just like people? Did they really need to put everything into words all the time? If someone asked, he wouldn’t know a word to describe himself; after all, Nagi had never really taken an interest in this kind of stuff. He had never been in love, so he didn’t know what it felt like, and he didn’t really care enough to try to find out – over time, he just collected small bits of information that his friends randomly said or that he saw on the internet. This love thing had always seemed too unnecessarily complicated, so he left it aside like everything else.
Now, however, it was interesting. Sort of.
Just to try and prove Bachira wrong, out of dumb spite, Nagi decided to look into it. He would gather enough evidence that no, he wasn’t in love with Reo, he just wanted his best friend to acknowledge his existence again, because life without him didn’t sound worth living. So, Nagi went to the internet. He didn’t know what to look for at first; how exactly does one search about love?
How to know if I’m in love? He typed on the search bar and clicked on the first result. it was some weird website, but it was a place to start. The list there wasn’t very long, and the phrases felt a little bit generic.
- Your thoughts return to them regularly.
Well, duh. He couldn’t take this as a sign of love. Of course he thought about Reo often, they were best friends who saw each other every day. It was only natural that Nagi would think of him when he saw a purple plushie, or when he ate something Reo had taught him how to cook, or even when he saw a dumb video online that made him laugh.
Next.
- You feel safe with them.
Obviously. If Nagi didn’t feel safe with his best friend, who would he feel safe with? He did feel at ease with all of his friends, and Reo just happened to be the one it was most comfortable to be around. It didn’t have anything to do with love.
- Life feels more exciting.
It does, but not because of love. This was dumb.
- You want to spend a lot of time together.
They were best friends, for God’s sake! This one was self explanatory.
- You feel a little jealous of other people in their life.
Okay, this one was new. Jealousy. Nagi hadn’t been jealous many times in his life, to the point where he didn’t know exactly how it felt like. Still, Bachira had said that he sounded jealous when Nagi told him about the incident. The website said that jealousy felt like a threat, and he wondered if he had felt threatened. Did he? Chigiri was objectively pretty, but he couldn’t care less about that. Chigiri was fast, had powerful legs that could cover the field as fast as thunder, but, for some reason, that never threatened Nagi – speed wasn’t his strongest suit, and he was fine with that.
Chigiri had kissed Reo. He had laid on Reo’s mattress as if he belonged there, as if Nagi hadn’t been there first, as if he could simply come and go and treat it as his. Reo had lied to him to be with Chigiri, to hover over him and kiss his neck, all while Nagi believed him to be at dinner with his father. Chigiri was the one who made Reo look so disheveled, who made Reo’s lips so puffy and red.
Ah. Nagi had hated that. Who did Chigiri think he was? Why did Reo think it was a good idea to be with missy , of all fucking people? Why couldn’t he have told Nagi about it? Fuck, was this making Nagi feel threatened? What was he thinking? That Chigiri would take Reo from him?
Was Reo even his to take?
He went through more websites than he could count before he searched for something else. Am I in love with my best friend? And the first result was a quiz. He couldn’t help but feel a little dumb, but started answering the questions nonetheless. He tried to be as truthful as possible, even when the questions were phrased a little awkwardly, and when the final result came in, he stared blankly at his phone screen.
Yes, You’re In Love With Your Best Friend!
What the fuck?
Maybe, if he took another one…
Your feelings for your best friend are REALLY complicated. Sometimes you think of them as your perfect partner, but sometimes you know that you’d better keep the friendship as what it is now. Maybe, they notice that feeling as well.
Goddamn.
He sighed loudly, dragging a hand through his face and wishing he could just forget all about what he had seen, because things were definitely starting to get a little weird. One of the questions was if he thought others were unworthy of dating his best friend, as if they weren’t enough – and yeah, of course they weren’t. His best friend was Mikage Reo , how could anyone be worthy of him?
Was Nagi worthy of Reo?
After going through countless quizzes and articles that told him all the same things in different words, Nagi grunted in frustration, because not only Bachira thought that he was in love with Reo, but the internet seemed to think the same thing. He only realized how late it was when his phone’s battery started to run low and he looked at the time, cursing at himself for being so stupid. He hated doing useless things, so why was he so hung up on Bachira’s words?
By the way, hadn’t he said something else too?
You might be on the asexual spectrum.
But Nagi didn’t even know what that meant.
Looking it up online, he came across several different definitions. Though he didn’t understand exactly what sexual attraction could feel like, he was almost sure he had never experienced it before. As he had told Bachira, Nagi couldn’t feel his gut burning with desire at the sight of someone attractive, be it men or women or neither. He couldn’t picture himself enjoying kissing people, even when he knew they were objectively pretty, but now that he stopped to think about it, he wasn’t completely against it either. The idea of kissing, or even having sex, didn’t disgust or repulse him, and he imagined that he could have an interest in it if he had some type of strong connection with someone. Not friendship, of course not; it had to be, for him, something deeper. Something he’d never experienced before either: love. Yeah, if he was dating someone, Nagi could see himself getting intimate with them, but as of now, he didn’t have someone like that.
Or did he?
If he loved Reo, could he kiss him? Could he do more?
He put his phone against his chest, looking at the ceiling in the darkness. The image of Reo’s state after getting caught with Chigiri made its way back into Nagi’s mind, and he didn’t fight the annoyance off this time. He let himself feel it. If it was Reo, could Nagi kiss him? Could he too make Reo’s lips all red, make his hair stand up in different directions and leave marks on his skin? Nagi tried to picture it. To picture himself in Chigiri’s position- no. When he envisioned the scene, he took Reo’s place, while Reo took Chigiri’s, and Nagi imagined himself looking down at Reo, purple hair spread across the sheets, chest moving up and down quickly.
That made him feel something.
How would Reo’s lips feel against his? Would they be dry or soft? Oh, definitely soft, with the insane amount of chapstick that Reo applied during the day. Maybe they would taste like it too, like strawberry or watermelon, or maybe they’d just taste like flesh. The thought of closing his eyes and getting his mouth on Reo’s made a warm feeling creep up to his chest, and he could feel his whole face burn like never before.
Realizing that he wanted to know how it was to kiss Reo made Nagi’s stomach drop.
Did best friends wonder about the taste of each other’s lips?
Had Reo ever wondered about the taste of his?
“I’m going insane.” He whispered to himself, trying to keep in touch with reality. Fuck, he really needed to think about it, didn’t he?
***
Nagi Seishirou had never really thought about his sexuality before.
At the ripe age of 18, Nagi Seishirou found out he was demisexual.
Two whole nights. That was the time Nagi had spent awake trying to figure himself out, frantically searching about asexuality online, because once he’d had those sorts of thoughts about Reo, it dawned upon him that indeed, he needed to understand himself before he tried to do anything else. So he read articles, took stupid quizzes and chatted with strangers – things that he would at first consider to be a hassle, but now realized to be necessities. For someone who wasn’t the biggest fan of labels, demisexuality seemed to fit Nagi like a glove, especially after he realized that he did feel some kind of sexual attraction, but couldn’t have recognized it as such because of his complete lack of experience; after all, there was only this one case of him being attracted to someone – that, of course, was Mikage Reo.
Yeah, now, Nagi got it. It finally made sense, the funny feeling that always made its way into his belly when he saw Reo’s damp hair in the locker room, the way he stared at Reo’s glistening naked skin and almost felt like he couldn’t breathe. Nagi’s attraction didn’t come as burning fire in the pitch of his stomach, but as slow waves hitting the shore, almost too quiet to notice if you didn’t pay attention to it. Nagi himself could never have realized it without Bachira’s aid, and he wondered if he should thank his friend for the push.
Nagi was attracted to Reo, that much he had already accepted.
Love, however, that was something else. Sure, he cherished his best friend and maybe wanted to kiss him until they both ran out of breath, wanted Reo to look at him from below and cradle fingers through Nagi’s hair… But love was too strong a feeling for him to treat lightly. He was still confused by Bachira’s vehement affirmation that Nagi was in love with Reo, and couldn’t understand why his friend insisted so much on it – so, he had to think more, think deeper, because this was something he knew that he couldn’t fuck up. Well, not if he wished to keep Reo in his life as it was, that is.
“Dude, you look like shit.”
Bachira gave him a flick to the ear, and Nagi groaned in annoyance. He had his head on the table while Bachira and Isagi discussed something he hadn’t even tried to pay attention to. His brain was tired after so much thinking and his whole body felt like giving up with the ridiculous amount of sleep he had gotten in the past 48 hours.
“Thanks.”
“Have you spent all night on your phone again, Nagi?” Isagi asked from his place across the table.
“Yeah.”
“What game was it this time?”
“No game.”
“Huh, then why?”
“None of your business.”
From where they sat in the corner, Nagi had a view of the entire cafeteria. It was especially loud during lunch, with everyone coming and going all the time, but the noise didn’t really bother Nagi. What bothered him, actually, was the privileged sight that he got of Chigiri a few tables away, leaning towards Kunigami while they talked, twisting his hair around a skinny little finger. He couldn’t help but feel annoyed. If Chigiri was in love with Kunigami, as Reo had shouted, then why had the two of them been together? It made no sense in Nagi’s mind, that you liked someone, yet chose to be with another. And Kunigami too, wasn’t he a little stupid? Didn’t he notice the blush in Chigiri’s cheeks, or the way his eyes seemed to glint with affection as they talked?
What did it feel like to be in love?
What did it feel like to love someone who doesn’t love you back?
There were couples littered around the place, some holding hands, some resting their heads on each other’s shoulders. Hiori played with his girlfriend’s hair as she giggled, Niko showed this girl something on his phone, and Nanase was surrounded by women almost making heart eyes at him. Everyone seemed to be involved with some kind of romance, and Nagi felt his utter lack of experience weighing upon his shoulders, because he just couldn’t understand it. At what point did one’s feelings turn from platonic to romantic? How does one even realize the change?
When it came to love, he too had heard his friends gush about it, but couldn’t really get where they came from. He thought it was just weird that as suddenly as the night became day, someone could have feelings for another person that they didn’t even know well. How could they observe from afar and just decide they were in love with someone, when they didn’t even know the person’s favorite food or their parents’ names? Nagi had received one or two confessions over the course of his school life, and he always looked at the blushing girl in front of him like she was an alien – just how could they say they fell for him, when they’d never even held a conversation? And don’t even get him started on the ridiculous amount of people who confessed feelings for Reo.
It was an undeniable fact that Reo was popular. He was always surrounded by all kinds of people, because everyone wanted to get closer to the heir of Mikage Corp., but there was something else to it too – Reo had a charming personality, the type that gets you addicted to it. During Valentine’s Day, his locker filled to the brim with letters and chocolates; he was called by random girls every other day to hear their confessions and reject them so politely that they couldn’t even hold a grudge. Nagi thought it was all dumb. None of those people knew Reo, so why did they even consider being in love with him? They didn’t know that he loved to eat sliced sweet potato or how much bamboo shoot he consumed on a weekly basis, they didn’t know that he spent whole nights awake watching Cristiano Ronaldo’s games and analyzing his plays, much less did they know that Reo was a little bit obsessed with the stock market. These little things about Reo, the things that made him himself, those people didn’t know that, so how could they say that they were in love with the guy?
People were simply stupid, that was what Nagi thought.
He was pulled out of thinking by Bachira flicking his ear again.
“Stop that.”
“You’re not paying attention! Did you listen to what I was saying?”
“Not a single word.”
“You’re such an ass, Nagi.” Bachira rolled his eyes. “What’s up with you today?”
“Just thinking.”
“You? Thinking? Bullshit.”
“Shut up. You were the one who told me to.”
“Oh, so it’s about that?”
“About what?” Isagi asked.
“None of your business.” Bachira and Nagi answered in unison, making Isagi curse them.
***
This was hard, Nagi thought to himself as he stared at the clouds. The sky today was painted in a beautiful shade of blue, and the air felt warm against Nagi’s skin as he laid in the shadow, head resting on his backpack. He hadn’t wanted to go home, just the idea of walking all the way to his building made him tired, and he wished that he could just take a ride there on the back of Reo’s bike, but knew he couldn’t – after all, he was still getting the cold treatment. Why was Reo so serious about this anyway? There were things way worse than getting caught in the act; hell, Nagi’s lack of motivation and stubbornness were matters that could rightfully make Reo mad, yet he acted like they were just silly quirks. Now, Nagi had just happened to be at the wrong place, wrong time, and Reo was acting as if they’d never even been friends in the first place?
God, he missed Reo.
Even here, right now, Reo was supposed to be with him, caressing his hair while they shared earphones. Like the model student he was, Reo would study while Nagi dozed off on his lap, complaining about the weather. They would either go home by bike or in Reo’s fancy limousine, and if Nagi was behaving himself well enough, Reo would buy him whatever he wanted to eat on their way back. They would have a lazy afternoon and even play video games if Reo felt especially generous.
Nagi shouldn’t be alone.
Isagi and Bachira were great friends, Zantetsu was a nice idiot and even Barou was amicable company sometimes, but Nagi eventually had to put some brief distance between them so he could recharge his social batteries. With Reo, however, Nagi could never get drained; if anything, he felt even more alive while he was with Reo, given why he had seemed like a dead man walking during these past days.
He’d known that Reo was special for quite a while now. In the past, Nagi could see himself living a simple life alone, working a 9-5 job and earning just well enough to keep himself alive; he could imagine his retirement in a quiet neighborhood with Choki and perhaps a low-maintenance bird, going completely unnoticed forever, as someone with no particular capabilities or dreams. That had changed after Reo. Reo dragged him into the world of football, saying some weird things like how Nagi was his most prized treasure, even if he was the sole heir to one of the biggest corporations in Japan. Now, when Nagi thought about the future and what it could bring, he could only see a wide field and several faceless men running around him as he moved across the grass towards the goal – the only face he could see, as clear as day, was Reo’s. In every scenario that Nagi could even begin to think of, Mikage Reo was there by his side, and words were unnecessary when they looked at each other and Nagi could see the vision that Reo showed him. They had to do it together, because football was just a meaningless bunch of idiots kicking a ball if Reo wasn’t there to open his eyes to a whole new world of possibilities. While everyone else was a doubt, for Nagi, Reo was his only certainty.
But what if he weren’t?
What if, after all, Reo got fed up and decided not to put up with Nagi’s bullshit anymore? What if he didn’t need Nagi? Even though the sky was beautiful, this thought made it seem as if the clouds had become dark and angry. Nagi had never thought about it before, because Reo had never given him a reason too, but now, after so many days without even looking at his face, Nagi felt a little sick in the pit of his stomach. Aside from, apparently, football, Nagi wasn’t stellar in anything – he kept up with his studies just well enough, he didn’t have an amazing personality or any riches. Reo, on the contrary, was as charismatic as they come, the top student in school and a promising businessman. It was easy to imagine how Reo could find someone else, someone better, to stay by his side.
Why did that make Nagi want to vomit?
Chigiri hadn’t been the problem. When Nagi tried to picture Reo with anyone else now, he just couldn’t bring himself to think it was okay. The issue was in the mere concept of Reo dating someone, giving someone his time and his smiles and his attention – that just didn’t seem right. Call him a selfish piece of shit if you wanted, or an arrogant prick, but the only person he could see next to Reo was himself.
Nagi knew Reo inside and out. After so much time together, he knew all about Reo’s likes and dislikes, his habits, his dreams. He knew how Reo’s nose crunched in his sleep, how he sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare and hold this Ditto plushie that Nagi had gotten for him as a gift. He knew Reo’s family and remembered the names of not only his staff, but also the childhood friends Reo would sometimes reminisce about. When it came to Reo, Nagi actually made an effort to memorize all the little things, including the three black beauty marks in his nape, which could only be seen from up close when all his hair was tied up.
Could Nagi see himself dating Reo?
The scene in his mind was crystal clear. It was the final of the World Cup, with both of them escalated as regulars on the national team, and the game was still 1-1. Nagi ran through the field alongside his peers, getting closer and closer to the penalty area, and when he was there, just crossing eyes was enough for him to understand Reo’s vision, staying right where he wanted to trap the ball. It was so fast that Nagi would only realize it after it was done, but with an assist from Reo, he would score a goal right before their time was up, and Japan would be a winner for the first time. But Nagi didn’t care about Japan, about the millions of Japanese people rooting for them, for him – no, none of them mattered at that moment. He would get up from the grass and ignore the other players as they came to hug him, would ignore the cheering of the crowd and time would stop. Nagi would walk up to Reo and hold his head between his hands, pulling him into a kiss in front of the whole world, with all the cameras watching as their shared dream came into life.
Nagi realized that his heart was beating so fast and so hard that he could hear it ringing in his eardrums.
Was this love?
Did Nagi fall in love with Reo and not realize it all this time?
There was nothing in this world that Nagi wanted more than making that scene come true.
He wanted to show everyone on the planet that he, and only he, had the right to stand beside Reo.
If this was, in fact, love, then Nagi had fallen so hard that there was no way he could get out of it anymore.
Fuck.
***
“You’re the stupidest person I have ever met, and I know Barou.”
“Thank you for the support, Bachira.” Nagi rolled his eyes.
They were in Bachira’s house eating his mom’s cookies because Nagi had suddenly come up to his friend after class saying that they needed to talk. So here they were, after Nagi told Bachira everything from confirming that he was, indeed, asexual to his realization that yeah, he was in love with Reo, much deeper than he could ever have guessed.
“No, I’m serious. Just how you never realized this is completely beyond me. I swear to God, Nagi, you have no emotional intelligence whatsoever.”
“Are you just going to drag me through the mud now?”
“No, but you do deserve it.” Bachira sighed. “But hey, at least now that you know, you can understand why you disliked seeing him with the missy so much.”
“I would dislike seeing him with anyone. Chigiri is not special.”
“Ouch. I’ll be sure to not tell him you said that.”
“Look, I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Obviously, you should tell him.”
“And how exactly is that obvious?”
“Well, to put it bluntly, I’m absolutely fucking sure that it’s the same for him.”
“Don’t talk bullshit.”
“I’m not. You know, you’re a clueless one, but anyone smarter than a cactus could see that Reo has been head over heels for you for God knows how long.”
“And why did you not say anything if you knew?”
“Well, we all just thought you’d be more interested in a phone game than in dating, so excuse me for not sticking my nose in someone else’s business.”
“Fine, fair.” He rolled his eyes. “I just… Everything about this is new to me, and I really don’t want to disappoint Reo.”
“Oh, come on. He tells everyone you are his treasure. Reo basically claimed you as his since the beginning and he’s stuck by that. He’s just not talking to you probably because he’s embarrassed that he was caught red handed and doesn’t want you to assume anything about him. If it were anyone else, he would have probably thrown a fit, but since it’s you… Well.”
“Are you sure he likes me?”
“Likes you? Reo fucking loves you, Nagi. No one would do the things he does if they’re not deeper than the Mariana Trench. Trust me on that.”
“What if he rejects me because I’m a clueless idiot?”
“You’ve always been a clueless idiot and he’s never left your side. You’ll be okay, Nagi. Just be honest with him, and he’ll understand. You two need to get your shit together.”
***
The sun was shining bright in the sky that afternoon, turning their training match into a nice walk through hell with how warm it was outside. When the coach finally blew the whistle to put an end to their suffering, Nagi could feel the sweat dampening his clothes, and he hated the way it made him all sticky – he desperately needed a shower, but first of all, he needed to make sure that Reo wouldn’t flee from him once again before he even got the chance to say a word. It had been a few days since Bachira told him to man up and confess already, and he’d been thinking about the best way to approach Reo – the thing is, however, that Nagi was terrible at making plans himself, and every idea he came up with seemed like it would end in failure. So, he decided to do what he did best in the end: follow his instincts.
On their way to the locker room, Reo walked far ahead alongside Kunigami, with the two of them discussing something. Nagi shot Bachira a glance, his friend smiled at him, muttering “good luck”, and Nagi hurried his steps so that he could get past the whole team and approach the two on the front. Before Reo could even notice, Nagi was right next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder so he wouldn’t run away.
“Nagi?” Reo said, eyes widening with a hint of surprise.
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t wanna talk to you.”
“Nagi, stop-”
“Stay the fuck out of it, Kunigami.” Nagi cut his friend off when he tried to intervene.
“Let me go, Nagi.” Reo said, trying to wiggle out of Nagi’s grasp, but the grip on his shoulder was strong.
“I will. Just… Just listen to me for a minute, Reo. Please, I’ll be quick.”
Reo’s eyes shifted between him and Kunigami for an instant before he sighed in defeat.
“One minute.”
“Thank you.”
As they left, Kunigami watched them walk away with worry in his face, but since Reo had agreed to Nagi’s request, he wouldn’t stick his nose in their business – not when it had been so weird these days. Nagi and Reo stopped under the shade of a tree, with the latter resting his back against the trunk with arms crossed, clearly uncomfortable, but nonetheless still there.
“Alright. Speak.”
“I’m sorry, Reo.”
“What for?”
“Everything. I know I can be a dumbass, but you have to know that I don’t do it on purpose. I didn’t mean to-”
“Look, if this is about what you saw, just forget it. I’m not mad about that anymore.”
“Then why do you keep ignoring me?”
Reo averted his eyes. He couldn’t answer.
“Just get to the point, Nagi.”
“Fine. I need to talk to you about something important, but not here.”
“Why not? Just get it out already, I don’t have time for this.”
“I want us to be alone. It’s something serious, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to have that conversation right here either. Meet me at the rooftop after showering, please. I’ll wait for you there.”
“And why do you think I’m going to do as you want?”
“Because I need you to.”
The look in Nagi’s eyes was enough to send shivers down Reo’s spine – he hadn’t seen that hint of determination ever since Nagi had asked Reo to lend him strength so they could beat some ass at a match together. For Nagi, of all people, to sound so serious about something, it should actually be somewhat important, so Reo pondered his options for a few seconds. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to face Nagi for real yet, but something inside him did want to listen to what his best friend had to say, so he looked down at his feet as he hesitantly nodded his head in agreement. At the end of the day, he couldn’t say “no” to Nagi, and even if he wished things were different, they just weren’t as of now.
“Thank you. I’ll be waiting for you.”
In the shower, as he shampooed his hair, Nagi thought about what he wanted to say. He hadn’t prepared a speech or chosen the words he wanted to use, because every time he’d tried to, he just ended up with some half-hearted sentences that held no coherence between each other. He’d never been that good at communicating with people, but he would try his best to convey his feelings to Reo, so there would be no doubt in his heart that Nagi was serious.
When he got out of the shower, Reo wasn’t there anymore, but he trusted his best friend enough to believe that he hadn’t run away this time. Nagi dressed up and said quick goodbyes to his teammates before making his way into the school again and up the stairs, until he reached the metal door that led to the roof. It wasn’t like students were prohibited to access that space, but since most of them believed they were, Nagi was sure that it was a safe space to be alone and finally talk to Reo after twenty days of barely any contact. When he put his hand on the doorknob, he felt his heart beat like a drum, and though he wasn’t completely calm about this whole ordeal, something inside him told him that there was nothing he should worry about – strangely enough, that something had Bachira’s voice, and it too called him an idiot.
As he opened the door, Nagi saw strands of purple hair flying in the wind. Reo was sitting with his back to the entrance, staring down at their school premises and the yard, as if there was anything interesting to be seen down there. He didn’t even flinch when he heard Nagi’s footsteps approaching, or when Nagi sat down next to him with his legs crossed, dropping his bag in front of them.
After a few seconds, Reo was the first to speak.
“What do you have to tell me, Nagi?”
“Can you promise that you won’t be mad at me?”
“I won’t.”
“Do you promise, though?”
“Yeah, I promise.” Reo sighed, still not moving his head to look at Nagi. Truth be told, Reo knew deep in his self that he could never really be angry at Nagi, no matter what he did. He could seem or act like he was, but something inside him knew that those feelings weren’t anger – disappointment? Sure. Sadness? Maybe. But anger? No, not that.
“Well…” Nagi started, leaning back as he supported himself in his hands behind him. God, he really hated the sun today. “I’ve had a lot to think about these days, ever since I… Ever since I saw you and Chigiri. You know, things I’d never really paid any mind to before, because I never had a reason to. Well, no one had given me a reason to.”
Reo gulped. His face heated up with the memory of hearing the door open as he kissed Chigiri’s neck, only to be staring straight into Nagi’s eyes, caught in the act. If it were any of his maids or butlers, he wouldn’t have cared as much as he did with Nagi – actually, anyone could have seen that, and he wouldn’t have felt like his life was breaking in front of his eyes. Anyone but this damned Nagi.
“Go on.”
“I don’t know what you thought that I thought, but I was just… surprised? I didn’t know what was going on with me, why I felt like I did, until I realized that I felt threatened.”
“You? Threatened by what?”
“By whom. Chigiri.”
“Nagi, what do you mean?”
“I couldn’t have known then, Reo, but I felt jealous . Whenever I thought about what I saw, it made me sick, not because I think it’s gross or anything like that. And it doesn’t even have to be that damn princess, it could be anyone. I’d hate seeing you with anyone.”
It was as if a bomb had exploded right in front of them, with all the debris cutting Reo’s skin like sharp knives. If he weren’t already sitting down, his legs would’ve weakened and sent him to the floor, because he could’ve expected anything to come out of Nagi’s mouth – anything, but definitely not this .
Nagi didn’t stop talking.
“I’ve never gone through this before, so I didn’t know anything. I’ve always thought that I just wasn’t interested in this kind of stuff, that I might never be, so I didn’t know that it was what it is. Bachira said some things, I looked up some things, and I had to think so much that I couldn’t even sleep. My search history is full of bullshit because I was trying , Reo. I had to understand before I could talk to you… It wouldn’t be fair to any of us if I had gone on as clueless as I was before. So, yeah, I realized that I was jealous, and that it came from something bigger.”
“What exactly are you saying, Nagi?”
“Have you ever heard of asexuality, Reo?”
“Uh, yeah. I have.”
“I’m asexual. Demisexual. You know, when Bachira talks about Rin and how much he likes him, how much he wants to, uh-, do things with him, I couldn’t understand it. I never thought you had feelings for Chigiri, so I couldn’t understand why you were with him either. For me, it made no sense, not until I realized that, at least for me, things are just different. I… With anyone else, I can’t feel anything, all people are the same, except you.”
“Nagi, you-”
“Yeah, I’m attracted to you. I probably have been for the longest time, but I couldn’t know what it was, since it was my first time feeling like this. And I believed it was only that at first, that Bachira was wrong and there was no way I had feelings for you beyond our friendship.”
“You told Bachira?”
“He asked. Told me to tell him about our friendship, what I felt towards you and told me I was so in love it was disgusting. I thought it was bullshit, and in trying to prove him wrong, I ended up proving him right.”
It was then that Nagi turned his head around to look at Reo, putting a hand on his right cheek to make Reo look at him too. That was an expression he’d never seen before in Reo’s features, but it looked pretty – wide eyes, rosy cheeks, mouth slightly agape.
“I can’t imagine a future where you’re not with me. I can’t think that anyone is worthy of standing next to you other than me. I can’t envision holding the World Cup trophy before kissing you in front of the cameras. I know I took too long to notice this, but I’m in love with you, Reo, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you before. I need you, Reo. Not just your strength, your passes or your talent. I need you .”
Once again, Mikage Reo’s whole world seemed as if it was about to collapse.
This time, however, he didn’t let it.
“Nagi, are you sure of what you’re saying to me?”
“I thought a lot about it, you know? My head hurt.” He pouted.
“You’re such an idiot.”
“I know.”
“Clueless. Stupid.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”
“Nagi, you’re such a dumbass.”
“I just told you I loved you, and this is how you answer?”
“No.” Reo said, suddenly grabbing Nagi’s face between his hands, pushing his cheeks together. “ This is how I answer.”
Ah. Nagi was right after all. Reo’s lips were indeed soft, and, today, they tasted like cherry chapstick. It was so brief and so sudden that he didn’t even have the time to close his eyes, but it wasn’t a problem, since he could see Reo’s eyelashes from up close like this. Actually, it was so brief that when Reo let go of his lips, Nagi tried to search for more, for the warmth that made its way through all the veins in his body. Reo just laughed at his eagerness, gluing their foreheads together.
“I love you too, Seishirou.”
Okay, using his first name like that just wasn’t fair. Not with Reo’s tiny smile, not with that soft voice that Nagi knew was reserved only for him, not with Reo’s thumb now caressing his wrist.
“Really?”
“Yes. You are my treasure, mine only. I just… I never thought I’d hear you say you love me.”
“I do. Probably have for a long while, but I didn’t know. I’ve never felt like this before, Reo.”
“So I’m your first love?”
“You’re my first everything, aren’t you?”
“Can I steal one more of your firsts then?”
“You can have anything, Reo. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you. Even the World Cup. If you want it, I’ll be sure to make it yours.”
“No, you’ll make it ours.” Reo smiled. “Do you want me to be your first boyfriend, Nagi?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
Reo kissed the tip of his nose, and Nagi couldn’t help but smile too. One of those rare little smiles, those honest ones, full of affection and joy. Reo almost tackled him to the ground right there at the sight.
“So you were jealous, huh?” He chuckled.
“Yeah. Missy isn’t worthy of you. No one is.”
“No one but you, you mean? How conceited.”
“You agree, though.”
“Yes, I do. Nobody can steal me from you, you know? I’ve been yours since I found you. Even with our misunderstandings, even if I thought you might like Isagi-”
“Hell fucking no.” Nagi made a face, and Reo laughed. “You’re the only one, Reo.”
“I know now. But we still have a lot to talk about.”
“Yeah.”
“How about we go to your apartment and order some takeout for dinner?”
“Can you give me a piggyback ride?”
“You never change, do you?”
“I missed it.”
Reo’s nape smelled like body wash and expensive conditioner, and the three little beauty marks were there like the Three Sisters in Orion’s Belt. Nagi hadn’t realized how much he liked Reo’s scent until now, when he buried his face in Reo’s neck and breathed in, making all the hairs in Reo’s body stand up. Nagi knew they would have to have a serious conversation, that they needed to address their mistakes and their expectations, that Reo would know exactly what to say and how to say it. But did any of that matter, now that he had Reo by his side again? Did anything else in the world matter, as long as he had Reo? One thing that Nagi had made his mind up about, was that he would never let Reo out of his sight again, not if he could help it. Lucky for him, Reo thought the same thing.
***
Somehow, it wasn’t a surprise to any of their friends when Reo greeted Nagi with a kiss on the lips as soon as he arrived at Bachira's house to play FIFA the next weekend. Nagi had his head hanging off the cushions and his eyes immediately lightened up when Reo came in through the door, and the little smiles on their faces gave everything away. Even if only Bachira had the full story, everyone seemed to understand that the two of them had finally gotten their shit together.
During their training, it seemed as if the connection between Reo and Nagi had gotten even stronger than before, and even their performance improved during their matches in the nationals. In the end, their high school ended up taking the win home, and the scouts from various teams started making their offers – Bachira would still be leaving for Spain, Isagi got a position from a German team and Nagi’s connection with Reo couldn’t go ignored, making Manshine City take them both. Some of the others would also be leaving Japan, but they all hoped that, some day, they would come back to play for the national team, that they would get the chance to face the biggest stage in the world for footballers.
The years came and went.
[ JULY 15TH, 2026 ]
It was as if all eyes in the world were on him right now.
Nagi was at the perfect place, at the perfect time, and there were only five minutes until the referee blew the whistle to end the extra injury time. Japan had marked the equalizer with Rin in the first half, but no one had managed to score in all 45 minutes of the second. If things stayed like this, they would have to go to extra time and that wouldn’t be any good, since everyone was beginning to get tired of such a difficult game. They were up against Italy in the finals of the World Cup, the first time that Japan had gotten so far, and there was blood in all of their eyes to finally reach a title that would put their name in history. They couldn’t lose now, not after coming so far – no, they had to win. He had to win.
This was a long time dream. At first, the dream wasn’t even his – it had been Reo’s. Reo had come up to him that day in school, almost making him break his phone by dropping it off the stairs, but then started saying some insane things like winning the World Cup together. With time, however, Nagi ended up falling in love not only with Reo, but also with football, and the dream became shared. Last night, before they went to sleep in their hotel room, Reo had hugged him in bed and kissed him tenderly, caressing his cheeks as if Nagi was going to break if he was too rough. Reo had always been like this, treating him like a precious thing, and that night he asked something from Nagi.
“Bring me the World Cup, my love.” He said in a whisper, leaning in to rub his nose against Nagi’s. And, God, who was Nagi to deny Reo anything, after everything they’d gone through together? The Premier League, the Champions League, the Club World Cup… They’d won them together, playing against old friends and old rivals, and they had risen to such a status that Japan had never seen before in its players – yeah, their generation had so much to offer, so much to take.
It was a promise. If Reo wanted something, Nagi had the obligation to make it his. Even the Ballon d’Or, which Reo couldn’t grab himself, Nagi made sure to achieve so that he could fulfill Reo’s objective of making him the best striker in the world, the best player in the world. He had done it not only once or twice, but three times in the timespan of their professional careers. Who could’ve imagined? A Japanese player, best in the whole planet? Reo had. Reo had polished his treasure enough to make him the shiniest jewel in the whole world, and now, there was only one more title that Nagi could give him. After this, their lives could change once again.
So, now that they only had that little time to make history, Nagi was determined to take it. He’d entered the flow half an hour ago, just after Reo subbed in for Sae after an injury. Right in the penalty area, he suddenly saw Reo’s vision in front of him, and his body reacted instinctively to the assist as he jumped in the air to take the ball. He could see their adversary team’s players coming towards him, desperation in their eyes, but they were too late – he was already in motion for his juggling shot. With deadly precision, he relaxed his whole body mid-air, moved his legs around the ball and kicked it with such force that no one could have stopped him, not when he felt on top of the world. It was a volley shot, in the finals of the World Cup, and it scored Japan’s second goal, the one they needed to win the game.
The crowd immediately erupted in cries and screams.
Still, the game was not over. Nagi was so focused that he didn’t even run to commemorate his goal, no – he had to make sure that the Italians wouldn’t turn it into a draw at the last minute. Everyone felt the same as him, because the game wasn’t won before the whistle blew. Their rivals were strong, from a country who had already won such a championship, and they couldn’t let them score right now. Thankfully, their defense had always had iron claws, and with the help of everyone, Italy stood no chance against Japan’s wall.
When the game was finally finished, no one in the world could believe it.
How had a country historically weak as Japan managed to come so far? To win? People cried on the stands, both of happiness and despair, and the screams were so loud that Nagi could barely hear his own thoughts. But he had done it, he had finally done it – his and Reo’s dream, it was finally in their hands, after so much effort and pain put into this sport, they were ready to collect their results.
At that moment, in the middle of the field, Nagi couldn’t see anything but one person. Everything felt like a blur in the few seconds it took to run to where Reo stood paralyzed, turn him around and kiss him on the biggest stage in the world. All eyes and cameras were on them as their lips locked together, and though they knew they would face a hellish lot of backlash for this, they couldn’t bring themselves to care right now. The World Cup was theirs, Nagi had kept his word, and now, they could finally do what they had been planning for years now.
When the trophy came around and they could finally feel all that gold under their fingers, it felt like an alternative reality. But the crevices of the sculpture and the loudness of the crowd pulled them back into reality, showing them that, in fact, they had done it. They were finally world champions, and could finally put a star on Japan’s official shirt. Photographers were everywhere taking pictures, including the one that would soon become the most shared and commented one in social media – Reo and Nagi, kissing each other while both holding the trophy in their hands.
It was a beautiful chaos.
During the interview afterwards, they answered a lot of questions related to the game and what they were feeling in that moment. And that was when a British reporter stepped up to Nagi and asked about the shiny silver band on his finger, with a purple gemstone in the middle. It was the first time the media saw that ring in public.
“This is my engagement ring.” He answered simply. “My boyfriend told me that he would only marry me if I won a World Cup for him. I didn’t believe his words fully, but I still did it anyway, because he deserves it.”
“Are you talking about your teammate Reo Mikage?”
“The cat is out of the bag now, isn’t it? Ops.”
Later that night, when they were alone in their room again, Reo punched Nagi’s shoulder lightly for having spilled their plans of marriage without asking him first. But, since it had always been, he could never win against Nagi’s endearing eyes, looking at him like he was more precious than the World Cup trophy. It was those eyes that he wanted to look into for the rest of his life, from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep, and he was sure that Nagi felt the same.
“I love you, Reo.”
“I love you too, Seishirou. You’re my treasure.”
“You’re my everything.”